Saga Saga - ST "This is NOT the way": A Kylo Ren meets Mando story one shot

Title: "This is not the way": A Kylo Ren meets Mando story
Author: gizkaspice
Timeframe: During the Mandalorian
Characters: Mando, Grogu (the Child), Kylo, Blackie and sand
Genre: Parody, Comedy
Summary: With the help of his trusty kitten, Blackie, Kylo Ren finds a mysterious wardrobe aboard the Supremacy back in the story The Cat, the Kylo, and the Wardrobe. Now, he has traveled back in time by falling into a totally different wardrobe where Mando has the misfortune of dealing with him.
Notes: Nothing makes sense. This is the way but it's actually not. Or maybe it is. I have no idea. This is just for fun! Tagging @AzureAngel2 for interest

Follow along the theme song to these lyrics for more madness!


1:10:
Here's a man who’s an introvert; Doesn’t like droids or small talk
Will kick your butt if you say one word ; Against his little green weird kid
He has no idea....that someone's coming their way.....
He's just a single dad; Who is minding his own business
Suddenly this guy appears; And changes history
Who the hell is that? ...it's Kylo Ren!
And he comes from a totally different dimension
He has a cat named Blackie; Who’s a girl cat, so he says
No, she's a boy. He's a girl; He's a boyirl, she's a girboy
I'm so confused!?
What will it take for him to leave Mando alone?!
He's a child in a mask; Who thinks his cat is a girl cat
Dude, it's been an hour! Why don't you go away!?
And leave Mando alone; And that your cat is a boy
And you're annoying and so our story begins….
Do, do, do do, do do do do...Meow meow meow meow meow meow.

Chapter 1

"This is not the way."

Kylo Ren smacked his lips from under his helmet as he mused. Blackie, his black kitten, was sitting on his helmet shifting his eyes suspiciously. "Umm. What's not the way?" he asked the Mandalorian standing before him on some weird desert planet. He had a hovering crib beside him with a funny-looking green baby inside.

"Look, Kylo, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but where I come from we don't greet people by shoving our cat's butthole into other peoples' faces. It’s a huge insult to my people."

“Okay, Mango,” said Kylo.

“It’s Mando,” snapped the Mandalorian and then sighed. "Why do you choose to be difficult?"

"Just a habit, I think."

"Anyways, I keep telling you your cat is a boy. You're a man. You should know your own equipment." Mando paused for a moment as though uncertain of that statement. "You are a man, right?"

"I'm Kylo Ren."

He signed. "Somehow I don't think that answers the question..."

"Blackie's just special. She has these radio transmitters to help her navigate the world. Many have tried to take away her manhood. All have failed. They were fools for trying."

"Absolutely nothing you just said made sense," said Mando before turning his attention to the Child and waving a gloved finger in warning. "And this is why you should never, ever, eat any hallucinogenic mushrooms off the ground. You're going to turn out like this guy talking about his cat’s special butt. He's clearly delusional."

"You're wrong, Mango," said Kylo from under his helmet.

"Stop calling me Mango. Look, even this kid is a boy. I checked his diapers. The signs are there."

"This doesn't apply to Blackie."

Now he was getting a splitting headache from this guy and Grogu was confused and becoming uncomfortable from the presence of this strange Dark Side man in front of them. And after a moment of silence, a yellow liquid dripped down from Kylo's helmet.

"Your cat is peeing on you."

Kylo shrugged. "Yeah, she does that sometimes."

Mando helmet-palmed. "Okay. What will it take for you to go away? How about we make a deal?"

"Let's hear what you have to offer."

Realizing that he was probably dealing with some kind of a manchild, he searched his pockets quickly. "I'll give you this expired pack of Cracker Jacks and my half-eaten tuna sandwich if you go away and leave us alone."

The desert wind blew softly against Kylo Ren's black cape as he remained standing and considered the offer. Blackie shifted his eyes suspiciously and stared at the sandwich with great interest.

"I can work with that."

Mando heaved a sign of relief. He threw the expired snack pack and the sandwich to him. Kylo caught the Cracker Jacks and sandwich with the Force and put the snack in his pocket. He gave the tuna sandwich to Blackie who devoured it like a hungry piranha.

The black kitten arched his back and sat sprawled on Kylo's helmet like a leech.

"So....," began Mando, realizing the idiot was still there. "The way a deal works is that the other person needs to fulfill their part.....of the deal."

"Huh," said Kylo, looking up from playing video games on his comlink. "Oh yeah. Okay, whatever. Let's go, Blackie. This place sucks anyways and that green baby leprechaun freaks me out."

