Story [BATMAN] Just For Laughs--The Joker's Diary (Dear Diary Challenge 2013) - Updated 4/23

TITLE: Just for Laughs--The Joker's Diary
AUTHOR: Volund Statfire
GENRE: Batman: Arkham Asylum/City
CHARACTERS: Joker, Harley Quinn, Batman, and other of Gotham City's notable heroes and villains.
SUMMARY: A year in the life of the Joker as he plans a great prank!
DISCLAIMER: DC owns Joker, Batman, and pretty much everything else I am writing about here.

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08 January, 2013

Dear Diary,

I ran into an old friend on my way to the store today for some grocery shopping. Through his blood-curdling screams and begging me to stop the car and let him out from under it, I was reminded that it has been a while since I had a good laugh.

I drove around for most of the morning to think up something really funny to do, but the screams were kind of distracting, so I turned on the radio. That was when I heard the commercial for a new cartoon on one of the thousand channels of Gotham Cable. And that commercial gave me an idea.

So, I drove over to the Gothan Cable building and asked if I could have copies of the show. Well, I guess the people were surprised to see me show up in their lobby, because they wouldn’t stop screaming and cowering. It’s either that or the dead body that was have dragged apart on the front bumper as I drove through the lobby window. But, I wasn’t getting anywhere with them, so I went in search of the DVDs myself.

It took me about fifteen minutes and three reloads before I finally found someone who would cooperate with my request. Once he gave me the disks, I asked if there was a suggestion box because these were really hard to find. He said something about a wife and kids, so I shot him and took his license. I guess I could mail the suggestion to them. lol

I got back to my car just in time to hear the first sirens of Gotham’s finest coming into earshot. I thanked the secretary, took a mint out of her bowl (they are free, right), and dropped a small bundle of dynamite on her desk for her troubles. You know, I need a tune up. My car was drowning out the sound of them screaming.

I saw in my rearview that the cops showed up just as I turned the corner. The first officers ran into the building as the dynamite went off. There wasn’t an explosion, though. Wait… Was that the confetti filled dynamite that I was supposed to use for Danny’s Happy Parole party? Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it? HA!

Got back home and put the cartoons on. Harley made some popcorn and laid down in front of the TV to watch them with me. After five or six episodes, we got into a playful popcorn fight that ended with me hitting her in the head with the bowl. She must have been tired because she fell fast asleep. She’s missing the best parts, though!

Well, I watched them all. Harley woke up and doesn’t seem to remember watching them with me, or her entire freshman year of high school, but who cares! I have my idea for the best joke that will really kill people. They might even laugh if they get the joke!

Well, good night for now, diary.

J

P.S.: Have Harley go to the store to pick up a dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, two loaves of bread, a carpet cleaner for Danny’s room, and to run the car through the car wash… it’s starting to get a little gamey.

 

OMG this is hilarious! I love your Joker; he's absolutely, murderously insane but hilarious.

Keep going! I'll be following this diary with great interest

 

22 January, 2013

Dear Diary,

After stewing on it for a couple of weeks, and doing a little planning, I have come to two conclusions. First, gravity does in fact work correct and I need money. Not just money, but a little more money than usual. Unfortunately, Harley isn’t worth much… I’ve checked. That leaves getting money the old fashioned way.

Since it’s been snowing in Gotham, I grabbed my blue trench coat and wide brimmed Fedora. It’s cold out there and I don’t need to be sneezing… it’s not good for a punch line. Not to mention, I didn’t want to look conspicuous. Mostly, I just need to stretch the old legs and think.

I went outside and just decided to walk around my amusement park. I avoided the pit traps, the trip wires, and the body of some homeless guy. Oh, he wasn’t dead. Well, not right then. I sent him into the house of mirrors telling him it would be warmer and he wouldn’t get into trouble for sleeping in there. Ah, the screams were music to my ears.

Unfortunately, I still needed money. I left the Funland and just started walking the streets. They were so peaceful and quiet. No blood or anything. So, I rigged a car with a small explosive under the passenger seat. Next time it started, would that guy have a surprise!

