Arena [Game] The First College Football Draft

Coruscant Vaders

Same Line-up

Playbook-West Coast

 

Welcome back to Fake College Gameday!



We're coming to you live, from Gainesville, Florida!

(Camera pans to crowd. Washington State Flag shown. "Jameis Winston Stole my Lunch" sign shown. Student dressed like Winston, with another student dressed like a cop arresting him shown. Sign reading "FREE SHOES UNIVERSITY" shown. Sign reading "Mark May Can't Read" shown. "Noles Are Out Of Luck" sign shown. Person dressed like the Hamburglar shown, he's holding a sign that reads "Future Jameis Winston" with an arrow pointing down at himself.)

As normal, we're going to skip all the boring crap you hate, and get right to the segments you watch, and the people you hate. First up, Mark May, and another edition of his segment "Class is in Session"



"Listen up, because class is in session. And Mark May is here to educate you.

Heartbreak. It's a lesson we've all learned.

Some of us in Junior high, when the pretty girl won't let you dance with her. Some of us in 8th grade, when we get sent to the principal's office for wetting our pants.

No matter who you are, you've dealt with it.

So, twice now, Princes of the Universe have had to deal with heartbreak. The overtime loss in their opener, and then that gut punch last week when they rallied just to fall short.

The key here is to learn how to stop having heartbreak. You've got to learn to win these close games. Just like I had to learn that it wasn't normal to have mom keep a pair of pants in the principal's office for me to change into, and eventually I got past it, this team has to grow up. They need some leadership.

But, I look at that team. And they are soft. As soft as the Buckeyes playing an SEC team in January.

And that means, there on the road for more heartbreak. And possibly more soggy pants.

For now ... class dismissed!"

And now, a new segment for you to hate ... One-on-One with Desmond.



Desmond. Today, we're going one-on-one with the coach of the Scarlet and Grey Sloopies, Urban Meyer. Coach, thanks for joining me.

Urban: Glad to be here. Wish they'd gotten me a better host for the interview.

Desmond: Coach, last week, you obliterated a very good Miami team. What was the key to that?

Urban: We wanted it more. Our team is focused. Everyone has someone else's back. These guys are playing for each other, and playing for something bigger than themselves.

Desmond: Coach, you've routed three teams so far that a lot of people thought you'd struggle with. Do the haters motivate you?

Urban: No. You'd have to be an idiot to need doubters to motivate you. These guys are motivated because they play in a great stadium, in a fantastic city, in the best state in the country. A concept that much be foreign to you.

Desmond: Can you help me spell cat?

Urban: No. How did you ever become eliigible to play football?

Desmond: This week, you've got Michigan

Urban: I need to cut you off, because this is a family program, and you shouldn't use that kind of profanity.

Desmond: Understood. Michigan is ...

Urban: Desmond, please. Watch the language. I won't tolerate it.

Desmond: Got it. Michigan

Urban: Damn, it Desmond! You're a moron, and that whole state up north is terrible. It was born in my blood to hate them. The Sloopies are on the warpath this week, and we're going to hang 100 on them. You're going to give me a heart attack with your stupidity, and just for that, we're going to go for two when we're up 100, but only because we can't go for three!

<urban walks off the set>

Desmond: hmm ... I think it starts with a k ...

<awkward silence on the set>

And now, let's get to the picks. Joining us today is a man with quite the resume. He's been a male stripper. He's been a limo driver. He's been the president of a high profile company. And, he's of course, a fantastic illusionist. Please welcome ... G.O.B. Bluth!



Kirk: Coach, maybe you need to get one of those to move around on!
Lee: Not so fast, my friend. I don't need them to call me the sunshine scooter again!

Let's get our predictions started in North Dakota, where Tebow's Holy Rollers have been a little inconsistent. They looked great in the opener against Alabama, and then flat against Alabama, before doing well against Florida State. WIll they find the magic tricks they need against the Buckeyes?

G.O.B.: No, because a trick is something a whore does for money ... or cocaine. The Buckeyes win this one.
Lee: I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but I like your pick. Buckeyes have too much on offense.
Kirk: No, I think Tebow's going to pull out this one. It'll be close, but I like the Holy Rollers at home.

Get on Board the Sexy Boat seem to have rebounded from a bad opener. Should we believe they are legit? They get another chance to prove it against 2014 Oregon.