The Mandalorian and Grogu watched Kylo and his cat disappear back into a weird wardrobe that also vanished. And calm once again returned to the land.

"Probably should have just kicked his ass when I had the chance," said Mando, deeply regretting his actions.

Grogu was now mumbling something and looked up to his adoptive parent with concern.

"I agree," said Mando, not sure what he was agreeing to. "That guy was a total douchebag. Let's hope we never see him again."

Suddenly, he took out his comlink and positioned it away from them with one hand and caught them both together in the image. "Okay, time for a selfie."

And he saved the file as My_Funny_Little_Green_Jelly_Bean_and_me.jpg.

THE END--ACTUALLY, I LIED. There's a prequel leading up to this below.

 

PERFECT! Totally a Mandalorian episode/outtake

 

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Yeah I can totally see this being a Mandalorian episode...and I would name it either, "The Wardrobe" or "The Manchild" or maybe just "The Kylo"

 

I totally agree with Nyota, this would be a great episode! And for a title, I'd totally go with "The Kylo"!

OMG THE THEME SONG!

OMG "MANGO"!

I literally LOL'd at this, and also it made me think of this. Runs in the family, I guess!

OMG Blackie peeing on Kylo and Kylo being all nonchalant about it will never not be funny!

I'm totally picturing him doing this all serious and emo just like he looks in the movies and it's just so funny.

LMFAO! Yeah, I'd regret it too!

And the selfie at the end, AWWWWW!

Really, I could have just quoted this whole story because I love it all. (And I haven't forgotten about "The Cat, The Kylo and The Wardrobe" either - I WILL finish reading as soon as I can!). Thank you so much for sharing these fics that bring so much laughter and so many smiles!

 

"Chapter somewhere between another chapter: THE KYLO"

Kylo refuses to get someone's name right but if you dare call him "Kyle" he will go into a full-blown temper tantrum: "IT'S KYLO REN, FOOL!"

I love Family Guy and it's so funny because I was watching all the Star Wars references and I can't believe I missed this one! It literally made me laugh at loud at the randomness. Yup, like grandfather like grandson.

Exactly what I was aiming for

Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I truly appreciate it. I'm glad to know you're enjoying these silly stories because they're really the only thing keeping me sane at the moment given the current situations at hand so knowing other people get a laugh out of it makes me super happy

 

(but now I keep wondering about what lead to this scene) . Please - make a prequel too....?

 

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Do you mean a prequel that leads up to this scene where they first meet or just wondering in general why this scene even exists?

 

This. The scene was hilarious but how in the galaxy did they end up there together?

 

Got it. I totally agree this would be useful to readers! Okay, I'll see what I can come up with

 

Okay, I hope this is helpful! @CaraJinn , @amidalachick , @WarmNyota_SweetAyesha and anyone else who enjoyed this story and is still reading. (Okay, I guess it didn't end up being a one shot )

Chapter 0.5 or 1.5: THE KYLO

“What's the craziest thing you've ever seen?” asked Cara Dune over a drink at a local cantina. Mando got some apple juice with a swirly silly straw.

“Probably that time this guy from another dimension or something appeared out of nowhere. He had this cat with him and then the cat peed on him. It was pretty weird.”

The Mandalorian was expecting her to now slowly move away from him but instead she remained sitting across from him, amused. “Interesting. Go on.”

He sighed. “Don't say I didn't warn you.” Mando then put some fuzzy green earmuffs on Grogu while Cara raised an eyebrow. “I don't want him to relive this. Alright, here we go…”

***
Back on Kuiil’s moisture farm, Mando went on another side quest for some reason and had returned to ask about where he could buy fuzzy green earmuffs for the green baby since he was worried the child would catch a cold on the ship.

“Have you tried the Internet?” advised Kuiil and then pointed to his goggle cap. “Brand new. 5 credits. No shipping fee.”

“Sounds like a good deal,” said Mando, impressed.

Suddenly they saw an ominous black-clad man in front of them. Mando rested his hand on his blaster as the man turned to them. A black cat sat on his helmet and shifted its eyes suspiciously.

“Huh,” said the man, scratching the top of his helmet. “Is this like Tatooine or something? I heard sand ants might crawl into your pants."

“You're on my ranch, stranger,” said Kuiil. “What brings you here?”

“So, like, I was wandering around my ship and fell into this wardrobe that took me here, I guess. Is this like the future or something?”

“It's been five years since the Battle of Endor, mister.”

