Saga "THE STARR WORS" - (from the Beautiful Mind of a retarded squirrel)

In other words, to make a short story long, the guy got there fast.



but would have to file its complaints directly to The Force and shouldn?t expect an answer until all higher priority complaints are looked at, discussed, refiled, copied for later use, and acted upon.

I just can't help but wonder which Jedi is stuck manning the complaint desk? I know that has nothing to do with anything, but it just sounds like a good plot bunny.

I mean, what were the chances of this?

Apparently very good.

?Well, fudge-monkies.? He kicked the dirt, ?Now I?ll never know what it was I wasn?t supposed to do.?

fudge-monkies. That'll be in my head all day.

Another hilarious update. Oh, and I'd love PMs when you update. So you just throw my name on that there list.

 

Keeping his backward-syntax consistant had always been a difficult issue for the aggressively old master of oldness.



?Ignorance, you play! Know do you, know I?!? he stumbled on the last sentence, not absolutely certain if it made any logical sense.



The reason it didn?t help was because he?d waved his arms about. And, at the end of his arms, as we all know - hands. And, at the end of one hand, was a lightsaber-fitted gas-electric cherry-red Stihl MS250 chainsaw ? active. Conversely, as of a few seconds ago, at the end of Yoda?s neck ? nothing at all.

Maybe it shouldn't be funny. But it is.

?Well, fudge-monkies.? He kicked the dirt, ?Now I?ll never know what it was I wasn?t supposed to do.?

Not knowing is the worst part.

Great update.

 

The reason it didn?t help was because he?d waved his arms about. And, at the end of his arms, as we all know - hands. And, at the end of one hand, was a lightsaber-fitted gas-electric cherry-red Stihl MS250 chainsaw ? active. Conversely, as of a few seconds ago, at the end of Yoda?s neck ? nothing at all.


I can so see that happening. And of course, Luke is not worried, he's sulking.

 

EEK! Now I have People Are Strange to the tune of Yellow Submarine stuck in my head. Argh!!!!!!!
I love the chainsaw references--totally threw off my Dagobah vibe and replaced it with an Army of Darkness one--groovy.

The ending was brilliant!
The reason it didn?t help was because he?d waved his arms about. And, at the end of his arms, as we all know - hands. And, at the end of one hand, was a lightsaber-fitted gas-electric cherry-red Stihl MS250 chainsaw ? active. Conversely, as of a few seconds ago, at the end of Yoda?s neck ? nothing at all.

And here Luke was concerned about grass this whole time. Had he known that the greatest power of good the universe had ever bottled up into something the size and shape of a lawn gnome had lost his depth perception not two years ago, Luke might have been more careful. I mean, what were the chances of this?



Fantastic stuff!

Once more I've laughed my ass off.

 

Anyway, sure enough, when Yoda reached the clearing, there was Luke exactly where he wasn?t supposed to be, doing exactly what he wasn?t supposed to be doing.
?Now,? the Old One began, ?What said about this, did I? Hm??

Luke cowered a fraction as he stared down at the diminuative-master-of-all-that-was-awesome-and-righteous. Yoda tapped his foot impatiently. Unbeknownst to anyone else, he was actually tapping to the beat of ?Yellow Submarine? by The Beatles. Yoda hoped nobody recognized it, or he was out of luck ? for some frustrating reason, he kept replacing the song?s lyrics with those from?People Are Strange? by The Doors. And if Luke was insightful enough to ask what the song was, there would be embarassment all around. Lukily, the blonde-maned warrior student had a mind too full of space ships and imaginary epic battles to catch on.

He took a shot at his master?s question, ?No using my lightsaber as a chainsaw??

LOL! Leave it to Luke

And I have to agree with most everyone else about this last line:
?Well, fudge-monkies.? He kicked the dirt, ?Now I?ll never know what it was I wasn?t supposed to do.?

Too funny! I can definately see him saying that.

 

Bale: Thanks! It's true, the phrase is just inherently funny.

palpyisgod: Alright, I'm goin I'm goin!

Wingstar: he just doesn't understand morbid humor. <-- Yeah I find the same thing is true with most nine year olds. Every time one comes up to me in a crowded mall, asking if I've seen their parents, and I pull the old 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but your mommy and daddy are dead.' They NEVER get that it's a joke. Annoying.



Lola: Glad you liked it! You're on the official list, kiddo

Ennth: Maybe it shouldn't be funny. But it is. <- Well it WASN'T supposed to be funny. This makes you a terrible, terrible person, Ennth. And me an utter failure. Yet, even for all that, I won't stop writing and you won't stop reading.
The support group will meet on tuesdays and thursdays.

Lanna: Yeah I could never imagine Luke being bright enough to catch on that he killed someone, if he ever did. So writing that just came natural.

