Lit Join Me and Achieve Perfection: A Reread of The Glove of Darth Vader

A) Threepo is being menaced by modified Terminator endoskeleton which I'm assuming the Jawas rebuilt out of the crushed hydrolic press from the Cyberdyne factory. B) In the top left corner inside the hut there is an Iron Man Mark I on the left side window but I'm really disturbed by the right side window by that .... 50s greaser droid that is wearing an armless vest, weird hair, stoic 3-dot facial features and no pants.

 

Curse you! What has been seen cannot be unseen...

 

Yeah, "size" wasn't the right word to use, as obviously Y-Wings are much larger than minivans. Just meant they seem to have as much inner space, with 5 seats at the very least. Maybe they have a TV in the back?

Was thinking more of a RL person, perhaps an actor. But heh, I suppose he does sorta look like Sting...

It's funny because it's oh so painfully true.

He obviously wasn't very good. That place was a dump. I don't think Han took very good care of his last housekeeping droid

Oh, I'm aware droid personalities tend to be programmed as roughly "masculine" or "feminine" in voice and in personality, but it's worth noting that in this particular series, it's presented as if the droids are themselves male or female, and therefore act differently because of that. Whereas Guri was a droid with a female skin, in this series the gender, and all the ideals 50s self help magazines tell us that gender should strive for is hardwired into them. For a series that is a literal sausage fest, that's not exactly a good mark. I'd say the gender relations in these books are messed up, but so far there isn't any gender relations to speak of.

I'd scoff some more at the Davids seemingly ideal "female droid" being a character right out of a 50s family sitcom... though to be perfectly fair, she could very well simply be a counterpart to Threepio's equally stereotypical British butler (though he's much less awesome than Alfred).

Jude Watson does this all the time. Everything that's naughty is of the dark side. Drives me crazy.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks Trioculus looks badass there. Of course, saying that a guy named "Trioculus" looks badass invariably makes my skin crawl.

A very interesting interpretation. It would make sense that Threepio is full of rage, considering the abuse he's sustained over the years, but is mentally incapable of expressing that rage in any way that isn't excessively polite and dignified. It's just not in his programming to speak his mind without prettying up his speech.

And now I'm getting a mental image of Chewbacca laying around, licking his crotch like a cat. Thanks

Not that I'm aware of. Definitely a potential problem, unless the spiderbrains just kept to themselves while the Aged Aliens spent their days playing bingo and just being old.

Very interesting catch. On the first thing at least. On the second... some things are better left unsaid.


Anyway, the Empire appreciates your continued support and comments. Though I generally shoot for an update every two days, I just want to give a heads up that I'll almost certainly not be able to do one tomorrow, since I'll be away from a computer for most of the day, and likely too tired to do one of these things when I return. Don't despair, though; it will give you more time to meditate upon what you've already learned. Knowledge may indeed be power, but only if it's applied knowledge.

 

I have somehow missed commenting the latest chapter.

Though word of Jabba’s death spread from planet to planet throughout the galaxy, the news never reached the dungeons of the mud-ball planet known as Kip. It was there on Kip that Zorba the Hutt had been imprisoned long ago for illegally mining precious gemstones.

But within the first year after Jabba the Hutt’s death, Kip was conquered by alien pirates, and Zorba was released from prison. The pygmy aliens of the mud-ball planet had never figured out how to fly Zorba’s spaceship, the Zorba Express. So the spaceship was

still waiting for him, docked at the same muddy cliff where it had been left when Zorba was captured. He dug up his hidden supply of gemstones, and then climbed aboard his spaceship, setting his course for Tatooine.

Because Pablo Hidalgo is awesome, here's the backstory: http://www.holonetnews.com/48/regional/13321_5.html

I vote no. "The alien pirates" is too broad a term, if these were THE FOOD PIRATES (The Terror Of The Galaxy Who Almost Killed The Last Jedi!) it would have been told.


Chapter 1: The Droidfest of Tatooine

Luke Skywalker’s Y-wing starfighter zoomed through deep space, on its way to Cloud City for Han Solo’s housewarming party.

I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. This is going to be glorious.

Ken closed his eyes, forcing himself to concentrate. What about getting Han a holo-projector? Or a deluxe power booster for one of his two cloud racing cars? Or what about a supercharged multidirectional laser blaster?
I would like a supercharged multidirectional laser blaster. How do you point that thing?

Suddenly Ken bolted upright, pulling against his straps. "I know what we should get Han!" he declared. "A housekeeping droid!"

"A housekeeping droid!" the golden droid, See-Threepio echoed. "Now there’s a brilliant idea!"

"Droids make very practical gifts," added Microchip, Ken’s silver droid whom Ken had called Chip for as long as either of them could remember.

"Tzzzooop bcheeeech!" tooted Artoo-Detoo, the barrel-shaped utility droid, signaling his agreement.

This is like some sort of sketch where a lot of clowns come from a small car. Or that scene from the Simpsons: "Why are the kids here?" "Because we couldn't get Grandpa to babysit them" "Then why is Grandpa here? "Because Jasper didn't want to come on his own"

I read the conversation above while sipping juice and almost spat it when I got to Artoo's "agreement-signaling". It's like a punchline you can fill yourself.

Does Luke count only the red-heads who try to kill him or also those with different colored hair? And Han's characterization marches on.

"I guess you’ve never heard of the Droidfest of Tatooine," Luke said. "That’s the place to go. It’s loaded with JDTs."

"What does JDT mean?" the boy inquired.

"Jawa Droid Traders," Luke explained. "The droidfest is the jawas’ annual sale. They have the biggest selection of droids in the galaxy. And the best prices."

It's great that Jawa Droid Traders can be and are shorted into JDT:s. Were Owen and Beru widely known on Tatooine as HMF:s, short for Human Moisture Farmers?

Dear Waru! This seems like a subtle use of foreshadowing!
Wait... the secret's totally that Trioculus is not the real son of Palpatine. I just spoiled myself.

I guess that the Retirement Home was just a cover up organization of the B'omarr Monks. That way they could have all the toga parties they'd like without crime lords coming in and out.

"Didn’t Jabba the Hutt also own the Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino in Cloud City?" Ken asked, remembering something he had read in the Jedi Library.

"For a kid your age, you sure know your history," Luke said. "Jabba did own that casino. But when Jabba died, Holiday Towers was taken over by the government of Cloud City. My old friend, Lando Calrissian, runs it now. He’s the governor of Cloud City."

Ohoo! This foreshadowing is a little less subtle than it is in the Harry Potter books I'm currently re-reading, but I think I get the clues. In the end of the novel, the following will happen:
"That man is not Han Solo", Lando said, sniffing Han's bottle. "You have not met the real Han in months. I should have known. The moment he started talking about the Sky House, I should have known. The real Han Solo planned to build it above Dantooine."

You forgot the boy droids? Lucky you.

At least it's her backplate. Still, hopefully 3PO does this tactfully.

"Excellent microcircuits," Threepio declared. "Superb mobility, too. It’s rare to find a female droid who’s been manufactured with such quality and-"
First dirty-sounding compliments and then a sexist comment. I thought 3PO was a protocol droid?

