Saga "THE STARR WORS" - (from the Beautiful Mind of a retarded squirrel)

Dead Qui Gon stared angrily at Dead Obi Wan, in a 'why did you pull me away from nirvana again?' kind of way.

"-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..uh...uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... weeeeeeeeeee- Ooo! OH! I know! We...we take the fight to them! YEAH! BOOYAH! I win!!!? he pumped his fists into the air.

Yoda sighed.





?Vader is a Lord you moron. The Emperor is Emperor Palpatine. The guy in charge, y?know? Whose face is plastered over everything that exists? The Emperor of the Empire? What are you, retarded?!?

So Luke is the squirrel?


"Hmph. I fold. "Certain point of view" my transparent ass. You guys are cheating."




Thank god I reached the end before I had to get an inhaler (I'm laughing so hard I can't catch my breath)!

Thanks for the afternoon chuckles Yod!

 

I loved all the ghosties... especially Qui-gon. Keep up the insanity and thanks for the PM.

 

What are you, retarded?!?

?You don?t have to answer that, Luke.? counciled Ben.



Wait. I thought the squirrel was retarded. Luke's a squirrel?

 

"Obi Wan shook his head, "Always was a sore loser." he rechecked his cards, then looked over the table, "How is the teddy bear winning, again?" "
LMAO!!!!!!!


EDIT: I was making Ha Ha Ha in laughing faces but the spaces didn't work when I posted it. It was cool, though!

 

OMG, I read through the entire thing in ten-fiften minutes! It kept me going! Funny stuff! Keep it up and put me on the PM list!

 

For the record, Yod, 'Ms' is not redundant at all, but a nice loophole for humble women like me that don't like to flaunt their marital status all the time.


Anakin Skywalker From The Future (here played by Sebastian Shaw).


Take that, Heidi Christiansen.

Shouted the head-free ghost,

Do I want to know how you shout without a head?

 

Yodimus, how could you ?Almost Forget? me? Me?!! Well, thanks for the squirrel poop anyways

?I am told you have a plan, young Luke.? Prompted the Force-made-real Mentor of Tatooine fame. His beard was a bit longer now. How the afterlife hair-growth thing worked, nobody was entirely sure.

Then again, do we really want to know how it works??!

That is an interesting? assortment of persons gathered.

Finally, the Qui Gon ghost spoke up, ?Vader is a Lord you moron. The Emperor is Emperor Palpatine. The guy in charge, y?know? Whose face is plastered over everything that exists? The Emperor of the Empire? What are you, retarded?!?

?You don?t have to answer that, Luke.? counciled Ben.

If I were Luke, I probably wouldn?t answer that one either

Hours later, the ghostly Jedi were still in the room, deliberating. Han had long since left the party to do more important things, but Qui Gon had only stayed under one condition.

Luke was locked outside.

That?s awesome? And the teddy bear- of course he?s winning!

Funny post!

AF

 

?You don?t have to answer that, Luke.? counciled Ben.

Better to not open one's mouth and remove all doubt, eh? If there were any doubt.






"Hmph. I fold. "Certain point of view" my transparent ass. You guys are cheating." And with that, Qui Gon disappeared in a huff.

Obi Wan shook his head, "Always was a sore loser." he rechecked his cards, then looked over the table, "How is the teddy bear winning, again?"

Oh, I don't know. I always thought Qui-Gon as more mellow. Perhaps death doesn't agree with him.

 

Dis Alexander Hamilton? Hell yeah, you've never heard my spiel on him.

Brilliant update!

Star Wars just isn't Star Wors without Nixon and Slimer.

 

Around the moldy yellow and blue Playskool table sat Luke of wreckless manslaughter fame, a hologram of Han Solo looking bored and confused, a teddy bear, the ghost of Obi Wan ?Ben? Kenobi acting calm and smug, the ghost of Qui Gon Jinn who had no intention of adding anything meaningful to the conversation, the ghost of Jacob Marley, the ghost of President Nixon, Slimer, and the ghost of Anakin Skywalker From The Future (here played by Sebastian Shaw).

Obi Wan shook his head, "Always was a sore loser." he rechecked his cards, then looked over the table, "How is the teddy bear winning, again?"


