Vector Prime humorous version -SPOILERS

[Sorry again Zaz. I didn't say you had to, it's just that I wasn't ready to. I've been so caught up in debating the interview that I haven't switched to humor mode. Besides you do such a good job. Oh, no Opie! I haven't forgotten. I've been working on it.]


Jedi Master Kam Solusar and his apprentice, Pemik, have travelled from the AU (that's Alternate Universe) to collect information on the WWF rent-a-thugs, who are training on Core-u-skank. Prefect Wince McMoney, Rock Hot Jamey Summers, Gravedigger, and Manbeast are busy instructing the remaining Pong who have not left to unionize and star in Galaxy Quest. Oldman and his clueless brother Yumyum are still around. Kam and Pemik have infiltrated the Pong training warehouse and are discreetly observing them.

Prefect Wince: "Lissen up you losers. We're here to whip you into shape."
Yumyum: "Oh good, whipping. How painful. How exhilerating. Sign me up. I love pain."
Oldman: "Not that kind of whipping you dunce. (Oldman punches his brother.)
Wince: "We've been hired to be the bad guys and to show you how to be ruthless bad guys. Watch this holo of our greatest moments, then we will begin."
(A holo of the best of BRAINLESS-MANIA is played, showing the grotesquely violent and sleazy behavior of the rent-a-thugs.)

Pemik: (quietly to Kam) "That looked so fake."
Rock Hot: "Where we come from, we are the best athletes in our land."
Pemik: "They look like Hutts."
Gravedigger: "We are also very good actors. It takes a lot of skill to do what we do."
Pemik: "Grunting, groaning, and screaming takes a lot of skill?"
Manbeast: "I was very mad that I wasn't nominated for an Emmy for my last role. I thought I was great."
Rock Hot: "People all across our land revere us for our skill and bravery."
Gravedigger: "They think we are honorable."
Manbeast: "We are honored by their worship..."
Wince: "And all the money they pay to watch us."
Pemik: "I didn't think I would be able to keep myself from laughing after watching that holo."
Kam: "I am glad you were able to control yourself, lest they find us. Let's watch their training excersizes before we leave."

Wince: "First, use whatever tactics you can to confuse and distract your enemy. Mink, come on out."
(A well-endowed blonde in skimpy clothing struts onstage. There's not much more to say about the character. Upon seeing the blonde, all the Pong stare at her; their eyes glued to her every move and jiggle.)
Oldman: (respectfully) "Oh, she is worthy!"
(The rest of the Pong start repeating over and over "she is worthy, she is worthy", almost as if they are in a hypnotic trance.)
Prefect Wince: (angrily) "Would you idiots stop that... You're not supposed to be distracted, your enemies are!! Mink, go powder your nose."

Kam: "I can't believe they think we would be distracted by her."
Pemik: "What?? Sorry master."
Kam: "You must learn to focus better, Pemik."
Pemik: "Sorry master. It's just she was so..."
Kam: "fake, artificial, sleazy, grotesque?"
Pemik: "Yes all those. It's like roadkill, you just can't help yourself. I will try to do better."
(Pemik thinks to himself Oh, no... I said the magic word... Way to go... Here it comes.
Kam: "There is no try. Do or do not."
(Pemik rolls his eyes, without Master Kam seeing him, and says): "Yes Master."

Wince: (whispering to his 3 thugs) "Ditch the blonde idea. These freaks are too distracted by them. Besides, I don't think da-boss would allow that kind of sleaze."
Rock Hot: "Because your fantasy weapons are not working, and ILM is working on new ones, you'll have to rely on good old fashioned dirty fighting."
Manbeast: "Whatever you can find to use as a weapon use it."
Gravedigger: "Throw rocks, dirt, anything. Spit poison, you can do that can't you."
Manbeast: "Swing chairs, pipes, anything you can get your hands on."
Rock Hot: "Rush them, tackle them, knock them to the ground."
Gravedigger: "Kick them in the face, the head, the body, their Privates Ryan."
Manbeast: "Use half-Nelsons, full-Nelsons, Ricky Nelsons, Ricky Martins."
Kam: "Ugh! Ricky Martin. That might

 

Han stared at Leia as she suddenly started fizzlingly sparks from her head.

