Saga Mara Wars Trilogy (Humor, AU, OT-era) ANNOUNCEMENT APRIL 4

Lando as a pimp? That's too much, but so true!

 

Suddenly a door opens, and the suave, dashing, handsome LANDO CALRISSIAN steps outside with his entourage of butt-kissers. LANDO is dressed in a typical Pimp-Master outfit, all flashy and colorful. He?s wearing a shiny blue shirt, with loose, velvety slacks with a leopard-spots pattern all over them. A long, silvery necklace dangles from his neck. He?s got a really big, huge afro.

LOL!! I wish somebody would make a fanfilm out of this fic!!

Great post, Geith!!

AG88

 

Thanks, guys! And a fanfilm for this story would be the coolest. Any takers?

Here's more:

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SCENE THIRTY-THREE - Back on Dagobah, LUKE is loading up his X-wing. YODA does not look pleased.

YODA: [puts out his cigar] Where going you are, dumb Skywalker? Must complete training!

LUKE: To hell with you and your training. I?m sick of all the verbal abuse!

YODA: But like it, you do, when red-haired woman does it, yes?

LUKE: Yeah, but Mara manages to make it sound all sexy and stuff. And you...[looks down at YODA] Well, you?re not sexy, to put it nicely.

YODA: When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not!

LUKE: Look, Gizmo, I hate to break it to you, but...aw, forget it! It?s pointless arguing with you. Besides, I can?t keep the vision out of my head. Mara belongs to me! I have to save her.

YODA: You must not go!

LUKE: But the pimp will steal her away from me if I don?t!

Suddenly, the spirit of OBI-WAN appears next to YODA.

OBI-WAN: You don?t know that. Even Yoda cannot see her fate.

LUKE: Screw you, Ben! You?re never any help anyways. I can?t believe you just left me to almost freeze to death back on Hoth. All you do is spout off some dumb cryptic remarks, and then leave. Some Master you are...

YODA: [to OBI-WAN] Told you, did I. Brat he is. Worse than his father.

OBI-WAN: Well, I don?t know about that. At least Luke hasn?t slaughtered an entire village of women and children yet.

LUKE: Huh? What are you talking about?

OBI-WAN: Oh, we?re just talking about some mean things your father did, before he became Darth Vader?

YODA punches OBI-WAN in the stomach with his walking stick.

LUKE: What did you just say?

OBI-WAN: Um...I mean, Nader! Yeah, Ralph Nader.

LUKE: Ralph Nader?s my father?

YODA: Never mind that! Go, you will not. Stay here, you will. Give me more piggyback rides, you will, to bathroom, so I can take pee-pee!

LUKE: But I can help her! I feel the Force.

OBI-WAN: No, that?s your hormones you?re feeling, Luke. And you cannot control them. This is a dangerous time for you, when you will be tempted by the dark side of the Force

YODA: Yes! Yes! To Obi-Wan, you listen!

LUKE: [sighs] Look at me. This is pathetic. I go from being more or less the hero in the first movie to becoming a useless supporting character who gets beat up by big hairy monsters, gets left behind on Hoth, and now takes orders from a stupid, little green gremlin who has a bladder problem, while Han gets to make out with my woman, and Mara gets all the best lines. What has the universe come to?! I mean, c?mon, she kissed CHEWIE, for crying out loud, instead of me! How messed up is THAT?!

OBI-WAN: Luke, I don?t want to lose you to the Emperor the way I lost Nader...I mean, Vader!

LUKE: Whatever.

YODA: Only a fully-trained Jedi, with the Force as his ally, will conquer Vader and his Emperor. If you end your training now?

LUKE: [puts his hands to his ears] Lalalalalalalalala! I?m not listening! I can?t hear you?

YODA: [gets frustrated and throws his stick at LUKE] Fine, then! Go to Bespin, little bastard you! Go ahead and get killed. Don?t care anymore, I do!

OBI-WAN: If you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone. I cannot interfere.

LUKE: Like you?d do anything to help, anyways. Artoo, fire up the converters!

LUKE takes off in his X-wing, and the two Jedi Masters shake their head in derision and disappointment.

YODA: Told you, I did. Reckless he is. Whine much, he does. Now, matters are worse.

