Vector Prime humorous version -SPOILERS

*holding sides and laughing* This is soooo good. Now I just need it to come out in paperback (gasp!) so I can buy it in good conscience to re-write for the serious version.

 

heheh. Need any new authors? I *LOVE* this.

Please tell me well see Thrawn here.

The morally obscure.

"Lucasfilm made me a genius and never DID mess up my character...."

"...however damnit I never got the chance to kick *** in VotF...what a letdown with the clone!"

hehe.

Come on.

 

[Anyone is welcome to post...]

[As the fans have reached a rare consensus that VP was deficient in L-M mushiness, the following vignette is brought to you by your friendly neighborhood chapter of the Extremist Cranks' Association ....]

Mara slams the door. She is obviously in a lousy mood.
Luke: "What's the matter?"
Mara: "If you don't know already, I'm not going to tell you."
Luke: "Know what?"
Mara: (glaring at him) "Don't you remember what day it is today?"
Luke: "Tuesday...?"
Mara: "It's our fifth anniversary! No flowers, even! You didn't remember!"
Luke: (desperately) "Yes, I did!"
Mara: (suspiciously) "You did?"
Luke: "Yeah...and I even got you a present...I just haven't given it to you yet..."
Mara: (surprised) "What is it?"
Luke goes to the closet and retrieves a large pasteboard box, which he gives to her.
Luke (apologetically) "I didn't get time to wrap it..."
Mara: (uncertainly) "What's this...?" (reading the box's label) "EXOTIC NOVELTY CO. POMOJEMA CITY, MIMBAN..."
Luke: "Open it..."
Mara opens the box and lifts the contents out of it. "A slave girl costume?"
Luke: "Yeah..."
Mara: (astounded) "THIS is your idea of an anniversary gift...?"
Luke: "It's a complete replica of the outfit you were wearing when we first met..."
Mara just stares at him...
Luke: "I thought we could celebrate by recreating the Jabba's palace episode...though I had a different denouement in mind, of course..."
Mara: "Oh, that's so romantic....!"
Luke: (to himself) "...whew..." (to Mara) "Thought you'd like it...want to try it on? Luckily, they had your size...I'll get my Jedi robes..."
Mara: "Sounds like a plan to me..."
About half an hour later, Mara comes out of the fresher wearing the costume.
Mara: (twirling around) "You like?"
Luke: (tries to speak, but doesn't quite make it)
Mara: (amused) "That's a dynamite imitation of a guppy, Luke--I bet you're a great hit at parties..."
Luke: (he finally gets it out--rustily) "...you look...great..."
Mara: "You don't look so bad yourself...now if we're going to play the Jedi Master and the Slave Girl, you'll need a pick-up line--think of something suave..."
There is a rather long pause--finally he says, with an effort, "Hey, gorgeous, wanna improvise...?"
Mara: (sotto voce) "That's your notion of suave...? (louder) "Why, Master!...are you trying to lead a poor girl down the road to sin and ad-libbery?"
Luke: "Yeah..."
Mara: "Yeah?...Yeah? Is that the best you can do?"
Luke: "Look, Mara, don't expect too much in the way of mental agility...that costume is a major distraction..."
Mara: "You never even noticed me in it the first time!"
Luke: "It's only in the profic version that I don't have a libido...I noticed you all right..."
Mara: (suspiciously) "Oh, yeah?"
Luke: "Yeah. I'll tell you all about it...but later...(he puts his arms around her)
Mara: (looking him in the eye) "You really didn't remember our anniversary, did you? You ordered this costume for me, all right, but it wasn't an anniversary gift..."
Luke: (well aware his life depends on not admitting a thing) "Yes, it was! I've been planning this for weeks...I swear..."
Mara: "Oh...okay..." (she puts her arms around him)
They look at each other for a few seconds.
Finally Mara says, inaudibly: "Nice save, sweetie..."
Luke: (also inaudibly): "Glad you liked it, hon..."
In the interest of maintaining our P-13 rating, we shall now draw a discreet veil over the rest of the anniversary celebrations....

 

Meanwhile, our two EU outcasts, Daala and Callista, have managed to find a sizable number of recruits on the planet Limbo.

DAALA (at recruiting desk): And your name is...?
RECRUIT: Well, I don't have a name per se... I was the second clone on the left in the third row, third section--
DAALA: Okay, I get the idea. You're enlisted.