 

Though I do my best with these recaps, I am not perfect. Each chapter of this epic is an adventure in of itself, a bottomless gold mine of information and meditations on the human condition. I am bound to miss some things. However, it occurs to me that I missed something very important last time, something inexcusably essential to not only understanding the underlining subtext of this novel, but of functioning as an educated human being.

I speak, of course, of a picture of Kate. I completely forgot to put it in my last summary. I will rectify that now.




Beautiful and elegant. I am truly sorry I deprived my faithful drones followers of it. I beg your forgiveness, and vow to do better in the future.

After all, without this picture, how would one know that lipstick looks so good on a droid?

Chapter 2: The Return of Zorba

Are you tired of old Trioculus menacing our heroes? Does Hissa's character not have enough weight for you (this is my thread, I can make all the horrible jokes I want!)? Well, we've got a new villain for you. And, in a desperate effort to prove that these books do indeed take place in the Star Wars universe, he's related to a villain from the movies!

We meet this new villain in the midst of a fantasy: a fantasy involving fast hoversleds, beautiful sex slaves, and all the squirming, slimy slugs that a Hutt can devour. Zorba the Hutt, aboard his luxury cruiser The Zorba Express, dreams of all the things he will enjoy in the company of his dear son after escaping time in the slammer: all the things I already mentioned, enjoyed while submerged in a steaming hot bath, his relaxation made only the sweeter by the fact that the water was stolen from the Tatooine moisture farmers.

Yes, Zorba has it made. Just look at his pimped out ship.



If that doesn't say "I'm higher on the food chain than you, deal with it", I'm not sure what does.



Then again, his beard does a good job of that already.

As the illustrious Zorba approaches Tatooine, he reveals himself to be a Hutt who has no time for keeping up with news.


"Attention, Jabba, come in. It’s your papa, Zorba. Do you read me? Over!"


But there was no reply. In the old days, Zorba thought, whenever he had requested
permission to land, there had always been an immediate reply from Jabba.

Zorba lands his "bell-shaped" cruiser not far from the entrance. He attempts to shut the craft off, but like its owner, it proves defiant in the face of authority: it keeps going, with deafening howls of "CHIZOOOOK" and bloodcurdling shrieks of "SQUEEEEEGE!", sounds that are compared to "the sigh from the chest of a dying Hutt." A subtle reference to Jabba, perhaps? Layers upon layers, I say.

Apparently Zorba isn't too bothered by his rebel spaceship, because he gets out and wabbles over to the entrance of his sons palace without giving it another thought. He is greeted by a "mechanical eyeball", which demands that he state his business.


"My business, as you call it, is that I am Jabba the Hutt’s father, and I’ve come to see
my son!"

"I’m sorry, Jabba the Hutt no longer lives here."

Zorba snorted. Obviously this mechanical eyeball was broken and in need of repair.
Everybody knew that Jabba would never move from his palace.

Zorba demands to know what this infernal eyeball is implying.


"The palace is under new management," the mechanical eyeball replied. Then it moved here
and there, studying Zorba from several directions. "Are you a Hutt?" it asked. "Indeed,
you seem to be a Hutt!"

"Well, of course I’m a Hutt!!" Zorba shouted, his eyes bulging in anger. "How could
Jabba’s father be anything but a Hutt?"

"That’s what I thought you said," the eyeball replied. "I’m sorry. No Hutts are allowed
here anymore! New policy. No exceptions. Good day, sir!"

Well, a racist retirement home. Should probably call themselves "The Retirement Home for Aged non-Hutt Aliens".


Zorba pounded on the door. No Hutts allowed? Zorba had never heard of such an outrage!

Zorba knew that Hutts were disliked. Imperial officers often snickered whenever they
talked about the planet Varl, the pockmarked planet where most Hutts lived. They said no
alien creature of good breeding had ever been born on Varl. Once Zorba even heard an
Imperial grand moff say that he considered Hutts to be immoral, nasty, domineering, and
power hungry.

Zorba shuddered when he heard insults like that, because he considered them lies. Hutts
were a proud sluglike species-very generous to their fellow Hutts, even if they were
stingy and cruel to everyone else. And above all, they expected everyone-even mechanical
eyeballs-to treat them with respect.


Well well, what do we have here? Do my eyes deceive me, or are they making some attempt to not portray the Hutts, a "villainous" species, as uniformly evil and immoral? Are they actually trying to give them some complexity? Madness!

Of course, that "Varl" thing is a problem. Ol' Wookieepedia tells me that it was first mentioned in this book. Always great to see this series as the originator of enduring canon concepts. It's like one big practical joke on all of continuity.

Zorba declares that he must get to the bottom of this, and boards the Zorba Express, which is apparently just fine now, thanks for asking (they just wanted to put some sound effects in there. I understand). He arrives at Mos Eisley, concluding that the wretched hive of scum and villainy would be the best possible place to get the scoop on his son (if you ask me, that sounds like a place where a lone Hutt is just asking to get killed).




Arriving at Mos Eisley, Zorba wobbled up to the big round doorway of the crowded cantina.
Thanks to Jabba the Hutt, the new door was now big enough for Hutts. Jabba had threatened
to shoot down one arriving spaceship each week unless the cantina door was enlarged so
that he could fit inside. His request had gotten quick attention from the spaceport
authorities.

Jabba the Hutt: ensuring all places of business are handicapped accessible. By any means
necessary.



As Zorba entered he noticed an Imperial grand moff standing by the bar of the cantina,
talking to a group of alien bounty hunters. The grand moff was bald, with sharp, pointy
teeth. He was pointing to a poster that said: WANTED BY EMPEROR TRIOCULUS! A JEDI PRINCE
NAMED KEN FROM THE LOST CITY OF THE JEDI! GENEROUS REWARD!


A Grand Moff personally came to a dump of a bar on a backwater, insignificant world known
for little more than its criminal element to encourage the manhunt of a child? Makes sense.


"Grand Moff Hissa," said a Twi’lek alien, who had a long tentacle growing out of his head.
"Do you know what this Prince Ken looks like? Or how old he is? Where does he come from?
Did he get his name from Kenobi? Perhaps he is a relative of Obi-Wan?"


So... I guess Obi-Wan is some kind of Tatooine folk hero now?


"I'm sorry, I'm not authorized to release that information," Grand Moff Hissa replied,
seeming to cover up for the fact that he didn't know. "However, I am authorized to reveal
that the Empire believes that Ken may have departed from the fourth moon of Yavin with
Luke Skywalker. The two of them are almost certainly traveling together!"

"AHEMMMM!"

Zorba cleared his throat. All eyes turned to look at his huge, wrinkled body, with its
braided white hair and white beard. They stared at his enormous reptilian eyes, and his
lipless mouth that spread from one side of his face to the other.

May be traveling with Luke Skywalker... consider that statement in context for a moment. Luke Skywalker is a famous figure. Legendary hero to some, one of the greatest war criminals of history to others. I can't even think of an appropriate analogy, but here's a shot. "WANTED: 12 YEAR OLD BOY. IS MOST LIKELY TRAVELING WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN. SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS"


"I am Zorba the Hutt, father of Jabba! I want someone to tell me where I can find my son!"