I decided that the best way to get some money would be to fall back on old practices. So, I took a purse from an old woman who was fussing over something on the coat she was wearing. Personally, it looked like she needed to kill it again, but the little fox head was smiling, so it couldn’t have been all that bad.

She started screaming something about give me back my purse, blah, blah, blah. It was rather rude. I hadn’t finished looking through it yet. So, I gave her a good squirt of my flower. She screamed a little more then fell down and started squirming around on it ground. That wasn’t supposed to happen… What did I fill it with…? I sniffed at the flower a little. Oh, right. Bleach! I was cleaning it.

[NOTE:] Have Harley stir up more acid.

She started croaking like a frog on the ground behind me. It was cruel what I did to her. So, I kicked her in the head a couple of times to say I was sorry and walked away. She’ll understand. Either that or she’ll die. At least she helped the cause!

I rifled through her purse and found the normal stuff. It has a box of tissues (opened, ick), a tube of lipstick (not my color), a can of mace (I threw it in a pocket for later), and a wallet. No credit cards. SERIOUSLY! What is wrong with the older generation when they don’t even have a good Visa or Mastercard that I could overdraw for some cash? Though, she did have $35.13 and a welfare check for $500.

Unfortunately, the check was made out to that woman. I didn’t look anything like her driver’s license. But, coloring the hair green with half a crayon that I found in my pocket, and making her lips a little more red with a drop of blood from my shoe… didn’t make her look anything like me. That’ll work!

A couple more blocks and I was at a convenience store that also cashed checks. I put on my best old lady grin, pulled my hat down a little, clutched the purse in my purple leather gloves, and walked in. It was abhorred. All clean and quiet. I could barely stand it. It even had an old cops and robbers video game in the corner… the kind that doesn’t even let you choose to be a robber!

I put the check on the counter. The clerk, too many pimples and too bored to even look up said something about needing to see an I.D. I put that down next to the check. He picked it up and made a face, asking what was on it.

I was honest. It was blood. The only thing I had that would give the lips that red smile. He looked up and froze. I just smiled wider. I don’t think he believed that I was really the woman in the picture. Oh, well. Always have to make me do everything the hard way.

I grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled him closer to me. I told him that I really just needed the money and he should be a good little boy and get it for me. To emphasize my point, I took out an ice pick and slammed it through his hand that was reaching for the panic button. GET IT!!! MY POINT!!! HA! He sure got it.

I reached down and pulled the wires off the button. I pulled out my gun and pushed it into his mouth as he was still screaming. I told him again that I needed the money, all of it, and I wouldn’t be very patient. I think he understood.

While he was packing up the money, I went over to get a slushy. They had grape and cola. I asked him if they had cherry and he said that they wouldn’t stock it until Spring. Darnit!!! What kind of a convenience store was this! So, I turned and shot him in the forehead. Well, it wasn’t exactly a bullet, but the cork hit him in the forehead and he wet himself. That was a good boy.

I got a grape slushy, a couple of clowny cakes, oh, and some bubble gum for Harley, and dropped it in the bag with the money. I put a five on the counter from the old woman’s wallet. He looked at me kind of funny when he saw it. Well, it was more like questioning fear, but you get the idea. He asked me wha… wha… wha… what’s this for? I told him that I didn’t want to steal food; that would just be wrong and also dropped a set of chattering teeth on top of the money.

On my way out, I let took a customer survey form. I was definitely going to suggest they stock cherry regularly. I mean, what kind of convenience store doesn’t stock cherry slushy! It’s just unheard of! Then again, once those teeth stopped chattering, it wouldn’t have been a convenience store anymore. HA! I was two blocks away when they went off.

I got back to the Funland and gave Harley the gum. She thanked me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. She was rewatching the cartoon. She said something about a homeless guy that wandered into the house of mirrors. She sent three goons out to clean it up a little and only Doug came back, and he was missing a finger. I watched the video of them trying to clean it and got a good laugh.

