Monty Python thread

OK...so? Quite frankly I don't care... I can amuse myself

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This board is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't loaded 'im to the pc 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is script processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-BOARD!!

LOL

 

Sounds like you can amuse yourself

 

Climbing. The world's loneliest sport, where hardship and philosophy go hand in glove. And here, another British expedition, attempting to be the first man to successfully climb the north face of the Uxbridge Road. This four-man rope has been climbing tremendously. BBC cameras were there to film every inch.

The major assault on the Uxbridge Road has been going on for about three weeks, really ever since they established base camp here at the junction of Willesden Road, and from there they climbed steadily to establish camp two, outside Lewis's, and it's taken them another three days to establish camp three, here outside the post office. Well they've spent a good night in there last night in preparation for the final assault today. The leader of the expedition is twenty-nine-year-old Bert Tagg - a local headmaster and mother of three:

//imagines people crawling along my route to work...

 

I never expected that.....


NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Bring me... the fluffy pillows!

UKS

 

CONJURING TODAY

Good evening, last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady into three bits and dispose of the body...

 

from monty pythons finest hour.......

blessed are the cheese makers???

 

Yes! Coming to this cinema soon! The tender compassionate story of one man's love for another man in drag. THRILL! to the excitement of a night emission over Germany. When the pilot, Jennifer has to choose between his secret love for Louis, the hot-bloodedly bi-sexual navigator and Andy, the rear gunner, who, though quite assertive with girls, tends to take the submissive role in his relationships with men. And sensational Mexican starlet, Rosetta Nixon, plays the head of bomber command, whose passion for sea-birds ends in tragedy. With Ginger, as the half-man, half-woman, parrot whose unnatural instincts brought forbidden love in the aviary. And Roger as Pip, the half-parrot, half-man, half-woman, three-quarter badger, ex-bigamist negro preacher, for whom banjo-playing was very difficult, and he never mastered it although he took several courses and went to banjo college ... er ... and everything ... don't miss it!

 

NI!!!!!

 

Well it may be the end of that, but it's certainly far from the end of- well in fact it's the beginning - well not quite the beginning - well certainly nearer the beginning than the end - well yes damn it, it is to all intents and purposes the beginning of this year's Ideal Loon Exhibition, sponsored by the 'Daily Express'. Numbskulls and boobies from all over the country have been arriving to go through their strange paces before a large paying crowd. This is the fifteenth Ideal Loon Exhibition and we took a good look round after it was opened by its patron ... There's Kevin Bruce the digger duffer from down-under, who's ranked fourteenth in the world's silly positions league... This kind of incoherent behaviour is really beginning to catch on down-under. There's Norman Kirby from New Zealand, whose speciality is standing behind a screen with a lady with no clothes on ... In real life, Norman is a gynaecologist, but this is his lunch hour. And from France there's a superb exhibition of rather silly behaviour by the Friends of the Free French Osteopaths. They do this over four hundred times a day. Nobody knows why. But for sheer pointless behaviour you've got to admire Brian Broomers, the batfling British boy who for two weeks has been suspended over a tin of condemned veal. Always popular with the crowd, is the Scotsman with Nae Trews exhibit, and this year's no exception. Sponsored by Natural Gas and Glasgow City Council, this exhibit is entirely supported by voluntary contributions. But for a truly magnificent waste of time you've got to go no further than the exhibit from Italy - Italian priests in custard, discussing vital matters of the day. These lads from a seminary near Cremona, have been practising for well over a year. As always one of the great attractions of this fourteen-day exhibition is the display of counter-marching given by the Massed Pipes and Toilet Requisites of the Colwyn Bay Massed Pipes and Toilet Requisites Club. An interesting point about these boys is they all have one thing in common. Hip injuries. Not far away the crowds are flocking to see a member of the famous Royal Canadian Mounted Geese.

 

Hello. I would like to buy a fish licence please
A what?
A licence for my pet fish, Eric
How did you know my name was Eric?
No no, my fish's name is Eric. Eric the fish. He's an 'alibut
A what?
He is an halibut
You got a pet halibut?
Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat

And this is where my username comes from!

ALBATROSS!

 

Roger Last: Good evening. Tonight on 'Is There' we examine the question, 'Is there a life after death?'. And here to discuss it are three dead people... The late Sir Brian Hardacre, former curator of the Imperial War Museum ... the late Professor Thynne, until recently an academic, critic, and broadcaster ... and putting the view of the Church of England, the very late Prebendary Reverend Ross. Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not? Sir Brian? ... Professor? ... Prebendary?.... Well there we have it, three say no. On 'Is There' next week we'll be discussing the question 'Is there enough of it about?', and until then, goodnight.

 

Alan: Hello.

Noel: Hello.

Alan: Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.

Jackie: Hello, Alan.

Alan: Hello, Jackie.

Jackie: Well, first of all become a doctor and discover a marvelous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again.

Alan: Thanks, Jackie. Great idea. How to play the flute. (picking up a flute) Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.

Noel: Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So, until next week, cheerio.

Alan: Bye.

Jackie: Bye.

 

Here on top of Edinburgh Castle, in conditions of extreme secrecy, men are being trained for the British Army's first Kamikaze Regiment, the Queen's Own McKamikaze Highlanders. So successful has been the training of the Kamikaze Regiment that the numbers have dwindled from 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks. What makes these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?







The weather? The deep fried Mars Bars? Too much Irn Bru? Lacklustre 'football'?

 

Scene: A café. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on.
A man and his wife enter.

Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.

Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.

Man (to Waitress): Morning!

Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomat and spam;

Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam ...........

Waitress: ....spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam....

Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ....or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean "Urgghh"? I don't like spam?

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it.
I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beanes spam spam spam and spam.

Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam.... (but it is too late and the Vikings are drown her words)

Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam

 

The Lumberjack Song

I never wanted to do this job in the first place! I... I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! (piano vamp) Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side! The Larch! The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree! We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lava-try. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, He goes to the lava-try. On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin' And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing And hangs around.... In bars???????

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my dear papa.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra???? (spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My! And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

CHORUS All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy..... (BONG)

 

ROFL!

 

why do you want to join the secret service?

 

Lemon curry?

 

ham sandwich