An awkward hush settled over the noisy cantina.

"I was told that Hutts are no longer permitted in Jabba's palace!" Zorba exclaimed. "Who
owns the palace, if not Jabba?"''

A green-skinned bounty hunter named Tibor, a Barabel alien who was wearing a coat of armor over his reptilian skin, took a big gulp of his drink. "If I were you, Zorba," he said,
"I'd calm down. Have yourself a drink of zoochberry juice."


Chalmun's Cantina: hard fighting, and hard zoochberry juice drinking. You can't hold your drink, don't even bother coming through the door.

Also, back up a moment and picture that line coming from this face:



I bet you never thought the words "zoochberry juice" could sound so terrifying. Yeah, you like zoochberry juice, don't you little man...


"I will not calm down!" Zorba screamed. "I want information about Jabba! And I'll pay five
gemstones to anyone who talks!"

The offer suddenly turned everyone in the cantina into an authority on Jabba. Dozens of
voices began blurting out all sorts of things at once.

But there was one voice that stood out above all the others. "You seem to be about the
only creature this side of the Dune Sea who doesn't know that Jabba the Hutt is dead,"
Grand Moff Hissa said.


And Hissa's power of the obvious comes into play even here. He has no sympathy. He cares not one bit for the petty feelings of others. He simply delivers the truth.


Zorba clutched his chest. "Dead?" Was his heart going to explode? "My son . . . dead?"

Zorba let out a wheezing sigh of grief that vibrated the whole room. "How did Jabba die?"
he demanded.

"He was murdered by Princess Leia," a Jenet said, scratching the white fuzz that covered
his body.

"Yes, it was Leia!" an Aqualish alien agreed.

"She killed him in cold blood!" Tibor shouted, pounding his body armor with a green fist.


"Princess Leia was Jabba's slave," the Twi'lek alien explained. "She had a chain attached
to her. And she took the chain like this . . ." The Twi'lek twisted his own tentacle about
his neck, to demonstrate. "And she squeezed the breath out of Jabba. It happened in his
sail barge at the Great Pit of Carkoon."


Zorba's yellow eyes bulged from their sockets. "In the name of the ancient conqueror,
Kossak the Hutt, I swear that this Princess Leia shall die!"


Kossak the Hutt, to wookieepedia we go... oooh, he's connected to Xim the Despot. I'm perfectly down with the idea of one of the great conquerors of the galaxy being a Hutt: they would have to do something to attain their lofty position, after all, and it's demonstrative of their general craftiness in an entirely different way. Running an army and running a crime empire aren't too fundamentally different. Not that I'd know anything about that... I'm just a high school chemistry teacher...

The illustrious Zorba the Hutt, his sadness replaced by fiery determination, asks Hissa who the current unfortunate occupants of his sons palace are.

"Unfortunately, Jabba didn't leave a will," Grand Moff Hissa explained, "so naturally the
Planetary Government of Tatooine took custody of his property-with the permission of the
Empire, of course. At the moment, the palace is in ruins. Only the Ranats live there now."

Damn. Was hoping Zorba's thugs were gonna rough up some old folks.


"Ranats!" Zorba spit on the cantina floor in disgust. "I want ten bounty hunters!" Zorba
announced. "Ten strong men or aliens to come with me to Jabba's palace! I will pay seven
gemstones each!"

Conveniently, there are exactly 10 volunteers, all demanding to be payed upfront (you know those mercenary types. Don't care about anything but sex and zoochberry juice).


Zorba refused their request. "If any man or alien among you doesn't trust me to pay up
once the job is done," Zorba threatened, "then I don't need you!"

The volunteers decided to take their chances. But all the way from the cantina to Jabba
the Hutt's vacant palace, they argued among themselves about whether they had acted
wisely. Most of them thought that they should have at least demanded a deposit of a few
gemstones.

And Zorba proves himself to be a shrewd businessman. Subtle foreshadowing of his run in with Lando?

The mob reaches Jabba's palace, and Tibor aims an anti-orbital cannon at the door (he just carries that around with him? I knew there was a reason his picture scared me)


KABAAAMMMMM!!


I'm picturing the metal eyeball denying them entrance before they blow it to pieces.

Zorba leads the bounty hunters through his sons former estate, the Ranats scurrying and hiding. Through his belongings, Jabba reveals an eclectic taste in decoration, sporting art and furnishes from various unknown worlds.


The bounty hunters followed Zorba into the dry and dusty palace, which was in ruins. The
Ranats had chewed the splendid Corellian carpets, clawed the expensive wall hangings from
Bespin, and torn apart the custom furnishings from Alderaan so they could eat the stuffing.

The Davids once again show off their newfound skill of foreshadowing, with the introduction of the Hutt's ability to see ultraviolet light. Which is a totally hax ability, for the record, but more on that when we get to it.



In the palace banquet hall, it was too dark for the bounty hunters to see. And there was
no longer any power in the ion surcharge generators.

But Zorba could see. His son had the walls of the palace built with ultraviolet luminous
stones. Even though ultraviolet light is invisible to humans and most alien species, Hutts
are able to see by ultraviolet light.

From there, Zorba accesses a secret passage, and finds a dusty, barrel shaped droid. He turns the droid on.

TZZZZZZZT!


"Tell me, CB-99," said. Zorba. "Do you still have all of your memory banks? Including file
JTHW?"

"Zizoooop!" the droid beeped.

"Excellent. The fools! They shall learn that Jabba's will was here in his palace all
along-right inside of you!"

Zorba gave a belly laugh-a laugh so deep and loud, one might have thought he was watching
a prisoner being dropped into a vat of carbonite.

"A-HAW-HAW-HAWWWW! . . ."

Commentary: Well, Zorba didn't seem like that bad of a guy. Just a guy who was rightfully angry that his son was murdered. Then he pulled out that evil laugh, and I suddenly don't trust him anymore.

And a prisoner in carbonite... har har har.

Let's see, Zorba. Well, I will say this: I feel he's another one of the series good ideas with, erm, questionable execution. In Zahn's Heir to the Empire anniversary edition, he points out that he wanted to tie Mara Jade into the Jabba sequence in ROTJ because, while he really liked that sequence, he felt it was a bit disconnected from the rest of the saga. I agree with this, and as such think the Hutts seeking revenge against Leia in particular is a great premise for a story. You can not kill a crime boss with such extensive influence and not expect repercussions. Also, Leia killing Jabba is, in my opinion, one of the best moments of the films. If you hadn't got it before, that scene makes it loud and clear that Leia is not here to be the damsel in distress: piss her off, and you die. Which is why it kind of annoys me that post-Thrawn trilogy Leia is such a passive character, but that's an entirely separate subject.

I would have loved to have seen a bigger story about Leia dealing with fallout from killing Jabba. I admire the attempt here but, well, let's say that I don't picture the Hutt taking over Hologram Fun World (oh, more on that later, don't you worry) as part of the revenge scheme.

