Saga Saga - ST Lost in the Everywhere | 1st Q 2024 OC Challenge | FOS Fic

Title: Lost in the Everywhere
Author: Kit'
Characters: Estra D'ladame, F'kisi Plum, Nicco D'ladame, Zalllie Jinn, Bryer D'ladame (née Ducat), Del D'ladame, Kithera (Rin) Rinani
Timeframe: 22BBY
Summary: It's not fair that all of Estra's siblings feel the Force when she cannot. Having grown up in the shadow of the Mukdah, a Force-eater, Estra's connection was severed long ago, and she's never really known the touch of the Force, nor the power that it can bring. That severed connection should have meant that she was safe when they landed on the planet Ruusan, but the Force has other plans...
Challenge Response: 1Q OC Challenge for 2024 - Your character encounters something they can't explain. Whether it's the Force, advanced technology, a baffling reaction from a friend, or another thing entirely, what do they do when faced with it?

Spoiler: Links to other stories

FOS
Season of the Slave
Briar and the Rose

1001 ways to see the Force (coming soon)

 

Chapter 1 - Beginning

“Look at this!” Zallie stood on the gangplank of the Ducissa, her hands outstretched in front of her. Beyond her, through the open door the landscape shimmered; lavender and gold under the early morning sun. Estra walked down to stand beside her sister, and breathed deeply taking in the smell of the heath that grew abundantly across the rocky mountains. Behind her she could hear her brother Nicco shifting as he took it all in. The wind seemed to dance around her, blowing away the last traces of fog from where it clung to the low lying bushes.

“Why are we here again?” Estra asked. It was beautiful, but the sharp edge of irritation that she’d felt the moment they’d landed on Ruusan wouldn’t quite let her just enjoy it. She felt F’kisi’s broad hands on her shoulders, looked up and smiled at him. He kissed the top of her head and she settled back against his chest. He pointed out across the heather.

“Somewhere down there,” he said, and she could feel the deep baritone of his voice rumble in his chest as he talked. “Is a bunch of ruins. I found it mentioned in one of those old star charts that we picked up.”

“Stole,” Estra corrected. She had no idea why the euphemism annoyed her so much, but then again almost everything had annoyed her since they’d landed. “We stole it. We weren’t even meant to steal it. Zallie-” she stared pointedly at her sister - “said the Weave told her to pick it up. Star charts that no-one would buy.”

Zallie shrugged, seemingly unperturbed. “I’m not going to ignore the Weave,” she said, and wriggled her fingers through the air as if making patterns. “Mama always tells us not to ignore what the Force says.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Estra muttered under her breath. F’kisi’s hands squeezed her shoulders again and she felt herself relax slightly.

“Seeing as the Universe is going a bit sideways,” he continued, ignoring the interruption. “With the war between the Republic and the Separatists and the whole universe seeming to go a bit sideways. I figured we should check it out just in case we need an escape.”

“We already have the Bower,” Estra said, frowning. Her skin was starting to feel like it didn’t fit properly, as if parts of it were too tight.

“I didn’t say we were moving here,” F’kisi said gently and squeezed her shoulders again. “I just want to see if it’ll make a good bolt hole. The galaxy is large, and I want to make sure that we have somewhere to go if we end up in trouble and there’s no way back to the Bower.”

Estra made a face. It wasn’t like F’kisi to suggest something like this without good reason. She wondered what he’d heard through his own giant, extended family, and his Aunt Eena’s connections in the Senate.

“Fine,” Eena grumbled, she tried to push away the irritation that was bubbling inside of her. She had no reason to be annoyed. What F’kisi had said was perfectly reasonable, and part of understood that, but a larger part was chafing against everything. It was as if the entire planet had set her teeth on edge.”We should get going then.”

F’kisi squeezed her shoulders once more and then moved away with Nicco to gather the bags.

“It’s so beautiful here,” Zallie said quietly. “The most beautiful place in the galaxy.”

“I’m not sure I would go that far,” Estra said, raising an eyebrow. THe light that streamed in through the open access hatch was starting to hurt her eyes. “It looks like very pretty heather.”

