Saga The Phantom Menace Humerous Version redo (Add-on) (Spoilers)In preparation for Star Wars Episode VII

------------WARNING: EPISODE VII SPOILERS ALLOWED--------------
This is a collaborative work for anyone in on the Fanfic Forums to join in. Meaning one person starts and then someone else adds to the story until it is completed. I have done the first several scenes, but I hope to see a wide array of multi-author talent throughout.

What is a Humorous Version?

A long time ago in the JCC....
It was a time before the jump to Snowboards.
When Speak, Darth Vacuous and Purp arose to create....
The Star Wars Humorous Versions.
This is the story of Star Wars told in a humorous and hilarious light.
Or, in the words of Speak, keeping a humorous outlook if we so wish.
And so we wished.
And now it is time for a new generation to have a turn.
To start anew.
The HV Redos are born.
New jokes.
New ideas.
Many new character names.
And a whole lot of fun.
And when we get to Episode VII it will be all new territory for all.

Original introduction............
Why don't we redo the TPM Humerous Version and finish the missing portions of the other Humorous Versions to finish the project? Let's keep swearing to a minimum (please star it out (ex./ ****)) and also keep out the excessive sexual innuendos. Let's just have fun and see what we can do. Let's try to keep most jokes we remember from the old ones to a minimum in the TPM HV redo, and be original as possible. The AoTC the script can be found in The Art of Attack of the Clones book. All the rest of the complete scripts can be found online except for The Force Awakens, which has to be done from memory as of now.. This should be a great project and in honor of Purp and Darth Vacuous let's keep the Whack . And the names LiGon and ObEwan and Manakin, and try to find a different name for Coruscant each time it is mentioned. But everything else that the rest of the Humorous Versions haven't already established as far as names go can be different. Have fun! I'll start.
-Brent [Edit- If anyone has any suggestions for improvement on any of my posts please PM me, and let that be the general pattern for the whole series. We can all PM each other with suggestions for improvement or constructive criticism.]
[Note- now that Episode VII has arrived I have started I have started the TFA HV.]
A long time ago in the future........

A vast sea of stars serves as the background for the main title crawl which rolls up into infinity.

STAR WARS

EPISODE I
THE FANDOM MENACE


Turmoil has engulfed the Galactica Republic. The taxation of trade routes is in dispute. (way to start an action flick I know...) Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the Greedy Trading Federation has stopped all shipping to the tiny planet of Cuba, er NuhBOO.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates the matter (typical) the SUPREME CAMEO has secretly dispatched two JEDI KNIGHTS, the guardians of peace and justice and all that, to settle the conflict.


EXT. SPACE

A small space cruiser heads toward the camera at great speed. Pan with the cruiser as it heads toward the hazy with pollution and sickly green planet of NuhBOO, which is surrounded by hundreds of Trading Federation battleships. The pan that was with the cruiser suddenly disappears.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER

MYSTERIOUS HOODED MAN (o.s.): Captain.

CAPTAIN: Yes sir.

MAN: Tell them we wish to board at once.

CAPTAIN: Yes sir.

The viewscreen lights up, and the Nematoadan Viceroy of the Trading Fereration NEWT RAYGUN, who is really just a man wearing an ugly rubber mask, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN: With all due respect, the Ambassadors for the Cameo wish to board immediately.

NEWT: Yes, Yes, of course (adjusts his mask)(to himself) Ah, that's better. (To the Captain) As you know I'm pretty sure this blockade of ours is legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassadors.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLE SHIP-DOCKING BAY

The small space cruiser bangs against the ceiling, the front wall, and settles roughly on the floor.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP- DOCKING BAY



A Protocol Droid, NOTC-3PO, waits at the door to the docking bay.The door opens. Two darkly robed figures are greeted by the droid.


NOTC-3PO: I am NOTC-3PO at your service. This way please...

They move off down the hall way. Two worker droids look on but say nothing because their lines were not included in the film.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

A door opens and two cloaked shapes are led in by the droid. The droid bows and backs out of the room, trips over his feet and falls down, gets up and goes forward down the hall. The two men lower their hoods. They are Liam Neeson and Ewan MacGregor, er, Li-Gon Ginn and Ob-Ewan McNobi.
OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.
LI-GON: Don't focus on your anxieties Ob-Ewan..and you know, it's ironic that your very first line is a reminder to all the Star Wars fans out there of a line that was used often in the original Trilogy...Keep your mind here and now where it belongs.