Also, for those solidly in the Trioculus as the protagonist camp, Zorba might further suggest that is the case. If memory serves, Zorba causes as much, if not more trouble for Trioculus as he does for our heroes.

Let's see, what else... well, I already laughed at the idea of Hissa being in Chalmun's Cantina, so I'll use this space to ask why he's there. Not in-universe: for the story. What is the purpose of him being there? All he accomplishes here is telling Zorba that Jabba is dead, and surely any of the thugs could have done that. Curious indeed.

Speaking of which, I find it kind of annoying at how accurately the story of Leia killing Jabba is recounted. There was no evidence left of anything that happened there. Personally, I think this would have been a good opportunity to showcase the constantly flourishing, unreliable nature of rumors and hearsay. For all the series does wrong, this is something Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series does exceptionally well. No, didn't you hear, I hear Leia pushed Jabba into the sarlacc; no, no, that's not right, I heard that Boba Fett betrayed Jabba; that's ridiculous, see, I know a guy who heard that Jabba got frozen in carbonite and is now sitting above the fireplace of Han Solo's skyhouse; no, what are you an idiot, everyone knows that Salacious Crumb strangled Jabba while he was ogling Leia, then burned his sail barge to the ground. Ah well.

Anyway, not much else to say. Except that they're using more sound effects. That's always a good thing.

 

Okay, this one is definitely the zaniest chapter I have read so far.

Some of my favorite gems:

Note the definite article before "cantina". Of course, in a galaxy of maybe seven-odd planets it makes perfect sense that there is exactly one cantina in Mos Eisley... The Cantina.
So if you are a Grand Moff looking for some scum to do your dirty work, where else would you go?

I'm starting to wonder what this drink does.

Somehow I can't help imagining that "green fist" not being his own...

So Kenobi isn't the only one who comes up with rotten codewords... is that a Tatooine thing or what?

Looking forward to... Han's housewarming party!

 

Did the Davids (Davidses?) intend that the reader's mental theme tune for Zorba the Hutt be, well, Zorba's Dance? Because excepting the emotional your-son-is-dead scene, whenever he does something, in my reading it's accompanied by some variation of that music. Particularly his crawling from the Palace to Mos Eisley, given the Hutt physique is so well suited to this dance.

The flying-the-Zorba-Express music is the jauntiest version possible, with the sound effects occuring in time with the music.

Speaking of timeliness, that looks far mosque-ier than Lego's Jabba's Palace.

And we have a new contender for First Film Character To Be Killed Off In The EU.

Besides these guys?

 

No comments on this chapter, but a request- while not as zany, once you run out of Jedi Prince books, could you do this sort of review for the Young Jedi Knight/Junior Jedi Knight books?

 

The Galaxy of Fear books would also be a good candidate.

 

I challenge anyone to find two sillier phrases in a work of fiction published in the last 10,000 years.

 

Those are amazingly entertaining and reference tons of other EU Stuff.

Well now that is just plain the pot calling the kettle black

Dark Empire came out before and made Nal Hutta their homeworld, so just missed research.

Obi-Wan was known for saving moisture farmers and lost children in the desert (like he did Luke in ANH), he even battled Tusken to prevent their raids, so he should have had some good PR, him being a reclusive nomad would properly just add to the myth thing.

Hehe, they had a cultural shift and went merchant lords at about 15000 before Yavin after they devastated Varl and nearly wiped out their own species, before that they were know as brutal Warlords.

Again Dark Empire , when Han and Leia go to Nar Shaddaa and the whole moon is gunning for them because the Hutts placed a Bounty on her for killing Jabba.

Jabbas minions knew and a handful survived the event at the Sail Barge, so they would have spread the story (after looting Jabbas palace of course )

 

Which is why I suggested them- have only gotten the first two or so- but thought they were both zany and a fun read.

 

I'm sure I could find several such phrases in any given Dan Brown novel

 

I always found those books surprisingly good. And I love how much Mammon Hoole helps us understand how the GFFA works through his anthropological commentaries. And there was also Ghost of the Jedi who helps us understand the technicalities of a "Force ghost."

 

Nal Hutta is their adopted homeworld, after they ruined Varl with pollution (so that even fits in well with the GODV themes).

The original endnotes for that issue of Dark Empire actually even mention Zorba and his attempt to get revenge on Leia for killing his son. It's one of those very early bits of EU coordination, especially given I actually think that DE issue came out prior to Zorba the Hutt's Revenge.

 

A summary of the majority of the novels like these would be nice for those of us who can't find the time to read them. Of course, they wouldn't pick on the books as much as this one on TGoDV would.

 

Were they at the barge? I read Tales of Mos Eisley, but I won't lie, most of those stories just blended together.

Hmm. If enough people would like to see something like that, I'd be willing. I actually haven't read the JJK/YJK books, but intend to right before I read the NJO, so it'd be entirely new for me as well. That said, I do have some reservations about branching out from the Jedi Prince series.

1. Funny story, actually: this thread has its genesis as an NJO reread thread. Basically, I've read practically everything in the Star Wars canon prior to the NJO and beyond (save some of the more recent stuff, the Republic Commando series and the Coruscant Night series). I planned to have the NJO as a "grand finale" for the Star Wars saga, and wanted to open a thread to offer a view of the series from that perspective. Does it function as a culmination of everything that has come before? Is it fitting as a "finale" for Star Wars, or at least the stories of Luke, Han and Leia?

But then I had second thoughts. For one, it seems an NJO thread opens every Tuesday. There's plenty of discussion about it going on without me. Second, I'd hate to open a thread like that and restrict people from discussing spoilers ahead of where I am. Third, I doubt I'll have any particularly viable insight to share that hasn't already been gleamed in excruciating detail over the past decade on this board. I may still do something with the NJO when I get to it, but I haven't decided on what.

But I still wanted to do something like this, because I thought it'd be fun. Then it hit me: the Jedi Prince series. It's unique in that it's simultaneously the EU's dirty little secret and buried treasure. It's a point of both adoration and confusion for those who have read it, and a point of fascination for those who haven't. Those who hadn't read it could finally see what they were missing; those who had read it could get another opportunity to make fun of them, and read them this time in a group.

But as I said, the Jedi Prince series is unique. Almost every chapter has at least one or two absolutely golden moments of pure hilarity. Would a reread of the YJK series be anywhere near as entertaining? I don't know. You decide.

But then again, while I will freely admit I only started this thread to make fun of the series... I've found that one of the greatest sources of fun is, y'know, seriously discussing it. Speculating on how it fits into canon. Deciding mock-seriously who the true protagonist is. Trying so desperately to guess the mindset of the writers (good luck on that one). So maybe a work doesn't have to be truly awful to be fun to dissect like this.

2. Another thing is, if I were to do another series, I'd cut down significantly on the summaries. To be perfectly honest, this reread has turned out to be much, much more time consuming than I ever could have imagined. But I can't help myself. Almost all of the dialogue is to be treasured. I simply don't feel I can capture the essence of the book in any other way than the text itself. I don't think I'd have that problem with another series, so I'd offer a much shorter summary, while only quoting the most significant passages (much more like the Tor rereads that inspired this thread).