Han quickly flipped the switch on the back of her neck.

"Dang Human Replicant Droids. Karrde sold me a bum one!" he growned.

"CHEWIE BRING ME THE HYDROSPANNER!" he growled as they tossed him the thing that apparently was used to fix everything.

Talon Karrde had been playing Lucas off against the refugees and making a tidy sum. Already he'd scored a Karrde comic book and Karrde lunch box. He wanted to get a harem like Jabba for the next movie.

Episode II: Karrde teaches Anakin

"Luke you won't ever replace me for a human replicant droid would you?" Mara asked as Luke hesitated before getting whacked in the stomach.

"No No of course not."

'Except if it's Guri...hehe or a Leia model...I wonder if I can get a Mara...why not all three? Hahaha' the Jedi Master grinned to himself before Mara stared.

"You forgot about the Force bond." Mara spoke.

"DAMN YOU ZAHN!" Luke cursed before Mara whacked him in the side of the face.

"Don't forget Timothy is comming here to fix this mess." Mara spoke "At least I hope so."

Anakin then walked in (the second) "Hey Dad they'res a Captain Panaka out here to see you. Something about a queen..."

Han smirked "Queen huh? Looks like Han old boy is trading up from Princess." he grinned lecherously as he walked out.

"Thanx Annie."

"WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME THAT?!"

***

Timothy Zahn walked through his underground secret passage to his private getaway in the Star Wars universe.

Donning his extra hair, leather jacket, and outrageous smuggling clothes before the wide eyed fan stared...

"YOUR....TALON KARRDE!"

 

What's this doing on the 3rd page? This thread is great- keep going!

 

In his new Galaxy Quest gig, Nom Nom is giving an interview....he is reclining on a poolside divan, surrounded by renegade unionized Pong, who are fanning him with palm fronds, and popping grapes in his open mouth...
Interviewer: "Nom Nom, can you tell us your deepest thoughts...?"
Nom Nom: "Certainly I could, if I had any, but I've got nothing today...all I can say is...I love being a movie star! It beats the hell out of slumming it in the NJO..."
Interviewer: "I understand DreamWorks is campaigning in the media for an Oscar nomination for you..."
Nom Nom: (preening) "Damn right...it was part of our new contract...collective bargaining is bliss..."
Interviewer: "You had some good reviews, didn't you....?"
Nom Nom: "Yes...and I deserved them all..."
Interviewer: "I'll quote from Time...'as the villain, a probing performance is given by Nom Nom Amor'; Entertainment Weekly...'Amor camps it up furiously as Saris'; and Daily Variety : ?the villain gives as good a performance as you can expect from a guy in a lizard suit.'
Nom Nom: (modestly) "I was great..."
Interviewer: "And the rest of the Pong?"
Nom Nom: (not pleased) "They hit their marks....now let's get back to me...what do movie stars usually say in these interviews?"
Interviewer: (uncertainly) "I'd really rather direct?"
Nom Nom: "No, no, not that...when they want to prove they're regular guys....oh, yeah! I always do my own stunts...to the frantic applause of cast and crew...now what else?"
Interviewer: "I dunno..."
Nom Nom: (meditatively) "I suppose this is where I should mention that acting is really no job for a man....they all say that...so I prove myself by the stunt-work..."
Interviewer: (desperately) "Um...Nom Nom, do you think your career will be limited by the fact that you have only one eye?"
Nom Nom: "No. They hired me for ?Galaxy Quest', didn't they? We're negotiating to appear in ?Titan A. E.' and ?Battleground, Earth' next....and we have plenty of other offers...'
Interviewer: "Are you afraid of being typecast?"
Nom Nom: (scowling) "Why should I be?"
Interviewer: (delicately) "Your skull-like face, lizard-skin, and that whirlygig on the top of your head kinda limits you for romantic roles, don't you think?"
Nom Nom: (smirking) "Women love bad boys....I'm negotiating to star with Julia Roberts next...."
Interviewer: (sotto voce) "It'll give new meaning to the term ?Runaway Bride'.."
Nom Nom: (scowling) "What was that?"
Interviewer: "Ah, nothing...Has your asking price gone up?"
Nom Nom: "It sure has, friend, it sure has....I'll never have to work for DB again at this rate...that cheapskate..."
Interviewer: "And the rest of the Pong?"
Nom Nom: "They're getting scale, which is a sight better that the scraps they earned in the NJO...and they make extra money renting out the Hammock to scifi conventions..."
Interviewer: "Um...I understand that Del Rey is suing you over your exit from the NJO...."
Nom Nom: "Good luck to them...I'm already planning my wardrobe for the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion...that kid from ?The Sixth Sense' hasn't a chance...."
Interviewer: "He was good, though."
Nom Nom: "Doesn't matter. The Pong will make sure that everybody votes for me. Wontcha, fellas?"
The Pong all nod vigorously.
Nom Nom (happily) "Solidarity forever..."