OBI-WAN: That boy is our last hope.

YODA: No...there is another.

OBI-WAN: You mean Leia?

They both have a good laugh over that, at the mere thought of stupid Leia being the last great hope of the galaxy.

 

LUKE: Screw you, Ben! You?re never any help anyways. I can?t believe you just left me to almost freeze to death back on Hoth. All you do is spout off some dumb cryptic remarks, and then leave. Some Master you are...

YODA: [to OBI-WAN] Told you, did I. Brat he is. Worse than his father.

OBI-WAN: Well, I don?t know about that. At least Luke hasn?t slaughtered an entire village of women and children yet.

LUKE: Huh? What are you talking about?

OBI-WAN: Oh, we?re just talking about some mean things your father did, before he became Darth Vader?

YODA punches OBI-WAN in the stomach with his walking stick.

LUKE: What did you just say?

OBI-WAN: Um...I mean, Nader! Yeah, Ralph Nader.

LUKE: Ralph Nader?s my father?

Frecking brilliant man! BRILLIANT!!!

 

LUKE: But I can help her! I feel the Force.

OBI-WAN: No, that?s your hormones you?re feeling, Luke.

Hormones! Oh that brings on a whole new meaning to some of the things Obi-Wan taught Luke. Use the Force Luke...reach out...feel the Force flowing through you.


LUKE: Ralph Nader?s my father?

Oh Noooooo!!!! That's impossible!!

They both have a good laugh over that, at the mere thought of stupid Leia being the last great hope of the galaxy.

Oh that is rude! Poor Leia, where is she anyway?

Great post Geith!

AG88

 

*snickers wildly* I've spent the past 2 days reading this fic, and I have to say it's delightfully funny. You have some great stuff in here, the least of which being the shout out to the Muppets. That rocked!

Keep up the great work!

(Oh, and my theory for why Han isn't attracted to Mara is that they're related somehow )

 

Geith- I finally caught up on reading this story. I've been trying for over a month. My favorite part has been the scene with Scotty! Keep up the good work!
Oh yeah, if anyone wants more Mara, check out Han Solo in "The Star Wars Trilogy" in my sig!

 

Thanks, everyone, and a big welcome to MaraWannabe and kyp_durron_fan_2009! Love your story, btw, kyp. I definitely recommend you guys read it. It's a spoof of the first SW movie, in which Han and Luke switch roles in ANH. Check it out, it's brilliant!

The next post will be up Friday afternoon. Sorry for the lack of updates, but school is kicking my butt. On the bright side, though, I'm doing really well. It's just taking up a lot of my time.

More to come later! Stay tuned.

 

Good to hear you are doing well, Geith

I guess I will have to wait to get my Mara fix...

 

Thanks, jonas_jade! Again, look for the next post to be up sometime tomorrow. I promise!

 

All right, after much procrastinating, here's the next post. Sorry for the delay, but hopefully it'll be worth it. Enjoy!

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SCENE THIRTY-FOUR - Back on the so-called ?city of clouds.? MARA, now dressed in a brand-new, shiny black catsuit, her luscious hair flowing all around her, is seated at a computer console, watching something on the computer screen. We can?t see whatever it is, but it?s enough to make MARA burst into a fit of evil cackles.

MARA: Thought you could best me, didn?t you? Give it up, sweetie. No one?s ever gonna find you?

Suddenly, HAN enters the room. MARA looks over her should and curses.

MARA: Crap! [quickly switches off the computer]

HAN: What are you looking at over there?

MARA: Uh...nothing. Just my bountiful fan e-mail. I get millions of them every day, you know, because I?m so popular and beautiful and kewl. [tosses her hair back seductively]

HAN: Whatever. The ship is almost finished. Two or three more things, and we?re in great shape.

MARA: The sooner the better. This place is such a dump! I mean, look at that crappy view. [points to the window] There?s nothing to look at but the stupid sky!

HAN: Um, Mara...that?s because we?re up in the sky.

MARA: Yeah, but it?s so BORING! I mean, there?s nothing to look at! No water, no trees, no mountains. I mean, if Hannibal Lecter can get his own view, why can?t I?