OB-EWAN: But Master Yoga said I should be mindful of the future.

LI-GON: Is Yoga here now? Right now I'm the Master.

OB-EWAN: Whatever.

LI-GON thwacks OB-EWAN upside the head.

Whack

LI-GON: What was that?

OB-EWAN: Nothing, Master. It was nothing..but its not about the mission, it's something elsewhere, elusive. And how do you think the Viceroy will deal with the Cameo's demands?

LI-GON: The Viceroy is a coward. The negotiations will be short However I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial and uninteresting to an audience of devoted 8 year-olds as this trade dispute. Also, remember to be mindful of the living force.

OB-EWAN: Yes, yes of course. I'll try to remember that..just don't hit me.

LI-GON: I'll do what I please with my Padawan. Master's privilege to paddle his or her Padawan.

OB-EWAN: Don't remind me.

INT.FEDERATIONBATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NEWT RAYGUN and DOLT DOINGFINE stand ,stunned, before NOTC-3PO.

NEWT: Whhaat? Whhat did you say?

DOLT: Bananas!

NEWT: Not yhou!

NOTC-3PO: The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights I believe.

DOINGFINE: Hi knew it! They're here to fhorce a settlement, eh. Blind me, we're done for.

NEWT: Okay. (Pokes out DOLT's eyes)

DOLT: AAAUGH! Why did you put out my eyes?!

NEWT: Shut up! You told me to, Moron! (To NOTC-3PO) Distract them, I will contact Lord Chin.

Dolt whimpers quietly and sulks.

__________________________________________________

I have started. Have fun. I shall return to help later. -B.L.S.

Mav Edit: Locked due to rules violation

 

I posted this a few years ago: Planning for the future of the HVs Darth Bludgeon is Darth Maul.

WARNING: ROTS and AOTC spoilers possibly mentioned here!

Greetings. This is a planning thread for the Star Wars Humorous Versions, which are all on the Fanfic and Archives boards. I am trying to complete them, with help. It is a collaborative work, a round robin, or add on.

When I get some people to help we can work out our ideas here.

I have an idea that Darth Bludgeon comes back, which I already put in, and turns to the good side in ROTS HV. Actually that is a bad idea, given Darth Maul's role in the Clone Wars.
Also DARTH CHIN (PALPY) Can never get the clones to kill any Jedi during Order 71. They all survive. The final battle I hope to be a multi-author spectacular and when the whole saga is finishing with ROTJ CONT'D CONT'D I wish the characters to come out of the screen in a theatre ala' Blazing Saddles for a showdown bonnza! And SPACEBALLS, ID4, Top Gun and various other hilarious references to round it out. Plus all the surviving Jedi and the Ewoks sining the Carebears songs.

There is just so much comic potential left for the remaining scenes of the saga and ROTJ HV must be completed last. I would love to hear your ideas. We can make this happen guys, and finish the spoof saga once and for all (following the new JC policies, of course.)


Ideas, anyone?


Mav Edit: Hi! If you want to start a collaboritve work, you are more than welcome to start a thread in Resource to ask if anyone wants to do so. This section of the forums is for stories only. If you would like people to just post their own humerous versions here in this thread without discussing them, that is fine, but any discussion needs to be done in a thread in resource or via PM. Thanks!
[Edit] Thanks I'll keep that in mind. I won't discuss ideas or related anymore except in resource. Thank you so much! -Brent "study3600" Sohlden

 

Well I’ll continue. Anyone can feel free to jump in. Remember it does not have to resemble the original TPM HV that much at all. We can use totally new jokes and even some different parody names. I am going to use the ones in most cases that I am familiar with in most cases when I do this but I don’t want to do this alone. We are starting over.

Ok, so here goes….



INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM



NOTC-3PO enters with a tray of drinks.



LI-GON(takes drink): You know we’re about ten minutes in this movie and half the audience is asleep. I’m about ready to nod off myself. This is quite frankly the most boring Star Wars opener yet. Episode IV is a close second.

OB-EWAN: Master, I was always wondering, what kind of music you listened to on your Padawan earphone/braid when you were in training.



LI-GON: I often wonder the same thing about you when I see your head banging and raising your hand in the air to make the hail satan sign. I always preferred instrumental/classical.