Kirk: Yes, believe it. This team is for real. They have so many weapons in the passing game, they can get into a shootout against Oregon and hang with them.
Lee: Good pick. This is a high scoring, close game, but I think the Sexy Boat pulls into shore with a win.
G.O.B.: Of course you can believe their legit. For the same reason that you should believe that a $100 bill is no more than 100 pennies!

How about the Coruscant Vaders, who step up a bit in difficulty and welcome in Sparty, the Big Ten and Rose Bowl Champs?

Lee: Ha! This is a great test for the Vaders. Right before conference play, they get a smart, well coached team. But, nah, the Vaders have too much firepower.
G.O.B.: I'm picking Michigan State. Oh, wait ... I have made a huge mistake.
Kirk: This Michigan State team upset both Ohio State and Standford. I think they have enough. GOB, you should trust your instincts.

IHRNHW have looked impressive. They take on a Miami team chocked full of talent. Can they continue to look impressive?

Kirk: Absolutely. No reason to think this offense will slow down any time soon.
Lee: Agreed. Pow! They've got too much firepower.
G.O.B.: I have a message for I Have No Responsibility Here Whatsoever. You will win this game, but I swear ... if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I’ll take off my pants, I’ll shave my (bleep), and I’ll personally (really lonnnnnnng bleep).
Legends of Tommorrow are coming off a big, emotional win over Johnny Football and Texas A&M. Do they suffer a setback against the Buckeyes?

G.O.B.: Right. And I'm going to spill coffee on this Three Thousand Dollar Suit? No setbacks!
Kirk: I agree with you. This team looks focused. No reason to expect a set back here.
Lee: That makes three!
Desmond: And the number that comes after three!

The Awful Velocipedestriennes travel to Alabama. They looked like the best team for most of hte non-conference portion. Do they have a reason to fear?

G.O.B.: Yeah, they have a reason to fear. Just like I have a reason to hold the elevator in my Four Thousand Dollar Suit! for a guy who doesn't make that in four months. COME ON! No reason to fear.
Lee: I think they have a little reason to fear. They'll win, but this one is closer than the experts think.
Kirk: Nah. The Velocipedestriennes win this one comfortably and go into conference season ranked number one.

2004 Auburn heads to the pacific northwest, where the Rubber Duck Quackers await. Will the Quackers continue to do so well, or will they struggle against better competition?

Lee: No chance. Auburn's good, but these Quackers are better.
Kirk: I agree with coach. Nothing I've seen so far tells me this Auburn team - which is not a dominant team in any means - can challenge the Quackers.
G.O.B.: The Quackers will be challenged ... just like I'm going to take a whiz through my FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT. Come on!

Johnny Football gets another crack at these teams, as 2012 Texas A&M travels to Oklahoma to take on FFFU. GOB, what are your thoughts on FFFU?

G.O.B.: I wish I'd gone to FFFU. They would have kept me from my greatest regret. Being a failure because I can't even fake the death of a stripper. So, yeah, I'm picking them to win.
Lee: I don't get your logic, but I like your pick. Good pick. They're gonna take the air out of Johnny Football, kinda like Tom Brady would!
Kirk: Coach, leave the jokes to the magician.
G.O.B.: Illusionist
Kirk: Right. Still, good pick. No reason to change my mind on FFFU. They've looked great so far.

The Scarlet and Grey Sloopies are coming off a route and travel to Michigan.

G.O.B.: This game reminds me of Graft-Vs-Host. When you hear about it, it sounds like a match up between tennis great Steffi Graf and "Happy Days" star Donny Host.
Lee: <dumbfounded look on his face, speechless>
Kirk: Um, were you going to make a pick?
G.O.B.: Oh, right. I'll take the disease - Michigan in an upset.
Lee: Not so fast my friend. have you watched the games. no one is slowing down these Sloopies. They win it, big.
Kirk: I'm not so sure. Ann Arbor is a tough place to play. I think it'll be close, and whatever team gets a big turnover is going to win. I'll side with GOB and take the Wolverines.
Lee: Kirk, you really do want the people of Columbus to hate you, don't you?

We turn our attention out west, where Ball So Hard U has a home/road game against 2004 USC.

