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Saga - OT The Black Star (OCs,Tendra Risant & other minor ECs | 3.5 ABY | Action, Black Comedy, Politics)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Ewok Poet, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    I'm very intrigued by the idea of a marsupial protocol droid - noting that it was Selonian-esque, is it your fanon that Selonians are marsupials?

    And of course there's lots of interesting stuff in the bureaucratic nightmare that is the Censorship and Scholarship Office - the dossier on Doria and her family is very creepy, and I wonder what role they intended for her Blue didn't have the clearance to read.
     
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  2. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    And this is how I mix up marsupial and musteline, both being fairly new words for me. *rushes to edit*

    [​IMG]

    It takes a person from the world of marsupials to see it. Thank you. :D
     
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  3. Kahara

    Kahara Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 3, 2001
    :p Sounds like the Star Wars version of YouTube infamy.

    And since you mentioned before that Code:Blue has his potentially annoying personality traits, I guess this is where we see it. Though it’s really rather entertaining from a fictional distance, I can kind of see how he’d annoy certain other personalities (like, say, Red) working at close quarters on a regular basis.

    Interesting to see what was considered relevant in Doria’s file. Had to LOL a bit at her mother being on the list of ones to watch for keeping her maiden name -- on the one hand, it’s a disturbing insight into the paranoia of the record-keepers, but on the other hand it’s Maris and of all the people in Doria’s circle to be notably suspicious… somehow I think she’d be horrified too. And the fact that hanging out with Gredda’s clan is apparently suspicious too (wow, classy of them to spin it that way :oops: ) and the mysterious un-viewable plans for her future. [face_worried]

    [face_laugh] Oops.

    The intricacies of how students are shunted into these different tracks are be pretty disturbing. Wonder how boring you have to be to be “obedient enough.” Code:Blue seems to have found a possible solution to Doria’s college problems, but whether Maris will agree to be uprooted -- well, that will be interesting to see. It's also interesting that Gredda is quite comfortable (seemingly?) coming in and helping to finesse the situation when her clan is evidently considered to be one to watch. The situation with the Dralls and the Triad seems to be pretty complicated here and I'm eager to learn more about what's going on with that.




    Wow, who could turn down that lovely prospect? :p
     
  4. glitteryboots

    glitteryboots Jedi Knight

    Registered:
    Feb 18, 2015
    So now both Doria and Deeply Religious have come into contact with Code:Blue - I wonder if (and how) this will lead to their eventual meeting. Part of me feels sorry for him, because his job can't be enjoyable, especially with a colleague like Code:Red and his own anxious personality - though on the other hand, he begins to seem overdramatic when he starts crying.

    I feel like I got to know Doria a bit better in this part. I like the inclusion of her thoughts about the juice being too sweet and the whole building turning into a cake. :D

    I'm intrigued to know what it is in her file that's been censored and and why it's important - or rather suspicious - enough for them to note that they're associated with Gredda's clan. I wonder too if Maris keeping her maiden name really is the only other thing that makes her suspicious, though I can't imagine that it's anything else, knowing Maris.

    Abatore sounds like an intriguing place for Doria to next end up, but I can't imagine Maris doing something as huge as moving for her daughter and I doubt Code:Blue of all people will be able to convince her. I'm wondering if his, well, sort of inadequacy will have a negative impact on what happens next to Doria. Though Gredda seems convinced that she'll be able to sort things out, and from what we know about her so far, she may well be able to.

    And finally, I'm wondering if that mention of the pendant is just another mention to build intrigue, something that will make sense later or if it'll play a part in what happens next. Maybe the pendant is the reason Gredda's clan is suspicious? Hmm...
     
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  5. Findswoman

    Findswoman Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2014
    Chapter 2, part 1

    There, indeed, is the black star pendant again… Even though it’s only shown up twice, in very brief mentions, those brief mentions in combination with the title are making for some decidedly Chekhovian vibes. [face_thinking]

    I like this Gredda. And I agree with whoever pointed out that her cheerfulness, while worlds apart from Doria’s cynicism, is not at all superficial or airheaded. I like that combination. It’s interesting that she gets a chance to try to get her friend’s mom out of her blue funk, and I heartily second Kahara ’s observations about that scene—though getting Maris out of a funk is probably more than any sentient being can do! (I wonder, though, if asking “Did you and Doria argue again?” was the wisest thing on Gredda’s part, even despite the close friendship of the respective families.)

    A valiant effort, though—and I can see that even if Gredda isn’t able to help smooth things out on Maris’s end, she’s at least going to try to do so on Doria’s. Like Kahara, though, I wonder if this is going to be a “famous last words” case…

    And of course how could I not make mention of the absolutely fantastic “txt talk” sequence [face_laugh] —but I suppose you’re not surprised that I picked up on that. :p Even with the seriousness of the situation they’re discussing (it really is rather suspicious about the lack of invitation to the entrance exam…), I couldn’t help but laugh. I love how your, Kahara’s, and my examples of various flavors of GFFA txt talk all turned out in some ways completely different, yet in other ways with some interesting commonalities.

    Chapter 2, part 2

    “Comradette”—love it! [face_laugh]

    And now the Kafkaesque dance of bureaucracy begins! I dipped into The Trial the other day and I was struck by how much Kafka's style reminded me of a certain species of EP story of which this one right here is a prime example. Though I thank you, EP, for using more paragraph breaks than Kafka does. :D

    I'm definitely seeing what you mean about Blue's more annoying characteristics now. He and Dolores Umbridge could get together for tea and crumpets served on kitten china, though he's not quite as extreme or as evil as she is—he's more just caught up in the system. Could he be sort of a more bureaucratic, less lovable version of Gwig? [face_thinking]

    As others have said, this bit about the proposed career for Doria is most intriguing. Even more intriguing is what happens when Doria calls him on mentioning that and her mother's possible treason. Whatever this "reverse theory" is, it seems to be beyond Blue's control and causes him to act in ways that are beyond his control. I imagine details will be forthcoming later in the story...

    And then Gredda steps in and confronts the system with admirable forthrightness and no-nonsense-itude and gets the info right out of him. Of course, then this NOE and relocation business piques further curiosity. And that pendant again... I shall be watching this character closely. [face_thinking]
     
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  6. metophlus

    metophlus Jedi Padawan star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2015
    2. One Bad Day

    The taxi later crashed and exploded with Maris inside! Christmas comes early sometimes.

    Pardon the question, but... why is she typing like this? Is she borderline illiterate or trying to be cutesy?

    I'm afraid that Doria is a self-harmer waiting to happen, if she isn't there already. She needs help. =[

    Charming convo between Doria and Blue here. =]

    It wasn't clear that he was crying up to this point. "He broke" is kinda vague. Unless I missed a line.

    To clarify for my own understanding... Doria is almost set to travel to the planet Vagran and attend a university in the city of Abatore. The dormitory space for a Sacorrian student is taken, but Doria and her mother could stay in the nearby city of Anaslinea-Hoc, where there are subterranean tunnels containing a lot of history. But Gredda and Blue need to convince Maris to relocate her employment to the Hoc museum.

    // metophlus sends a big Wookiee hug to Ewok Poet //
     
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  7. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    I am responding to the last comment first because I am quite flattered that I got one of the reactions I wanted - a person being annoyed with both Doria and Maris, for various reasons. So, metophlus - I salute you. :D I was hoping to have at least one reader approach them (and maybe some others) from that POV and get to see their better sides only later.

    To clarify for my own understanding... Doria is almost set to travel to the planet Vagran and attend a university in the city of Abatore. The dormitory space for a Sacorrian student is taken, but Doria and her mother could stay in the nearby city of Anaslinea-Hoc, where there are subterranean tunnels containing a lot of history. But Gredda and Blue need to convince Maris to relocate her employment to the Hoc museum.

    Also, you understood it all well, except that Anaslinea-Hoc is one or two steps away from being Nowhere from Courage the Cowardly Dog. It's a Nowhere with a spaceport. Hmmm, was it always a spaceport? And why the second part to the name? Does that imply a place with a different suffix in its name or no suffix at all existing elsewhere?

    Regarding the above paragraph and the inevitable comparison, don't worry, we're not in your USA state (anymore).

    So, Maris needs to accept to move to a Nowhere, but that Nowhere is close to her aunt's city.

    I would not go that far, but yes, she definitely needs some help learning to deal with Maris and herself.

    Thanks for that, you have a point. :)

    :D

    Regarding your annoyance with that texting sequence, see the comment below.


    Maris may be getting grumpier and grumpier with time, so that question

    Being a fan of language and sociolinguistic approach to grammar and spelling mistakes ever since that was my end of high school thesis in 2001 (yup, we have to write a thesis at the end of high school!); I found it fun to come up with over-the-top abbreviations, barely logical patterns etc. Recently having a 15-year-old confess that he writes "im", "thats" and mixes up "your" with "you're" because it "makes him sound cool, like he doesn't care" may have provoked this, too.

