Before - Legends The Star Wars Prequels rewritten: The Phantom Menace

I wrote a fan fiction re-imagining of the Star Wars prequels.. Its done scene synopsis form so I'm looking more for feedback on how the story flows and if its more or less interesting compared to the original. For fuller idea of why things go the way they do check the full article in the link http://madconceptz.blogspot.com/2014/07/if-star-wars-prequels-were-done.html




story by : Nic Rellek
poster art: Gabriel Victor
titles: Neil Bonner



YAIRN - WE PAN DOWN FROM THE OPENING CRAWL AND FOLLOW A BEAT UP CARGO TRANSPORTER AS IT DESCENDS INTO THE PLANET'S ATMOSPHERE. The crew of five, including a tall blonde lanky seventeen year old young man, are joking among themselves about his chances of passing his machinist apprenticeship test. Something he's failed to do earlier even though his father passed the test on the first try and younger than the kid is. They talk reverently about his father who is a high ranking member of the Guild that controls the ore mining and processing business in the sector and contrast it with how the son is not like his father. Though he forces a smile, the kid doesn't find the teasing funny. The vessel docks and as they are unloading its cargo, a supervisor tells the kid that his father and the Guild leaders took a vote to reject the Separatists offer to join them in leaving the Republic. The teen's reply is almost indifferent to the galactic schism although he believes that a show of strength by the Senate would be a better response than endless debates and empty threats. They are almost done unloading the cargo when they hear a loud explosion in the distance and see a large plume of smoke rising from the buildings in the next town. The kid reacts instantly and jumps onto a parked speeder bike and heads for the town.



Its mayhem as people are running and screaming from a large ore processing plant that's half destroyed (think 911). Arriving to the scene, the young man jumps off the bike and runs against the fleeing crowd to ground zero. Searching through the smoking wreckage he screams "Ma! Pa!" A trembling hand reaches out from under a pile of rubble and he frantically digs out the bloodied body of his mother. She weakly says his name.."Anny"..then says his father was killed in the explosion. She says she and his father love him and then she dies in his arms. He screams in anguish. WIPE TO...

QUI-GON JINN AND OBI-WAN KENOBI ARRIVE TO INVESTIGATE THE TERRORIST ATTACK. They suspect its by the Separatists and while questioning people, they run into that young man who introduces himself as Anakin Skywalker. He says that his father was a leader of the guild that was being harassed about joining the Separatists movement. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sense a strong force vibe from him. Anakin asks what it takes to become a Jedi so that he can prevent attacks like the one that took his parents and after some back and forth they agree to take him to the Jedi Temple for testing and training. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan continue their investigation and discover light saber burns on a murdered security team. Only a Jedi can handle that kind of weapon so expertly but no Jedi would do this. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are puzzled by this development. WIPE TO...

CORUSCANT - ANAKIN AT THE JEDI TEMPLE. When they arrive at the Temple, Anakin is super eager to get started and goes straight to the top and asks Grand Master Yoda himself to teach him the ways of the Jedi Knights and the Jedi elder tells him ready he is not. Yoda and Jedi Council speak with Qui-Gon in private and they confer. Qui-Gon reports that the attack on Yairn was the terroristic act of the Separatists trying to force the planet to cower to their side. Mace Windu and Yoda say they will speak with Chancellor Palpatine about the that and they move the discussion to the subject of young Skywalker. Things pretty much go the same way they did in the original where Yoda senses fear, anger and frustration in the young man plus he's too old but Qui-Gon says he has great potential and if properly trained could be a great asset to the Jedi Order. There is no "chosen one" legend. Qui-Gon says that Obi-Wan is ready for the trials and he'll take on Anakin as his Padawan. The Council reluctantly agrees and young Anakin starts his training...from the beginning.

During his training at the most basic levels of the Jedi Academy, we see Anakin grouped with younglings and feeling silly about it considering they're a bunch of eight, nine and ten year olds and he's seventeen and because of that he fails at simple Force control tasks that they competently handle. This causes frustration to grow in him. That is until Master Jedi Sifo Dyas sits Anakin down and explains to him how to let the Force flow through the young man. Dyas works with him after training sessions and gives Skywalker some real food for thought in understanding the Force and how to control himself enough to let the power work through himself. Soon after Anakin masters the basics and is moved up to higher levels in the academy.



Under the tutelage of Master Kahlin Wayk, the Padawan Learner learns light saber techniques and how to combine various defenses and attacks with Force powers. It is here that Anakin is like a fish taking to water and he excels very rapidly. His desire to learn the mystic arts is unquenchable and soon Skywalker develops an almost encyclopedic knowledge of applied Force methodology and tactics.