OB-EWAN: Man you’re old fashioned.



Whack



INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE



NEWT presses a few buttons on the communicator and a hologram of DARTH CHIN, a dark figure wearing a ridiculously oversized hood, appears.

CHIN: What do you want? I’m right in the middle of…well never mind what I’m doing, what on earths are you doing contacting me at 4:00 in the morning in my time zone on my home planet?



NEWT: The Cameo has sent Jedi Ambassadors to us.



CHIN: This is an unfortunate turn of events. WE must accelerate our plans. Begin landing your troops.



NEWT: My Lord…Is that…legal?



CHIN: Well, er, no, but I figure – Never you mind!



NEWT: And the Jedi?



CHIN: The Cameo should never have brought them into this. Kill them immediately!



NEWT: Is that legal?



Whack



CHIN: Just do as I say!





INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP –DOCKING BAY



The Captain of the Republic Cruiser is playing solitaire when a big gun levels itself at the ship.



CAPTAIN: Shields!



It is too late. The ship explodes –rather loudly, waking the entire audience up.





INT. FEDERATION SHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM



LI-GON and OB-EWAN jump to their feet, brightsabres ignited.



OB-EWAN: Gas!



LI-GON: Excuse me.



Yellow gas begins to flood the room.



OB-EWAN: Dioxins.



LI-GON: This time it wasn’t me.



They both breathe deeply the remaining air and hold it.


INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP –HALLWAY



A hologram of NEWT , surrounded by TINKER DRONES, appears in the conference room hallway.



NEWT: They must be dead by now. But if they’re not dead, kill them.



The conference room door opens and deadly gas billows out. Suddenly the body of NOTC-3PO comes flying horizontally out, knocking down four tinker drones. Two sabre blades appear out of the cloud and the Jedi leap out hacking and slashing, OB-EWAN doing excessively flashy spins and kicks, showing off. After a bit, LI-GON leans against a wall and just lets his apprentice have a go at it. The last Tinker Drone left standing OB-EWAN force-pushes backward, then OB-EWAN force-pulls it to him and takes it and body slams it to the ground.



INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP – BRIDGE



Alarms are going off.



NEWT: What in blazes is going on down there?!



RUIN HACKER: What? You wore a blazer and your underwear?



NEWT: Will someone turn off these alarms?



The alarms turn off.



RUIN: Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before?



NEWT: Well no….Seal off the bridge! I want Deceptacons up here at once!



RUIN: We will not survive this.





INT. FEDERATION SHIP- HALLWAY- OUTSIDE BRIDGE



LI-GON cuts several battle droids in half. He jams his brightsabre into the bridge door, easily cutting right through it.



NEWT: Close the blast doors!



The blast doors slam shut. LI-GON makes short work of them too. He pins NEWT to the wall, saber at his throat.





Suddenly ten harmless looking TRICYCLES come down the hall. OB-EWAN laughs. Then they transform into WHEEL DROIDS with shield generators. OB-EWAN stops laughing.



OB-EWAN: Master! Deceptacons!



LI-GON: Oh, goodie.



OB-EWAN and LI-GON high-tail it out of there and escape.



INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE



NEWT and RUIN stand on the bridge watching the WHEEL DROIDS.



RUIN: WE have them on the run.



HEY NOW: Sir, they’ve gone up the ventilation shaft.



NEWT: I told them when they designed this ship not to make the ventilation shafts big enough to climb through, but did they listen, no…..







INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP –MAIN BAY





The two Jedi drop from the ventilation shaft. OB-EWAN lands on a stack of boxes and LI-GON lands on some tools.



OB-EWAN: Ouch!



LI-GON: Aaaaugh! Why oh why?!



After a while they get up and peer from behind the boxes at thousands of Tinker Drones loading onto landing craft.



OB-EWAN: It’s an invasion army.



LI-GON: We’ve got to warn the NuhBOO, and contact Cameo Valium. We’ll stow aboard separate craft and met down on the planet.



OB-EWAN: You were right about one thing Master. The negotiations were short.



LI-GON: Well, I’m always right, so….



OB-EWAN: I seem to recall 78 times where you were wrong.



Whack





INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE



HEY NOW receives a transmission.



RUIN: It’s Queen Armadillo herself.



NEWT: At last we’re getting results.



