Star's Worst Movies: Gary Oldman: Tiptoes (2004)

Katherine Heigl: Caffeine (2007)

Costarring Mena Suvari and Breckin Meyer

Tagline: ''There's always something strange brewing''

''I've always wanted to do a British accent,'' Heigl says on the DVD extras. Let's be good sports and start with the ­positive news here: (1) The Grey's ­Anatomy actress' accent is fine. (2) That's all we've got. Look, we loved Heigl in Knocked Up, but romantic comedies don't come less romantic (or ­comedic) than this painful, ­low-budget, London-set doozy about the wacky sexual ­shenanigans of the staff of a Central Perk-style coffeehouse. It's so amateurish it looks like it was shot on the wax paper left over from one of the café's scones.

Most Embarrassing ­Moment During an excruciating blind date, Heigl daydreams about a clown in a rainbow wig pleasuring himself."

 

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

That's the point in the script where, if you haven't already, you say, "Thanks, but no."

 

Isn't it just easier to list the Heigl movies that aren't terrible?

 

Seriously.


For a long time, they used to play of loop of "Killers" for a long time at the local Target. Yeah, no thanks.

 

I'll have what she's having.

 

Christian Bale: Equilibrium (2002)

[image=http://www.compleatseanbean.com/eq-poster.jpg]

Costarring Taye Diggs and Emily Watson

Tagline: ''In a future where freedom is outlawed, outlaws will become heroes''

Who doesn't have a sweet tooth for Bale's fun post­apocalyptic dragon-slaying epic, Reign of Fire? But there's nothing to savor in this shameless ­Matrix clone with a pasty-faced Bale standing in for Neo. If this is the future, then the future needs a better director, or at least a tanning booth. The highlight is the film's ''Gun Kata'' ­sequences, where dudes do ­ninjalike battle with machine guns ? not by firing them, mind you, but by hitting each other with them (which kind ?of ­defeats the whole point of ­having a gun in the first place). Explaining his choice to star in both Reign and this flop, the soon-to-be Oscar winner told EW in 2007, ''Um, they were experiments for me. And I hope I make more experiments in the future, but more successful experiments.''

Most Embarrassing Moment Bale defies ­authority by refusing to take his mandated sense-deadening meds, which awakens his long-buried sense of empathy, which in turn makes him want to save a puppy from being killed.

 

EQUILIBRIUM is somewhat famous, among producers at least, for generating Kurt Wimmer's notorious comment
that, despite overwhelming critical derision, "The paying customers seemed to get it."

The production costs were $20 million; the film's world total gross rentals were $5 million.

 

I suspect that the paying customers were looking for a warm place to sleep.

 

No way. This movie is deeply flawed, but to find worse in his filmography you can look to Terminator Salvation and Royal Deceit and The Secret Agent and Mary, Mother of Jesus and Shaft and Harsh Times and even Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Been in his fair share of mediocre movies, has Christian Bale.

 

What.

This movie is one of my favorites. Yes it's really cheesy in alot of ways, but it's alot of fun at the same time.

 

How can you not like a movie that features yet another Sean Bean Death (tm)?

 

Haven't seen it, but it'd have to be a real stinker to beat Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Or Terminator Salvation, for that matter.

 

Leonardo DiCaprio: Don's Plum (2001)

Costarring Tobey Maguire and? Kevin Connolly

Tagline: ''Never say what you think''

"After Titanic turned ­DiCaprio into the King of the World, an ex-pal, director R.D. Robb, ­surfaced with this grainy black-and-white slice of lost-generation misogyny, in which the baby-faced actor (it was shot pre-Titanic, in 1995) and his ­posse of twentysomething L.A. pals bully the female characters, calling them ''bitches'' and worse. Not surprisingly, this was a movie DiCaprio didn't want his fans to see, claiming he made it as a favor for his friend and never ­expected it to play theatrically. After some ­legal wrangling, a settlement ensured that ?the film would never come to a ­theater (or DVD store or streaming ­service) near you. In fact, as part of the agreement ?it can be shown only outside of the U.S. and Canada.

Most Embarrassing ­Moment DiCaprio, sporting a pair of novelty ­buckteeth, picks his nose, then eats his booger to get a laugh."

 

This is why you never do an idiot a favor.

 

Jennifer Aniston: Leprechaun (1993)

Costarring Warwick Davis
Tagline: ''Her luck just ran out''

"Given how bad this jolly green **** is, it's shocking (yet kind of impressive) that they've managed to wring a half-dozen movies out of the Leprechaun franchise to date (including our personal favorite, 2003's Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood). Of course, we'll always have? a soft spot for the original, ­because that's where we first ?fell for our favorite Friend. Not that Aniston shares our feelings. When asked by an Irish ­journalist if she had wanted to ­apologize to his countrymen for the film, she responded, ''I should have apologized. But didn't that punish me enough?'' She has a point. After all, Aniston was forced to wear mom-jean shorts, high-top aerobics sneakers, and a feigned look of terror (or maybe not so feigned, come to think of it) as she runs from a three-and-a-half-foot-tall homicidal troll.