That’s all for tonight,

J

P.S.: Make sure to replace Doug’s hairspray with the mace. Should be good for a laugh or three!

 

Crack!

 

I'm loving this. So twisted

 

7 February, 2013

Dear Diary,

I had a wonderful idea this morning and couldn’t wait to tell someone. Unfortunately, when I told one of my boys, he told me that it probably wouldn’t work… so I shot him in the face. The others seemed to think it was worth a try after that!

But, what if he were right? What if… um, I can’t remember his name, so I’ll just call him Bloody Mess… were right? I could be making a HUGE mistake. I mean, it might work. I think it will work… Oh, I hate doubts. So, I shot another of them and left to go find some expert advice.

I knew that my grand plan would have to wait. It was just too soon to begin doing anything big. I just know that bats would spoil all my fun. He wouldn’t even get the joke. But, I have a reputation to keep! So, I got in the car and drove down to the local fresh produce market. They should have just started setting up.

You know, I have to hand it to Harley. She did a good job getting all the blood off of the hood of the car. She even hung a little air freshener from the rear view. It looked like a pine tree, but didn’t smell like any pine tree I’ve ever sniffed. Then again, I don’t typically go around sniffing pine trees… well, not typically.

I got to the market in time to see all the vendors setting up their little wooden stalls. I spotted the man I was looking for. He was carrying a bouquet of roses over to a table. A little chloroform and he went fast to sleep.

NOTE TO SELF: Lure victim to the car before chloroform.

He woke up back at the Funland. I had him strapped in one of the roller coaster seats. Everyone loves roller coasters, right? But, apparently he wasn’t a fan. He was crying, pleading, begging, yada, yada, yada. You know, sometimes I actually get tired of all that. Especially when I have a great plan!

After the introductions were out of the way, and a couple of his fingernails, we got down to business. I found out that his flower supplies were from the Gotham Botanical Gardens. All of the flower sellers do. He then said that he had a wife and kids. Good. I’ll need some test subjects if I want this to work. I started the coaster and went to get my boys together. I heard him screaming on the coaster. Well, until the splash. But, that was part of the ride!

I told Robert to take some boys down and pick up the flowerman’s wife and kids while I whipped up an omelet. Well, not exactly an omelet. I used a good amount of pheromone to really set the mood, a little THC and a lot of Extacy to drop the inhibitions, and a time released version of my normal toxin to make it funny. I specifically put in a testosterone and estrogen lock into the chemical compound, that way it would only become effective if both were present. I wouldn’t want it to go off early! I then made it completely aerosol and sprayed down some flowers with it.

Well, the Robert got back with only the wife. Apparently the kids were at school. But, that’s okay. I guess it would take two people to test this and make sure it worked out right. So, I told him to give her a flower that I sprayed down with my toxin.

Oh, boy! Did it ever work. Within fifteen minutes they were both down and dirty on the floor of the holding room in the house of mirrors. Apparently, this stuff was better than I thought. The boys were enjoying the show. High morale is always good in our line of work. After half an hour, the giggles began in both of them. Five minutes later and they stopped laughing, still in the middle of things. Well, I know some people say they would want to either go out laughing or go out having sex! Now, they can do both! HA!

With the testing successful, I have to find a way to douse the flowers in the Botanical Gardens without springing the joke too early or alerting any of those masked do-gooders in the city. None of them get my jokes. But, that’s beside the point. Should I have my boys break in the night before? No, the alarm would draw the cops or bats. Not to mention, spraying the plants might upset Ivy and she is still pissed at me for that whole Arkham thing.

That’s when Harley suggested I just add the spray to the trucks’ air conditioning units. I told her to shut up and shoved her away. I had a better idea. I would add the spray to the trucks’ air conditioning units! That would be perfect! And, we could spend the next few days doing it so as not to alert the cops or the capes!

But, for that, I would need some parts that I don’t think I have at the moment. I wrote up a shopping list and sent Harley and the boys out for. Some of the parts wouldn’t be at the local Tech Shack, so I went onto my old friend ebunk. The one stop shopping for whatever you need to find when you need it now.