HAN: Who? [shakes his head] Never mind. [looks around] Something?s wrong here. No one has seen or knows anything about Threepio. He?s been gone too long to have gotten lost.

MARA: Who cares about that worthless blabber-mouth? He was annoying, anyways. All he did was whine.

HAN gives MARA an accusing glare.

MARA: [puts on innocent face] What? I didn?t do anything to him, Han, if that?s what you?re thinking.

HAN: [crosses his arms] Mara...

MARA: I didn?t! I swear! I didn?t chop him up or anything...not since that last time, at least.

HAN: I?ll talk to Lando and see what I can find out.

MARA: Ahhhh, yes. Lando...[sighs dreamily] What a steaming sex-pot of hotness. I just need to do something about that awful hairdo of his...

CHEWIE then bursts into the room, roaring in alarm. He?s holding a box full of broken droid parts. MARA and HAN quickly recognize the mess as having been THREEPIO.

MARA: Kewl! What happened?

CHEWIE set the box on the floor, growling an explanation.

HAN: Where? And what was that about munchkins?

CHEWIE: Roar! [picks up one of THREEPIO?s arms]

HAN: Found him in a junk pile?

MARA: What the hell?s a munchkin? Oh, what a mess. Even when he?s dead, he?s still a pain in the ass. Chewie, do you think you can repair him?

CHEWIE shakes his head no.

MARA: Oh, good! Finally, we can have some peace and quiet now...

HAN: Lando?s got people who can fix him.

MARA: [points at HAN] Don?t you dare! Oh, what am I saying? It won?t matter. The stupid scriptwriter will just bring him magically back to life anyways...[picks up THREEPIO?s hand] Hehehe, stupid droid. [shoves the hand in the Wookiee?s face] Hey, Chewie, need a hand?

Cue ?Ba-doom CHING!? sound effect.

LANDO enters suavely into the room.

LANDO: I?m sorry. Am I interrupting anything?

MARA: Not really. Our dumb droid just got shot into a million pieces. Other than that, it?s all gravy. How are you? [looks over at LANDO, and is immediately blinded by his new shiny silver pimp suit] My God! Can you tone that down a little please?

LANDO: [surveys MARA?s slim, athletic, voluptuous, incredible figure] Daaaaaaaaaamn. Baby, you are the finest piece of ass I?ve ever met in my life.

MARA: Thank you, I know.

LANDO: You truly belong with us here among the clouds.

MARA: Pffft! As if. This place needs a complete overhaul. I mean, look at the design. It just screams, ?I

 

MARA: Ahhhh, yes. Lando...[sighs dreamily] What a steaming sex-pot of hotness. I just need to do something about that awful hairdo of his...

Mara likes her men like she likes her coffee...minus the hair of course.

looks over at LANDO, and is immediately blinded by his new shiny silver pimp suit] My God! Can you tone that down a little please?

Like I said before, this would be a great fan film.

LANDO: [surveys MARA?s slim, athletic, voluptuous, incredible figure] Daaaaaaaaaamn. Baby, you are the finest piece of ass I?ve ever met in my life.

I am just imagining Lando dressed and acting like Starsky and Hutch's friend Huggy Bear.

Great post, Geith!

AG88

 

Thanks, AG88!

And to make up for the lack of updates, here's a second post:

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SCENE THIRTY-FIVE - HAN, CHEWIE, LANDO, and MARA are walking down a corridor of Cloud City. The sun shines on MARA?s reddish-golden-goldy-red-gold-golden-auburn-scrum-diddly-umptious-goldish-reddy-gold hair, and brings a shimmering sheen to her juicy emerald-green-greenish-dragon-greeny-emeraldish-green-eyes that draws an awed, envious gasp from any passerby who lays eyes on the stunning goddess. Everyone bows before the One With the Reddish-Gold Locks and Emerald-Green Eyes, basking in the afterglow of her flowing, cascading, majestic mane of goldish-fiery-red-hot-lava-supernova hair.

MARA: Thank you, thank you. You?re all too kind. I am beautiful, aren?t I? No man alive can withstand my gorgeous beauty. And some women, too, for that matter...

She suddenly bumps into someone, ruining the moment.

MARA: Watch where you?re going, you pathetic excuse for a human being! And you stepped on my foot!

PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING: I-I-I?m sorry, p-please forgive me?

MARA decks him in response.

MARA: Jerk. [to everyone else] You may continue gawking and admiring me.

Meanwhile, LANDO?s talking a whole bunch of nonsense about the ?history? of Cloud City. As if anyone cared (I know you all are much more interested in how wonderful and beautiful and courageous and strong and funny MARA is!). But there might be some poor little SW fan in Calcutta who might be interested in it, so I?ll go ahead and write it.

LANDO: So you see, since we?re a small operation, we don?t fall into the...uh...jurisdiction of the Empire.

MARA: Boring! Who cares?! [continues flashing her flaming-reddish-goldish-red-goldy-reddy-gold-golden-fire hair at everyone who looked at her]

LANDO: Blah blah blah blah blah blah...

They pass three teenagers, two boys and one girl, all of whom stare back at MARA in pure amazement.

ANAKIN: [drooling over MARA?s lithe, curvy figure] Man, if she wasn't my aunt, I?d marry her in a heartbeat!

JAINA: Mara is the most awesome person ever. I look up to her like she was my own mom. She?s certainly much cooler than my real mom, who doesn?t know anything about raising children and only cares about politics. I hate my mom. She was never around for me. And she never made me oatmeal cookies.

JACEN: Mara sure looks sexy in that black, skin-tight, leather-clad catsuit. Why can?t my own mom look great like that, with her graying hair and unflattering figure? And why can?t my dad be strong, like Mara?

MARA: [to ANAKIN] Don?t get that drool all over the carpet there. [winks seductively]

ANAKIN: [breathless] Wow!

MARA gives them a little wave as the group continues toward the dining hall.

LANDO: Blah blah blah blah?

MARA: For the love of Palpatine, would you shut up already?! Nobody gives a rancor?s ass about stupid Cloud City!

LANDO: I?ve just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of here forever.

MARA: What did you do, go behind our backs and betray us to the Imperials?who oh-so-conveniently arrived here before we did?so that they won?t leave a garrison on Cloud City and wrest control of the city from you?

LANDO: Wow, good guess. [opens the door leading into the dining hall]

Everyone looks in. VADER gets up from the table. Dun Dun Duuuuuuuun!

MARA: See, told you. Hey, it?s Clanker! [waves at VADER]

CHEWIE snarls in anger. HAN pulls out his blaster and fires several shots. VADER raises his gloved hand, absorbing the shots, and uses the Force to pull the weapon from HAN?s hand. The weapon zips into VADER?s hand.

MARA: Whoa, that was so wizard!

VADER: We would be honored if you would join us.

TIERSHON_FETT comes out from behind a red curtain to stand just slightly behind VADER, holding her Demetabolizing Electromagnetic Molecular Atom-Smashing Ionic Depre

 

Well, Geith, I didn't like this post


































I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE, MORE MORE!!!!!!!!!! MUWAH HA HA HA HA! I LOVE HOW LANDO IS A PIMP!

 

Geith, you out did yourself with this one.

Shelley and Tiershon-Fett are going to love this post!

McEwok will also appreciate that little wink Mara gave Anakin.

Bravo!

AG88

 

Two posties!! YAY!

I laughed...

I didn't cry...

McEwok would be proud.

 

Thanks, guys!

McEwok...isn't he the guy that's always talking about how Anakin and Mara should've gotten together, for some ungoldly reason? I think I've read several of his posts in that Sex thread.

Here's more!

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SCENE THIRTY-SIX - Cloud City?s torture room. HAN is strapped to a torture rack, while VADER stands menacingly next to an elaborate, ominous-looking torture mechanism. HAN looks scared witless.

HAN: Wh-What are you gonna do to me?

VADER: Prepare yourself, Captain Solo, for the most gruesome, horrible, unimaginable torture unequaled in the history of the galaxy.

VADER puts on a set of pink earmuffs, and holds up a razor-sharp circular disc that looks like it can cut through durasteel. HAN?s eyes widen in abject terror as he recognizes what the instrument is.

HAN: No...no, it can?t be! Please, don?t! Anything but that! Don?t do it?

VADER: May the Force have mercy on your soul.