    Now when you mention your and Kahara's variants of text speak, I can't help but get geeky over whether the species' language, anatomy and other factors would impact that.

    Would texting be frustrating to a Twi'lek or a Lorrdian, given how much they rely on gestures?

    Do Ewoks and Gands get annoyed with those stupid egronomic keyboards made for creatures with so many fingers?

    How exactly does a Lahsbee or a Wookiee text?


    That's one heck of a compliment, thank you. :) One of my closest friends is a huge fan and it may have rubbed on me.

    Umbridge? She would totally destroy his poor soul, he's more of an idealist than both her and Gwig. But yes, caught up in the system. And not evil at all.

    Shortest answer possible: yes.



    On Sacorria, relocation chooses you. When inventing their ridiculous laws, systems etc, I took bits of various communist, pseudo-communist and authoritarian regimes here and there.


    [hl=black]If equals a yes, how equals chapter three, the actual meeting may take a little while.[/hl]

    Just like Maris, he can be a cautionary example of a childlike adult. Maris is the dark side to that, he is the light side; but both can be annoying.

    I think you got to know Code:Blue's diet better. :p

    Sseeing Maris as a threat is nothing but a sign of an über-paranoid establishment of Sacorria, the rest is [face_whistling].

    [face_whistling]
     
  8. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    I hate to respond to the rest of your comment with a whistle, but *whistle* ;)

    Or maybe it was before YouTube? The thing that served as inspiration for "that is how a baby burps", that is. Let's say that it's super-common.


    BINGO. :D Having them in the same place is sadomasochism to each of them.

    Another BINGO re: paranoia. Then again, you read the Corellian Trilogy and you know that paranoia is Sacorrian elite's main fuel. :D


    BUT THERE IS TOTALLY NO SPECIESM ON A PLANET RULED BY ONE REPRESENTATIVE OF EACH SPECIES1!!!1!

    Sadly, this is how Yugoslavia broke apart. And yeah, it inspired me. Sometimes I think it may have inspired the Corellian Trilogy, too, especially given the fact that it was written in the 1990s.


    In a system that chooses your future based on how boring you seem to be, does anybody really have a choice?

    More than one possibility:

    1. The Drall in the Triad may be from the R'vanye clan.
    2. Gredda noticed that Code:Blue can be easily "hacked", thus implying that on Sacorria, even the kindest ones have some sadistic traits.
    3. Agricultural Appliances Research Institute of Sacorrata. Really?
    4. Some of the above may be true, some may be misleading.

    Remember, Cope Shykrill was born to the family of groundskeepers on Sarcophagus...sure he turned out juuust great. :D

    Having read this, I wondered if the story is really interesting that how I perceived it to be. Some of the things in it are normalised in my culture, albeit not to the extent in the story, and I also read a lot of eastern bloc stuff, mainly due to my obsession with Chernobyl (you know, the black wormwood star I need to pay homage to in nearly everything I write...:p) and it probably shows. :p


    At that age, frenemies are probably normal to a certain extent, not that it's not emotionally damaging.

    And yes, their relationship cannot be classified easily. The only thing it's not is romantic or sexual, but everything else is a possibility.

    Yes, they have some in common. But I think they would be arguing within minutes. What if Maris think mimosas stink or is annoyed by mandibles clicking for reasons she cannot even explain, or for the heck of it? :p

    I observed how everybody I know well to a certain extent handles grief, from people who shut themselves out to those who act hysterically and came up with that. Glad it's realistic. It's one of those moments that were not meant to be cynical in any way.

    Luckily, Sacorria cannot be broken to smaller planets. Unless...

    I didn't think about that, but now when I look at it, it may as well be one of its major themes. You see dead people things. :)

    As you have seen later, he doesn't. :p

    And I got inspiration for their nonsense jobs from things I read about former athletes in Soviet Union as well as the fact that Andreas Brehme, the man who scored the winning goal in the 1990s World Cup is now cleaning toilets, basically.

    It's Sacorria, they likely existed before that and will exist after.


    All of that and also implying that he may have been a bit sheltered during days of his glory, plus there's that mention of God.

    Since I begun writing this by modelling them against an existing three-piece band, I must admit that I initially laughed at myself when I found the fitting species for the two other guys' common mannerisms, build, default moods and facial expressions. As they grew to independent characters barely related to who inspired them, it was less funny and more serious and that's where the expressions thing came from. Also, they're likely wasted most of the time at this age. :p

    I got the instrument from Wook, but if you have an idea of what it would look like etc, you're absolutely welcome to elaborate on it.


    Imagine Ned Flanders booking the Erotica-era Madonna. ;)

    And yup, Charon may be a party type at this point, but he clearly knows what's going on and who is who; hence the song names etc.
     
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  9. AzureAngel2

    AzureAngel2 Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 14, 2005
    I do like your fics because they do not focus on the well-known main characters of the SW universe. You give us interesting persons we like to know more about and follow on their journey. @};-
     
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  10. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014

    Thanks. :)

    In this case, you may need to wear a seatbelt in your landspeeder. This is going to be an extremely wild ride.
     
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  11. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    03 BUY SAYGO!

    The sun was setting over the bright red, perfect roofs of Saccorata's residential districts when Doria and Gredda got out of the repulsortrain station closest to their street, on top of the tallest building. As they climbed down the stairs to the first available pedestrian level, Gredda was thinking out loud about what had just happened.

    "Tomorrow is going to be interesting, to say the least."

    "Yeah. I pity Code:Blue already. But not more than I pity myself. Let's see which one of us will cry more."

    They entered the pedestrian lane about 30 metres above the surface. Near-translucent wire fence on both sides was covered in vines, creating an illusion of the plants floating in the air. Small insects were pollinating the red, orange and yellow flowers. A flower-shaped dispenser would spray grain fly repellent in preprogramed intervals. The lane itself was covered with neatly-trimmed grass that seemed to be of two different shades. The lighter shade was shaped like writing and, indeed, if one was to read it vertically, in the direction of walking, it seemed to be making sense.

    PROGRESS AND UNITY!

    PRACTICE SELF-DEPRECATING BEHAVIOUR!

    BE A VIGILANT CITIZEN AND REPORT ANY INDOCRINATION FROM OUTSIDERS!

    BUY SAYGO!

    Doria glanced at the fourth and last piece of grass-writing.

    "What is wrong with this planet? Everybody is buying Saygo. Is it because they even write messages about it…in the grass?"

    "Remember, I did my technician practice in the Saygo factory in Curheg and then at their headquarters in Sublata back in the days. Saygos are the cheapest landcars, or, as the offworlders would say, speeders available in the entire Galaxy. Or maybe not, I bet they're making something more affordable in the Corporate Sector; but we were made to believe that nothing can be cheaper than a Saygo. For some reason, it goes well with the self-deprecating behaviour, stairs in place of some turbolifts and so on. But sure, they're not really reliable. You wouldn't see me pilot a Saygo anywhere near, say, areas known for grey bears."

    "You say go and it doesn't go. Right?" Doria stuck her tongue to the writing. "Is that why it's called a Saygo?"

    They continued through the flower lane, which then declined to the 20 m level. Large holographic signs pointed pedestrians to directions of the rounded apartment buildings in the nearby streets. The intersecting lanes seemed busier than the large one they just came from. Neighbours were sitting in adjacent hovering cafes, watching sports games on viewscreens.

    "Just a second, Gredda." Doria went over to the nearest café and approached two older men. "Is the qualifying session for the Tralus race over yet? Who's starting first tomorrow?"

    "Haylo Cipesz, of course. He's the greatest!"

    "No! Jax Novo is the greatest. Haylo Cipesz has nothing on him; he is not a fair player."

    "Oh, great." The other, younger man joined the conversation. "Another teenage girl who demands justice for poor Jax Novo, just because he's handsome and regularly appearing in Juicy Blabber and Empress!"

    "I don't read Juicy Blabber! I buy only dedicated podracing holos and those about speeders in general."

    "That's what all teenage girls say. Do you have a secret Jax fanclub in some basement or what? He's basically a jizz-wailer podracer, that's the thing!"

    "Kriff off. We're allowed to like the same things as you do."

    Gredda pulled Doria's hand. "Let him go. It's not worth it, we are going to be late."

    Doria shook her head and followed her friend. She didn't understand the fuss, but decided to kept quiet so she wouldn't sound like Maris. This dinner party was just a standard one Duchess Branna would throw every other week for her friends.

    However, nothing could compare to the Grain Night. The Grain Night was the highlight of the year for the R'vanye clan. Held at the beginning of the summer, in honour of the peasant family that first welcomed the clan to Sacorria, the celebration would often last until early in the morning. And Duchess Branna knew how to party – she knew the best local musicians, the most breath-taking Selonian war dancers and, being the great leader that she was, she would bring some of the most influential bohemians of the Sublata's Art Committee along. Even the grouchiest of the grouches, such as Maris, loved the Grain Night.

    …​

    The next morning, Code:Blue arrived from the Dorthus Tal City. Just like all true, dedicated state censors, he used the plain repulsortrain and not a speeder of his own, in order to promote self-deprecating behaviour to citizens. Doria was still in bed after having seen a re-run of that miserable podrace where Jax Novo crashed and Haylo Cipesz won; and she forgot to wait for Blue at the repulsortrain station. Luckily, Gredda had foreseen this and at ten hundred, she was at the docking balcony of the Vorr apartment. Maris had muttered that she does not have her make-up on yet and the guest had to wait for twenty minutes.

    "Comradette Maris Vorr? Prog! My name is J…"

    "The limmie player known for the baby burp thing? Wasn't your skin darker?"

    "No, that was my team mate! The better guy, of course."

    "Comrade, you were always less annoying than him."

    "I-I guess I will take that as a compliment, of course?"

    "Yeah…" Doria stood at the end of the corridor leading to the den in her Brave Little Banthas pajamas. "That's how my mother compliments people. Also, mom, he's a CESA worker or something now."

    Maris nearly screamed. "What is a censor doing at our home?"

    "You should prepare yourself – and him – some caf." Gredda sat on the couch and turned the viewscreen off. "Make sure his contains more sugar than anything else. This is going to be a long morning."

    …​

    Two standard hours later, Code:Blue was on the verge of crying. This would have never happened to Code:Red, he knew how to deal with the unbreakable comrades and comradettes. What exactly was Maris Inesedam Vorr made of, that not even sugar, the precious sugar, could help him come up with a solution that would stop her from what she was now doing – lamenting over her, to him, pretty much harmless relocation. Sure, she was aware that she had to say yes to this proposal, for both her and her daughter's sake; but she seemed to be taking way too much pleasure in criticising him over what he could not control.

    "Me? To live in that kriffhole and not Abatore, one of the most beautiful cities in the Sector?" She looked through the window, not turning her face back towards Code:Blue, Gredda and her own daughter. "This planet has completely lost it. We need to blow ourselves up or something!"

    "Of course…I mean, of course not, Comradette Inesedam Vorr!" Code:Blue's spasm of a smile was present again. He was slowly starting to realise where Doria got her sense of humour from. The only problem was that it did not even closely resemble humour. On the contrary.

    "Comradette Vorr?" he turned to Doria. "I have brought you something special, to cheer you up, of course. Two free tickets for an event that we had to relocate to Saccorata from the Cobble Stone Square in the capital, because so many beings were interested. I even named it after an event that's popular in this part of the city, of course! At least that's what I found in my documentation."

    Doria grabbed the ticket out of his hands, solely to have Maris take them away from her.

    "Is this supposed to make us feel better? The design of these tickets makes me want to punch somebody. Too much purple."

    "It's not changing anything about your mood then, mom." Doria calmly pulled the tickets and, once in possession of them again, started reading the print. "Grain Night Fest Featuring Deeply Religious, Steamy Wasaka Stew and… Pretty Dadanna? H-how does this even add up?"

    "It was my idea." Code:Blue said and grinned. "Everyone on Sacorria loves Pretty Dadanna! The best singer around, of course!"

    "Wait, this means I won't be able to attend Duchess Branna's Grain Night banquet!"

    "You will join us later. Better for me. When you're present, you're embarrassing me so much. The way you hold the fork and…"

    "Yes!" Code:Blue cut Maris in the middle of the sentence. "This way you get two Grain Nights. The one everybody can get into… with a ticket and the mythical one that… wait? The two of you are allowed to attend the actual Grain Night?"

    "Glisse!" Gredda got up from the couch and walked towards him, the black star pendant reflecting the light. "I told you that my aunt Branna is the current leader of the R'vanye clan. You can't seem to remember what you did yesterday."

    "O-of course! I mean, no… I do remember yesterday!"

    "And no, you're not invited to the Grain Night. The way things are going, we will probably throw another dinner party in Maris and Doria's honour before they have left and you can come to that one, but not this one... of course."

    He frowned.

    …​

    Tendra Risant's comm beeped, just as got out of the 'fresher. The code displayed was one she couldn't recall getting anything from for a long time.

    "Prog, Tendra." The monotonous voice on the other side definitely belonged to the one she thought was calling and, apparently, it wasn't a mistake.

    "Doria! What a surprise!"

    "Tendra…this may come across as weird, but I have two tickets for the Grain Night Fest. Would you go with me?"

    "Is Antonio Nokaarbe going to be there? Antonio of Steamy Wasaka Stew?"

    "Unless his band fancies performing without him, yes."

    "Antonio! By the light of Sacor, Doria, I love you!" Tendra was dancing around the room at this point. "I am going to see Antonio! Again!"

    "So, that's in two days. Where are we going to meet?"

    "I am going to pick you up at four!"

    "At four? In the afternoon?"

    "No, at four in the morning. I need to be as close to Antonio as possible! I was in the hoverlounge at the Coronet City concert and I couldn't get a good look of his muscles with my own naked eye."

    "You're kidding, right?" Doria was not amused.

    "Not at all. Antonio Nokaarbe is… wow, you have to look him up on HoloNet if you're not familiar with SWS already. I l-l-love him! I could totally…marry him! Hey…where did you go? I guess somebody is jamming the calls again. Ohwell…"

    Ten minutes after she had accidentally hung up on Tendra, Doria came across some holovids of SWS and realised that Dak spoke about them some months ago. That Antonio looked like a small piece of furniture and, apparently, everybody thought he was Kiffar. Since the BybloPedia article only referred to his band as being on the Galactic Empire's Scarlet List; she activated the bypass to the uncensored network and looked him up on HoloPedia. He sounded like a scoundrel, fond of debauchery and the list of his former girlfriends, most of whom posed in the nude with him at some point, was so long that it took her three tries to open it. Since when was Tendra Risant, the girl who practically grew up under her father's desk at various government offices, fond of such... egomaniacs?

    And why were Gredda's ideas so weird sometimes? There had got to have been a better solution to get accommodation worthy of Maris' wishes. That would have been better solution than being forced to invite Tendra Risant to this festival and then nagging about asking her dad for help her meet Antonio once they were on the barrier.

    Just then, a bubble with the latest news from the Galaxy's top podracing outlet flashed across the screen.

    JAX NOVO SACKED BY CORELLIA-CORUSCANT RACING TEAM DUE TO POOR RESULTS.

    Fed up with everything, Doria slammed the lid of her datapad against its keyboard and looked at the Jax poster on the wall of her room.

    "My poor wookiee-ookiee, what are they doing to you? You…you don't deserve this."

    She completely forgot to check for more information on Deeply Religious, as she only knew of them from her neighbour Aya Kerrsen's stories.




    Footnotes:
    The idea of Tendra Risant having grown up under her father's desk was borrowed from JadeLotus ' one-shot, Tells.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
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  12. JadeLotus

    JadeLotus Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Grain Night sounds intriguing, and I suspect where the Deeply Religious will come into play as they're on the bill.

    The name Maris for me has such a strong association with the offscreen character from Frasier - was that intentional? In any event the prickly relationship between her and her daughter is clear.

    And I'm happy to see Tendra pop up again, and I enjoy her teenage exuberance, although I share Doria's surprise at her interest in such a cad - simply a harmless, ill-advised crush many people experience, so something else? She's already indoctrinated into the Saygo love, I see ;)
     
  13. Findswoman

    Findswoman Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2014
    Wow, this late-Imperial dystopian dysparadise gets simultaneously more surreal with each chapter—in a good way and often in side-splittingly funny ways. The messages of the "light and flower show" were just the perfect expression of the place's whole ethos somehow (as was the fake flower spraying grain-fly repellent). And naturally drumming "self-deprecating behavior" into everyone just turns such behavior into a way of showing off—as we see in Blue's choice of transportation.

    It looks like the Saygo may be a GFFA equivalent of the Yugo, yes? And I see that jokes are cracked about it in the same way, fairly or unfairly.

    Things definitely seem to be off to a rocky start convincing Maris of the relocation, though there's no real surprise there. I love how Blue's first thought is, "gosh, sugar wasn't enough to convince her?" And of course his feeble but in some ways lovable attempt to brighten Doria's mood with tickets to the festival—segueing, of course, to the absolutely priceless faux pas about the REAL Grain Night. At which point, very strategically, Gredda takes the opportunity to step in.

    And then we learn that the whole wheeze of inviting Tendra to the festival concert is Gredda's idea—she's obviously got a plan, & I am renewed in my determination to watch her closely. And perhaps I should keep my eye on Antonio N., too, because I too was struck by Tendra's inordinate enthusiasm for him—seems to be maybe more than just teenage bubbliness at work there. [face_thinking] Fingers crossed that the plan will work—whatever that will mean in this case (only Gredda really knows). [face_good_luck]
     
    AzureAngel2, Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  14. skygawker

    skygawker Jedi Knight star 3

    Registered:
    May 25, 2014
    Just read this story from the beginning! You do a great job with introducing OCs with individual and memorable personalities, and with worldbuilding a believable culture for the timeframe. I'm definitely interested to see what happens at the festival.