“Okay. So, like, I'm in the past. At least I didn't end up on the Enterprise again. This guy with pointy ears started chasing me with a broom for breaking stuff. Freakin’ weird laser beams turn you into tiny particles or whatever and next thing you know your underwear is gone.”

Mando just stood there in complete confusion and stared at him. “What…...?!”

“Hey, you guys wanna see my cat?” asked Kylo, pointing to the black kitten. “This is Blackie. Her name is Blackie cause she’s black, like the Dark Side and Darth Vader. It’s a cool colour.”

“That cat is a boy,” declared Kuiil with a nod. “I have spoken.”

“Well, excuse me,” protested Kylo as though deeply offended by the statement, “but I have also spoken and I totally don't agree with you, weird pig guy. “

Kuiil shook his head watching the manchild act all emo. He turned and looked up to the Mandalorian. “He's your battle now. Good luck.”

“Great,” muttered Mando uneasily as the Ugnaught walked back to the hut. “So, what's your name?” he asked the mystery man whose cat was now licking its butt.

“I’m Kylo Ren.”

"I'm the Mandalorian. But people call me Mando.”

“Sorry, dude. Not a big fan of mandarin oranges. That stuff can give you serious acid reflex. You ever take off your helmet?”

“No, I can't take it off. This is the way.”

“Yeah,” agreed Kylo. “I got this pimple I’m self-conscious about myself.”

“Aright, cool. How about you go away now, Kyle O’ Ren?”

Kylo Ren suddenly screamed and ignited his crossguard lightsaber and sliced some rockpiles into pieces. “IT’S KYLO REN, FOOL!”

“Whoa,” said Mando, watching the dumbass angrily etch K-Y-L-O into a mountainside using his lightsaber as he went into a full-blown temper tantrum like a 3-year old little kid. And then he started arguing with air for some reason. Mando looked down to the green baby in his hovering crib who was just watching everything quietly. "That is totally not a normal reaction to a trivial thing. This guy has some serious issues.”

Kylo turned off his lightsaber and huffed and puffed angrily.

“Alright. You're good now, bro? You got that out of your system?”

“Yeah, I'm good.”

“Cool,” said Mando, giving a thumbs up. “Can you please go away now?”

“Nope,” said Kylo, holding up Blackie who was now terrified of yet another one of his temper tantrums. “I gotta show you my girl cat, Blackie, first.”

“You mean your boy cat.”

“No, excuse me, my girl cat. Her name is Blackie and she’s awesome. Have you ever taken, like, advanced cat anatomy classes? They teach you that stuff at school.”

“Right. Did you ever get the “Talk?” You know, where babies come from?”

“Look, I totally get your confusion or whatever. Her butt is just, like, super furry so it's hard to tell unless you’re a cat expert. You want to see her up close?”

Mando raised his hand in front of him to shield him from the view of the cat’s rear-end. “Whoa. This is not the way!”

“Oops,” said Kylo, turning the cat around. “Wrong way!”

***
“So, what do you think? Pretty crazy?”

Cara glanced to him and tried not to snort in laughter. “Wow. Is that really apple juice? You can't just make this stuff up!"

Mando sighed and put his hands on his helmet in utter defeat. “I’m not making this up. This really happened but I guess nobody is ever going to believe me.”

“Whatever you say, Mango.”

Meanwhile, Grogu was drawing Blackie the black cat on the table using the expensive crayons his dad got him off the Internet.

PROBABLY THE END.

 

I can hear him . You should really make a miniseries in this genre.

 

How? Why? Pardon me? The end?

Oh, no! Now that you bring Grogu and crayons into this, there is no way you can possibly stop the press, @gizkaspice!!!

 

Thanks all for reading/commenting!

Thanks for the comment! You're probably right....and this was only supposed to be a one-shot....

Yes, ma'am! Hopefully you will enjoy the next installment with crayons and their true purpose....

Okay, yeah this was supposed to be a one-shot, but whatever

Chapter 2: THE KYLO RETURNS

Somewhere at another cantina, Mando was sitting with Cara while Grogu was drawing all over his helmet with his special crayons.

“One apple juice right here,” said the bartender and put the glass down in front of the Mandalorian.

Mando nodded and added his silly swirly straw into the drink.

Cara put down her soup. “You just let him draw all over you?” She was referring to the flowers, happy faces, and cats in neon pink and green all over his helmet now.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” he reassured. “This is the way.”

She shrugged. “Okay then.”

He suddenly heard a familiar voice and turned to see Kylo Ren with a group of Mon Calamari tourists, one of which was wearing a puffy hat with feathers and classy sunglasses. “Oh no. Remember that guy I told you about whose cat peed on him? He's sitting back there.”

