Saga "THE STARR WORS" - (from the Beautiful Mind of a retarded squirrel)

Great story! Please put me on the PM list. I laughed for about 3 whole minutes after the second update. And once I'm legal, me and all my friends are pullin' out my galaxy map from Star Wars Insider and playing that drinking game!

 

ROFL Thanks for the PM and the drink! I needed both the drink and the good laugh after the rotten day I've had.

 

If I could have found my ass after the last update I would have laughed it off a second time.

The walker of the sky replied. That made me snarf Diet Coke Plus on my MacBook.

And as for that drink, I take it very dirty with a hint of vermouth.

 

Okay, I'm stepping out into the open with my hands raised above my head to admit that I've been lurking along with this story I've found it delightfully wierd- your commentary and such is just as... interesting as the actual posts. Could you add me to your PM List?

AnakinsFavorite

 

Yeah. What made you stay in the background and not put yourself in a position where you might be, say, filmed for posterity, like, in case this entire event were to be put into a time capsule and flung out into deep space where some future civilization might find it, assume it?s a work of well-crafted fiction, recast us with modern-day actors and collect the whole thing into a series of blockbuster films that affect the lives of a generation?



I approve of this update. Hilarious as always.

 

I love the explanation of why the ghosties don't want to hang out with Luke. Hilarious. And Yoda's senility and Dagobah's lack of a permit... its all just fantabulous. Thanks for the drink, too--you picked my favorite. How did you know I like the girly things?

Much , Yod--this is too much fun.

 

They should probably then discuss this as a group in his old hut. Perhaps at around noon.

Ok. Even quoting this line is making me laugh.

Hilarious update. Can't wait to hear this brilliant spur of the moment plan of Luke's.

 

Lanna:Well, I would have thought Luke just left the body where it fell. But with the ghost of the green master bugging him around, guess he had to try and 'bury' it.
Dead people can be so annoying about that sort of thing. Personally, I just let bodies rot where they are. Heck, I got seven just layin' downstairs right now. It adds to the decor actually. Real cutting-edge Art Deco..



Ale: It's as if you have your finger on my funny bottom, er, button.
Hey now, I thought we agreed to keep that little adventure a secret

I was unsure, but pleeeeaasse tell me that was directed at Obi-Wan, that would be awesome.
Well, the green guy is senile. It could have been directed at anyone. But Obi Wan works.
Also, STOP CONFUSING ME WITH MATH. things multiplied by 10 scare me, and I will NOT have that sort of behavior in my threadroom, you hear me?! *throws eraser at Ale*


Bale: This story is truly the work of an evil genius.
Is it a bad sign when a majority of my readers' compliments include the word 'evil'?
...I don't think so.
Oh, and you're welcome.

QTF I'm highlighting this because *sniff* it just warms the very cockles of my heart when I see yet another reader feel alienated and hoplessly lost while reading one of my fics. It's like a sweet little kiss on my cheek. I feel...complete. Ah. Palpy, I salute you, and send you off to join the countless other readers also confuzzled by my work. You're in good hands.


BigE: Please add me to your PM list, for I'm quite forgetful, and need reminding if I'm going to continue to enjoy this.
You've been listified my friend. Also, I have this memory bat right here. I think it'll help you out too. Whenever you think you've forgotten something, just come over to me, and I'll whack you with it till you remember...for forget that you forgot. Whichever comes first, or your money back (assuming you remember that you paid)




K_D_F: I laughed for about 3 whole minutes after the second update. And once I'm legal, me and all my friends are pullin' out my galaxy map from Star Wars Insider and playing that drinking game!
Woo! SOmething I wrote is breaking through to the real world! I feel all special. Oooo! You think Parker Brothers will pick it up? Seems like the sort of quality game they'd go in for..
You have been listified as well.