All that was missing was a certain movie quote about seeing dead people.

Thanks for the comic relief, Yod. These updates always make my day.

 

Great update! All those poor, bewildered dead guys losing to a teddy bear? I can see that.

 

Qui-Gon makes a great deadpan dead guy. I love the "why did you just pull me out of nirvana" look, and the fact that the teddy was winning. My teddies always won.

Much , Yod--this is sooooo much fun to come back to when I can. Loved it as always.

 

And lo, on the 44th day, he created a response. And he looked down upon his newly-formed response using the Preview feature, wherein he noted there was a typo and forsooth he edited it. And, that over, he looked at it again and saw that it was good. So he had a beer.
Genesis II: Genesis Harder (25:14)


Ale: "So Luke is the squirrel?"
Or is the squirrel Luke? Hmm? Riddle me that.
"Thank god I reached the end before I had to get an inhaler"
Now that I know your weakness, next time I'll make sure the chapter is longer. Do I expect you to read and respond? No, Mr. Ale...I expect you to die.


Wingstar: So, when you're in need a stories with ghosties, who ya gonna call?
Exactly.


Kyp: "I was making Ha Ha Ha in laughing faces but the spaces didn't work when I posted it. It was cool, though!"
I'll take your word for it. It does sound cool. Perhaps one day, when the time is ripe...maybe after I've retired and all my grandchildren are in college, I'll finally learn exactly how cool. And then I'll make a biopic about it, with Morgan Freeman narrating it. Until then, sadly, we may only dream.


Beta-C: "I read through the entire thing in ten-fiften minutes!"
Alright, alright! The chapters are short, I get it! Sheesh, ya don't have to rub it in! You've been listified, sir. (top right corner, next to a doodle of a stickfigure's head exploding)


Lanna: For the record, Yod, 'Ms' is not redundant at all"
I took the question up with a couple other people, and it turns out Mrs. Mistress and her sister-in-law Ms. Mistress both agree you.

AF: "Yodimus, how could you ?Almost Forget? me? Me?!!"
Like this:


<pause>


...who are you again?
"Well, thanks for the squirrel poop anyways"
I'm glad you like it. It was quite literally the least I could do. I should know, I double-checked.

..seriously though, who are you?


BigE: "Oh, I don't know. I always thought Qui-Gon as more mellow. Perhaps death doesn't agree with him."
Death definitely doesn't agree with him, no. The two get into arguments constantly. And about the most mundane things, too. Really, they act like an old married couple sometimes.


Oqi: "Dis Alexander Hamilton? Hell yeah, you've never heard my spiel on him."
Clearly, I don't know my audience very well.
I'm gonna have to go back to my demographics drawing board.


Bale: "These updates always make my day."
I wish they'd make my bed. Now that would be something.

M. Night Shyamalan, his films, and the lines within his films will not be appearing in this story. A 'twist-end' Boarder Fence, fortified by guard gates, has been set up to keep them out. Any lines/characters/or plots - contrived or otherwise (there's an otherwise?) - from said fictional territory that are found wandering near, will be promptly executed on the spot and without prior warning. This has been a Public Message from the Department of Canonland Security. Thank you.


ennth: "All those poor, bewildered dead guys losing to a teddy bear? I can see that."
And I can see your underwear!
*shrug* it rhymed.

Luna: "My teddies always won."
Teddy Bears are, by far, the best card sharks in the universe, no question. So I'm not surprised.


Lola:" Wait. I thought the squirrel was retarded. Luke's a squirrel?"
We seem to have some confusion as to the identity of the squirrel and/or Luke. Let me just assure you all right now, Luke and the squirrel, while similar in many ways, are not necessarily one-in-the-same. (as of what we know right now). Expect the retarded squirrel to issue a press release on this subject sometime next week. You'll know when, because Fox will bring back Futurama for only that day, just so they can preempt it to broadcast the press conference.

 

So anyway, where was I?
Ah yes.

And so, as THOSE GUYS attempt to STRIKE BACK, and THE PEOPLE are off doing THINGS for those OTHER PEOPLE at that place, THIS GUY is here, at THIS place, doing HIS thing.

We join him now, in progress...