G.O.B.: USC fans will get tears for souveniers this game. You'll hear them wailing after the game "You Taste These Tears! You Taste my Sad"
Lee: Ha! Good Pick! I like that Pick! Ballers, big time.
Kirk: I'm not so sure. This USC team is talented, deep, and focused. I think they win it at home.

Staying out west, where Princes of the Universe take on 2007 LSU.

Kirk: Keep in mind, not counting these games, LSU never lost a game in regulation. This is a talented team, and I think they can knock off the Princes, who will once again be heartbroken.
G.O.B.: I wish we were out at that game. I love Southern California. USC will be down 30 points by halftime, and If I couldn't find a horny immigrant by then ...
Lee: Whoa! Let me cut you off before Disney cuts us off! But good pick. I see a bounceback win for the Princes.

And now, the one these fans have been waiting for. Kirk, you will call the game, so you can't make a pick, but give us your key to the game.

Kirk: For Florida State, they've got to protect the ball. They are up against an offense that is simply too explosive to give them extra possessions and short fields to work with. For OBC, they've got to make sure they get seven and not three. Settling for field goals is not going to be good enough, and if hte game is close late, watch out: that's Jameis Winston time.

G.O.B.: Coach, in honor of my father, I've decided to take a page out of your book, and introduce a new element for this pick.



Franklin! I'm so glad you could join me!

Franklin: Shut up. I'd take a seat at the desk, but it's hard to take a seat when you got someone's hand in your ass.

G.O.B.: Franklin. I need your help.

Franklin: Of course you do.

G.O.B.: We have to get this pick right. And make all these people happy!

Franklin: Ain't gonna happen. Your white ass is going to jail.

G.O.B.: Franklin. You're letting me down in my hour of need. But, that's okay. I know the answer.

...

(dramatic pause)

(G.O.B. hums the first few bars of "The Final Countdown")

It's gonna be OBC winning this one! They've got the fireworks, and they'll have everyone wondering "Where did the lighter fluid come from"

Lee: Ha! Now that's a good show. A real good show.

I know a good way to whip this crowd into a frenzy of boos. I can do it really easy.

(Lee Starts to do the Tomahawk Chop, crowd boos on queue)

But tonight, ha! No need for the chop, and no need for boos!

Give me that gator!



The OBC is gonna take this one! No doubt about it!

 

Rubber Duck Quackers Lineup:

QB1: Marcus Mariota (2014) QB2: Russell Wilson, Wisconsin (2011) QB3: Phillip Rivers, North Carolina State (2003)

RB1: Melvin Gordon, Wisconsin (2014) RB2: Cadillac Williams, Auburn (2003) RB3: Marshawn Lynch, California (2006) RB4: Maurice Clarett (2002)

WR1: Santana Moss, Miami (FL) (2000) WR2: Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State (2008) WR3: Santonio Holmes, Ohio State (2005) WR4: Chad Owens, Hawaii (2004)

TE1: Travis Beckum, Wisconsin (2006) TE2: Ibn Green, Louisville (1998) TE3: Aaron Hernandez, Florida ( 2009)

D: Ohio State (2007) ST: North Carolina (2013) K: Roberto Aguayo, Florida State (2013) P: Travis Dorsch, Purdue (2001)

On Bench: RB: Monte Ball, Wisconsin (2011) RB: Bishop Sankey, Washington (2013) WR: Charles Rogers, Michigan State (2003) WR: RaShaun Woods Oklahoma State (2002)

Playbook: Balanced

 

Assuming today isn't completely insane at work, my plan is to get all 12 games simmed tonight so we can move on to conference play. If not tonight, it'll be Wednesday.

Planning on a Fake Andy Staples mailbag before Conference games start, so post your questions using the hashtag #AskFakeAndy

 

I'm on vacation as of tomorrow, so posting may be somewhat more sporadic.

 

qb: tebow, kaepernick, none
rb: bush, johnson, forte, none
wr: edwards, bailey, jackson, alexander
te: davis, keller, none

playbook: favor pass - because what the hell

 

Sorry folks, delayed again. Friggin work

 

Apologies on the delay. Still catching up from my flight being cancelled and losing a day to driving home.

 

Hire me as your travel coordinator.

 

Inty's being kind, the delay is that we're still raining TD's on *ichigan.