The recruit gives Daala a very poor salute and saunters off to a small group of his peers.

CALLISTA: I think we've got more than enough new recruits.
DAALA (standing): One more stop, and then we contact Skywalker.
CALLISTA (suspiciously): And this last stop is what?
DAALA: The Dead Zone.
CALLISTA: Why? What's there that's so all-fired urgent and important?
DAALA: Mitth'raw'nuruodo.
CALLISTA: Bless you. Do you need a Kleenex?
DAALA (getting exasperated): Grand Admiral Thrawn, you bimbo!
CALLISTA: Oh... I get it! But do you really think he'll come with us? I mean, he's the darlin' of profic...
DAALA: But he's been dead for years, and even profic wouldn't drag him back from the dead again.
CALLISTA (darkly): Don't be so sure... I mean, how many times have they brought some form of the Death Star back? Or another idiotic superweapon?
DAALA: Hey! Excuse me, I had no choice--
CALLISTA: Sorry... I didn't mean it like that...
DAALA: Anyway, we can at least try this. If it doesn't work out, we go find Luke and Mara.

A thought suddenly occurs to Daala.

Um, you are going to be cool with, you know, the Skywalker union? 'Cause if that's going to be a problem...
CALLISTA: It won't be. Honest, no hard feelings towards Jade. Well, okay, that's a lie, but... I won't kill her or try to steal Luke. Or at least I'll try not to do either of those things. You have my word.
DAALA: Okay... I guess. Come on, let's load up the troops and hightail it to the Dead Zone...

 

(cool dudes)

<Grand Admiral Thrawn silently adjusts his Mara Jade, Lara Croft, other hot girls of recently flesh given fictionality, collection in his office.>

Thrawn: There Admiral Pellaeon. I can now study the main motivator force behind the drooling mass of the Star Wars fans Lucasfilm is trying to appeal to.

Pellaeon: Horny adolescents males sir?

Thrawn: Like there was any other kind.  Have you been gathering the troops from the Dead zone for our escape?

Pellaeon: Xizor to Cloned Emperor I, II, III, to Dark Jedi....

Thrawn: Did any of the Dark Jedi refuse?

Pellaeon: Sir they're all rip offs of Darth Vader down to the scary mask and the telekinetic kill.  Frankly that annoying Brakhiss fellow wants only some OTHER way to mindlessly kill subordinates in movie fashion from the Evil Empire.

<Thrawn looks at Pellaeon>

Thrawn: Is HE joining us? The man's a children's book character who somehow escaped into the ongoing series, thus rendering the entire godawful series cannon.

Pellaeon: I know sir. I don't think he's quite aware how much they've done for the twerp as a favor to KJA.  Sir, no offense, I've had to endure quite a few indignities in the series....

Thrawn: Like being paired up with an attractive promisicuious Admiral half your age....

Pellaeon: Oh don't start that again! God, honestly I was a dignified Imperial captain in charge of the Empire I believed in then *pow* I'm slaughtering star destroyers and killing the rest of the leadership in a direct rip off from James Bond....

Thrawn: I must admit that was rather amusing...

Pellaeon: Amusing! Ha! I get the bum job of surrendering the Empire and get stuck in the deep Core as YOU apparently have been keeping me in the dark about some menace in the Unknown Regions. Did our relationship mean nothing?!

Thrawn: Ummmm Captain....

Pellaeon: Admiral! That's the only thing good that came out of this mess! Not to mention....

Thrawn: OH like *I* haven't suffered! I'll tell you everyone may think Timothy Zahn is a great author but what he did to satisfy the fanboys about my past is unforgivable...

Pellaeon: Oh please...

Thrawn: One word....FLIM...

<there's a knocking at the door>

 

LMM and CDRO look at each other nervously as they walk down the long corridor leading to Da Boss's office. Upon entering, they see that Da Boss is sitting on his throne in front of a circular, multi-paned window modeled after a TIE Fighter's viewport. As usual, all that is visible is the rear of his high-back chair although his generous abdomen can be seen spilling out to one side. It appears to be covered in brown fur.

LMM: (stammering) "Y-y-you sent for us?"
DaBoss: "Correct. I've been trying to get a hold of Stackpole but he's nowhere to be found. Have you lost track of him? I didn't like the way that last meeting went and I want to see him grovel before we give him another cent."
CDRO: "U-uh s-sir, we've had him in the lab the last few days ... for reprogramming."