But this is all hypothetical. For now, I've only room for one love in my life. As long as there are a few loyal stooges hanging on, I'm committed to crossing the finish line.

Now, I have read the Galaxy of Fear series. They have some truly ridiculous moments, and considering I was a fan of Goosebumps when I was a kid, I can't help but laugh at the blatant rip off... but they also have some truly enjoyable stuff. The cameos are gratuitous, absolutely, but they rarely feel forced. I also found Tash's gradual understanding of the Force more enjoyable than it had any right to be; there were some decent insights in one of the books. I can easily understand John Whitman being the writer of all the radio drama's he did; he displays a thorough knowledge, and perhaps even enthusiasm for the universe. If I were to describe the Galaxy of Fear series, I'd say (well, after Goosebumps in space) that it's a celebration of the Bantam era of Star Wars.

Also, Vader is an absolute monster in those books. Baddest motherf***@#* in the galaxy. It's glorious.

So yeah, consider Galaxy of Fear another one I'd be willing to tackle.

Eh, that's something, sure, but it just doesn't feel like enough. Dark Empire was a very ambitious comic, and tried to cram so much content into the space allowed, so perhaps that could have been explored more had they the time. Still, having read it recently, it wasn't so much the whole moon gunning for them as much as it was just Boba Fett and Dengar.

In other words, it was more of a footnote, when it could make a great plot all by itself.

 

Just for the heck of it, I got out my old Dark Empire TPB, and here are the relevant endnote sections in question:

"Nar Shaddaa - the "smuggler's moon" - orbits Nal Hutta, one of the principal planets inhabited by the worm-like Hutts, the race of gangsters that fathered the formidable Jabba...descend to the foundations of this world, and you will find the very dregs of Galactic civilization: regressed and inbred remnants of a humanoid race that once ruled Nal Hutta, a thousand years in the past. Driven from their homeworld by the insatiable Hutts..."

So nothing at odds with Zorba the Hutt's Revenge (almost wrote Zorba the Hutt's Express here) saying Varl is the Hutt homeworld, since DE establishes from the start that Nal Hutta is only a "principal" Hutt planet, and one which the Hutts are clearly not native to.

Then there's this, in the part on Mako Spince:

"It's Mako who gives Han the good news: The highest clan of Hutts - the brothers of the gangster Jabba, following their father Zorba's failed attempt at revenge - have put an absolutely huge price on the heads of Leia and Han for the death of Jabba."

I forget, is there any indication in GODV or the Han trilogy that Jabba has brothers? And there's also the statement here that Jabba and Zorba are Hutt nobility, which I'd also be interested to see if it gets reflected at all in the GODV series.

I also think it's funny that this issue came out a few weeks prior to Zorba the Hutt's Revenge and already the endnotes are telling readers that Zorba's attempts are going to fail. I mean, not like anyone would probably really fear for Leia's life, but come on...Then again, the very first page of the first issue of Dark Empire - coming out half a year before Dark Force Rising, let alone The Last Command - talks about the ultimate failure and death of Thrawn. Clearly there was a very different spoiler policy in the early 90s.

 

Yeah, it's getting quite shocking actually. I had forgotten both Varl and Kossak were their creations. The Davids are increasingly seeming more akin to... maybe not the father/mother figures of EU lore, but the loony estranged Uncle & Aunt figureheads of the EU.

Havac, you should totally consider nominating them for one of your Millenium Falcon Hall of Fame awards. Totally.

 

As far as I know, the Dark Empire endnotes is the only source that ever mentioned Jabba's siblings. According to Scourge, the fertility rate of the Hutts had become being very low as a consequence of damage following the loss of their original homeworld, which would certainly advocate for a healthy Hutt to have as many children as possible. Additionally, Zorba himself had at least three brothers/sisters (Jiliac Desilijic Tiron and Pazda Desilijic Tiure, and Ziro Desilijic Tiure), which implies that extended set of siblings were normal among the Hutts. Also, The Clone Wars novel by Karen Traviss shows that the Hutts (or at least Jabba) regard "bloodline continuity" as a fine thing.

 

I remember reading and loving this series as a child, but only now can I recognize the utter silliness of the thing. And yet I still find myself laughing as I read this thread, especially at some of the comments. But never will there be something more humorous than the Grand Moffs of the Empire holding a Mofference. Never.

 

Get LEGO to make a model of this immediately.

Arriving at Mos Eisley, Zorba wobbled up to the big round doorway of the crowded cantina.
Thanks to Jabba the Hutt, the new door was now big enough for Hutts. Jabba had threatened
to shoot down one arriving spaceship each week unless the cantina door was enlarged so
that he could fit inside. His request had gotten quick attention from the spaceport
authorities.

The reason he had to send Greedo to talk to Han instead of going himself? He couldn't get in. Imagine the Cantina scene with angry Jabba stuck in the doorway.

He was pointing to a poster that said: WANTED BY EMPEROR TRIOCULUS! A JEDI PRINCE
NAMED KEN FROM THE LOST CITY OF THE JEDI! GENEROUS REWARD!

It's not like there are many backwater, insignificant worlds in the galaxy. Trioculus could spare his Grand Moffs to put up posters on Tatooine, Bespin, Dagobah, Hoth and Endor.

. But the Big Three are often targeted because they are carrying a MacGuffin or talk to a main side character, rarely because they are, you know, leaders of the rebellion and war heroes.

"I will not calm down!" Zorba screamed. "I want information about Jabba! And I'll pay five
gemstones to anyone who talks!"

"I want ten bounty hunters!" Zorba
announced. "Ten strong men or aliens to come with me to Jabba's palace! I will pay seven
gemstones each!"

Devalvation hit pretty hard there. And Hissa couldn't resist telling the obvious, when one of the patrons had a change to become rich.

 

Though what I find pretty amusing here is that Zorba never tells them what kind of gemstones (or that the people actually ask about it), after all, some gems will hardly be worth a good meal, others must be worth millions upon millions of credits.

 

Sorry for the delay on this one. My computer restarted without my permission, and I lost a nearly completed post. Really bummed me out. So now I have to summarize this chapter twice. And it's a looooooong one. Truly a matter worthy of celebration.

After all, it's about the SKYHOUSE. I think I subconsciously sabotaged myself just to have the opportunity to write about it twice.

This is a truly momentous chapter. If I had the power, I would briefly change this thread title to have it incorporate the SKYHOUSE in some way.

Chapter 3: Han Solo's Housewarming Party

For hours Luke Skywalker and Ken had been listening to the KA-CHANGGGGGING sound of the treads of a hot, grinding sandcrawler.

This is what we call starting off with a bang. Or, rather, starting off with a KA-CHAAAANG. One guess which I prefer.

When Luke had found himself outnumbered by the Sand People, he made "the wise move" of making like Pellaeon and retreating into the sandcrawler with Ken and the unconditional slaves droids. The Sand People, armed with "quite primitive weapons", aren't having much luck piercing the Sandcrawlers armor, but that hasn't stopped them from trying.

