A Great Scene for the EU (Exploited Universe) in Episode II

Sorry, not me, I'm up to my neck with college. I'm barely keeping my other fanfic going. No time for this one.

Loved the Ric story and the possiblities are endless! just keeps getting better and better.

 

I'd love to, but I'm in the same sort of difficulty Rogue 1 and half is in. I don't seem to have the time to write anymore.

 

For those who are interested, "Soul of the Jedi" now has its very own site:

http://www.soulofthejedi.com/

For those who want to come to the SOTJ message board, follow this link:

http://pub30.ezboard.com/bsoulofthejedi

For those who may be new to this thread, "Soul of the Jedi" is the hangout for the ExUers (Exploited Universe folks) away from TF.N.

SOTJ was established to feature the works and commentary of ANYONE who feels that the EU just doesn't cut it, and want to explore AU, fan fiction, the ExU stories, etc.

To all the newer folks, welcome and please stop buy and chat with the rest of us "old timers"

Regards,
Brat.

 

Have you all heard about the latest NJO atrocity????

Don't want to spoil it if people don't REALLY want to know.

It just gets worse.

 

The Exploited Adventures of Captain Obvious

(scriptment version)

Episode I

An Obvious ResEUrrection

Ric Olie eyes Kev Enjay Andursun suspiciously

Ric: I am suspicious of you

Kev: I see that. No need to be alarmed.

Ric: You are trying to calm my fears

Kev: With good reason

Ric: You have a plan

Kev: Indeed. (reaches down below his exhibition table. Produces a pouch. Pulls out something that looks like a clothes iron)

Ric: That looks like a clothes iron

Kev: But that's not what it's for...

Ric: Ah. All is not as it appears to be. This is a new concept to me...

Kev: There's hope for you yet.

Ric: The iron is used for something else, then.

Kev (mumbles to self): Maybe there is no hope for him.

Ric: You're speaking inaudibly. I can't hear you.

Kev: Sorry. I just recently killed off Luke Skywalker.

Ric: I see. Luke must be dead, then.

Kev (sighs, looks around, mumbles again): Perhaps Olie is not as strong as Darth Lucre thought...

Ric: Darth Lucre is after money.

Kev: Your insight serves you well.

Ric: I make good use of my insight.

Kev: Since I killed off Luke Skywalker, I need someone to replace him in my quest for more money.

Ric: You used Luke to make money.

Kev (mumbles): Idiot (then audibly to Ric) Nothing gets past you, does it?

Ric: I'm observant.

Kev: This "iron" is very special.

Ric: It must be unique, then.

Kev: That's synonymous with special, yes. Geez, you should be an author. You've got the synonyms down pat. Anybody can produce a book for Darth Lucre.

Ric: I have a future as an author. I'm very observant.

Kev: You also remind me of Keanu Reeves.

Ric: I remind you of someone, I see.

Kev: I should've never made this bargain. This deal is getting worse all the time.

Ric: You got mixed up in a bad deal.

Kev: Am I using a Jedi Mind trick on this guy, or what?

Ric:

Kev: I'm just gonna come out and say it, since subtlty is lost on you.

Ric: I am not adept at subtlty.

Kev: This iron ressurects the dead.

Ric: The dead come back to life with the use of that iron?

Kev: Did you actually ask a question?

Ric: Sorry, that was a statement. You intend to resurrect someone with that iron.

Kev: Yes.

Ric: You intend to resurrect some one in an attempt to gain more money.

Kev: Yes.

Ric: You're gonna resurrect the Emperor.

Kev: Nope, that's already been done. I could get my @$$ sued for doing that.

Ric: You could get in trouble for resurrecting the Emperor because of plagarism.

Kev: A writer like myself only has so many resources. So I intend to resurrect Jango Fett.

Ric: Jango Fett is dead.

Kev: Well, no, not yet. But I cheated. I found out he dies, and by the time I will have gotten around to resurrecting him, he will be dead.

Ric: You're going to resurrect him to make more money.

Kev: Yes, but that's not where my plan ends. Come with me... (walks away from table with Ric)

Ric (to convention greeter): We're leaving

 

God I hope he is ok.

Darth Holliday if you are out there PLEASE let us know!!

I know I've been gone for awhile so maybe he is just taking a SW's break.

 

Keep up the good work! I love those Captain obvious stories.

 

Somehow I envision the scene between Captian Obvious Ric Olie' and Kev Enjay Andursun being portrayed by Colin Mocherie (sp?) (as Ric) and Ryan Stiles (as Kev) from "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?"...