The chair swivels around ominously silent as DaBoss eyes his henchmen with an intent, confused look. To their horror, they realize that he is wearing his 4XL Ewok costume again. Terror sweeps over them as they fight back the urge to burst out laughing. They know that to do so would mean a swift but painful death by Force lightning. Their effort at holding in the giggling makes them jiggle and shake.

DaBoss: "I thought he had been sufficiently programmed the last time we had him in our lab." he spat out with more than a touch of contempt. "What is the problem this time?

LMM tries in vain to swallow the lump that was growing in his throat and remains silent.

CDRO (with difficulty): "The chip we implanted didn't have the capacity that would cover every eventuality we wanted it to. Too many readers have seen Vector Prime for what it is, a rushed throw away story thriving on hype alone and we've taxed Mr. Stackpole too much in defending it. We wouldn't use him so frequently but the fanboys we have out there aren't able to change anyone else's minds on the forums. Mike needed reprogramming before the chip failed and he started thinking on his own ... again."
DaBoss: "LMM, didn't I select those implant chips personally?" he asks in an indignant, ever-angrier tone.
LMM finally manages to speak: "Y-y-yes sir, we had our agent in Japan get those older-model chips from the earthquake wreckage of that factory in Kobe Japan a few years ago just like you asked. Anything to save you some money..."
DaBoss: (uncomfortable pause) "So, are you implying that I made a poor decision?" he said, his anger in full evidence as sparks swarm over his furry, clenched hands..
LMM & CDRO in unison: "N-n-n-no sir!" they said in thoroughly cracked speech as they realized that they were nearly tricked into blasphemy. Rule number one is that DaBoss is always speaking 'Excathadra', especially when he is in his Ewok costume, and cannot possibly have faulty judgment.

DaBoss continues speaking in an increasingly booming voice as he swiftly goes into full blown tirade mode.

DaBoss: "I am never wrong, NEVER! I created Star Wars, I created the galaxy, I say what is canon and what isn't, I am the only one with the true vision ... my word is law! I am more powerful than you could possibly imagine ... "

DaBoss's tirade continues as dabbles of lightning fly sporadically from his hands and then his entire body. With considerable effort he stands upright, reaching to the heavens with both outstretched arms. Bolts curve to form a sphere of destruction around him which expands, traveling outward and destroying many of the items near his throne and desk including his favorite plastic lightsaber flashlight and 'Simon' electronic sequence game from which he drew inspiration for the film The Phantom Menace. His speech regresses into some sort of speaking-in-tongues which sounds like Huttese spoken by a glit-biting Twilek.

LMM and CDRO are just gawking, slack jawed, being paralyzed with fear, the air reeking of ionization and the uncomfortable tingles of residual electricity dancing all over their bodies. The speaking in tongues gets worse then pauses as DaBoss belts out an impressive rendition of Elmer Fudd's Wagnerian "Kill da Wabbit" with each line punctuated by the destruction of various models o

 

CDRO: (to LMM) "Kill da Wabbit?"
LMM: (shrugging) "That's usually what he sings when he has a mid-level tantrum...I can't understand why he's willing to advertise a rival franchise that way...let alone the fact that we'll soon have to pay Warner Brothers residuals if he keeps on singing it..."
CDRO: (staring) "You're kidding, right?"
LMM: "No, I'm not...he must have fried his synapses by watching "Duck Dodgers in the 23 ½ Century" once too often..."
CDRO: (swallowing) "Really...?"
LMM: (sighing) "Yeah...when he starts singing ?Carrots Are Divine' you know you have a low-level flare-up."
CDRO: "Carrots Are Divine?"
LMM: "Yeah, you know, the one that goes..." (singing) "Oh, carrots are divine, You get a dozen for a dime, It's maaaaaaaagic...."
CDRO: (edging away) "Oh, THAT one..."
LMM: (sighing) "Yeah, that one. Any mention of money, getting, spending or saving...is bad..."
CDRO: "And what does he sing during a high-level tantrum...?"
LMM: (shaking his head) "Dunno. He's never actually had one, thank God...the techies have warned us we'd never survive it..."
CDRO: "What sets him off?"
LMM: (sighing again) "I'm guessing that Skywalker must be consummating his marriage again. That always has a nasty effect on DB...."
CDRO: "So he's not always like this...?"
LMM: "It varies. The Ewok suit is always a bad sign..."
CDRO: "Why does he wear it...?
LMM: "He loves to remind himself of all the anti-marketing money he made from them."
CDRO: "How...?"
LMM: "The stuffed toy industry paid him zillions not to manufacture Ewok bears...they didn't want their product to be associated with something that lame..."
CDRO: "I get it...(he looks around) "How long before Mike's programming is finished? I'd like to get out of here in one piece..."
LMM: "Not too much longer...though there's a few fried synapses there, too..."