On the viewscreen, QUEEN ARMADALAALAA appears in her throne room wearing her elaborate headdress and robes, she sits surrounded by the governing council and FOUR HANDMAIDENS, DOPEY, HAPPY SLEEPY AND DOC.



NEWT: (cont’d) Again you come before us your highness. The Federation is pleased.



PICARD: Yes we are!



AMADILLY: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.



NEWT: (Nervous) How dare you accuse me of trying to kill Jedi and taking orders from a Dark Lord in a hood!



AMADALLY: Actually I was referring to the Cameo’s ambassador’s. I have word that they are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement.



NEWT: I am not aware of any Ambassadors, especially two Jedi being played by an Irishman and a Scot. You must be mistaken.



AMIDOLLY: Beware, Viceroy. The Federation has gone too far this time.



PICARD: HA!



NEWT: We would never do anything without the approval of the senate, unless we were commanded to by Lord Chin. You assume too much.



AMADALALY: We will see, for our royal optician comes tomorrow. By the way who’s Lord Ch-



NEWT hurriedly cuts the transmission off.



RUIN: She’s right, the Senate will never….



NEWT: It’s too late now.



RUIN: Do you think she suspects an attack?



NEWT: I don’t know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications ….down…there.



RUIN: Why the pauses?



NEWT: Curse these appliances! Curse the creature shop!





______________________________________________



I’ve tried to make it as different from the original as possible. Every joke I borrowed from the old one is completely from memory. It is my hope that this becomes a fun project for any fanfic writer who wants to try their hand at humour. God bless. –Brent Sohlden

 

Oops double post. I'm having editing/formatting problems and it freezes up on me.

 

I will update this periodically, one scene at a time. I want to give others a chance to post, so I’ll slow things down.- B.L.S.


INT. NUHBOO PALACE- THRONE ROOM

The QUEEN, DOPEY, DOC and her Governor, SOME BABBLER, stand before a
hologram of SENATOR PALPITATINE (Who looks very tired and irritated).

PALPITATINE (Yawns): The negotiations haven't started because the Ambassador's aren't there? How could that be true? I have assurances from the Cameo his Ambassadors did arrive (the hologram pops and fizzles) It must be the…..get….nego…large fries…

The hologram sputters and fades away.

AMADAHLI-LLAMA: Senator Palpitatine? (Turns to Captain Pancake) What’s happening?

PANCAKE: Check the transmission generators.

BABBLER: A communications disruption could only mean one thing. (Camera moves in on his face and he squints his eyes and says really loud) A Solar Flare!


PANCAKE: It could be the Federation jamming us.

AMADELILAH: Don’t jump to conclusions, Captain. The Federation would not dare go that far

PICARD: Ha-ha!

BABBLER: The Senate would revoke their trading franchise and they would be finished.

ALAMEDA:We must continue to rely on negotiation.

BABBLER: Whatever you say, President Carter. Negotiation! We’ve lost all communication! We must prepare for the end of the world. The sun is increasingly unstable.

PANCAKE (ignoring Babbler): This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers in Nutcracker outfits will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.

AL-MADONNA: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

Blaster fire can be heard in the distance and part of the ceiling of the throne room caves in.

PANCAKE (testily): I think it’s a bit late for that, Your Highness.

 

I'm doing several scenes lumped together. You'll see why.

EXT. SPACE - TWILIGHT

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet NuhBOO.

EXT. NUHBOO - SWAMP -ECLIPSE

Three landing craft (what happened to the other three?) slowly descend through the cloud cover, which mysteriously parts to let them through. One of them goes pixellated for a brief moment before becoming solid again.
OB-EWAN's head emerges from the mud of the swamp.

OB-EWAN: Gak! Pht! Phew! Blecch!

EXT. NUHBOO - EDGE OF SWAMP - GRASS PLAINS - NEW MOON

The Tinker Drone invasion force moves out of the swamp and onto a grassy plain. OOMPA-LOOMPA, in his Panzer hovertank , looks out over the vast ARMY. A small hologram of RUIN and NEWT stand on the tank.

NEWT: We have searched the ship and there is no trace of the Jedi. That is impossible. I can't think of where they could have gone. Any ideas?

OOMPA-LOOMPA: Maybe they came down here on one of our landing craft?

NEWT: That's ridiculous! They couldn't be that bold! Maybe there's some dark corner of this ship we haven't checked, or they keep eluding us. Proceed with the invasion.