“No, the weave,” Zallie countered her eyes glancing along the gangplank and Estra realised that her sister was staring at her brother. “It’s practically shimmering. It’s…uh…it’s amazing.”

Estra grunted, her mouth twisting to one side. Sometimes it sucked to be the only one of her siblings who could not feel the Force, or the weave as Zallie referred to it. The rest could to varying degrees - Zallie the best, then the twins, Quin and finally Nicco with his powers that had come during that fateful duel five years ago that had brought Bryer almost permanently into their lives and upended them at the same time.

“It’s pretty spectacular,” Nicco said, striding down the gangplank to stand next to Estra. He was carrying a backpack and a couple of bottles of water. “But I think you’re overestimating my ability with the Force again, Zallie. I do have your level of power, nor Rin’s, nor even Da’s before he lost it.”

But you have an ability, which is more than me, Estra’s mind screamed even as she kept her mouth firmly closed. Da had had words with her before they left, about being kinder and gentler with how she approached people. It was hard though. Sometimes she snapped without thinking. Every time she regretted it, but she could never quite find the words to say that she was sorry. It had been like that ever since she could remember.

Her stomach roiled with irritation and something else she couldn’t quite name.

“We need to head down this way,” F’kisi rumbled. He took her hand for a few seconds, squeezing it gently. “Should only take us an hour to get down to where the map said the ruins were. Hopefully from there we can work out if this could be a good staging point.”

He nodded at her and then was off down the path. Despite insisting that, at eighteen, she was very grown up, Zallie followed him almost skipping as she went. Estra winced, annoyed at Zallie’s exuberance.

“Is Bryer coming?” Estra asked as Nicco passed. If Bryer wasn’t coming, that would give her a legitimate reason to stay behind with the Ducissa. The light was too bright and her skin felt tight and uncomfortable.

“He’s staying here,” Nicco said from the bottom of the very worn gangplank. “Said something about needing to complete the paperwork we all ignore and staying out of the ‘illegal stuff’.”

“I could stay with him,” Estra offered quickly. “Being all by himself he’s a sitting duck.”

Maybe she could make some sort of excuse that someone should stay in case of pirates - even though they themselves were technically pirates.

“I don’t think we’re going to get attacked by pirates,” Nicco said, as if reading her mind. “I wouldn’t call him a sitting duck either. After five years, Bryer can work that turret just as well as you.”

Estra scowled. Ahead of them Zallie turned and waved.

“Come on you two,” she yelled. “Hurry up. Come on Essie, you can’t be grumpy forever.”

“Watch me,” Estra mumbled.

Nicco’s face lit up with a wry smile and he shook his head, before turning and followed his younger sister. Small moths fluttering up from where he’d brushed the heather, their tiny wings seemed to shimmer as they beat the air. Estra scowled and then followed them into the silent and serene landscape, trying to push away the feeling that this was all a very bad idea.

 

Chapter 2 - Monster

Estra screwed her eyes against the glare. The irritation she’d felt when they’d left The Ducissa had grown into something that tightened every muscle in her neck and shoulders. As they’d climbed the hillocks of heath and dodged the small streams of ice-cold water that ran down the other sides, the tension had grown into a jaw-aching, throbbing headache.

“You alright, Essie?” Nicco asked, dropping back. Estra nodded, even as she screwed her eyes up. The sweet scent from the flowers had become cloying; tugging at her breath and tightening her chest. Her feet were heavy and cumbersome and when she did find what she thought was a way through the dense brush, she tripped over roots and snagged her pants on the strong, scratchy branches.

“I’m fine,” she muttered, scowling up at him. The landscape around Nicco shimmered and distorted; the colours stretching and then condensing in a never-ending kaleidoscope. The wind had picked up, wrapping itself around her and buffeting her into exhaustion. It kept changing too, hot one minute and then cold the next. She’d fought against it every step of the way as her head throbbed and her face burned from the sun. None of the others seemed to even notice it. She could hear Zallie head, talking endlessly about the weave, and the way that the Force shimmered and wove across the hills. Estra wished her sister would shut up.