Unfortunately, the temporary asylum is not the end of their problems. The inside of the sandcrawler is "hotter than a nanowave oven". The imminent threat of burning alive, however, is not enough to put an end to Threepio's snarkiness. Not my a longshot.

"All I can say, Master Luke," Threepio commented in a whiny voice, "is that if you hadn’t taken refuge in here with us, I’m afraid I’d be put up for sale to a new master come tomorrow morning."

Gotta say, the Davids are really playing on the subservient position of droids in this series. They're in serious trouble and Threepio's already thinking about his next master in the event of Luke's death. It's most likely a thought provoking comment on the condition of non-sentient life in the Star Wars universe and, therefore, a hidden analysis of real-world use of artificial intelligence, and the ethical conundrum that programming AI to serve human needs entails.

Or they just hate droids.

If you're the slightest bit worried at our heroes safety, fear not! The miniscule amount of tension they've just built up leads to absolutely nothing. The sandcrawler takes them back to Mos Eisley, and everything's all good. In fact, their current greatest problem is that they don't want to be late for Han's Skyhousewarming party. Why can't other problems wrap up this neatly?

There wasn’t even anyone on duty at the landspeeder rental desk. Luke left a note explaining that, due to a sudden attack by Tusken Raiders, he was forced to leave the landspeeder at the droidfest. He hoped the Tatooine Planetary Insurance Company would cover expenses for getting it back to Mos Eisley. If not, they could bill him on Yavin Four, care of SPIN-the Senate Planetary Intelligence Network.

I get to eat my words here, as it's shown that our heroes problems are not yet conquered. Safety is never truly guaranteed when you're traveling with the Jedi Prince.

But just as Luke, Ken, and the droids were approaching the docking bay where Luke’s Y-wing was parked, two bounty hunters jumped out from the shadows with blasters drawn. The bounty hunters, one of them a Twi’lek alien and the other an Aqualish, sprayed the area with laserfire. Instantly Luke drew his lightsaber and extended its blazing blade.

"Well, well, Luke Skywalker," said the Twi’lek, "just as expected." He wagged his tentacle with anticipation. "Trioculus has offered a reward for Ken, the Jedi Prince. He said he’d be with you!"



Once again, I just love how they're completely ignoring arguably the greatest fugitive of the galaxy, the guy that more or less single-handedly overturned the Imperial regime, for some 12 year old with a silver fetish.

Do any of you remember, a few posts back, when I said that I could remember Luke getting two moments of competence in the series? Here's one of them.

Luke leapt and did a somersault in midair, landing right between the two bounty hunters. They never knew what hit them. Luke swirled in a circle so fast that he was only a blur in the corner of their eyes. His lightsaber struck them both in one swing.

CRASSSSSHH! The bounty hunters hit the ground at the same moment.

Just me, or was that crash sound effect just a tad unnecessary? Probably just me.

Luke advises the group to get a move on, before any of their friends decide to try anything. They board the Y-Wing, Artoo hilariously climbing into the co-pilot seat.

"Set course for Bespin, Artoo," Luke shouted.
"Bzoook!" Artoo beeped.

When they're far enough away from Tatooine, Luke puts his Y-Wing "into hyperdrive" (this really is an alternate universe).

Luke glanced over at Ken. "Do you have any idea why Trioculus is after you?" he asked.

Ken shook his head no.

"That three-eyed dictator practically burned down all the rain forests on Yavin Four trying to find you," Luke went on. "Somehow he found out that you’re traveling with me. He’s even got every bounty hunter in the galaxy on your tail." Luke glanced at Ken’s downcast face. "You must have some idea why he believes you to be such a threat to him."

Ken shook his head no again.

Seems like Luke's getting his inner Hissa on. Gotta love those guys in TV shows that not-so-subtly fill the viewers in on what happened last time: "so, as you know, we're here because..."

"But you do know, Ken," said Chip. "It’s quite irregular for you to hide the truth from an officer of the Rebel Alliance. Especially a commander, like Luke Skywalker, who’s accepted the job of protecting you. Very irregular indeed."

I think someone was just busted. If you ask me, it's no less than he deserves. Maybe if Ken tried being a little nicer to Chip for a change...

After being called out, the little bastard decides to own up to his lie.

Ken swallowed hard. "I’m a threat to Trioculus because I know too much about him."

"Such as?" Luke asked.

"Things I learned in the files of the Jedi Library-back in the Lost City," Ken answered mysteriously. "My droid teacher, Dee-Jay, told me I was not to tell anyone, Commander Skywalker-not even you."

"Not even me?" Luke said in a hurt voice. "What is there that you can’t share with me, your guardian and protector? I take my responsibility to you very seriously."

"I’m sorry, Commander Skywalker," Ken replied. "But if I told you certain things, it would make your life even more dangerous than it already is."

Luke nodded, then clamped a hand on Ken’s shoulder. "I understand, Ken," he said, though he didn’t really understand. But he hoped that, in time, Ken would open up more and decide not to keep any secrets from him.

Well, that was... touching? A nice moment of mutual understanding?

Nah, that was a total bust.




The planet Bespin was located just off the Corellian Trade Route. After Luke downshifted from hyperdrive, he pointed out Bespin’s two largest moons, H’gaard and Drudonna. They were known as The Twins.

From here we get an explanation of Bespin, why Cloud City floats on the clouds (repulsorlift generators dawg), and a brief explanation of the various "levels" of Cloud City. Turns out Lando failed utterly in making a respectable city, and it's just a floating Nar Shadaa. The top level is the beacon of civilization: it's where the casino's, spa's, shops, museums, hotels, and clubs are located. This is mostly where tourists and wealthy gamblers stay. The lower levels, called Port Town, were the resident hive of scum and villainy, filled with filthy bars and industrial docks, and were where the criminals and "sleazy gamblers" lived. I love how the text clearly indicates that gamblers live on both floors.

As Luke docks his Y-Wing, they're met by none other than Governor Lando Calrissian himself.

"Well, look who just dropped in from hyperspace," said Lando, his hands on his hips as he beamed a broad smile. "The Jedi Knight from Tatooine. And you’ve got company with you, Luke. Who’s the short guy?"

"I’m tall for my age," Ken piped up. "They call me Ken."

"And they call me Baron Administrator Calrissian, Governor of Cloud City. But if you’re a friend of Luke’s, you can skip the formalities and call me Lando."

"Pleased to meet you, Lando," Ken said, reaching out to shake his hand.

Few things.

1. Well, he called it "hyperspace" instead of "hyperdrive". That's good, at least.

2. Is "the Jedi Knight from Tatooine" Lando's pet nickname for Luke now?

3. How the hell does Ken know he's tall for his age? By all accounts, he's never even met a kid his age. Unless he's using Chip as a reference.

4. Why, 3 books in, have I still not learned to not over think this series?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I present the main course.

As they spoke, Ken was distracted by a silvery gleam from a hazy, distant cloud. It looked like a building floating in the sky.

"That wouldn’t be Han’s sky house by any chance, would it?" Ken asked, pointing toward what he saw.