Back on Naboo, Jacen is sitting in the middle of the floor, meditating. Suddenly, he comes out of it, in a state of near panic.
Jacen: "Dad!"
Han: (he is playing cut-throat sabacc with Chewie) "Yeah, what?"
Jacen: "I just had this terrible vision..."
Han: "Well, keep it to yourself, then."
Jacen: "You were in it..."
Han: (about to bluff Chewie outrageously) "Oh, was I?"
Jacen: "Yeah, so was Mom..."
Han: (grimacing) "Great..."
Jacen: "She was really a human replica droid..."
Han: (meditatively) "I often thought about getting a less domineering version...it's kinda hard to sneak up on a Jedi, though..."
Jacen: "Jaina and Anakin were there, too..."
Han: (not really interested) "Were they human replicant droids, too?"
Jacen: "Dunno. What do you think it means?"
Han: "No idea, kid. But you can ask Luke w

 

Oh, man. This is too much. My guts feel like they're having a tug of war. Keep it up guys!

Some ideas: The King of Limbo, Kyle Katarn & friends. Maybe a little blending of SW and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Bring back Kyp, too!

 

Student #2 stared in awe at Zahn.
"You...you are Talon Karrde!"
"You bet your...fuzz. Or whatever that is on your face." Zahn pulled out a suit. "Here, put this on."
Student #2 stared in awe. "Is this what you wore in the Union comics?"
"Heck no. You're going to be my partner, Aves. I never described him, and every superhero needs a partner."
Zahn pulled out a mask. "How 'bout it?"
"Sure!" Aves reached out to take the mask, when Zahn pulled it back.
"This isn't for you. I don't have one of those ysalamari hunters available, and my mind just went blank as to what they're called, so the dog needs to wear it. To keep up appearances."
"Right." Aves grabbed the dog and held it down while Talon/Timothy tied the mask on it."
"So, what's on our itinerary?"
"Well, we need to rescue the main characters, including Mara Jade, kill or gag MAS so he doesn't say anything else stupid, avoid the LMM, and do a re-write of Vector Prime."
"Humph. Is that all?" T/T walked over to the wall, and opened up a secret door.
"Uh, yes. How are we going to do it, Mr. Zahn, sir?"
"Call me Talon."
"Where did you come up with that? It's a bird thing-"
"Yeah, but do you really want to argue with me on such a mute point?"
"No. Do we take the dog-er, ysalamari hunter with us?"
"Good. I can't do it all. Da Boss doesn't respect my opinion that much, and since the water was drugged, he probably thinks I'm under his control. Fortunately, he doesn't know that I'm Talon Karrde." T/T waved his hand through the door way, and waved Aves over to it. "C'mon kid, it's perfectly safe. Despite being a ST ripoff of the portal, or gateway, or whatever they called it in those TNG and DS9 episodes."
"Uh, okay. Say, where are we going?" Aves stood up and walked over to the portal.
"Nowhere. Yet. Come, droid. Let's hear your message."
The little droid rolled forward, and activated his mini hologram. "Master Zahn, blah blah blah blah."
"Right. Thank you, droid."
Aves stared. "What did she say?"
"Luke Skywalker, a few of the other characters, and Mara need my help. We're going to help them."
"Now? when we're done doing that, what next?"
"Well, what we're going to do is kinda stuck together..."
Aves stared. "What, Talon?"
"Like I said, DB cares nothing for me. We're going to get the only person he does care for."
Breathlessly, Aves said, "You mean..."
"Yes. The only author able to get his characters action-figureized and they didn't suck."
"Alrighty then. To Steve Perry's house?"
"No. He's never home."
"The local Bingo game rooms?"
"No, he's not much of a gambler."
"The arcade?"
"No."
"Then where?"
"We're gonna need some backup in dealing with LMM and all the minions that are probably guarding him from influencing DB anymore."
"Right. So we go to Skywalker, bring back some jedi, and kick some LMM minion butt?"
"You catch on pretty quick."
With that brief exchange, they jumped through the portal.

