Lions and tigers and padawans, oh my!

HA HA
I've tried for the last five minutes to describe this story, and have not gotten past the first word without bursting into
the laughter of the insane! great work!!!

 

[This message has been edited by Wampasmak (edited 04-09-2000).]

 

Though I would never trust myself to write a whole part of this great story, I think I CAN stir the pot a little...
*********************************************

The Coruscant zoo was maddness. Pure maddness. It was supposed to be closed, but no employee had had the time to close it. Thankfully, most people had been smart enough to have left already. All manner of chaos roamed the pathways. Things could not get any worse. Meanwhile, outside, the sun had slowly begun to sink below the horizon. Finally, it disappered altogether, and night was upon them.

Things got worse.

*********************************************
HeHeHe...

 

[This message has been edited by Wampasmak (edited 04-09-2000).]

 

Oh, but whatever happened to the chained-up naturalists? *giggle*

 

I didn't even know Barbara Woodhouse was known outside of the UK!I'm glad you all seemed to recognise the reference, anyway, although please note that the soiling of pants whilst reading this story is not obligatory! As a true Scot, I will not be paying for anyone's laundry bills!
******************

They sat there. Waiting.

The sky was getting very dark. Qui-Gon looked around him at his several companions. Jay Abran, as subdued as the Jedi master had ever seen him. Kylenn, who had her eyes closed either through sheer exhaustion or simply saying a silent prayer for their salvation. Jemmiah sat shivering next to him, feeling the effects of what he could only describe as a momentous day. Dotted all around were Kylenn?s five initiates, looking smaller and more vulnerable than their few precious years. The Wookie was only young, but the branch he was sat upon was almost bending under his weight.

And down below, Abran?s initiates circled the tree they were sat in.

Yoda would know all about the whole fiasco by now. There would be little point in trying to cover up the series of mishaps that had beset them since their arrival at the zoo as Yoda would soon see through any deception. He knew Qui-Gon of old.

He thought through the whole grizzly affair. Primarily, he was most concerned how they were going to get back to the temple, but if he were honest at the back of his mind was the perpetual worry over his padawan and his former ward. There was more to this matter than met the eye, and Qui-Gon had the sneaking feeling that Mace was involved somewhere along the line. And if he HAD been helping the two of them to meet in secret?

Jinn dismissed the annoyance he felt rise within him. Anger would do no good. Anyway, he had no proof. Yet.

Jemmiah was staring off into the sky. Evla would be getting worried by now. And what about Ben and Simeon? Surely they must be looking for them?

?SOMEONE must be looking for us.? She said in a quiet voice. She hadn?t really meant to say it out loud. Qui-Gon looked at her.
?You should rest. We may be here sometime.?
?Why?? She got angry. ?You?re s?posed to be a Jedi master. Why don?t you do something??
?I?m open to suggestions.?
?They?re only kids, for Siths sake.?
?Those kids pulled off and ate one of your boots.? Qui-Gon replied pointedly.
?Yeah. Won?t be reimbursed for them, will I?? She sulked.

Silence flooded the wooded area, save for the strange cawing and growling of unidentified creatures. The tension that filled the dusky sky was palpable. Just when he thought she?d calmed down, she surprised him by snatching at her other boot, jerking it off her foot and wielding it in her left hand. He saw a flash of pain on her face, superseded quickly by fury.

?Infact,? she yelled at the initiates below, ?you might as well have the other one seeing as how you?ve got such a taste for leather!? The remaining boot was hurled out of the tree, followed by a whining sound as it hit one of the kids bellow.

?Jemmiah!? Qui-Gon replied sharply and grabbed hold of her arm. ?Sit back down.?
?Yes, why not?? She assumed a mock-carefree attitude. ?After all, there?s nothing else to do is there??
?Is she all right?? Abran mouthed.
?What is the matter with you?? Qui-Gon?s voice rose in desperation.
?What?s the matter?? She let incredulity bleed into her Corellian accent. ?It?s fast approaching night, there?s a bunch of lupine Sithspawn chomping it?s way through my wardrobe and I?m stuck up a tree with a load of crazy people who can?t even walk into a zoo without getting arrested for kidnapping or forming dubious attachments to furry animals!?
?Or chaining people to railings on top of ant hills.? Jinn shot back.

Jemmiah didn?t have an answer.

She sat herself back down; taking pains to be mindful of her injured ribs and refusing to look at him. ?People go mad when they?re stuck together for prolonged periods of time. You read about it everyday. They end up going peculiar and eating each other.?
?That?s not likely, is it.? Qui-Gon added somewhat tartly. What sort of mother was she going to make if she kept carry

 

WhoooHoooo, this is great. Please post more soon.

 

If this post is a little on the short side, please forgive me. My sister spent the night hogging my PC and I couldn?t get anything done! Lorraine, I hope you?re feeling guilty!!!
*****************

An-Paj considered that it might be a worthwhile, and financially rewarding experience if he wrote his memoirs. Today?s events would figure prominently.

Padawan?s Kenobi and Cates had, after a considerable struggle, been carried back towards the direction of the transport; in Kenobi?s case with great discomfort. He had a Biwacalla egg-sized lump on his head caused by being dropped by the initiates during their journey and a nasty nettle rash on the side of his face. The green tinge to his skin was visible, but nowhere near as pronounced as that of Simeon. He was also ranting about being stabbed in the side by a pin-wielding maniac, and for some unknown reason had nearly passed out in fear when An-Paj had produced a thermometer to take his temperature.

That one always did have a phobia about healers, An-Paj thought, which was hardly surprising considering the amount of time he?d spent in their company. Starved, beaten, tortured, half-drowned, burned, gassed, flayed?and that had been before the boy had turned eighteen. Sometimes An-Paj thought that Kenobi was on a one-man mission to single handedly deplete the galaxy of its Bacta supplies.

Cates had been mercifully asleep from virtually the moment they?d found him. Mercifully for everyone else, that was. He was a very dark shade of green, something the healer felt extremely guilty about. Sandolomide was powerful stuff if you used it in extreme doses. It could trigger violent mood swings and personality changes within moments, and the hallucinations that the two padawan?s had experienced were fairly classic symptoms of Sandolomide poisoning. An-Paj knew that the best way of relieving them both of the symptoms was not a pleasant one, but a necessary evil all the same. Kenobi was not going to be too pleased to wake up in the hospital having had his stomach pumped AGAIN.

And the fault was arguably Dimallie?s on both of the occasions. He hoped she never got the chance to visit him in the ward, as Kenobi was a legendary aim with a bedpan?

Simeon had woken up only once on their journey back, when a Firvad-Screamer Monkey Squirrel had jumped on him whilst the initiates had stopped for a break in their exertions. It had started doing rather obscene and unspeakable things to the apprentice?s leg, but Cates had either seemed to enjoy the experience or be too exhausted to care. And the initiates were fortunately too young to understand what was going on.

Darkness had descended rather quickly. Despite his best efforts to contact Masters Jinn and Windu, neither responded to his calls on their comlink frequencies. And something strange was happening in this place. All the enclosures seemed to be bereft of animals. Probably had something to do with the fact they were all outside perpetrating acts of dubious moral standards against helpless, inebriated padawans.

One of the initiates had been sick. This had triggered off virtually every one of the kids to do likewise, until the pathway that they had walked over was a veritable trail of vomit. It had set Kenobi off, and that had NOT been pretty, considering what he?d had to drink. And so it had continued for the last ten minutes. Kenobi was in a rather sorry state. His color was poor, his head was thumping and there was sick hanging on his braid. Qui-Gon would have been deeply unhappy with his padawan?s appearance had he been there to see it. He?d have got him treatment at the healers initially and then when he was sufficiently recovered he would have killed him. Just ever so slightly.

Something strange was happening to Master Yoda. An-Paj wasn?t sure what to make of it, as the ageing Jedi master didn?t exactly move with fluidity at the best of times, but it did appear as if he were just a little on the rigid side. He seemed to walk with his knees straight, and his skin seemed somewhat stretched to look at, as if tightened over a drum.

Cu

 

"Kenobi is on a one man mission to single handedly deplete the galaxy of it's bacta supplies"- poor Obi(but so true!)LOL!

 

ROFLOL

"Kenobi had a legendary aim at throwing bedpans."

ROFLOL
That is SOOO hilarious.

 

Jemmiah, you did it again! I loved An-Paj's opinion of things, and the way he thinks Qui-Gon would kill Obi-Wan "just ever so slightly." Wonderful!

 

Yes, 'ever so slightly' sums it up neatly. Gotta love healers!!!!

http://www.geocities.com/blond_engineer/wolfmoon2.jpg --LD

 

?Stop it!?

Kylenn tried her best to control her small group of initiates, but it was proving exceedingly difficult as time passed by with all the swiftness of a speeding slug. The word games had long been exhausted, as had everyone?s vocal cords. The darker it became, the more tired the adults got. Conversely, the children were wide-awake and bouncing around. Not that long ago they had been terrified, not to mention nearly devoured during a rather too close encounter of the reptilian kind, but now it was seemingly forgotten in the excitement of being allowed out after dark.

