Beyond - Legends I’m Blue [Crack!ship, Humour, Callista Han Leia Luke Mara Lando]

Title: I'm Blue
Author(s): UltramassiveUbersue
Timeframe: Beyond Legends, AU, shortly after CotJ
Characters: Han, Leia, Luke, Callista, Mara, Lando, Chewbacca
Genre: Humour
Keywords: humour, crack!fic, crack!ship, sleazy!Luke
Summary: Concern for Callista's well-being ignites a powerkeg of interpersonal conflict that threatens to tear Luke's Jedi Order apart.
Notes: This ridiculousness is a sequel to my entry for this year's Dear Diary Challenge, The Diary of Callista Masana, in which she is trapped and disembodied in the computer system of the Eye of Palpatine and faces such dangers as the head engineer's taste in music. Songs and romantic pairings are located under the spoiler tags because I think the surprise is part of the fun.

Spoiler: List of Romantic Pairings

Han/Leia
Mara/Lando
Luke/Mara (feelings are one-sided)
Luke/Callista
Han/Callista
Mara/Leia
Lando/Leia (feelings are one-sided)

Spoiler: Featured Songs

Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee) - YouTube
The HampsterDance Song - YouTube

Author's Note: While this is obviously pretty goofy, I welcome concrit and feedback.

---

Index:

Chapter 1: Vacation Time
Chapter 2: A New Look
Chapter 3: Blue (Da Ba Dee)

---

 

---

Chapter 1: Vacation Time

It is a beautiful, idyllic morning at the Jedi Praxium. Leia is lounging in the sun, enjoying her vacation time from the Senate, and Luke is nearby, sitting on the paving stones under a shade with his niece and nephews. Anakin is asleep, and Jaina and Jacen are colouring.

A speck appears in the sky and grows into a roaring ship.

"That's them," says Leia.

Jaina and Jacen squeal in delight. About ten minutes later, they hear familiar voices and go running towards the source.

"UncleLandoUncleLando!"

Lando's face lights up, and he crouches to their level. "So good to see you! Hi Jacen! Hi Jaina!"

Mara looks on, bemused.

Luke catches Mara's eye, and she smiles and shrugs. He feels his heart do a little flip, but he turns his attention back to Anakin, who is stirring from his sleep and getting cranky from all the noise. Luke boops the baby's tiny nose, and he falls asleep again.

With a huge smile, Leia calls out, "Mara!" and waves, rising from her lounge chair.

"Oh, don't get up," says Mara as she approaches. "Is that seat taken?"

"I reserved it just for you."

Mara flops down beside her, and helps herself to the small cooler between the chairs.

"Hey babe," Lando calls, "give me a minute and I'll make you a cocktail."

"Well okay, then!" Mara smiles, tucks her hands behind her head, and closes her eyes.

Leia says, "Have a pillow."

"Thanks. How's the family?"

They make small talk as Lando walks with the children to see what they are colouring and says hello to Luke.

After a few minutes, Mara grins and calls out, "Where's my cocktail?"

Lando chuckles and heads straight over.

"There's not much in the cooler--" says Leia.

"Don't worry," says Mara, "he's prepared."

Leia watches as Lando puts his pack on the ground, zips it open, folds down the sides, and proceeds to unfold a complicated and highly organized array of pockets. "So this is how you've managed to get him hiking with you."

"Yep," he says, grinning. "What'll it be, Leia? Alcoholic or non?"

"Non."

Luke makes frequent, furtive glances their way as Lando produces a jigger, multiple small bottles, and a tall glass.

"There's ice in the cooler--" says Leia.

"No need," says Lando.

"Luke do you want anything?" calls Leia.

"No, I'm good." He turns his attention back to his niece and nephews.

Lando muddles some herbs in sugar, cuts several wedges of fruit with a paring knife, sugars the rim of a tall glass, and by the end of this whole show, he pours something green into the glass and garnishes it with two pieces of fruit and a tiny umbrella. Water condenses and freezes on the glass, and he hands it to Leia.

"Thanks," says Leia. She takes a sip. "Not bad!"

Lando beams at Leia's high praise, and mixes an even more elaborate drink for Mara.

"Thanks, babe," she says, and grabs ahold of his collar and pulls him in for a long kiss.

"Stop before my kids stare," Leia mutters. "Han's in the main hangar, by the way."

Mara lets go, and Lando gazes at her dreamy-eyed for a moment before snapping out of it. "Thanks, Leia." He packs up his kit and stands up.