(oh god I hope I don't end up eating this post)

 

Week 4 - Thursday, September 24th

2014 Ohio State at Tebow's Holy Rollers
At Kick: 40 degrees, Medium Wind, Moderate Rain

In their final tune-up game, Tebow's Holy Rollers called Tim Tebow's number a lot. To the tune of 24 rushing attempts and 14-for-17 passing. He rewarded the faith by guiding his offense to 31 points against a very stingy defense, and leading them to a big win to give them confidence heading into conference play.

Tebow accounted for 200 total yards of offense, meaning he was nearly matched by Ezekiel Elliot's 199. However, Tebow three times found the endzone - twice via the air, once on the ground, while Elliot never found pay dirt. That was enough on a day when the Holy Roller Defense did just enough to limit chances for the Buckeyes - holding them to 5-for-17 on third downs, for instance - and spent the day harassing J.T. Barrett, who was sacked four times.

Final Score: Tebow's Holy Rollers 31, 2014 Ohio State 10
Play-by-Play
Box Score

 

Week 4 - Friday, September 25th

2014 Oregon at Get On Board the Sexy Boat
At Kick: 80 Degrees, no wind, No Rain

We expected high scoring a lot of fireworks in this one.

We just didn't expect the Ducks to run out of fireworks so early, or for the scoring to be so one-sided.

The teams combined for 34 points in the first quarter, and when Oregon scored to bring the score within 21-20 with 9:29 to play in the second quarter, it looked like we might have a classic shootout on our hands.

The Sexy Boat, however, put those thoughts to sea, as they got a field goal, a touchdown, and a safety in a span of just over 2 minutes to take a 13-point lead to the half.

Oregon scored to open the second half, but the Sexy Boat would shut them out the remainder of the quarter, while their drives went Touchdown, Touchdown, Touchdown. They'd continue to have their foot on the gas throughout the fourth quarter and pull away for a convincing, dominant win.

Jameis Winston lead the way with a spectacular outing. He completed 28 of 33 passes for 360 yards, tossing six touchdowns and zero interceptions. Freddie Barnes was his favorite target, hauling in 10 catches for 100 yards and two touchdowns, with Eddie Lacy providing the balance on the ground with 138 yards on just 10 carries.

On the night, the Sexy Boat offense racked up 570 yards and just flat out could not be stopped.

Final Score: Get On Board the Sexy Boat 74, 2014 Oregon 30
Play-by-Play
Box Score

 

i like the result, but have to admit that i'm a little baffled by what the "playbook" options are supposed to do. i was trying to use the non-conference period to figure that out, to try a few of the different styles and see which one clicked, but i leave it more utterly baffled than ever. this last game i picked "favor pass", so naturally i threw the ball 17 times and ran it 51.

 

Week 4 - Saturday, September 26th

2011 Ohio State at Legends of Tomorrow
At Kick: 70 Degrees, Moderate Wind, No Rain

The Legends of Tomorrow may have had one eye on November in this one, as they were beating down one Columbus-based team, while perhaps sending a message to the one they'll meet on November 28th.

2011 Ohio State took a 3-0 lead, but were never truly in this game. Not with Peyton Manning connecting on 29 passes (yes, on 50 attempts) for 474 yards. Not with Peyton Manning throwing 6 touchdowns and no interceptions. And not with Ron Dayne bulldozing over the Ohio State defense to the tune of 163 yards on 26 carries, and a back breaking touchdown just before the half.

Legends of Tomorrow put up 675 yards of offense, and held the Buckeyes to 2.9 yards per carry on the ground, while limiting Braxton Miller to just 8 completions, and picking him off once.

It takes a dominant performance for a pass-happy team to wrack up 35:59 in posession. Well, that's exactly what happened today.

Final Score: Legends of Tomorrow 65, 2011 Ohio State 10
Play-by-Play
Box Score

 

Week 4 - Saturday, September 26th

Scarlet and Grey Sloopies at 1997 Michigan
Forecast: 60 Degrees, Moderate Wind, no rain

"Coach, leading by 42 points with no time on the clock, why go for a long field goal?"

"Well," Urban Meyer responded, "because we were playing that team up north. I thought the field goal had a better probability than a Hail Mary, there was nothing worth 4 or 5 points I could opt for, and I wanted to score more points on those bastards"

And that response in his post game sideline interview from Coach Meyer, basically sums up this game.

