Star Wars (in Glaswegian) Episode IV - Ra Polis Strike Back

You ever going to finish this thing??

Half a job Donk as usual

 

getitrightupyee SDM !

where've you been hiding for the last X years:?

things have changed round here.... we've been annexed by the northern english and they ban folk for using words that the flipping Beano publishes every week.... so how I'm meant to finish this scots vernacular masterpiece without a succession of petty pms from the admins, I really do not know.

Quite possible I'm just gonna move it lock, stock and barrel to myspace, where I can set it up as chapter/blogs and add the accompanying Glasgow photies we discussed.

you still working down George Sq?

 

Listen bawbag!

Howsitgoan?

No longer working in George Sq. I have left the seedy world of profession consultancy and now work in Industry - best move I have made to be honest. I decided to take my career a bit more seriously so daytime posting was not really possible. Got totally peed off with the other boards anyway so it was a good time to cease posting. Then I lost the link so can't go back even if I wanted to!

How's the wee yin, she looks a wee smasher I have to say and a future heartbreaker!

Cheers,

SDM

 

the wee yin is good, and has been (entirely accidentally I may add) indoctrinated into the whole sci-fi thing.

If she's not eating her tea, I can bribe her by offering to stick a SW film on the telly. Works every time.

She likes the wookiees.

Link to home is
http://www.model-employee.co.uk/boards/viewforum.php?f=1

pop in and say hello occasionally.

well, probably say something stronger than 'hello'. You know the score.

 

EXTERIOR: the not-that-pretty Stirlingshire village of Croy.
INTERIOR: Capri Falcon

"WHAT?." Gasped Senga "is that fecking awfy smell?"

It was 5 am, and the Capri Falcon was rolling into Croy, through clouds of nasty yellow fog, lit only by the mean glow of the pre-dawn sun way below the eastern horizon.

"If I know Bandy, that?ll be the steam off one o? his special after-hours production runs," ventured Handsome. "Cheap ingredients, boiled up quick? and it?ll probably taste worse than it smells?"
"Jaysus. Are we gonna have to breathe that ALL the time we?re hiding here?"
"Hold yir wheesht sweetheart. Yiv just spend several nights on the run, in a Ford Capri with one working window, crammed in with Chewin? Baccy and that pair of pish-panted jakies? a change of smell will do you good. Apart from that, the yeast confuses the crap out of sniffer dogs," he added.

Through the murk, a set of crudely welded ? but extremely sturdy-looking ? metal gates loomed, supported on either side by snowchem white pillars, one of which was home to a wee grey intercom box.
Solo stopped the car and got out, walking forwards into the arc of his own headlights, up to the pillar and the intercom.

BZZZZT

The buzzer was uncomfortably loud in the chill morning silence.
After an uncomfortably long pause, a bad-tempered voice crackled back through the intercom.
"Whit? It?s 5 am, whit is it?"
Conspiratorially, Handsome leant in close to the ?com and murmured: "Ehhhh. I?m looking for Bandy? Bandy Caledonian? Could you tell him its?."
"Stay exactly where you are," snapped the voice, even more bad-temperedly.
Abruptly, Solo and his compatriots in the car were caught in the almost unbearably bright glare of a bank of spotlights mounted just behind the gate.
"I wiz TRYING to keep this quiet," snapped Solo, who turned on his heel, back towards the cover of the car? only to freeze in his tracks when he heard the unmistakable stereo "THWIP THWIP " of two air rifle pellets going past each of his ears.
"Alright alright" he said, out loud to whoever may be listening, Ah?m. Staying. Exactly. Where. Ah. Am". He raised his arms, as much to protect his head as to signal obedience.

The gates swung open, inwards, and the flood of light from within intensified.
The voice that had been on the intercom returned, hugely amplified through a speaker mounted near the spotlights.
"You! the oldest swinger in town?walk through the gates. You in the car! start yir engine, follow him in at walking pace."
"Its JUST like the fecking Wizard of Oz," snarled Senga, as Chewin? Baccy gunned the motor back to life and started to crawl forward. "This Bandy certainly knows how to make us feel wanted?"

The Falcon had only just cleared the gate when it swung firmly closed behind them. Handsome, still holding his hands to his head, stood just ahead of the car.
Senga slipped out of the passenger side door and walked to his side.

"I thought you said this guy was yir pal?"
"He is. He is! We grew up together. I?ve eaten tea at his maw?s house?

