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Saga - OT The Black Star (OCs,Tendra Risant & other minor ECs | 3.5 ABY | Action, Black Comedy, Politics)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Ewok Poet, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Title: The Black Star
    Author: Ewok Poet
    Characters: OCs (see them here), [a young and not as badass yet] Tendra Risant, cameos may occur later in the story.
    Timeframe: Starts in 3.5 ABY, lasts for about six months
    Rating: PG-13 for excessive swearing on behalf of some characters and some violence
    Genre: Thriller/Black Comedy
    Canonicity: Strongly leaning towards the new canon, despite utilising some characters and places that are now Legends
    Length: Epic - crossed the 30K mark with the end of part one, with or without the first chapter appendix.

    Aloof and largely undecided about her future, 17-year-old Sacorrian Human Doria Vorr is spending most of her time arguing with her mother Maris, misjudging her friends and only confiding in her Drall neighbour, Gredda. An error in her university application, a chance meeting with a talkative government official, Gredda’s sudden departure and an unexpected friendship with offworlders will lead Doria far away from the familiar routine of Sacorrian life and further to the world she never thought she could become a part of.

    All my fics take place in a shared micro-universe that does not contradict anything that happens before the Sequel Trilogy and is therefore canon-compliant. If you have not read anything I have written before, you're more than welcome to, though it's not obligatory. Ask whatever you want to know - I will be happy to help! And flattered that you're interested!

    Links to "help files"
    - My OCs (original characters)
    - My fanon entry on Sacorria

    Links to related works, listed chronologically:
    Forever Away from Home
    - Midday Darkness // The Light Is Me, I Am The Light (the first of these in-universe books was referenced in chapter 9 of this story!)
    - Letters Never Sent
    - The Black Star
    - My short stories

    *If there is anything new in this shared universe, this list will be updated*

    Part I is now available as e-book. It's TOS-compilant, containing the very same version of the story as the one in this thread - not that there ever was any other.



    Dramatis Personae (part 1)

    Doria Vorr - Student with a confusing set of opportunities presented to her.

    Gredda - Engineer at AARIS. Doria's best friend.

    Tendra Risant - Student. Doria's friend. EC.

    Jan Katisver - One of Doria and Tendra Risant's friends.

    Dak Gauree - One of Tendra Risant's friends. Really dislikes Doria, has a crush on Tendra that she isn't willing to reciprocate.

    Maris Inesedam Vorr - Doria's mother.

    Code:Blue (Joak Bluestar Shykrill Glisse) - Former limmie player and CESA employee. Known for his "baby burp" goal celebration.

    Code: Red (Red Karnal Zhoorka) - Former limmie player and CESA employee. A party man with an affinity to round numbers.

    Charon San Valorum - Singer and quetarra player of the pronk wailer-group Deeply Religious. Nubian.

    Anra Renek - bassoon player and backing vocalist of Deeply Religious. Duros. Nubian.

    Master Koobs (Koobalt Nubes) - drummer of Deeply Religious. Ortolan. Nubian.

    Deeina Ferry - A mysterious young woman of many disguises. Aurean.

    GR-3 - Code:Blue's protocol droid and personal assistant. Musteline, female personality.

    Darse Loor - Cousin of [Legends character] Kirtan Loor, double agent working with Blobbo's crime empire AND the Galactic Empire. Corellian.

    Soleo - Citizen sold into slavery. Selonian. From Selonia.

    Aerenna Geelmen - Stormtrooper commander with a strange affinity to furry aliens. Corellian.

    Lt. Valoori Bargle - Stormtrooper. From Tarfaglio.

    Laoda Caraway Kaeni - co-owner of Hotel Taliore in Anaslinea-Hoc. Vagranite.

    Dale Pavan (Dandelion Roba Pavan) - Drummer in the group Steamy Wasaka Stew (SWS). Corellian.

    Wompy (Con Brochet) - Bassoon player in SWS. From Tralus, has lived on Corelllia since his teens.

    Antonio Nokaarbe - Singer and ladies' man in SWS. Supposedly from Kiffu, has lived on Corellia since his pre-teens.

    Brigada - Sacorrian Intelligence officer. Drall.

    Blobbo the Hutt (Blobbo Fasolia Toupé) - Crime lord residing in Anasliniea-Hoc. Corellian.

    Taggo - One of Blobbo's servants. Maggo's indentical twin brother. Toydarian. From Nar Shaddaa.

    Maggo - One of Blobbo's servants. Taggo's indentical twin brother. Toydarian. From Nar Shaddaa.

    Mousee - Blobbo the Hutt's obsessive-compulsive mouse droid. Female personality.

    Marinesca - Curheg woman who presents the guests with a traditional Sacorrian snack.

    Jar Jar Binks - Now, how did he get in here? EC. Gungan. From Naboo.

    Pretty Dadanna / Dadanna Sarkle - Popular singer, an idol to many girls on Sacorria.

    Her Drallship - Drall member of the Sacorrian Triad.

    His Humanship - Human member of the Sacorrian Triad.

    Her Selonianship - Selonian member of the Sacorrian Triad.

    Duchess Branna - Current leader of the R'vanye clan. Drall female.

    Dani Shykrill Glisse - Code:Blue's wife. Female.

    Ebe - Gredda's younger brother, Duchess Branna's nephew. Drall male. Non-speaking role.

    Sassvar Graba - Current quetarra player in SWS. Zabrak male. Corellian. Non-speaking role.

    Kutya - Gredda's mother and Duchess Branna's sister. Non-speaking role.

    Danyle - Gredda's father and Duchess Branna's brother-in-law. Non-speaking role.

    Tessar - Gredda's seconds-younger twin brother and the middle child of Kutya and Danyle.

    Taì, Aarla and Jenik Shykrill Glisse - Code:Blue and Dani's children. Non-speaking roles.

    Elesandre Vorr - Doria Vorr's father, Maris Inesedam Vorr's husband. Deceased. Mentioned only.

    Larax Antilless - Maris Inesedam Vorr's aunt who lives on Vagran. Mentioned only.

    Haylo Cipesz - The greast podracer in the history of Core World's far-less-harmless podracing.

    Jax Novo - Haylo Cipesz one-time rival, on a decline. Doria Vorr's celebrity crush. Mentioned only.

    Anjie Mencuri - former quetarra player for SWS, quit two years before the Battle of Yavin, presumably missing. Mentioned only.

    Aryan Geelmen - the older of the Geelmen siblings. Scientist. Mentioned only.

    Commoder Tahn - EC. Mentioned only.

    Padmé Amidala - EC. Mentioned only.

    Anakin Skywalker - EC. Mentioned only.

    Denaro - Larax Antilless' deceased husband. Selonian. Mentioned only.

    Jhorn Risant - Tendra Risant's father. Mentioned only.

    Nola Katisver - Jan Katisver's mother. Mentioned only.

    General Roko Porkley - Mentioned only.

    General Gordi Gauree - Dak Gauree's mother. Mentioned only.

    Dr. Aphra - EC. Indirect mention only.

    Kirtan Loor - The Imperial liaison officer to CorSec. EC. Indirect mention only.

    1. Ambitions

    Saccorata, Sacorria, fifth month of 3ABY/22 AE

    "My name? Doria Vorr. Profession I studied for? Agricultural technician. Biggest wish? To vacation on Vagran again someday...

    ...Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Ambitions? I never had them."

    She feared that they could assume from her facial expressions that she was lying.

    In reality, it was not that simple. To a certain extent, she did not lie. The brutal, pervasive truth is that she would often discover her ambitions long after whatever goal she was to pursue had long slipped out of her hands. In most cases, those goals would never find their way back to her, and they seemed normal to everybody else. In her young mind, the explanation, albeit abstract, was clear - whatever the fruits hanging way too high above were, the others must have really wanted them, they dedicated everything, every single droplet of matter to getting them.

    Her graduation speech wasn't cut short by applause. It took about half a minute of awkward silence before Gredda started clapping her furry hands from the front row. A couple of others shrugged and clapped along. They probably assumed that the Drall was hired to do this. Doria, relieved that she somehow didn't pay the high price of being honest, returned to the group of a couple of dozen of other students, all wearing the same long-sleeved red tunics and blue trousers and skirts.

    "Dear guests, these were all twenty-four graduates of the First Agricultural Institute of Saccorata. The delegate of Their Majesties extends her warmest wishes to these promising young individuals and hopes that they all will serve our planet and contribute to Progress and Unity the best way they can.“

    The group of students went to the large tables, nearly crumbling under the weight of food. It was a warm day and the refreshment was gone very fast, prompting a group of waiter droids to restock.

    Maris Inesedam Vorr did not attend her daughter's graduation. The mother and the daughter had a minor quarrel day earlier and thus were not speaking for what must have been the fifth time that month. Gredda, however, would not have missed this for anything in the world. The blonde-brownish Drall, wearing a black star pendant around her neck, had more patience than ten humans together and she would forgive Doria her shortcomings almost immediately. Furthermore, she did not have the same criteria for what a shortcoming was as Maris did.

    “You survived it. Congratulations, my friend!” She waved her short arms. Doria hugged her.

    “Thank you, Gredda. If anybody knows how unenthusiastic I have been about this joke of a ceremony, it’s you.”

    “Shusssh! You never know who might be listening to us.”

    “They can always ask what I am so unenthusiastic about if they care…and I am as bemused by what is inevitably going to happen tonight. They’re all going to get poodoo-drunk and convince themselves that they’re free, desirable and whatever else is common for…you know, young people.”

    “And you…?”

    “I hate whatever young people like!” the Human blurted out, taking a large bite of a grain bar covered in fruit. It was too chewy for her taste.