Wingstar: Thanks for the PM and the drink! I needed both the drink and the good laugh after the rotten day I've had.
Glad I could cheer up your day, and liquor you up in narrative form. That's just how I roll



Oqi, All I have to say is [bugs_bunny]Eh, you asked for it[/bugs_bunny]

It's lucky you aren't a guy, or you'd have a very difficult time explaining why your keyboard is sticky.



AF: AnakinsFavorite, keep your hands where I can see 'em. You have the right to not remain silent. Anything you R&R can and will be used against you in my Author Responses. You have a right to a PM. If you cannot afford a PM, a refresh button will be provided to you by the state.
That "...interesting" enough for ya? Book 'im, Friday.
You've been listified.
(goodness, I'm running out of room on this post-it)



Ennth: I approve of this update.
Great! I'll stamp it and send it off for processing then.



Luna: Thanks for the drink, too--you picked my favorite. How did you know I like the girly things?
Uh...dart board?
Yod--this

 

Damn...lmfao retarded squirrel....write more retarded story they're awesome

 

Write more retarded story


*shrug* If you say so..

---

?So he just calls you captain now??

?Every time I meet him.?

?But, are you? I mean, is that even possible??

?I don?t know! It?s definitely never happened before.?

?It sure is a pretty big jump in heirarchy.?

?Dude, it?s more than that. We?re Infantry. Captains are Navy. We shouldn?t have anything to do with each other! I mean, this is insane. The longer I?m around the guy, the more it seems like he actually has no idea what he?s doing. Think about it ? when?s the last time he?s issued an order? All he does is kill officers and promote people to their place! And even then, he?s not very good at it. Hell, I don?t even know what I?m supposed to be a captain OF! This ship already has one and he?s not dead yet!?

A shrug, ?You?re the backup??

The two Stormtroopers (or rather, one trooper and a ?Captain?) were standing on the observation deck of the [Tax] [i]Executor[/i],? terror of the skies and accounting bureaus the galaxy over. Around them the officers and a smattering of troops milled about, doing busy work in the corners or performing quiet, halted conversations. They were pretending they weren?t listening.

?Whatever.? The other trooper continued, ?I just can?t believe he doesn?t know the Empire Drinking Game! That?s pathetic. Does he have no social life whatsoever? How much sadder must one man get, when he isn?t aware of a game played by Coruscant big wigs and rimworld miners alike? Seriously, my grandmother knows about that game. Kriff, she PLAYS it!! Double-kriff, she [i]Taught[/i] me! That?s just really dorky on his part, am I right? Well? Am I? Yeah? Yeah, am I, am I right or what??

Captain(ish) Godley Verdard didn?t respond. He was still looking in the trooper?s direction, but the eyeline was way, way above his meek stormtrooper friend?s head. Way above. Like, Vader-distance above. The other trooper withered. The breathing had been there the whole time, but it?s hard to notice when hyperspace is rattling all the walls, drowning out so much.

?Um?I can, I can explain.? He said, not even making the attempt to turn around. Somehow, the breathing was now louder than everything.

A few hour?s worth of seconds passed. So much breathing.

The dark tower beckoned, ?Yes. Explain.?

?I was talking about Lord [i]In[/i]vader! Yeah. You know, the furry holovision puppet that teaches kids how to count??

?Ah, of course. I know that character well.?

?Good! Yeah, that?s who we were talking about?er, rather his puppetmaster. You know, cuz he?s lame. And. Stuff?the puppet?s cool.?

?Let me see if I recall one of the popular episodes?ah, yes. Season three, episode 3-27, scene six. From the segment, ?let?s count the empire!?. The vile creature, a blatant parody of myself, shuffles on-screen and proceeds to address the camera: ?Let?s count ?filthy stormies? today.? he says, and a line of stormtrooper collectable action figures from the Imperial-approved [i]Emperium by Design?[/i] popular demand rerelease line, Wave-5 (Same as Wave-4, but they?re recolored and come with collector cards!), march on behind him. The vile creature then pulls out a poor felt-made faximile of a holdout blaster and starts?counting: ?One dead stormie! Ah! Ah! ?Two dead stormies! Ah! Ah!? Three dead st-?