?I warned you before,? Kylenn reiterated, ?No swinging about on the branches. It?s dangerous.?

A small chorus of grumbles echoed in reply. She sighed in irritation. At the start of the day she would have been most people?s favorite padawan. A soft touch. Easily persuaded. Now, she had turned into a hard-brow ogre. So much for asserting ones self.

Jay Abran was still asleep, snoring lightly. That had kept the initiates amused for the best part of ten minutes. Master Jinn was not asleep, but he had his arm round Jemmiah?s shoulder whilst he tried to help work on healing her ribs. What a cute couple they made, Kylenn laughed to herself. If only Obi-Wan could see her curled up in his master?s lap! Abran could roll his eyes and jump to all the conclusions he wanted, but Kylenn refused to read anything into it. Except that they looked a heck of a lot more friendly than they used to be?

?Will you cut that out!? She hissed at the Wookie Zibacca. He looked shamefaced. ?I can?t get comfortable.? He complained.
?I thought Wookies were used to trees.? Kylenn responded.
?You call this a tree?? Zibacca snuffled miserably. ?It?s a stunted weed compared to where I come from. My bottom keeps hanging over the branch!?
?Them you?d best stop jiggling around, hadn?t you??

Qui-Gon opened his eyes. He?d been listening to the strained conversation whilst concentrating on the healing, and decided that there were some frayed nerves that needed mending, too.

?Why don?t we try a word association game?? He offered.
?Yeah!? Chorused the little ones, trying to arrange themselves so that they could best see and hear to take part.
?Right, then.? Jinn said. ?I?ll start first, shall I??
He looked about him. ?Tree.?
?Kashyyyk.? Answered the Wookie, whose turn it was. He then promptly burst into tears of homesickness.
?Good call, Master Jinn.? Jemmiah muttered, eyes still closed.
?I?ll start.? Kylenn said hurriedly. ?Er?Grass.?
?Green.? Replied one of the human initiates.
?Yoda.? Shouted the ET.
?Stick.? Drawled Jemmiah.
?Wood.? Qui-Gon smiled.
?Tree.? Kylenn repeated.
?Kashyyyk.? Bawled the Wookie, in tears of hysteria.

Qui-Gon blew out a long breath.

?Let?s try another, shall we? How about?water.?
?Rain.? Jemmiah said.
?Storm.? Kylenn smiled.
?Thunder.? The Wookie snuffled.
?Lightening.? The Et said.
?Tree-strike.? Replied Jemmiah under her breath, a wicked tone to her voice. She didn?t have to open her eyes to know that Master Jinn was regarding her with disapproval.
?Sorry, what was that?? Qui-Gon?s voice had taken on a slight edge.
?I said electricity.?
?That?s what I thought you said.? Qui-Gon nodded.
?It?s your turn Kylenn.?
?Oh. Er..Steam.?
?Cloud.?
?Snow.?
?Hoth.?
?Wampa.?
?Eaten-alive.? Jemmiah smiled.

There was an uncomfortable pause.

?Someone?s in a morbid mood tonight.? Qui-Gon remarked.
?It?s the company I keep.? She groaned, as a stab of pain went down her ribs.
?Try and keep still.? He instructed her.

?Let?s start that one again. Water.?
?Droplet.?
?River.?
?Flood.?
?Torrent.?
?Monsoon.?

One of the initiates who had been listening put his hand up.
?Yes??
?I need to go to the fresher.?
?That?s with all your talk of water.? Snickered Jemmiah.
?Look, try and join in with our game. It?ll help take your mind off things.?
?You hope.? Jemmiah said.
?Where were we??
?Monsoon.? Qui-Gon said.
?Er... Waterfall.? Kylenn stumbled.
?Drowning.? Jemmiah replied.

The initiates were looking really uncomfortable. Qui-Gon tapped her gently on the arm. ?Behave.?
?Start again.?

 

Jemmiah come back, post more. I just can't seem to get enough of this thread!

 

ROFLOL!!!! rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif rolleyes.gif

This is fabulous. I can't believe the sort of humor pieces people around here can come up with!!
cool.gif cool.gif cool.gif

 

OMG! I jsut found this and I want to say something intelligent, but I'm laughing too d@mn hard! I am ROTFLMAO!!!!!

 

Me too, LadyHawke !

I nearly forgot to get my children home from school, I was enjoying this so much. Haven't laughed so hard in absolutely ages!

Thanks

 

This is entirely too distracting. I should be working on my final project, or the report for it, or the take home test that's due today, or studying for finals, or getting my new pair of glasses, or writing my own fanfic, but, alas, this story is far too entertaining to pass up for even a single day.
http://www.angelfire.com/mb/tle/smile/lol.gif http://www.angelfire.com/mb/tle/smile/laugh.gif

[This message has been edited by R2RUOK (edited 04-11-2000).]

 

::wiping tears:: Ohhh, stop it! No, don't. This is sooo funny! It's bad for those of us who should be studying for finals, though! Post more!!!

 

(Blushes)

Thanks for all the kind words. But I'm splitting the praise down the middle with everyone who's contributed so far; especially those who invented there own characters and have let me run riot with them. And in particular to Kylenn and Jane Jinn. I hope I'm looking after your "babies" OK. I really should have asked to borrow An-Paj, shouldn't I? Sorry Jane! Hope you don't mind too much. I'll have to write an Obi-Torture story in penance when I've finished this!
******************

Hours didn?t fly past. Minutes loitered with intent, and then loitered some more. Father time was dragging his heals with a stubbornness only the extremely impatient seemed to recognise.

I wish I were back home in the temple, thought Kylenn somewhat morosely. A proper bed to sleep in. A chance to change out of these robes and shower. A drink of warm milk with Alderaanian Cinnamon sprinkled on the top. My Master will be beside herself with worry! How on Coruscant do explain this away?

I wish I knew how to deal with this little ?situation? between my padawan and Jemmiah, thought Qui-Gon bleakly. Part of me is dreading the disruption this is going to bring to all our lives. Bringing up a child is not a responsibility to be taken likely. The personal sacrifices are tremendous; in fact she probably doesn?t even appreciate the hard work and long term commitment required in looking after another being. Has she ever committed herself to anything long term? Does she even LIKE children? What sort of mother will she make? More to the point, what sort of father is my padawan going to make?

Sith! What sort of stand in grandfather am I going to make?

I wish this tree were bigger, whined the Wookie to himself.

I wish Obi-Wan were here so that we could discuss his irresponsibility, Qui-Gon bit his lip.

Jemmiah opened an eye and stared at Jay Abran.
I wish someone would get him castrated, she thought.

Abran had unfortunately woken up some twenty minutes ago. The sleep that Master Jinn had induced may very well have been a little on the strong side from his point of view, but for Jemmiah the peace and quiet had been a gift from the Gods. She didn?t like the way he kept looking at her and smiling that insufferably cheeky smile. The one that meant he was up to no good, or at the least planning to be up to no good.
I wish I knew what he was planning, she frowned. If he so much as pinches my rear?

I wonder if the child will have his green-blue eyes or her copper ones, Qui-Gon mused.

I think I?m going to be sick again, Jemmiah thought queasily.

It?s bound to inherit the reddish brown hair, seeing they both have that colouring, Qui-Gon made his mind up.

I wish that Wookie wouldn?t shuffle about so much, Kylenn grimaced. He?s bending and shaking the tree about something terrible.

Actually, it might not be so bad. I think I could get used to be a grandfather, Qui-Gon smiled.

I wish I wasn?t so hungry, the ET and his companions sighed collectively.

From out of the silence there came a sudden snap! Followed by the merest hint of a rustle of a plasti-packet. All ears became instantly alert.
?Master Jinn, I?m beginning to hear things.? Whimpered Zibacca the Wookie.
?Me too,? Kylenn groaned. ?I thought I heard the sound of someone opening a packet of chips.?

Despite all efforts to tell his stomach to obey, Qui-Gon felt his own body telling himself he needed to eat, rather more loudly than he thought was becoming the dignity of a Jedi Master.
?That happens sometimes when people are hungry.? He responded. ?But I?m afraid in our case it?s definitely wishful thinking. I know for a fact that if anyone here actually HAD any food, they would do the decent thing and share it out. Wouldn?t they??
?Yes master.? Came back several reluctant voices at once.
?Good.? Qui-Gon nodded his approval. ?I?m glad to see you?re all so fair. Honesty is a very important part of the Jedi code. Without it we would?actually, I think I can smell chips, too!?
?Uuurghh!? Jemmiah squeezed her eyes shut even tighter. ?I thought we had a deal. You said we would NOT mention food.?
?

 

You didn't need to ask permission from me for An-Paj! I'm not one of his six wives, you know. But I just love what you've done with him. You've made him so human, so delightful, so much better than I could do. Keep on! I love reading this, every word!