Most Embarrassing ­Moment ­Aniston burns the Leprechaun's nose with her pickup truck's cigarette lighter."

 

To be fair, there IS an astonishingly funny scene in the movie, where the Leprechaun is chasing after Jennifer Anison, down a long street, riding a child's big wheel, that's shot in such high speed, he's just zoooooming down the road.

I'm sure that will be more than enough to keep the stoners, and twelve year olds, to keep the series going.

I mean, it'e either a Ewok, or a Leprechaun.

You can't have both!!!

 

Paul Rudd: Gen-Y Cops (2002)

Costarring Maggie Q

Tagline: ''Justice...with an attitude''

"Wowza. This must be seen to be believed. Never mind that Rudd, who's 42, is actually a member of Gen-X. Such technicalities seem unavoidable when you're playing a peroxide-blond, hair-trigger FBI agent sent to Hong Kong to ­retrieve a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers-looking robot from a band of ­badly dubbed slapstick terrorists. Not only does Rudd get to ham it up Jackie Chan-style in an underwater gunfight, he also gets to deliver the following line: ''Keep flappin', dickhead! You're the one going to the bamboo ­Alcatraz!''

Most Embarrassing Moment Rudd barks, ''Roseanne Barr Arnold will be President of the United States before you two punks see the light of day.''

 

I'm just glad Rudd is finally considered a "star."

 

Sandra Bullock: Fire on the Amazon (1993)

[image=http://www.film.queensu.ca/cj3b/Photos/MovieFrames/Amazon/FireOnTheAmazonPoster.jpg]

Costarring Craig Sheffer

Tagline: ''Fight fire with fire''

"A year before Speed turned her into America's Sweetheart, Bullock starred in this jungle adventure she'd no doubt ­rather forget. Set in Bolivia's Amazon basin, the cheapie is full of ­clichéd dialogue like ''The rain forest is no place for a gringo,'' said with straight faces. Bullock plays a fiery ­fanny-pack-wearing crusader helping the locals ­battle greedy land developers. But the real reason to check it out is the scene in which Bullock and Sheffer, with tribal stripes painted on their faces, drink a vision-quest potion given to them by the ­natives and make hungry, groping, raw slo-mo love in a bamboo hut to the strains of ­exotic pan-flute music. ¡Dios mio!

Most Embarrassing ­Moment Bullock licks the sweat off Sheffer's chest as if it were the salty rim of a margarita."

 

Whoa whoa whoa! What is EQUILIBRIUM doing on this list?

Gun-kata is awesome, man!

Fun-fact: I worked as an Audio-Visual tech at the local university. One night i was sent out to trouble shoot one of our movie theatre-style lecture halls for some issue with the projector cutting out. My test dvd for the night was "EQUILIBRIUM". I started it running, and about 2 minutes in, a group of about 4 students popped in and said "whoa what are you watching?" Sat down. Then about 5 minutes later, another group of students, and then another group....and before i knew it i had a full house sitting in there watching "EQUILIBRIUM" with me while i tested.

That flick is criminally UNDERRATED, if anything!

EDIT: Paul Rudd's worst is HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS.

 

I can't imagine that any movie of Bullock's could be worse than Hope Floats.

 

Meg Ryan: My Mom's New Boyfriend (2008)

Costarring Antonio Banderas and Colin Hanks

Tagline: ''His mom is dating his suspect. Let the surveillance begin.''

"The When Harry Met Sally... star has appeared in more bad movies than good ones during the past decade (The Women, Serious Moonlight, etc.). But this one stands out for being the most self-aggrandizing. Basically, Ryan dons a fat suit at the outset of the film so that everyone else can later tell her how hot she is when she loses weight and ­blossoms into a ­sexually ­liberated mom on the prowl. It's like Cougar Town crossed with The Klumps. The direct-to-DVD dud costars ­Antonio Banderas as a smooth art thief whom the post-makeover Ryan falls for, and Colin Hanks as her FBI-agent son who's onto the Latin lothario. This time around, we won't have what she's ­having.

Most Embarrassing ­Moment Ryan, in a latex fat suit, sits on the floor at the ­airport gorging herself on a bag of Krispy Kremes."

 

That sounds like the product of a "How can we make a bad movie?" focus group. From the terrible tagline to the idiotic premise to the fourth-stringers-plus-random-slumming-star-in-supporting-role cast.

 

Reese Witherspoon: Overnight Delivery (1998)

Costarring Paul Rudd

Tagline: ''When it comes to true love, can they go the distance?''

"We don't mean to gang up on Rudd. So with this aggressively lame road-trip rom-com, we'll focus on his costar, future Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon, who plays the least naughty stripper ever. After Rudd sends a letter to his long-distance girlfriend wrongly accusing her of cheating, he hits the road to retrieve it. Riding shotgun is Witherspoon's perky exotic dancer (stage name: Ivy von Trapp), who teaches Rudd that love had been in the front seat next to him all along. Asked about the film last year, Rudd told EW, ''We weren't redefining cinema in any way.'' That's putting it mildly."

Most Embarrassing Moment Witherspoon tells Rudd she's having a hard time staying on her side of the car due to his ''James Dean sexual heat.''