Cara turned her shoulder around to face the manchild. “So you really were telling the truth. Is he a Mandalorian?”

He sighed annoyingly. “No. He’s just some dumbass kid cosplaying as Darth Vader. I don't even know how he ended up here again. What lies is he spreading to those tourists?”

“And if you put a pickle in the microwave, it reverts back to being a cucumber,” explained Kylo Ren while his cat, Blackie, sat on the table looking cool.

“Ohhhhh,” said the tourists, impressed.

Mando stood up from his chair before turning to Cara. “I need to put a stop to this. Watch the kid.”

Grogu put down his crayons to watch his dad boldly approach the Dark Side guy. His dad was so brave.

“He’s talking nonsense,” said Mando as he approached Kylo Ren and the group. “You’ll just have a cooked pickle and it'll taste disgusting.”

“Oh, booo,” said the tourists in disappointment before walking off.

“So,” said Kylo Ren, standing up to meet the Mandalorian. “We meet again. Mango.”

“Why are you here? We had a deal. No negotiations.”

“To get my revenge,” said Kylo Ren before taking out the bag of Cracker Jacks the Mandalorian gave him previously. “You thought you're pretty clever, didn't you? This Cracker Jack was all popcorn and no prize. Highly infuriating.”

“……..What…..Are you serious? You came back for this? You're a grown man!”

“And no man gives another man a pack of Cracker Jacks with no prize inside, you fool!”

“Oh geez,” said Mando, helmet-palming. If he kept that up, he would probably get a dent on his visor. “Look, kid, can you just call your parents so they can pick you up or something? You’re seriously getting on my nerves here.”

“What's going on here?” Cara asked while holding Grogu. “This guy giving you a hard time, Mando?”

“Hey, funky-Amazon lady, why don't you just mind your own business?”

“Excuse me?” snapped the woman, rolling up her sleeves. She handed the green baby to Mando. “Sounds like you’re asking for an ass-kicking.”

Kylo Ren suddenly posed a bizarre martial arts stance and reached out his arm in a motion that read, ‘come at me, bro.’

She glared at him and stole someone’s thick noodle order and used the long noodle as a whip. She extended the noodle-whip towards him, which entangled him, before pulling the whip towards her with all her might. “Get over here!”

Mando wasn’t sure if he should step between them. “Cara, don’t! He looks stupid but he's dangerous---"

Cara then proceeded to uppercut the manchild so he flew through the ceiling of the cantina towards the sky.

Mando and Grogu watched this event unfold with awe as Kylo probably landed thousands of kilometers away somewhere in the desert sands. “Whoa.”

Meanwhile, Blackie the black kitten shifted his eyes suspiciously before disappearing into the shadows.

Mando turned to her, amazed. “How'd you do that?”

Cara dusted her hands off. “I read in a spoiler that in the future some girl without training beats him up, so I figured a girl with training can probably whoop his ass.”

Suddenly, a horde of angry cats wearing tiny pirate hats stormed the cantina, causing panic for the patrons. Their tuna-shaped spaceships landed before the building one by one. A cat with a cybernetic eye body-scanned Mando, Cara and the baby analytically.

“They're searching for catnip,” declared Mando, watching the cats begin to plunder the place. “We should leave. These cats mean business.”

****

 

Benny Bunny sometimes sounds like a tom cat that had too much catnip in his system.

But cool to see that ManDo, not ManGo (!) Benny Bunny, goes for liberal ideas when it´s up to wee Grogu making art.

 

!!! This gets funnier all the time!

 

A man of few words...

(And I'm so happy to see that Mando has the same opinion of Kylo as I do...)

 

And once again, I miss the good stuff, only to catch up later!

Ya mean whiskers, Ren?

Blackie says "Take the tuna!"

Hmm...could be an interesting alliance there!

I think you said that last time, LOL!

Ah, the voice of reason! He & Finn have a lot in common.

Wonderful work, @gizkaspice! It's always a blast when you bring your version of Kylo Ren along for the ride. He reminds me of LEGO Palpatine.

 

Thank you for reading/commenting, Azure! Yup, he sure is a tomcat at times. I'd think Mando would be ok with the crayon thing because he'll use just Goo Gone and no more crayon but Grogu will be happy at least.

Thanks for reading! Yeah, I think these stories have a tendency to do that...

I'd imagine Mando wouldn't be too impressed with Kylo and wouldn't take the kid seriously after his 3-year old temper tantrums.