    “So, are you coming to the banquet Duchess Branna will be holding for the graduates from our clan? Tomorrow evening at seven.”

    “I would not miss that for anything in the world. And tonight, I’m going to tuck myself in, listen to some good pronk and sleep…in no particular order.”

    The two friends said goodbye to each other, as Gredda noticed the aforementioned Drall students and went to congratulate them. Doria continued in the direction of her home on the outskirts of Saccorata. The afternoon was more or less pleasant and she found herself rethinking her decision to have an early night. The idea of staying up at least until the sun actually goes down suddenly seemed appealing.

    "Doria! Wait up!"

    That was Tendra Risant's voice. She increased the pace, pretending not to have heard anything, until a bulky open-top Saygo landcar stopped right next to her.

    "I said wait up! Where you are going?"

    "Where there are no people like you." Doria blurted sotto voce, then turned around and smiled. “Home, to show mom this incredible piece of flimsi we just got.”

    “Aren’t you going to the party?”

    “Not feeling like it. Maybe in, say…8 years from now? I’m a busy person, you know?”

    She turned again and was about to leave, when Tendra spoke again.

    "I guess you’ll be free for other things, though? I thought you could teach me to ‘sheet one of these days."

    "Excuse me..? I may not be rich, but I don't clean bloody refreshers!"

    "HoloSheet, I bought a licensed copy from DOBY. I need to make myself look a tiny bit thinner in my application holo for the Dorthus Tal University. I still didn't send it!"

    "Aaah, HoloShed!" Doria snapped her fingers. She was confused so as to why would somebody like Tendra need to take an entrance exam either way, given how powerful her family.


    “Yes, I can help you. Comm me early next week or something. Now I really have to go.”

    “Okay…you may want to watch out for those…” Tendra and her three male companions stood still as their classmate was taking a shortcut through a dust corn field.“…grain flies.”

    The daughter of a government legislator had no idea what was going on. Two of her three friends, however, started giving their own points of view as soon as the red graduation robe disappeared among the long stalks.

    "That disgusting little rodent is filling Doria's head with those...outlandish concepts of theirs. A female ruling the Galaxy someday, some Angel types of things having built the Corellian system, the outside world being in the middle of a devastating, all-around war rather than just terrorist acts committed by Rebel scum, the Triad not having any powers at the moment..."

    The blond one stuck up his nose. "I don't think it's the Dralls, Dak. She's unhinged to begin with.”

    The third young man just shrugged and grinned.

    “Porky and Dak, you are both ridiculous. Have you ever been lonely? Say, how many ‘right’ people can we hang out with and how many years left of freedom do we have until we’re stuck in Dorthus Tal’s administration jobs and elite parties, forever?”

    “Tendra …wake up and smell the caf." The overweight blonde one whom she addressed as Porky spoke again. "You are living a strange fantasy and it’s time to cut it out. Haven’t these four years in Saccorata with all of the grassroots scum taught you anything? They don’t like us, they don’t want to mingle and they’re all crazy. You just happen to be desperate to befriend the craziest among them.” He stopped for a moment. "Jan, of course that you have no opinion here. You never seem to have an opinion on anything Doloria-related. Whoops, I called my lying ex-girlfriend that!"


    "Vorr E, Doria. Honors: none." Maris shook her head, looking at the diploma bearing the sharp, red, star-shaped logo of the Institute.

    "No honors, but I did graduate with the average of 4.6. For honors, you’d have to be very serv...”

    "Your father was right. If you had dedicated as much time to studying as you did to having your head in the clouds, you would have been in Dorthus Tall by now, with the perspective of eventually working in administration one day!"

    Nobody asked Doria if she wanted such a thing in the first place. But the next sentence angered her even further.

    "And you could have married a government official!"

    "Yes, government...that exists. And it’s always been a dream of mine to marry young and die of ennui. Sure, mom."

    If this had been somebody from her circle of not-really-friends-to-begin-with, they would have raised their eyebrows at the claim that the government does not exist, and if that had been Gredda, she would have warned her not to say such things out loud. But this was mom, the one who never seemed to have listened to anybody other than herself, as if she was admiring the sound of her own, dramatic, high-pitched voice.

    "This way, you may not end up being anything more than somebody repelling the grain flies off the rear of a huge, price-winning beast of burden!"

    "Don’t they have droids for such purpose? The KR-1FF ones?”

    “Sure, KR-1FF… wait a moment, I am not falling for that! Doria, you’re being a complete immature youngling again. Sometimes I wonder why I ever bother. Ever since your father had died, I practically have no reason to live.”

    Maris broke down. Her daughter tried to comfort her, but she pushed her away.

    “Get out of my sight. NOW!”

    Doria went to her room, pulled down the blinds, kicked off her shoes, changed into a mismatching tracksuit pants and a tesh-tunic and climbed up in the bunk bed. She pulled out the datapad, activated the option #4 for bypassing the government surveillance and was about to spend the rest of the day reading up on a couple more obscure Outer Rim planets. Everything was better than crying herself out to sleep and replaying the entire day; which – to her – seemed more brutal than any holovid one could come across among the shelves in the heavily controlled rental across the field from the Vorrs’ home.

    The HoloNet was down again. Recently, it had been happening so often that she lost count. She could have got up out of the bed and gone to the living room, where her mother was probably watching some cheesy holocomedy and laughing out loud as if she wasn’t claiming her life had no purpose come half an hour ago. She could have, but she didn’t feel like having another argument.

    First Agricultural Institute of Saccorata - Farmschool/Lyceum in the biggest city (but not the capital and the administrative centre) of Sacorria. Fanon.

    DOBY - a joint venture of two corporations from Nubia, known for their ground-breaking, Galaxy-wide famous software Holoshed, as well as Stylus, HyperThreads, Thunderoo, HyperFilmsi. Coming up by 4ABY: HoloMatinee and Starfield - HOLOSHED, BUT FOR HOLOVIDEOS!!! Fanon.

    Holoshed - A renowned tool for sophisticated holography editing, the use of which among amateurs is often frowned upon by professionals. Though DOBY was never in direct control of the Empire, it has been rumoured that the Imperial Intelligence is using a special, advanced version of Holoshed for psychological war. Holoshed is so popular that a neologism "holosheding" ended up in the University of Coruscant dictionary of modern Basic; meaning "to enhance one's features by the use of Holoshed". Fan.

    Landcar - for some reason, Sacorrian landspeeders are called this. Fan.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
  2. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 27, 2005
    Interesting beginning! I've always found the Corellian system to be one of the more intriguing of the EU.

    Great to see a young Tendra in this - and a nice nod to her description in the Corellian trilogy by her wanting to make herself a little thinner in her entrance holo :p
    AzureAngel2, Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  3. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Thank you. :)

    Sure you meant sector and not system? As for Tendra, I am trying to give her some backstory that may make her annoying in the eyes of a lower middle class kid, but she will have a softer side.

    More coming up soon.
    AzureAngel2, Kahara and JadeLotus like this.
  4. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    This is still the first chapter, just so you know. By now, almost all the major characters of the story have been introduced, so consider this to have been the "pilot episode".

    A week later in Dorthus Tal City, Dorthus Tal Island, Sacorria

    Code:Blue was bored at work. Getting used to sitting in the office all day and wearing a suit instead of his beloved limmie jersey was something he took hard. He was more than willing to help people, but getting used to the real world and realising that, despite his idealistic views of it, it might have been worse than he ever had thought, was taking some time. The truth was slowing him down and, sometimes, coming closer to wiping off the broad smile off his face, or at least reducing it to a stiff-teethed spasm. This time, he spent the whole day stamping requests, pleas and similar documents. And his former co-star in the Sacorrian Motherworld Team, now a fellow administrative, was nowhere to be seen.

    "Are you sleeping at work again, Crybaby?" Somebody spoke right into his ear, with the last word yelled out loud. Blue squeaked, as if the words had been spoken through a loudhailer. Code: Red stood next to him.

    "Heh, last time I checked, you were a Human representative, not a Drall. You sure there's no Drall folk in your family lineage? That one of your grandmothers…"

    "Very funny, Red." Code:Blue crossed his arms.

    "Lighten up, Crybaby, lighten up! It's a nice day and we have only fifteen minutes left. Your family is taking a vacation, so why wouldn't you take your chances for once and hit a cantina with me? We don't play limmie no more, we don't hafta be sober...I swore to all possible deities of all possible species that someday I'll get you drunk on some aged Seven Rivers whiskey!"

    Blue was offended. "Who do you think I am? No, no and for the last time, no. I sent Dani and the younglings on a vacation so I could get as much work done as possible and then, eventually join them at the seaside resort. Also, we're not done for the day, by any means. We have to go through the list of students from Saccorata who applied to the Dorthus Tal University after the deadline had been extended...and there are some artists needing an approval to exhibit their work on our planet.“

    Red was not too keen on getting work done, but he sat down.

    “Are there any hot female students?” He gacked the datapad and started searching through data, “Oh, poodoo, this one is a Selonian, yet wearing something that looks like a petticoat. My eyes! I need a new pair of eyes! Hmmm…Tendra Risant. A local who, for some odd reason, studied at the FAIS. I like her hair. But something seems to be wrong with her body!”

    “Red! How dare you say that, the Gods have made everything and everybody beautiful!”

    “This time it’s not my pickiness. Look at the holo before you assume that I’m a nerf herder, won’t you?”

    Blue reluctantly gave a second look to the image of a young woman with strawberry blonde hair. Her arms seemed unnaturally thin, same for her legs.

    “I can see what you mean right now. She could, however, be a model. Models have…arms…and legs. My Aarla could be a model, too."

