JCC ITT the JCC halps me choose a car

Why d'you think I've reached middle age without learning to drive?

The thing is:

• Lorry drivers only pick up prostitutes and are all murderers in any case
• The tube only serves London and, although it doesn't actually need drivers to function, it shuts down whenever they go on strike because - while paid more than architects, dentists and most other professionals - there are still some stockbrokers, corporate lawyers and management consultants who are paid (slightly) more than them and that's not fair
• Flibbertigibbets lack the focus required to carry a 210lb man for any kind of distance

I'm impressed at your knowledge of my country, however.

 

So close tom but it's French

I like the idea of a brown car though...

 

Never buy an Opel, or Vauxhall as you call them over there. They're German, but they might as well be French...

 

The Subaru is a decent car and low to the ground if you're more comfortable driving like that. The one I had was a stick too. They're kind of leaky though in the oil department.

 

You don't see many Subarus here in the UK - not sure why. Lack of dealerships or import tariffs maybe? One of my US friends has one and likes it though.

 

Yeah, sometimes you won't notice things until you drive awhile in a car some times. Driving comfort is fairly important to me personally as I travel frequently and I'll drive roughly 3 1/2 hours from where I live to Houston. If visiting my parents, that's still two hours away.


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The type of car does not matter, as long as it does this:

 

For that budget and requirements, a Ford Fiesta should do nicely.

 

Yeah, I had no idea if there were any where you guys are. I had a semi-good experience with my old one though.

 

I know you called out Kia as a no go, but I drive a Kia Cee'd and have done for the last 4 years. Never had an issue with it, good mileage, enough power and similar in size to a focus.

We got the Kia because we had nothing but problems with the Focus and the last issue required a £2k engine rebuild so we just traded it in for the Kia.


I certainly wouldn't discount them. Olds ones are crap but anything from 2010 onwards is pretty decent.

 

You need a Prius.

 

Peter

VW Golf - Yes. On the plus side it upset, unreasonably, KW because of the emissions thing.

Focus - It's made and designed by Germans, which is why it's quick, fuel efficient, popular, and able to corner. If it was made by Americans it would be in cast iron, have enough fuel to start the engine and then stop, and explode before turning.

Jeep - I will fly there and I will hire a group of scousers to yell insults at you as you go past them if you even suggest this again. I am not kidding, they are quite poor (scousers, as a general rule) and for £40 I could get them to say all sorts of unflattering things about your mother.
The Jeep is a plastic piece of **** designed by unionised alcoholics who are paid for a 38 hr week but based on the quality of their output only do about 2 hrs of work in total (including toilet breaks). My partner's father has one and I had to fight tooth and nail not ask if that rattling sound was always there, or if he had a death wish buying a jeep over a real vehicle.

Yaris - it's a Toyota. It will be cheap to run, zippy enough, and be in as good a shape when you sell it as whence you bought it.

You are right to avoid French hatches; unless it's the Megane RS (the Clio can **** right off), there's no benefit. Like the Americans, for whom they financed and directed a war against the Crown in the 1770s, the French produce 98% rubbish in their cars (theirs are wobbly cars that break down). Unlike the Americans, though, who use the cheapest quality parts they can find, the French charge you into thinking they're special parts. Rubbish.

You could possibly afford an Alfa Romeo, however I didn't notice you had a preference to sit on the back of a lorry being towed so, you know. Don't.

You could also probably do with a Honda. Like Toyota, it will have the kind of lifespan that only Keith Richards gets. Only, this is where he gets his blood replaced at a more fancy clinic, i.e. slightly more expensive parts and service. The Jazz may not be available in the 2008-10 models, but the Civic is a great car.

If you get bored, too, you can wrap it in an anime livery so you look like some sort of sexual pervert (i.e. a standard anime fan).

 

ive learned from pornography that your taxi drivers generally expect lewd public sex acts as compensation, which probably gets tiring for the average commuter

 

I'm going to echo Ender here and throw a general "Avoid if at all Possible" in regards to Jeep. I can't honestly recommend one.

I forgot about the Yaris, but both of these are good suggestions as well.

 

My one and only Yaris experience was a rental and the engine blew out at 37k miles leaving me stranded on the side of the road in Portland for several hours. Also, it felt like a light wind would blow it off the road.

 

VW will give you fits with electronics as it ages.

 

I drove a Yaris as a rental once, or tried to. My knees were hunched up close to my chest trying to drive that thing, even with the seat all the way back.

 

Rental car? You mean race car. I'm sure that little Yaris was driven very, very hard.

 

Yeah, a Toyota engine blowing up, in a rental car, speaks to profound abuse and not build quality.

I'm renting a Mercedes E Klasse in about a month when I head off for a wedding. It will be pushed hard, undoubtedly. It's a rental. That's what you do.

 

I think the Yaris hatchback models listed in the opening post would do a good job of meeting most of the requirements.

 

Yaris. Toyota makes some of the finest autos. Owned two Camrys and a Lexus. Quality.

Ford Focus. Right on your budget.

VW Golf: same

If you had more to spend I would suggest a BMW MINI…maybe too small for you?

 

NO. You don't understand, the Mini now is an aberration. It's not enough that the Italian Job had to be remade in the bloody States, oh no, the Germans have to come and make the Mini with no soul.

Christ.

Also I think this needs to be re-stated:

This is an absolute fact. If you drive a lorry, or truck in American parlance, it is 104% likely that you have either picked up a prostitute and thought about murdering her/him, or have actually picked one up and murdered, um, it.

Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan and Justin Bieber all were lorry drivers. Jack the Ripper invented the Lorry so he could do his dark deeds with convenience.

 

Thanks for the input guys!

I now have a shortlist of:

VW Golf
Ford Focus
Toyota Yaris
Honda Civic

I'm leaning towards the last two now as both offer long corrosion warranties and I'm right next to a salt water estuary so rust is a thing here.

I've found all 4 for sale within budget nearby so I'll book some test drives and see how they feel

 

Do you want suggestions for wraps?

 

I guess it would give this thread new purpose... sure! Wrap away!