Saga - OT Bad Business | Hondo Ohnaka, Melch, Greedo, OCs, humour | Mods’ Dare Challenge 2024

Title: Bad Business
Timeframe: Just before ANH
Characters: Hondo Ohnaka, Melch, Greedo, OCs
Notes: Bonvika Deseradii Feolla is borrowed with permission from @Findswoman; she appears in her stories Early Morning Thoughts of a Hutt's Gardener, Pandemonium at a Hutt's Garden Party, Of Urgent Transmissions and Curious Dropped Objects, In Search of a Hutt’s Dinner Music, Shaman, Traveler, Oracle (chapters 24ff.) and Righteous Indignation of a Hutt Betrayed as well as Dinner at the Hungry Hutt, which was co-authored by Finds and myself. Zane the Gamorrean is a semi-OC of mine who has his own story thread, The Life and Times of the Dancing Gamorrean.
Challenge response: This is a response to the 2024 Dare Challenge. The dare I received from the inimitable @Vek Talis is behind the spoiler tag.

Spoiler

I dare you to write a fic of exactly 2,327 words, set in either the OT or PT. Your fic should have only one character POV (if your normal style is omniscient POV then this is your chance to write outside the box) and include the words: Solivagant, Pestilence, Palaver. Your main character should NOT be a major character in any of the films. Your fic should include some sort of fight and at least one character (who isn’t the main character) tap dancing. Your character’s goal in this fic is to kill one of the main characters in the OT or PT. You may, if your muse requires it, substitute kill for simply stopping them from reaching some goal, if your written character isn’t a killer, but I would prefer attempted assassination (doesn’t mean they have to be successful). Finally, your fic should take place on a world, or in a space station or space ship that was NOT shown or even referenced in either the OT or PT and contain at least 3 paragraphs of descriptions of that setting (the setting itself can be created by the author or something referenced in Wookiepedia or any other source, so long as it is only referenced there and not in any of the movies).

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Bad Business

Ah, Melch! What a palaver! Would you believe that I, Hondo Ohnaka, failed to secure payment for my services? It is something unheard of, something that would never have happened in the heyday of my pirating career – but it seems that many of my former associates would seek to take advantage of my disposition to launch a legitimate business. Yes, Melch, Ohnaka Transport Solutions is intended to be an entirely legitimate business – for those who do not look too closely at any rate. Did we jump to hyperspace yet? Remaining in orbit could prove to be very bad for our collective health indeed. Where Zane is? I’m afraid Zane won’t be joining us. Oh, I’m sure he’s perfectly fine. He’s a Gamorrean, after all. Please jump as soon as possible; that’s all that matters now.

Why we were on Nal Hutta? To seek funds for Ohnaka Transport Solutions of course! No, Melch, I was not planning to secure a loan from the Hutts. That would be extremely bad business. I had simply agreed to a lucrative operation to get us started. However, things didn’t go as anticipated, and that double-crossing Rodian bounty hunter double-crossed us.

Yes, us, Melch. You want Ohnaka Transport Solutions to get off the ground as much as I do, don’t you? Even if it entails agreeing to less-than-reputable schemes on this slimy mudhole of a rock. You cannot imagine the pestilence of the place. Malodorous fumes of rotting material emanating from the bogs, all manners of snakes, lizards and insects crawling and slithering between the plants and a cacophony of batrachians – frogs – that some Hutts like to think of as music. Yes, one Hutt in particular. It’s well-known that Bonvika Deseradii Feolla’s ambition is to form the first all-batrachian orchestra in galactic history, though the purpose of it evades me. She is absolutely besotted with the creatures and thinks of them as the most adorable pets – artistically inclined, in her own words. What she means by that… well, let us simply say that it raises a number of questions about her sanity, although you would be ill-advised to repeat this outside the confines of this ship. She is angry enough with us as things are.