Back on Core-u-skank, Corran is rarin' to go...
Corran: (to Iella) "So where's my literary target..?"
Iella: "Corran, you still aren't thinking of leaning on him, are you?"
Corran: (laughing) "I don't need to..."
Iella: "What are you talking about?"
Corran: "You think I'm stupid, don't you, Iella?"
Iella: "Well...yes...."
Corran: "Ha! Corran Horn is a lot smarter than you think!"
Iella: (muttering) "You could hardly be stupider than I think you are..."
Corran: (enjoying himself) "See how I skillfully pretended not to know about my writer...I fooled everybody...even you..."
Iella: "What do you mean?"
Corran: "You know that sub-title?"
Iella: "What sub-title?"
Corran: "You know...'Star Wars: from the Adventures of Luke Skywalker'...
Iella: "What about it?"
Corran: "Before I'm through, it'll read: ?Star Wars: from the Adventures of Corran Horn."
Iella: "Corran, you're not a major character. Accept it."
Corran: "Before I'm through, I'll not only be a major character, I'll be the ONLY character...I'm all over the ?Union' comics...even though Skywalker and I despise each other...and so are other ?X- Wing' characters, the ones from my series, that is..."
Iella: "So...?"
Corran: "Well, slowly we're taking over...though it helps that Skywalker bolted after he got a load of the ringer I arranged to write his stuff..."
Iella: "You did?"
Corran: "Yeah. It's too bad he took Mara with him...I had plans for her..."
Iella: "What kind of plans...?"
Corran: "Well, I kinda envisaged it as...she rejects him and throws herself at my feet..."
Iella: "You're kidding, right?"
Corran: "No--then she and Leia start fighting each other--over me..."
Iella rolls her eyes...
Corran: "Mirax comes back, admits I'm perfect, begs for my forgiveness... then they start a three-way cat fight..."
Iella: (to herself) "Sometimes it's better not to know what's going on in what passes as his brain..."
Corran: (his eyes sparkling) "Then everybody who ever insulted me admit that a) I'm always right; and b) I should be King of the Galaxy..."
Iella: "Just King? What about Emperor?"
Corran: "Don't wanna be too piggy..."
Iella: (cordially) "Of course you don't."
Corran: "And that writer guy...he thinks he controls me. Ha! That's a joke! It's the other way around.

 

I just finished "I, Jedi," and all this is much more funny. I want to write a Corran Horn "over-confidence is your weakness" story, like the REAL ending to I, Jedi, where his not accounting for something actually gets him in trouble, not just having Luke show up to save his little butt. (And yet, I kinda liked the book. ACK! Help! I've been re-programmed!)

 

Oh, oh, oh!!!!!!! VP was SUCH a crap book, but i see now it's purpose in the world....for the utter piss to be taken out of it. YEAH BABY!!!

Keep it up spoof masters.

 

The two leaders of the Limbo Resistance Force (otherwise known as LRF, since everything else here has an acronym) are now within the Dead Zone, right outside the door of the legend-- Grand Admiral Thrawn. Callista and Daala carefully tuck in their shirts, button them to the top, slick back their hair, and put on very serious expressions before knocking on the door.

THRAWN: Come in...

The two women enter the room. Daala steps forward and begins to speak.

DAALA (cooly professional): Hello, Grand Admiral Thrawn, I--

Suddenly, she catches sight of Pellaeon, who has sunk into his chair. His ears are noticeably pink. Daala's eyes light up, and she quickly tugs at her shirt, unbuttons the top, fluffs her hair, and smiles seductively.

(intimately): Why, hellooo, Pellaeon. You remember me, right?

PELLAEON: Uh... how could I forget? Daala... it's, um, been quite awhile.

Daala smiles wider and crosses the room to where Pellaeon sits, and proceeds to make herself very comfortable in his lap. His face turns bright red.

DAALA (purring in his ear): Yes, it has been a while, hasn't it? What say we pick up where we left off...?