Oqi: Once more I've laughed my ass off.
Alright that's the last time. This is getting ridiculous. From now on, everyone leaves their ass at the entrance. I'll have no more laughed-off-ass incidents, my cleaning crew is starting to protest. Next time I update, there will be a deposit box where you can stash your ass until you finish reading. It will remain lock for the duration, but understand that I won't be responsible for lost or stolen asses. And it will be your responsibility to identify which ass is your's when you pick it back up. But nobody will be allow in still in possession of their ass, and anybody caught smuggling one in - even for a friend - will be promptly kicked out, ass in hand.
I hope I've made myself clear.


dancing star: What I like is that this meant Yoda actually had to specify at one point that turning a lightsaber into a chainsaw is a no-no, which means he probably tried it at some point out of boredom.


I get the feeling that if I turned the phrase "Well, fudge-monkies" into a catchphrase, nobody would mind that much.



See ya in a handfull of days then

 

I love Dagobah's poor grumblings, and Luke's adolescent dorktitude. Your description of Yoda as the paragon of good with no depth perception was hilarious.



This is so much fun to read after a stressful day at work, you know? Thanks bunches--loved it as always.

 

Luna: Yep, that's this story - it goes postal so you don't have to!

---

[i]Rec Area, Vader's Capital Ship, Primary Hyperspace route to Hoth, rush hour, stop-and-go to the Hydian Way interchange until midday, expect construction delays on the southbound side later this afternoon....[/i]




?Yes. Yeees, I feel it as well.? The Dark Lord intoned, ?Very good. You shall be captain before the day is through. What is your name??

The Stormtrooper gulped at that prospect. Higher-ups had this tendancy to keel over much faster than grunts, it seemed. Still, it was such a great honor to hear it from Lord Vader himself. He cleared his throat, ?Godley D. Verdard, Sirrrr-Uh-rrrrrrord.?

Both he and the Black Knight of Hate and Vindication stood in one of the [Tax] [i]Executor?s[/i] many rooms. In front of them was a view screen showing a deep-green planet. On either end of this green orb stood mamoth towers, topped with titanic satallites, each capable of launching high-speed orbiting missiles with ease.

On the left was the data menu, updating in real time. It allowed them to see changes in power as they happened. Currently, it read: VaderGuy04 ? 845pts. StormieDude2030 ? 1014pts.

?Okay, now what was it you wanted to tell me?? queried the machine-man after the game-over screen quit flashing.

?Oh, yeah. I found the planet your target was hiding on. Me and the guys were playing the Empire Drinking Game and I found it by accident.?

?The Emp?what??

?The Empire Drinking Game. You know, you set up a big flat map of the galaxy and start tossing darts. If it lands on an Empire-controlled planet, you drink once. If it lands on a Hutt-controlled planet, you drink twice. A neutral planet, the thrower drinks. And if it lands on a Rebel planet, everyone BUT the thower drinks. Everyone plays it. Even the droids.?

?Never heard of it. I trust these games stay within the limits of Imperial protocol?Captain??

The Trooper of Timidity and Identity Crises stammered, ?Uh?of course, si-LORD!?

More breathing from Vader?s end. Always, there was breathing. The Dark Lord of Darkness went on, ?Go on.?

?So, I landed my vibrodart on this little planet and nobody knew what its allegence was. Nobody wanted to stop the game so I left to look it up while they kept playing. Which sucked by the way, because the trash monster?s such a cheater, and he always-?

?Trash monster??

?Yeah. You know, the one that?lives in the trash. The one you had transferred off the Death Star days before it exploded??

?He knows about the Empire Drinking Game too??

?Duh. So anyway, I went to look up the planet?s allegence, and that?s when I found out??

?Found out what??

??that the planet was the home of a Jedi Master. You know, from the old days. Not only that, but it was being visited by the guy you were looking for.?

?You found this out through what sort of spy network??

?Like I said, I looked it up in our files. They?re kept up to date, y?know.?

Vader was incredulous, ?Who exactly is writing this stuff down!? Why was I not notified?? He had both his hands up, like he was about to choke everyone in the game room at once.

?Please! Sssslord! The Imperial Information gatherers never inform anyone about their finds. Our Great Emperor deemed it illegal under the ?Things That are Boring to Listen To? act!?

?Oh.? The Breather thought for a second, turning this over in his dubiously organic brain, ? Set a course for this?what was it??

?Degoba, Sord?Lord.?

?Degoba.?

?I?ll let the engine room know?Lord.?

?To DEGOBA!?

?Right, to Degoba.? He mumbled, then turned on his heels and ran off.

 

More great work, Yod.

"The Empire Drinking Game. You know, you set up a big flat map of the galaxy and start tossing darts. If it lands on an Empire-controlled planet, you drink once. If it lands on a Hutt-controlled planet, you drink twice. A neutral planet, the thrower drinks. And if it lands on a Rebel planet,,everyone BUT the thower drinks. Everyone plays it. Even the droids."