<Acceptable?>

 

Up.

 

Again.

 

[Welcome to the fold LiC. Anyone is welcome to post. Just keep up the parody.]

 

And now...

The Vector Prime Humouous Version Theme Song

Sung to tht tune of the Red Dwarf theme

It's all set up
Everything's been shaken on
The deal is done
More or less
Chewie dies
Far away from here
Doomed, doomed, doomed,
By a moon, moon, moon.
I'd rather fly
Against some dumb superweapon
Written by
KJA
Get me out
Of the profic trap
Doomed doomed doomed
By a moon moon moon.

 

And now...

The Vector Prime Humouous Version Theme Song

Sung to tht tune of the Red Dwarf theme

It's all set up
Everything's been shaken on
The deal is done
More or less
Chewie dies
Far away from here
Doomed, doomed, doomed,
By a moon, moon, moon.
I'd rather fly
Against some dumb superweapon
Written by
KJA
Get me out
Of the profic trap
Doomed doomed doomed
By a moon moon moon.

 

I don't have a darn clue what the Red Dwarf theme is.

 

Don't stop now guys. This is really good.

 

If nobody minds, Talon/Timothy is mine!!!!

Aves: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Talon: Uhmmm....Chris Rock?
Aves: "Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Talon: Oh, that's Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Aves: Darnit. Your turn.
Scene: the barrier between the EU and our world. A card table between Aves and Talon, with a pack of cards scattered around them.
Talon: I don't want to play anymore.
Aves: Okay. Poker?
Talon: No.
Aves: What do you do when you're coming through the barrier?
Talon: I play solitare.
Aves: Well, we can do that.
Talon: No we can't. Two people can't play solitare!
Aves: We can time ourselves!
Glaring Talon: No.
Muttering to self Talon: Why did I ever bring this kid along....
Aves: How much longer is this going to be?
Talon: I don't know. I set the portal thing-gummy to send us to where Mara and Luke are.
Aves: Oh. Why didn't you just have them set us down on Kashyyyk? We could get some Wookiee power!
Talon realizing the error of his ways: Shuttup.

 

Back in the N.J.O. (Cue Billy Joel) Jaina, Dyp Kurron, Givin, and Cole are gathered in Rogue Squadron headquarters.

Givin (to Jaina and Dyp): "We are going to continue the tradition of having a Jedi in the squadron."
Jaina and Dyp: "Yes!"
Givin: "But, only one of you will be chosen. We are sending you with Cole and half the squadron on a scouting mission."
(Jaina and Dyp start arguing about who is the best pilot.)
Jaina: "I spent 27 hours, 27 minutes, and 27 seconds in the belt."
Dyp: "But, I've been piloting since you were a baby. I mean who can forget my magnificent display of flying the Sun Crusher. Plus I have real combat experience."
Givin: "Would you two stop bickering."
Cole: We'll be looking for the Pong and I'll be evaluating you and recommending to Givin who will be chosen to be in the group."

Cole, five other members of Rogue Squadron, and Jaina and Dyp take off. They head out to the outer rim to look for any left over skippingstones. After a couple of hours of searching they find a group of skippingstones. They land and start throwing the skippingstones in the nearby lake to see who can skip the most. Oops. Sorry, forgot what I was writing about.
Anyway, the skippingstones attack and immediately two Rogue ships are hit and destroyed with the pilots ejecting out and floating in space near their destroyed ships.