OOMPA-LOOMPA: Whatever you say, sir.

EXT. NUHBOO - SWAMP -BREAKING DAWN PART 1

LI-GON runs through the strange landscape. Animals begin to run past him in a panic.

JAB-JAB: Oh no, not again! Whysa dissa always haffa happen to mesa?

LI-GON: Get out of the way you stupid piece of CGI!

One of the PANZER HOVERTANKS bears down on them like a charging locomotive.

LI-GON tackles him to the ground.

The TANK races overhead.

They stand up.

JAB-JAB hugs him.

JAB-JAB: Oh, mooie, mooie I love you!

LI-GON has an Oh, boy, what's next look on his face.

LI-GON: Are you brainless?

JAB-JAB (Nods Cutely): Uh-huh.

LI-GON: You almost got us killed!

JAB-JAB: I spek!

LI-GON: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

He smiles as he considers what he just said.

LI-GON moves off and JAB-JAB follows.

LI-GON: Get out of here!

JAB-JAB: No, no mesa stay. Mesa called Jabjab Rinkss. Mesa owes you a life debit. Tis demanded by the guds, tis.

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

JAB-JAB: Mesa yo humble comic relief! Yo humble marketing potential.

LI-GON: That won't be necessary.

Just then blaster fire can be heard from the back corner of the theatre, and OB-EWAN races onscreen, chased by two STAPLERS. LI-GON motions his apprentice to get behind him and quickly dispatches the two STAPLERS with his brightsabre.

LI-GON: Why didn't you take care of the STAPLERS with your sabre, Ob-Ewan?

OB-EWAN: I can't tell you that, Master.

LI-GON: Why not?

OB-EWAN: That scene didn't make the final cut.

JAB-JAB: You saved my again!

OB-EWAN: What's this?

LI-GON: A nonexistant character voiced by Ahmed Best. Let's get out of here!

They move off.

JAB-JAB: Exqueese me!

They keep running, Jab-Jab trying to keep up.

JAB-JAB: HEY YOUSA!

They stop running.

LI-GON(Impatiently) : Yes?

JAB-JAB: I know a safe place yous can go, but I can't take you there. GlubGlub City. Tis a hidden city. I can never go back.

LI-GON: Then why are you telling us about it?

JAB-JAB: So yousa can say funny things to scare mesa.

LI-GON: You hear that?

JAB-JAB: Ya.

LI-GON: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things coming to get medieval on you.

OB-EWAN: If you don't take us to the city, we're not going to wait for those thousand terrible things to get here.

JAB-JAB: Yousa point is...well seen. This way, follow my!

 

EXT-NUHBOO-SWAMP-EDGE OF LAKE -BREAKING DAWN-PART 2

The two Jedi and the GlubGlub come to the edge of a lake.

JAB-JAB: Wesa going under water now, okeyday?

JAB-JAB climbs onto a diving board set up at the waters edge. He gives a yell as he gracefully does a double somersault with a half twist and dives into the water. Near the lake, three JUDGES hold up three SIGNS reading 10, 9.5 and 8.

OB-EWAN and LI-GON give each other a look, then pull out their Jedi Breathers.

OB-EWAN: Holy Plot Convenience, JediMan.

LI-GON: Into the water, Boy Padawan.

Breathers on, the Jedi wade in after JAB-JAB.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have any talent for humor at all, I invite one and all to continue here from where i left off. I am looking for fresh new ideas and material. As much as the first part resembled the original somewhat, my vision is for the finished product to be nearly entirely different from the original. I wish you all a good and restful night/ or a good day depending on where you are in the world -Brent "study3600" Sohlden

 

EXT. NUHBOO LAKE - UNDERWATER

LI-GON and OB-EWAN swim behind JAB-JAB. And swim. And swim, JAB -JAB never giving a thought as to how the JEDI are able to hold their breath this long, obviously not knowing about the breathers. OB-EWAN and LI-GON's robes are floating up all in all sorts of crazy ways above them, slowing them down with significant drag, allowing JAB-JAB to get way out in front. LI-GON and OB-EWAN use force-speed to burst forward to catch up. OB-EWAN realizes he forgot to clean out his breather from the last time he used it (in the swamp) and he begins to feel sick. They go on like this, JAB-JAB happily swimming along and whistling to himself (yes somehow he can whistle underwater), for about another half hour, OB-EWAN trying to keep down bile, and trying simultaneously not to spit his breather out when up in the distance is GLUB-GLUB CITY, an art-deco city of bubbles. JAB-JAB swims through the membranous wall of an opening and the JEDI follow.