VADER inserts the disc into the torture mechanism, and activates it.

HAN: No! No, don?t! It?s inhuman! Aaaggghhh!!!!!

A loud, booming voice blares from the torture mechanism.

CHER: DO YOU BELIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?

HAN screams in pure agony.

HAN: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN - LANDO and TIERSHON_FETT are standing outside the torture room, listening to HAN?s screams. LANDO shudders.

LANDO: Cher?s Greatest Hits. That?s a fate worse than death.

TIERSHON: You obviously never listened to rap music.

VADER steps outside the torture room and takes the pink earmuffs off.

LANDO: Lord Vader!

VADER: [to TIERSHON] You may take Captain Solo to Jabba the Hutt after I have Skywalker.

TIERSHON: He?s no good to me deaf.

VADER: His eardrums will not be permanently damaged.

LANDO: Lord Vader, what about Mara and the Wookiee?

VADER: They must never again leave this city.

LANDO: Kewl! Thanks a lot, man. [rubs his hands together eagerly] All right. Now, time for some hot lovin?...

SCENE THIRTY-EIGHT - LANDO heads for his personal chambers. He opens the door and finds the room empty and dark.

LANDO: Mara? It?s me. It?s Landy-poo...

Suddenly, the lights flash on, and Marvin Gaye?s ?Let?s Get It On? pours seductively from LANDO?s surround-sound stereo system. LANDO?s room is as flashy as his clothes. A big, shiny disco ball hangs from the ceiling. The carpet is a striped black-and-white pattern. Posters of scantily-clad women decorate the purple and red walls.

MARA is laying on his bed, dressed in a slinky, black halter dress with zebra fur trim on the bottom, with a floor-length red coat with matching feathers, with platinum-colored platform shoes. A silver, leopard-pattern hat adorns the top of her head. She?s also wearing a light-up spinning Bling Platinum Playboy bunny necklace on her neck.

LANDO: Whoa, baby. Mara, you look slammin?!

MARA: Please, call me Sista Mara. Ready to make hot, sweet love by the fire? [claps her hands, and the fireplace automatically springs to life]

LANDO: ?Let?s get it on. Ah, baby, let?s get it on!?

He leaps into bed with MARA and?

DIRECTOR: All right, cut! Let?s move on to the next scene.

Across the globe, millions of Lando/Mara fans cry out in anger at not getting to see their favorite couple ?get it on? and curse TF.N for that darn PG-rating nonsense.

 

Damn that PG rating. I guess you may have to post the next scene over at one of the more "Adult" fanfic sites.

Lando's room reminds me of Austin Power's groovy pad on his private jet.

I can imagine Lando laying on the bed and saying to Mara, "Do I make you horny, Mara? Do I?"

Great Job!

Oh yes, McEwok is the fellow that says Anakin Solo is the father of Ben Skywalker. Check out today's posts in the sex thread for a little fic I wrote in an attempt to dispel that rumor.

AG88

 

MARA is laying on his bed, dressed in a slinky, black halter dress with zebra fur trim on the bottom, with a floor-length red coat with matching feathers, with platinum-colored platform shoes. A silver, leopard-pattern hat adorns the top of her head. She?s also wearing a light-up spinning Bling Platinum Playboy bunny necklace on her neck.

LANDO: Whoa, baby. Mara, you look slammin?!

MARA: Please, call me Sista Mara. Ready to make hot, sweet love by the fire? [claps her hands, and the fireplace automatically springs to life]

LANDO: ?Let?s get it on. Ah, baby, let?s get it on!?

He leaps into bed with MARA and?

DIRECTOR: All right, cut! Let?s move on to the next scene.

Across the globe, millions of Lando/Mara fans cry out in anger at not getting to see their favorite couple ?get it on? and curse TF.N for that darn PG-rating nonsense.


That was almost too funny! Some guys will agree with this, 'I wish I was Lando in that scene!' I also love the PG remark!

 

Oh yes, McEwok is the fellow that says Anakin Solo is the father of Ben Skywalker.



Check out today's posts in the sex thread for a little fic I wrote in an attempt to dispel that rumor.

I read it. I thought it was hilarious!

And thank you for your comments, kyp! More to come tomorrow.