The trooper suddenly became anxious, ?Oh! No no, not [i]that[/i] Lord Invader, I meant, I meant the, the, the, the [i]other[/i] guy who is, uh, is, is-? POP!

?[i]Four[/i] dead stormtroopers. Ah. Ah.? The furious do-no-gooder finished. The trooper?s head landed on a table several meters away, in the middle a sabaac game. There was a pause?then someone slid it in as his ante and they kept playing.

The Dark Lord of Watching Too Much Rebel Propaganda then turned to the Captain of the Undefined, and addressed him, ?Captain, your intelligence was accurate on all counts, except for the fact that you?re stupid. But that doesn?t matter because you?re r

 

I think my last pm got lost in the mail...but this was great!

 

Ack, now the system ate my comment.
And I had so painfully inserted happy smileys all over the post which I couldn't resist to quote in full length. *bugger*

Well, I'll write it up again, but only an abbreviated version.

Dude, it?s more than that. We?re Infantry. Captains are Navy. We shouldn?t have anything to do with each other! I mean, this is insane. The longer I?m around the guy, the more it seems like he actually has no idea what he?s doing.

Getting close to the truth here, huh? But it seems nobody in this story really conws the what and where and why. Well, I know why, I'm here for the free drinks.

A few hour?s worth of seconds passed. So much breathing.

The dark tower beckoned, ?Yes. Explain.?

Good thing I have a backrest or I would have ended up rotfl, indeed.

?Let?s count ?filthy stormies? today.? he says, and a line of stormtrooper collectable action figures from the Imperial-approved Emperium by Design? popular demand rerelease line, Wave-5 (Same as Wave-4, but they?re recolored and come with collector cards!), march on behind him. The vile creature then pulls out a poor felt-made faximile of a holdout blaster and starts?counting: ?One dead stormie! Ah! Ah! ?Two dead stormies! Ah! Ah!? Three dead st-?

Lord Invader the counting puppet.
Dead stormies?

?Four dead stormtroopers. Ah. Ah.? The furious do-no-gooder finished. The trooper?s head landed on a table several meters away, in the middle a sabaac game. There was a pause?then someone slid it in as his ante and they kept playing.


He had it coming...

 

?One dead stormie! Ah! Ah! ?Two dead stormies! Ah! Ah!? Three dead st-?

Great. Now I've got the image of the Count from Sesame Street in my head. So everytime I watch ESB I'll be thinking of Christmas decorations, evil Christmas decorations and a kids show with friendly yellow birds and talking frogs.

Remind me why I'm reading this story again. Oh yeah, its brilliant.

Great update.

 

Just a random question: Does that retarded squirrel do dishes?

Thanks for the PM, I am so loving this story.

 

?Let me see if I recall one of the popular episodes?ah, yes. Season three, episode 3-27, scene six. From the segment, ?let?s count the empire!?. The vile creature, a blatant parody of myself, shuffles on-screen and proceeds to address the camera: ?Let?s count ?filthy stormies? today.? he says, and a line of stormtrooper collectable action figures from the Imperial-approved Emperium by Design? popular demand rerelease line, Wave-5 (Same as Wave-4, but they?re recolored and come with collector cards!), march on behind him. The vile creature then pulls out a poor felt-made faximile of a holdout blaster and starts?counting: ?One dead stormie! Ah! Ah! ?Two dead stormies! Ah! Ah!? Three dead st-?

Vader is a nerd!!!!



?Four dead stormtroopers. Ah. Ah.? The furious do-no-gooder finished. The trooper?s head landed on a table several meters away, in the middle a sabaac game. There was a pause?then someone slid it in as his ante and they kept playing.

With a sense of humor!