I found a lot of remote control units, thirty, for just $10 with only three hours left! Looks like this bid would be won by my ebunk alter-ego Prankster! With just fifteen seconds left, though, I got sniped by someone named ‘riddlemethat.’ NO! I refuse to lose to the likes of a man (but this is the internet, so it could also be a woman, small child, or federal agent) without the dignity to even use capital letters in his name.

I put in a bid for $100 with just three seconds remaining. And I won. HA! Who’s the winner? ME! But… the lot will cost me $75.61. Really? Who the heck bids $75.60 for something like this? But, with overnight delivery, I guess I can’t complain too much.

Harley showed up with all the parts I needed, and I got to work building the sprayers. The way I see it, once I activate them, they will give a good dose of the spray every time the door is closed on the back of the truck. That is, once I hit the switch on the radio control units. That should give a nice even disbursal throughout the day onto each of the batches of flowers for Valentine’s Day.

With thirty units, I can have the boys install five every night and not draw too much attention to what they are doing. That will keep any flying rodents away for this joke to really hit home. And when it does, it will be hilarious! Though, it still won’t be as funny as what I am planning for the end of the year. But, I’ll be doing more panning on that after Valentine’s Day.

That’s all for tonight,

J

P.S.: Remind me to pick up some flowers for Harley on the 13th.

 

Man, he's evil! I wonder if the Riddler is going to come into this at all.

 

I am actually planning to give a nod to most of the major villains (and some of the heroes) in the Gotham area. This may or may not be the last you hear of the infamous Edward Nigma!

Thank you. The Joker may be completely psychotic, but he is also smart... as in really smart. He just has an odd way of showing it.

 

19 February, 2013

Dear Diary,

Valentine’s Day sure was exciting. Sure, Bat’s showed up with Boy Blunder and busted a bunch of my boys as they were working on the last set of vans. I didn’t mind. The joke was on him. Because when the 14th hit, so did the joke! I didn’t know until later that one of those vans headed to Gotham High School 17. I bet those students got the Sex Ed class of the century! HA!

The rest of the city was having one heck of a Valentine’s Day, too. GNN says that the death toll was up near 300. That made my little heart glad. And, for the pinnacle of the evening, Harley surprised me with that little nurses outfit she wore at Arkham. What a night.

However, now I am having issues. I only have two henchmen left. I don’t even know where I can get more. The cops are out in force around Arkham. And someone keeps on spamming my webpage with a pink bat symbol. Really? A hacker targeting me? This sucks… especially when all I want to do is have a little fun.

So, I got some cash together and decided to order a couple of pizzas. One of the henchmen told me that he didn’t like pineapple on his pizza, though. Sigh. So, I have one henchman who is going to have a rather big appetite after disposing of the body. He said he had no problem with pineapple. Then I let him know that I got a Hawaiian and a peperoni. Oops. My bad. lol

I still had to find a new group of henchmen. Where could I find them? Without henchmen, my little joke on the city wouldn’t happen. This was no good. I couldn’t even afford good pizza! So, that means I have to find henchmen and then I have to rob a bank. Great. If it’s not one problem it’s another.

The pizza showed up and I stopped Harley from picking it up. She’d probably forget to tip the guy and that just makes for a bad delivery time. I still had a question on my mind when I opened the door. He told me the cost was seventeen something. I handed him a twenty and took the pizzas. So, since I didn’t have an answer, I decided to ask him where I could find a good group of henchmen.

He finally looked up and took a couple of steps back while sputtering something incoherent. I asked him again and his eyes just went wider. What, did I have a spot on my jacket or something? Oh, yeah. I still had the blood from where I stabbed the other guy. But, that didn’t mean he had to be rude. He turned and ran back to his car, getting in and speeding away. He forgot my change! Well, I wanted to tip him anyway, I guess.

I gave Harley and my goon the pizzas and tore into my pineapple one. That guy was right, though. The Narrows were the best place. So, I told Harley to grab a couple of slices and go pick up some henchmen. She complained that it was late and a girl ought not to be walking around that part of town at night, it might not be safe. I told her it would be safer than staying here. So, she picked up a gun and walked out the door.