 

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/revenge-of-the-sith-humorous-version-spoilers.19980768/ Revenge of the Sith Humorous Version -incomplete

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/revenge-ot-the-sith-humorous-versioncontd.30602068/#post-30628642 ROTS HV CONT'D -incomplete

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...n-continued-continued.30628463/#post-30628518

Attack of the Clones Humorous Version CONTD CONTD -incomplete

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...version-repost-2010-humor-silliness.30643704/

TPM HV repost 2010 -incomplete, though that's my fault.

I've searched. These are the only Humorous Versions left on the Internet. All others are gone. This is one of the main reasons why they need to be redone. The originals were never finished. Hopefully a read-through of some of the originals will inspire you to help write the redos. We shouldn't copy the originals. I admit the first part of this redo I borrowed a little too heavily from the original. But no more. This needs to be almost completely new, aside from a few names that just couldn't be replaced, these redos will be the new originals. It is my hope that all six movies get the same treatment that TPM got in 1999 when either Purp or Darth Vacuous posted the Phantom Menace Humorous Version special edition-a finished product- on the now defunct Yahoo! Geocities for all the world to see. We can do this. I know it will be a lot of fun for all involved. It will take work, but nothing worthwhile is easy. We can discuss ideas and work out plot details via pm or on the planning thread in resource. I wish you all a good day/night for now. God bless.

 

Test post ignore. I think this is open. Thanks so much, mavjade, unless it was never closed. If that's the case, thanks mods and admins for not closing it!

 

INT. GLUBGLUB CITY-SQUARE

GLUBGLUBS in the square gawk when the bone-dry JEDI come through the membrane. Four GUARDS armed with taser-poles ride two-legged KABOOMS into the square. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN CARPALS, aim their tasers at the trio.
JAB-JAB: Heysa derer Captain Carpals, Mes back!

CARPALS: Noah Wylie, Jab-Jab. Yousa goin ta da Goblin Kingses. Yousa in a big pile of bantha pudu dis time.

CAPTAIN CARPALS zaps JAB-JAB with 5,000 volts of electricity and he drops to the ground. CARPALS slaps cuffs on JAB-JAB.

JAB-JAB: How wude!

 

INT. GLUB-GLUB CITY-HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM-GOBLIN KING'S JUDGMENT SEAT

BOSS NATO, THE GOBLIN KING, sits on his judges' throne, surrounded by GLUB-GLUB OFFICIALS.
LI-GON and OB-EWAN stand before him. Off to the side, JAB-JAB sulks, surrounded by GUARDS.

BOSS NATO: I know who you are, Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Only you don't have a mountain, which makes you nothing, really. You know, there's a price for your head. Just your head, nothing attached.

One of the OFFICIALS leans over and whispers into his ear.

BOSS NATO: Oops, pardon me. Yousa cannot bees here. Dis army of mackaneeks up dere is you, weesaw.

[I have to go for now, someone can complete this scene if they wish, or I can later, bye for now, -study]

 

LI-GON: A droid army is about to attack the NuhBOO. We must warn them.

BOSS NATO: Weesa don't like the NuhBOO. What have they done for us? We used to be deir slaves. Thosa were bombad days gone past. Theysa tink deir better den us. They have deir laptops and deir smartphones and deir sattelite television. Dey think deir brains as big as da Einstein. And Isa don't even know whosa dat is.

OB-EWAN: Once they take control of the surface they will take control of you.

BOSS NATO: Mesa no tink so. Dey not know of ussen!

Lion King music starts up.

OB-EWAN: You and the NuhBOO form a symbiote circle of life in a hoop that never ends. When you die your bodies become grass, and the NuhBOO eat the grass, or at least their dogs and cats and cattle do. What goes around comes around. Do unto others what you would like to have done unto you and the world will be a better place. Peace love and flowers man.

BOSS NATO: Enough of your philisophical mumbo jumbo. Wesa going to speed yous away.

LI-GON(Waving his hand): We could use a transport.

BOSS NATO: Wesa give yousa una Timbrel. The fastest way to get to da NuhBOO is going tru da planet's sore. Now, go!

