TITANIC EPISODE I: THE ICE-COLD MENACE

A revision of the crazy story I posted about 2 years ago.


EPISODE I THE ICE-COLD MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the North Atlantic. The fastest route to New York City is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a floating death-trap called 'Titanic,' the greedy, British White-Star Line has ordered its maiden voyage . . .

R.M.S. TITANIC--BRIDGE--SOUTHAMPTON

CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN and OBI-WAN ANDREWS are looking pensively out the window.

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: I have a bad feeling about this!
CAPTAIN JINN: I sense nothing.
OBI-WAN ANDREWS: It's not here in Southampton. It's something elsewhere, elusive.
CAPTAIN JINN: Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs. Never think ahead, my young architect.
OBI-WAN ANDREWS: Yes, captain.

DOCK--SOUTHAMPTON

The young and outlandishly dressed PADME DE-NABARRIE AMIDALA is preparing to board Titanic. She is flanked by 6 handmaids and followed by the conniving Calpatine. She looks up at 'Titanic' disdainfully.

AMIDALA: It doesn't look much bigger than a Nubian.
(cue 'Emperor's Theme' music)
CALPATINE: You are young and naive, and hard to impress.

R.M.S. TITANIC--1ST CLASS CABIN

CALPATINE is observing the wardrobe that the loyal handmaids are unpacking. 'Emperor's Theme' is still playing.

CALPATINE: If I may say so, Amidala, your taste in clothing is very interesting.
AMIDALA: Yes, there's truth in them, but no logic.
CALPATINE: Kind of like this movie.

R.M.S. TITANIC--BRIDGE

The voyage is underway. CAPTAIN JINN and OBI-WAN ANDREWS are looking bored.

CAPTAIN JINN: I know! What do you say we walk about and observe the ship?
OBI-WAN ANDREWS: As you wish, Captain. Where shall we start?
CAPTAIN JINN: The boiler rooms.

R.M.S. TITANIC--BOILER ROOM 1

Two foreign stokers are concerned about the approach of the captain and his architect.

HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: An architect? Here?
EVEN HEAVIER ACCENTED FOREIGNER: We must contact Darth Ismidious!

(cue: 'Emperor's Theme' music)
Hologram inexplicably appears

DARTH ISMIDIOUS: The captain and his architect should not be here. They should not discover how the ship actually works. Destroy them immediately!

Hologram disappears. Music stops.

HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Yeah, destroy them. But let's not do it ourselves.
EVEN HEAVIER ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Who then?
HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Send in the third-class foreigners.
EVEN HEAVIER ACCENTED FOREIGNER: But aren't we foreigners too?
HEAVILY ACCENTED FOREIGNER: Just get on with it!

The captain and his architect are attacked but they valiantly fight off the foreigners and flee into the third-class corridors.

R.M.S. TITANIC--3RD CLASS CORRIDOR

OBI-WAN ANDREWS: I don't understand, Captain.
CAPTAIN JINN: What?
OBI-WAN ANDREWS: How could we have been attacked here? I thought the only evil people on the Titanic were in the first class!
CAPTAIN JINN: Yes, that disturbs me too. Be wary, my young architect.
Obi-Wan Andrews: Yes, Captain.
The men are startled by some shouts: various outburst of 'Yippee! This is so wizard' etc.

CAPTAIN JINN: What the --?

A small boy runs past the two, but the clumsy FAR FAR BREEZIO smacks right into the captain and knocks him down.

FAR FAR BREEZIO: Mesa Lovsa Yousa!
OBI-WAN ANDREWS: What's this?
CAPTAIN JINN (disdainfully) A foreigner!
OBI-WAN ANDREWS (to Far Far): Show us the way out of here!
FAR FAR: Buta mesa knowa notinga abouta Titanica!
CAPTAIN JINN: Neither did James Cameron, but that didn't stop him from making money off it!

R.M.S. TITANIC--3RD CLASS DECK

Amidala is exploring the third class in casual clothes. As she wanders the deck she sees a boy of about 9 years sitting on the bench, staring at her.

JACKIE: Are you an angel?
AMIDALA: What?
JACKIE: An angel. I've heard all the foreigners talking about them. They live in heaven?I think.
AMIDALA: You're a funny little boy.
JACKIE: I'm not a little boy! I'm an artist and my name is Jackikan. But ever

 

Lol!!
This story is just as funny as it was the first time I read it!
Great job, Naboo Queen!

 

Great stuff! I know of a story that is a cross between Star Wars OT and the new stuff, and Robin Hood: Men in Tights. That was good, I might post it here. I loved this though this was great! Post more comical movie crossovers maybe...I don't know! Think of something! Can't wait to read more of your comical stories!

 

Thank you for the comments. I'm glad you had fun.

