A Child's Treasury Of Rude Songs

I actually Googled that , mostly because for the life of me I can't figure out what word you starred out. (What banned word rhymes with "Lucy?")

I got absolutely no hits at all. Do you know what tune it goes to? I'm just wondering if it was a contemporary local kid's invention, or something older.

And then, of course, there's this (probably a mish-mash of a dozen different versions I've heard over the years):

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Whenever you hear the hearse go by
That is the day that you're going to die.
They put you in a big black box
And cover you up with dirt and rocks
The worms crawl in the worms crawl out
The worms play pinochle on your snout
Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out
The ones that crawl in are lean and thin
The ones that crawl out are fat and stout
You slap them on a piece of bread
And that's what you eat when you are dead.

Somebody actually studied this and suggested the song went all the way back to the Crimean War. I don't know if I'm more surprised that it could be that old, or that somebody cares.

 

If it helps, it's a word that starts with p and ends with y. Most people pronounce it with a short u, but in this rhyme, it is pronounced with a long.

 

Rule Britannia,
Three monkeys up a stick,
One fell down and
Paralysed his
Dickie was a bulldog
Lying in the grass
Along came a bumblebee
And stung him up the
Ask no questions
Tell no lies
Have you ever seen a copper
Doing up his
Flies are a nuisance
Bugs are worse
And that is the end
Of my little verse



And a wedding tune one:

Here comes the bride,
Short, fat and wide.
Here comes the vicar,
Several inches thicker.
Here comes the Priest,
Ninety inches east.
Here comes the Pope,
Watch he doesn't grope.

 

These are hilarious.


(To "God Bless America")

God bless my underwear
My only pair!
From the washer
To the dryer
To the clothesline way up high!




The diarrhea song went something like this:

Diarrhea
lovely diarrhea
diahrea
what a way to go.
First you fill the toilet bowl
Then you let make it over flow
On the floor
Out the door
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

 

Americans clearly have a better class of rude song

The only one I can think of right now is the Teletubby Death Song:

I hate Po, Po hates me,
Tinky Winky shot Dipsy
Rifle bullet, right through the head
Sorry Laa-Laa, Dipsy's dead

Small funeral, no one there
Po and Laa-Laa in despair
As for Tinky Winky he who was the cause
He got a huge round of applause

 

Me Chinese
Me play joke
Me put peepee in your Coke
Don't get mad, don't get sad
Me play joke on my Dad

 

What is it with you and Asian people?




Cobra, where did you hear the Rule Britannia song?

 

That's better than the version that I knew, which went:

****

Here comes the bride
All fat and wide.
Here comes the groom
He's as skinny as a broom.
Why is he there?
He lost his underwear.

****

I'm cheating here for a second--these next two are rhymes/songs I did not know as a child, but really wish I had. I found them while trying to scrounge up things like the lyrics to the "Juvenile Delinquent" song. (For some strange reason, nobody seems to sing that.)

****

Alternate version of "Miss Mary Mack:"

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack,
All dressed in black, black, black,
She has a knife, knife, knife,
Stuck in her back, back, back.
She cannot breathe, breathe, breathe,
She cannot cry, cry, cry,
That's why she begs, begs, begs,
She begs to die, die, die.

****

Okay, so that wouldn't have seemed really funny until about 9th grade, but still. The things you miss out on in your youth!

****

"Jaws" (To "Do Re Mi")

Jaws, a mouth, a great big mouth
Teeth, the things that kinda crunch
Bite, the friendly shark's hello
Us, his favorite juicy lunch
Blood, that turns the ocean red
Chomp, that makes the swimmers pause
Gulp, that means the shark's been fed
That will bring us back to
Jaws! Jaws! Jaws! Jaws!

(repeat ad infinitum)

If you're feeling advanced, you could even do the little descant bit to it:

(Jaws, teeth teeth, bite, us us, blood, chomp chomp, gulp, Jaws Jaws!)

When you know the shark will bite
You will scream and scream all night!

****

I intend to teach that to my 10-year-old nephew forthwith. The Mary Mack one . . . maybe that can wait a bit. I should probably PM it to oqidaun, though. She could add it to her collection of Creepy Fan Fiction Manager . . . things.

 

My dad taught it to me when I was about 9 or 10. I eventually decided that I liked it enough to turn it into a Punky anthem, and put it on my first EP in musical form

 

When you go into the john
And the toilet paper's gone
Be a man
Use your hand

I also heard another two lines to the groom losing underwear:

Why did he lose 'em
He didn't know how to use 'em.

 

Diarrhea
cha-cha-cha
Diarrhea
cha-cha-cha
Some people think it's funny
but it's really hot and runny.
Diarrhea
cha-cha-cha
Diarrhea
cha-cha-cha

 

EDIT: Sung to (Pop goes the weasel)

I don't go out with girls anymore,
I don't intend to marry.
I just go out with boys I adore.
Wheeeeee! I'm a fairy!