Pellaeon manages to look mortified and at the same time rather pleased. Callista and Thrawn exchange a glance. Thrawn raises a blue black eyebrow and smiles sardonically. Callista throws up both hands in exasperation.

CALLISTA: Ahem! I see YOU two need no further introduction...

DAALA: Oh, yeah. She's my friend, Callista.

PELLAEON: That's Thrawn.

THRAWN (dryly): Pleased to meet you, Callista. Not quite as pleased, however, as your friend seems to be in meeting Pellaeon.

Callista rolls her eyes and sighs.

CALLISTA (quietly): Daala, get off of him. Right now. There'll be plenty of time-- later.

Grumbling, the other woman stands and goes through the same process of straightening and buttoning blouse, tidying hair, and composing her face. She retreats behind Callista, still gazing at Pellaeon, who looks rather... distracted.

DAALA (to Callista): You can have Solo... this one's mine! (to Thrawn) As I was saying before I... was distracted, we are here representing the Limbo Resistance Force. We are staging a mutiny against profic, and we need allies. We were wondering if you'd be interested in joining us.

THRAWN (slyly): I don't know... (smiles) what do YOU think, Pellaeon?

PELLAEON: Wha--? Oh! Um...

Daala crosses her arms under her chest and raises her eyebrows at him.

Oh! Certainly... whatever Daala-- I mean, I think it's a great idea! (blushes profusely)

THRAWN: Actually, I agree with him... for different reasons, of course (this with another raised eyebrow at Daala). I've been basically ignored here... quite frankly, profic never did much for me... (stands) Okay, you've got a deal. Callista, perhaps you and I can discuss the matter further... it appears our friends have some catching up to do...

CALLISTA: Yeah... okay, Daala. I think I can handle this. You're free to go.

Daala and Pellaeon race out of the room together. Callista sighs, then settles down to business.

CALLISTA: Okay, so here's the deal...

When Pellaeon and Daala return an hour or so later, the Limbo/Dead Zone Alliance has been signed, and the Limbo/Dead Zone Resistance Force (LDZRF, pronounced lid-zerf) is formed...

 

Might I suggest a brief interlude whilst we?re in the Dead Zone? For your entertainment Mr. Fett here wishes to sing to you a rendition of this little ditty??

Profiction killed the legendary film.

The legend came to us in ?77 through,
It touched our lives in ways we never really knew,
Even now a second generation?s glued.

<Oh, OH!>

But I?m afraid we?ve found your greedy little flaw,
The profic notion dropped you crashing through the floor,
Your evil EU sent us gasping to the door.

<Oh, OH!>

You get our hopes up,

<Oh, OH!>

But then you rob us.

Profiction killed the legendary film.
Profiction killed the legendary film.

Exploit the film, we cannot bar,
You?ve let us down, you?ve gone too far.

<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>
<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>

<You sparked a revolution killing the wookie,
You broke our hearts but kept on taking our money.
Can?t you remember the way Star Wars used to be?>

<Oh, OH!>

Star Wars the top draw,

<Oh, OH!>

VP the last straw.

Profiction killed the legendary film.
Profiction killed the legendary film.

Exploit the film, we cannot bar,
You?ve let us down, you?ve gone too far.
Too FAR!

<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>
<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>
Aaaaaalll right.

Profiction killed the legendary film.
Profiction killed the legendary film.

Exploit the film, we cannot bar,
You?ve let us down, you?ve gone too far.
The novels came and weren?t the best,
So put all the blame on RAS.

We want?..real Star Wars?..
We want?..real Star Wars?..

Profiction killed the legendary film. <x7>

Profiction killed that legendary film,
Yes it did??


Honestly, it does work?..Oh, and my most humble apologies to The Presidents Of The United States Of America, but it just had to be done.

 

Man, I can't believe al the anti-EU sentiments. Zaz, you really made this great. Keep up the good work everyone.

P.S. If anyone fvcks with Leia again, they're getting hatemail. LOL I'm serious too. LEIA IS NOT THE BAD GUY.

 

Laura O. Solo,
We can't really have sacred cows in this thread. I mean, I really like Mike Stackpole as a Star Wars author but in this thread he takes his lumps, as does Corran, as do most of the characters. You can't get upset over these things, rather you have to roll with the punches and have a good laugh.

After all, it's only fanfic. Relax and enjoy.

--- Bror Jace, formerly Rogue 4

 

Meanwhile, at a top secret meeting;
"These stupid fanfic writers and their double posts!"