 

Do'h!!!!!

 

What's that for, RedGold?

 

Do I look like I really know what I'm doing half the time?

 

*looks at above posts*

Oh, well. *rushes off to begin writing next post before AG88 chases after me with a pitchfork*

 

And I'm back! With more story:

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SCENE THIRTY-NINE - CHEWIE is put in a large cell with the box of THREEPIO parts. He sits around for a while and gets bored, so he decides to try to put the annoying robot back together. After a few hours, he managed to screw THREEPIO?s head back onto the torso, and activates a switch on the back of his neck. THREEPIO?s optical sensors flare to life.

THREEPIO: Oh dear! [looks around the cell] Chewbacca, I have just had the most peculiar dream?

CHEWIE already gets tired of his blabbering, and turns the droid off. Suddenly, two Imperials enter the cell, dragging the beaten, bruised, bloodied, utterly tortured body of HAN. CHEWIE goes over to his pal, barking his concern.

HAN: [groaning] I feel terrible. I?ll never get that horrible song out of my head...

CHEWIE helps HAN to a platform so he can rest, and the cell door slides oven. MARA struts in, calmly smoking a cigarette. She?s still in her pimp-tress outfit.

MARA: Oh, man! Lando, baby, you certainly do have a way with women. Yowza! [looks over at CHEWIE and HAN] What?s happenin??

CHEWIE growls a question at her.

MARA: Oh, you know, the usual. Just keepin? it real and makin? a dolla on the deal.

CHEWIE roars again.

MARA: It?s Jive-talk, you walking carpet! You wouldn?t understand. [goes over to HAN] Wow, what the hell happened to you? You look like eopie crap run over twice.

HAN: They never even asked me any questions. Just kept playing that song over and over and over...

MARA: [takes a puff of her cigarette, and blows the smoke on HAN?s face] Look on the bright side. At least it wasn?t Britney Spears, or Avril Lavigne...[shudders]

The door opens again, and LANDO swaggers inside, accompanied by some of the other bruthas, one of whom is carrying a boom-box blaring cheesy disco music.

MARA: Wazzup, Lando, my homey-G-dog-bone?

HAN: Get out of here, Lando!

LANDO: Shut up and listen! Vader has agreed to turn Mara and Chewie over to me.

MARA: [claps her hands] Yay! I love this place! But wait a second...[turn to CHEWIE disgustedly] Why keep the fleabag? If this is your sick idea of a three-way, fuggetaboutit?

HAN: [to LANDO] What about me?

LANDO: Vader?s giving you to the bounty hunter.

MARA: That creepy chick with the mask and the red-gold scalps dangling from her belt? I tried talking to her a couple of times. She never says much; she just keeps glaring at me like I ran over her kitten or something. She doesn?t like me very much, I guess...

HAN: [mutters] What a surprise. [back to LANDO] Vader wants us all dead!

MARA: Speak for yourself.

LANDO: He doesn?t want you at all! He?s after somebody called Skywalker.

HAN: Luke?

MARA: Farmboy?! What does he want that fairy for?

LANDO: Lord Vader set a trap for him.

MARA: Oh, I get it! And we?re the bait. Kewl! Vadey?s so smart.

LANDO: Well, he?s on his way.

MARA: All right! Maybe now, I?ll finally have the perfect opportunity to kill him. I?d better start planning...[takes out a notebook and begins writing notes]

HAN: [now really pissed] Perfect. You fixed us all real good didn?t you...[stands up]...my friend!

He punches LANDO. The two of them begin to tussle.

MARA: Hey, a fight! [begins chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

LANDO?s bruthas gang on up on HAN and beat the poodoo out of him.

MARA: [cheering] All right! Good shot there, Jam-Master-Dawg! No, aim a little lower; that?s his soft spot. Yeah, right there...ow, that?s gotta hurt! Yeah! Fight! Kick his butt!

LANDO: Don?t be hatin?, Han. I did all I can. Sorry I couldn?t do better, but I?ve got my own problems.

HAN glares up at him, still defiant.

HAN: Yeah, you?re a real hero.

MARA: I?ll say. [blow LANDO a kiss] My hero! [bats her eyelashes at him]

LANDO blow her a kiss ba