Always nice to see you here, Renata! Thanks for reading/commenting! I'm glad you like it so far. I love LEGO Palpatine (and Robot Chicken Palpatine for that matter!) and in a lot of ways Kylo is like that but more silly.

Yeah I know but then I start getting more plot bunnies and then it becomes an epic never-ending story or something that someone really ought to turn into a cartoon series

And here is the next short chapter, I think.

Chapter 3: THE CAT RUN

The cat with the cybernetic eye suddenly shot a laser at them from its eye, prompting them to run out of the building as the cats resumed plundering the place in search of catnip. Mando just barely dodged the beam that burnt the wall behind him as he placed the green baby into his portable kangaroo pouch around his belt and ran outside with Cara. The patrons and bartender were now hiding under chairs as the cats took over the cantina.

"We need to get to the ship!" cried Mando as they dodged another laser beam from behind. The Razor Crest wasn't parked too far away. "It's our only hope!"

The pirate cat leader hissed and suddenly the horde of cats ran after them in a fury of meows and tiny pirate cat hats. A fat white cat was the last one to join the pursuit out of the cantina. And as Mando, Cara and Grogu ran for their lives, the theme song in the background was now replaced by a cat meows version.

“Mando, Mando, Mando!” shouted Greef Karga suddenly in the distance bouncing on the tips of his boots and waving his arms at them in excitement.

“RUN!” cried the Mandalorian as they ran towards him, the furry cloud of angry cats racing behind them.

“Mando, Mando, Mando!” resumed Greef Karga, bouncing.

“When I’m yelling at you, that means run!” repeated Mando annoyingly.

“Aieeee!” cried Greef, seeing the storm of cats advancing before joining them as they ran away. “Killer pirate cats closing in!”

“Not on my watch,” said Cara, whipping out her blaster as they ran.

“No,” warned Mando, turning to her as the green baby giggled happily in excitement in the pouch that read in clear letters: ‘baby on board.’ “We can’t harm them! It's against Galactic Law and against the Creed! We need to negotiate.”

“You can't bargain with these cool cats, Mando!” said Greef as they ran. “They’re drug dealers! They’ll put a gun to your head and force you to rub their bellies!”

“We need to find a way!”

“These cats know karate; they’ll kick our shins clean!” warned Greef.

Cara sighed. “Am I the only one finding this cat thing ridiculous now?”

“We need to find Blackie,” said Mando suddenly. “Blackie will help us.”

“Who’s Blackie!?” asked Greef.

“Basically Blackie belongs to this guy from another dimension and pees on him sometimes,” explained the Mandalorian.

“You been tryin' out some fancy catnip there, Mando!?”

Cara sighed again, rolling her eyes. “He's telling the truth. It's…. complicated.”

"Alright, but is Blackie a person or...!? Who's peeing on whom!? This is gettin' weird!"

"No, he's a small kitten. Small, but smart. I'll explain everything once we catch a break," said Mando, still running.

“All right I'm in, friend. Let’s find this Blackie,” agreed Greef as they resumed running. Well, actually, they were jogging slowly now because the cats behind them were temporarily getting tired of chasing after them and shooting laser beams. “Gotta admit this running for our lives thing is an excellent cardio workout!”

****

 

Ha, ha, it was a comment, not a complaint! Definitely a win for everyone all around!

Wait a minute... where IS Millicent? Could SHE be behind this?

Naptime. The thing that stops cat invasions in their tracks. 5 minutes of crazy, 50 minutes of snoooooooore...

I haven't yet seen the Mandalorian, but I am enjoying this all. Looking forward to Blackie strutting his stuff...although I suppose Kylo Ren will be along for the ride, which only inflates the crazy.

 

Too fun, as Blackie is needed to help with the cat pirates

 

Awww, how cute is that pouch.

...or are our heroes heading for a CATastrophe?

 

Blackie is the key to all of this

Well, Millicent is back in the sequel trilogy dimension probably licking her butt, but I have no doubt she is like Palpatine and is pulling the strings all along...

You need to fix this right now! It's the best thing since sliced bread and it has a loth cat in it. That means cats are secretly around but we never really see them scheming which means this story is actually canon because cats or something I dunno Yes, Blackie will be the star once again as always and I'm sure Kylo will appear soon to ruin everything.

Definitely! The cat stuff is just beginning....

Thanks again for those who read/commented!

 

I like all the cleverly inserted cat jokes in the last update. You lovingly sprinkled them all over the text like the chocolate sprinkles (hagelslag) that Dutch put on their bread for some (YUMMY) reasons.