    (I'm also intrigued to find out what mysterious job Doria is a possible candidate for).

    Anyway, keep up the good work! :)
     
  15. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    Precisely. They had to come into play at some point...and that's when. :)

    I have never seen Frasier, now I totally have to. THAT Maris sounds like my Maris on steroids. Especially the webbed hands and bizarre weight. The person Maris was inspired by most is somebody who used to be very thin, to the point of having the weight of a 10-year-old in her late 40s, but in terms of BMI, it's still over 19.

    I went for a name that's like a GFFA version of Maria, Miriam, Mary et cetera. Both Maris and Mirax sounded good, but I settled for the earlier.

    Come ooon, you know you too totally want to ride a Saygo with the gods-gift-to-women Antonio...

    ...and then casually drop him over some thorn bushes or in the volcano that powers the Dorthus Tal prison. :p


    The Empire doesn't play a huge role in an average Sacorrian's life. As seen from the first chapter, Tendra's friends dismiss Doria and Gredda as crazy, for talking about an awful war going pretty much everywhere. Doria does not seem to sympathise with anybody over it, the only inconvenience the Empire causes her is that she needs to go to HoloPedia because BybloPedia is full of propaganda and bantha poodoo on top of it.

    Of course, Sacorrians are brought up to be relatively polite, insular and not cause trouble; and the planet provides food for the entire sector, so it's not like the sheevy sheev can ever subject it to anything extreme. His people need to eat, too. The Triad probably blackmails the Empire a bit, otherwise the Sacorrians would be worshiping the New Order and not them.


    Of course. :D I could not resist. If you ever took a ride in one of those, you

    Blue got his position to show that there is life to sport legends after their career is done. Nooobody said he was a good negotiator. :p


    See what I said to JadeLotus above. [face_whistling]
    It's always a pleasure when a great writer who sees a significant portion of the world in a way similar to mine drops by, so...yeah, I hope you'll stick around. :D
    The festival will definitely be coming in chapters 5, 6, maybe even 7.
    As for the perfect job...[face_whistling]
     
  16. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    Please, note that the following chapter can stand on its own, as an one-shot, which is why it is also my entry for the Bring Back the OC Revolution Summer Challenge -- Walking in somebody else's shoes. You don't have to be familiar with the rest of the story to read it and I have prepared a special set of footnotes for readers others unfamiliar with The Black Star, containing a classic story heading - just so you have an idea of what you're reading.

    Huge props to Admiral Volshe for her help with Imperial and COMPNOR terms, as well for last-minute proofreading!

    _______

    4. Destination: Anywhere

    Sacorria - Vagran-Aurea pipeline, around the same time as previous two chapters

    Darse Loor glanced around the cargo department of his ship. He was relieved. The Twi'lek dancing girls and about a dozen furry specimens in chains were finally sleeping. The stun setting on his E-11 blaster rifle was truly the best thing since the invention of ice-on-a-stick. All those inferior beings whined way too much, as if twenty plus standard years of the New Order had not taught them anything. And he just wanted them to sleep.

    Being related to one of the Corellian Sector's resident COMPNOR agents and an Imperial liaison officer sure had its own share of perks. For one, he was allowed to get away with this - without the possibility of ending up in one of the numerous Imperial Prisons.

    "Captain Loor?" one of the Stormtroopers in charge of the shipment patted Darse on the shoulder. "Is it true that these things are being transferred to Blobbo the Hutt and not the actual Imperial Prison in the Estainia Hunting Grounds?"

    "That's not an appropriate question, Lieutenant…"

    "Geelmen. Aerenna Geelmen, sir." The trooper removed the mask and let her hair down. Darse was surprised to find out that one of the minions assigned to him was a zherry-haired woman with heavy eyelids and a captivating smile. "You can close your mouth now."

    "I heard that last name before." Darse thought to himself. He coughed, trying not to look at the woman licking her lips, and did his best to sound like an authority figure again. "What do you think would allow you to ask such a question, Lieutenant Geelmen?"

    "My older brother could find out. You know…Aryan Geelmen. I am pretty sure you have heard of him."

    She batted her eyelashes, but it was in vain. At this point, she became instantly unattractive to Darse. Geelmen. Geelmen. Of course that Darse had heard of Aryan Geelmen, the notorious xenobiologist from Xyquine II. That man was going beyond what he considered moral, and he did not have high criteria to begin with. Geelmen once reported a Sacorrian doctor he worked with at a laboratory in Sublata for an inappropriate relationship with a near-Human, which was somewhat understandable. But after that, he got quite mad. He was involved with risky cybernetics-related experiments on war orphans and it has been said that his ways were unethical, even in terms of what would be allowed under the Tarkin doctrine. The last Darse heard of him, he was to be dealt with, by no one other than Darth Vader himself.

    However, this woman just implied that Aryan Geelmen was…alive. And possibly endorsed by the Emperor Palpatine himself. He could have been kriffin' anywhere, doing kriffin' anything. This sly woman just put Darse in a position where he was obliged to give her the correct answer. The idea of the older Geelmen sibling finding out about somebody flirting with his sister and then refusing to give her the information she wanted immediately made him think of being tortured in a laboratory on a remote location. Somewhere where nobody would hear him scream.

    He coughed again and gave response to the grinning lieutenant.

    "So, yes. Most of these convicts are going to Thaeme, to be transported to the prison. That is what everybody knows. What they don't know is that, before we head to Thaeme, we are dropping a dozen Selonians and four busty Twi'lek maidens at the Central Spaceport of Vagran, as a hand of peace extended to Blobbo the Hutt. We may need his connections with other Hutts in future and this was what we came up with."

    "And if these slaves were not registered, nobody will know. I think I get it." By this point, Aerenna was whispering in Darse's ear. "Blobbo the Hutt will love his new Twi'lek dancers, once they come round, of course. But why does he need so many Selonians?"

    "They're low-maintenance, he said. They don't need actual beds; their fur never gets too long to require a trim. And they cannot mate with each other, due to the females being infertile, so there won't be younglings."

    "I have dealt with many Hutts before, captain Loor. This one sounds strange. Why wouldn't anybody want to own minor beings from the day they were born?"

    "He is…very clean, so I was told. He cannot stand younglings' barf all over the place and his twin majordomos are not the kind who would deal with it easily." Darse shook his head. "Anyway, I have to hit the 'fresher one more time before we've landed. See you later, make sure these beasts don't wake up."

    "What? Do you think Blobbo will smell your…?"

    "Shut up. I really have to go!" Darse ran out.

    Aerenna glanced at twelve stunned short-furred humanoids lying on the floor. She was taught that Selonians could not function outside of their dens; that they were lost like fish out of the water without their queens. This was one of those rare moments where she doubted what she had learned at the Imperial Academy. This bunch had rioted all the way from Selonia, almost making the starship lose its curse in the middle of the solar storm coming from one of the uninhabited systems in the sector. Maybe they were actually sentient after all?

    Her brother firmly believed that all of the species proclaimed to be non-sentient had special talents and that, the closer to Humans they were, the more chance there was that they could be used as organ donors. It all made sense to her. Kriff her parents for thinking Aryan was a black nerf; he was got to be right, all along.

    She ran her hands through the fur of the nearest Selonian with shiny, yet rough grey fur. She stopped short of his waist, realising that she had been staring at his brown, torn trousers for too long. Then again, he was probably not likely to wear any clothes once at Blobbo's. If Darse was not willing, perhaps this creature was?

    "Back off, bugslut!" he muttered through his sharp teeth. "Blast it!"

    Aerenna gasped and jumped back.

    "Your life is going straight to the sarlacc pit, pateesa. Why not have some fun with me, for one last time before that?"

    "I'd rather have some fun with a sarlacc. I said blast it."

    The Selonian jumped up and kicked the Stormtrooper in her stomach, just as Corellian Jewel came out of hyperspace. She hit her head against the wall. He checked her neck for vital signs. She was alive and likely to come round at some point. He had to think fast, but before anything else, he removed a piece of his tattered tunic and tied it around her mouth, gagging her with a ball of fur.

    With the blaster rifle in his hands, he looked at his eleven unconscious friends, regretting that he would not be able to take them along. When the captain fired at them, everybody other than him was hit. His pretend-to-be-stunned stunt worked, for once. He wished they would wake up and attack the other three Stormtroopers somehow, then escape to the nearest town. But he had to make a choice and the only option was to save himself from being executed before even being subjected to whatever torture Blobbo had in store for his slaves. He had heard of Hutt crime lords and what he knew sounded worse than being eaten to death by a tunnel worm in a dead-end.