    “I truly don’t understand how the world works sometimes. The part I fail to understand most is how you managed to get married and father three children.” Red pointed his index finger at his workmate's chest.

    Blue sighed. Every other day at the limmie field back in the days looked like this. Nothing changed since they got hired. His partner in crime was sarcastic, bordering on abusive from day one. He quietly continued reading the documents for the day, doing the best he knew to be a proper, hard-working Sacorrian. For the next twenty minutes, as he was typing on his datapad, Red starred through the window, occasionally tooka-calling the women passing by, knowing that they could not spot him - the Square Building was fifty stories tall and all the windows looked the same.

    “This is it. I am bored. See you after the holidays, Crybaby!”

    “How about you help me with this one? A pronk band named Dee…”

    Red had already slammed the door. Blue was by himself once again. He shrugged and continued reading the e-mail out loud, to himself.

    “A pronk band named Deeply Religious would like to take part in the Cobble Stone Square Youth Music Festival this year. The plea was signed by all three members – their Human singer and quetarra player Charon San Valorum. Form, I wonder if he is related to that politician, that playwright and…whoever else! Anra Reken, their Duros bassoon player…and their Ortolan drummer, Koobalt Nubes. I am not sure what genre of music 'pronk' is, but I am sure they mean well. They sound non-threatening to me. Young comrades and comradettes need some good role models!”

    Without any further thinking, Blue copied and pasted the entrance approval template and attached a couple of mandatory flyers promoting the Triad, the famed Sacorrian Seven Rivers whiskey and the artisans of the Cobble Stone district of Dorthus Tal City.


    Nuba City, Nubia, minutes later

    Pronk bassoon player Anra Renek was surprised by the e-mail that just flashed on the screen of the datapad. His friend Koobalt Nubes, who was until then sitting in an exceptionally large armchair, watching podracing on the viewscreen, got up.

    “What happened? I hope I didn’t move my rear for nothin'.”

    "Approved! We have been approved! This makes no sense - it's Sacorria we're talking about!”

    “How by Nubes did this happen? What does it say further on? Who approved you?"

    "Somebody who signs their e-mails with Code:Blue."

    Anra looked at his stocky friend and he could swear that his trunk just went up in the air. They were not good at reading each other’s expressions, with one of them looking permanently sad and the other being extremely lazy when not in proximity of food or his beloved set of drums. However, they could both read Charon San Valorum, their Human frontman, who had just entered the rehearsal space, carrying three cold bottles. His face lit up, as he jumped up and down.

    "No way! No way! Holy Mandalore Varactyl with constipation! That guy was a limmie player until, like...last year! He and that other guy, Code:Red were my favourite people ever. They beat the poodoo out of Naboo in the Galactic Cup finals some three years ago and he is responsible for that weird baby burp dance everybody is doing nowadays."

    Anra was not too familiar with limmie, but the “weird baby burp dance” seemed familiar from somewhere. Has he heard of this person before?

    “These are the three very last bottles of Aldeerani beer, by the way,“ Charon said as he re-read the e-mail over Anra’s shoulder, “They must be worth thousands of credits among some sick Imperial folk, but I don’t care. We managed to fool the most notorious administration known to the Core Worlds! And this time next week, we will be drinking the famed Sacorrian whiskey, anyway!”

    For the next couple of minutes, they chugged their beer and then Koobalt spoke again, with the same excitement, as if he was unable to believe that their complex fraud paid out, for a change.

    Anra broke the silence. “So, the 12th of this month, at the Cobble Stone Square in Dorthus Tal. I am still surprised by your courage, pal. We risked a lot of by choosing such a strange place to show our disobedience.”

    Charon winked at his friend and continued to peel off the adhesive flimsi label from his beer bottle. He did not seem to think that his plan was outrageous, in any way.

    “Anra, sometimes one needs to opt for the strangest scenarios possible in order to achieve what is necessary. And you know this. Sacorria is, after all, seemingly neutral compared to many other planets in the Sector. If we don’t give a kriff about the Imperial Board of Culture, we may as well not give a kriff about somewhere where we could gain alies…”

    Anra was suspicious. “How neutral is neutral in this case? Aren’t they dependent of the Corellian Diktat?”

    “Aren’t we? Let me help you: we are not. All the Nubian corporations made this a pretty harmless place to be in the face of this awful, awful war. The same way the Galactic Empire needs us for our technology, the whole sector needs Sacorria for their food and booze. Right? Now, let’s rehearse. If we’re to shock them, we need to be shocking enough.”

    Charon slammed his beer bottle against the sonipool table, grabbed the quetarra and played the riff to “Ooh, It Bites!”, the song that prompted the Imperial Board of Culture to take interest in the Nubian pronk scene.



    Anra Renek is a Clone Wars orphan, yet his name means King of Laughter in Durese. Isn't life ironic sometimes?

    I would assume that I don't have to explain the name Koobalt Nubes, especially not when Max Rebo's real name is actually Cerulean Phantele.

    While Deeply Religious are legends-canon, nobody ever elaborated on them; so I made them resemble an influential band from our planet. As the time passes by, it will become clear which band it is, this may depend on your knowledge of music. I am reinventing some actual punk scenes from our planet and some other bands as I go.

    pronk - punk in GFFA. The instruments in a pronk band would be quettara (of Zabrak origin, according to Wook), a bassoon and, well, good old drums.

    sonipool - my poor attempt at reinventing pool, billiard, snooker, whatev'
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
  5. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 27, 2005
    Very interesting OCs and glimpse into administrative work at the censorship office - I do wonder how Code Blue and Code Red ended up there as successful limmie players. The band characters also intrigue me with their plans for civil disobedience through artistic expression, and I look forward to learning how their stories coincide with Doria and Tendra.
  6. leiamoody

    leiamoody Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 8, 2005
    Those are definitely some interesting administrators...clearly the Empire is safe from seditious influences ;).
    I like the idea of the Deeply Religious being expanded upon by you (there were always those little elements in the Legends canon that looked intriguing, but were never fully explained). Looking forward to the rest of the story and seeing how truly influential the band winds up becoming in the long run. (Oh, and your concept of "pronk" as the GFFA version of punk is great!).
  7. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Thank you both for commenting. :)

    Not sure if anybody caught this, but there have got to be more applications for the university that Code:Blue, with his sudden obsession with how young people should have fun, somehow forgot. And there's got to be somebody who won't believe the application was ever sent.

    Will be expanded on at some point.

    While I cannot reveal anything at the moment, you're definitely on to something!

    Of course. With two people doing their job with such precision, because they're totally qualified for it, everything is guaranteed to be OK.

    The word pronk was somebody's play on the username of our fellow fanficcer, pronker , I believe. :D Now I have to go back to the advice thread and see who actually said it, so I can credit them.

    And I agree that some things need expansion, which is why I'm expandin'. :)
    AzureAngel2, Kahara and Findswoman like this.
  8. Kahara

    Kahara FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 4 VIP - Game Host

    Mar 3, 2001
    Okay, so I survived the week and have time to do this nifty tale some justice! :)

    Way to inspire the crowd, Doria! =D= ... [face_laugh] She really has this intensity of spiny, defensive self-awareness that radiates off the page. Like I said in chat, I can picture her expression so clearly -- go ahead and pretend if you want to, but I'm done with this shavit, it says. I like how throughout this, we see Doria as both an angry, egocentric teen and a product of her environment. She's not one or the other, but both, since she's seeing her choice as one between fake-happy (blech, and how can I blame her? Sacorria in this era does not sound like happy fun times...) and "get out of my way world, I just want to be left alone."

    Reading this brought back the un-nostalgia of remembering how weirdly narrowed one's focus is as a teen. I don't think I was the bitter emo kid of my world all the time, but I remember having that kind of locked-in thought process regarding some situations. Black and white, this or that, all the rules are made in advance by somebody else and the only alternative is to not care. Oh, the memories of woe. :p There are things I miss from the past but the experience of living in an adolescent brain is not one of them. You captured it really well!

    I'm interested at the appearance of the title's "black star" as Gredda's pendant and already wondering what significance it will have. Nice to see a Drall character (I liked them in the Corellian trilogy, if I recall correctly), and she's a good balancer/buffer to Doria's cynicism. Someone who gets it but isn't entirely drawn into the apathy. The one who'll stand up and clap for a demotivational speech at graduation. Reminds me of the saying, "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." Though I doubt they've been up to that much trouble. ;)

    [face_rofl] Bless her bitter little heart! Somehow, I feel like this is an apt summary of Doria Vorr in one sentence.

    Holoshed -- I liked this Star Wars-ization.

    The introduction of Tendra was really interesting; a completely different view than what little I remember of her in the books. Yet I can see how Doria-the-outsider sees this other girl as one of the popular crowd and wants none of her social invitations. And given the attitudes of Tendra's fellow riders, it's easy to see why she'd think that.

    These guys aren't even nerf herders. They're nerfs. :D

    Really interesting depiction of a much-younger Tendra. She has the compassion of older Tendra and a bit of her independence of spirit, but hasn't really had the chance to come into her own yet.

    Ah yes, everyone's goal -- to marry some bureaucrat like the clever boys at Code:Red & Blue's office. Truly an enticing prospect. :oops:The surrounding situation and social pressures are really pretty terrible, but I can't help being amused at how absolutely adolescent Doria's responses are. Just pitch perfect rebellious teenagerhood. [face_laugh]

    The end of that scene is just... whoa. 180-degree emotional whiplash that has the feel of a routine between them. Ouch. A-plus family dysfunction. Makes it so I can't really hate Mama Vorr, even though her attitude is toxic.