Yes, Melch, strictly speaking, she is angry with me, but it isn’t particularly far-fetched to assume that her anger extends to the entirety of my crew, which presently consists of you, now that dear Zane has sought other avenues of employment. Hutts aren’t precisely known for their intellectual subtlety. What I did to attract her ire? Ah. It wasn’t precisely me. Our partner in this operation – yes, I’ll grant you that, my partner, or at the very least the double-crossing double-crosser who had hired my services and failed to pay for them – insisted on coming up with the plan on his own. What do you mean, my plan would hardly have been better? I must take offence! My plans always work, and – no, that one doesn’t count, it was… – and no, that one doesn’t count either. By the way, did we jump to hyperspace yet? It is of the utmost urgency that we do so. No, I am not procrastinating. I merely wish to put a healthy distance between us and any of Bonvika’s ships.

Very well, very well, I will tell you the details. Our partner – agreed, my partner, I’ll even go so far as to call him my employer, even though you know how much I dislike applying this term to myself – my partner, as I was saying, is the Rodian Greedo. Yes, that Greedo, the one in the service of His Ultimate Sliminess Jabba himself. No, Melch, I did not accept a job from Jabba. Greedo was simply in the mood for a bit of freelancing, and I agreed to assist him. No, I emphatically did not, and do not, intend to engage in bounty hunting of any sort. I am a pirate by profession – an honest businessman now – and this was meant to be the last time I cooperated with that sort of galactic riffraff. Alas, given the way that double-crosser double-crossed us – scandalously, I may add – it is an unfortunate fact that we may have to commit again to one of those vile schemes in order to obtain the capital required for Ohnaka Transport Solutions.

What the job was? I was coming to that. You see, it appears that Greedo has a rivalry of sorts with Han Solo – no, Melch, Han Solo isn’t a bounty hunter, he’s a smuggler, an accomplished one. Jabba the Hutt swears by his services – or swore, I should say, as it appears that Solo recently encountered a mishap of sorts and lost a shipment of spice that was intended for the Bloated One’s stores. What do I care for the details? Bounty hunters and spice runners are of no concern to me, I am now an honest businessman, remember? Fine, I endeavour to be an honest businessman. You will be eating your words soon enough and I will most certainly be expecting an apology. At any rate, there is an intense mutual dislike between Solo and Greedo, and the latter appears to think that Solo’s fall from grace is an opportunity to improve his own standing in Jabba’s court.

If Jabba has put a bounty on Solo’s head? Of course not, my dear boy! Where did you get that idea? The Bloated One is known to be ruthless, yes, but he is also a shrewd entrepreneur. He only demanded repayment with interest. And that is why Solo was on Nal Hutta. He is currently running shipments on behalf of the great Bonvika for the Intergalactic Society of Plangonologists. No, I have no idea what plangonologists are. Does it truly matter? Our partner – yes, yes, my partner – in this operation was Greedo himself, not His Ultimate Sliminess. As I said already, working with Jabba would be bad business, and Greedo was freelancing anyway.

His purpose? To kill Han Solo, of course! Apparently that silly Rodian believes that bringing his head to Jabba on a platter would help him rise through the ranks. A foolish thought, if you ask me – given a choice between a pile of credits and a corpse, Jabba will always prefer the credits, and as I mentioned he had demanded payment with interest. But Greedo’s fate is of no concern to me as long as he pays me for my services. There is a debt there that I will have to collect at some point.

What do you mean, if I was going to kill Han Solo? Of course I wasn’t! I have standards, after all. My intent was merely to assist Greedo in his endeavour, and well… let us simply say that the outcome did not matter much as long as I received payment. Which I haven’t, but I digress. Yes, it is most definitely an unsavoury job, but Ohnaka Transport Solutions isn’t going to fund itself, you know? And despite Greedo’s insistence that he develop the plan, I had made some tweaks of my own in order to give Solo a chance to escape. I see no point in making enemies on the account of someone else. It’s bad business; surely you can understand that.

No, Melch, I am not lecturing you about what is good and bad business. I would certainly describe to you the details of the operation if you were not constantly interrupting me. Greedo wanted to land in Bilbousa and travel to the great Bonvika’s estate in Gebroila by speeder, but I was fortunately able to talk him out of it. Why? My dear boy, have you never been to Bilbousa? It is a hive of scum and villainy if there ever was one, a putrid, sprawling mess where giant roots grow out of looming pods and create arches over the collection of pathetic little structures that pass for buildings on Nal Hutta. And the population, dear heavens, the population! Smugglers, bounty hunters and criminals, the lot of them – certainly not a place where an aspiring honourable businessman like myself would like to be seen.

