"The Family Guy" Quotes Thread

AmazingB: Yup.

 

Ladies & Gentleman....The Beer Room

Take a drink
and you'll sink
Into a state of pure inebriation
You'll be tanked
Like the whole Irish nation
When you drink of enough of my beer
You will find this magic rule
Make your every joke a jewel
You'll drive drunker then Oksans Baiul
Go on buds
Drink my suds
Til you've reached that pure inebriation
Though the beer may be free
You're just renting it from me

 

"I like the fat one. More cushin' for the pushin'." (I like this one so much I use it. )

 

I'm upping this,becuase there's gotta be some life left in this puppy yet. Here we go....

Chris: "I didn't know they had a 5 A.M. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 A.M. WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME!"

Cindy Brady: "I don't mean to tattle,but is Bobby really a doctor?"

Stewie,after trying his pancakes: "Hey Flappy,guess what,I'm not going to kill you."

Quagmire: "Tuesday nights in the eighties I was in bed by eight and home by eleven."

Old lady,thinking Meg is a teen mother and Stewie is her crack-addicted son: "Henry,give the skank a twenty."

 

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison

Loise: Oh no

Meg: Oh no

Chris: Oh no

Kool aid Man: Oh YEAH

Darth_Tyrannous The canadian signature and Sacramento Kings signature, representing C-WEBB and the boys for life

 

(Stewie approaches a stewardess at an airline ticket counter

Stewie: "I have to raise an army, and so I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat with an in-flight Happy Meal. AND NO PICKLES--!! God help you if I find any pickles!!"

(At a multicultural day-care center

Little Girl: "Stewie, come complete our rainbow!!"

Stewie: "I've got a better idea. Let's play 'Swallow the Stuff Under the Sink.' "

(At the same day-care center

[image=http://www.southperk.com/pictures/1195.jpg]

Indian Boy: "Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?"

Stewie: "Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl, or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country."

Indian Boy: "Lee? Would your people really do this?"

Stewie: "Oh, just try and stop them! And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Lee's countrymen, who will in turn sell them to Yuri's people, so that they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly-diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family!!"

 

Peter: ...and after my grandfather created one of America's most beloved cartoon characters!

(flashback to animator meeting, drawing of Bugs Bunny at head of table)

Animator: Okay, we've narrowed it down to two choices... all in favour of "Bugs Bunny".

(almost everybody raises hand)

Animator: And all in favor of... Efram, the Retarded Rabbit.

Peter's Grandfather: (rasises hand, looks around) Oh, you can all GO TO HELL!

 

Peter,on his dad retiring: "He's worked at that lumber mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years."

Brian: "You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there too."
Stewie: "Brrr."

Peter's Dad: "You're a good woman,Lois. Maybe you won't go to Hell after all and instead go to Purgatory with all the unbaptised babies."
Peter: "You hear that,Lois? You like babies."

Peter has a vision and sees Superman in Hell playing cards with various bad guys throughout history-
Peter: "What are you doing here?"
Superman: "I killed a hooker. She made some comment about me being faster than a speeding bullet."

 

Stewie, looking around at a bunch of toddler girls:
"Id do her, do her, do her, oh who hasnt done her...., do her, hmm...lose the pigtails & we'll talk, do her...."

 

The episode where Peter declares his yard independent from the United States as the Republic of Petoria.

Chris: That man over there told me I couldnt go to school.

Peter: Oh who does he think he is? How's he going to stop you? Him and what army?

Chris: The United States Army.

Peter: (Looks to see hundreds of tanks and thousands of soldiers outside his yard) Oh! Thats a good Army.

 

That's my favourite episode

 

PlastiqPhantom-According to Amazon, it comes out September 9th. And thus I sit counting the days.
_jOBO

 

Police Auctioneer: Welcome, we open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.

Quagmire: 50 bucks!

Police Auctioneer: She had nine STD's.

Quagmire: 45 bucks!

Police Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.



Wasn't it 25 bucks and then 50 bucks, not 45?

"Glenn, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?"

"Hey, I gotta question for you! Why are you still here?

 

Stewie: "There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And, its not so much that I want to "kill her," its just, I want her to not be alive, anymore. Uh, I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, by God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

 

LOL, thats one of my favorite Family Guy quotes.

Meg: mom can I get collagen injections

Lois: you know honey most of the world's problems stem from self image problems.

*cut to a gym in Germany. A skinny Hitler can't lift weights and a big muscular jewish man is laughing at him.

Darth_Tyrannous The canadian signature and Sacramento Kings signature, representing C-WEBB and the boys for life

 

DARTH_ABBADON, I double checked the episode, the quote was correct.

 

I'm bringing this bad boy back,just becuase I feel like it.

Peter: "I'm a better dad than the dad on Lost In Space."
(cut to shot of the Robinson family)
Professor Robinson: "We have to find out all we can about this new planet. Don,take my blonde,sixteen-year-old daughter and go out with the Chariot all day. Penny,you stay here with me. (Pointing to Dr. Smith) Will,you go with this mincing,boy-hungry pedophile.

Meg: "Mom,what's wrong with Stewie?"
Lois: "He's hallunicating from the fever,like you did when you where three and ate the adult brownies I made for the Doobie Brothers concert."

 

I wish I could remember how the whole sequence with Peter's idea for the sitcom about the former umpire who opens a bar at the center of the Earth goes.

Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antitem. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.



Peter: What the hell does 'rant' mean?

 

Crud, I was going to post the Cheerios one, too.

 

From the episode wher Brian pees everwhere and Peter is trying to pottytrain stewie:

"I will use these facilities when i damn-well please! Until then, you shall continue to clean my crevasse and be damn gratefull for the opportunety!!"- Stewie

Dont know if thats exact, but im sure its pretty close.

 

From the episode with Peter's dad:

Peter: I don't know what happened to him. He told us he was going for peanuts and cracker jacks.

Brian: I don't care if he ever comes back. No seriously. I'm not trying to be cute. I really hope he is dead.

 

"And I'm not really a horse, I'm a broom!" - boyfriend on Diane show


Peter : "Now I'll never get my own spinoff series where I'm a retired baseball umpire who owns a bar....AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH."

cut to Peter tending bar at liquid outer core of the earth with a brick man at the bartable.

Peter: "We don't get many of you rock people around here."

Rockman: "At these prices I'm not suprised."

Peter: "That's it mister, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!"

cue laughter


Lois: "Peter, what's wrong?"

Peter: "Lois I didn't want to tell you this, but you're getting fat. Its just not healthy."

later Brian walks in with newspaper

Brian: "So how'd it go?"

Peter: "I told Lois she was getting fat"

Brian hits Peter on the nose with the paper

"No!, No!"

 

The best quote of them all

"I'm turning you into poo" -Chris after catching the Twinkie he was chasing on a treadmill

I just loved the off the wall randomness of this show. All those stupid things from our childhood being revisited (like the parody of the Schoolhouse rocks "I'm just a bill") just makes me laugh. Let's all write Seth McFarlane to start making more episodes on Cartoon Network. Anybody know when the unaired episode is supposed to run on Adult Swim?

"heh heh, all right!"

 

From the episode with the NEw Yorkers:I forget exactly how the line starts but Lois sees trash al over the lawn:
"Look at the trash here, New York Times, New york Magazine, New York Mets..."



And in the bar :"Krypton sucks.."

 

Damn you vile woman! - Stuewy