    He swallowed a lump and wiped some sweat from behind his ears.

    "Now, what if I stick her there?"

    Looking away, he removed the woman's uniform. He found Human bodies to be disgusting and this one, with pale white skin and a narrow waist was the worst he had ever seen…just where did she get the idea that he would be up for a quickie with her? Had she ever seen a proper, plump, fertile Selonian? With one last shrug, stopping himself from spitting on her, he shoved her through the 150x150 cm chute. She still had her comm and if there were no dianogas on the ship, she would've probably survived. And perhaps she was willing to have her brother attach a pair of lekku on her head, either way?

    Just then, Darse Loor came back. He seemed to have adjusted his hairdo while at the refresher.

    "Pateesa, we are about to land. Would you care to help me out?" He grinned, and then realised that his underwear was hanging out. "Oh, kriff."

    "Pateesa?" Is that how Humans were flirting? Disgusting!

    "If you need help wiping yourself, no. I am not going to help you."

    Darse frowned. "So, you don't like me anymore because of my bowel issues, lieutenant Geelmen?"

    The Selonian hoped that nobody could see him shiver underneath the heavy Stormtrooper armour. "When I need information, I need information, captain Loor. It's all business, after all."

    "Fair game, lieutenant Geelmen. Fair game."

    At this point, Darse really, really looked as if a tunnel worm had chewed him and spat him out. Or - as the Selonian thought Humans would say - he was on the verge of tears.

    A trio of Stormtroopers arrived before he could witness his captor humiliate himself over what he thought was rejection.

    "We have landed at the Anaslinea-Hoc spaceport, sir." One reported to the captain. The other was observing the limp bodies on the floor.

    "They don't seem to have woken up. Shall we just carry them to a speeder outside?"

    "I do hope that you told the local authorities that we need a special speeder for our cargo and that you…" Darse flicked the invisible credits between his thumb and index finger.

    "The man working in this shift refused to take credits. Instead of it, he presented me with a small pack of cigarras and some sort of a kabob. Apparently, today is a holiday."

    "Niice, lieutenant Bargle. Let's make the best out of it. I would not mind spreading the bribe credit in two if people are bound to help us today, according to whatever stupid tradition."

    "Five, sir." The Selonian heard himself say. "Or I'm telling Aryan that you scammed me. I could also tell your cousin Kirtan Loor about it."

    Darse was close to hating Aerenna Geelmen at this point. He was hoping for a quckie and what he got was betrayal spreading like a deadly virus.

    "She's got to be more than a Stormtrooper. She just knows too much." He thought to himself.

    They got out of the starship. The landing strip was located right next to what appeared to be an endless black sand beach, in the middle of a large gulf. Some mountains were visible on the horizon, disrupting the perfect picture of the sea becoming one with the skyline. On the coast, houses were scattered on a nearby hill, with a particularly large one dominating the sight.

    What looked puzzling to the Selonian was a large transparisteel barrier topped with a laser fence, rising up to seven metres in the air, leaving a very narrow strip of the beach between the spaceport and town in the distance. Just what was located there?

    "I see your brother hasn't taught you anything about Vagran, Aerenna." Darse stroked his chin and gave the Stormtrooper a side-eye. "Nearly every community on this planet is surrounded by barriers, whether they're physical, chemical or plain energy screens. Vagranite non-sentients put "wild" in "wildlife", so to say...and they can kill you dead, yup."

    "Of course I knew that…pateesa."

    Darse could no longer take this woman's mixed signals. She could have as well been making faces at him underneath that helmet! He wished to be out of here, now. The hours he was scheduled to spend negotiating with Blobbo the Hutt sounded like a party with the Emperor's personal courtesans, in comparison to Aerenna's constant baiting. And it seemed that she had gotten worse after she was left alone with the ship's precious cargo.


    "Let's empty the garbage from the chute into the disintegration unit and go." He looked at the group, who had finished putting the slaves in the front trunk of a bulky speeder. "These pesky locals won't allow us to leave the spaceport before we've gotten rid of what could be potentially dangerous to the planet's wilderness."

    The local man with a cigarra in his mouth, who seemed to be the only person working in the morning shift that day, had a group of heavy-duty droids pull the chute cartridge out of the side of the starship. He looked on from a small repulsorlift platform, as they were emptying it inside of a large mobile garbage disintegration unit.

    "Don't burn me alive, kriffslider!" somebody yelled. The man gasped, dropping the cigarra out of his mouth, when he realised that a pale hand was pulling him from inside of the round entry pipe.

    He pulled out a slim, red-haired woman in her negligee.

    "Bloody grey bears!" the spaceport employee hit his head against the lever. "I almost disintegrated a pretty lady! We need to give you a chemical shower, now!"

    "What is going on up there?" Darse put his palm above his eyes and looked up. "Holy bantha poodoo…Aerenna? Then…who just rejected me?"

    The three Stormtroopers looked on, as the fourth threw himself into the water.

    "After the intruder, you fools! It could be somebody from the Rebel intelligence, somebody who lived in our garbage department for the last four hours!"

    Lieutenant Bargle nearly jumped in the water after the rogue Trooper, when he noticed rough waves coming from the distance. Only then did he remember that there were fifteen, not sixteen bodies lying on the floor of the ship's cargo department.

    "Captain Loor. That's one of your precious gifts to Blobbo, running away!"

    "What the kriff?" Darse kicked the speeder's chassis. "And the three of you cannot count to sixteen? Start the search! We need to find this lower form of life and teach it a lesson. You know, we can always tell Blobbo that we accidentally killed one of his slaves when we stunned them."

    "No sir…I mean, yes, sir…I mean, no sir!" Bargle looked on, as the intruder, apparently an excellent swimmer, got out of the water and crawled through the sand, straight below the durasteel barrier. Seconds later, there was screaming that sounded like the Selonian slaves rioting right before they were stunned…and a Stormtrooper helmet was fired out of something located in the middle of the restricted area, followed by a loud burp. It landed straight in front of Darse Loor's feet.

    "What did you just gives to the only sarlacc on Vagran?" the local worker dropped yet another cigarra out of his mouth. "We feed it a special diet; we don't allow it to eat something that could make it sick. On the second thought, I wants those credits. There is no way I is able to explain this to our authorities, not without losing my job!"

    "Call off the search. It's not like anybody could have survived that. One piece of scum less is a job well-done, after all. And that slimey Selonian will be slowly digested for a long time to come. Kirtan will be proud of me" Darse grinned, glancing at Bargle and the other two Stormtroopers. "Now…where exactly is Aerenna getting this chemical bath?" His grin was painfully wide at this point. "I wonder if her brother would approve of what was, in the end…my…flawless…extermination plan."


    About thirty minutes later, the speeder departed to Blobbo the Hutt's mansion in the hills. Elsewhere, a Selonian in tattered clothes was limping and crawling his way towards Anaslinea-Hoc. He was nearly swallowed by the unexpected Sarlacc and only quick thinking, that Humans were sure he was not capable of, saved him from doom. Selonians were accustomed to quickly removing their clothes when they were not in presence of Humans, so getting off the heavy Stormtrooper armour just at the moment when the slimey tentacle was about to grab him, was a result of a lifelong habit. Nothing more.

    He reached a dusty street leading to what seemed to be the waterfront. A small park was separating the street from the black sands beach. Four buildings with way too many balconies and a three-storey dark green hedge next to one of them were closer and closer. He had to reach one of them, somehow. Had he been given some water and food since his capture on Selonia, this would have been so much easier. And he was starting to doubt himself.

    "If I am seeing a giant hedge, then I must be nearing my end…"

    Sadly, his feet, no longer listening to him, were dragging him in the direction of the hedge. There were so many legends his den's storytellers told to younglings about afterlife, but none of them mentioned any kind of gigantic shrubbery. The leaves smelled so good, almost like berries. He got close enough to caress one of them, and then he dropped.

    Seconds later, a Human female with shortish, greying hair, wearing a flower-patterned blouse and a long, indigo blue skirt ran out of the green whatever. She picked the blaster from the Selonian's limp hand and, before he knew, had him at point-blank range.

    "I normally don't greets my visitors like this, but you…you is suspicious!"

    "Don't shoot!" he yelled. With one last droplet of strength, he managed to add. "I escaped the slave transport."

    The woman tilted her head.

    "Why do you owns a blaster, then?"

    "Long story. I was kidnapped on Selonia and they were taking me and eleven more males from my sept to somebody called Blobbo the Hutt." He clearly didn't like the rifle that bought him freedom being placed against his forehead. "I escaped. It's a long and strange story. Am I a refugee now?"

    She was now smiling. Whatever he had just said, she finally believed him.

    "We's all refugees here. We were almost killed with fire. It's a long and strange story. What's your name?"

    "Soleo."

    "I's Laoda. Let me bring you something to drink, you must be dehydrated. Can you get up and follow me inside?" She let him lean on her shoulder.