Nicco frowned. “You don’t look okay.”

“I’m fine. Stop asking,” she spat, irritated as his misplaced concern.

The wind buffeted her again and she mislaid her footing on the spiky heather. Her boot splashed noisily into one of the myriad of tiny, icy streams. She shrieked as she pulled her foot free, feeling the damp creeping through her sock as she did so.

She glared at her brother through narrow eyes. “You better not have done that with the Force, or whatever.”

Nicco held his hands up. “Swear on The Ducissa that I wouldn’t do that Essie, I value my life too much to annoy you. I’m just worried that you seem to be suffering and won’t admit it.”

“We better almost be there,” she murmured, ignoring his last comment. When she’d glared at her brother, there had been a halo around him, a constantly shifting litany of colours that almost blinded her. The light spiked again, and she gritted her teeth at the pain.

“Top of the hill, F’kisi said,” Nicco said quietly. “The path is too narrow for us to walk next to each other, so I’m just going to drop back and walk behind you. I’m sorry Essie, I should have let you stay with Bryer.”

“Should have,” Estra managed as she trudged on. It was becoming too difficult to think. Concepts tumbled through her head in a cacophony of scattered half-thoughts and strange memories that didn’t quite feel like hers. It took all her concentration to breath and walk as she stumbled her way up the last incline. Even with her eyes open only to slits, the colours ran together into one radiant, flashing mess. Her skin was itchy and tight, and the breeze prickled her bare arms. The heather branches felt like they were ripping skin, and she had to constantly reassure herself that blood was not running down her legs. She felt on edge, her body bracing itself for attack even as it crumpled with exhaustion.

“I can call Bryer,” Nicco said as she stumbled again. This time she almost pitched forward, scrapping her arms against the twigs. The water from the stream burnt ice-cold making her gasp. She struggled against tears as her chest heaved, breathing in more of the cloying scent that choked her. “He could be here easily, once we work out how to get The Ducissa’s buggy working.”

“I’m okay,” Estra rasped, her throat too thick and dry to talk. “The light here is too bright. I just need to sit down.”

“I found it!” Zallie yelled from ahead of them. “I think it’s an old Jedi Temple.”

“Jedi,” Estra choked on the word. “Of course.”

It was always Jedi. For some reason the Temple, and the irritating, sanctimonious, uptight Jedi that inhabited seemed to purposefully invade her life.

“There’ll be somewhere for you to sit soon,” Nicco murmured and Estra could tell he was trying to be comforting. “Looks like the ruins have a roof over part of them. It should be nice and dark.”

Estra stumbled on, he soft, springy heath eventually giving way to something harder and smoother. Her face was burnt and the now hot wind did nothing but make her shiver. The others didn’t seem to notice the wind, nor the fact that it seemingly changed direction constantly, nor did they notice the way the sun’s light blurred and brightened the colours until they hurt.

“Sit here,” Nicco said softly and Estra sank to the ground. Her hand brushed the rough stone surface and caught the edge of what felt like smooth tiles, broken with age and wear. She could hear Nicco and F’kisi discussing in rapid, low tones about how to get The Ducissa there to spirit Estra away.

“Look at the ruins,” Zallie said, her voice quiet with awe. Estra shook her head, but Zallie’s hand was on her shoulder. “You’ll regret missing it.”

Estra knew her sister wouldn’t give up until she’d looked. She slowly, regretfully, opened her eyes. For a few seconds she could see clearly the bright blue of the sky, the lavender of the heath as it undulated in the breeze and the sun-washed sandstone of what was left of some ancient temple. For a second, she almost thought she caught sight of a distant figure in tan and white robes. She opened her mouth to say something, but the wind seemed to snatch the words away.

“The Force is so powerful here,” Zallie whispered. Estra nodded and went to speak again but the words melted away into nothingness. She gritted her teeth, as the tears stung the corners of her eyes. Zallie chattered obliviously, her voice taking on a physical shape; every syllable tearing into Estra’s head. “No wonder it was a Jedi Temple. We must be right over a Force nexus.”

Estra couldn’t even nod. Talking was too much effort. Thinking was too much effort. She slumped against the wall. Even with her eyes closed, the world was nothing but blinding flashes of colour, burning brighter and brighter through her lids. The sound of her own breathing rasped loudly in her ears.

Panic gripped her. This was never going to end. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think.

There was a pause in Zallie’s endless prattle and then. “Essie, are you alright?”

The concern and worry rolled off her sister in great waves that threatened to drown her already exhausted body. The undulating scenery with its lurid swirls of colour, and the way that every sound vibrated through her bones, setting her teeth on edge was too much. Her panicking brain was stuck on an endless loop of fear, regret, and pain.

Estra rose unsteadily feeling like she was going to explode. Her head throbbed.

“Sto-“ she tried, wincing at the way her own voice echoed in her head. “I- leav-“ she stammered. Her skin was tight and itchy, like someone had sewn her into too tight clothes and then cinched them even further so that every movement felt like she was going to tear apart. Pain beat through her body, every note an echo of the tempo of her heart.

“Essie,” Nicco sounded as if he was yelling, an edge of panic in his voice. “Ess-“ He grabbed her hand and she flinched, tearing it from his grasp.

“Don’t,” she managed. For a second, she had been looking through his eyes at her own face, eyes closed, skin flushed and clammy. Every thought in his head was hers. She couldn’t shut them out. Thoughts clamour for attention; how to get her back to the ship; what was wrong; how he could save her -

If she was worth saving.

Only the last thought had been hers.

Estra held her hands over her ears and sunk down again onto the cold floor. The wind picked up, buffeting her, in steadily increasing gusts as it tore across her skin. She pressed hands harder over her ears, trying to block out the yelling of the others, and the wash of sickly panic and stress carried by the wind.

Estra tried desperately to concentrate. Tried desperately to find the calm that Rin had talked about when she’d made them meditate, but nothing would stick as the colours shifted behind her eyelids. She felt as if someone had wound her so tight that she would either burst or unravel. Images and memories, some hers, and some that she knew could never belong to her, flashed across her mind. She grasped after them and came up empty.

Part of her was still terrified, but a larger part was growing angry. Angry at the unfairness of it all. Angry at every injustice she’d ever suffered. Angry at her younger siblings. Angry at Rin. Angry at Da. Angry at her mother who’d abandoned her. Angry at Nicco. Angry at F’kisi.

Angry at herself.

The noise, heat, and light surged again and she curled into a tighter ball as if that would be enough to protect herself.

As if that would be enough to protect all of them from what was coming.

From what she was becoming.

“We need to get her back.” F’kisi’s voice cut through the cacophony of thoughts and noise. “Don’t worry Ess, the comm’s not working so Zallie’s running to get Bryer and The Ducissa. We’ll get you out soon enough.”

From her position on the floor, Estra shook her head. Dread wound its sinuous way through her belly. It would be too dangerous for her to get on The Ducissa like this. She would endanger them all.

An old mantra filled her head. The one she’d learnt since the moment she could talk.

If one falls, we all fall.

This time it was different though. If she fell, then she would take them with her. She would not let this happen. If she fell, she would fall alone.

She rocketed to her feet, swaying slightly as she did so and feeling the wind lash against her. She had to save them from herself. She tried to push through her own terror - this was the only way that she could protect her family.

“Ess.” She opened her eyes long enough to see Nicco reach for her. “Come with me.”

“All fall!” Estra snapped, the irritation that she seemed unable to form a coherent sentence adding to the anger that tore knots in her belly. Her head felt like it was about to explode. This was so unfair. She had to make Nicco leave before she hurt him. “Stop!’

Her brother paused in mid-step, frowning as if it was almost difficult to move through the word.

Her hands came up to shield herself from his grasp. She had to keep him away from her, for all their sakes. Pressure built in her head as every sensation, every emotion, every injustice merged together to become a roaring, angry inferno of nothing but-

His fingers touched her shoulder.

“Go away!” The word tore itself from her throat. Anger and power coursed through her. Nicco’s unresisting body flew backwards across the room. He crashed into the far wall, and slid down, his head lolling to one side.