    Also liked the nearly-buried side note on how it's getting hard to access the Holonet. Given the censorship issues referenced in the story description, this is a neat intro -- in fact, all of the Triad stuff is so neatly interwoven and normalized here.

    Like others who commented, I'm very curious how two limmie players ended up in charge of this... umm, interesting job they have. Protecting the world from scary art. I'm sure everyone's glad they're sitting around doing what they do. I mean, where would they all be without these elite examiners of cultural material? Poor Tendra and her application, if I'm guessing right about who got lost in the shuffle. Code:Red is suitably obnoxious and one begins sympathizing with Code:Blue right off the bat for being locked in with him all day. With "friends" like that, no one needs enemies.

    And so the stage is set. [face_devil] Glad to see you took pronker's suggestion of adapting her username -- it's perfect for this. I'm not knowledgeable about punk (my musical tastes are so mundane that most people would look at them and go "whoa, your music is really tame"), but I love that you combined that with the canon on Deeply Religious. They were an interesting idea in the guides and it's great to see them fleshed-out here with some real life analogues. This is going to be fun. *evil cackle*

    I'm wondering whether this Charon San Valorum is any relation to the old Chancellor from the PT era? Now that would be interesting. Though it could just be a common name.

    And now we see that the Code guys are a GFFA meme. [face_laugh] I really wonder what happened to end them in this line of work.

    Let the mischief begin. :D (Also, his risk assessment based on the need for stuff is a neat touch -- whether accurate or wishful thinking.)
  9. glitteryboots

    glitteryboots Jedi Knight

    Feb 18, 2015
    I feel bad for Doria when Maris is so cruel to her - I don't blame her for being unpleasant. You did well to make her interesting to the reader without making her typically "likeable" - I definitely want to know more about her and see where her life goes from here. Gredda seems like a lovely character, like the mother figure everyone loves.

    I'm annoyed with Code: Red for teasing Code: Blue, too. I really like the feel of Deeply Religious so far and I'm very intrigued to see more of them and find out how these characters' lives will eventually intertwine.
    AzureAngel2, Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  10. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Squeezing in some replies, as the second chapter is in the works. Since I believe I had only said this privately to Chyntuck - I need to say it here, too: this story is being updated a bit slower than Snowed In, as it needs to be synched with its sequel at some point. While that may not make sense to anybody at this point, I promise that it will make sense.

    These are the exact emotions I wanted to convey here, so thanks for noticing it. While Doria may be a very, very annoying person who hates stuff at this point in life; the way life is is probably what's keeping her for looking for any kind of a purpose, in anything. So, yes, not a completely bitter emo kid, more of a bitter product of a pseudo-communist autoritharian regime. I have seen strange transformations occur in many of my friends during their teens and there are traces of them in Doria, Tendra and about every single younger Sacorrian there.

    The pendant will be coming into play, yes. But I guess this is a reply from the department of the redundancy department. :p

    Drall do appear in that trilogy which is, IMHO, one of the best thing about the Legends continuity. The whole Corellian sector depiction, Gaeriel's sacrifice and so much more...just perfect.

    Gredda may be the only character here who is immune to the "bitter pseudo-communist kid" routine.

    That's what it is, alright. :D It doesn't matter what they like, but she doesn't like it in advance. May or may not be the result of living with Maris, who is such a bright, bright ray of sunshine herself.


    She had to start from the same point as everybody else in order to become the lonely 32-year-old we meet in the Corellian Trilogy. And it's easy to see why somebody like her, "in the know" and all would have a bunch of insincere "fans".

    And yeah, Doria sees Tendra as a female version of the charming men in her entourage, as opposed to an actual person. That may or may not be a problem.


    Maris is a type who will say the exact opposite of normal FOR THE HECK OF IT. She is of the same mental age as Doria, despite her actual age. Elesandre may have been just a tiny bit mentally older (as in, still not close to Gredda's maturity) and all of that results in Doria being what she is - a product of her surroundings and her amazingly "mature" parents.

    This is the reaction I was hoping for. And yes, it's "normal" in their household.

    For this particular scene, I was inspired by those little programs people in Iran were using to access Twitter etc. Of course, Sacorria has nothing to do with Iran otherwise, nor there is any similarity, but borrowing this particular detail makes sense.

    And yeah, all of the Triad-induced stuff has an "as you do" vibe to it. BECAUSE IT'S NORMAL.

    Sacorrians don't care about the Galactic Empire at this point. As far as the Triad is concerned, the Galactic Empire, whom they actually report to, may be presented to Sacorrians as a conspiracy theory. :p

    Nope, you didn't guess that one right. You'll see.

    Those two got their job because they're absolutely not qualified for it. That's one of the things my Sacorria borrows from the ex-Yugoslav countries of the past twenty years: ANYBODY can become ANYTHING if they're led to it...and, in many cases, if they posses no real danger to the amibitious folk above them. Pseudocapitalism and pseudocommunism in one place.

    Code:Blue is blissfully unaware of...pretty much anything. He may be mentally older than Maris Vorr, but he has the innocence of a toddler to him sometimes. Plus, he appears to be following some religion (which is likely not a recommended thing for a Sacorrian, by the way...); so...of course he thinks that something called Deeply Religious is a good thing. :D

    And Deeply Religious seemed to be like one of the most intriguing thing in the guides and I am glad that there is a very random mention of them by one of those "HEY, I MEMORISED A BUNCH OF BOOKS, LOOK AT ME!" people who write the official blog. At the same time, I was surprised that there was nothing about who they were and where they were from. And that is how my quest for a hipsterish planet with a very social, dark side begun.

    Nope, no relation at all. I thought it would be fun for a guy like him to have a "fancy" last name, while he has nothing to do with anything fancy. This may have been borrowed from one of the real-life people who inspired his character and, by far, his physical appearance. There is a punk rocker with a folksy first name and a fancy last name roaming around IRL. :p

    They grew too old to play limmie.

    He appears to be thinking in booze at this point in his life, but other than that, he is right. Sacorria is the Corellian sector's breadbasket; and nobody would dare to bombard Nubia either, there's so much money going round the fancy designer starships and, in this continuity, the Adobe-like company.

    I was doing my best to make her unlikeable like that. :p We don't care what she looks like (though she may be a Juno lookalike, based on the pics I created),

    And OMG, I just got an idea. :D

    Maris is, well...Maris.

    She is like...a motherfather to Doria, given that Elesandre was a puer aeternus type and Maris is a 12-year-old at heart.

    Their "friendship" has been like that for ages. :(

    You're in for a treat, then. :D


    More coming soon, hopefully in the next couple of days.
    Kahara likes this.
  11. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Jul 11, 2014
    Oh I can smell Balkans all over this story... I thought I'd read the perfect Balkans moment in the scene with Tendra and the two boys, with the classism and the blunt expression of racism (or rather speciesism) when "we're among okay people, meaning us" -- kind of reminded me of my school :rolleyes: But then I reached the scene with Maris (!!!) -- obnoxious, vain, self-centered Maris -- and that's a character I know all too well (why oh why does this region produce so many of those?) And then again, there was that semi-absurd dialogue between Code:Blue and Code:Red in their absurd government office with an absurd government job, and that was just perfect.

    Should I re-read the Corellian Trilogy for background for this fic? I remember it only vaguely and I'm afraid I'm missing some details here (although the weight of the government comes across very clearly in some throwaway lines, e.g. having to bypass surveillance on the HoloNet.)

    You say in the OP that Doria isn't a "pleasant" character, but that isn't the word I'd use to describe her. You've portrayed the annoying teenager in her perfectly of course, but with the context you're giving she comes across as someone who is deeply unhappy, and it couldn't really be otherwise, could it?

    I have an idea as to who the "non-threatening" ([face_laugh]) Deeply Religious pronk ([face_laugh] [face_laugh]) band were inspired from, and I'm curious to see if I was right. I was also intrigued by Gredda's black star pendant, because, as was the case with your other story, I know that all these tidbits are going to come together at some point, but for the life of me I can't imagine how. [face_thinking]

    Oh, and as a side note, you need to start a list of swear words, expletives and other expressions to bypass the TOS in the Fanon thread, because "Holy Mandalore varactyl constipation" was just priceless.
    Findswoman , Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  12. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    You got me there. I was basing them on a couple of Serbian a55holes I know IRL and a Greek a55hole from another message board ( glitteryboots will know who he is...perhaps we can have you arrest him now? [face_whistling] He's a sexist no-good piece of poodoo!) and I changed racism for speciesism. Plus, they are averting the trope of girls who need a "sponsor" - THEY are hanging around with Tendra because she can pay for their drinks et cetera.

    Maris is walking a thin line between being an intellectual who has seen the world (she is actually educated and has a NON-AGRICULTURAL job *gasp*) and being a typical Sacorrian angry widow who is in the danger of falling into the trap of reality holoshows et cetera. And yes, every other Balkans mom is like her.

    Thanks. :D

    I don't think it's necessary, actually. The Wook article on Sacorria and the Suns of Fortune rulebook for the Corellian sector are a way better intro.

    Yup, basically what I said to Kahara above. Great minds think alike.

    A pseudo-Wook article on them coming right up, in this very, you will see if you were right. While they are not a direct GFFA-transfer of a real-life band, they were heavily inspired by one such band.


    There will be some. And yeah, Charon loves to drop k-bombs. ALL THE KRIFFIN TIME.
    Chyntuck, leiamoody and Kahara like this.
  13. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Addendum to the first chapter - BybloPedia and HoloPedia articles on Deeply Religious.

    Deeply Religious
    (from BybloPedia, the source of free knowledge in the Galactic Empire from the Byblos University)

    Deeply Religious is a band that the members of Imperial Youth should not be listening under any circumstances; because their music is loud, full of expletives and libellous in nature. The band's music was banned by the decree no 1039/20AE and anybody caught in possession of their work is to be prosecuted.