All right, all right, I will cut my story short. As I said, I was able to convince him to fly directly to the outskirts of Gebroila, where I disembarked with Zane while you kept watch on the ship. Yes, Melch, it was absolutely indispensable that Zane accompany me – and yes, he will be fine, I will explain that in a moment – as he was an essential part of my adjustments to Greedo’s plan. The three of us strolled to the entrance of Bonvika’s estate, and I must take a moment to express my puzzlement at her reputation for running her household in style. It is said that the gardens of her palace are one of the wonders of the galaxy, but frankly, Melch, how anyone could consider that mephitic bog a wonder confounds me. All there is to it is an extravagant display of wealth. Roots, branches, trunks, stems, leaf litter – all of it is merely a playground for the swarms of batrachians that have overrun the entire place, and the palace itself is no different. It is but the mansion of an oversized gastropod with delusions of grandeur who seeks to hide her sluggish nature behind an overabundance of marble columns and gilded ceilings, and who forgets that, for those of us who are not swamp-dwellers, the presence of her croaking pets is an annoyance with which we would happily dispense.

No, Melch, I am not going on and on about Bonvika’s palace to delay the moment when I will have to admit how I left Zane behind. As a matter of fact, the presence of so many batrachians in the palace is a key reason for his absence right now, if you will allow me to continue.

Greedo had made arrangements with one of Bonvika’s staff – her gardener, I believe – for us to be introduced in the audience chamber while Solo received his final instructions regarding the shipment for the plangonologists, with the intent that we should be able to follow him out as he left. Of course, that piece of Rodian rabble doesn’t know how to deal with those who think of themselves as royalty, and Bonvika most definitely thinks of herself as royalty. This is where Zane comes in. Given Bonvika’s stated interest in the arts, I had made arrangements of my own for him to perform a little Gamorrean tapdance for her entertainment, so as to give Solo the time to make his escape. Yes, Melch, when you visit a Hutt, it is good practice to have a gift on hand, even an intangible one such as Zane’s talent. To come empty-handed, so to speak, is bad business, believe me.

Why, yes, Zane gave his performance. An excellent performance, if I do say so myself, and one that I found particularly enjoyable as Greedo, on the one hand, was like a felid on hot permacrete in his impatience to follow Han Solo, while the great Bonvika was immensely entertained. She kept applauding in-between letting out squeals of delight, and I was growing increasingly confident that my little scheme was working to perfection… but I hadn’t counted on the batrachians.

It turned out that one of Bonvika’s revered pets had found its way to the dance floor, and more precisely under Zane’s paw. And, well, as you know, Gamorreans are quite heavy and batrachians rather small, and… ahem… let us just say that it didn’t end well for the batrachian.

Alas, Melch, no, it did not end there, even though the squelch of the trampled batrachian would have been enough in and of itself to send the great Bonvika into a fury. The fact is that, due to the slippery nature of crushed batrachian on a marble floor, and the application of the laws of physics to the weight of a tapdancing Gamorrean… all right, yes, to put it simply, Zane flew into the air and landed on the army of batrachians that provided the so-called music for his number.

No, Melch, none survived as far as I could tell.

Oh, the great Bonvika was furious all right. She summoned every single one of her staff who could carry a weapon and launched them at us.

Why, we fled, of course. Well, Greedo was so unwise as to pull out his blaster and try to fight back, but I know better. Shooting a Hutt’s guards inside their palace is definitely bad business – outside as well, now that I think of it, which, unfortunately, I had to do as we made our way back to the landing pads, because Zane, being a Gamorrean, isn’t the fastest runner.

If I let Zane be slaughtered by Bonvika’s guards? Are you out of your mind, Melch? How could you ever believe that I would do such a thing? No, it just so happened that Greedo’s ship was closer than ours on the landing pad, and Zane ran straight up the ramp.