LI-GON: Thank you for your time, we leave in peace (bows).

They start to leave and pass JAB-JAB, who beckons to them.

JAB-JAB: Desa settin yousa up. Goin through the planet's sore is disgusting and smelly and dangerous...sa. Any help here would be hot.

OB-EWAN: Master, we're short on time.

LI-GON: What is to become of Jab-Jab Rinks here?

BOSS NATO: Hesa to be sliced up and fed to the fishies for breaking the nocombackie rule, but so as not to upset the little kids in the audience, wesa say hesa to be...pyunished.

LI-GON: I saved his life. He owes me what you call a life debit. Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.

BOSS NATO: Rinksss, yous housa havsa nafsa lifey playee with dissen hissen nissen?

JAB-JAB(nods): Uh, huh.

BOSS NATO: Begone wit him! Good riddance....sa!

JAB-JAB is released and as the three start to walk away, OB-EWAN looks at LIGON.

OB-EWAN: Master, what's a timbrel?

LI-GON: A small hand-drum. Hopefully, they are using the name to mean some type of submarine. Let's go.

JAB-JAB: Count me outta dis one. Better dead here than deader in da sore. Oy! What mesa sayin!

 

EXT. GLUBGLUB CITY - UNDERWATER -SUB

A circular hoop with a head of parchment stretched over it and bells and jangles fixed at intervals around it bursts out of the membrane of the Glubglub City hangar bay, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.

 

If anyone is reading this and likes it, please speak up. I'd love to hear from you, it would be very encouraging. If anyone has a talent for humorous writing, or would like to try their hand at it, feel free to contribute to this story.

 

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/esb-humorous-version-spoilers.203134/page-24#post-1697891

Found another Humorous Version I thought was gone forever. :The Empire Strikes Back.


http://boards.theforce.net/threads/star-wars-the-clown-wars-spoilers-humorous-version.30706356/

Here's another.

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/vector-prime-humorous-version-spoilers.186288/

Vector Prime HV

 

Another reason we need to redo these: The TESB HV has no ending. Nor does the ROTJ, AOTC or ROTS HV.

 

Wow. I remember working on the ROTS HV...ten years ago...

 

Note: I tried to make this as original as possible, and the scene is not complete. Have at it.

INT. TIMBREL COCKPIT-UNDERWATER

OB-EWAN is in the co-pilot seat, JAB-JAB guides the craft.

JAB-JAB: Dis is nutsen!

OB-EWAN: Master, why do we keep dragging these pathetic lifeforms along with us?...Here, take over.

Whack

LI-GON: He's a humanoid, with intelligence, just like you. He's not a pathetic lifeform.

JAB-JAB: Hey, where wesa goin?

OB-EWAN (nastily): Why don't you tell us? You're the navigator.

Whack

LI-GON: The Force will guide us.

JAB-JAB: Ooo maxi big da force! Well dat smells stinkowiff!

Whack

OB-EWAN: Don't insult the Force you sniveling-

Whack

LI-GON: Don't strike our navigator. My apologies, Jab-Jab.

OB-EWAN: Some navigator! He got us lost!

Whack

OB-EWAN grumbles.

Whack

LI-GON: Don't grumble. I don't like grumblers.

OB-EWAN (Sighs): So why were you banished Jab-Jab?

JAB-JAB: Mm. because I'm....clumsy. I boomed the gasser, then I crashed into the Goblin King's hay-blibber. Long story short.

OB-EWAN: Run that by me again? You were banished for what?

JAB-JAB: Booming the gasser and crashing into the King's hay-blibber.

OB-EWAN: Oh, never mind.

As the sub sloshes its way through the sore, a large fish starts to follow them.

 

I remember you fistofthedarklord! Nice to see a familiar face!

 

"Well, I think the reason those threads failed is because people wanted to do the movies in order instead of all at once. (that was my reasoning, at least) There's absolutely nothing wrong with starting one of the other movies, it just may not get much attention. At least, I don't think it will. But hey, what do I know? Knock yourself out." -Purp in one of the Return of the Jedi Humerous Version threads.

I think I need to open up the possibility of doing more than one Humorous Version at a time, to take Purp's advice. Up top I will edit my first post to say that anyone can start Episode II or Episode IV Humorous Version right now. I think Purp was right.