    The band is composed of two filthy semi-sentients, Anra Renek and Koobalt Nubes and a Human traitor, a reject-all-Imperial and revolutionary, Charon San Valorum.

    The responsible Imperial Youth is hereby encouraged to notify COMPNOR of any sightings of Deeply Religious; as well as to report all HoloNet outlets playing their music.


    Deeply Religious
    (from HoloPedia, the real HoloNet encyclopaedia provided by the Rebel Alliance)

    Nubian pronk band from the outskirts of Nuba City. Throughout its run, the band has been a trio with a constant line-up composed of the Ortolan percussionist Koobalt Nubes, nicknamed Master Koobs, Duros bassoon player Anra Renek and Human singer and quetarra player, Charon San Valorum; all of whom were born in Ronto, near Nuba City in 20 BBY.

    The group, formed in 7 BBY was originally part of the prolific pronk scene in Nuba City's famous 1337 Club, located at the 1337 Corellia Day Street. Their first two records, Angry Teenagers (4 BBY) and Growing Pains (2 BBY) were released with the independent label RontoRiot Records. The later sold surprising 50 million copies around Nubia and the rest of the Corellian Sector.

    At the time their major label debut, Poodoo! (1 BBY) was released Galaxy-wide on Teta Tunes in 31 Gr:S, Deeply Religious were already an established and popular act on the local scene. Poodoo! was both a critical and chart success, selling ten billion copies and resulting in the band’s first Galactic tour.

    After their first Galactic tour, Deeply Religious released a self-titled compilation of selected songs from their first two albums in 0 BBY/ABY, to which The Imperial Board of Culture reacted by placing their work on the infamous list of Scarlet works.

    The band subsequently released two albums on their own label. Advanced Explosives Handbook (1 ABY) and Emperor of Air and Darkness (3 ABY) are both known as bold anti-Imperial statements, with a lot of the songs namedropping the Imperial authorities, including Emperor Palpatine himself. Shortly after the release of the latter, the whole of Deeply Religious' back catalogue was banned from selling in the HoloNet stores, on open markets and other places by the Imperial Board of Culture, due to their music being fast, loud and dangerous". The physical copies of their albums have been destroyed in a raid.

    Despite the negative publicity surrounding them, Deeply Religious are often cited as one of the bands that contributed to reviving pronk in a new, contemporary form, next to other Nubian acts, The Younglings, Rimmers and Force Rejects.


    Formation and RontoRiot years

    In 24 Gr:S friends Charon San Valorum and Anra Renek, 15 years old at the time, formed a band they named Deeply Religious, the prominent starship designers' son Koobalt Nubes joining them on drums after having been the only being to answer the ad they wrote on pieces of flimsi all around their Design School.

    Unlike Nubes, Valorum and Renek did not come from rich families. Pulott Valorum was murdered in a battle between an early anti-Imperial faction and the Imperial troops long before his son became a musician. Seemingly, Anra Renek is a Clone Wars orphan, adopted by a Human family in Ronto.

    There are a couple of stories so as to how the band name came to be, but the prevalent opinion of the music critics nowadays is that it's a play on one of the common insults towards the Force sect that Valorum's deceased father was rumoured to be a supporter of, though himself not Force-sensitive.

    The newly-formed band first performed at now-famed Shorn Stabilizer cantina, where Valorum's mother used to work as the chief of staff. Ten standard days later, they were offered to record an album on the independent label RontoRiot, led by the local DIY pronk scene legend, Seemor Starwatcher. Their first two albums, Angry Teenagers and Growing Pains were released on the label spanning two standard years inbetween; and most of their early songs deal with girls and finding one’s place in the world.

    At some point prior to the release of Growing Pains, Nubes family provided the younglings with new instruments and their touring starship, a beat-up old I-type Nubian which Valorum named "Sticks". At the end of this tour, Valorum also got into a fist fight with the Steamy Hot Wasaka Stew frontman Antonio Nokaarbe, whom he had previously mocked in one of the first Deeply Religious songs, Nokaarbe Is Not Handsome.

    Poodoo! and Galactic Breakthrough

    After the Nokaarbe incident made headlines of the newsflimsi around the Galaxy and Nokaarbe himself claimed he was “assaulted by a tiny madman” to the notorious sludge reporter Yilda Lami; Deeply Religious caught the attention of the Empress Teta-based major label Teta Tunes. A representative then invited the band to Cinnagar to sign a contract; and though they had previously refused offers by Corellian Sector’s major labels, they jumped on Sticks and travelled to the Deep Core planet. Antares Dain, a previously unknown producer specialising in heavier, quettara-dominating music was assigned to work with them

    Deeply Religious’ major label debut, Poodoo! was released Galaxy-wide on Teta Tunes in 31 Gr:S, accompanied by holovideos for Cloudcity [sic], Garbage Disposal (Dianooga, Eat Me!) and Get Away. Poodoo! was both a critical and chart success, selling ten billion copies in the first year from its release. During this time, the band had a brief rivalry with their fellow Nubian pronks, The Younglings, notably with their leader, Rexon Froz, otherwise a xenobiologist. Froz was quoted as saying that Deeply Religious lacked the true pronk sensibilities and that their work had no traces of activism, with most of the songs being about finding oneself and dealing with females.

    The release of Poodoo! was followed by the band’s first-ever Galactic tour, including some stops that were deemed to be controversial by general public, such as Dac. Deeply Religious were famously denied landing on Kashyyyk; with the official version of the decree stating that they could not have performed for non-sentients such as Wookiees and that there was no sufficient Human population to perform for.

    Decline, Ban and Exile

    One standard year after Poodoo! was released, Deeply Religious have opted for a different sound and a different direction in their career. In an interview with Beat, Charon San Valorum stated that having such a large audience is a privilege and that he and his band mates wanted to make sure that, now their voice is heard, they will focus on social issues in the Galactic Community; as opposed to the confessional, self-loathing songs that marked their earlier work and resulted in their rise to stardom.

    Following this, the band released a self-titled compilation consisting of selected songs from their first two albums. The Galactic community, otherwise unaware of Angry Teenagers and Growing Pains, was thus introduced to their more politically-charged early works, with titles such as Twi’lek Dancing Girls dealing with slavery and exploitation of non-Humans. The Imperial Board of Culture reacted by placing both the Deeply Religious compilation and the Poodoo! Album on their list of Scarlet works.

    Deeply Religious responded by self-releasing two politically-charged albums, Advanced Explosives Handbook and Emperor of Air and Darkness. This resulted in a raid of Teta Tunes warehouses, destruction of the physical copies of their albums; as well as the brutal COMPNOR-arranged murder of Seemor Starwatcher, the man who discovered Deeply Religious, while he was taking a trip to Coruscant. Teta Tunes officials were pressured into dropping the band off their label and publicly denouncing all of their work for being “fast, loud and dangerous”, in order not to suffer Starwatcher’s fate. The band’s work was also removed from all widely-known HoloNet stores and placed on the Imperial Board of Culture’s list of Banned works.

    It has long been speculated that the band's multi-species nature was another factor that contributed to their ban and that Valorum received an ultimatum, asking him to replace Renek and Nubes with a Human bassoon player and a drummer; which he refused; claiming that the two men suggested as replacements were COMPNOR agents.

    Currently, Deeply Religious have been rumoured to be touring independent clubs all around the Core. If you're interested in seeing them live, contact your local independent promoters and make sure you're using the known HoloNet blockers if you’re holostreaming their music. Pronk’s not dead and you know it.


    Angry Teenagers (RontoRiot, 4 BBY)
    Growing Pains (RontoRiot, 2 BBY)
    Poodoo! (Teta Tunes, 1 BBY)
    Deeply Religious (Teta Tunes, 0 BBY/ABY) [compilation]
    Advanced Explosives Handbook (Self-released, 1 ABY)
    Emperor of Air and Darkness (Self-released, 3 ABY)

    Angry Teenagers

    Unless otherwise stated, all lyrics by C. Valorum and all music by Deeply Religious.

    01 Saw Her at the Archives
    02 Please, Don't Go
    03 Gamorrean Hard Case (lyrics and music by A. Renek)
    04 Here I Am Not
    05 Deeply Religious
    06 Torch Song
    07 Nebulae
    08 Being 17
    09 Trying to Fit In
    10 Nokaarbe Is Not Handsome
    11 The Diktat's Pretty Cousin
    12 I Am An Angry Teenager

    Growing Pains

    Unless otherwise stated, all lyrics by C. Valorum and all music by Deeply Religious.

    01 To My Future Girl, In The Stars
    02 Just Another Art Form
    03 Truth, What Truth
    04 A Shuttle to Sacorria
    05 Freedom of Speech
    06 Please, Hurt Me (Lyrics and music by K. Nubes)
    07 A Podracer's Prostitute
    08 She Is Out There, Somewhere
    09 Saving the Universe (Again)
    10 Twi'lek Dancing Girls


    Unless otherwise stated, all lyrics by C. Valorum and all music by Deeply Religious.

    01 Bored Imperial Youth
    02 I Will Kill You All
    03 Wermo
    04 Cloudcity
    05 Nuba City Sidewalks
    06 Babe is Gonna Kill Us All
    07 Garbage Disposal (Dianoga, Eat Me!)
    08 For a Former Lover
    09 Wanna Do Nothing With Me?
    10 Get Away
    11 Identity
    12 Former Fake Friends (lyrics and music by A. Renek)
    13 Good Luck with Him
    14 KYAKY [Kriff Yourself and Kill Yourself]
    15 Koobs Mumbles (hidden track, lyrics and music by K. Nubes)

    Deeply Religious

    Unless otherwise stated, all lyrics by C. Valorum and all music by Deeply Religious.