---

Han Solo lounged against a comfy chair in the dining room, happy to be done with that strange, pointless meeting with Luke and those weirdos, and back to business. He had extremely important things to take care of, after all.

There was a fancy cocktail in his hand with a tiny lightsaber on it, speared through a collection of tiny fruit slices, all of which were now sizzling, because it's a damn tiny lightsaber, and that's a stupid thing to garnish a drink with. You could poke your brain out. His empty margarita glass was being carried away by a kindly cyborg. Lando Calrissian lounged next to him, picking his own drink off the tray being offered by a completely unrelated cyborg. Outside the large windows, the lazily rolling clouds of Bespin offered a grand, groundless scenery. Bespin. Now there was a planet with very little to complain about.

Han set his drink down. A cyborg refilled it. This cyborg had nothing to do with the other two, nor will any of the others mentioned in this segment have anything to do with each other, and the fact that they look exactly the same and have the same voice is pure coincidence.

Han guestured to his buddy, ?So explain the Empire thing again. The other guys need to hear this.? Surrounding them was the contingent of Rebels who had populated the Evac Shuttle they?d arrived in. They leaned forward to hear Lando?s story, drinks in hand, a couple wearing sunglasses, one guy in a leisure suit. The cyborgs swarmed to keep up with refills as best they could, but it was hard. The shortage of mini-umbrellas had been tough on everyone that year.

?Yeah, yeah, definitely. I?ll get to that in a second, but I have just one question.?

?Hm??

?Where?s my ship, old buddy??

?You mean MY ship.?

?Right, for someone who?s seems so possessive of it, I?d think you?d be more careful about remembering where you put it.?

?Look, I had to, uh, make a quick exit, and I wasn?t gonna wait for Chewie to find the damn keys. You know how he is.? He put his thumb and index finger together and brought them to his lips a couple times.

?Yeah, I know all about Chewie?s habits. But was that honestly a reason to leave the thing on Hoth??

?No, but ?crazy lady who?s obsessed with me? [i]is.[/i]?

?Ooo. One of those. Okay, forget I asked. So anyway, the Empire.? Lando rolled his eyes, ?This is ridiculous. First of all, to set the scene, I?d been supervising a group of cargo shipments out on the docks all day, so I was grimy as hell and decided to take a shower. Not a ? [i]literally[/i] not a [i]second[/i] after I step out, my holoprojector flashes on thanks to the Imperial override channels. So I?m buck naked and this,? he paused, trying in vain to keep from cracking up, ?this poor stormtrooper pops on the screen. The guy?s so flustered, he can?t even get his rank right! He introduces himself as a ?Captain?!?

Which of course broke the room up into laughter. Because such a thing would [i]never[/i] happen.

...*cough*

?So he backs away as I throw on a towel ? [i]just[/i] in time - because here?s Vader on the screen, and he goes,? the former smuggler-turned-businessman-turned-minor-Whyren's Reserve 45-celebrity cupped his hands around his mouth to fake the deep electronic voice, ??I?d like to make a deal, Calrissian. A?monetary deal.?" he removed his hands for the aside: "Right, like there are any other kinds." and in Vadey-Voice: " ?Would you like that?? " Lando-Voice: "and I?m all, ?well what are the details?? and he so he explains,? Lando got out of his chair to be better seen by the group, ?and this is seriously exactly what he said, he said," Vadey-Voice: " ?just a simple transaction. A small group of Rebels will be arriving soon. You will be given a vast amount of credits simply by giving me a

 

Wonderful, great, love it!


?Yeah. He called back, but he didn?t really say anything. He kind of didn?t have to.? The window showing that grand vista was autmatically sealing shut.

?Aaaaaand, why was that???

?He transmitted the credit offer.? Lando finished, and at that very moment, the main doors of the dining room opened up, letting in a small army of Stormtroopers.

Han was incredulous with fury, ?You, you traitor! You dirty, low-down, son of a?? Lando had been scribbling on a napkin and now held it up. There were a lot of zeroes, ??oh. Nevermind.? A trooper cuffed him and led him out.

Before the door shut, Han called back, ?Hell for that much, I?d have turned myself in.?

Now that is a perfect end for the scene.