Estra stared at Nicco’s crumpled body in abject horror. She let out a sob. She’d hurt him. She would hurt them all if she stayed.

Her deepest fears bubbled to the surface. She was a monster.

“Sorry. I- Nicco. I-” Estra struggled to find the words. The colours were blinding now. The noise of the planet too loud for her ears. The wind blew hot and cold laden with guilt, fear and panic as it swirled around her. Estra’s breath caught in her throat and her chest squeezed tight with panic. She couldn’t tell where she stopped and the rest of the universe began.

Despite the pain, she kept her eyes open as she searched for an escape route. She had to get out of here before she hurt the rest of her family. Like she always did. Like she’d always done. She turned, taking two steps towards the entrance.

Something blocked her way. She squinted past the swirling colours and saw F’kisi, standing tall and broad-shouldered like an anchor in the chaos. A solid shape amongst the constant shift of colours.

“I’ll hurt you too,” she managed finally to find her words. “I can’t help myself. I hurt everyone. That’s why everyone leaves. I’m sorry. I-”

“You are okay,” F’kisi said, softly. Estra sobbed again, grief and anger warring with terror and self-hatred. “I will not leave you. Not ever.”

Estra felt like someone had pulled the pin that had held her all together. The colours blurred, shifted and then ran together. The noise rose in a never-ending crescendo of emotion. The wind picked her up off her feet and momentarily she felt as if she was tumbling into an abyss. Then F’kisi’s arms were holding her, dragging her back to the here and now. There was a spurt of pain. Her teeth went through her lip as she struggled half-heartedly to get free.

“You will be alright.” The words were gentle and carried with them the promise of acceptance, as he sank with her onto the floor. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Estra sobbed until her chest ached. She tried to focus on the rough texture of the stone beneath her knees and the softness of F’kisis tunic. She tasted blood in her mouth and something sticky and warm was running from her nose. The wind whispered of Zallie’s distant panic and her brother’s pain, but here in F’kisi’s arms the world was stable and quiet. She felt the soft brush of his lips against her forehead.

“I love you Ess.”

At his words, the emotions swirled together into a tornado that ripped through her mind, pulling everything she knew apart. For a moment the world was nothing but blindingly white pain and then - mercifully - nothing but blackness.

 

Poor Estra, encountering all of this and her pain. Being comforted by F'kisi. What will happen next?

 

Thanks @earlybird-obi-wan - definitely lucky for Estra that F'kisi was there...!

 

Chapter 3 - Recovery

The world had turned monochrome. White walls. White floor. Her fingertips brushed against the starchy sheets. White. Soft daylight was streaming in through a half opened window and the breeze that blew in was warm and gentle.

“You were on Ruusan?” Estra could feel the irritation and exasperation in Rin’s voice as it floated in through the open door. “Did neither of you pay attention to any history lesson?”

A guilty silence followed the question. Estra turned her head to see Del, sitting in the chair next to her, a datapad in his lap. For a moment she feared that he would be angry with her and part of her didn’t know why. He looked up at the rustle of sheets and smiled at her, and a soft sensation of being loved filled her with warmth.

“Hey Essie,” he said gently. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Estra smiled tiredly. Her father’s relief settled on her like a blanket. She motioned to the room. “But how did I get here? The last thing I remember was-”

The memory of the colours flashing across the landscape, the non-stop sound and her brother’s body tumbling-

“Nicco!” Estra said, as panic gripped her. “Is Nicco alright?” She struggled to sit upright, the sudden movement sending a wave of pain coursing through her head. Her father’s hands gripped her shoulders, and she flinched expecting the strange sensation she’d had when Nicco had touched her, but nothing happened. She sunk almost gratefully back into the bed.

“He’s fine,” Del said, as he sat back in his own chair. “Just took a good knock to the head. He’s outside with Zallie being interrogated by Rin. It was you that we were worried about.”

Estra shook her head slightly, trying to dislodge both the memory and the spikes of worry from her father.

“Why?” Estra asked, frowning slightly. “I’m fine. I’m always fine.”