Why I didn’t get him back? Have you heard anything I said, Melch? We were hunted by Bonvika’s guards! There was no time to demand payment from Greedo, let alone to convince Zane to come out and run an extra fifty metres to join us on the Last Chance. What do you mean, I would give priority to my payment over Zane’s well-being? Of course I would! Not being paid for one’s services is bad business.

Now really, Melch, are you going to leave in a huff over Zane? I’m telling you, he’ll be fine! He’s a Gamorrean; there is no doubt whatsoever that he will be hired as a guard as soon as Greedo returns to Jabba’s palace! You cannot abandon me, Melch! We’ll get Zane back, I promise you. Come back, Melch! Melch! Why oh why am I condemned to always be a solivagant? Working alone is such bad business! Melch!

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Endnotes and Wookieepedia links

Spoiler

According to the Wook, Nal Hutta isn’t ever mentioned in the movies, although the Wook has been known to make mistakes. Bilbousa is the planetary capital and Gebroila another (Legends) city where Findswoman chose to locate Bonvika’s palace.

The Intergalactic Society of Plangonologists is the brainchild of Findswoman in her story Righteous Indignation of a Hutt Betrayed. A plangonologist is a doll collector.

Nal Hutta’s artistically inclined batrachians (a word I made up from the Greek word for frogs, which gave its name to a particular clade of amphibians in RL) are my own creation; I first used them in my story Seven.

For more about Zane the Gamorrean and his talent for the performing arts, head over to my story thread The Life and Times of the Dancing Gamorrean.

Ohnaka Transport Solutions is the company established by Hondo on Batuu after his involvement with the Rebellion. Hondo owned a number of ships throughout his life; I wasn’t able to determine with certainty which one he would still have just before AHN and therefore settled on the Last Chance.

 

Oh, I just know this is going to be good, based on the title alone!

The great Hondo Ohnaka failing to secure payment for services rendered? The scandal!

And you were expecting something else from the double-crossing double-crosser?

Oh, no, I remember her. I mean, oh yay, I remember her! lol

Especially that Hutt, lol.

Mmmm, methinks he doth protest too much.

I'm not sure he understands what being an 'honest businessman' entails?

Oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten about the 'honest' part of his business. Funded by attempted murder - always a good start on that 'honest' part.

Surely a venerable nest of honest businessmen!

Ooo, nice descriptions.

Isn't there a song that goes: "Frogs, frogs, everywhere frogs, croaking up the scenery, sitting on logs, croak this don't croak that, can't you see the frogs" ???

I can picture it all in my head, too. Delightful.

I would think Han would be too entranced by the sight of a tap dancing Gamorrean to make a run for it!

Ouch.

Oh, the carnage! I'll bet Han was running after that faux-pas.

Because an honest businessman always fires back after his attempted assassination plan goes awry.

... No one said Gamorreans were the brightest bulbs in the sockets.

Well, I'm sure it has nothing to do with your legendary honesty!




You managed to keep the word count, too! That was some story, @Chyntuck well written and fiery like the depths of Hades itself. I'll bet Han will never look at another batrachian the same way again. Just perfect!

 

Fun to read and what a response to a challenge. Hondo is a great character muttering to Melch about what he has experienced.

 

I kept thinking I couldn’t find another thing to choke back laughter at and then something would land with awkward magnificence like Zane on an army of batrachians. This poor narrator needs to really go to Jakku or Tatooine for some meditative lack of bogs.

 

I really love the first person narrative from Hondo's perspective and it kind of feels like he's writing a section in his diary---or at least, that's how I would write it if I were writing my diary; full of musings and chaos

The laws of physics? Hondo, dear, this is Star Wars. There are no laws

I love how Gamorreans have the job security of being guards if their first career doesn't work out--of course they do!

A great response to the challenge and a perfect dare for you!

 

Love the Hondo voice in this, and how we get a sense of Melch's increasingly fed-up reactions as it goes along.

Uh huh. I'm sure this kind of thing would just NEVER happen but for a thing that was someone else's fault...

Oh Hondo.