[Edit- Oops I misread Purp's words. He said people wanted to do them in order, not people didn't want to do them in order. Then he said if we do them out of order people are not likely to pay much attention to them....I am going to go back to the OP and change it again. My mistake. -B.L.S.]

 

Suddenly there is a loud CRASH, and the little drum lurches to one side, jangling and ringing its bells fiercely. LI-GON looks around and sees a huge, luminous OPERA ANGLERFISH has hooked them with its long gooey tongue.

LI-GON: Blast the fishies! Full speed ahead!

Instead of full ahead, JAB-JAB turns the craft upside down and reverses it, then the sub flies into the mouth of the creature. OB-EWAN then angrily wrests the controls from JAB-JAB and the TIMBREL is released, and turned right-side up.

JAB-JAB: Wesa free!

OB-EWAN: No thanks to you!

Whack

As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws munching on the OPERA ANGLERFISH. The jaws belong to the incredible SANDY LEVIATHAN. The lights on the TIMBREL begin to flicker on and off in Morse code and the Bells and jangles start playing Jingle Bells as they sludge deper and deeper into the SORE.

LI-GON: You know I could think of a pretty brilliant one-liner to use here but...nah, forget it.

 

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP –BRIDGE

NEWT and RUIN stand before a hologram of DARTH CHIN.

NEWT: The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.

CHIN: That’s good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. They will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.

Suddenly there is a shrill ring. CHIN takes out his cell phone.

CHIN (into phone): Yes, Lord Small, I’m a tad busy talking to my hapeless dupes right now. (Pause) Really? Well that’s interesting. (Laughs) Well doesn’t that beat all? Well I have to go, I have pressing business. (Pause) Yes, you too. (Pause) Ok. Bye.

Hangs up, puts phone away.

CHIN (cont’d): That was…an underling. Continue with your report.

NEWT: The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.

CHIN: Queen Imadoll is –

Cell phone rings again. Chin answers it.

CHIN (into phone): Yes, Cameo Valium, uh, I believe the Ambassadors you sent have just about completed their mission. I’ll give you a full report tomorrow. Bye!

He hangs up and puts the phone away. NEWT and RUIN give each other quizzical looks.

CHIN (Cont’d): -young and naïve. You will find-

Cell phone rings again. Chin angrily answers.

CHIN: WHAT DO YOU WANT LORD SMALL?! ….. Oh…..Ooohhh..sorry about that. Yes I’ll take care of that as soon as possible….. Yes I will do that too. Ok. Bye.

He hangs up, puts phone in robe.

CHIN (Con’t): - controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well.

NEWT: Uh…thank you, My Lord.

DARTH CHIN fades away.

RUIN: You didn’t tell him about the missing Jedi.

NEWT: What are you, nuts? Let’s wait til we have something to report.

 

I have decided to try to make these HV's , although different from the originals, consistent with ROTS HV and ROTS HV Cont'd so a couple few things will be the same, everything else different. That way we can keep the original ROTS HV, which I am currently working on, is open to replies, was started in 2005, and I still need plenty of help on. Also we can keep the ESB HV, just redo ANH HV and we can keep ROTJ HV, just finish it. Also we need to tack an ending onto ESB HV. So this project will not take as much time as I originally thought it would, but it will still take a considerable amount of time and effort, and I cannot do it on my own. We will have to redo AOTC HV also up to the point where AOTC HV Cont'd Cont'd is, and then tack on an ending to it, because the ending is almost finished. I will see if I can edit Darth Bludgeon's appearance in AOTC HV Cont'd Cont'd's name to Darth Small, as I am the author of the post with him in it. I must be horrible with grammar because the last four lines I have typed are underlined in red squiggly lines. Oh, well.

 

Well on AOTC HV Continued Continued I had ended up breaking the post with Lord Small in it into several posts, but I had tried in 2010 to change my username study3600 into my RL name Brent Sohlden but they later changed it back to study3600, except for some of my posts which are still Brent Sohlden, and those I cannot edit as study3600. So the first post says Darth Small and the rest say Darth Bludgeon which can be fixed later if someone ever compiles these. Or if Darth Vac or Purp compiles them Purp or Vac can turn it all back to Darth Bludgeon if they want, I don't mind. They probably even have a hardcopy of the original TPM Humorous version. They haven't showed up on the boards since 2005, but I hope and pray they poke their heads in again soon. I would be grateful for their return.