Anyway... keep up the good work, Twink_Kee.



Oh where, oh where can Darth Holliday be? Oh where, oh where can he be?......


Maybe Holliday is a proud member of our Armed Forces Reserves, and got called up to active duty... and doesn't have the time or resources to post... at least that's a better thought of where he could be.....

 

Yes. let's hope so. Or he could be ill. Or on holiday. Or he's brought a new computer, but has to wait a few months for the Net to work for some reason....

#Always look on the bright side of life, de de, de de, de de de de de de....#

 

nice work twin-kee
has anyone seen this: "Tag and Bink are dead"? Is it good?

 

Okay, before I do this I need to ask you lot,
1) has any one asked the Admins or
2) tryed PMing any of the people on Darth Holliday's Watched Users list
To find out if they know him personally and know what is up with him?

If no one posts saying that they have done so by next Friday, then I will begin chasing up the people on Darth Holiday's Watched Users list and seeing if they can enlighten us...
Here hoping for the best.
Harj.

 

Oh...wow...I never thought to check to see when he stopped posting. Are you sure he didn't stop posting at least a week before the attack?


Let's hope he's all right.

But in the meantime, we must continue with the great stories. Optimism here, people!!!

 

I had to post here today, it being my first JC anniversary and all.

Thanks to all who got me on the wagon and helped keep me there. The EU hasn't sucked any cash from my wallet in over a year. YEAH!!!!!!!

I'll get the third Bong chapter going tonight, so it should be ready by early next week. But no promises...

 

Cool. Let's keep things goin'

The Exploited Adventures of Captain Obvious

(scriptment version)

Episode 2

A *Shocking* RevEUlation

Kev Enjay Andurson and Ric Olie are sneaking into a graveyard

Kev is wearing a *surprisingly* unoriginal robe, that looks like it belongs to Darth Sidious

Ric is wearing his good ol' Naboo pilots outfit

Ric: the dead must be buried here.

Kev: Yes. This is the Exploited Graveyard. These are ideas that have been rehashed over and over again from canon into the EU.

Ric: Then these ideas must have become redundant.

Kev: Now there's a word that shouldn't be lost on you.

Ric: I'm insulted.

Kev: Anyways, we gotta go past the EU graveyard and into the Ripe Graveyard.

Ric: I'm confused.

Kev: The Ripe Graveyard is an area of finished canon ideas that haven't been exploited yet. With the addition of the prequels, there's plenty of material here. We've milked the original trilogy beyond belief. We've milked people like Boba Fett.

Ric: Boba Fett must be related to Jango. They're both Fetts.

Kev: Boba Fett *used* to have a marker here.

Ric: Boba Fett must be dead.

Kev: Nobody has found Boba's body yet, so there's no proof that he is dead. He's a prime candidate for exploitation.

Ric: His uncertain fate makes it easy for you to make money off him.

Kev: We'll now take Jango and make use of him to our advantage.

Ric: Jango is a candidate for exploitation. Why do you need me?

Kev: Did you just ask a question? I thought everything was obvious to you?

Ric: Sorry. I meant, you need me. That's why you asked me along.

Kev: That's better. Ah. Here's Jango's mosoleum.

Ric: Jango Fett must be buried here.

Kev: I let you in on a little secret. Darth Lucre uses this graveyard sometimes.

Ric: Darth Lucre milks ideas.

Kev: Darth Lucre created a creature called a Rancor, and milked it into a creature called a Reek. It's buried here too, waiting for recycling.

Ric: Darth Lucre rehashed his own creation.

Kev: Here's what the "iron" is for. (opens the carsophogus of Jango. places iron on corpses chest. shocks corpse)

(Jango has no head)

Ric: He must've been decapitated.

(Jango corpse sits up. torso twists)

Ric: His head is missing.

Kev: I know that, damnit. Help me look for it.

Ric: We need to find his head.

Kev (sees box marked "Jango's Head")

Ric: His head must be kept in there.

Kev (opens up box, lifts out head)

Ric: It must be reattached.

Kev (pulls out red lightsaber)

Ric: You must be a Sith Lord.

Kev: Yep. There are more than two in my galaxy. (takes lightsaber to neck of Jango)

Ric: You are going to use that lightsaber to reattach his head

Kev: I'm gonna cauterize back on

Ric: You are fusing his head with his neck.

Kev: I'm exploiting him. The laws of science don't apply.

(Jango grunts)

Kev: There. I'm done.

Ric: He lives again.

Jango: What happened?

Kev: Mace Windu whupped your monkey @$$.

Ric: Mace Windu cut your head off.

Jango: Where's my son.

Ric: He is being exploited.

Jango: He's WHAT?!?

Kev: Uh, that is he is in the sarlaacs belly.

audience member: I'm glad to hear one of these exploited authors finally admit to that

Kev: Jango, you will come with us. I have many plans for you.

Jango: First we rescue my son.

Ric: We must go rescue Boba Fett.

Kev: Hmm. A father-son bounty hunter team up. I can make mucho $$$ off this.

Ric: You see profit in this bargain.

Kev: Let's go to your starship.

Ric: We'll need my starship to reach Tatooine.

 

Ric: The above story is quite humourous.

Funny.

 

All right, Twink_Kee! Nothing gets past that devilishly handsome Ric Olie!

Now it's my turn. I'm not sure how this one is going to go over, as it's a bit of a departure; if you don't like it, go ahead and say so (it's the only way I'll learn ):

The Final (for the forseeable future) Lost Tale from Jabba's Palace:

The Tale of the Elom

Nobody talks much about the Elom; he doesn't have his own action figure, and the EU sources have trouble keeping the backstory of his species straight. There's a very good reason for this: the "Elom" wasn't an Elom! It is a bitter tale of tragedy and lack of research. It is also a short tale .

The "Elom" was actually a guy in a suit; let's call him J.B. J.B. worked for an entertainment firm on Tatooine; his job was to dress up in costumes and appear at parties.

A few days before Luke Skywalker arrived to rescue his friends, J.B. had been dispatched to a masquerade party being thrown for alumni of the U of Tatooine (Fighting Banthas) on the eve of the big homecoming balf game against their hated rivals, the Mrkyr Immobile Anti-Force Lizards. In his very hot "Elom" regalia (part of an elaborate plot set up by one of the fraternities to trick the Dean), he stopped at a vending machine, which was out of everything but Colaa. Drinking it, he promptly fell sick, and in his incapacitated condition, a band of punk, "kewl" Jawas (distinguished by all-black robes and sunglasses) welded the fittings of his suit together.

Needless to say, he was quite distressed on finding himself imprisioned in the suit. Looking for a way to contact his company, he rushed to the nearest building, which by coincidence was the Mos Eisley Cantina. Unfortunately, a previous author, fleshing out the tale of Dengar, had inadvertantly left behind a poorly-characterized alien responsible for kidnapping beings for the heck of it and giving them to Jabba. This alien knocked J.B. out and took him to the Palace.

Much to his surprise, the denizens of the Palace, having never met a true Elom, liked him a lot. Part of this may have been the fact that his suit muffled his voice, and they could never figure out what he was saying; he was just another wild and crazy alien. It took some getting used to being stuck in the suit, but he managed.

He was enjoying himself mightily when Skywalker arrived and interrupted his idyllic new lifestyle. Of course, he went out on the sail barge, and of course, he escaped; his contribution to the future of the galaxy was that in his drunken and visually-impaired state, he accidently tripped into Boba Fett and exposed the emergency activation mechanism for his rocket pack, allowing Han to, well, you saw the movie.

The Palace after Jabba was very depressing; most of his new friends were busy having their brains removed. Worse was yet to come.

Hordes of journalists descended upon the Palace, asking the survivors questions. J.B., trapped as he was in his "Elom" suit, was a disappointing subject:

Journalist: You are?

J.B.: Jwwm-Mwwhoo-Ahhh!

Journalist (turning to protocol droid):

Droid: He seems to be saying he has twelve glaciers in his nose.

Journalist: Hmmm...I'll just make up something. Uh, Elom...this book says they're pro-Rebellion, so he must be a spy.

J.B.: Hhmms-ghhhyy! Chhhn-huuum!

This went on for weeks, J.B. getting more and more frustrated. He would have cut himself out of the suit, but he didn't want to have to pay for it. Meanwhile, the journalists came up with a variety of ideas, each more silly than the next. Some said, like our example, he was a Rebel spy. Others said he was a traitor. Still others said that he wasn't an Elom, because the books they had said Elom were four-armed humanoids, or something like that. Fortunately for J.B. (one of these stories of mine has to have a happy ending, right?), one of his new friends picked him up; let's say Ephant Mon.