The Dark Lord of Watching Too Much Rebel Propaganda then turned to the Captain of the Undefined
*snicker*


?But Lord, sir, what about the part where you want him to be forced to choose between your path and certain death down a bottomless chasm??

Dude, you totally killed him Death! (it just screamed of Bill & Ted'd Bogus Journey *air guitar*)


But that could wait. He still dominated ?Pong? after all, ?Fetch me my shuttle.? ordered the Lord of Introspective Digression and Avoider of Difficult Questions.

 

I'm Vaderguy01, actually.

Ouch, I think I hurt myself laughing--literally, I've those separated ribs and all. I'm sending you my doc's bill.


?Four dead stormtroopers. Ah. Ah.? The furious do-no-gooder finished. The trooper?s head landed on a table several meters away, in the middle a sabaac game. There was a pause?then someone slid it in as his ante and they kept playing.


Brilliant. I love your combination of funny-as-hell, damn funny, darned funny and funny-as-all-get-out.

 

Another priceless update.


A few hour?s worth of seconds passed. This is a great line.

The "Lord Invader" bit was awesome. I'd repost some of it but that's been done already, and you don't need to see it again since you wrote it. Besides, I enjoyed the whole scene, especially with the sabaac ending, and posting that whole piece would have been superfluous, wouldn't it? Well, wouldn't it?

But that doesn?t matter because you?re right about Degoba. The probes have returned and the readings, while they show no ?green gnome? lifesigns, do show ?punk kid? lifesigns.
The precision and scope of the calibration of their sensors - it's simply amazing!

 

You poor thing- you came up with an update . What did you ever do to resist it??! Ack! I?ve been listified- that sounds scary!

Previous Post?

Whoa! That beginning gave me the most interesting mental images. Is it wrong that I found it oddly funny? I guess it was just in the way you wrote it?

Oh dear? Yoda and a chainsaw. I might have guessed. Quite the scary combination.

Ouch! He was shut down? I guess that?s what he gets for messing with ghosts!

This Post?

?I was talking about Lord Invader! Yeah. You know, the furry holovision puppet that teaches kids how to count??

?Ah, of course. I know that character well.?

?Good! Yeah, that?s who we were talking about?er, rather his puppetmaster. You know, cuz he?s lame. And. Stuff?the puppet?s cool.?

Just when I thought that I?d sufficiently forgotten/blocked Sesame Street from my mind, you had to bring thisup! Thanks!

Vaderguy01.

Vader swore to himself that one day, one day he?d track down this ?Vaderguy01? and make him pay for choosing such an insolent name. Such arrogance.

*Laughs* Too funny! And I so *knew* it was oqidaun!

Poor Vader? his life is so stressful? trying to put his priorities straight!

Thanks for the PM! This is so much fun!

AF

 

Palpy: I think my last pm got lost in the mail...
No, you're just freakin' fast! What were ya doing, refreshing the page all week waiting for that update?? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the loyalty, but...you're getting sleep right? Should I start sending canned goods and caffeine pills to help you get by?

Lanna: haha, best way to quote the whole chapter, ever! Nice, efficient use of space there, Ms. L.
(INTERESTING FACT! - "Mrs." and "Miss" are both shortened forms of the same word: "Mistress". "Ms." is supposedly a blend of both "Mrs." and "Miss". This makes "Ms." quite possibly the most redundant abbreviation in the English language)

Lola: Remind me why I'm reading this story again. Oh yeah, its brilliant.
Ah, you did all the work for me. I wish all my readers would answer their own questions like this. It'd save me some time.

Wingstar: Just a random question: Does that retarded squirrel do dishes?
Yes, but then he smashes them on the floor and tries to hide acorns in the garbage disposal. I don't recommend it.

Ale: *air guitar*
Why are the funniest jokes always the unintended ones? There's a nobel prize in physics hiding somewhere in that question, waiting for a genius to find it.