    "Am I s-supposed to get into of the giant shrubbery?"

    "Silly young man, Soleo. My property ain't no shrubbery. Sure the ol' Taliore needs a trim, but it's the cosiest lil' hotel you will find in town. You's going to love it here."

    Soleo shrugged and followed Laoda inside.




    Notes for those not reading The Black Star

    The obligatory heading

    Title: Destination: Anywhere
    Author: Ewok Poet
    Characters: Soleo the Selonian, captain Darse Loor, lieutenant Aerenna Geelmen, liutenant Bargle, two more unnamed Stoormtroopers, Laoda Kaeni, unnamed spaceport worker, eleven more Selonian male slaves, four Twi'Lek dancers. Mentions of Aryan Geelmen, Blobbo the Hutt, Blobbo's "twin majordomos", Kirtan Loor, Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine. Indirect mention of Chyntuck's OC Simon Kerević and his wife Uumana.
    Timeframe: 3.5 ABY
    Rating: PG-13 for excessive swearing and suggestive themes
    Genre: Action/adventure
    Summary: A Selonian slave must do whatever it takes to escape his doom.

    Notes for everybody

    Sacorria-Vagran-Aurea pipeline is fanon. Since Sacorria itself is on the Corellian Trade Spine, *something* had to be connecting it to two nearby planets that aren't.

    Kirtan Loor, whom Darse appears to be a cousin of.

    Vagran - not much on Wook, but everything about the existence of Estainia Hunting Grounds, the cities of Abatore and Thaeme is from Suns of Fortune. You can have a look at this preview image for more information.

    Anaslinea-Hoc, however, is fanon. Basically, it's a village (calling it a "town" would be a compliment) located on and below the hills, with about 20km of shoreline, most of which is a beach with black sand. Central Spaceport of Vagran is located next to it and, on the other side of the gulf is Abatore.

    Sarlacc on Vagran is fanon, too. It seemed fitting with what's been written about the planet in Suns of Fortune.

    I use "Vagranite" as the denonym for Vagran.

    E-11 - the standard Stormtrooper rifle (thanks, whiskers!)

    Sublata - Fanon. A 200 000 people OC city located in a gorge on Sacorria, on the same hemisphere as the two largest cities, Dorthus Tal and Saccorata.

    Tunnel worm - Not the same as two kinds mentioned on Wook, these apparently live on Selonia and roam through tunnels.

    "Bloody grey bear" - A possible reference to Sacorrian grey bear.

    Kriffslider - one of my common in-universe swear words. Once you realised what it may stand for, you will lose your apetite. I promise.

    Unnamed holiday - to be determined. :p
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
  17. Findswoman

    Findswoman Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2014
    Go Soleo! Good on him for showing that Aerenna exactly where she got off. And some admirable quick thinking and presence of mind not present in any of the nearby Humans, despite all their pretensions to superiority—pretensions that are thrown into huge relief by not only Soleo's cunning but also by the humans' shallowness and oversexedness. Especially Darse, whose name fits him well. (Because NATURALLY pretty lady equals potential casual sex partner, RIGHT? :p) But what's really natural is Soleo's ruminations on why she's NOT a pretty lady—"had she ever seen a proper, plump, fertile Selonian?"—perfect. Kudos for bashing the stereotype that all species' standards of attractiveness are necessarily the same as on (some parts of) Earth. =D=

    There are reminiscences of Richard Wright's Native Son in Soleo's escape and his neutralization of Aerenna—there too the hero, Bigger, stuffs the evidence (in the form of a dead or unconscious woman) into a duct, to have it resurface later in a disconcerting way. Only this time you've incorporated the stormtrooper disguise and thereby the challenge theme; all Bigger had to disguise himself with were his storytelling skills. You go the extra mile by putting us inside Soleo's head, showing his reactions to the continued advances of Darse. (S. is right that "babe" really IS a distasteful way to flirt!) It's a short sequence, but in it Soleo really is, in a way, trying to figure out what his would-be captor is thinking (another level of the challenge theme). And funnily enough, Darse gets to the point where he too is trying to figure out his interlocutor: "She's got to be more than a Stormtrooper. She just knows too much."

    I recognized the mention of a certain Human doctor and his "inappropriate relationship" even before the notes at the end. :p (Hint: OCs of a Certain Space Onion. ;) )

    All done with the characteristic EP blend of humor, sincerity, and the perfect level of detail. The plight of the Selonian and Twi'lek slaves en route to Blobbo is a terrible one, unmitigatedly so, and is nowhere reflected more starkly than in the way the humans talk about them as animals and "its" and the casual way they stun them into submission as with a tranquilizer gun.

    Laoda is intriguing, right down to her rather idiosyncratic speech pattern. I bet we're only seeing the tip of the iceberg with her appearance here, and no doubt she has a story to tell. She and Soleo seem very different, but they do both have "long, strange stories" that perhaps will turn up some commonalities.

    This is fantastic on its own (great work pulling that off!), but I will of course also be interested to see how it ties in to the larger story of The Black Star. [face_thinking]
     
  18. Admiral Volshe

    Admiral Volshe Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Sep 2, 2012
    Finally, I am reviewing this!

    1.1
    This really pulled me in. The way you put everything together paired with the descriptiveness - it was like I was watching this all on some show, rather than reading it! I would totally binge watch that on Netflix...lol.
    The relationships between everyone were obvious in a good way from their dialogue, which makes me feel like I know them all well. Tendra and Doria especially. This is despite my only vaguely knowing who Tendra is.
    I am eagerly looking forward to seeing how much further these relationships develop. Although you can tell they are deep from the get-go, I hope we'll figure out just how deep. The way your wrote everything is enticing. Though I have a feeling I won't like Maris so much...but we'll see.

    1.2
    Love the dynamics between everyone here, especially Blue and Red. Red drove me up the wall, but that's actually a good thing...because it's his very well written personality that did it. I feel like their relationship is going to be very important. I like how their personalities correspond with the colours of their names, though I haven't read through all the other reviews to see if that was addressed.

    This part was really well written. It felt very, very natural. I really enjoyed the transition between Sacorria and Nubia, too. I am curious as to this plan that seems to be surrounding Deeply Religious.

    2.1
    This relationship between Maris and Doria still makes me dislike Maris, but...I am actually growing to be a fan of hers. I feel like there's some depth behind her. I hope my suspicions aren't wrong here!
    I love the little chat thing. I can't stand text speak for the most part, but it feels pretty darn realistic. I enjoyed it! I agree that BlasetreegoatAU is the best SN ever! Ha.

    2.2

    Ha, the thought of everyone on a sugar high is hysterical. But Glisse/Blue is certainly acting like it. He's becoming my favourite character. I really enjoyed the dialogue going on here. If I read this right, Maris and Doria will have to...move? I can't see that discussion going well, though. Of course, Maris seems to be obsessed with Doria's success, so maybe it will go more smoothly than I expected.

    The mentions of the Black Star are really intriguing me. My mind is like "give me the significance, now!"

    3
    Perfect.

    This planet sure has a lot of weird issues going on, Saygo has some interesting advertising techniques.
    I have to say that I love how you include real life things, like sports and HoloNet and pop culture. It makes the characters feel a lot more multidimensional when they have opinions of the world around them.

    Code:Blue, sugar addict, "crybaby", and nobody knows him for anything but his ridiculous baby burp celebration. And now...he has to put up with Maris. Poor guy [face_laugh]

    Nonsense, you can never have too much purple. [face_beatup]


    Another one lost to the brainwashing by Saygo :p


    I love Tendra's fangirling over Antonio, though he definitely sounds like a scoundrel. And the scarlet list? Oh dear!

    I feel for Doria here, she's got a lot on her plate.

    4
    I read this last night, but reading it again...I still think it's great. I'm glad I could help! It's an awesome chapter, so much going on and such a great flow.
    I love the descriptions you have going. The bit with the Sarlacc was interesting! I was on the edge of my seat for part of that, trying to figure out what would happen next!

    Darse Loor and Aerenna sound like they needs a good long work in the Spice Mines, though. :p I loved seeing Darse sweat.
     
  19. Gahmah Raan

    Gahmah Raan Jedi Knight star 2

    Registered:
    Feb 2, 2015
    Review time! And this is for the first chapter.

    TECHNICAL: You misspelled Alderaan, but other than that, I don't recall catching any other grammatical errors.

    SETTING: Never paid much attention to stories set in the Corellian Sector before (except where it was a fraction of the story), so this was pretty new to me.

    CHARACTERS: Doria, I can partially relate to the time I had just finished college, except instead of being apathetic, it's just trouble finding jobs in my region that let me fully take advantage of my major. I can see what trope you're referencing with Code:Red and Code:Blue by their names and personalities, but I especially like Red. The Deeply Religious members are also intriguing.

    PLOT: From what I'm seen so far, it's a clearly isolated and laid-back story in the era of the Empire compared to what we'd normally expect of the Star War universe. It provides perspective from a non-action hero standpoint.

