CT Rewriting the OT to suit the Prequels (humor)

LUKE: No, my father didn't fight in the Clone Wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.

OBI-WAN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals, such as slaughtering children and ushering in totalitarian dictatorships; he felt he should've stayed here and not abandoned his mother to die at the hands of Tusken Raiders, only to bring back her corpse after it was already too late and then rush off in the middle of her funeral to rescue me on Geonosis before fighting in the Clone Wars.

Luke: You fought in the Clone Wars?

Obi-Wan: Yes. I was once a Jedi knight, the same as your father.

LUKE: I wish I'd known him.

OBI-WAN: Your father thought he was a hot shot pilot when I first met him in spite of the fact that he was only nine years old and could barely win a pod race. He thought he was the best star pilot in the galaxy, but he wasn't. I don't mind flying, but whenever he was in the cockpit, it wasn't flying; it was suicide. He was an overrated warrior who could not win a fight without having the high ground. I understand that you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a lousy friend.

 

OBI-WAN: Which reminds me....I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it....nah, just kidding. I actually took it from your father whilst giving him one last patronizing speech as he lay there with his limbs chopped off, burning to death. Yep. True story. Anyway, here it is. Remember, don't lose it because this weapon is your life!

 

*Greedo sits down across from Han*

*Han and Greedo stare at each other for a few seconds*

HAN: So who shoots first? You shoot first? I shoot first?

(I know it's not PT, but I couldn't resist!)

 

Lol! I believe an exception could be made for that one.

 

YODA: A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack......except Force pushes and Force KO's....totally okay, those are.

 

Han: Tell Jabba that I've got his money.
Greedo: No problem. A friend warned me that picking fights would lead me to a bad end, so I won't bother you.

Luke: Ben, why didn't you tell me that my father was a whiney creep? You told me that he was a good friend.
Obi-Wan: I said he was a good friend, but I didn't say that he was a good husband. He never whined with me.

 

Obi-Wan to Luke: "Sand People move in single file to conceal their numbers. Look at the blaster scoring, it is consistent with an imperial stormtrooper attack."

Luke: "You mean they shot the Jawas aaaand everything else?"

 

OBI-WAN: That boy is our last hope.

YODA: No. There is another.

OBI-WAN: Again with the girl! We've been over this. I simply do not trust women! All they do is drive men to join the dark side. Then they die. The end.

YODA: ...........Know you anymore, I do not.

 

*After being knocked out of the trench by Han's shot and the collision with the other TIE fighter*

Vader: I'll try spinning. That's always a good trick.

 

BIGGS: Luke, at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?

LUKE: It'll be just like Boonta Eve back home.

 

VADER: “I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.”

OB-1: "You can't win Darth- wait..when you left me?! Oh I don't think so. You tried doing the flip that I did on Maul, but then you got sliced up like a pie because the writers realized how exposed that maneuver was. Then I left you."

VADER: "From my point of view you're wrong...and your powers are weak...old man!"

OB-1: "Are you crying Darth?"

 

VADER: Your powers are weak, old man. I have a higher Midi-chlorian concentration than you.

 

Palpatine: I can feel your anger, which is what I also told your father when I revealed my status as a Sith Lord.

 

LUKE: I'll not leave you here. I've got to save you.

VADER: You already have, Luke...besides - I've lost the will to live so I'm just going to die now.

 

(Luke watches in amazement as Yoda lifts his X-wing)
LUKE: I don't believe it.
YODA: That.....is not why you fail. Low midi-chlorian count you have, because skipped a generation they did!....hehehehe....*cough*......sucks to be you, it does.

 

Obi-Wan: That's no moon...that's a bigger version of part of a Trade Federation battleship.

 

Luke: I wish I could just wish away my feelings about you father, but I can't

 

Han: Didn't we just leave this party?
Luke: Didn't Master Windu say this party was over?

 

I know this is rewriting the OT, but I want to rewrite a PT moment to suit the OT if that's okay.

Palpatine: "Execute Order 66!"

(The Order 66 montage starts. Every time a clone turns on the Jedi, they miss. This causes the Jedi to take them out with ease. No Jedi casualties)

 

Vader takes out Luke's lightsaber and ignites it.

"I see you've constructed a new lightsaber. I did this when I was nine years old. It's the first thing a Jedi does in training. Your training is complete. Indeed you are powerful as the Emperor has foreseen".

 

My sides were hurting from laughter after this.

 

Leia: General Obi-Wan Kenobi. Years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Actually I should apologize Sir, my father has always exaggerated to make himself sound more important. He means you served the Republic represented by the Senate of which he was one member representing some piss-ant planet. Anyway, now he begs you to help in his struggle against the Empire. Not that you have much choice, I've just led a Star Destroyer & a horde of Imperials to your secret hide-out. This is your most desperate hour. Good luck!

Obi-Wan: You must learn the ways of the Living Force if you're to become my new Padawan.
Luke: Padawan? I can't be a Padawan. I have to get home, I'm late as it is. Besides, I don't know what the hell a Padawan is!
Obi-Wan: That's your uncle talking.

Luke: I wanna come with your to Alderaan. There's nothing for me here now. I wanna learn the ways of the Living Force & become a Padawan like my father.
Ben: Good call Luke. I have every confidence you'll pass this simple standard blood screening. Sleeve up please.

 

Vader and Obi fighting on the Death Star. Vader closes blast door, trapping Obi on the other side. Obi plunges saber through door.
Vader: They are still coming through!
Stormtrooper: This is impossible!
Vader: Where are those droidekas?

On Leia's ship.
Vader: Bring me the passengers, I want them alive!
Stormtrooper: Rodger Rodger, take them to Camp 4.

In Cloud City, Lukes saber falls down shaft after Vader cut his hand off.
Obi Ghost: Luke, that weapon is your life!

Vader: Luke, I am your father!
Luke: Can you teach me how to murder children just like you daddy, PLEASE?

In Obi's house.
Obi: Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it.
Luke: What is it?
Obi: Your father's mediclorian counter.
Luke: That's lame, I was hoping for the weapon he used to murder a tribe of sand people and a bunch of children!

 

Luke: You fought in the Clone Wars?
Obi-Wan: Yes.
Luke: Boy, I heard they were incredible. Those Clones must've been tough!
Obi-Wan: Oh the Clones were on our side.
Luke: What?
Obi-Wan: Yes we fought alongside the Clones.
Luke: So...who did you fight against?
Obi-Wan: Robots.
Luke: Robots??
Obi-Wan: Yes Luke, robots. We almost always fought against robots in the old days.
Luke: Then why call them the Clone Wars? Why not the robot wars? Ah the robots named the war then?
Obi-Wan: No we did.
Luke: [Looks confused]
Obi-Wan: Luke what is the problem?
Luke: Well I dunno, I just always imagined the Jedi were up against a fearsome Clone army. What were the robots like?
Obi-Wan: Oh they were easy to defeat. We cut through them like butter. I remember one time I was against thirty of them & I...
Luke: Anyway it's getting late. I'd better get going.
Obi-Wan: Wait Luke, wait. Don't you want to become a Jedi?
Luke: Nah [leaves].
Obi-Wan: Luke wait [shouting]. There was this one robot who had sort of, internal organs…& real eyes. It was amazing. Come back!!

 

The Clone being the so called ''good guys'' of the Clone Wars was actually clever on the part of Lucas. In actuality, they were the force that eroded the Republic away and helped usher in the Empire.