“You’re not always fine.” Del shook his head and then took her hand again. “You have to stop pretending that you are Essie. I’m not sure what happened on Ruusan, but after you almost sent your brother through a wall, you tried to run. F’kisi managed to get you to calm down enough that you passed out.”

A flicker of worry and fear stabbed the air. Del’s brow creased for a second. “Lucky the Ducissa can fly with only half the crew.”

“Two of them? Did I hurt someone else?” The guilt sat heavy and ugly in her belly.

“No Essie,” Del said, guessing her question as his rough, calloused fingers stroked the back of her hand gently. “Nicco needed time to recover, and do you think F’kisi was going to leave you? You were out cold Ess. You’ve been sleeping for five days. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with you.”

“We can’t afford doctors,” Estra said automatically, trying to push herself upright again. “I-”

“Have a brother-in-law who adores you,” Del said, snorting with mirth. The air around seemed to shimmer and sparkle as he grinned. “And who has more money than sense.”

Estra frowned again. “I-” she began trying to put her feelings into words, the idea that she didn’t deserve the attention dying on her tongue.

“Nicco and Zallie are waiting for you outside, but I sent F’kisi back with Bryer. Actually I ordered him to go home, and I’m pretty sure that Rin did her hand wavy thing to make sure he actually went.” Del said, shaking his head and smiling. There was the same sparkle of lights around him and Estra frowned. “Sorry Essie,” Del said, mistaking the reason for the frown. “I should have let F’kisi stay.”

Estra shook her head. “It’s not that. It’s just that I can feel you. Your emotions. Your-”

The door pushed open, Rin was standing in the doorway, Nicco and Zallie behind her. The relief from her siblings rolled into the room, as they smiled at her over Rin’s shoulders. The emotion settled around her; warm and soft.

“Essie!” Rin almost squealed in delight, a bright trill of noise in the calmness. “You’re awake! I’m so happy and-” she paused, cocking her head to one side as if listening. A moment later she smiled; a grin of pure pleasure and delight. The air sparkled again, bright motes that shimmered and hummed. “Oh,” Rin breathed quietly. “I’ve always wondered what you really sounded like.”

“Sounded like?” Estra said, puzzled. The joy flowed from her step-mother; all bright sparkling lights and pops of energy. “What do you mean?”

“The Force,” Rin said, and her eyes shone with tears. “I can hear you in the Force.”

 

Will she get the Force?
Nice chapter to see everyone unhurt

 

\

Yep! Not as strong as Zallie, or her younger half siblings, but some sense of the Force back. At least enough that she's going to have to learn how to use it.

I thought about hurting one of them a bit worse, but then Estra would never forgive me.

I know! I thought of you quite a lot when I was writing and publishing this. Essie is such a fun character to write, even when she's grumpy with the whole world - which is often.

Yep! She and Nicco always had a connection, but it was blocked (just like Del's) from growing up with a Force Eater. You kind of have to instinctively put up a mental shield or you'll end up being destroyed. Thing is, if you've done that since you were a baby that's a lot of things to break down - Nicco's came about because it was literally life and death (and the man he secretly or not so secretly loved) and Estra's breaks from pure frustration on her part. Although for her, it's love (F'kisi) that saves her from doing anything she really regrets and the fact that most of Estra's anger is just a front to stop herself from being hurt or abandoned again (if I push them away first then they can't hurt me).

Yeah. I figure if it was all of my head-cannoned ways of feeling the Force - Kithera's sound, Tara's voices, Taeyn/Del's hot/cold, Kirsh's kaleidoscope of colours, Namia's emotions, then it would be completely overwhelming and inexplicable for someone who had never experienced it before. I mean it would be overwhelming for someone who had experience in the Force too.

Yep! Now Essie's viola has properly joined the orchestra that Rin/Kit hears. I think in Snips its explained as a viola played in another room behind a closed door - but now it's solidly in the melody.

No. Although I have some fun (and to be honest really not fun) plans for Estra and F'kisi as the Empire rises to power. There is only so long the Family can run before one of them gets caught...

Thank you so much for reading and for the lovely compliments