Being a Force Sensitive, Anakin has always had visions but the images were fleeting and he didn't interpret that they were actual premonitions but rather some recurring dream like nonsense. As he grows in the Force and is able to control his abilities the visions become more distinct to him. There's a scene where he is sitting on the floor in the lotus position and meditating and seeing flashes of a pretty girl smiling/hearing a voice scream ANAKIN NO!/someone falling into an abyss/a demon attacking him. The clearer the visions become the more troubled he feels and seeking some incite he speaks with Qui-Gon about them. The Jedi Master gives Anakin cryptic responses about guarding against the Dark Side of the Force and destiny, answers that don't calm his anxiety.

In a duel demonstration with another Padawan, Anakin, riding a high of over confidence and arrogance, makes mental mistakes and is almost bested by his opponent which inwardly frustrates Skywalker who narrowly wins. After the session and still mulling over his self-perceived poor performance, Anakin goes to his room and trashes it in an emotional outburst. Obi-Wan, nearby, speaks with the boy and talks him down from his down from his ire. Its in those moments that Anakin and Obi-Wan's bond a close friendship .

Over this period and through the dialog its indicated that Anakin's been training only half the time it normally takes and its clear that he is gifted, more so than every other Padawan there. Most of the elder Jedi are impressed with his progress but some are concerned about his control over his emotions. WIPE TO...

NABOO - PRINCESS PADME WALKING IN A MALL AREA. Padme and her handmaiden Korin are in a mall area talking about the Trade Federation issue. From what they're talking about its early in the blockade and while people are concerned there's still enough supplies but Padme hopes the issue will be resolved quickly. In my version Padme Amidala is not a queen, her mother is and Naboo doesn't have an elected monarchy but a hereditary one. The Naboo monarchy is like England's, theyre basically figure heads with the real power lying with a Prime Minister and the royal family is just the cheerleading face of the planet, so the Queen and the Princess are more humanitarians than anything with Padme taking on the Princess Diana/Kate Middleton role. Padme is head strong and opinionated with a quick wit. The kind of princess that would sneak out of a formal event to smoke and drink with the help or sneak away from her security detail to take in the sights on her own with her handmaiden/confidant Korin. Some of the comic relief humor would derive from her in this film. And sneaking away from her security detail is exactly what she's done here until they catch up to her and she has that "oops you found me look" on her face. WIPE TO...

CORUSCANT - MEMBERS OF THE JEDI COUNCIL ARE HOLOGRAMMING WITH CHANCELLOR PALPATINE. Mace Windu informs the Chancellor of a step up in attacks, and encroachments by the Separatists in Republic territories and Yoda also mentions the issue between Naboo and the Trade Federation is getting more intense. Palpatine says he'll bring the findings to the senate and they will most likely authorize the formation of a formal military force. Mace Windu tells the Chancellor that the Jedi Order is stretched thin trying to maintain the peace so far but the Senate needs to seek compromise and peaceful alternatives to military action considering the galactic wars and conflicts of the past. He says that the Jedi Order are a peace keeping force and they cannot agree with the senate's decision for a full scale military answer to the issue. Palpatine takes it under advisement. WIPE TO...



NABOO - PADME APPROACHING A ROOM IN THE MANSION. She spies on her mother talking with the Prime Minister and over hears them talking about the mining rights dispute they're having with the Trade Federation who have formed a blockade around Naboo in order to force them to give up their claim. And they fear they may have to if they can't get aid from the Senate. If there is no intervention by the Senate, The Queen and the PM talk about the alliance they will have to make with another planet that may push the Trade Federation back and break the blockade. After the meeting is over, Padme talks with her mother who explains that its she and Padme's responsibility to comfort and reassure the people that everything is going to be alright and do everything they can to protect Naboo. Padme tells her mother that she is up for the task. WIPE TO...

CORUSCANT - PALPATINE'S PRIVATE OFFICE - Count Dooku is on hologram to Palpatine. They discuss their plan to take over the Galactic Republic and the Trade Federation/Naboo dispute is the first step to systematically draw out and destroy the Jedi Order and restore the Sith to their rightful place in the galaxy. He also states that the Trade Federation Viceroy's spies have heard of Naboo's plan to ally themselves with planet Ziaa and if that happens the Trade Federation will have to back off. Palpatine says he'll send his agent to deal with it then Darth Maul pops up after Dooku drops out and the Chancellor/Sith orders him to go to the Naboo and make sure the deal gets done. WIPE TO...