J

P.S. I was writing up a milk carton post for her when she showed up with about twenty guys. She said it would have been twenty-one, but she had to shoot one for trying to touch something that only I could.

 

12 March, 2013

Dear Diary,

Why do I have to get sick? I am the clown prince of crime, the mastermind of everything &f#1h that befalls Gotham, yet I am struck down by a simple cold. A little bug that seems to crawl into my nose and *g&4fn@ u, 3G` crawled in my nose and begun torturing me. Every time I am about to say something funny, I sneeze and end |w /h&0ing something green on the person I am talking to, threatening, putting a knife in… It is not funny! I know how it happened, but it stills sucks.

MENTAL NOTE: Do not sneeze on a page and wipe it off. I think I’ll have Harley finish writing to save my diary.

So, we needed some money. My big year-ending joke won’t go over well if I am broke. And that would just be no good for Gotham City. <sniffle> Harley, you aren’t supposed to write down when I sniffle. <bull horn> Now, stop that. I was only blowing my nose. WOP! ßSee, I can write sound effects of what I do, too. (J)

So, anyway, where was I? Oh, right. We needed some money and I decided to hit an armored car. I made sure that at least one of my new boys knew how to use an arc welder (I hate having to do everything by myself). I decided that the best place to hit one of them would be near the Wayne Banking and Loan. Why would a rich guy like old Brucey need loans?

I had one of my guys watch the building for a couple of nights and he told me that the car shows up between one and two in the morning. I know they aren’t supposed to have a set schedule, but without people like me, Gotham gets too boring and hum-drum. (Don’t forget people like me too! H)

Hold on, Harley-hun. Maybe a shower will help clear my head a little. No, you don’t move from that chair. I’ll be back in a few minutes.

<3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3 | H+J | <3

There, I feel better. ((ewww… Mister J just sneezed on me))

So, we got to the back of the bank at about midnight and made sure to turn the cars off. No need wasting gas when we already had a tight budget. Especially in this economy. Harley curled up on the front seat and laid her head on my lap. She was so cute. I just had to draw on her face.

Okay, I’m writing this again since she is washing her face. It’ll take more than just a little scrubbing to get the sharpee off! lol

Anyway, one of the guys farted, or maybe it was me, but we opened all the windows. I think that’s where I got this cold from. And, we waited for the armored car to show up. It got there about three. Geeze, how can Mister Freeze stand the cold so much?

So, I hopped out of the car. I remember it was a little harder than normal since Harley seemed to get her head wedged between my leg and the wheel. I hate adjusting my steering wheel, because you can never get it back to the same position it was at before. So, I just jerked her head off of my lap by one of her pigtails.

I guess the two guards who were outside the truck doing the delivery weren’t expecting me. I say that because one screamed like a girl when she saw me. Well, I feel a little bad. She ended up being a girl. Hey, in my defense, those armored vests really hide any semblance of a shape and it was dark!

I love my Mister J’s jokes. It’s me writing again Mister J’s Diary!!!

Right. If it weren’t for that white paint on your cheek, dear, I’d say you were all red and raw. Next time, I’ll bring a tattoo pen, that would be funny! haha-haha-cough-cough-cough. Now stop that! grumble-grumble-something about a mallet-grumble

Where was I? Oh, right. sneeze. So, I put my arm around her shoulder and told her that I was only there for the money and didn’t want to hurt her or her friend. That’s when Harley smashed her head in with her mallet. I remember because suddenly, her head was replaced with a mallet. (in my defense, I was jealous)

Well, that started her friend yelling and fumbling for his gun. I couldn’t have any bullets alerting any of the costumed do-gooders, so I shot him in the face with the only quiet weapon I could think of… a spear gun! He fell over and I had my goons start piling the money from the armored car into the trunks of the two cars we brought. Meanwile, I apologized to the young lady who Harley killed. And by apologize, I mean I went through her pockets. Nothing. They just don’t pay armored car guards enough for the risks they take in their jobs.