Still, if you really feel the need to write an Obi-Torture story, I will be more than ready to read and enjoy it! In fact, hurry up!

 

Jemmiah Thank you!!

You're doing a fabulous job with my "baby" [although she's more your baby now. I just tossed her in, you did all the work!! ]and I'm tickled that my poor padawan could be part of such a great story! If you see a place for her in any of your other stories I give you full permission to write her in however you want.

 

This is sooooooo funny! Please post more soon!

 

Hysterical, too hysterical. Jemmiah, you and your humor threads are the highlight of my day.

http://www.geocities.com/blond_engineer/wolfmoon2.jpg --LD

 

Uuurggh...I'm dying, guys. Tonsillitis. Obi-Wan is having his revenge and has hidden my throat medication in an effort to torture me. Where's An-Paj when you need him?

That's the bad news. The good news is that I'm off work, so more time to write and watch TPM. In a research capacity, you understand.

No. My mother didn't believe that one either.
*************************

?Can?t we stop him from doing that??

Bai tried to recall Mace Windu, THE Mace Windu, respected Jedi Master and Council member that everyone knew and admired. Then he tried to reconcile that memory with the image in front of his eyes, and found that he couldn?t.

As he was speaking, Master Windu was running back and forth, arms bent into stumpy wings that he flapped vigorously up and down, making the most disturbing duck noises it had ever been Bai?s misfortune to witness. To add to the embarrassment, he had placed an enormous spray of fern in his buttock cleavage to represent a tail?

?Master Windu??
?QUACK!?
?Please say something other than quack.?
?QUACK??
?That?s not helping me.?
?Quack-Quack??
?No. It?s not.?

Pause.

?It?s getting really dark. We need to find Master Jinn!?
?Quack-Quack-Quack-Quack-Qqqqqquack!?
?Sorry. I didn?t catch that.? Dylain the keeper put a hand up against his ear.
?He says he needs to preen his feathers.? Bai translated.
?Oh.?
?Quack-Quack?Quack-Quack-Quack.? Windu added, trying to fan out his fern tail. ?Quack.?
?This is getting ridiculous.?
Mace stopped flapping his arms and stared at Bai. ?QUACK!?
?Oh, shut your beak!?

Suddenly, Windu darted towards a large patch of leaves, settling himself down with meticulous care. The caltrop-shaped device was still embedded in his rear.

?Where does he think he?s going?? Bai was almost ready to tear out his spiky hair.
?I think he wants to lay an egg.? Dylain replied.
?Quack!? said Windu.
?Hope it?s a square one.? Muttered Bai.
**********************

By some miracle, neither Jemmiah nor Jay Abran had fallen right to the ground.

The lowest branches had caught both of them on the way down, breaking both their falls to a certain extent. Abran had put out his arms to help slow him down, and had been impaled in the hand for his trouble by a sharp twig. Jemmiah had gotten herself jammed between a sharp fork in a branch, but close enough to see the little Sith hounds of Abran?s suddenly come back to wakeful bloodlust in a matter of moments. They already had her boots, how much more did they want?

She didn?t want to admit it, but she was scared. Heights were never her thing. More than she hated heights, she hated the idea of falling from them. When the branch had creaked under the combined weight of herself and Master Jinn, she had become momentarily petrified with fear. This time, she didn?t dare move. Her ribs felt as if they were on fire.

?Owwww!? Abran yelped as he examined his injury. ?Gods, I?m bleeding!?
?Quit bleating, will ya.? Jemmy replied weakly.
?But my hand has a hole in it!?
?It?ll match the one in your head, then.? She muttered.
?I could be scarred for life!?
?If you don?t shut up, I?ll do it personally!?

?Keep still, both of you.? Master Jinn shouted from above.
?He says the most idiotic things at times.? Jemmiah groaned. ?What does he think we?re going to do, play a game of Bolo ball??
?There?s a big piece of wood the size of Master Yoda?s cane sticking out of my hand!? gibbered Abran.
?You men. Always like to over-estimate the size of things.? Jemmiah retorted, craning her neck to see. ?Show me.?
He held his hand out, supported by its trembling counterpart.
?That?s nothing more than a spail.? She sniffed dismissively.
?What sort of woodwork classes did you go to?? Abran wailed. ?My hand?s hanging off!?

Below, the initiates that were once in Jay Abran?s charge circled the tree once more. Odd, thought Jemmiah, that the only time they had calmed down was when they were playing those silly word games. It was almost as if they had been listening?

She had an idea.

?Hey, doggies!? She shouted down to the initiates.
?GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!?
?We?re going to play a little ga