The Sloopies came out a little sluggish, going 3-and-out on their opening possession. They made up for it, however, with a touchdown on five of their next seven possessions as they put Michigan in the rearview mirror quickly and turned their focus to conference play.

Cardale Jones stood out again for the Sloopies, with 24 completions on 35 attempts for 276 yards and 4 touchdowns. But, LaDanian Tomlinson shined a bit brighter on this day, carrying 16 times for 232 yards and 3 touchdowns, including a 60 yard touchdown in the fourth quarter, as the Sloopies decided to pour it on. Lead by Tomlinson, the Sloopies gained 8.4 yards per carry, while their defense held the Wolverines to just 2.2 yards per carry.

Final Score: Scarlet and Grey Sloopies 55, 1997 Michigan 10
Play-by-Play
Box Score

 

Yeah - that one confused the hell out of me, too. I have no idea why it would do that for "Favor Pass".

 

maybe it means "favor" like how you would favor a bad leg.

 

Or how heels1785 favors DC...

 

REVENGE COMPLETE

EAT **** OFF THE BENCH TOM


EDIT: Brady. I meant Tom Brady tom

 

OH YEAH GET ON BOARD THE SEXY BOAT IS ROLLING

 

Week 4 - Saturday, September 26th

2004 Auburn at Rubber Duck Quackers
At Kickoff: 60 Degrees, light wind, light rain

The Rubber Duck Quackers scored early and often, burying the Auburn Tigers to close out their non-conference schedule in emphatic fashion.

The Quackers needed only 8 plays to score on their opening drive. They would then go on to score on all but one of their first half possessions, carrying a 34-0 lead into the second quarter. The game at halftime, though, wasn't as close as even that lopsided score suggested.

The Quackers would push their lead to 48-0 in the third, before allowing a couple of garbage time scores in a fourth quarter that was nothing but garbage time.

Melvin Gordon was the star of the day for the Quackers, racking up 204 yards on 22 carries, and finding the endzone twice. Marcus Mariota had a good day as well, completing 23 of 30 for 266 yards and 3 touchdowns, offset by a single interception.

Cadillac WIlliams, however, had an interesting day. For the Quackers, he carried the ball 12 times for 106 yards and a touchdown. For the Tigers, it was 20 carries for 108 yards and a touchdown.

The ground-based Quack attack rolled to an average 6.7 yards per carry, and look like a fearsome offense for anyone to challenge when conference play kicks off.

Final Score: Rubber Duck Quackers 61, 2004 Auburn 14
Play-by-Play
Box Score

 

Week 4 - Saturday, September 26th

2013 Michigan State vs. Coruscant Vaders
At Kickoff: 75 Degrees, moderate wind, No Rain

This one was Cam Newton early, Cedric Benson late, and Michigan State never.

Newton threw three touchdown passes - all in the first half, as the Vaders built a 21-3 lead to take into halftime - and had just two incomplete passes all day.

Benson had two touchdowns in a 90 second span late in the game to turn it from dominance to blowout.

Michigan State? They were harassed by the Vaders' defense all day, punting 8 times, completing 40% of their passes, committing 10 penalties, and getting just 2.8 yards per carry.

Mark Ingram added 119 yards on the ground and a touchdown of his own, as the Vaders rolled to 224 yards on the ground, on better than 4 yards per carry.

Final Score: Coruscant Vaders 49, 2013 Michigan State 6
Play-by-Play
Box Score

 

Week 4 - Saturday, September 26th

2007 LSU at Princes of the Universe
Forecast: 75 Degrees, Light Wind, No rain

Princes of the Universe put just about the most emphatic cap that they could have on their non-conference season.

After a down, and then an up, and then another down, this one was a big, big up.

Vince Young threw for 427 yards and 2 touchdowns. Darren McFadden ran for 109 yards and 4 touchdowns on 21 carries. They controlled the ball for over 38 minutes. And, their second choice running back - DeAngelo Williams - had more yards (47) than their opponent did for their entire passing game (44).

The game kept going from bad to worse for the Tigers. They were down 14-0 after one quarter, and 31-0 at the half. it was 45-0 heading into the fourth, and the Princes scored two more touchdowns just for fun from there. The Tigers completed only six passes, were intercepted once, and managed just 3.1 yards per carry while being forced to punt ten times.

Final Score: Princes of the Universe 59, 2007 LSU 0
Play-by-Play
Box Score