HAHA! I played that once. It wasn't pretty. By the end of the night I was drinking some strange blue liquid usually used to sterilize combs in a barber shop Ahh...college...

 

The Empire Drining gaame. Now I know what to do on the next ff meeting.
And even the trash monster knows about it.
Vader probably never gets invited because he can't drink.

?Like I said, I looked it up in our files. They?re kept up to date, y?know.?

Vader was incredulous, ?Who exactly is writing this stuff down!? Why was I not notified?? He had both his hands up, like he was about to choke everyone in the game room at once.

?Please! Sssslord! The Imperial Information gatherers never inform anyone about their finds. Our Great Emperor deemed it illegal under the ?Things That are Boring to Listen To? act!?


Loved it!

 

LOL! That was funny stuff as usual. I thought it was hilarious you included the trash monster.

Thanks for the pm. If you don't mind, please keep me on the list.

Looking forward to more!

 

Empire Drinking Game

Love that game.

??that the planet was the home of a Jedi Master. You know, from the old days. Not only that, but it was being visited by the guy you were looking for.?

?You found this out through what sort of spy network??

?Like I said, I looked it up in our files. They?re kept up to date, y?know.?

Vader was incredulous, ?Who exactly is writing this stuff down!?



If I can stop laughing I'll tell you what a great update that was.

 

The trash monster's a cheater!

â??The Empire Drinking Game. You know, you set up a big flat map of the galaxy and start tossing darts. If it lands on an Empire-controlled planet, you drink once. If it lands on a Hutt-controlled planet, you drink twice. A neutral planet, the thrower drinks. And if it lands on a Rebel planet, everyone BUT the thower drinks. Everyone plays it. Even the droids.â??

Brilliant!!!


This story is undoubtedly the funniest thing we've got on the Saga Board!

 

Again, this was hilarious. Thank you for the PM [face_smile]

I think the trash monster's name is Oscar.

<.<
>.>

 

That has to be the best way for The Bad Guys to find out about Dagobah I've ever heard of. Part of a drinking game. Oh, that was fantastic as always, Yod. Much --just adored it.

 

I'd like to preamble this with an announcement:

I'm
NOW INTRODUCING MY 1000th POST CELEBRATION SPECTACULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*echo effect*

YES THAT'S RIGHT. AND IN THE SPIRIT OF THE DAY, I'LL BE RESPONDING TO ALL R&Rs AS OVERZEALOUSLY AS POSSIBLE!!!!!i!!111oneoneoneeleveneleventwelve

WOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa~~~~ *pops vein in eye*

on with the show.
response.
thing.

AS PART OF THE FESTIVATION, I'M GOING TO EDIT A FREE DRINK INTO EVERYONE'S POST!!!
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!!

YES! EXACTLY! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!!

Oh, I drank that once!
..explains a lot, doesn't it?

Actually, he's constantly being given invitations. But he CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING, Because he REFUSES to wear transparent lenses, so he NEVER NOTICED.

I KNOW! How CRAZY WHAT THAT???!!??? Hahaha!!!!HA!
Also: YOU. HAVE. BEEN. LISTI FIED Wooah!

EVERYONE loves that game. Except Vader, but ONLY because he hasn't played it yet.
Soon...sooooooooon, he shall too.
And THEN we will have the galaxy.

THE TRIPLETS! GLAD YOU COULD BRING THEM ALONG!!! THEY LAUGH SO EASILY!

...on a serious note, I hope you get over your laughing affliction soon, so that you can resume a normal life. Flowers and a card are in the mail.
I send my sincerest appologies.

i SO AM!! SO ARE YOU!! SO IS EVERYONE!!!!
I'M HAPPY YOU LOOKED AT THIS AND THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
(i think you're funny looking too)

The trash monster's GOT YOUR NOSE.

HEY! ST

 

Hey! You're no longer allowed to post new material without out at least dropping me a PM!

It's a good thing for me I have a non-existent Irish-ass, therefore have nothing to laugh off, Yodimus!

And dysfunctional tear ducts.



First my co-workers thought I went insane with "Planet Hopping", now my wife seems to think baseball isn't half as funny as I'm making it out to be...

I really could quote this whole thing.

Literally.

Could you add me to "The List"?

fudge monkies...


EDIT: You have poven Kevin Smith's theory that Han Solo is indeed a "pimp".

And I'll have a Southern Comfort, straight up.

 

?Please! Sssslord! The Imperial Information gatherers never inform anyone about their finds. Our Great Emperor deemed it illegal under the ?Things That are Boring to Listen To? act!?

Makes perfect sense! I think.

 

Don't I know it!
(...because I'm Irish. Not...not because I've seen your ass.)