Vader is truly the nerd king. Bow before him, all ye who breath heavily through their nose.



Oqi: Stop giving away spoilers.
"I love your combination of funny-as-hell, damn funny, darned funny and funny-as-all-get-out."
*shrug* I try to mix it up. Wait NO. Your compliments will not swage me into distraction! (fun fact: it is physically impossible to be swaged into distraction.) I'm on to you and your tricks! Now git in that kitchen and make me a Beta, woman!

(p-pretty please, your highness?? *blink blink cower*)



BigE: Another priceless update.
I tried that argument already. The auction house still refuses to go above 30¢

AF: Whoa! That beginning gave me the most interesting mental images.
That's not fair. You can't just say that and not describe them! Yer leaving us hanging here!
Ack! I?ve been listified- that sounds scary!
Oh, it will be scary. It will be. *cough* sorry, frog in my throat. What were you saying?


I don't know if I'll have an update this week. I'm about to get really busy, and this is pretty low on my prioritometer.
We'll see.

Han maybe.
Or Luke again.
Luke is fun to write.
I'll leave Leia alone for the time being.
And eventually I'll have to throw a Boba Fett chapter in.
But not before another Luke...

 

?Let me see if I recall one of the popular episodes?ah, yes. Season three, episode 3-27, scene six. From the segment, ?let?s count the empire!?. The vile creature, a blatant parody of myself, shuffles on-screen and proceeds to address the camera: ?Let?s count ?filthy stormies? today.? he says, and a line of stormtrooper collectable action figures from the Imperial-approved Emperium by Design? popular demand rerelease line, Wave-5 (Same as Wave-4, but they?re recolored and come with collector cards!), march on behind him. The vile creature then pulls out a poor felt-made faximile of a holdout blaster and starts?counting: ?One dead stormie! Ah! Ah! ?Two dead stormies! Ah! Ah!? Three dead st-?

Isn?t that how we all learned to count?

?But Lord, sir, what about the part where you want him to be forced to choose between your path and certain death down a bottomless chasm?? The Black Metalic Schemer had informed the White Plastic Rank-Shifter of the Bespin plan, in its overly-complex entirety, during the long hyperspace journey. The impromtu briefing occurred during a game of ?Pong?, which Vader was far better at than ?Planet Missile Siege Command? where his Vaderguy04 was wallowing at number 97 in the ranking board, eight bellow Captain Godley?s Stormiedude2030 rank of 89 and far far below the number one rank: Vaderguy01.

HAHA! Vader the Dark Lord of pong, too funny!

This update was like re-living my childhood. All they need to do now is bring back Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

 

Awesome update, as usual. Insanity is good.

 

Pong, and the counting of the dead stormies...

I have this incredibly twisted image of Vader and Sesame Street and little Pong disks now.

Much , Yod--where you come up with this, I'll never know, but I love every minute of it.

 

I think what I'm gonna do is alternate updates. So this one every other week, and the other one on the opposing weeks. That should simplify my does-not-do-multitasking schedule.


Bale:
This update was like re-living my childhood.

So it was a near-death experience? Hm. Whatever works, I guess.
All they need to do now is bring back Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
DON'T TEMPT ME.



ennth: Insanity is good.
Yep. Part of this complete breakfast.


Luna:I have this incredibly twisted image of Vader and Sesame Street and little Pong disks now. I aspire to create images that shall haunt my readers' nightmares for as long as they live.
Thanks.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand I got nothin. Maybe tomorrow, I'll see. More likely, I'll just doodle around on Word this weekend and put it up on Monday. Or not. Depends. Or it doesn't depend. Whatever. As long as the update isn't a pair of adult diapers, I'll be happy.

 

Great update. My favorite part was the "captain" not knowing what he was captain of. Reminded me a bit of the Robot Chicken where the officers fake choking to make Vader think he has power, get hauled out by the janitors, and come back in a disguise.