    MISC.: Really like seeing that Sacorria is not the only planet being used in this story. However, it took me awhile to realize what time period this story took place in (haven't read the Corellian Trilogy). "Last bottles of Alderaan beer" cued me as this taking place after A New Hope, but metioning the Empire made me realize it was still during the film saga. Then I did some research on who Tendra Risant is.
     
  20. metophlus

    metophlus Jedi Padawan star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2015
    3. BUY SAYGO!

    "NO!!"

    We see a little more of how Sacorrian society operates. There's nothing objectionable yet, other than the HoloNet censorship. Taking stairs is OK. The mindset is to appreciate the simpler things in life and keep ego in check (and yes, I picked up the contrast between that and the "egomaniac" lifestyle of those about to visit the setting).

    I want to see more of Tendra. She's refreshing.

    Here's some vodka.

    That'd be the ultimate self-deprecation.

    No wonder Niles Crane divorced you.

    I wouldn't have wanted to be in the room when that insanity went down.

    Wait. A scene break?? Whew!

    Since around puberty, I'd imagine.

    Is there a spot for Maris under his desk?

    She'll be Deeply Regretful.
     
  21. Sith-I-5

    Sith-I-5 Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 14, 2002
    Good title, and well written and dialogued story prior to the escape, and I felt some worry when the escapee got into the water, along with empathising with his distress at leaving the stunned ones behind.

    The resolution felt built on a lot of convenience - his race fit perfectly into stormtrooper armour; he can lose 18 armour plates and an undersuit in the time it takes a tentacle to encircle him; helmet throw.

    Slightly intrigued to follow up with the hedge woman, make sure that is not a trap.

    I liked that the sarlacc is on a special diet.

    Good stuff.
     
  22. Kahara

    Kahara Force Ghost star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 3, 2001
    Soleo's escape is great for suspense all the way through, and I like (in that way of appreciating truly unpleasant characters done to good effect) how Darse and Aerenna are shown to be really both thoroughly repugnant -- but each having their own little world that doesn't really see the other. But Soleo, perhaps does. Not that he actually wants to know about these two yicky creepers. :p Now that's an interesting point about others' shoes -- sometimes the main result is that you just want to disinfect your feet. ;) Having him impersonate a stormtrooper is a really interesting callback to the original trilogy. (Aren't you a bit furry for a stormtrooper? [face_laugh]) The sarlacc trick is nicely clever and makes for a dramatic exit. And the hopefully-lucky meeting with Laoda is intriguing.
     
  23. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    Now I wish I had used that verb, as she probably wouldn't use it in the way you use it here. And HA.

    They see him as an animal, he sees them as a freakshow! Sure, he'll meet some sane Humans, but this first experience will definitely make it...weird.

    I knew you'd catch that name. For those who didn't, it means "to give oneself". :p

    I'll just leave this here...

    [​IMG]

    In this case, both Darse and Soleo are right about their assumptions. And I will definitely add that book on the list of things to read in near future. :)

    Of course, that's Simon and Uumana right there. :)


    Darse and Aerenna are relatively young - therefore, they were indocrinated since their earliest age.

    [face_whistling]

    [face_blush] and [face_whistling]

    Thank you! I think it would make for an interesting miniseries, both in and out of the universe.


    As it was pointed out a couple of times earlier, those relationships are very, very complex...and change. A lot.

    Bingo! I went with Red Oni, Blue Oni here.

    [face_whistling]

    There is. But one has to dig REALLY deep.

    BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. That means thanks in goat.

    Yes, they will have to move, Maris is obsessed with pointing things that are wrong regardless of what they are and Blue/Glisse seems to be the current fan favourite, from what I have seen.

    [face_whistling]


    Thanks. :) Also, [hl=black]buy that Saygo already![/hl]

    Two words: of course.

    Nothing Maris says is nonsense, how dare you? :eek: :eek: :eek:

    :p

    [hl=black]You are next.[/hl]

    She seems to be annoyed with Tendra's obsession more than her own situation. I guess Antonio is really, REALLY annoying. [face_whistling]

    And I am grateful that you did. @};-

    I hope the burp didn't feel weird. It made sense in ROTJ, so I guessed that sarlaccs always burp.

    They COULD end up on Kessel...why not? :p

    Thank you! And I'm surprised, because I was more likely to make a grammatical error than get a well-known toponym wrong. English is not my native language.

    In that case, thanks for being open to new things. Corellian Sector is challenging in terms of politics, I recommend the Corellian Trilogy, which got me interested in Sacorria in the first place. :)


    He would get you to write all of this in bullet points, then make sure the letters in each section add up to a well-rounded number. Sure you like him? :D

    And job hunting is a nightmare, I agree.

    Just wait and see exactly HOW messed up it will be. [face_whistling]

    The story has a heading, but yup, you got it all right even without it. :)

    Really glad that you started reading stories and yes, this will be reciprocated sometime this month.

    I don't think they're all egomaniacs, but yeah, SWS guys other than Dale may be.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slick_Hare


    Sacorrian Whiskey*


    Nobody would. Another reason that Gredda's calm behaviour is weird, weird, weird.

    I don't think so. ;) But you'll see...

    Thanks. I think it's some rock album, if I could only remember whose exactly. It has a nice sound to it.

    And he had to make some hard choices. :(

    You're not the first person to mention the OT callback, but you're the first person to notice that his body fits, since even Selonian males, normally smaller than females, are huge.

    And my reasoning is that Selonians are used to getting clothes off once no longer in presence of other species pretty fast.

    It's not. And the way I outlined things, follow-up will come up soon.

    That's Vagran for ya. :D

    Thank you. :) You're a great reviewer, btw. Brief, but catching pretty much the most important bits.

    Classic Kahara! And yes, I can imagine their relationship would default to...pretty much nothing?!

    Salt water could be a good antiseptic, huh?

    And that was an awesome joke. :)
     
    AzureAngel2 and Kahara like this.
  24. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2014
    5. Standing In Line

    The day when Grain Night and Grain Night Fest are taking place

    As the shuttle landed on a high platform surrounded by dust corn fields, a pair of dark blue eyes peeked out from the last row of seats.

    "So, we have arrived to Sacorria! Wake up, guys!"

    "Yeah, now you'll be in your natural habitat, Dale. With Sacorrian grey bears. Maybe you'll find yourself a mate, too. Are you herding?"

    Dale Pavan, the grey bear of a man, just grinned at Wompy's strange reply. He had spent most of the trip from Corellia to Sacorria with the members of Deeply Religious, since his own band mates were fast asleep. He had been concerned about Sassvar and Antonio for a while, but this time, even Wompy seemed to be absent-minded and almost unfriendly. His duty, or so he thought, was to keep everybody's spirits up.

    And he was failing miserably.

    A Drall intelligence officer was waiting for the seven passengers in front of the shuttle. She had a red cap and a harness for a commlink and blaster. Antonio Nokaarbe suddenly woke up and raised an eyebrow and started flexing his muscles, barely covered in a white piece of what seemed to be an oversized camisole. The other three members of Steamy Wasaka Stew walked past him.

    "Names. Species. Hometowns. Homeworlds."

    The shortish Wompy rolled his eyes and blurted out. "Con Brochet. Human from Tralus. And you didn't say welcome. Kriff that!" The Drall ignored his comment and looked up to the tallest individual in the group. He spoke before she repeated the question.

    "Dandelion Roba Pavan. Human from Tyrena, Corellia." The Drall intelligence officer laughed and bit her tongue. "But you can call me Dale. The two guys who are still half-asleep are Sassvar Graba, Zabrak from Coronet City and Antonio Nokaarbe, Human from…"

    "Not Human! That would be an error in the identification of the individual that is me. I'm part-Kiffar!" Antonio grinned. "Have you ever heard of psychometry…beautiful lady?"

    "No and I don't care. Anything that does not contribute to progress and unity is a waste of time. Please, be quiet." She reached for the blaster in her harness, then changed her mind. "Also, put a proper shirt on, now. It's not allowed to walk topless in public here. This is your second warning. Third warning means I'm pulling out my stun gun."

    The intelligence officer walked to the other band.

    "Dale, you ruined my chances with that one." Antonio looked at his drummer with an angry expression in his almost black eyes. "You completely ruined the probability of my engaging in procreation with this attractive individual! And I have an affinity to lady officers! And stun guns!"

    Members of Deeply Religious were properly dressed and though chatty, pretty calm. The Drall woman was pleased.

    "Names. Species. Hometowns. Homeworlds."

    "Charon San Valorum, Human. Anra Renek, Duros. Koobalt Nubes, Ortolan. We are all from Ronto, Nubia. You are very welcoming, you know?"

    "And so I am. Thank you." She offered Charon her hand. "I'm Brigada. I'll bring your host for the day over."