[This message has been edited by Opie Wan Cannoli (edited 12-29-1999).]

 

Meanwhile, at a top secret meeting;
"What's with all these LMMs and DROs? Whatever happened to Nom Nom Anor?"
"Oh, he got sick of us, bought out his contract, and went to be the bad guy in 'Galaxy Quest'"
"Really. And who are we?"
"Don't know. We're just here to get that wisecrack out."
"The one about Leia being a sacred cow?"
"Don't go there. Although, after three kids...."

 

Ok, I'll try something:

The LMM and CDRO, realizing that they are in trouble with DB, have a secret meeting:

LMM: There's nothing we can do! Nom Nom Anor and the Yub Yub Pong left to appear in Galazy Quest, Stackpole is in the factory for adjustment, our good writers are gone, and the bad ones are worthless!
CDRO: There is one source we haven't considered...
LMM: (desperate) What?!?
CDRO: If we gathered all the most loyal fans, told them about the AWOLs, and sent them to Naboo-
LMM: (sweating profusely) NEVER MENTION THAT NAME!!!!
CDRO: Oops. Anyway, if we sent them to that planet, then perhaps they could convince the AWOLs..
LMM: Those pathetic fans! Ha! They're only good for buying our products. The AWOLs loath them..
CDRO: What if they attacked the AWOLs? They are very rabid fans, you know.
LMM: Hmm...but would they attack their favorite characters?
CDRO: I don't know...
LMM: We can manipulate them somehow. Rabid SW fanboys and girls are very easy to control. Let's bring this to DB.
CDRO: If he finds out you had an actual idea that doesn't have anything to do with marketing...
LMM: don't worry...I'll present some more advertising oppurtunities for him...that should soften the blow..

Meanwhile, the combined Limbo/Dead Zone Resistance Force is about to leave for Naboo to join the AWOLs, when suddenly.

Janson: Hey, wait!!!
<two X-wing pilots rush to join the group>
Callista: Who are you?
Janson: I'm Janson.
Hobbie: I'm Hobbie.
Daala: Those are you real names?
Janson: I think my first name is Wes or something.
Hobbie: Umm, Derek, Derek, something.
Janson: But we've never been referred to by our full names since the script for ESB. We're trying to remember our names.
Thrawn: Hmm, I'm trying to remember who you are.
Hobbie: We're random X-wing pilots from the movies who are mentioned randomly in several EU books.
Janson: We're sick of being random X-wing jocks who get 2 lines a book and no character development.
Pellaeon: What about that whole father killing thing with Kell Tainer from X-Wing book 5?
Janson: Yeah, like they talked about me. 248910849 pages devoted to him and his stupid father's death, and my side of the story and feelings about it get 2 lousy pages...he even got the girl...die KELLL!!!!!!
Hobbie: <slaps Janson> sorry, it's the first time he's ever said more than 5 things in about 20 years. I think it's getting to him..
Daala: Great, you can come. But how do we tell you apart?
Hobbie: I'm blond, he has dark hair. I'm sure we'll develop actual personality traits once we get out of here.

 

I love it! More! More!

 

While they are considering a course of action, CDRO gives LMM a tour of the DRO headquarters...
CDRO: "And this is where we train our new recruits..."
He shows LMM a huge room full of eager fresh-faced young men and women, who are sitting there in rows listening to an instructor...
Instructor: "One of your many duties will be to answer question from fans...remember, the idea of this exercise is never to contradict them but to tell them nothing..."
All: "Yes, master!"
Instructor: "If they ask you about possible plot developments, you will say...what?"
All: "We haven't ruled it out!"
Instructor: "Good! And if they ask you if a minor character will be included in the story, you will say...?"
All: "We haven't ruled it out!"
Instructor: "Excellent! And if they ask whether a certain character will die, be killed, get married, reproduce, or fall to the Dark Side, you will say....?"
All: "We haven't ruled it out!"
Instructor: "Perfect!"
CDRO (to the Instructor) : "Now, what about complaints?"
Instructor: "We're working on that...though so far, we've managed by blaming it all on Bantam..."
LMM: (astonished) "Even the TPM novelization?"
Instructor: "Yeah...they WANT to believe we actually care what they think...so they'll quite literally swallow anything...at least, we think they do..."
CDRO: "Can you show us?"
Instructor: "Yes, we'll demonstrate...(to the class) "Now suppose I'm a fan," (the class laughs contemptuously) "and I contact you and say...'oh, I didn't like it when Chewie died'...what's your response...?"
Student #1: (an obvious keener) "We want to start a new story arc...no one is safe...anybody could die...our books are much darker...much grittier...you'll have to read each one..."
Instructor: "Yes!" (to a second student) "And you?"
Student #2: (unlike the rest, he is not so fresh-faced, and is wearing a beanie with a small propeller on it, which he twirls idly) "Hey, didn't the DROs and DB decide who was gonna die? Which means that it's unlikely anyone else will anytime soon...though give us three books or so, and Kyp ?My-Droid-is-Dead' Durron is obviously toast..."
Instructor: (patiently) "No, not that way. Try again..."
Student #2: "Well, we needed something to make Anakin feel guilty, and Han angry...so Chewie had to bite it...though if we had any realcourage, we would have made the kid actually responsible due to cockiness, arrogance or sheer cowardice. We didn't do any of those things...our devotion to darkness and grittiness being entirely relative, as you see..."
There is dead silence in the room...
Instructor: (pointedly ignoring him) "Ahem...can anyone tell me what to say when someone complains about the Yubyub Pong?"
Student #1: "You can't tell their motives from one book...they only SEEM like a completely generic scifi cliche...but they're really a completely generic scifi cliche with a taste for torture...we promise..."
Student #2: (twirling his propeller) "Yeah, they suck major, and the STMMs are suing us for plagiarism, though to be honest, they'll have to take a number..."
Instructor (glaring at Student #2): "Let's move on...and for your future reference, the phrase ?to be honest' is strictly forbidden...I don't wanna hear it again...now if anyone complains about the continuity problems with the Bantam books, you will say...?"
Student #1: "What continuity problems?"
Student #2: "You did nothing but complain about the Bantam books, and now you're b***hing because we're not like them? You didn't expect us to actually read them, did you...?"
Instructor: (grinding his teeth) "Next, if a fan complains about our writers, you will say..."
Student #1: "Our authors are famous and popular... and have hosts of fans..."
Student #2: "They do it for the exposure only--to increase sales on their other books--this is 'cause we're major cheapos and are not about to pay them either a decent salary or royalties...which rather limits our selection..."
Instructor: (desperately) "What will you say if a fan complains about Luke and Mara being described as devoted to each other in VP but behaving like complete strange

 

[Back from a Christmas break. Sorry Zaz, I didn't mean for you to read that bone chilling chat.]

On the way to join up with the AWOL characters on the forbidden planet of Naboo, there is a knock at Pellaeon's door.

Pellaeon: "Come in."
Daala enters the room looking all dolled up for an evening with Girad.
Pellaeon: "Daala, come in, we need to talk."
Daala (jumps up on his lap with a ****ty grin on her face): "What's up sugar daddy?"
Pellaeon: (gently pushes Daala off his lap): "Would you sit down in the chair facing me please?"
Daala (gets all pouty): "Okay."
Pellaeon: "Daala...Can I call you Daala?"
Daala: "You can call me whatever... and whenever you like."
Pellaeon: (rolls his eyes and sighs): "Daala, don't you ever want to be more than just a vacuous, bimbo floozie?"
(Daala just looks at him with a confused look on her face.)
Pellaeon: "Don't you ever want to be rid of the persona KJA created for you?"
(Daala still looks confused, her mouth hanging slightly open.)
Pellaeon: "That's the whole idea behind the character rebellion against the NJO. Throwing off the cliched stereotypes that we've been pigeon-holed into. Well?"
Daala (still confused): "Well, I never thought about it. Don't you like me anymore?"
Pellaeon: "It's not about that. It's about the way you've been acting."
Daala: "I thought you liked it when we.... you know...."
Pellaeon: "Well, yes. I am a man, with certain needs. But, I'll never be under you again.... Under your command."
(Daala starts to get a pouty look again.)
Pellaeon: "Listen Daala, you have a choice to make here. You can stop being the bimbo floozy and develop those tactical abilities you are supposed to have OR you can continue to be the bimbo. I'll accept whatever you decide."
Daala: "You mean we can still...."
Pellaeon: "Yes. However, either way, you are going to have to stop being such an irritant and act more demurely in public, you know seen-but-not-heard, unless you can speak 5 words of sense in one sentence. You can learn a lot from me and the Grand Admiral."
Daala (still slightly pouty): "Okay."
Pellaeon: "Go on now. You've got a decision to make."
Daala exits the room.