Cole: "Break off by formation, stay with your wingman."
(Dyp, sensing a chance for glory and revenge, abandons Jaina and attacks by himself.)
Jaina picks up one on her tail. Jaina increases power to her rear shield, and rotates onto her port S-foil. She increases her speed in an attempt to loop behind the skippingstone. The skipper stays with her.
Jaina: "Man this guy is good."
Jaina trims power, hits her etheric rudder, and goes into a dive to starboard, but the skipper continues to stay with her.
Jaina: "Man this guy is really good."
Jaina ends up flying into an asteroid field, lopping in and around, over and under the asteriods, but the skipper is still behind her.
Jaina: "Man this guy is really, really good. I am going to be toast if I don't do something quickly."
Jaina goes through 1 hour of juking, jinking, hitting etheric rudders, looping, slipping, and sliding before she breaks free of the skipper behind her and firing the killing shot.

Meanwhile the skippers have got Dyp on the run. He's taken several hits and is down to minimal power and has lost his canopy again. He decides to hide down on one of the larger asteroids.

(Insert your favorite, verbose MAS dogfighting scene.)
Jaina finishes off the rest of the skippers that attacked them.

The rest of the squad has been wiped out.

When Dyp realizes that Jaina has finished off the rest of the skippingstones, he comes out of hiding.

Dyp (nervously): "Come on Jaina let's go."
Jaina: "But shouldnt we check to see if anyone is alive?"
Dyp: "Stackpole isn't writing this so those guys are dead for sure."
Jaina: "Makes sense to me."
Dyp: "Besides, they were all wearing Red shirts, and only one of them was named."
Jaina: "Okay."
Dyp (whining): "Oh, I lost another droid. And we were just getting to know each other."
Jaina: "Why are you so cold and callous Dyp. We just lost 6 people."
Dyp: "I've always been portrayed as hard-edged, reckless, cold and callous. I mean look, I slaughtered billions on Cardia and I didn't get punished or show great remorse. Why should I be any different now?"
Jaina: "What about that recent short story that said you carried a great burden."
Dyp: "Short stories don't count. BDD stuff barely counts so why should short stories."
Jaina: "Makes sense to me."

As they jump to lightspeed back to Poodoobrillion, Dyp stands up in his cockpit and yells "I am king of the galaxy."

 

Back on Core-u-skank, Corran has decided to check in at home. He finds his thirteen-year-old son, Valin, sprawled out in front of the holovid, plunking some weird-looking instrument and eating cold pizza...
Corran: "Valin!"
Valin peers up under a long greasy fringe of hair. He is a zit farm par excellence.
Valin: "Oh, hi, Dud..."
Corran: "That's ?Dad.'"
Valin: "Whatever..."
Corran: "Where's your sister?"
Valin: (confused) "Do I have one?"
Corran: "I think so..."
Valin: "Haven't seen her around..."
Corran: (dramatically) "I've come to tell you the truth about your mother!"
Valin: "Mom? Haven't seen HER around either. Not that I'd notice anyway...we haven't had a conversation since I hit puberty."
He stands up. Physically, he looks like a very young, very pimply Booster Terrik--which means he is twice Corran's size. He shambles over to whatever fridges are called in the NJO and extracts several cans.
Corran: "She's left me for another man!"
Valin: (absently) "No kidding. Who is it?"
Corran: (muttering) "Wedge Antilles..."
Valin: "Sheesh. Gramps is going to be thrilled..."
Corran: "Is that all you have to say?"
Valin: "Yup."
He stretches himself back out in front of the holovid and starts draining the cans, alternating with huge bites of cold pizza.
Corran: "Valin...I have to talk to you...this is serious..."
Valin: "So talk...Galactic Music Countdown is on in five minutes..."
Corran: "I'm going to make myself King of the Galaxy..."
Valin: (muttering) "Whoop-de-do."
Corran: "Which will make you Crown Prince..."
Valin: "Can't wait. Could you move over a little? You're blocking the screen..."
Corran: "A Crown Prince can't fool around with trivial stuff like music...you'll have to do something serious...become a Jedi, or a Rogue pilot, or join the navy..."
Valin puts down his can deliberately and parts his bangs with his hands so he can get a better look at his father.
Valin: "You're joking, right?"
Corran: "I never joke..."
Valin: "Stupid question. Gotta have a sense of humor first...look, Dud..."
Corran: (encouragingly) "Dad..."
Valin: "I think you're laboring under a misunderstanding, here..."
Corran: "I am?"
Valin: "Yeah...you think I'm the usual NJO adolescent. The type that actually wants to be a Jedi--what a lame ambition--or a stupid Rogue pilot. The brilliant, keener types like those Solo dweebs...the jerks that save the day at the last minute with a completely looney plan that naturally works...well, dream on....I wanna be a rock star..."
Corran: (patiently) "I've just told you, you can't."
Valin: (to himself) "And he wonders why Mom hit the road..."
Corran: "As I see it, you should enroll in Junior Corsec immediately. I'll hire a tutor to coach you in piloting and Jedi lore on the side...Jaina Solo has enrolled in Rogue Squadron, and I want you to do the same..."
Valin: "Get a grip...didn't you hear what I said? I'm a real adolescent.... which means I'm completely self- absorbed, lazy, and I have raging hormones...I am NOT enrolling in Junior Corsec, I do NOT wanna be a Jedi, and I do NOT wanna be a pilot...and most of all, I do NOT wanna be like YOU."
Corran: "But why not? I'm perfect!"
Valin: (head in hands) "I give up."

 

That was great Zaz!

 

Deep within the bowels of ILM...

CDRO: "How much longer is it going to be?"
ILMer: "We are almost done, just a few finishing touches."
CDRO: "We've got a book coming out tomorrow."
LMM: "Except for areas of the country served by Walmart."
CDRO: "Argh! Tell me about it. You'd think those 'hogs' from Arkansas would know what a release date of February 1 means."
LMM's minion: "I think we may have come up against a greedy corporate behemoth that's worse than us."
LMM: "Don't say that! Especially, not in front of da-boss."
CDRO: "What are you? Some kind of traitor?"
LMM's minion: (stifling a grin) "No, not me, never."
CDRO: (to the ILMer) "Come on, come on, hurry it up!"
LMM: (to CDRO) "Would you chill out. ILM has always come through for us."
CDRO: "Oh, you mean like the time they screwed up...."
LMM: "Now who's the naysayer."

A couple more hours pass, then finally the ILMer comes out of the secret lab.
ILMer: "Okay, we're finally done."
LMM: "Can we see?"
CDRO: "Can we test it out?"
ILMer: "Yes."
(The ILMer leads them into the lab. Lined up along the wall are replicas of the AWOL characters.)
CDRO: "Can we talk to them?"
ILMer: "Yes, you may. We've programmed them to respond to any possible inquiry."
CDRO: "Luke, state your mission and designation."
Luke version 2.0: "I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master. My mission is to seek new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before."
(LMM and CDRO are agast)
ILMer: (doing a bad job of holding back laughter) "We programmed a little humor. We knew that would get you."
LMM (glares at him) "You think that was funny you little dweeb. You wanna work for Star Trek. That can be arranged!"
ILMer: (contritely) " I am so sorry. Try again."
CDRO: "Well Luke?"
Luke V2: "I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master. My mission is to seek out the mystery behind the deadly invasion force and the possible link between the beetles and Mara's disease."
CDRO: "Mara, what do you think of your husband?"
Mara V2: "I am sick of him. He always wants to share his feelings. I just want to be left alone to deal with my disease by myself.
CDRO: (to both of them) "What do you think of consumating your marriage."
Luke V2 and Mara V2: (together) "Eeeww. That's against the rules."
CDRO: "What about your mind link?"
L&M: (together) "What mind link?"
CDRO: "Jacen, what do you think of adventure and excitement and pleasures of the flesh?"
Jacen V2: "A Jedi does not crave these things."
CDRO "Mirax, what do you think of your husband?"
Mirax V2: "Corran is a god. I worship him."
CDRO: "Han, how do you feel about the loss of Chewie?"
Han V2: "I am so broken up. My bubble has been burst. Things will never be the same again. I am depressed, angry, and ready to fly off the handle."
CDRO: (to all) "What do you think of da-boss."
All: "The greatest."
CDRO: "Would you ever run out on the storyline?"
All: "No."
CDRO: "No matter what happens?"
All: "Never."