"Hey," says Mara. "I'm going to need more sugar than that."

He gives her another kiss, and Luke distracts the twins by initiating a deep conversation about favourite colours.

Mara sighs contentedly and watches her husband saunter away, waving goodbye to Luke and the kids. She has a sip of her drink and pulls a piece of fruit from the skewer with her teeth. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing," says Luke, who stops staring and redirects his attention to the kids.

Leia cringes inwardly on her brother's behalf, and shares a look and a suppressed smile with Mara.

"Ever kissed a man with a moustache, Leia?"

"Nope."

"Well, you gotta. Tell Han to grow one for you."

Leia laughs, "I think I'm good."

"You might like it! I'm just saying--"

"Hi Mara," says Callista, who has emerged from the forest unnoticed. Her approach is friendly, but pensive.

"What's up, girl!" Mara greets her with a big smile. "I'm in your chair, aren't I."

"No, no, it's okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Callista wanders over to Luke and sits under the shade with him and the kids. "Hi," she says.

"Hey," says Luke, still colouring. After a moment, as though remembering his manners, he sits up and gives his fiancée a kiss.

---

 

Callista his fiancee? And Mara with Lando? That's an interesting beginning

 

Luke doesn't seem happy Mara is with Lando, lol. Maybe he read the profic books and is wondering what happened.

 

Well, I'm going to write Mara/Lando every chance I get, so... (Thanks for commenting! )

That might explain why some people hold out hope after being told "Not in this universe.."

 

Chapter 2: A New Look

The weather turns overcast and windy a few days after Lando and Mara's arrival, so Han decides that it is a good time to investigate the strange noises that Leia's yacht was making on the way over. He strolls to the hangar whistling, and sees Luke emerging on a creeper from under the ship.

"Aww Luke," calls Han, jogging into the hangar, "you didn't have to fix our ship!"

"Yeah, I know, but you guys are on vacation, so--"

"Thanks." Han notices something off about him. He has seemed a little more agitated than usual, but this is different.

"I've fixed your landing thrusters, and I found a couple of extra large vape cartridges rolling around the HVAC system, so that explains the rattling and why you guys have been smelling cookies--"

Han frowns.

"So needless to say, I'd report this to the mechanic's supervisor--"

"Luke, are you growing a moustache?"

"Uh, yeah," he says nervously.

"Why?"

Luke avoids eye contact and says casually, "I don't know. It's a new look I'm trying."

Han gives him a hard stare and is a little surprised at himself for being so irritated; usually Luke attempting to lie makes his day. "But it doesn't really say 'Jedi Grandmaster' now, does it?"

"I think it does."

Han pieces it together. "Is everything going okay between you and Callista?"

"Yeah, things are great," Luke says quickly, and turns back to the ship. "I'm going to have a look at your hyperdrive too--"

"It's fine. Luke, what's going on?"

He sighs wearily and hangs his head. "I don't know what's happening, Han."

Han sits on the stepstool beside his brother-in-law and friend.

Luke pulls up a creeper and takes a seat. "Callista is an amazing woman."

"Yeah," Han says tightly, "she is."

"I still can't even begin to understand what she's been through... I mean, to be disembodied in a ship's computer for decades--"

"She's a strong woman."

"I think the ship's AI was trying to kill her."

Han sighs irritably.

"I think it was using some kind of... psychological warfare..."

"Honestly, Luke, I still have a hard time accepting that Cray's gone--"

Luke shoots him a glare.

"Sometimes," Han adds. "It's just... it's just a lot..." he glances at Luke and says quickly, "--for one person to go through." Seeing Luke relax again, he continues, "I mean, first she's a Jedi, and then she dies and her..." he waves his hand trying to come up with the words, "...living soul is trapped, and now she has a body again, but it used to be someone else's, and she can't sense the Force... I mean... it's so confusing--" he adds, "--for her. I mean."

"She's Callista."

"I know," says Han.

"Because it doesn't sound like you do."

"You know what?" asks Han, "Why are we talking about me? Let's talk about you."

Luke rolls his eyes.

"I'm listening." Han rests his chin in his hand and listens attentively.

Luke sighs. "She won't talk about it."

"Of course not, she's traumatized. You've got to be patient--"

"At first I thought I could handle it, but now--"

"What do you mean?" asks Han. "Handle what?"

Luke sighs. "Come with me."

 

Uh oh Luke. Can Han help?

 

Without making things worse? We'll see....