    Antonio pouted like an angry toddler. "She didn't tell me her name! And she seems to like Valorum, out of all being. H-he wrote that atrocity of a song, which was clearly an attack on my persona and…"

    "You promised that you're going to be friendly to him!" Dale reminded his friend. "It's not our fault we were booked to play with them on the planet with the most notorious prison in the sector. Remember that?"

    The intelligence officer came back with a slender, black-haired Human male who was smiling.

    "Welcome to the most progressive planet in the Sector, dear comrades! Comradette Brigada just told me you arrived and, of course, I cannot contain my excitement! I am your host for the day, Joak Bluest…"

    It was too late. All seven guests were doing the "baby burp" goal celebration choreography already.

    "Hey! I have done more than that with my life, of course!" Code:Blue protested.

    "We know, you know?" Charon patted him on the shoulder. "We just couldn't resist. By the way, why are we taking the stairs?"

    "Turbolifts are for climbing up only. Of course, we all need a bit of exercise!"

    Charon looked at Anra, who just shrugged, his permanent frown not making it clear if he was amused or bemused by their first taste of Sacorria. All seven beings rushed down the stairs, stocky Koobs panting behind the other six, struggling to follow the hyperactive host.

    Once on Sacorria's well-known fertile soil, they were approached by a group of Selonian troopers. The musicians looked at Code:Blue, who seemed to be clueless so as to what was going on.

    "Of…course…" He could not continue, as if somebody was jamming his grey matter. He kept on looking at the troopers, then at his guests.

    Finally, one of the Selonians stepped ahead.

    "We are acting on the order of Their Leaderships themselves. One of these groups of wailers needs to leave Sacorria, immediately; otherwise they will indoctrinate our innocent and well-behaved youth!"

    Antonio Nokaarbe grinned.

    "We knew it. Thanks for getting us rid of this major offender and his gang and…"

    "Steamy Wasaka Stew are not welcome on this planet!" the leading trooper interrupted him. "Comrade Nokaarbe, you are to stay, but these three men will have to leave. We were told that only the singer of the offending band should stay on Sacorria."

    Sassvar's eyes shifted from one side to the other, as if he had made a vow not to say a single word that day. Dale seemed genuinely surprised, while Wompy was unable to contain himself.

    "You kriffin' den rats! Why are we not allowed to play here when we were invited to play?"

    "Den rats? I am afraid I'll have to…" The trooper fired from her blaster. "…stun you. Calling me a den rat is offensive, den rats are our backwards ancestors on that clearly inferior world known as Selonia. Now, back to the shuttle, all three of you! Big guy, you seem smart. Carry this parasite and repeat what I have just said to the one with little horns. Nokaarbe, take your luggage and roadie droids and accompany the members of Deeply Religious and comrade Cod…Glisse."

    Members of Deeply Religious grinned, as Antonio trailed behind them and Code:Blue on the way to the repulsortrain station, accompanied only by buzzing roadie droids.

    "Mrgwfr frgrh asrrh."

    "Is that Old Kiffar, comrade Nokaarbe?" Koobs pretended to flex his floppy ears as if they were muscles. "You sure are in need of some psychometry yourself."

    Anra's cold tone was barely audible. "No use. He probably doesn't know what it means."

    "It's fine, neither do we." Charon stopped playing with the ring on his hand for a moment. "But he will find out…at some point, you know?"

    They got in the speeder. Saccorata was visible in the distance, but they did not seem to be heading there.

    "Where are we going? I need to get my hair done before the show!"

    "Relax, Nokaarbe…" Charon put his hand on Antonio's knee, regardless of how repugnant his unwanted travel mate was. In reality, he was scared himself. Something could have been wrong.

    "You'll see." Code:Blue grinned from the seat next to his musteline protocol droid who was just entering the directions into their navigation computer. "Of course!"

    …​

    Tendra and Doria had been waiting in line for about five hours. It was getting warmer and warmer. On top of it, there was nobody else in sight, just a single red and a single orange tunic in the middle of a large, green field that dust corn may have been growing on come the day before.

    "I cannot believe I am going to see Antonio up close! Doria, can you believe it?"

    "No, I cannot believe that you are going to see Antonio up close. What is the deal with SWS, anyway? Why do you like them?"

    Tendra opened her second pack of chocolate and grain candies for the day and sighed.

    "Steamy Wasaka Stew have got to be the best group in the Galaxy! They're fusing jizz with pronk on regular basis, their songs are so, so liberating…just read this." She waved her datapad before her friend's face. "Just read this. Please, please, please read!"

    Doria glanced at the lyrics of a song, apparently called Master Lover and shook her head.

    "If I understood this well, that Antonio of yours first wants to be stunned by a female Imperial Stormtrooper and then sleep with her while the prisoner ship is in hyperspace. Nothing weird about that, all right." She rolled her eyes.

    "In a truly free world, such things would be acceptable! It's a fantasy and…and…being swept off your feet by such a handsome man is what every girl would desire. Don't you?"

    "Right…what I always wanted. An Antonio for me, an Antonio for you, an Antonio for everybody. Shame they outlawed this after the Clone Wars. Any other songs you would recommend? Something else?"

    "Watch the holovid for Underlevels. It's about serious problems poor Antonio was facing while he lived on Coruscant! He had personal demons, poor dear!"

    "Gredda, whatever is the reason you're putting me through this torture, stop!" Doria thought to herself and tilted her head to see the video from the right angle. It was the usual thing – Antonio posing, Antonio's hair in the wind, Antonio's chest up close, one Antonio fading behind another Antonio.

    "Oh, so he does not use epilaser on his nipples and chin? Antonio, how dare you?" Doria tried to crack a joke. "Anyway, does this band have any other members?"

    Tendra pointed at the datapad. "This is Wompy, the bassoon player!"

    "It's a trash compactor."

    "And this would be Dale, the beast on drums! Our mothers would probably say he's the real man."

    "It's a tree, Tendra…wait, who is this? The one whom I can actually see for more than half of a second?" Doria pulled Tendra's hand at the sight of a thin young man with thick brown hair. "Pause!"

    Tendra shook her head. "That's Anjie Men-man-manicure…no, Mencuri, sorry. Sorry. Anyway, Ant…"

    "Why are you sorry? We all get names wrong."

    "I'm sorry because I think he's dead and you asked about him. Nobody knows. He hasn't been seen for more five years now. The last thing I know, he was possessed and they got rid of him. I don't think he was a good fit, anyway. So, Ant…"

    "How do you mean 'possessed', Tendra?"

    "You know, like, crazy. Tonight, I think Ant...Doria, what's wrong?"

    "I need some water. And I changed my mind; give me a large piece of that chocolate."

    Tendra shrugged. Doria grabbed her comm and typed out a message to Gredda, containing the thing she thought about earlier and a plea for a short-sleeved orange tunic instead of her long-sleeved one. Minutes later, the comm beeped.

    "Gredda? Are you going to bring me the tunic?"

    "I don't have much time, Doria…but I had to tell you this. I got a very strange message. I was asked if I would lend my knowledge to an important project with super-high priority."

    Doria moved away from Tendra. It took her good thirty seconds to respond.

    "That has got to be a prank, Gredda! Either that, or they are trying to scam you and make you pay a fat pile of credits to invest in something…those Neimoidian scammers,they're at itagain!"

    "Not this one. Whatever it is, they clearly know my name and background and they know what we're making at the factory. And they cannot make it without me!"

    "Agricultural machinery and droids are pretty much common knowledge."

    "Hmmm…right." The tone of Gredda's voice was strange for a moment. "Anyway, they want me in Dorthus Tal, tonight. I am leaving to an undefined location near Corellia from Their Leaderships' private spaceport. Maybe something is wrong with the Centerpoint Station and it actually has a purpose. This is so exciting, Doria!"

    "Their Leaderships have a…what? And how am I going to survive mom now, before reuniting with great aunt Larax on Vagran? You kept me sane for the past two years, since dad and granny died..."

    "Oh, you will survive. And you are sane. Don't worry. Duchess Branna said that you can always drop by whenever Maris is being…Maris. On top of it, I will e-mail you from Corellia tonight. Make sure you join everybody at the Grain Night banquet after the festival. Have a good time and don't be so hard on Tendra... because I know that you are!"

    "Will do, but…"

    The call was over.

    "What is going on, Doria? Who was it?" Tendra barely managed to mutter a couple of words through a mouthful of whatever the next thing she had in her bag was. "Sorry, I am so, so nervous!"

    Doria didn't listen. She had forgotten to ask about the tunic again.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
    Chyntuck, AzureAngel2, Kahara and 2 others like this.
  25. Admiral Volshe

    Admiral Volshe Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Sep 2, 2012
    Ooh, I love how this all meshed together. The writing and the characters are still so very good! :D
    I really like how you have built a realistic, mutli-faceted Galaxy - the references to everything (like nemoidian scammers, Antonio from a fan's perspective, the food, the stairs), it feels like everything has culture. It's excellent!