That’s when I was alerted to the presence of something that wasn’t quite right. My Joker senses began tingling! Okay, it was actually the crossbow bolt that suddenly protruded from the chest of one of my boys as they were climbing down from the armored car with the last bag of money. That could only mean Huntress. The hero who probably killed more people than Harley, here. (not true, I don’t think)

I grabbed another one of my boys for some buddy armor as she shot again. He graciously let me take the gun out of his waistband as he fell down, coughing blood all over my good suit. Thank goodness the Korean dry cleaners down the street don’t ask questions. But, I popped off all seven rounds in the magazine. Really? I mean who only loads their magazine with only seven rounds? This isn’t Metropolis!

Well, she dodged all of them and jumped down. I pushed… what was his name? Well, I’ll call him doornail. I pushed doornail at her, but she kicked him right back at me. Doornail was heavy! I should have called him Tiny. That would have been funnier! haha-cough-cough-continuing coughing spell.

(while Mister J was wrestling with Randall’s body, I started fighting with Huntress. I mean, I couldn’t let anybody go and try hurting my honey)

I finally got Doornail off of me and saw that psycho punch the criminal in the face. Are you confused yet? Good, so am I. Who was I calling a psycho and who was I calling a criminal? Well, it ended up with three more of my boys running up and attacking Huntress as Harley and I jumped in the cars and drove away.

We got back to the Funland and I counted. I only had four thugs left. Sigh. So much for Harley’s little recruiting venture. I opened to trunk to pull out and count the cash. Make that five guys left.

We got away with $274,112.77. Unfortunately, most of the money was in sequential order, but it was crisp and clean. I had the boys play cards with it and shuffle it all together. But, I told then that I would count it again. If I found even one of the two pennies missing, I’d shoot one in the head, one in the knee, one in the stomach, and one in the groin. The other, I’d give to Harley. They all started working really hard. sneeze

We still needed a little more for the plan to be fully implemented. The joy about this joke is that I’ll need to actually look legal for a bit of it! That just makes it even more funny!

Harley, could you be a sweet angel and go to the drug store for me. I need some flonaise, some vicks, and, oh, could you pick me up those little chicken tenders with the barbeque sauce? I’m sick!

Wow… she isn’t that bad with the dictation.

Ta-ta for now,

J

P.S.: Who the heck can’t spell MEANWHILE? Really, Harley? It’s called Hooked On Phonics and it worked for me in the juvenile halls I was confined to in my youth!

 

26 March, 2013

Dear Diary,

Not much happening today. I’m still short of the money I need for my big joke. So, I decided to do the smart thing and just take out a loan from the bank. And by loan, I mean steal it. That’s like a loan, right? Just with a better interest rate!

We got to the bank and I had one of the boys go to the roof to disable the security system. I knew it wouldn’t be calling the police or anything as it was one of Capelli’s banks. However, that also meant that Bats wouldn’t be showing up to it any time soon. When I saw the signal, I just walked right in the front door.

The only person in the bank this late at night was the night guard. It was some guy in a tan uniform with a fake badge, no neck, and just about as much of an I.Q. His first words were something along the lines of who was I and what was I doing there. His second words were more along the lines of “my eyes, my eyes, you put out my eyes.” I guess it might have had to do with the fact that I gave him the good old Three Stooges eyeball poink! Hey, it was his fault for not blocking it! He didn’t say much more because I shot him in the face after that.

My boys started working on the safe as Harley and I redecorated the bank a little. The one thing that really stood out to me was the lack of any form of incendiary explosives. So, we quickly remedied that. Also, the fake plants were just atrocious. However, they made a really nice wicker (kind of) hut in the middle of the room. I set a well-crafted joke card on a small table in the middle of the hut and put a laser right under it. The moment the person picked up the card, they’d get the joke… and about three seconds later they’d get warm!