    01 Deeply Religious
    02 Freedom of Speech
    03 Gamorrean Hard Case (lyrics and music by A. Renek)
    04 Just Another Art Form
    05 Saving the Universe (Again)
    06 Torch Song
    07 Twi'lek Dancing Girls

    Advanced Explosive Handbook

    Unless otherwise stated, all lyrics by C. Valorum and all music by Deeply Religious.

    01 Illusions of a Good Kid
    02 Heavy Blaster Blues
    03 Having Fun With Detonite
    04 How Do They See Anyway (Stormtrooper's Dilemma)
    05 HoloNet Lover
    06 So Much for Tact
    07 Durasteel Eyes
    08 DIE, DIE, DIE!
    09 Where is Everyone?
    10 Sublight Jizz (Instrumental)
    11 Sign of Hate
    12 For You
    13 Alone in Hyperspace
    14 Reject All Imperial
    15 How to Get Banned (Have a Mind)
    16 Rotten to the Core (Empire's Crumbling)
    17 So Long (I Miss Her)
    18 His Cyborg Actor

    Emperor of Air and Darkness

    All lyrics by C. Valorum and all music by Deeply Religious, apart from track 06, which was written by C. Valorum, A. Renek and K. Nubes.

    02 A Drunk Night on Devaron
    03 Lots of Banthasith
    04 (Imperial Uniforms) Look Bad On You
    05 Lost Promise
    06 Ancient Republic
    07 Fancy a Vacation on Kashyyyk?
    08 Not Your Kind
    09 An Ode to Tarkin (Not)
    10 Speeder Bike Races (Speed Kills)
    11 Ooh, It Bites!
    12 Empire Day Rituals
    13 Moff Balfour's Lament (Tapmint Surprise)

    It is assumed that the album name is a pun on "Queen of Air and Darkness", a card in sabacc.

    Style And Influences

    Just like all the other bands of the pronk revival movement, Deeply Religious are said to be heavily inspired by the first wave of pronk at the times of Clone Wars, led by bands such as Conflict and Kriff Blasters. Jax Loodiee, the former frontman of Kriff Blasters has denied support for Deeply Religious, claiming they are not “true to their roots” and added that he “heard better music upon pulling water in his ‘fresher”.

    Nevertheless, Deeply Religious still embrace Kriff Blasters as one of their main influences; next to glam-jizz groups of the decades prior to the Clone Wars.

    Curiously enough, Emperor of Air and Darkness was heavily influenced by the protest lyrics of Dalyn R. Baobab, the legendary songwriter from Manda; who is currently in exile on Roon with the rest of the Baobab merchant fleet. The band members were quoted as saying that they hope Baobab has heard their new album and they would like to play on the same stage with him someday.

    See also:
    Charon San Valorum
    Nuba City Pronk Scene
    1337 Club
    Seemor Stargazer


    There is no article on Wook on the Shorn Stabilizer cantina, but there is one about its owner.

    The Deeply Religious compilation, the two albums after it and the song Ooh, It Bites are legends-canon and you can read about them on Wook. I put Ooh, It Bites on an album, added more songs to the two albums and changed one song's name. The additional songs, the band's history, member names et cetera are all fanon.

    "I-Type" Nubian? Yup, fanon.

    Last edited: Feb 9, 2018
  14. glitteryboots

    glitteryboots Jedi Knight

    Feb 18, 2015
    This is great. :D Reads like a legit Wiki article (except an SW version). Great to know more about Deeply Religious and I had to smile at the references... ;)
    Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  15. Kahara

    Kahara FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 4 VIP - Game Host

    Mar 3, 2001
    Neat articles. The juxtaposition of the political banner-waving and icky speciesism in the first with the admiring tone of the second wiki is fun. I'm impressed at how you've built up the band's history here, both backstory and song titles that seem to reflect it mixed in with the already-existing ones from the RPG material.

    Garbage Disposal (Dianooga, Eat Me!) is hilarious, but somehow I Am An Angry Teenager is the title that made me snicker. :p


    And just in case we thought it was all fun and games... yipes.
    Ewok Poet likes this.
  16. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 27, 2005
    I can see how much work you've put into the world-building and backstory of Deeply Religious, and the contrast between the two articles is indeed very telling. I'm sure I'll be coming back to this post for references made in he rest of the fic.

    Charon San Valorum...any relation to a certain former Chancellor? (Although I note that he didn't come from a wealthy family so perhaps its a coincidence.)
    Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  17. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    This took a while, and some of the things were kinda...funny to write. :D Thanks, all of you.

    It's a fustercluck, actually. He is not related to that Valorum at all, but in-universe, many people may think he is. There can be a wealthy Tagge family, but there can also be somebody called Boba (LOL) Tagge trying to get a dianoga out of some garbage disposal. There can be *the*Tarkin, but there may be a Zeltron hybrid named Dani Tarkin who is a stripper on Bespin. And so on. Charon San Valorum is one of those. :D

    Well, you surely cannot recognise a hit. Garbage Disposal is a HUGE hit, one of those songs people will love after, say, twenty years. So many kids could relate with the self-loathing in that particular song. :eek:

    New Order needs to be preserved...whateber that means. O_O


    More soon. :D
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  18. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    2. One Bad Day

    Saccorata, Sacorria, early morning

    Doria refused to come out of the ‘fresher, after what was a pretty much standard argument at the Vorr apartment. The only difference from the usual Vorr arguments was that this time there was a good reason for Maris to be angry. Unfortunately enough, the way she saw things this time was...the way she usually would have.

    "Are you trying to tell me that you’re going to deliberately fail the entrance exam?" Maris yelled at her daughter again.

    "No, mom! I was not even invited to take it, as of now. I sent my application long ago and all, I have proof that it was sent. Maybe they didn’t even consider it!”

    "Are you really that much a wermo? Do you even know how much we invested in your education?"

    "We? As in you and...who else? School has been free so far. Studying at the Dorthus Tal University is free, too."

    “It was, but tell me, Doria... who prepared your meals? Who supported you on your way there?”

    Doria tried to remember how the “support” looked. If her memory served her right, it was mostly about yelling, threatening not to allow her to do what she wanted and making her feel bad for not achieving the highest grades possible in the subjects that were not her strongest suit.

    She could recall that one failed exam that cost her sitting at home when her parents were taking a trip to Vagran to visit the great aunt Larax. She remembered that one time she could have seen a local band perform, but her father angrily tossed a wallet full of coins on the floor and asked her what was the point of that.

    There were so many situations where she felt like she would have died if she had cried again. This time, she opted for hiding.

    She shook her head, grabbed a large dust corn protein bar and sat on the 'fresher, her legs up on the edge of the bath tub.

    “Doria, answer me!” Maris yelled from the corridor again. “Who supported you?”

    “What does that have to do with this? I could have built us a droid to help with chores; you never allowed me do so!”

    “Are you saying that you don’t appreciate my efforts? And with your attention span, you would have built us an assassin droid, not a maid one! Why are you bringing that up again, exactly?”

    “No, but…”

    “I accept no ‘buts’, Doria! You are not to be trusted with things.”

    Maris grabbed her purse and headed to the balcony. The yellow air taxi was waiting for her.


    AARIS (Agricultural Appliances Research Institute of Saccorata), later that day

    Gredda stood across the large factory hall from a workmate of hers working on a droid. Her shift was over.

    She ditched her lab coat and helmet and placed the shiny black star pendant around her neck again. The last day of the week was not a workday on Sacorria; and she was looking forward to what was coming up – the annual Grain Night, the holiday when Sacorrian Dralls were celebrating their arrival to the planet. According to official history, they were descendants of a noble Duchess.

    According to what most of them did not know, yet Gredda was perfectly aware of, they were con artists and gamblers brought from their home planet of Drall, as well as Corellia and the Twin Worlds of Talus and Tralus; in order to serve as prison guards for Humans and Selonians in the planet-wide penal colony, the black spot in history that preceded modern Sacorria.

    Once out of the building and about to mount her speeder, Gredda spotted a spark of colour in form of chestnut-red hair among many brownish-blond heads. She crossed the street and greeted her friend’s mother.

    “Prog Maris! Going back home from the museum? I can give you a ride!”

    The woman did not seem in the mood for talking, though she acknowledged Gredda with a single nod and some incoherent rumbling.

    “What is wrong? Did you and Doria argue again?”

    No response.

    “Maris, please don’t ignore me. It was not that long ago when you said that you always trusted me with everything. Plus, my aunt expects to see you at tonight’s special dinner party for the friends of the clan.”

    “I am not coming. I have things to do. Housekeeping and all.”

    “Why didn’t you ask Doria to build you a maid droid? It’s simple and all the FAIS students are capable of it. She had built some great ones in the class, just ask…”

    “Listen, Gredda. Doria lied to me again. She claims she was not even invited for the entrance exam at the DoTal uni!"

    Gredda shook her head. “Maris, Maris, Maris…Doria hated studying at FAIS so much that she dedicated herself to passing the norm for the Dorthus Tal University to the point where it was almost an obsession. Why do you think she would have sabotaged her own goals?”

    Maris ignored Gredda’s question, turned around and hailed another air taxi.

    Meanwhile, at the Vorr apartment, Doria was reading something on HoloNet, when a chat window popped up.

    // BlasetreegoatAU : Seamadeofglass chat session started at 1700 GST, 5:29:33 Gr:s //

    BlasetreegoatAU: hai

    Seamadeofglass: hai…v v v angri todai

    BlasetreegoatAU: whai?

