"I'm crushing your head!" 'Kids In The Hall' Appreciation Thread

*steals*

 

Mark: Oh, I can't! It's just too cruel!! But I must, it's my job! Mmmmno, I can 't it's just too cruel!! (waving) Hey! Kid!! Hey kid! Who dressed you this morning?

Kid: My mom.

Mark: Ah. Uh-huh. And do you like that suit?

Kid: Yeah.

Mark: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what do you want to be when you grow up?

Kid: A businessman!! A businessman!!

Mark: Then I'm crushing your precocious little head!! Crush crush crush crush crush crush! Pop pop! Crush! Why did I do that? I feel terrible! He was just a kid! Just a cute little kid! I must go to church, and confess. (folds up lawn chair) I must. Yes. Oh, Father forgive me- Wait! I should wait 'till I get to church to say that. Tell it to the man. Tell it to his face. Why am I always crushing heads? That was just a little kid. He didn't deserve that. I mean, I should crush the guy who sold him that suit. I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your- Oh, there I go again. Once a headcrusher, always a headcrusher. I mean, I gotta get a get a grip of yourself. You don't, I mean, have to do it every single time someone comes around the blo- I'm crushing your head! I'm- Stop, stop it, stop it. Stop it. You don't have to crush every head! You don't have to- Not everyone. Just maybe ninety-nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent of them deserve to be flatheads. Not the kids?

 

Doreen: Hey kids, where's your father?

Daughter: He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.

Doreen: Again..

Son: Yeah..


[image=http://www.kithfan.org/kith/images/genrescott.jpg]


*sigh* I heart Scott Thompson..


Bruce is still my favorite though...

 

Oh, Mr. Cole! You've been so busy gossiping that you didn't even notice your slave slipping away. Bad 1950's homosexual stereotype!

 

Crush Crush

[image=http://www.thetalentshow.org/images/bushcrush.jpg]


Kevin: 32?
Bruce: [Rising from being hidden by the display counter.] Present.

Kevin: May I help you?

Bruce: Yes. I'm pricing meat. So... how much for everything?

Kevin: I dunno. A thousand dollars.

Bruce: Gulp, I wish. Okay, then instead, who do you think would win in a fight between a dog and a monkey?

Kevin: Monkey.

Bruce: Yeah, I'll say! This kid, well she's a girl really, she goes to my swimming pool, and she has false teeth. I found them when I was diving for pucks....She's 5 and she has false teeth. And she can't eat meat. You know why?

Kevin: No teeth.

Bruce: No, she's a vegetarian.... One thing I don't wanna be when I grow up, is a butcher. Is that what you wanted to be when you were a kid like me?

Kevin: Yeah kid, it's a life long dream come true.

Bruce: Yeah?

Kevin: Where's your mom exactly?

Bruce: Oh I'm killing time because she's getting a make over.

[Cut to salon.]

Mark: Ready. [Mark in a mud pack that's being sanded off by power tools.]

Bruce: My mom says that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance marathon, cause I'm the man of the house. I better start sloooow. You know what's in wieners? Well, there's cow's eyes, and dog's heads, and old phone books, and, of course, *wiener flavor*....

Kevin: Really? That's good to know.

Bruce: Yep, yeah, and on my vacation I went to Washington state. and I really had a fabulous time, thank you. Have you ever been to Mammal World and seen the 300 kinds of mammal bones and then driven on the highway to the restaurant that echoes?

[Silence. Kevin ignores him.]

Bruce: Yeah, I did. You know why that restaurant echoes?

Kevin: [dreading the answer] Why?

Bruce: Uh, I don't know either. You should ask my mom.

[Cut to Mark in the beautician's chair, singing at the top of his lungs into a wind machine.]

Kevin: No, that's okay.

Bruce: So what did you do on your vacation?

Kevin: Went to divorce court.

Bruce: How was that?

[Kevin flattens a bunch of hamburger then cuts about 20% off of it.]

Kevin: Her's [referring to the 80%.] Mine. [Referring to the 20%.]

Bruce: Oh. Do you ever worry about losing your finger, like that guy that got drunk with my dad at the Legion while I waited in a cab? Because if you loose your finger on your hand-shaking hand, you could never meet anybody new. Like a woman to replace your wife.

Kevin: 33.

Bruce: [hands him #33] What do you know about the longest bunny hop line of all time?

Kevin: 34.

[Bruce hands him #34.]

Kevin: 89!!!

[Bruce pauses then hands him #89.]

Kevin: YES!

Bruce: How much do you think my head weighs?

Kevin: [disbelieving] What!?!

Bruce: How much do you think my head weighs. Like if I weighed it on the scale, you know if the angle was right?

Kevin: With or without hair?

Bruce: With. [rolls eyes as if to say 'Duh']

Kevin: Twelve pounds.

Bruce: Now, if my head were veal, which I know it is not, if my head were veal, how much would it be worth?

Kevin: Fifty four dollars.

Bruce: [Mulls it over a moment] No, I don't think I'll sell.

Kevin: Really? That's too bad.

Bruce: Yep. Yeah, but I've gotta go. 'Cuz my mom, she'll be dry by now.

 

Yeah well I think the leader is just some kind of twisted @** freak.

 

Wha?

 

I now have all five seasons on DVD. In a sense, I am complete.

 

[image=http://www.kithfan.org/kith/images/colourkithwigs.jpg]

 

Same here. I had never thought it possible back when they were being shown regularly on Comedy Central.

 

I have all five seasons as well. Ah, I feel whole again.

 

*sings*

Do - a deer, a female deer
Re - a drop of golden sun...





Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat.

 

I'll bet that's your favorite sketch, huh Jon?

 

No, my favourite sketches are:

• "... or this'll happen to you."
• The one where one of the cast members shares a moment with his dog

The song sketch is a very close third though.



Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat.

 

I like Liposuction. And, "Was Jesus a bad carpenter?"

 

YES.

Also "Dr. Seuss's bible stories", which I had never seen prior to purchasing the set.

 

Also great. Holy hell I haven't laughed this hard in a while.

 

I like the "Citzen Kane" sketch where Kevin stabs Dave with a knife.

 

Gotta do the periodic bumping..

[image=http://www.cfiwest.org/theater/Kids_In_The_Hall/Kids%20in%20the%20Hall.JPG]

 

It was a quote from Kids in Hall
Dave Foley and Kevin McDonald played
aliens,who photographed the anal probulations
that their leader sent them out gather,Foley's character
begins to question the necessity of it,and McDonald's character
says it their job,and they may as well like it,that's when Dave said
"well I think the leader is a twisted @** freak"

 

Went right over my head.... oy.

 

I appreciate the executives who canceled this show.

 

Someone is on a losing streak tonight.

 

I need more sausages!!

 

I can't believe I've never seen this show.