"It would indeed," Lando said, grinning. "That faint, black speck in that swirling cloud over there is where Han camps out these days-Han Solo’s personal stomping grounds in the sky."



Huh? Oh, sorry, wrong Skyhouse (RC-1991 is probably the only one who will get this reference)




There it is. That's what I was looking for. This one is much cooler looking, anyway.

As you may note from the picture, there's a brown haze hovering near the Skyhouse (both Skyhouses, I suppose ). Ken notices this as well. This is the oddly subtle introduction of the environmental theme of this book: air pollution. Note, however, that the brown haze appears as an inescapable, almost omnipresent force... but it doesn't dare touch the Skyhouse. The answer to beating air pollution has been Skyhouses all along.

Remember how I said the environmental problem was subtly introduced? Sorry, my mistake.

Ken squinted and tried to pick out more details, but he could scarcely see the house, the air was so brown with haze.

"We call it braze," Lando explained, as if reading Ken’s thoughts. "Short for brown haze.
It’s air pollution. And it’s becoming a serious problem here in Cloud City."

Braze. Catchy, in an instantly nauseating sort of way. They say the best way to save the environment is to come up with catchy enough slogans...



I so love it when other people do my work for me. I don't need to come up with a joke to go with this image. It's all there in the URL. IT'S A BIRD. IT'S A PLANE. IT'S A MOTHER ******** SKY HOUSE.

*Takes a deep breath*

*Finds one deep breath is not enough*

*Hyperventilates*

*Found dead next morning. Died happy, having fulfilled lifelong dream of seeing the Sky House.*

Lando leads his entourage towards "a fleet of sky convertibles". Calling all fleet junkies?

On their way, Threepio gets to act high and mighty for once.

"Highly irregular to have brown air on a planet such as this," Chip commented.

"I certainly agree," Threepio added. "It’s fortunate we droids aren’t organic creatures. At least we don’t have to breathe this discolored, chemical-ridden atmosphere."

Fair warning, Chip. Say "irregular" one more time and I swear I'm going to roll you up in a carpet, toss you off the Skyhouse porch and count how long it takes for you to stop screaming.

As is custom for a Jedi Prince book, the authors make a traveling scene, something that can be very boring in unskilled hands, and make them informative and interesting. How do they do this? By going into greater detail on environmental issues.

"What causes the braze, Lando?" Ken asked.

"If you’re looking for somebody to blame it on, blame Trioculus-the power-mad tyrant who’s now running the Empire. Trioculus has stepped up war production on a huge factory barge floating on the liquid core of this planet."

"You mean on the Rethin Sea?" Ken asked.

"Bright kid," Lando said, shooting a glance at Luke. Then Lando looked back at Ken. "The Rethin Sea is full of rare metals and Tibanna gas," Lando continued, "and Trioculus is mining them to make Imperial war machines in his factories down below. He gets his mass-produced ion cannons, and we get stuck with the smelly braze."

Lando sighed. "I sent him two messages asking him politely to please shut down and go away. But Trioculus doesn’t understand the word ’polite.’ He told me if I ask him again, he’ll invade Cloud City and take us over."

There's so much wrong with this that I'm not even going to begin. Moving on...

Lando lends them his spiffy green sky convertible (everything is better when it's in the SKY), and tells them to have a good time at Han's party.

"Aren’t you going to the party with us, Lando?" Luke asked.

"Later. Tell Han I’ll be by in a few hours." Lando pointed toward a tall building-the Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino. "I’ve got some police business to check on. A greasy little Rodian alien has a new system for cheating at the card game of sabacc, and he’s trying to break the bank at Holiday Towers again."

Greasy little Rodian? I'm certainly not Rodian, and can't even think of a Rodian character I like, but even I'm offended at that.

This, my friends, is the moment we've been waiting for. I want to take a moment to thank you all for your remarkable patience. I know it isn't easy to be given a front view of Heaven's Gate and to be told not to touch it. To have the meaning of existence dangled playfully in front of you, while you can only sit and stare. You are about to be rewarded a thousand fold.

I mentioned it in my very first summary post. Now, the waiting is over. I give you the mother ******* Skyhouse.

At Han’s private cloud the spectacular housewarming party was already in full swing. A true intergalactic affair, there was dancing, music, friendly conversation, and plenty of zoochberry juice.

BYOZJ?


The floating sky mansion was filled with humans, aliens, and droids, all bumping into one another’s elbows, claws, fins, flippers, and metal arms.

In the Skyhouse, everyone gets to party. The Skyhouse doesn't care what you read or what you wear, it just wants you to join together. Even if you're a droid. That alone should express the majesty of the Skyhouse if it allows droids to stop being slaves for a moment and just have some fun.

In the center, the most comfortable chair ever designed-a sort of gigantic floating pillow-was reserved for the guest of honor, Princess Leia. Her eyes were closed for the moment, letting the gentle rocking motion relax her and help her for a few moments to forget her worries about SPIN’s plans and secret projects.

The Skyhouse is truly a wondrous place. It has the most comfortable chair ever designed. It let's miss-ignore-Jedi-training-and-my-children-for-work-Organa forget about her work and just bask in the radiance and serenity of the Skyhouse. Zoochberry juice in hand, aboard the most comfortable chair ever designed, she can allow Leia the soldier, Leia the politician, Leia the environmentalist to drift away. In the Skyhouse, Leia can be herself for the first time in years.

Beneath Leia’s floating chair, Han was playing the role of a busy host, making sure that everyone’s zoochberry glasses were full, and catching up with his buddies from his home planet, most of whom were bachelor Corellian cargo pilots. One by one he introduced everyone to Princess Leia.

Look at ol' Han. Under normal circumstances, in a normal environment, he'd never be the type to carry a pitcher of Zoochberry juice around to refill drinks or introduce his girlfriend to all of his old drinking buddies. It should be noted, however, that the Skyhouse cannot change the nature of a man. It can only bring the best of what that man has to the surface. In the Skyhouse, a man does not find salvation or enlightenment, at least not in the way we would think: in the Skyhouse, a man simply finds himself.

Meanwhile, Admiral Ackbar, the sad-eyed Calamarian fishman, stood in front of the band and talked on and on about the military strategy that helped win the Battle of Endor for the Rebel Alliance. But nobody was paying much attention to Admiral Ackbar-especially when Han began to open his housewarming gifts.

That's right. ACKBAR IS BACK! Excuse me, I must report this to my superior officers.