    Seamadeofglass: something hapnd w mai universiti application. no response, whatsoeva. :/

    BlasetreegoatAU: wut

    BlasetreegoatAU: wut

    BlasetreegoatAU: wut

    // BlasetreegoatAU sends a big Wookiee hug to Seamadeofglass //

    Seamadeofglass: donai. i applied, d same dai i fixed tendra’s holo. she got her response, mi…nothing. krfn nothing!!!

    BlasetreegoatAU: wut d kriff! How cud dey do dat 2 u!!!!!

    Seamadeofglass: mi mom doesn’t beliv mi. she thinks i neva eva appld.

    BlasetreegoatAU: ur mom is a pc of work.

    Seamadeofglass: ai agri.

    // Seamadeofglass shakes the screen, like a Rebel //

    Seamadeofglass: g2 go…somebodi is at the dock.

    // Seamadeofglass has left the conversation. //

    Doria disconnected from HoloNet and went to see who docked to their apartment’s balcony. She was relieved to see Gredda and not her mother.

    “What are you doing here? What is going on?”

    “Doria, we’re going to Dorthus Tal City. Now. I bumped into Maris, she told me what happened and I have figured out what is going on.

    "You know how it's like with us Vorrs. Grain Night is in a couple of days. Holidays are the best times ever..." Doria paused for a bit, "...for going to bed, putting the cover over your head and regretting the day you were born. Something always pops up - whether it's mom missing dad, whether it's what I have or have not done during the last couple of weeks, months, years. When there is no real reason, Comradette Maris Inesedam Vorr will make one up.“ Doria broke down and started kicking the wall behind her desk.

    Gredda patted her friend on the shoulder. "There, there. Don't worry about it. I happen to know who is responsible for these applications. This will be easy."

    “We will be late to the dinner party!”

    “I know, but my aunt has excused me many times when I worked late, so this should not be a problem either. Let’s catch a repulsortrain to Dorthus Tal. Now.”
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
  19. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Mar 27, 2005
    Some troubled family dynamics going on here - I feel for Doria and the pressures her parents have placed on her. A least she has the support of her chat buddy and Gredda.

    I see we get the first mention of the eponymous black star in Gredda's neckland
  20. glitteryboots

    glitteryboots Jedi Knight

    Feb 18, 2015
    I still can't be annoyed with Doria or blame her for being unpleasant when she lives in an environment like that. :( What a relief though that she has Gredda, and now I also wonder what significance her black star pendant will have. Love the text-speak and the chat platform's language - "big Wookiee hug" and shaking the screen "like a Rebel". :D Nice to see some humour, though I am intrigued as to who Doria's chat buddy is and if/how they'll eventually be involved in the story. I wonder what will eventually happen with her application once Gredda has helped, too, and how that will lead to the next event.
    Findswoman , Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  21. Kahara

    Kahara FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 4 VIP - Game Host

    Mar 3, 2001
    Oh Maris. :oops: As glitteryboots says, it's a good thing that Doria seems to have some decent friends for support. Maris seems to be emotionally inept at dealing with... well, life in general and her daughter in particular. *sigh*

    *snort* Well, there's nothing that says an assassin droid can't do chores. What is this, medieval times? :p More seriously, it seems like a lot of Maris's angst is that she needs to be needed and cannot let go -- but then blames Doria for the inconvenience. Which is rather unfair, and yet one can see how the situation would develop. I feel bad for both of them here, though a bit more for Doria as she's -- well, you know, not the theoretical adult here.

    Very interesting bit of worldbuilding there! There is always a more flattering interpretation of history...

    Which makes me wonder how Gredda came by that factoid. She certainly seems to be a sharp one! Also liked her conversation with Maris, which is intriguing since they seem to have a very different dynamic than Maris and Doria. Gredda isn't linked to her ego, I suppose. So she trusts her practicality... unless it regards her daughter. :rolleyes:

    BlasetreegoatAU is the best username! :D And makes me think of AU's where all of the characters are blase tree goats. [face_hypnotized] That would be something, all right.

    Oh dear. "This will be easy" tends to become famous last words. [face_laugh]

  22. metophlus

    metophlus Jedi Padawan star 2

    Jun 30, 2015
    1. Ambitions

    This introduction begs plenty of questions about Sacorria's government (or lack thereof). These people are clearly going to become entangled in a game of conspiracies and politics, but the whats and whys are shrouded.

    I went and read most the character profiles of those who appeared in the first part. Code: Blue and Code: Red are as different as two personalities could possibly be. I'd get along better with Blue, honestly. A reader has to wonder at their political leanings and if they'll serve as a metaphor for real world parties.

    And what's the relationship between Doria and Gredda the Drall? Maybe Doria, an outsider, finds Gredda's conspiracy theories a good way to pass the time and make her life more interesting. The fact she had to tap into government systems to access the HoloNet tells me there's serious intel suppression going down in Sacorrata. She's going to get herself into trouble eventually.

    Either "allies" is a GFFA term for simply "fans" or Charon's using Deeply Religious to recruit literal rebels. Wouldn't surprise me too much given the band members' grudgeful attitude at the Imperial establishment.

    Wanted to point this out:

    Cya soon!
    Findswoman and Ewok Poet like this.
  23. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    From chapter three on, I won't be splitting anything. This was a necessity that I will explain someday soon. ;)

    The first mention was actually in the first post, but it was very subtle. ;)

    And yes, the chat buddy appears to be very supportive, Gredda is definitely supportive. Maris, however, probably thinks she means well and that Doria is a problem. We'll see how that goes.

    Making up that chat lingo costed me some brain cells. I wanted it to be somewhat different from what our world's textspeak is like, but then I ended up making it sound deliberately strange. Compared to Findswoman and Kahara 's examples of text speak, this one is probably reserved for teenagers and would result in head-a-splode for everybody else. :D

    The chat platform actions were inspired by what Yahoo messenger used to have for its group conversations long, long ago.

    Perfect description! Maris is a combination of people who have some sort of a balance...bad news to those dealing with people like her is that the balance means being a 12-year-old half of the time and spending the other half as an angry 80+ year-old. She levitates between the realms of somebody less emotionally mature than her daughter and somebody older than her aunt (who is to appear soon, she is a RIOT :p).

    Yes and yes.

    It's canon in the legends 'verse, as per that Suns of Fortune sourcebook on Corellian sector. I only added the bit about Sacorrians themselves censoring the truth.


    This is 3 ABY and Sacorria was colonised at least 25 000 years ago, as it was one of the first worlds outside of the Corellian system to be colonised. Therefore, sharp ones are now more common.

    And yes, Maris has a different way of rebuffing basically comes down to her being nice or vaguely nice to everybody other than Doria.

    I'd be the number one fan of that. :D Blase tree goats are awesome - they just sleep in treetops and occasionally reach out for nearest leaves. That would be an AU with A LOT of action...and I love absurd. :D

    It depends on which of the Code guys they run into. ;) :p

    Thanks for reading! :)

    There was nothing much beyond and a couple of infobites here and there, so I made up a whole lot of it, including the HoloNet bypass technique you mentioned latter in the review. I plan to write a fanon entry about it at some point.

    Those two were named red and blue based on that "red oni, blue oni" trope - polar opposites in anything. So, if Sacorria ever gets a hang of democracy, it's going to be a lot like what you implied.

    Also, each is annoying in his own way, you just haven't seen Blue's annoying side yet. :D It may have something to do with the sentence you pointed it out, the constant smile he's got going on.

    Can't address the remaining two points yet, but you'll see, soon; and then I will go back to this comment.
    Kahara and Findswoman like this.
  24. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Thirty minutes later at the Censorship and Scholarship Agency, Dorthus Tal City

    Underneath the blank expression she had practiced for years, Doria was looking around the office. Whoever was supposed to be sitting on the chair across the room from hers was not there and, by the look of things, the one who greeted her with a broad smile was not fully aware of his own responsibilities. Adorned in perfectly ironed shirt and dress trousers, with a matching jacket, he got up from his desk and greeted her.

    "Hello, comradette..."


    "Comradette Vorr, would you like GR-3 to bring you anything?" he asked. "Zherry juice? Vitamin water? Caf?"

    "The only thing I am here for is the only thing I want, comrade..."

    "Joak Bluestar Shykrill Glisse. People usually call me Code:Blue, of course. I used to be, please, don't do that!"

    Doria was already imitating the choreography Code:Blue was known for from the planetary team's days as the Galactic Cup winners. "And that's how babies burp, right?" She snickered.

    "GR-3, bring her one of each!" The administrator snapped his fingers at the musteline protocol droid. She muttered something in Mandaba and headed to the turbolift. "And, of course, I'll go get your file while she brings you the drinks!"

    Doria looked on as the administrator ran through the office space. He was almost making her dizzy. He walked like a background dancer in operas and babbled something in the voice similar to the one of a prepubescent boy.

    "Did you say Korr?"

    "No, I said Vorr. Doria Vorr."

    Code:Blue reached for a dusty pile of flimsi from the top shelf of a large storage cabinet. The Selonian-like droid returned with three different glasses and placed them all in front of Doria. She shrugged and picked the glass of zherry juice. It was overwhelmingly sweet, making her teeth hurt. No wonder if everybody at the government offices building behaved like this. This was one spoonful of sugar away from a Zelosian zherry bomb!

    "Why is this necessary?" she asked. "Isn't everything in computers, anyway?"

    "W-we…we tend to rely on both methods, there is always a chance we might get t-things wrong!"

    "Isn't that chance below what would be considered a standard error?"

