The Kyle Katarn Facts thread.

According to Ghostbusters II, Vigo the Carpathian was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hanged, stretched, disemboweled, and drawn and quartered. Guess how he finally died.

 

Kyle breathed on him. Worse damage then everything else combined.


Kyle was the Mayor of Sernpidal. The Vong hurled the moon onto the planet in an attempt to kill him. Naturally they missed and Chewie became a victim of their arrogance in presuming that mortal weapons...or even moons, could harm Kyle.

 

One of the biggest, bloodiest, most devastating conflicts of the Galactic Civil War was fought by Luke Skywalker and the Shadow of Kyle Katarn.

For his own safety, Luke stayed home that day.

 

But...wait...the battle was fought between....my brain hurts.

Luke stayed home because if he showed up to the Battle of Mindor against Kyle, that novel would be the one in which Luke finally died, thus undermining continuity.

 

Well, it may be possible that Kyle killed Luke that day but then realized it would mess up continuity and brought him back to life.

 

Kyle Katarn was originally cast as the lead in George Lucas' first incarnation of Star Wars, a television series entitled: "Skywalker, Jedi Ranger".

Though a pilot episode was filmed, it was never aired due to the high proportion of shell shock cases reported in test audiences. There were also several instances of spontaneous combustion and a single virgin birth (bearded octuplets).

As such, the show was canned, and Lucas switched his focus to film. Kyle Katarn, having made his point, left the project.

Even so, Star Wars went on to become a huge success and, not long after, Katarn ran into his replacement, Mark Hamill.

The media reported it as a car crash.








Note: No disrespect intended towards Mark Hamill in any way, shape or form. This son ain't ****ing with the Jedi Master.

 

The title of Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor is awesome. But originally it was going to be called Kyle Katarn and Luke Skywalker kick Sithly a$$.

The publishers decided that this was too much awesomeness for any reader to handle, leading to the softer name being used.

 

The main reason Kyle does not appear in the NJO books that much is that he would have wiped the Vong out before the first page was finished.

 

An Azinti tried to Drink Kyles brain...His face melted as he screamed "the power! THE POWER!"

It is said the the 'fresher is the one place even the emporer can not send a man in his stead!

Kyle Katarn sent Jacen Solo!

Jacen Solo did not erase Ben's mind of Allana to protect her from the Bugs and Hapans! He erased Ben's mind because he realise his first born was not a Son! So he could not bestow the honer of giving the baby Kyle Katarn as a first and middle name!

 

^^^^

The Darth Who contest was all Kyle's idea, and he handpicked the final five names. Therefore, which ever name is chosen as the winner will be awesome. Even if it sucks.

Because Kyle decrees it.

 

Carlsberg don't endorse Star Wars characters but if they did, it'd probably be Kyle Katarn.

 

But Kyle wouldn't endorse a beer with less than 20% vol. Besides, he generally doesn't drink anythink besides A1 jet fuel -except on Sabath when he drinks goats milk while reading the Necronomicon.

Oh, and by the way: Kyle buried Cthulhu in R'lyeh, and the stars are too afraid of Kyle to ever be right. Kyle fhtagn.

 

Order 66 was really an attempt by the Sith to prevent the birth of Kyle Katarn. Wiping out the Jedi was just a bonus.

Needless to say, it failed miserably.

 

Kyle Katarn once visited Mimban. The Kaiburr crystal is actually one of his kidney stones.

He chuckled when he passed it.

 

4000 years before his birth Kyle Katarn constructed the Star Forge by mindpower.

 

When Kyle Katarn loses, he pulls a Wookiee's arms out of their sockets.

Of course, that's just what people say. No one really knows, because Kyle Katarn never loses.

 

Every time you masturbate, Kyle kills a stormtrooper.

 

You heard him. Get crackin'.

 

Jacen spent five years searching the galaxy for more knowledge of the force. All the idiot really had to do was have a four minute talk with Kyle.

 

Kyle travelled to earth one day in search of somone who could provide a challenge. He was eventually rousted by the combined might of Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Ripper-shirt Kirk, Adam West, The Power Rangers and George W Bush.

And then only barely.

 

Every time Kyle Katarn kills a stormtrooper, he masturbates.

 

Are you kidding? Kyle wipes out a base in the time it takes for you to unzip, much less actually masturbate.

Edit: It has come to my attention that the phrase "stroke the space slug" is offensive to Kyle because it is comparing one's own junk too favorably to Kyle's. Space slugs are known to be a fraction of 1% the size of Kyle's.

 

Kyle Katarn is...

... not as good as Darca Nyl.



That's right, I said it.

 

Gee, Trip, you're...almost as hi-frelling-larious as Ex was in the first iteration of this thread.

 

^^ yeah you're right..... he's better.