It's lovely to see that Bonvika made an appearance!

Uh oh! Well, that went straight from the frying pan to the fire to the unfortunately placed puddle of gasoline.

It's hard to keep good employees, or so I hear! Melch has had enough and I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around for the encore of the All-Batrachian Orchestral Massacre.

 

Oh my goodness, I have no notes. This was perfection! You have nailed Hondo in this! Every single line, pause, quip, and inflection, I could hear 'em all in that inimitable voice of his, adding extra comedy value to the simplest of sentences. Hondo is being pure Hondo throughout: spinning a long-winded tale in which he attempts to paint himself in the best possible light; dwelling on unnecessary detail with his poetic piratical soul; skipping over questions he doesn't know the answer to, or that distract from his starring role; generously extending Bonvika's anger to his crew (poor Melch)... like I said, perfection!

And then you went and added a dancing Gamorrean, because of course you did.

I'll add Zane's backstory to my ever-growing backlog. For now, I'm just real impressed that you were able to meet this dare head-on, 'cause I loved the result!

 

Well, it's "only" five-and-a-half months later, but I'm here for replies at last Thanks so much to everyone who stopped by to read and review this little piece of zaniness!

@Vek Talis A double helping of thanks to you, for the detailed review and also for supplying this dare! I had so much fun figuring out how to write it, and I'm glad you enjoyed the result!

Ah yes. These things happen even to the best of us.

To be entirely honest, I don't think he did... but he was hoping that things would somehow sort themselves out on their own.

Isn't she awesome?

Naaaah, you think?

I'd go so far as to say that even he has doubts about understanding the concept at all!

Hey, it's Hondo. You have to be flexible.

Fair point. I think that someone needs to rewrite this story from the POV of Han Solo.

I should probably have mentioned in my opening notes that no batrachians were harmed during the writing of this fic

Oh yes. That's definitely an honest businessman thing to do.

Well, this one in particular isn't, but he's a nice person with an inclination towards the arts

Nothing at all, indeed!

Thanks again!

@earlybird-obi-wan Thank you! I had a great time writing this, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!

@DarthIshtar Thank you!

Well, since Greedo is heading for Tatooine, Hondo may manage to kill two mynocks with a single blaster shot: get his payment, and no frogs

@Mira_Jade Thank you for the detailed review!

"Palaver" was actually the prompt element that I used as an entry point to come up with this story. Vek's dare was pretty open-ended when you think of it (the main body of the story is essentially "someone tries to kill someone else"), but when I saw "palaver" I knew immediately that my narrator would be Hondo, because who else would use that word?

And once I decided that my narrator was Hondo, well, the dramatic monologue followed quite naturally

I don't know if you've read the stories by Raissa and Seldes_Katne featuring a reformed Hondo, who isn't a pirate anymore but still has a rather unorthodox approach to business and honesty, but that's very much where I got this idea.

This was actually the difficult part of writing this story for me: to not get to the point, or rather, to take as much time and as many words as possible to get there – because that's just what Hondo does.

Haha! Once I decided that the story would take place on Nal Hutta – because that's where pirates bounty hunters honest businessmen go for business of course – I knew I had to have Bonvika in there, and @Findswoman was very kind to let me use her! As for the tale of their reconciliation, hmmm... it's true that it's a story that begs to be written (and it should most certainly involve the plangonologists), perhaps Finds would consider writing it?

Oh, Greedo is the sort of scum and villainy that makes Hondo feel honest

He has a lot in common with Han Solo, come to think of it...

TOTALLY! You know, the first time Finds used the word "plangonologist", I immediately understood what it means because it's Greek (d'oh), but I have to say that it sounds very bizarre and slightly ridiculous in English.

I agree that this was the tricky bit, because once "palaver" led me to Hondo, I couldn't really figure out a situation where he'd deliberately try to kill someone – but then I realised that, this being Hondo, I could involve him in any number of schemes that entailed killing someone but not really...

... and that's where the "not really" part came in.

Oh yes. As I said above, he's... flexible.