    "One n-n-never knows, Comradette Korr…"


    "Vorr, sorry again. Imagine if an enemy of our planet and the values we hold so dear sliced the government computer system and got a hold of everybody's files? It's better to be safe than sorry! GR-3! Bring me some of that zherry juice…and a dust corn pudding with caramel topping, please! Make it two puddings, of course!"

    "This whole building will turn into a cake someday." Doria thought to herself and reclined in the armchair she was offered earlier. She might have fallen asleep for a while – once Code:Blue spoke again, he was in her face and too loud.

    "Comradette K…Vorr?"


    "Sorry. I found your file, finally. The letter Vev was in the last drawer, of course... with Wesk, xesh, Yirth and Zereth. I could have never guessed!"

    "Figures..." Doria rolled her eyes. "So, what is in my file?"

    "Doria E. Vorr, graduated from the First Agricultural Institute of Saccorata, some weeks ago, which is not in the computer, but it is here, thus p-p-proving my point. Currently unemployed, qualified for the job of the agricultural technician. No brothers or sisters, parents are the deceased AARIS engineer Elesandre N. Vorr and the Museum of Corellian Sector History custody, Maris K. Inesedam Vorr. The latter has been listed as a potential traitor for keeping her maiden name. The subject herself is known for hanging out with the members of the R'vanye Drall clan, headed by Duchess Branna...but she has also been seen with faithful servants of Their Majesties a lot. Most likely not dangerous. Not very likely to graduate from University due to lack of harmony in the family, of course. Possible candidate for job in the…I can't read this last part, it has been censored and us minor employees don't know how to decypher the code."

    Doria propped herself in the seat. Her eyes were now wide open.

    "Are you sure you were supposed to tell me all this? The part about my mother being a traitor and plans to make a good Sacorrian out of me?"

    Code:Blue hit himself on the forehead.

    "It happened again, of course!"

    "What happened again?"

    "The reverse theory. Oh, no, I said it. I cannot talk about it, please, forget that I have said anything!" He started running around the office again, eventually stopping by the window to open it and catch a breath. The Dorthus Tal Sea and the maximum-security prison to his left, and the Watchtower Base to his right would have made the bones of any civilian not employed in the government shiver. But, for whatever reason, he always thought of them as serene, reassuring him that he was doing things right.

    Once he turned around, he found himself face to face with a light-furred Drall female.

    "H-h-how did you get in?"

    "Behind GR-3. She was carrying something that was more sugar than dust corn pudding and I figured out who's on call today. "

    "Who are you?" Code-Blue took his portion of the pudding, his hands shaking. "Of course...GR-3 will bring you a pudding, too!"

    "No need to. My Gredda. My aunt is Duchess Branna of the R'vanye clan, I am sure you have heard of her. And we both happen to be very fond of this young Human female here, and her mother, too!"

    Gredda sat on the window pane, throwing a quick glance at the buildings and the sea visible from where they were sitting. Then she smirked and closed the window.

    "The only building in Dorthus Tal City other than Their Majesties' residential complex that the Watchtower Base cannot surveil is this one, right?"


    "Let me rephrase everything for you, Comrade Glisse. This here is my friend, a sympathiser of the R'vanye clan. She submitted an application for the basic studies at the Dorthus Tal University and she never got a response."

    Code:Blue looked at the Drall sitting at his absent colleague's table and going through the data on the terminal.

    "I am sorry." He broke. "This was my mistake, of course. My colleague, whom you may know as comrade Code:Red was looking at holos of somebody called Tendra Risant, I remember that name well because it reminds me of the comrade Jhorn Risant working in the offices below..."

    "That would be his daughter." Doria said. "I helped her write her application letter and I taught her how to tweak her holos. I was probably right behind her in the queue…"

    "And the last file had the NOE stamp on it! Not-obedient-enough, of course!" Code:Blue was still crying, his head hidden by his hands.

    "Now I see why they call you 'Crybaby', Glisse." Greeda shook her head. "You made a mistake, the system you are using seems to be flawed, but how do you think you're going to solve it if you continue crying like that?"

    He thought a bit, drying his tears with the sleeve of his expensive dress jacket. Then he checked something on the datapad on the empty desk next to his. Minutes later, his smile was there again.

    "There is a spare place on the University of Vagran in Abatore intended specifically for a Sacorrian student! Since comradette K...err...V is not considered to be obedient enough for the Dorthus Tall University and Sacorria and Vagran have reasonably good relations, that would, of course, imply that she is obliged to return to Sacorria and serve the government and Their Majesties once her studies are over. But there is only one little problem…no accommodation left at the Sacorrian dormitory building on the campus."

    Doria's face lit up. She was about to say something about her great aunt living in Abatore, but Gredda coughed loudly, prompting her not to.

    "Any other accommodation options?" The Drall was now more or less in the administrator's face.

    "Twenty kilometres from Abatore is, of course…"

    "Anaslinea-Hoc?" Doria interrupted Code:Blue again. "The newish spaceport?"

    "Yes. The town itself is small and has no more than seven thousand inhabitants and less than hundred years of contemporary history behind it. However, numerous tunnels below the surface, extending under the Kaz'aan Gulf as well as locations within the town itself hold a lot of secrets about the past of the entire planet. Of course, we would relocate both you and com. Inesedam Vorr there and find you a house to live in, then making sure she is employed in their local museum, as they have an opening. She would, of course, continue to work with her parent institution. I would have to talk to her about this, of course."

    Doria shivered at the sole idea of somebody having to convince Maris of anything.

    "You? Are you sure?"

    "Of course. My colleague is away. There is no other option. Since it will take some time to relocate you, we'd better start come tomorrow. I will travel to Saccorata after breakfast and you will wait for me, introduce me to your mother and then I am going to explain this to her."

    "Is there any other option?"

    "I'm afraid not. Unless we place you in this university, the only other option, of course, is operating the droids on dust corn fields or a shuttle to Sarcophagus."

    "Fine, comrade Glisse." Gredda adjusted her black star pendant. "We will make sure that comradette Inesedam Vorr doesn't reject the proposal."

    At this point, it may be clear which real life person inspired Code:Blue.

    If you can figure out where the K instead of V came from, you are a genius. Nah, you're just well-read.

    Watchtower Base

    Abatore is one of the biggest cities on Vagran, mentioned in Suns of Fortune, but it does not have a dedicated Wikipedia page.

    "Their Leaderships" is a reference to the Sacorrian Triad.

    The rest is fanon, from places and political bits to the first name of Tendra Risant's father.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
  25. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Feb 27, 2014
    OK, I’m just starting this after putting it off for way too long, and I feel sorry for having done so, because you’ve set up one heck of an intriguing tale here. I’m going to do this piecemeal, a chapter at a time, so please bear with me, especially if I don’t pick up on things right away.

    Chapter 1, part 1

    Great start. I can tell already that the relationship—friendship? classmateship? rivalry?—between Doria and Tendra is going to be complex and not easily classifiable. It’s interesting how all the characters at this point have a totally different read on that relationship. Tendra’s other friends somehow have this impression that Tendra and Doria are total bosom buddies; Tendra herself apparently considers Doria someone who’s at her disposal to help her whenever she needs her to (whether Tendra would be willing to return the favor remains, of course, to be seen); and Doria, though fed up with “people like you” and totally polar-opposite to Tendra’s superficiality, nevertheless offers to help her.

    In this context, Doria’s “cleaning bloody refreshers” and “8 years from now” remarks could go either way—they could function equally well as joking banter to a friend or actual snide remarks made to a non-friend. I’m not saying that as a criticism at all, just that it very deftly contributes to the feeling that there’s more to that relationship than meets the eye.

    And then Maris Vorr. In some ways she reminds me of another fanfic mother I’ve seen around here who doesn’t appreciate her daughter’s talents—she and Lekli could get together over mimosas and complain about their children (though they have totally different things to complain about, in some ways). But I see too that part of it’s her grief talking, that she’s taking her grief about her husband’s death out on her daughter. The moment where she mentions his death, and Doria tries to comfort her—even after hearing all those hurtful things—was a wonderful one for some reason.

    Definitely getting Balkans vibes from the setting, too. :D

    Chapter 1, part 2

    And here is another pair of close-but-mismatched colleagues—I wonder if that will be somewhat of a theme in this story. Blue must have the patience of a saint to put up with Red's constant wiseacreism the way he does. But one can see that Red's wiseacre attitude ultimately stems from the same source as Blue's tired resignation: they're both stuck working in thankless, hamster-wheel bureaucracy that is worlds different from their earlier career in limmie.

    And you've written that bureaucratic world in a totally believable and vivid way. It makes complete sense that such an office exists in the Empire at this period, and it likewise is completely believable that someone in Blue's situation, eyes glazing over after sifting through e-mail after e-mail after e-mail, would impulsively approve Deeply Religious's application for the festival after just a brief skim, and without even taking the extra moment or two to GFFA-equivalent-of-Google the word "pronk." All done "without thinking," with the copy-and-paste of a template, and, as an added bonus, with a fleeting thought about what a good example this will be for the young people. Completely believable, rather scary, and absolutely golden. :D

    The band itself consists of some quite, um, colorful characters! Definitely a model of species diversity—though I love how one (rather ironic) side effect of that is that they have a hard time deciphering each others' expressions. I've got to admit that I'm intrigued concept of what basically must be a punk-rock bassoon.

    Interesting "small world" effect with Charon's recognition of the two Codes, which forms a very telling contrast to Blue's total nonrecognition of Deeply Religious and/or anything they might represent—no doubt that was a deliberate juxtaposition on your part. :cool: One can see immediately that Blue has zero clue about what he's letting himself and the festival in for—especially if they're going the extra mile to be extra shocking for this engagement. I can't wait to see what the results will be.
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