My boys finally got the safe open and we all began to load up bags with money. Oh, and by we all, I mean them. I did my best to not fall out of an office chair as I spun around really fast. That’s when I saw something up on the wall that was blacker than it should be. The quick outline was hips, boobs, and pointy ears. I stopped spinning and immediately fell to the floor. Dizzy is fun sometimes.

I stood up rather shakily and looked back. It hadn’t moved, but it also wasn’t bat-like. Just the opposite. It was Bats’ on again/off again girlfriend. She dropped to the floor and asked what I was doing. I told her that I asked first (a lie, but I didn’t think she was going to call my bluff). Unfortunately, she called my bluff and told me that she was the one to ask first.

Just then, one of my boys ran up behind her and grabbed her from behind. I do love that my boys can be spontaneous and all, but they are lousy judges of fighting prowess. She did this strange kick thing right up over her shoulder and caught him in the face. I wonder if Harley is that flexible? Then she leaned forward and kicked him in the back of the head by spinning her leg all the way around to the other side. And in that outfit! Meow indeed. A crack of her whip and my boys kept their distance.

So, I demanded again what she was doing at the bank and she told me she was jewelry shopping. Bah. I didn’t need any of that stuff. I told her she could have the jewels and I’d just take the cash. I told Harley to look after her and make sure she didn’t cause any more trouble. They were both wary of each other for a while as the remaining boys and I loaded the back of the cars with the money.

When I went back to the safe, they were both giggling over some piece of something or another and trying on rings. Really, Harley? Like you need more toys for your room. I kindly informed them that I was about to depart. Okay, it was more like “Harley, it’s time to go.” Cats hissed at me. I guess you can sneak up on a cat sometimes. But, it was late, I was tired and had a sore back, and didn’t really want to leave her smoldering corpse on the floor.

Harley bid her goodbye as I walked out of the vault with my hand around her wrist. She had a new bracelet that was far too shiny. We got in the car and I noticed a pair of ruby earrings that actually looked smashing on her and a new necklace that didn’t. Sigh, just what we need. More sparkly junk for her to decorate her teddy bears with when she gets bored with it.

That’s about it, but I’m down to only four goons now. Guess I’ll have to send Harley back to pick up some new ones.

J

P.S.: I wonder if it is too much to ask that the cat get curious about the little wicker hut and note?

 

23 April 2013

What a month. Really and seriously. Here I was getting ready to enjoy a much needed day off (I always take April Fool’s day off, because it is too cliché). When I get a Bat kicking down my door and beating up my goons. ON THE ONE DAY I AN OFF!!!

After thirty minutes, he had knocked most of my boys into unconsciousness and had turned on Harley and me. Well, I wasn’t going to stand for it and told Harley to politely ask him to leave. She did, but he moved faster than she could aim the 12-gauge. She ended up wrapped up in bat cable and fell on her butt with the cutest little whimper.

He demanded that I tell him where the bombs were. I was already to be flippant and funny, as I usually am, when my mind finally latched onto what he was saying. Bombs? I haven’t used any bombs for a couple of months. I told him as much and I don’t think he believed me. I say that mostly because he punched me in the face and slammed me against the wall with his hand around my throat.

I told him that I didn’t have any bombs and even told him scouts honor. He stopped and I could hear a gentle buzzing coming from his cowl. Not to mention I could tell that he had recently been drinking coffee… yes, he was that close.

He let me go and turned to walk outside. Just before he left, he told me that he’d be keeping an eye on me. I told him to use a good fabric glue otherwise it might fall off, but he was already gone.

I was really curious as I went to cut Harley out of the wire. Who the heck would do something as funny as use a bomb and how would Bats assume it was me? I used the big scissors to cut the cord holding her and ended up also cutting through her clothes and a little skin. She really needed to tan a little.

Well, I decided to do some checking on my own and sent my goons out to kidnap a cop. They did, and Officer Martinez was really willing to give me all the information I asked him for. The fact that I had him tied down in the funhouse was beside the point.

He told me that they thought it was me because of the package they were mailed. It told them there were bombs all around the city and if they didn’t pay, the bombs would blow up. It was signed by someone named Prankster and had a smiling face.