This brings up the image of you reading this story and crying blood, like that guy in Casino Royale.

I have no doubt you could. And while I would be flattered, I hope you don't because I'm pretty sure quoting an entire story on the boards would break the internet.

You've been listified!

---

[hl=black][color=orangered]BEHIND THE SCENES [b]SPECIAL SNEAK PEAK[/b][/color][/hl]
When I say "you've been listified," what it means is that I've taken down a yellow Post-it® note from the side of my computer monitor and penciled you onto an actual, physical list. And now you know.
*star spreads a rainbow behind me with, "The more you know," written on it*
[hr]

Okay, on with this charade.
[hr][hr]

?Aren?t?? gasp, ?Jedi Master?s?? gasp, ?supposed to disappear when?they die?? Luke felt like he was going to faint. On his back was the wrapped up carcass of his late great master?s body. Under his right arm was his late great master?s wrapped up head. Following him on his left side was the transparent form of said late great master, looking very much annoyed, but at least spiritually in one piece.

?Slight miscalculation in the spell, there was,? the spirit responded. He glared at the blonde haired bumbler, ?Did not account for accidental beheading, did I!? post-Yoda let out a ghostly ?hrmph!?, ?With my own chainsaw, no less! Much worse, this could not get. I have failed, I feel.?

The failure?s sandy haired charge rolled his eyes, but kept it to himself.

His thoughts. Kept his [i]thoughts[/i] to himself. You can?t keep your eyes to yourself. Stop thinking that. Stop it. Stop laughing, it?s not funny.

STOP LAUGHING AT ME.

*cough*

When Yoda proclaimed this, Luke couldn?t believe his very public ears, which also could not be hidden from view without a hat or long hair, but most definitely not by keeping them to himself, which is an expression that only applies to thoughts, and certainly not body parts. Got it? *glare*

Luke didn?t understand why the great green grand Lord of all that was good and holy on this living plane had taken such a negative view of him. It wasn?t like the young man [i]wanted[/i] to be here. It was a freaking swamp. It was a planet full of swamp. Who would [i]want[/i] to be here? They would have to be senile.

Luke thought about that a second. It explained a lot.

??and furthermore?? he heard, catching a snippet of the wee ghostie?s rant, before fading back into Luke Land.

One thing that bothered him was, if Dead Ben guided him here, where was the guy? It made no sense. The passed away mentor goes to all that trouble to point Luke to this stupid, unmarked, unlicensed planet (it was still waiting for its ?Celestial Body Permit? before it could apply for a license. Complicated stuff. Long story for another time), and that was it? Then poof! He disappears? What was the deal with that? What?s the point of saving someone from certain death in a raging blizzard if you?re not going to show up later on in the story?

Suddenly, Ben?s voice invaded his thoughts, ?Oh, I was there, young Luke.?

[i]Ben![/i] young Luke responded in his mind, much the way delusional schizophrenics do it, [i]There you are![/i]

?I?ve been here the whole time.?

[i]But?I never saw you. Why didn?t you reveal yours

 

Well, I would have thought Luke just left the body where it fell. But with the ghost of the green master bugging him around, guess he had to try and 'bury' it.

?Because?well?honestly Luke??

Yeah. What made you stay in the background and not put yourself in a position where you might be, say, filmed for posterity, like, in case this entire event were to be put into a time capsule and flung out into deep space where some future civilization might find it, assume it?s a work of well-crafted fiction, recast us with modern-day actors and collect the whole thing into a series of blockbuster films that affect the lives of a generation?

??Because you?re embarrassing. That?s why. You do stuff like this. You invent these fanciful run-on sentences that make no sense and have zero grounding in reality. I don?t like being associated with that sort of behavior. Sorry.?

oh.

Yeah, 'oh' indeed.

 

Aw, man. I wish I could use word *^&$ here.

??Because you?re embarrassing. That?s why. You do stuff like this. You invent these fanciful run-on sentences that make no sense and have zero grounding in reality. I don?t like being associated with that sort of behavior. Sorry.?

It's as if you have your finger on my funny bottom, er, button.
(now if you could only work a way to off that "cutsey" kid on the Verzon Vios commercials)


??fault this is! Bet on the third horse, you could have! Instead, ignored my teachings and threw everything on the long-shot like an amateur, you did!

I was unsure, but pleeeeaasse tell me that was directed at Obi-Wan, that would be awesome.

X 10

 

This story is truly the work of an evil genius. Great work, Yod.

P.S. Thanks for the drink.

 

buh? *is confuzzled*

 

Yodimus - this is absolutely, positively, and without any question the most brilliant piece of work that I've read this afternoon!


I must say that finding this is a real treat, and a perfect way to start off the weekend.



Please add me to your PM list, for I'm quite forgetful, and need reminding if I'm going to continue to enjoy this.

Thanks!