 

*sits down to eat a peach*

It's wierd... this is the only fanfiction that I can read this early in the morning and not feel confused and lost.

So... I loved the cyborg bit about them not being related to each other. And, I knew Lando was pulling a fast one, sly dog A most interesting twist on the Saga.

Oh, and I'm still waiting on the Retarded Squirrel Who Is Not Luke's press release.

AnakinsFavorite

 

I'm glad you finally took the time to update.

Thanks to your PM, I just had to read over it again, and I think I aughed my ass of somewhere between chapters one and two.

Before the door shut, Han called back, ?Hell for that much, I?d have turned myself in.?









Absolute wit... but what ever happened to Yoda's pairing, as listed in the first post?

I think I'm in need of another update... an emergency update! (Emergency updates must be submitted to the Dark Lord of Pong, Associate of Ruination, for approval, then double-approved by the Retarded Squirrel who is really Luke in a squirrel costume, who is really a brilliant squirrel known as Yodimus in a Luke Skywalker costume, custom-made with Imperial-scanner-detectable 'Punk Teen'-ness. Rewards points are allowed only in extreme cases as which, such rewards constitute a bag of nuts for the afore-mentioned retarded squirrel, impervious to being stored in a trash compactor.)

 

Another great update, Yod. Nothing like one pirate outwitting another. Han should have known it was too far-fetched not to be true.

Funny, funny stuff!

 

Han was incredulous with fury, ?You, you traitor! You dirty, low-down, son of a?? Lando had been scribbling on a napkin and now held it up. There were a lot of zeroes, ??oh. Nevermind.? A trooper cuffed him and led him out.

Before the door shut, Han called back, ?Hell for that much, I?d have turned myself in.?


Pure genius.

 

?Look, I had to, uh, make a quick exit, and I wasn?t gonna wait for Chewie to find the damn keys. You know how he is.? He put his thumb and index finger together and brought them to his lips a couple times.

I had to make the motion a couple of times to make sure I understood you correctly! (and yes my hand WAS empty...at the time)


Vadey-Voice: " ?just a simple transaction. A small group of Rebels will be arriving soon. You will be given a vast amount of credits simply by giving me a chance to see them in person. No strings attached. We at the Empire definitely ?? Lando paused to keep from cracking up, ? ? ?definitely have no intention of doing anything evil, like taking them hostage, interrogating them, and then killing them and perhaps destroying any hope the alliance ever had of taking the Empire down. That would be ridiculous and you can trust us not to do that.'

(the cupping of the hands was a nice touch! )


Han was incredulous with fury, ?You, you traitor! You dirty, low-down, son of a?? Lando had been scribbling on a napkin and now held it up. There were a lot of zeroes, ??oh. Nevermind.?

Imagine if Chewie knew, he could do a heck of lot of "lip touching" with that money.

Thanks for the much needed chuckles Yod!

 

I'm speechless... well except for saying I'm speechless... and saying except for saying I'm speechless... and...

 

This continues to be the funniest thing I've read on these boards.

Whyren's Reserve 45-celebrity

Though I should be feeling old because I get this, I'm too busy laughing not to care.

Before the door shut, Han called back, ?Hell for that much, I?d have turned myself in.?

Maybe he can cut his own deal with Vader. After all, the guy does seem to be giving the farm away, so to speak.

Hilarious update. Loved it.

 

Oh, Han.

I could hug you for writing some good Han and Lando banter and letting me get to laugh at them again. Fanfic seemed to miss those two, but Yod brought them back! And of course that naked thing could never possibly have happened. Nope.

Oh wow.

And peaches. Um. I've never really liked them. They're furry. I don't like furry fruit. I'm weird.

Hilarious update, Yod!

 

The Squirrel still makes me laugh.
Thanks for clearing up the paternity on all those damned cyborgs that would have kept me awake at night.




I hope the fuzzy one gets an intervention before "Chewie and Chong's Next Movie"

 

"The squirrel's press confrence, scheduled for today, had to be pushed back due to unforseen planet-destroying circumstances. We appologize for the slight inconvenience" - recieved two hours ago, via scorched and dying postal worker.

As a tribute to you all and your supreme patience, I'm going to stand back in silence, and quote everybody at once: