Unknown Roads: Qui-Gon's Journey to Knighthood **Completed 4/3**

Whoo, looking good!

I'm intrigued by these glimpses of Qui-Gon a young and impetuous man, unsure of what the future might hold for him.

Qui-Gon is by far, my favourite character of TPM, it was just a complete thrill to see a healthy adult Jedi Knight in the prime of his life and powers. And Liam Neeson to play him: an interesting counterpoint to his role as Gawain in Excalibur.

Do keep it up, Musicalla, I am a faithful reader!

*Derisa*

 

Thanks for the replies! And more for your dedication...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

?Uncertain, you are, about your future and your feelings.?

Qui-Gon looked up to see Master Yoda in front of him, leaning on his walking stick. He nodded slowly, knowing he could hide very little from the diminutive Master. ?I feel emptied, like I have shed my last tear and am incapable of feeling anything else any more. I shouldn?t have been as close to my master as I was. I?m afraid if I leave, I won?t be able to bring myself to come back.?

Yoda sat down next to him on the bench, absorbing the sound that created the ambiance of the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Water flowed with melodic tones, and occasionally the leaves rustled from fan-generated wind. However, the effect was realistic enough. ?Regret your bond, you should not. Close to your master you were, and apologize for that you never should.?

Qui-Gon shook his head gently. ?I feel insufficient for what I?m to become. I thought I could control my emotions, letting them teach me instead of overwhelm me. I feel uncomfortable in the Temple, my home as long as I can remember. There are too many memories here now.?

Yoda smiled gently, a rare expression for him. ?Listen, you do not. With age, understanding comes. Memories, you will overcome. Grieving, you are. Bad, emotions are not, but painful they can be. Too young to be set loose from your master, you are.?

?I?m glad you have confidence in me.? Yoda could sense the padawan withdraw into himself, although he didn?t know what the younger Jedi was thinking. Qui-Gon?s gray-blue eyes became distant as they blurred with unshed tears.

?Proven to me, my confidence is. Anything you can?t handle, the Council won?t give. Fail you, your training will not. Here is the Council and the other Jedi, if need us you do. A little faith, you must have, all that is,? Yoda nodded with certainty. He jumped down from the bench, obviously not needing his gimmer stick. ?With you always, the Force is.? Then he turned and left Qui-Gon alone, fading quickly into the vegetation.

Qui-Gon sighed as he watched Yoda disappear. He lay down on the bench looking up at the blue sky and the artificial sun, although he didn?t really see. The Jedi Master?s words still tumbled in his head, making little sense. Yoda usually talked in riddles, unless he simply used his walking stick to make a point.

His words didn?t make sense. Yoda said that he shouldn?t regret his bond with his master, how close they were. Yet now, the grief from losing him threatened to sweep Qui-Gon away. He was afraid to completely let go of them, for fear they would dominate him until he couldn?t take it any more. Qui-Gon Jinn knew, in that deepest place within himself where he could admit such things, he was afraid love, to trust, another person for fear of being betrayed and left alone again. That seemed to be Yoda?s message, though; he shouldn?t regret what he had, even if it caused him suffering now. Perhaps that was why he had to connect to someone else now.

The padawan could sense that this was part of his training. He was emotionally imbalanced, an uncomfortable situation for someone who was suppose to trust his feelings insofar as to use them to base other judgments upon. But he could only trust those feelings if they were pure and unbiased by other things? such as the death of one?s master. This student?s master was also lost to her. How was he supposed to help her if he couldn?t even help himself?

Yoda said he trusted Qui-Gon?s training. That seemed to be the least enigmatic of his statements. Qui-Gon personally agreed with part of that statement; he believed his training would not let him down. The hindrance was not his training but himself. Did he have the discipline and strength to put this behind him to make decisions with a clear and neutral mind? Could he separate himself from his past to be able to take in the Force and not have memories of his master distract him? That?s what made it part of his traini

 

How on earth did I manage to miss a new story about Qui-Gon... one by Musical at that?!?

Gosh, what a sad beinginng. Qui looses his Master and feels overpowered by his emotions. Love the idea that the Council would decide to put him as mentor over a troublesome student.

Am I too late to offer...

Post often, post soon!!

 

You are never too late for that, Leona! I wondered when you would appear...

 

Wouldn't pass a story by you dear Musical.

Too bad I missed my chance to add a reply in comforting Qui.

 

i have looked hi and low for Qui fics as a padawan or knight, finally resigning myself to Obi fics with Qui as the aloof Master. I am glad i found your fic Musical J keep it upped, i'll keep reading **i had tears streaming down my face** 7

 

I made you cry? That is an honor. Not to say that you ought to feel bad... Just that my writing can be powerful enough to evoke such reactions... It makes me so happy to check my thread to see I'm not just talking to myself.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Qui-Gon watched as the flames licked carefully at the inert form of his master. They had formed a fitting kind of shroud over Riley, folding over him like soft, vibrantly colored blankets, warming his last sleep. Then, the fire would crack and hiss and pop, making evil sounds in the quiet room, restless in the death of a Jedi. The moment would pass, as everything was as it should be again, or as close as it would ever be. Qui-Gon hugged his arms to himself, drawing in his outer robe closer, despite the oppressive heat from the pyre.

The padawan was comfortably numb for the moment. He felt hollowed out, as if he?d shed every last tear in his being, felt every range of betrayal and loss and grief, watched every memory too many times. He wanted with an intense desire he?d never experience before to be able to leave, not to watch as his master?s body was returned to its origin. ?Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,? he whispered inaudibly to himself. However, he couldn?t muster the courage to leave the small room. Qui-Gon understood his master was dead; watching as his body was cremated to have the ashes put to rest in the Honorarium, an eternal flame lit next to an onyx plaque with his name, was merely reaffirmation of what he knew. But the knowledge never touched his heart.

The room was oppressive in its own way. There were heavy scents in the air, the smell of ritual to cover the more acrid scent of the burning of a person. Qui-Gon took a deep breath, feeling the heady perfume seep into his lungs, almost overwhelming. The fire popped, sending a plume of sparks into the air only to drift back again.

That is what I am, Qui-Gon decided. A drifting point of light, separated from that which I thought would always be there. Lost in a world not to its understanding. Perhaps I can learn, though. Perhaps some day I?ll be able to pass my spark of fire to someone else. Perhaps some day I?ll live to know my master?s regrets, to know I won?t be there when I?m needed and longed for, that someone else will hurt because I no longer walk among them. He shivered slightly at the thought, feeling suddenly cooler in the warm room. May that never be, he decided.

It was such an odd feeling to be so acutely aware of his own mortality. Death had always been something he was aware of, but never really acquainted with. Jedi his master had known had died. Qui-Gon had even been to the ceremony of a padawan who?d died in an accident, a remote associate from his classes. But this wasn?t the same. He?d never known the visage of the person upon the pyre in the expression of anything except smooth silence, the quiet of sleep and stillness. Riley?s face, however, had rarely been in the expression it now wore. His eyes had always sparkled with amusement or cunning, a deep, encompassing intelligence glowed behind his eyes and in his face, the apparent consideration of all things; a mind that never stopped. Never had his master been this still, not until death had taken his liveliness.

There was no way around it. This was an ending, a good-bye. Qui-Gon felt his heart wrench at that thought, and his numbness was suddenly replaced by a rush of wordless sadness and grief. Although it felt like a dream, he knew he wouldn?t wake up. Every time, he would wake up alone, a masterless padawan. He was alone for whatever reason that had been divined for this turn of events. It was the ultimate farewell, the unforeseen, tears-upon-cheeks, one last cry of affection type of good-bye that happened to one person in a million. Qui-Gon was the lucky one, or perhaps the damned one, the one personality who would be shaped by it, finding strength within instead of without, understanding in what made him different from everyone else in his thoughts, perceptions, relatio

 

Jane Jinn : The post, I didn't even think of that. Thanks, we have a few weeks to get this thing done, but gathering the info is slow going.

Greencat336 : Marnie's stories can be found on her webpage:
http://www.hrafn.btinternet.co.uk/stolenones.html
Be sure to check out her fan novel "The Stolen Ones" She's still working on it, but she has quite a bit done and I think it's fantastic!

Now on to the story. So much sadness and uncertainty for poor Qui-Gon, I can't help but feel for his aloneness (is that a word?). Or rather his perceived aloneness. I really liked Yoda coming out and telling him that the council and other Jedi were here for him. Grief can be so overwhelming that sometimes it is hard to see the helping hands around one. I'm intrigued by this padawan they want Qui-Gon to mentor and looking forward to the meeting.

 

What a wonderful pair of posts, Musicalla. Heart-wrenching, in so many ways.

One of the problems with posting on a schedule such as I've set myself is that I can't always take the time to check and reply to the stories I'm following. Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this one.

You are doing a wonderful job, Musicalla, this is a really great story, and I'm leaving each post with some questions answered and more questions rising to take their place.

Keep it up!

*Derisa*

 

I've got to watch this more carefully, I almost missed a post! Your writing is so powerful, and I'm amazed sometimes at the wisdom that you convey. I liked the part where Qui-Gon was thinking that Yoda's message was for him not to regret what he'd had, even if it was painful now. And the way where he was reflecting that his master had never been this still until death had taken his liveliness. Wow.

I can also appreciate Qui-Gon's concerns about the consequences if he should fail this task; possibly destroying another person's life. I can't wait to see what happens!

 

I wouldn't call it so much wisdom as experience...

 

Qui-Gon hadn?t truly slept since the night his master died. Something completely encompassing seemed to have taken hold of him, making him somewhat numb. He didn?t know exactly what to feel, having felt more emotions in the last few days that he thought he had the capacity to experience. It was a burden that he couldn?t carry any more, and some how, he?d given the burden up, at least for a while. Part of him raged, knowing that that was the wrong course of action, but he didn?t know what else to do. Perhaps his charge would help him with his demons.

Today was the day he was supposed to meet her. Qui-Gon had been given a data chip on her, but the information upon it was rather sketchy at best. It was proof that there was little information on those that led normal lives within the Temple. His own file must be enormous from the last few days.

The chip had given her a name, Aislinn Kieran, and her master?s name was Nevan Shae. She was intelligent according to her class records, as well as adept at saber fighting. She was only three years younger than Qui-Gon. He was uneasy about the assignment, but the Council knew best. Or, if not that, knew better than he did. She had withdrawn from her usual peer group when she found out about her master?s captivity about a week and a half ago. She had become increasing unreceptive and antisocial to the point that the Council had stepped in, making Qui-Gon her mentor. Unfortunately, he still felt rather inadequate.

Closing his eyes, Qui-Gon settled into the middle of his sitting room, focusing on the Force. He searched the Force for answers on his new friend, although it was irritatingly silent. Whatever he was supposed to accomplish, apparently the journey was part of the task. It was as nebulous as the stars, though. While he was provided coordinates or a map when piloting the skies, this area was unmapped. He was making it up as he went along. So, he simply mentally noted the problem for future reference.

He ventured within himself, still feeling the rolling tide of the Force. This path was thornier, his emotions still very much entangled from the death of his master. He reflected upon the pain and betrayal of his master?s death, trying to release the emotion from him into the Force. However, when he tried, he felt as if he were being sheared from the emotion with a knife, and it throbbed and hurt him even more deeply than the emotion himself. It?s too soon, Qui-Gon realized, as he bathed the wound with the Force. It soothed the pain, and he silently gave thanks to the Force, seeking guidance into how he could use the pain to make himself better. That was the Jedi way, to use painful experiences for wisdom and understanding of the Force itself.

The chrono in the room chimed, and Qui-Gon ended his meditation. It was time to meet Aislinn.

 

I'm really enjoying this, I feel Qui's pain and aloneness *is that a word* keep up the good work. 7

 

Perhaps loneliness is the word you're looking for.

 

Experience? Oh, dear, I am sorry.

I really liked your description of Qui-Gon feeling somewhat numb, as though he was not capable of feeling any more emotions after having experienced so many recently, and how he was not yet capable of releasing his emotion to the Force because it was too soon. And now I'm interesting in meeting this Aisleen as well.

 

Can't imagine being forced into another role so soon after losing his Master... and one where he's not the student. I sense that Aisleen and he may together find a way through their emotions.

Faboulous posts Musical!!

 

And the moment everyone's been waiting for...
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?You fought very well,? Qui-Gon began, walking towards her. ?My name is Qui-Gon Jinn, and the Council has asked me to assist you.? She stood alone in the middle of the arena watching his approach. She had gone very still at the sight of him, and now, although she looked calm, Qui-Gon could feel slight tension and uneasiness at his advance. As he drew near, he could see her tunic was covered in sweat and small curls had formed around her hairline from the saltwater, framing her deep, gray eyes. They reminded him of a stormy ocean he?d seen on one of missions with Riley.

?So you?re the one they?ve sent to tame me,? she said quietly, her voice quiet and melodic. She shook her head, her braid bouncing across her back. ?The Council thinks it will all be better if I have someone to watch over me.? Her eyes suddenly shifted from stormy waters to harsh stone. Toying with her saber with long fingers, she looked at him as if challenging him to defy what she had said.

?I suspect I won?t make things any easier,? Qui-Gon replied demurely, ?but neither will you make things easier for me.? He had to admire her spirit. She didn?t seem as unbalanced as he felt, unless it was all a front. However, it was rather presumptuous for him to think he could figure out and understand her within the first minutes of meeting her.

?Make things easier for you? I?m afraid I don?t follow.? She slowly began walking away from the center, obviously assuming Qui-Gon would follow her. Aislinn clipped her saber to her belt and grabbed one of the towels, wiping the sweat from her neck and face. ?I thought this was for my benefit,? she snorted contemptuously, ?since my master is being held hostage and may never return.?

?My master is dead and will never return,? Qui-Gon echoed quietly. Aislinn turned around to studying him, her hand pausing as she continued to wipe the damp from herself. They stood there for a long moment, sizing each other up emotionally.

?Then at least we are agreed,? Aislinn said finally, turning away to head towards the girls? locker room for a shower. ?Neither of us want the other, because you can?t be my master, and I can?t be yours.?

?How optimistic,? he replied wryly, but she didn?t hear, or perhaps didn?t listen, having already gone into the locker room.

With a heavy sigh, he sat on the ground outside the door, waiting for her to reappear. Hating to admit this, Qui-Gon didn?t have a very optimistic feeling about this little task. He had the sinking feeling that there was more to this than appeared at first glance. On the data pad, it was simple: help the girl through her rough time and in the process make life easier for the people who had to deal with her. Perhaps if he was lucky, he would benefit from her presence as well.

Still, he couldn?t make it that simple where he was, sitting outside the girls? locker room, stinging a little at her cutting commentary. The padawan sighed, rubbing his temples. He didn?t know what he?d gotten himself into. Obviously, the Council had faith in his abilities, or they wouldn?t have chosen him. But Qui-Gon lacked that confidence himself. Perhaps that was what this was all about. He was still a complete person without his master, whether or not his training was complete. And perhaps it was truly complete. It might be true that he only needed confidence.

Still, confidence wasn?t something that he could just convince himself he had. Qui-Gon stood up, restlessly stirring about the arena. He itched to understand and being acting already, doing something to prove himself, whether to the Council, to her, to his dead master, or to himself. Inactivity and ignorance frustrated the padawan, even though experience had taught him that the need to do something without enough thought or information beforehand could prove to have perilous results.

Discipline. Always discipline. Calming himself, Qui-Gon Jinn bent down to kneel on the floor. He immersed himself in the Force, drawing on

 

Qui-Gon's got his work cut out for him, she has a real lousy attitude, well at least Qui knows to draw on the force for patience. 7

 

I guess I feel a little bad because I just kind of alluded to something wtih Jane Jinn, but didn't explain myself properly. Although, I'm telling you all this to show where I'm trying to come from with this fic, not sympathy or anything like that. See, my mom died when I was ten (eight years ago) and at some point I had the thought that the same things I felt must be what a padawan would feel if his master died. Qui-Gon seemed the best subject (he's so empathetic and understanding. Why is that?), so this developed. The isolation is there, plus the personal journey. It makes a stronger person of you, if you aren't crushed. And sometimes both happens. And now, for what I know you really want to read... And yes, there's a bit of myself in both Aislinn's harshness and Qui-Gon's more rational approach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

?You?re still here,? Aislinn said, shaking her damp hair and sending water droplets flying. Qui-Gon looked up at the girl towering over him, looking somewhere between bemused and annoyed. ?I see patience is something you have picked up in your years as a student here in the Temple.? Her voice was twisted with sarcasm, given the fact patience was harped into the students. Patience was learned if nothing else.

?Why should I leave? I?m supposed to be here. Besides, I have nothing else to do,? Qui-Gon replied, still trying to remain cool. It was obvious she was trying to goad him, and to his eternal irritation, it was working. ?Go back to an empty set of quarters? I think not.?

She frowned at the mention of empty quarters. ?Well, consider it this way. You haven?t lost a master; you?ve gained a guest room.? Aislinn turned to leave, but Qui-Gon stood and caught her shoulder. Whirling quickly, she brushed his hand off and glared at him. Through the Force, Qui-Gon could feel that the gesture was not so much in anger, as it appeared, but pain and torment with no outlet. His frustration began to slip away. ?I didn?t ask for your help. I didn?t ask for anyone?s help. No one asked me if I really wanted to become a Jedi or have my master taken hostage. No one asked you to sweep in and try to fix everything.?

Qui-Gon spread his hands apart disarmingly, although he still stung from her words. ?I don?t know if I can sweep in and fix everything, Aislinn. That?s not why I am here.? She shook her head violently and gave him a sharp push. He had to resist the temptation to shove her back.

?Then leave! Don?t replace Nevan! Go back to the Council and tell them he is coming back and this is all unnecessary! Go!? She turned quickly, though not before Qui-Gon saw tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. Aislinn hurried ungainly across the arena, somewhere between walking and running. Then she turned the corner and disappeared.

?Kriff!? Qui-Gon yelled in frustration, turning around as he ripped the data pad from its holder on his belt and flung it across the arena as hard as he could. It skittered across the floor and came to rest again the far wall with a sickening crunch and a shower of crystals. He didn?t even care he?d destroyed the pad.

Aidan stuck his head out of the locker room and looked around with wide eyes. He saw Qui-Gon and hesitantly stepped out from behind the safety of the door. ?Are you all right?? he asked, sharing his attention between the older padawan and the remains of his data pad.

?Oh fine, fine,? Qui-Gon replied with a sigh, his sudden outburst leaving only dull frustration. ?I?m making quite a little mess of things all by myself.? He walked over to the remnants and began gathering them together, thankful that the chip on Aislinn was still intact. He threw everything but the chip away.

?You were talking with Aislinn, weren?t you?? Aidan asked, creeping towards Qui-Gon. When he stood, the small padawan shied away as if afraid he?d be struck. ?Actually, I already know the answer to that. I could hear you.? He chuckled a little uneasily. ?She?s a pistol, that?s for sure.?

?You?re telling me,? Qui-Gon replied flatly.

Aidan?s

 

That's happened to me several times, that I lash out and hurt other people with words because I myself am hurting inside. I understand that! I liked the picture that you showed us of Aiden, creeping around Qui-Gon as though afraid that the larger, older Padawan would take out his anger on -him-. I'm looking forward to seeing how Qui-Gon's next meeting with Aisleen goes, and how they gradually approach each other, or whatever you have planned.

It's hard to believe you're only eighteen. Your writing seems so much more mature than that.

 

Qui-Gon certainly does have his work cut out. *sigh*
Hmm, I never thought that the fact of being paired with a Padawan whose master had died may be taken by Aislinn as a sign that the Council believes her own will never return. I like that spark of frustration you showed with Qui throwing his data pad.

I agree with Jane Musical very well done!!

 

I'm glad you enjoy! Right now, I'm fuming at myself. I have a nice 45 minutes of nothing to do, and my disk with this fic on it is at home, safely in my computer's A drive...

 

Looks like Qui-Gon has quite a chore ahead of him and he doesn't seem to be feeling any more secure of his place than she does. I liked the little temper tantrum he threw, it's interesting to see Qui-Gon before he became the cool Jedi master we are all familiar with.

 

Sorry for the delay. I had to do another rewrite, and then yesterday I was gone from 7:00 am until 10:30 pm, only to have to do physics (part of which I couldn't do because he lectured on it today instead of yesterday when he assigned the thing ) and calculus. I apologize and hope that this will be pleasing to you.

* * *

As it turned out, she was neither in her rooms nor in the Room of a Thousand Waterfalls. It was early evening by the time he found her perched on a large rock situated on the beach beside the lake. Her legs were drawn up and her chin was resting on them as she watched the artificial sunset. Her gray eyes were stormy again, but he thought that this time it was because of thought and meditation. She watched him approach and sit in the sand next to the rock, turning to watch the sunset as well.

It was dark when she finally spoke to him. ?Would you believe me if I said I was sorry about this afternoon?? she asked quietly.

?No,? Qui-Gon replied, ?because it was obvious you meant what you said. However, I would forgive you for it. You are concerned for your master and afraid he will never come back.?

Aislinn looked down at him in surprise. He continued not to pay her any attention. ?You are right,? she said finally, playing with the edge of her tunic. ?I hear whispers in the halls when they think I can?t hear. He may be killed or kept prisoner for a long time if the rebels don?t get what they want.?

?But you have hope.?

She slid off the rock to stand in front of him. ?Hope? Is that what it?s called? I?m tired of being strong. I can feel his pain and terror in my mind when they torture him. He gets trussed up and dragged places for a show of strength. He?s tried to block it, but it?s too powerful. My master is afraid. My master! The man who?s supposed to be infallible and unbreakable! I?m supposed to pretend nothing is happening, that it will all be all right. But it won?t.?

His own heart ached. Qui-Gon wanted to scream at her, to tell her that she had the chance of seeing him again! The pain she felt must be better than the emptiness he found. At least he was there for her and she for him. Riley was gone, never to come back. The best situation in the world still left his name on the plaque and his flame burning merrily next to him, the world?s greatest farce. He couldn?t take the driving sadness, not now. If he broke down here, he was sure he would drag Aislinn with him. They had to make this work, somehow. ?Tell me? Tell me something happy. A memory from before, how he was.? His words were halting, delayed by emotion held back, and his tone was upset, the blood of grief on his lips.

A tremor shook Aislinn?s body, and then she was kneeling in the sand before him, her head buried in her hands. A choking sob tore from her throat as her torso trembled. Qui-Gon watched helplessly as sorrow overtook her. He reached out and tried to draw her safely in his arms, but she shied away, shifting to lean against the rock. They sat there a long time in silence, her eyes drowned in tears and his heart heavy with anguish for both their losses. It was painfully deep, the outer layer of the knot within himself. He wondered if she felt the same, plagued by memories that would never exist again and empty of memories that could now never be made.

?He? He used to sing to me,? she said quietly. Her tears had begun to subside, though her face was still streaked with them. ?Nevan would walk around the rooms and sing to fill the space. It?s so dreadfully silent now!?

?I understand,? Qui-Gon said. ?Everything is the same, but somehow not. It?s in the silence of a room, or the missing calls to your quarters. More than that, it?s the regret of what will never be, what he will miss.? My knighting, He won?t be there to witness my Trials or welcome into the order.

?At least you have closure of some kind. I only know pain. You can grieve and eventually move on. I am trapped here, for now.? She chafed her arms. He reached out and touched her a

 

Oh, wow. I was so hoping that Aislinn would lay her head on Qui-Gon's chest, but I guess it's much too soon for that. I liked the way they were both thinking of the advantages of the other's situation; Qui-Gon thinking of Aislinn's hope and the fact that her master -could- come back, and Aislinn thinking of the fact that Qui-Gon could grieve and then move on because he had no uncertainty. And I liked the way that she was upset because her master was afraid, and she had always seen him as being infallible and unbreakable. You make the characters so real.