The FanBoy Ten Commandments

My God Ken - that was brilliant.

Just thought I'd mention that before I told you all of my amazing discovery!
I was digging in my yard trying to find my sanity when I came across an ancient scroll!
The title said: "Junland Waste Scrolls"
This lost text documented the conversation between Lucas and the first character he created.
Although it was faded, some things could be made out. For example:

"An Lucas took a handfull of dust and blew upon it. And from the dust was born a man in Lucas's own image - flannel and all".
"Lucas said unto him: Go forth and procreate, build a shelter, master the Force. And by all means adhere to these simple rules to live in my universe:"
"You will know every single language ever spoken, regardless if it's unitelligble or not".
"Even if you can't tell the difference between a hammer and a screwdriver - you will know how to repair any machine".
"If you manage to accomplish anything during combat, you will be made a General by the Rebel Alliance"
"No matter how insignifigant you are - an action figure will be made of you image".

And so the man set forth out into the universe and followed all these rules. And it was good, and Lucas was happy"

It gets garbled from there, but I think we got the jist of it.

 

The one about hyperbole is the best; hands down. So many goofs out there REALLY have no understanding of that literary device.

"He was the BEST star-pilot in the galaxy"--that's hyperbole in case anyone was going to ask me to cite an example.

Great post BTW, Smeagol.

PS--What's a whipegg?

 

Thanks Aura

A whip-egg defies description - in case you're all wondering

 

Shouldent #1 be 'Thou shalt hounor and praise Star Wars as long as your life is long.'

 

And Lucas said, "Let the trilogies be gathered to one place, and screw the critics that try to bash their greatness, for they are one. They are the Saga."

Testify my brother, testify.

Smeagol, I love the idea of the First Man wearing flannel, heh

 

Thanks Damon I try.

 

Guys something terrible just happened! I was laying in my bed when all of a suudden a white light appeared in the ceiling. From that light stepped a ghostly image of Rick Mccallum! He said to me, "Lucas is not pleased. You have questioned everything He has ever set for you. For this, he shall end the world".

And I looked as he opened the First Episode. And out of this came a creature, a creature so horrible and repulsive, it sent shivers among all the fans. And it's name was Jar Jar - and annoyance followed with it.

Then I looked as he opened the Second Episode, and behold there was a great earthquake, and all logic and continuity was sucked in.

I tell you my brothers, just when I thought I had enough he opened the Third Episode - and from this came nothingness. I looked upon the image of Mccallum and asked why nothing happened. He replied by telling me that this was the worst of them all; that I would have to speculate for the next two years with my friends what was to happen.

I tell you my brothers it was horrible.
Preach on.

 

[image=http://www.theburningbush.org/burnani.gif]

Thus the Lucas appeared in the form of a burning bush (FX provided by ILM, of course ) and sayeth unto the Fanboy:

"Go now unto the land of box-office, into the court of The Critic, and sayeth to him: Let my saga go!"

And so it was that the Fanboy travelled into the court of The Critic, accompanied by his brother TechGeek...

[image=http://www.meredy.com/yulbrynner/yimages/10comm22.jpg]

They confronted The Critic and Fanboy said:

"Thus sayeth Lord Lucas: let my saga go! Cease thy ramblings about the downfalls of the PT!"

But The Critic arrogantly replied: "The media is mine. All outlets of opinion are mine. I care not for this Lucas, nor will I let his saga go!"

Fanboy turned to his brother: "TechGeek, connect thy laptop onto the modem, and show him theforce.net, so that he may see the power of Lucas!"

Thus TechGeek showed the site known as theforce.net, and The Critic sees that there are still PT gushers. However, his heart still hardened.

"This is but another cheap fansite," said The Critic. He pointed to his computer and said "Behold the websites of real magazines and newspapers and mass media, proclaiming the doom of Lucas!"

But Fanboy was not deterred. He asked TechGeek to post a topic on the message board, and lo! Now all the fanboys spammed The Critic's sites, until they drowned from the spam of hate-mails!

[image=http://www.meredy.com/yulbrynner/yimages/10comm19.jpg]

Fanboy: "Know you now that you cannot defeat Lucas! If thy heart remains hardened, Lucas and his ILM shall bring a plague upon the land of box-office!"

And behold, the ten terrible plagues...

1--The plague of no violence: ILM digitally removed all violence from every movie, thus there can only be scenes of people killing droids!

2--The plague of Gungans: yes, every source of humor in movies transformed unto a creature so annoying, it ceased to be humorous.

3--The plague of butchered music: All of John Williams' sountracks were reedited according to the preference of the Lucas! The horror!

4--The plague of lousy intercutting: all movies shall move from one scene to the next without cohesion!

5--The plague of CGI locations: yes, more bluescreen/greenscreen/whatever other colour involved!

6--The plague of McCallum's language: all shall be doomed to hear McCallum saying "That's ****ing brillaint, George!" over and over again!

7--The plague of conspiracy theory: at last all who conspired with Sony/WB/New Line/whatever against SW will be revealed!

8--The plague of corny love dialogue: yes, hatred of sand and love for all things smooth will be made known throughout the movies!

9--The plague of reediting old movies: The OT is not alone, for all other movies will be shown no mercy! Come watch old war movies where the gun are digitally erased, and through the wonder of FX, the enemy shoots first!

10--The plague of money: At the last, Lucas will just buy out all his critics! Blessed is he!

 

Lurking you shall be my first prophet!

Too cool, man. Too cool.

You forgot the eleventh plague:
"And there came a great sorrowment as every scene involving a Fett was taken out".

 

And it came to pass that George Lucas did say: "Thou shalt have no other trilogy before me, no LOTR nor Matrix shalt take my place." And the people did rejoice and fabricate much action figures in many likenesses to the glory of Lucas and he alone.

 

No way is that an ILM burning bush

 

more like a WETA burning bush

 

No way is that an ILM burning bush

Maybe it's the ILM team that made the CGI Scorpion King. The horror, the horror! Or was that ILM? I can't keep track these days.

 

I couldn't tell either.

here's some new ones:

"Logic, or lack there of, will be questioned"
-Even though you know it's a movie, you can't understand why the Empire didn't put a steel grate over the exhaust port if they knew it was to be a problem since they had turrets guarding it.

"Backstory backstory backstory"
-Every character shown for more than two seconds will demand a backstory. See Aurra Sing for deteails"

"If you start a thread it must remain 'till the end of time"
-Send your support to this thread. Please keep it alive. Oh God please keep this going. Oh ho please.

I feel cheap after that

 

I got another one:

Thall shalt bumb any "fading" post on TFN if one of your friends started it.

 

Aura ladies and gentlemen: the second prophet!


This really doesn't fit in this post, but it's a fanboy hang-up, so maybee it does.

I saw Life as a house the other day, and by god, Hayden CAN act. Ok, the dialogue was terrible in ATOC, but it's not his or the actor's faults. I've read that Lucas only does a few takes, just to get the ball rolling - not good. Puls, if you listen to the first ten minutes of TPM with commentary, Lucas says that he doesn't like scenes with dialogue, that he prefers action. He also stated that he would like the films to be like the old silent films of yore.. Well Lucas, with your lack of "dialogue directing" and the fact that we know you hate speaking scenes, we almost HAVE to watch the movies with the mute on.


except when Yoda does his samurai yell - that was tight!