 

LOL. Everyone's doing a great job. Keep up the fantastic work everyone.

 

I PMed a few admins about DH. Mr. P says he's registered on AOL in Arlington VA. A little too close to the Pentagon for my taste. Anybody else hoping he doesn't work for the defense department?

 

I think that only about 100 people died at the Pentagon. The chances of Holliday dying there are extremely slim.

 

However slim, there is still a chance.
I have a bad feeling about this....

 

EUfinities

A New Hope

Chapter 7


Underling: We're approaching the time portal.

Tarkin: At last we will be rid of those meddlesome kids! Wow with a catch phrase like that i could be a super villain

Tarkin walks off to go get N'k'rhuz and Juke.

Vader: Tarkin's cool but that catch phrase is a little...

Underling: Scooby Doo?

Vader: Thank you.

Underling: How did he get to be in charge of you anyway?

Vader: we drew jobs out of a hat.

Underling: Palpatine has a hat?

Vader: You'd be surprised at all the crap he has.

Underling: Does he have a slinky?

Vader: I think he took one off his son.

Underling: Son?

Vader: His son is what gives him his anger, it's a stoner kept alive by all EUvil things. It holds the EUniverse together.

Underling: It? I thought you said it was his son.

Vader: Palpatine always considers his son "not worthy of being called that". Guy's a nut i think.

Underling: wow

Vader: Don't get me wrong i like palatine. I was the first to subscribe to Palp Weekly.
It's just sometimes his ideas are a little...

Underling: Power Ranger-ish?

Vader: Thank you.

Meanwhile in the cargo hold...

N'k'rhuz: So then Lenny says "don't even go there sister"!

Juke: hahahahahahaha!!! good story N'k'rhuz.

N'k'rhuz: Yeah, Lenny said it.

Tarkin: all right you simpletons time to go back to your time.

Juke: Not until we get what we deserve.

Tarkin: Ok. Stormtroopers, fire at will.

N'k'rhuz: NOOO WAIT!!! we um want to see the cockpit!!

Tarkin: weeeeeeeeell ok.

they walk into the cockpit and are shown around.

Pilot 1: and this is the cup holder...it holds cups, and this is the shiny red button that we never ever push.

Juke: what's this button do?

he pushes the button and the ship falls through the time portal and wind up in the future.

Tarkin: uhhhh, where are we, when are we?

N'k'rhuz: we're post ROTJ.

Tarkin: things are only bound to get worse...

Juke: just wait till you meet the Vong!


Back on Courasant (ANH) leia is talking to a hologram of a dark figure.

Leia: You have information on where Luke and the others are? how?

Dark Figure: Letsa just say that mesa met them recently.

Leia: Where are they headed?

DF: Here. They're on Kiffix, searching for Quinn and Yoda, mesa suggest yousa wait.

Leia: Kiffix? Is it legal to get off alive?

DF: Mesa will make it legal.

Leia: and Quinn and Yoda?

DF: The author sould've never have brought them into this...kill them immediately.

Leia: By your command...I mean, as you wish.

The hologram shuts off.

The dark figure stands on the balcony staring at the stars.

DF: Mesa will find you Han....and your little wookie to...yousa will meet your end... Mwahahahahaha!!

DF's Mom: Honey it's time for dinner!

DF: But mom i'm not done talking to myself!

DF's mom: yousa have to eat so yousa can get to soccer practice on time!

DF: Ok.

DF runs inside.


Back in the future...

Juke: how shall we rid ourselves of vader?

N'k'rhuz: they know nothing of this time, we shall leave them here, eventually they will die.

Juke and N'k'rhuz run to the escape pod and fly back through the portal.
Little do they know that Underling was watching.

Underling: I'll get promoted for this! If we ever get back i'll be rich! The possibilities are endless!

_____________________________________________

Audience member 1: I like EUfinities but that chapter was a little...

Member 2: Nickelodeon?

Member 1: Thank you.

 

Wow.. Arlington.. that's scary.

 

...I think we may just be worrying a little too much.

I mean, what are the odds that one of us was working for the Department and happened to be one of those hundred or so that died?


Maybe he's just on a vacation.







I hope.

 

I know I'm being paranoid, but it's one of the things I do best.

I plan on becoming a conspiracy theorist when I turn 40. I'll drive a cab twelve hours a day and annoy my fares like Mel Gibson in that crappy Julia Roberts movie...



Ah, whatever. I'm sure he just got sick of this place, that's all.