The Kyle Katarn Facts thread.

There's a part of me wondering how many times this is going to be said in this thread.

There's another part of me that pities everyone who posts it. After all, when Kyle learns that people besides Himself are winning, and that by simple logic, if He's not winning, He's losing, and Kyle don't lose, He's gonna bring a whole lot of pain to everyone who says that someone other than Kyle is winning this thread.

 

Just reading a thread about Kyle gave me black eyes.

 

^^Best qoute yet.

Kyle once got ahold of a hand-held turbo laser. The result was the landscape of Utapau.

 

My mother, who has not yet seen the PT, yet alone read a single EU book wrote in her journal (which I peeked in when I was 11 years old) that she had an affair with "a rugged man named Kyle Katarn." My youngest sister has a goatee and has frequently beat me until I cried.


BTW I was eleven in 1990. Long before we ever heard of Kyle.

 

He is then quoted as saying that he prefers his Bryar Pistol because it packs more punch.

 

Much more punch. The Bryar Pistol was responsible for the destruction of Yuuzhan'tar

 

Here's a little bit from the Force Unleashed thread:

 

You're not gonna let that one go, are you?

 

The only reason Kyle stole the Death Star plans was because they were really Bryar schematics, and nobody in the galaxy besides him had the ability to use it without destroying themselves. He was doing the Imperials a favor, really.

 

I felt it needed to be shared with my fellow Kyle fans. After this, I'm pretty sure I'm done with it (unless you offend Him again...)

Edit: I feel an immense need to complain that the Valentines Icons lack a Candy Heart that reads "I <3 Kyle Katarn". They have them for plenty of other, more obscure characters (Zekk ) but for a reasonably popular one like Kyle, they don't?

 

Love is too weak an emotion for Kyle Katarn. We must all feel an adulation for Kyle that cannot be expressed in words. Anything as paltry as love would be an insult to Kyle.

And no one wants to insult Kyle.

 

Kyle Katarn is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

 

No, that's Kyle's smaller, less-threatening brother. Kyle is so scary he defies description.

 

Kyle Katarn trained Jaden Korr because no one else is awesome enough to train his son. He let Luke help out because he begged for a month and cleaned his bryar pistol with blood, just the way Kyle likes it..

 

Yeah, I suppose "I attempt to placate Kyle by singing his praises in the vain hope that I won't incur his wrath and discover a new definition of pain and suffering" wouldn't exactly fit on one of those hearts.

Alright! I just thought of a good way to Katarnify the ol' Chuck Norris joke about Law and Order:

Kyle has a lawsuit going on with the Almighty Sarlaac's digestive tract. He claims that Pain and Suffering are the names of his Lightsaber and Bryar Pistol.

The word "Bastard" offends Kyle, that's why the lies about anyone other than Kyle impregnating any woman in the Galaxy are allowed.

 

cf. Kyle Katarn is currently suing Del Rey, claiming "Legacy" and "The Force" are trademarked names for his lightsaber and Bryar Pistol.

 

Kyle Katarn sheds his skin twice a year.

 

Nah, that's just His skin trying to escape. Not even Kyle Katarn is safe from Kyle Katarn.

 

The galaxys second most dangerous beeing i Kyles shadow.

 

The first time Kyle showed up on my screen my monitor cracked in half.

 

He hates Corellians! And he's half Corellian! .......And he hates irony!

If you drop a phonograph needle on Katarns nipple, it plays Lapti Nek by the Max Rebo Band!

It was the sight of Katarns naked body that drove Triclops insane.

 

Kyle once had a one night stand with a bar maid from tat named Shimi. He had to whipe her mind when she wouldn't stop following him around afterward.

 

Kyle Katarn once made a penrose triangle out of clay.

Kyle Katarn built a wall around his home so high that not even he could jump it. Then he jumped it.

 

Kyle Katarn once beat a man to death, than changed his mind and beat him back to life, than realized that no one second guesses kyle katarn not even kyle katarn and beat the man to death again.

 

Kyle Katarn invented the Internet. Losing the election was just His way of warning Al Gore not to take credit for Kyle's accomplishments.