"Andyivshaggedhissister" growled Chewin? out the Falcon?s window.

"I?m sure he?s forgotten about that?"

"Upthearse?" added Chewin?, nodding.

"SHHHHhut-it, ya knobber. He doesn?y know that bit."

As abruptly as they came on, the spotlights went off, leaving our heroes blinking in the murk of the distillery?s loading yard. Their eyes had little time to recover before a party of dark figures emerged from the vast bulk of the distillery tower, and strode purposefully towards them.
The figure at the front had his hands stuffed deep in his pockets and his head was down like a sulking schoolboy?. but his companions were all carrying what looked suspiciously like baseball bats.
This threatening entourage stopped 10 yards from Solo.

"Ya durty car-stealing, sister-shagging TOSSER! You?ve got a pure brass neck buzzing me up at 5am, so you have," said the man at the front, still staring at his own feet?. then he looked up and, under his breath, so quietly only Solo could just about lip read it, he added "

 

Sheepshagger sighed and slid down till the jacuzzi's bubbling water was only just below his nose....

Across the pristine white tiles of the steamy bathroom, glamour model, Lucy Pinder, stood, naked except for a pair of red high heels, brushing her hair in front of the full length mirror mounted on the opposite wall.

"Hey baby," purred Luke, "why don't you nip to the fridge and get us a couple of cans of Strongbow ? and one of those chilled Mars Bars©? I fancy another round of 'Mick and Marianne'......"

"Oh you naughty naughty boy," giggled Lucy, turning to face Luke. "Why don't I just jump straight back in and we can play 'Bill and Monica' for a bit first?"

"Oh yeaaaaah"

She bent down to unclasp her heels, and Luke didn't even bother to fight the urge to check out the view in the mirror behind her.....

But it wasn't Lucy's curvy derriere he saw in the mirror.

Instead, he saw Senga, sitting strapped to a chair under a bare light bulb, with one blackened eye and a rivulet of blood running from her left nostril.... behind her, a dark figure stood, brandishing a gleaming carpet cutter..... and on the floor in front of her, lay the body of a middle-aged man with blonde highlights and overtight trousers, with what looked very much like a stainless steel meat cleaver buried between his shoulders...

"AAAAGH" shouted Luke

"What's wrong baby? Water too hot for you?" said Lucy, in a suprisingly growly voice for a 25 year old Essex girl.

"AAAAAAAGH" shouted Luke, again, with more feeling, as he noticed the jacuzzi was no longer a whirlpool of irridescent bubbles, but a cauldron of boiling brown liquid, stinking of yeast and .... and.... yes, definitely, cheap whisky.

Lucy had a hat on now, tipped low on her head, so her eyes were shaded by the brim..... leaving only her perky wee nose and thick black moustache visible.....
Moustache ?

"Come to Daddy, ya wee bawbag," she growled, striding towards the fermenting jacuzzi.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH"

----------------------

Sheepshagger say bolt upright in his bunk, stoated his head off the ceiling of Old Dan's miniscule wee hut, and slumped back to the fusty, drool-encrusted pillow.

"Whit the fudge was that all about?," he gasped, wiping sweat from his eyes.

"The future you see," said Old Dan , who preferred the bottom bunk, due to his rheumatics, and cos it was easer to get up to the bog during the night.

"Senga...... Handsome...... getting pure leathered...... murdered....."

"Mibbes aye, mibbes no, never tell can you till the future you reach."

"I've got to find them... gie them haunners...."

"Yir choice it is, how to help yir pals. If steaming in you now go, save them you might, but blow yir chances of passing yir Nedi exams you definitely would, and the hassle I have had training you, all for nothing it will have been......."

 

//crickets





// tumbleweed







// a lone wolf howls, far in the distance

 

Excellence itself

 

Hee hee!


Greetings from a proud conscript of the glorious Greek Armed Forces (registered trademark)

 

comedy gold as always

 

Do you get a daily souvlaki ration?

 

yir not REALLY in the greek army are you?

does that not mean you have to shoot turkish people on sight or something?

 

No, we get pizzas as well.

Yes I am. It's obligatory here. And no, our duties involve the daily toilet cleaning.


OMHROI.ORG

 

Bump.

 

mucho grassy-ass

 

of course, now I've whined this back to the top, I'll have tio write some more of it...... our heroes have been hanging about Bandly Caledonian's ilict distillery for FAAAAAAAAR too long.

 

Heh, distillery.

 

*anticipation*