Trickster? Really? They thought I would ever use a name as made-up and contrived as that? They called Batman and he said he would look into it, but he said it wasn’t me. Of course it wasn’t. I told him that I would let him go on one condition. He keep me in the loop. As a bit of insurance, I told him that I would have someone watching his pretty little wife and if he held anything back, I’d make sure my boys paid her a little visit.

Well, a week went by and I got more bad news. Boy blunder, Bat chick, and even Nightwing showed up at my place all asking for answers. Where was the kidnapped opera singer, why did I blow up the subway car, why wasn’t I hiding after committing the crimes. To tell the truth, it was all rather tiring. I mean, I love a good joke, but these weren’t even jokes. They were simply hum-dum crimes that were being pulled off by some guy who called himself Prankster.

So, I finally got fed up and called good old Doc Crane. If anyone knew the mind of a psychopath, it was a psychopath who studied psychopaths. He told me a bunch of psychobabble that Harley had to translate to tell me that he wasn’t hugged enough as a child. He was a bunch of help, but he did add that the guy fashioned himself as a super criminal, but his stuff wasn’t even close to gaining that level among police circles.

I put out into the community that I wanted to talk to this Prankster, which was the truth. And it was only a week before he finally got back to me. He said I could meet him in the old Circus grounds. Talk about cliché…

I did, making sure to take Harley and a couple of goons. I dressed in my best purple suit, making sure my shoes were shined. I mean, I had an image to keep. We drove down to the circus and I actually tried to avoid the pot holes as Harley put on her makeup. Again, it was the image thing, even though I was biting my lip with how funny it would be.

Got into the circus and there he was, standing center ring with a woman next to him. And… OH MY GOD!!! He looked like someone mixed a birthday party clown with a pedophile! You know, I like tights as much as the next man, but not on men! His costume was so gaudy that it made me look normal, and that’s saying something. For a fleeting second, I wanted to give up and just turn myself in at the Arkham Asylum gates.

Each sleeve and pantleg didn’t match, his shirt was different as was his underoos (which he wore over his tights). His shoes were a joke, even to me. His hair looked like someone threw the Spice Girls into a blender and pulled out whatever floated on top. And he was wearing a strange little mask like some stereotype. Oh, and there was a cape. Really? Who wears cape in this day and age that is not fighting crime in some way?

The woman next to him was dressed similarly, but her neckline was easier to look at. Though, her hair screamed 1980s and she hung on him like Harley did on me.

We exchanged pleasantries and he shot one of my goons with a shotgun that seemed to melt him. Okay, that was cool at least. He introduced himself and his girl, Prank, and said it was a pleasure to meet me. It’s funny because Harley and Prank were both looking at us rather strangely.

I finally broke out and asked what they were both staring at. That’s when Harley told me that we both looked and sounded alike. That was utter nonsense. I looked nothing like that wannabe from an 80s superhero drama. And, as for my sounding like him… well, even I had to admit that his voice did have something rather familiar in it. But, that was beside the point.

We both sat down and actually discussed things like rational adults while the girls seemed to have their own discussions. I let him know that he was horning in on my turf and that there were costumed vigilantes here that didn’t take to kindly to that (not to mention me).

He told me that he faced the same thing where he was from and his was a freak that could run. Well, I told him that Bats could fly and seemed to be made of gadgets… and I didn’t spare any expense when it came to describing Huntress and her crossbow fixation.

In the end, he agreed to leave. Mostly because I told him about all the other members of our noble profession that also tended to not like newcomers. That, he listened to. Especially since I wasn’t the first person to approach him like this. Oswald Pengiepot was the first and Trickster said that he thought the heroes would treat him better… until he heard about Huntress.

In the end, he left and I went back to my little slice of terrordise. Though, I did hear Harley and the boys talking about what I would look like in that outfit. It took them three hours to walk home after I dropped them off on the side of the road.

J

 

Thank you. Just for general FYI, Trickster was the main villain in The Flash made for TV movie. And, guess who was the actor in the role...