ANAKIN IS EXCELLING AT THE JEDI TEMPLE BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS. He has completed his Jedi Initiate Trials and Qui Gon takes him on as his Padawan. They get the first assignment, a personal request from the Chancellor, to go to Naboo . Since Obi-Wan has passed the High Council for the Trials of Knighthood (he's a full fledged Jedi Knight) and hadn't taken on a Padawan yet, he offers to tag along. WIPE TO...

NABOO - QUI-GON, OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN ARRIVING TO NABOO. On the way there Qui-Gon explains the dispute over mining rights between the two sides and with Naboo being pacifistic and not having an offensive military force, the Jedi are being called in to make sure the Trade Federation plays fair. They get there a day before the scheduled negotiations and Qui-Gon introduces the team to Queen Amidala and her daughter. The young Padawan gets a strong sense of deja vu upon seeing the princess. The elder Jedi assigns Obi Wan and Anakin to head up security of the royal family while he heads up security of the contingent of diplomats who are to meet with the Trade Federation Viceroy.

Obi Wan, in charge here, assigns Anakin to be Princess Padme's personal bodyguard. Which pisses off Anakin because this is a babysitting job and he wants to get into the ****. Even during training Anakin showed an over eagerness and ambition that makes Obi Wan concerned. The Princess doesn't like the arrogant Jedi apprentice and the two have this Bogie and Bacall type back and forth, matching wit for wit. Anakin, being really good at what he does, doesn't fall for the duck outs that Padme liked to do with her old security and cuts her off at every turn. Padme while overtly frustrated by this is also impressed with it as well.

At one point Padme is approached by a crowd of her subjects who are scared about the blockade and the growing scarcity of supplies. Dropping any facade of haughtiness, she talks to them from the heart and reassures them that they are going to be fine and the administration is doing all it can to resolve the situation. Anakin witnesses her really connecting with the common folk and he realizes she's not a total spoiled bitch. A couple of times we see one looking at the other when they're not looking and Anakin begins to realize this is the girl from his dreams. WIPE TO...

QUI GON AND THE DIPLOMATS MEETING THE VICEROY. Its the day of and Qui-Gon and the diplomats meet with the Viceroy and his men. The talks break down quickly and its apparent that its a set up and the Jedi and diplomats have to fight their way out. During the skirmish Qui-Gon calls Obi Wan for assistance and Kenobi puts Skywalker in charge of security and jets to help his former master. This is where we fully see Darth Maul for the first time. There's a vicious clash between the Jedi and the Sith and just as Obi Wan arrives Maul kills Qui-Gon and escapes. Dying from his wounds the old master tells Obi Wan to continue to train Anakin then passes away. CUT TO...



A DROID INFILTRATION SQUAD SENT TO ASSASSINATE THE ROYAL FAMILY. Its a coordinated attack by the Viceroy and here Anakin comes into his own. He directs the Naboo security team in fighting back while single-handedly destroying most of the battle droids himself using various weapons displaying his resourcefulness and combat skill. Everyone is super impressed, especially Padme, with the show of heroics. WIPE TO...

CORUSCANT - THE FUNERAL OF QUI-GON JINN. Obi Wan, Yoda and Mace Windu talk about the Sith threat and what it means. WIPE TO...



NABOO - THE AWARD CEREMONY. The Queen gives Obi-Wan and Anakin medals for their bravery. Padme and Anakin lock eyes in a moment of attraction and he turns and waves to the crowd drinking in the adulation. Obi Wan looks a bit disturbed at Anakin enjoying the attention a little too much. The proud Padawan takes a step forward and pumps his fist in the air, reveling in the cheers. STAR WARS THEME FANFARE, ROLL CREDITS.

 

oops forgot add...click the link for the opening crawl..

 

any feed back would be appreciated...

 

Well, your idea certainly doesn't look bad. There are some original takes and directions I haven't seen in any other prequel rewrites, like Anakin losing his parents in a bombing and his training taking inspiration from old kung fu movies. Also, the character interactions seem pretty legit and hearken back to the OT. The drawings are also awesome. I hope you make a comic or story about this. I can't wait to see more.

But I think it'd be easier if you post it on this site: http://originaltrilogy.com/forum/forum.cfm/Script-Writing-and-Re-writing/forum/21/. They usually do prequel rewrites. You'd get a lot more feedback there.

 

thank you very much for the post ..and I will check that out. I'm almost done with second story and will post soon

 

You're welcome.

 

I gave more detail and extended the training period to illustrate the length of his time at the academy.

 

Phantom with pics..

 

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