Captain Instandeath: "Sir, you asked to be informed upon any sighting of Admiral Ackbar. Here is the full report. I believe you shall find it most satisfactory"
AdmiralNick22: "Excellent. You shall be well rewarded for this."
"Thank you, sir. I live to serve."
*Nick begins to read the report, and as he does so his beaming smile gradually lessens, until it becomes an indignant scowl*
"Sir? Is there a problem?"
"A problem? Tell me, captain, do you take me for a fool?"
"Sir?"
"Answer the question."
"I- erm- I- of course not, sir. Why would you ever think that?"
"I see. Then perhaps you can tell me why I shouldn't have you killed where you stand."
"What?! But sir, why?"
"I ask again: do you take me for a fool?"
"I- but sir, I did exactly as you ordered!"
"I asked for Ackbar, captain. This... thing bears no resemblance to Admiral Ackbar."
"I-"
"He's a fishman, I'll grant them that much, but the resemblance ends there. Do you believe I'm that easily pleased? That I'll accept just any one-dimensional stand in as Ackbar based on nothing more than a shared name? The Calamari I ate for dinner last night has more in common with Ackbar than this pathetic, antiquated fishman!
"W-with all due respect, sir, you only asked for Ackbar and I-... I gave you Ackbar."
"Say it with me, captain: Admiral Ackbar is not long winded.
"Admiral Ackbar is n-not long winded."
"Indeed. But this abomination is."
"Sir, I... I was only following orders."
"You may eagerly excuse incompetence, captain. I do not. You have failed me, as you have failed the JCC Empire, for the last time."
"Sir, please! I-ack-please... have a family... can't... breathe..."

Wait... I think I'm getting my lit moderators mixed up...

Every few minutes Han had to jump up and run to the kitchen to check on the gourmet feast he was cooking on his nanowave stove. Then Chewbacca put on a chef’s apron and took over the cooking, so Han could dance with Princess Leia. The band knew all of Han’s favorite Corellian folk dances. Han even taught Leia how to do the Space Pirate Boogie.

And so the party continues, as do the stunning revelations. Chewbacca can cook! Apparently without getting wookiee hair in the food! Space Pirate Boogie!

If you're waiting for me to post that Kinect Star Wars Han Solo dance, keep waiting.

When they were both out of breath and laughing from dancing so hard, Han asked the band to play "Sweet Lady from Alderaan." He thought it would make Leia happy, because Alderaan was her home planet. But instead it brought tears to her eyes as she remembered how the Empire had used the Death Star to blow the entire planet of Alderaan to pieces.

Smooth move, Han. Next you'll be telling Luke how much of a creep that Ben Kenobi guy was.

Yes, the Skyhousewarming party is a time of much celebration and joy. In the hands of a lesser author, that would be enough. But over the course of three books, we've come to expect more from the Davids, a certain level of quality and insight that isn't present in other works. They've taught us that it's possible to have fun and be environmentally conscious at the same time.

Then Leia started coughing. "Are you all right, Princess?" Han asked, worriedly. "It’s the braze," she said. "The air pollution on Bespin seems to be getting worse."

And, to take things completely full circle, the magic of the Skyhouse that's used to illustrate an environmental point once again becomes a way to illustrate the magic of the Skyhouse.


"Chewie," Han shouted, poking his head into the kitchen. "Turn up the power on the repulsorlifts. Take the house up another hundred feet or so. The air will be cleaner up there . ."

"Grooowwwrrr!" Chewie agreed, reaching for the repulsorlift controls over by the wide window that looked out on the brown sky.

I think the Skyhouse just kicked air pollutions scrawny ass.

The Davids also use this opportunity to do some more personal character exploration: in this case, Han and his tendency towards isolationism.

"Han, you can’t spend the rest of your life here going up higher and higher in the sky, trying to get away from the braze," Leia said. "That’s just running away from the problem."

"Well, that’s the code we Corellians live by," Han said with a laugh. "If you can’t do anything about the problem, run!"

"It’s not funny, Han," she replied. "What will you do when you get up so high that the air is too thin to breathe?"

Han shrugged. "I guess I’ll worry about that day when it comes. And until then-how about another dance, Princess?"

That wasn't excruciatingly painful to read. Not at all.

We get some latecomers, as Luke, Ken, Chip, Kate, Artoo and Threepio finally arrive.

When the hugs and hellos were over, Luke introduced Han to his housewarming gift. Han was overwhelmed. He asked Kate to demonstrate some of her modern housecleaning techniques. "Of course, Master Han," said Kate. "Do you see that stain way up in that corner of the ceiling?"

Han squinted and noticed the mark.

Kate fired a vaporizing beam from her fingertip. The stain instantly disintegrated. "A small sample of my many skills," said Kate. "But I’m best at washing dishes, cleaning windows, and restoring stained carpets."

"Incredible," Han said, proudly putting his hands on his hips.

New revelation: before this moment, I did not know the meaning of "excruciatingly painful".

But it just won't stop.

Kate seemed to think just as highly of Han.

"You’re the most handsome Corellian cargo pilot I’ve ever met," Kate said.
"Now don’t get jealous, Leia," Han said with a mischievous grin. "Looks like you’ll have to get used to the fact that I’ll be living with another woman from now on.

"As long as she’s a droid with metallic microcircuits, I think I can keep my jealousy under control," Leia replied, with an equally mischievous grin.




As everyone got swept up in the excitement of the party again, Admiral Ackbar tried to snare Ken. He thought Ken would be a good audience for his war stories of how the Rebel Alliance blew up the Empire’s Death Stars. But Ken tricked Threepio and Artoo-Detoo into keeping Ackbar company, while he and Chip ducked away to tour the house with Princess Leia.

This was covered waaaaay back in the thread. Refer to that if you have any interest in Ken's shattered future.

Ken and Leia are on the Skypatio (yesssss), and as usual, Ken can't find anything more productive to do than bitch and moan. This time, it's that the view is ruined by all the braze. Leia, in her way of telling him to shut up, gives him a special pair of microbinoculars Han had received as a Skyhousewarming present, one that can see for miles and miles, and tells him to try looking through them.

Ken raised the macrobinoculars to his eyes and looked out the window. Suddenly, in spite of the braze, the view was incredibly clear. Ken could now see all the details of the distant skyline. Then he spotted a bell-shaped space vehicle approaching Cloud City.

"Hmmmmm. That’s really unusual, Princess Leia. I think I see a Huttian spaceship," Ken
said.

"How do you know it’s a Huttian spaceship?" Chip asked, as Luke came over beside them.

"Because I’ve studied spaceship designs back home," Ken said, lowering the macrobinoculars so he could see Luke. "It’s shaped like a bell with a big door. It’s large enough for a big, fat Hutt to get in or out."

"That’s very strange," said Leia. "The Hutts almost never come to Cloud City anymore."

"Why not?" Ken asked.

"They used to come here all the time," Luke explained. "That was when Jabba the Hutt was alive and owned the Holiday Towers Hotel and Casino. But ever since Jabba died and Cloud City took over Holiday Towers, all the free-spending Hutt gamblers stopped coming here. They felt they weren’t very welcome anymore."

"Here, take a look," Ken offered.

"Thanks," Luke said, taking the macrobinoculars.

Luke flipped a small button on the side of the macrobinoculars. Now they were powerfulenough for him to read even the name on the side of the spaceship: Zorba Express.

Commentary:

 

You sir, are awarded my highest possible medal. The Platinum Ackbar, with seaweed clusters. In addition, in my official capacity as Fleet Admiral of Literature and a founding Fleet Junkie, I grant you the rank of captain and your choice of starship. Oh, and a plate of fried calamari. That stuff is too good to not share.

--Adm. Nick