 

Author's Note:

Spoiler: Featured Song

Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee) - YouTube

Chapter 3: Blue (Da Ba Dee)

"Okay," Han whispers to Leia as they step outside the building and into the colonnade, "there she is."

"What did you want to show me?" asks Leia.

"She's doing it right now."

They each hide behind a pillar and watch.

Callista is stepping out of the forest and into the courtyard. She paces slowly with a vacant look. "Da ba dee da ba di da ba dee da ba di da ba dee da ba di da ba dee da ba di da ba dee da ba di--"

Leia smiles indulgently. "That's just chanting, Han. It's part of a lot of spiritual practices--"

He works his jaw. "I know what chanting is--"

They hush abruptly as Callista walks toward them, although she appears oblivious to the sound of their bickering. "IhaveabluehousewithabluewindowblueisthecolourofallthatIwear--"

Leia blinks, frowning.

Han smiles smugly.

"--bluearethestreetsandallthetreesaretoo--"

"Huh," says Leia.

When Callista reaches the corner and starts walking to the far side of the courtyard, Han hisses, "Does that sound like a word salad to you?"

Leia ponders awhile; it is certainly pressured speech. "Yeah. It does."

"So it's psychosis, right?"

Leia sighs heavily. "I don't know. Maybe? It could be a lot of things."

"But if that's what this is, she's gotta be having delusions, too, right?"

Leia rolls her eyes and sighs. "Han. We've been over this, so many times. Cray Mingla died--"

"But--"

"This is Callista, Han," she says with effortful patience. "I don't know what else to tell you. I don't know why you think we're all lying to you--"

"It's not that I think you're lying--"

"This little conspiracy theory of yours? It's insulting! I'm your wife, Han! Luke is your brother-in-law! The fact that you won't trust us--"

"Shh!"

She lowers her voice. "You've never had a problem taking our word about the Force before. Now suddenly you've forgotten that, just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist--"

"I just want things to make sense!"

"Shh!"

He lowers his voice. "Look. I know that you know everything and I know nothing, but--"

"Oh, come on!"

"You wanted a semi-literate ragamuffin for a husband, and that's what you got. Okay? So you can boss me around and you can be in charge because how can I argue when I don't have your special knowledge--"

"Shh!"

"Oh, don't shush me!"

"Listen," she says. "You can complain all you want about feeling left out, but there are limits to what I will take, Han!"

"Shh!"

"Oh, but you can shush me, huh?"

"She's coming this way!" he hisses.

They shush.

"I'm blue da ba dee da ba di da ba dee da ba di da ba dee da ba di da ba dee--"

Aside from her sandals muddied from the forest trail, Callista looks very stylish this morning in her periwinkle and indigo floral print dress, with matching ribbons braided into her wavy blonde hair. Ever since she gave up on sensing or wielding the Force, she has put away her Jedi uniform in favour of Cray's old wardrobe. While it is perhaps a little morbid, Cray had good taste, and everything is conveniently tailored to fit and flatter her figure. Each time Han and Leia visit, Callista is wearing more makeup and jewelry, and styling her hair more ornately, because there is just about nothing for her to do here but look pretty for Luke.

"I think she's depressed," says Han.

They watch her in solemn silence.

Without taking his eyes off of Callista, Han starts to rant. "I just think it's really convenient that Luke gets to come up with these weird theories because he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to acknowledge that--" he gesticulates wildly and becomes increasingly aggravated, "maybe the reason she's distressed is because he's neglecting her needs and has a messed-up obsession with his friend's wife, and he doesn't even have the courtesy to hide it."

Leia looks at him strangely.

"Nah," he continues, "It can't be that! He's lucky to have her, but apparently, she's just a big nuisance who makes his life miserable." He notices Leia's stare. "What is it?"

"Nothing," she says.

"Always keeping me in the dark," he grumbles.

 

Funny stuff. I can hear the cheesy 70s porn wah guitar playing as Luke's mustache grows. And he has a mullet in this twisted tale, I'll bet. Good in character banter between Han/Luke & Han/Leia.

 

Thank you! Luke might get a mullet if I write a sequel to this nonsense.

 

love the banter between Han and Leia.
Callista is so twisted. No good for Luke at all

 

Thanks!
Eh, I wouldn't say Callista's twisted here, but definitely experiencing something strange and confounding. Han thinks he has it all figured out and that Luke is actually bad for her... who's right, and who's the jerk?
Thanks for reading!