 

unless you have an obnoxious son who keeps saying 'Let go of your hate.'

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG......

I laughes SOOOO long....ohhhh....

*laughs more, then face turns red, and she grinds out Okay, breathing is important, I think....

*sucks in a violent breath and accidentally sucks Jackie in too, and swallows before she notices.*

Whoa...how'd I do that?

*everyone cheers, and she half smiles as she blushes*

*then she gets really bad indigestion and wanders off in search of a Jedi healer.*

Anyways....good job. Love "The Sith will go on."

 

Here's the Director's Cut

ICE-COLD MENACE: The Director's Cut

This starts after Obi-Wan Andrews and Captain Jinn meet Far Far in the third class corridor.

R.M.S.TITANIC-THIRD CLASS CORRIDOR

FAR FAR is leading OBI-WAN ANDREWS and CAPTAIN JINN through the halls of the 3rd class. OBI-WAN ANDREWS gets frustrated and sets out on his own. Finally they run into JACKIE outside his cabin.


FAR FAR: Jackie! Mesa sosa glada thata wesa finda yousa.
JACKIE: I'm glad to see you too. The 3rd class is very, VERY DANGEROUS! C'mon!
FAR FAR: Thanka yousa Jackie. Isa thinka . . .
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: (interrupting angrily, giving FAR FAR a smack on the head) Oh cut out that insulting fake Italian accent! (Makes a fist threatening him) You know sometimes I . . .


CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN stops abruptly when the door to the cabin opens. SHMI appears.
Immediately CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN'S expression turns innocent and humble.


QUI-GON JINN: I am Qui-Gon Jinn. Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.


SHMI smiles.


R.M.S. TITANIC-THIRD CLASS CABIN


JACKIE is talking to CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN, and showing him his various things.


JACKIE: I'm an artist you know.
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: Really! So what do you draw?
JACKIE: Oh you know, the usual . . . lonely people, ugly hands, naked prostitutes . . . I show them to my girlfriends.
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: They like this?
JACKIE (grinning) Women really, REALLY dig it!


CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN nods thoughtfully and steals JACKIE'S portfolio when he's not looking. After dinner, CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN approaches SHMI.


CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: (placing hand on her shoulder, speaking softly) Mrs. Skywalker?
SHMI: (smiling gently) Please, call me Shmi.
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: (looking lovingly at her) Very well . . .Shmi. Could I . . .I want to show you some pictures I drew.
SHMI: (meeting his gaze shyly) All right.


SHMI flips through the portfolio.


SHMI: (serious and thoughtful) These are good. Very good.


R.M.S. TITANIC-POOP DECK


CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN is standing on deck, one leg awkwardly propped on the railing.
SHMI comes up to him and smiles in greeting. He smiles back.


CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: You should be proud of your son.
SHMI: Yes. He gives without any thought of reward.
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: Uh . . .OK. So, is there a Mr. Skywalker?
SHMI: (low voice) No.
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: (trying to sound casual) Ah. Well, who was his father?
SHMI: Uh, . . . uh . . .there was no father. Yes, that's right. It just, uh, happened. I can't explain it.
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: (nodding thoughtfully) I see.
SHMI: (brow puckering) Do you think the 1.5 billion Christians now living will be
uncomfortable if I use that as my excuse?
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: (answering in a soothing voice) Don't worry. Just insult their intelligence by assuming they don't know anything about ancient mythology, ruffle their feathers more by misusing the term 'immaculate conception,' then condescendingly tell them that they'll feel better once they 'study more'(he places a hand on her shoulder).
SHMI: (sighing gratefully, covers his hand with hers, breathes) Thank you.


QUI-GON and SHMI share several intimate moments-the highlight of which is when he stands her up on the deck and makes her spread her arms as though she is flying. Following that moment they share a first kiss, then retire to CAPTAIN QUI-GON'S cabin.


R.M.S.TITANIC-CAPTAIN'S CABIN


SHMI: I want you to draw me.
QUI-GON: (bored) Sure.
SHMI: Wearing this bracelet.
QUI-GON: (distracted) OK.
SHMI: Wearing only this bracelet.
CAPTAIN QUI-GON JINN: (his interest finally peaked) If you insist!


SHMI walks into the parlor wearing an oriental robe. She undoes her hair. It falls about her in cascading curls. QUI-GON gestures to the couch. SHMI removes her robe.


Cue: "My Heart Will Go on" piano version


fade to black as the movie degenerates into cheap, soft-core pornography.

THE END

AFTERWARD:
The critics hail the Director'

 

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

I loved the "The Sith Will Go On" song. That was a hoot!

I'm at the library, and my neighbors are giving me a glare because I spilled water on the computer desk.

 

LOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!!!!!!

That was great, Naboo Queen. I think I've read this before though.

~Swede