 

Great update. My favorite part was the "captain" not knowing what he was captain of. I've always believed stormtroopers get a bad rap, just because they don't aim very well. I mean, Alexander Hamilton was a terrible shot too, but we don't ever diss him, now do we? I bet there are some real clever guys in the force, we just don't know it because we only ever see the ones that can't judge the distance between their head and the ceiling.

And now: Update.

---

[hr]
The once and former Be-all and End-all of Forcely Ãœberness called the meeting to order.

?Order, call I!?

A paper airplane whizzed by and crashed against the wall.

Around the moldy yellow and blue Playskool table sat Luke of wreckless manslaughter fame, a hologram of Han Solo looking bored and confused, a teddy bear, the ghost of Obi Wan ?Ben? Kenobi acting calm and smug, the ghost of Qui Gon Jinn who had no intention of adding anything meaningful to the conversation, the ghost of Jacob Marley, the ghost of President Nixon, Slimer, and the ghost of Anakin Skywalker From The Future (here played by Sebastian Shaw).

"Ah am notacrook!"

"Quiet, Nixon." shushed Qui Gon.

?I am told you have a plan, young Luke.? Prompted the Force-made-real Mentor of Tatooine fame. His beard was a bit longer now. How the afterlife hair-growth thing worked, nobody was entirely sure.

"I..." he puffed out his chest, "...do. Yes." he looked around furtively, "Yep."

?He will eventualy have a plan, I think I remembered.? Future-Anakin jumped in, ?He is about to go somewhere and did something, so that something can be allowed to not have happened before.?

?No, no I got a plan.? Luke replied, trying to ignore the insane time-travelly exposition. There was a short silence as he collected his thoughts. Or, more accurately, as he made up a plan on the spot, ?I say...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" he took a breath, "-eeeeeeeeeee...we...um. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" he took another breath.

Dead Qui Gon stared angrily at Dead Obi Wan, in a 'why did you pull me away from nirvana again?' kind of way.

"-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..uh...uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... weeeeeeeeeee- Ooo! OH! I know! We...we [i]take[/i] the fight to [i]them![/i] YEAH! BOOYAH! I win!!!? he pumped his fists into the air.

Yoda sighed. He considered this a sign of failure, that the student had learned nothing, ?Then nothing, learned have you!? Shouted the head-free ghost, ?A sign of failure, this is.? Continued the Stealer of the Already-Written.

"Braah! Brah, brag-a-brooah!" added Slimer.

?Listen kid, as much as we?d all [i]love[/i] to take on the Emperor himself?it just ain?t happening.? Offered the gunslinging hologram. There was a margarita in his hand.

The ghostly elder from films long past waved a dismissive hand, ?Of course it is a given that the ruler of the Galactic Empire is beyond the scope of this meeting. We need to look beyond the Emperor.?

??I thought Vader was a Lord??? asked the now-bewildered Skywalker.

Everyone exchanged uncomfortable looks. There was some shuffling, and a little sniffling, but nobody felt brave enough to break it to the guy. The ghost of Jacob Marley nervously played with his chains.

Finally, the Qui Gon ghost spoke up, ?Vader [i]is[/i] a Lord you moron. The Emperor is Emperor [i]Palpatine[/i]. The guy in charge, y?know? Whose face is plastered over everything that exists? The Emperor of the [i]Empire[/i]? What are you, retarded?!?

?You don?t have to answer that, Luke.? counciled Ben.


*****


Hours later, the ghostly Jedi were still in the room, deliberating. Han had long since left the party to do more important things, but Qui Gon had only stayed under one condition.

Luke was locked outside.

"Hmm...a difficult matter, this is."

"Not so difficult. Not from a certain point of view."

"Yeah, [i]your[/i] point of view. Who made him dealer, anyway?"

"Bragh brooga-brooh!"

"Mmmmm, yees. See your ten credits, and raise you two I will."

"Hmph. I fold. "Certain point of view"