This is so typically Hondo, isn't it? I rewatched a few episodes of TCW and Rebels for this fic, and it's amazing how he's always – ALWAYS – able to shift blame for just about anything.

&

You spoke many times in your review of the motifs of my fic, but now it's my turn to speak of the motifs of your review, and this one had me laughing out loud

Actually, I had to cut a few Melch-es here and there in the text to bring my word count down, but I was adamant that the final one would remain there – because it should!

Thank you!

@gizkaspice Thank you!

Oooooh, a Hondo diary? How come nobody ever tried to write one for the DDC? It's definitely a story that deserves to be written!

Haha! Zane is someone to whom things happen by chance. He became a clown by chance, he became a pirate by chance, now he's becoming a guard in Jabba's palace by chance. He also has a bright future ahead of him as a Rebel, which I've already written about in another thread.

Thanks again!

@Kahara Thank you!

Oh, thanks so much! One thing that I find difficult when writing a monologue (and especially a Hondo monologue) is to convey what the listener feels, and I was thinking that Melch would be letting out increasingly irate grunts and snorts as Hondo talked. I'm glad it came through!

With Hondo, it's always someone else's fault

Yep. Always someone else's fault!

I love how Bonvika has her little fan club on the boards!

That would be one way of putting it

Oh Kahara... you have such a way with words! Thanks again for the lovely review!

@devilinthedetails Thank you!

Thanks again! In this case though, half the credit should go to Vek Talis who required that I use the word "palaver". The rest just followed naturally!

You know, by now, I wonder if Hondo is speaking from experience...

Thanks again! Bogs and marshes are possibly my least favourite environments, and the sliminess has a lot to do with it.

I love making up titles for Jabba! I have a whole page of them in one of my notebooks, it's just not possible to not use them whenever I have a chance.

Thanks again!

@Happy Sando Thank you so much!

Thanks! This was my first time writing Hondo, and it was a little intimidating because he has such a specific voice – and a "poetic piratical soul", as you so aptly put it I'm glad it worked for you!

I said in my reply to Mira_Jade above that, as soon as I saw the word "palaver", I knew that this had to be about Hondo – but then, when I saw the requirement that a character be tapdancing, I knew that would be Zane. Luckily for me, Zane and Hondo have a history in common, since Zane is the Gamorrean clown on Florrum in TCW, so bringing them together for this story was easy.

Thanks again!

@Findswoman Thank you!

First of all, you weren't late at all to review, and I should be apologising again for taking so long to reply. And second, thank you so much for your kind comments; as I said above, this being my first time writing Hondo, it was all a bit intimidating, and I'm really happy that you enjoyed this story!

And thank you so much for letting me borrow Bonvika! I never expected that I'd have her appear in a non-Eliskandro story, but this is where the all-batrachian orchestra made its first appearance in the (crushed) flesh after all. I think I need to write a mishap-free story now, where Eliskandro and Bonvika fawn over their favourite pets (And I agree, frogs make amazing music. In my village in the spring, there's a continuous concerto for frog and orchestra.)

Oh, it's nice to know that you remember Zane! This is a character that I feel I've neglected for far too long, and I have so many stories in mind for him – one of which being how he became a guard in Jabba's palace, which happened in a rather unexpected way in this story. (By "unexpected" I mean that I definitely intended for him to stumble his way into Jabba's palace, but I hadn't anticipated that it would take a carnage of batrachians to get him there.) As for the “Hondo didn’t quiiiite succeed” scenario... well, that's the story of Hondo's life, isn't it?

Han Solo running shipments for the Intergalactic Society of Plangonologists was just too funny an idea to resist! I can imagine him and Chewbacca checking their cargo and wondering what the blue blazes is happening to them. As for Hondo and Kiri-Aki... well, I think that they need to get to know each other better, and since Mira_Jade suggested that the story of Hondo and Bonvika's reconciliation should be told, I believe that you need to add this bunny to your hutch.

Thanks again and again and again, both for your kind words and for letting me borrow the mahvelous Bonvika for this story – I certainly couldn't have written it without her!

And a final thanks to all readers, reviewers and lurkers! I hope you enjoyed your time in this thread