Dear Hama... (bad advice columnist)

Having problems at work? With finances? With your love life? With your lasagna recipe?

Why get advice from some quack with a Ph.D. when you can find someone who got a C+ in Psych 101? I'll solve all your problems for the low, low price of FREE. Though I wouldn't say "no" to some homemade blueberry muffins...

Post all your troubles here, and I'll solve them with my usual bad advice.

Obligatory disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only. Actually following my advice may get you banned, arrested, sued, maimed, killed, slapped repeatedly with a really heavy purse by an old lady, mocked with laughter by your peers, or any combination of the above. And it's your own fault.

EDIT: See Rev's thread for the time being. I may revive this if he gets bored.

 

My sugar gliders hate me.

 

Dear Hama,

I find myself strangely attracted to my TV remote control. Help me bad advice columnist Hama. You're my only hope!

 

Ah...a blast from the past.

*gets out some popcorn*

 

Dear Hama,

I've read your column for years now and have decided to offer you a book deal. How do you feel about slave labor and forced sequels?

- Manipulative and Devious

 

Dear Hama,

I miss C3, how do I go back?

 

Dear Hama,

I've fallen desperately in love with this guy. Let's call him Johnny Depp. I love him deeply, but he doesn't know I exist. What should I do?

 

Dear Hama,

I have repeatedly invited a certain poster on this board to bear my children - let's call her Destiny for the time being. But for some reason, I don't think she's too keen on it. What can I do?

 

Dear Hama,

I stubbled my way onto the JC three years ago. Now, I know too much about these users who pretend to be real people. I'm in desperate need of your help. How do I take control of my life, and get out of this place?

-Confused

 

Dear Hama,

I am sleeping with my boss's wife. But he likes my work so much he wants to give me a raise and a promotion?

Should I take the promotion or look for a new job?

 

Surely it cannot take this long to dispense bad advice.

 

Seeing as how you are slacking here, I know why you got a C+

 

Dear Hama,

I have a problem. Please help.

~ SquiSh

 

Dear Hama,

I broke my arm in two places. What should I do?
- Mastadge

 

Dear Zas,

They're just cranky because their Easter candy stockpile has dwindled to two Cadbury Creme Eggs and a stale Peep. Without sugar, their "gliding" is more of a "slow descent." So they get a little cranky. They need sugar. Maybe some caffeine, too. Stop by a Target and get some candy. And get me a Toblerone.

-Hama

---

Dear DarthConnoisseur,

It's an evil mind control device. You must seek out and remove the source of its evil power! It usually takes two AA batteries.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,

I've missed you. Is this like Dear Abby, where you're gonna change your picture because Hama was your mom and she died and now you're taking over and you'll start giving good advice?

Curious in Albuquerque

 

Dear Hama,

I want to move out but I feel obligated to stay at home because my mom relys so much on me. What do I do?

 

Dear Hama,

How do I get laid?


- Billy

 

Dear Hama,

I broke someones arm (in two places). What should I do?

block

 

Dashy I can answer that one.

Put on a cowboy hat and get yourself a Texas accent, boy.

Cause you will be moving to Texas to see Fate.



sweet I dont have to change my answer for you Dashy.

although you might get it a bit sooner if you make a booty call.

 

Dear Hama:

So this is what you've been doing since Hasbro© fired you?

 

Dear Maniplative and Devious,

Slave labor is wonderful. I've been using them for years to write this column. Sometimes they're speling and grammer is a little off, but they're cheap enough.

-Hama

---

Dear Fate,

Get yourself a flux capacitor (they have some on EBay) and hook it up to your car's CD player. Drive 88 MPH to Indy. Just watch out for lightning.

-Hama

 

Flux capacitor! Why didn't I think of that?

 

Dear Hama,

I am in love with you. I want a piece of you. I am sorry for stalking you, but I could not deny my eyes the joy of seeing you!



-Helpless for Hama

 

Dear Esperanza_Nueva,

Find this "Johnny Depp" person and run out in front of his car. After you regain consciousness in the hospital, tell him you won't report the accident to his insurance company in exchange for an engagement ring.

-Hama

---

Dear Suzuki_Akira,

You must offer her a worse alternative. Tell "Destiny" that if she doesn't bear your children, she may wake up someday and realize the only eligible bachelor left in the JCC is FamousAmos. She'll realize the error of her ways.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Darth-Seldon,

Don't be too hard on users who pretend to be real people. I'm sure some of them are just misunderstood individuals with a large collection of flannel shirts in their closets. To change the life control settings on the boards, click Alt+F4.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear beezel26,

Look for a new job. I'll work at your old job for you. Introduce me to your boss and his wife before you quit.

-Hama