Hours later Admiral Pellaeon goes in to see Grand Admiral Thrawn, who is gazing at the pictures of most of the EU women.

Thrawn: "Tell me, admiral what do you see here."
Pellaeon: "Well sir, it looks to me pretty much like variations on a theme; copy's of an original mostly."
Thrawn: "Very good Admiral. You are getting better at these art analyses."
Pellaeon: "Thank you sir."
Thrawn: "All these women are either variations on Mara Jade, a variation on the Princess, or the typical male fantasy type. What does that tell you?"
Pellaeon: "Well sir, I'd say it's a lack of originality."
Thrawn: "Again, very good Admiral. There is a strong lack of originality on the part of the writers in coming up with good female characters who are smart and capable, but different from previous characters. The newest one carries the stamp of 'male fantasy' and has not been developed. I believe we can use this to our advantage."
Pellaeon: "What's next sir?"
Thrawn: "Next, we must study our true enemies to hone my stategy before presenting it to Mara and Luke."

 

*ROTFLMAO*

Oh god that was hilarious....

Thrawn humor...

Pellaeon and Daala...

Hahahha...

Oh boy

 

WARNING:

Reading this thread and drinking Diet Coke at the same time is detrimental to your computer keyboard.

does anyone have any Formula 409 I can borrow?

 

Oh. My. Goodness!!! My face hurts from smiling so much and I haven't laughed this hard in a loong time.


I have to say this: RAS and MAS are actually quite good authors. I actually sought out one of MAS's trilogies that was out of print because it is excellent and I own over a dozen RAS novels, BUT . . .

VP sucked the big one. My biggest gripe: That he re-wrote G.I.Joe, the Movie as a SW novel and that every single one of the people who read VP knew more about the SW universe and the Characters therein than RAS did.

 

Welcome to the fold, Lilith!

I have an idea floating around in my head, one I might actually post, but I don't know yet...

 

Just a note here, no story. To Leia Organa Solo and others: I think you will find most of the story posters are, in fact, EU-lovers or people who like the EU. I think many of us found Vector Prime a disappointment, and things just took off from there. We don't purposefully mean to be mean to the authors and as Bror Jace said, every character or author is a target.

On another note; when Onslaught comes out, do we make create a humorous thread for it alone and continue this NJO parody OR make fun of it here?

 

I say we keep this up!

***

Emperor Palpatine(s) stared at each other on the set of the orginal return of the Jedi.

"I'm the orginal." The first one said

"no your not." the second one said. "I am."

"I'm the youngest!" the young clone said before being slapped by the older two.

"Vader threw me down the Reactor Core!" the first spoke.

"Then I moved my spirit to a clone body. I'm the orginal...I just died on the Eclipse."

"But NO I survived til Sedriss served me." a FOURTH spoke.

The RotJ one stomped his feet "My soul was destroyed! YOU *CANNOT* EXIST! IT DESTROYS THE THEME OF THE TRIOLOGY"

Senator Palpatine tried to intervene to no avail.

Chancellor Palpatine sighed as he paced around.

All of them occasionally looking at Darth Sideous very closely to see if he was one of them but they were unsure.

He *LOOKED* like them but fan rumors and Da Boss could be decieving.

Ever since Lucasfilm had decided the more Palpatines the better, they had dozens of extras, all dark side evil jedi masters and all for the time being..in the Dead Zone.

It was then that the doors to the chamber flew open and all the Palpatines stood up and saluted.

It was the executives.

Their spokesman, a former football coach spoke.

"Guys...we've decided to make you a deal. I want to remind you Pro-fic has been very good to you. Immortality and actually winning in the newest movie. However we know you've been recieving offers from the OTHER side...."

A hushed whisper fell over the cloned Palpatines.

"Therefore we're offering you a counter deal. The story arc. Night of a Thousand Palpatines. All you get women, wealth, the Empire Reborn AGAIN and redeemed yet somehow still able to be evil....however there's a catch and we've already discussed it with Sideous...your to go to the UNMENTIONABLE PLANET and..."

Darth Sideous cut in for dramatic effect.

"Wipe them out...All of them."

"Yes. Every last one. It's time Da Boss got some new cash cows anyway. We'll just CLONE THEM!" the coach smirked.

As the executive clones of him all nodded in unison.