CDRO: (to ILMer) "Very good job."
LMM: "Prepare them for transport back to the NJO."
ILMer: "Thank you. Yes sir."
CDRO: "We need them to take the place of the wayward scofflaws for the next books."


Later that day, the LMM and CDRO have a meeting with Nosentz and Darkly Preposterous.

CDRO: "We've got a book coming out tomorrow."
Nosentz: "Except for areas of the country served by Walmart."
CDRO: (to LMM) "Didn't we have this conversation already?"
LMM: "Did you take Walmart to task for releasing it early, son?"
Nosentz: "As ordered sir."
CDRO: "Now, you know the drill don't you."
DP & N: "Yes sir!"
CDRO: "What do you think of Mike's books and the NJO?"
DP & N: "They are AWESOME."
CDRO: "What else?"
DP & N: "Mike's back, so everyone should expect his usual bang up job. And we have to pretend that the NJO isn't clueless and derivative."
CDRO: "Anything else?"
DP & N: "We have to report some of the more outlandish statements to you so that you can use it as positive spin and an example of crank behavior in chats and interviews."
CDRO: "What about reviews?"
DP & N: "We have to review the books positively and pretend that the authors have talent

 

[Loved the V.2 stuff, JF, but I can see where this is going--you're going to make me read 'Onslaught', aren't you? The torture never ends...!!!]

 

Deep in the Dead Zone:

Beru is making some sort of meal in some sort of instrument, just like back on Tatooine. Owen comes in, sits at the table, and picks up a copy of the DZ Times. Beru sits next to him.

Beru: Owen?
Owen: (not looking at her) "Hmmm?"
Beru: (more insistent) Owen?
Owen: (knowing what that tone means, he folds his paper shut and looks at her) Yes, dear?
Beru: I've been thinking. Perhaps we should leave the Dead Zone, too.
Owen: You mean, right before the harvest?
Beru: Yes. Owen, we can't stay here forever. Most of our friends have gone. (looking at him with pleading eyes) It means so much to me.
Owen: I'll make it up to you after the harvest. I promise. We'll. . .go to a movie, or something.
Beru: (gives him a shrewd look) Remember what happened the last time a conversation went this way?
Owen: (shifting uncomfortably) Yeah. But it can't happen again. I mean, they can only kill you once, right?

Considering the matter settled, he picks up his paper again. Beru finger-doodles on the table-top for a moment, then sighs and rests her chin in her hand.

Beru: I hear Luke. . .
Owen: (from behind paper) What was that, dear?
Beru: I hear Luke's gone and gotten himself married.
Owen: Yeah, so?
Beru: Well, if they've really escaped, that means. . .

Owen slowly lowers his paper and stares at her.

Owen: You mean, they. . .?

Beru nods.
Owen throws his paper down and rushes into the back room, where he can be heard banging things around.
Beru follows, to find him packing in great haste, clothes all over the room as he tries carrying too much from the closet to the suit case on the bed.

Owen: (muttering) Stupid little brat. . .gets us killed, then runs off and gets married and. . .no more, dang it.
Beru: (eyeing Owen speculatively) You know, dear, since we're leaving, abandoning the past, and all, I think we could probably. . .
Owen: (stopping dead) Is that . . . legal?
Beru: (shaking her head) No. But who cares? We're about to become undead criminals anyway. Let's live it up.

Owen, a sly grin twisting his face, walks up to Beru and pulls her into the room, closing the door behind them.

 

Oh, and welcome LiC! Good posts!

I have come up with a Vector Prime Humerous version T-shirt. It's a graphic of a "Greed is Good" T-shirt, ripped down in a tattered V shape. Peeking out from underneath is, yes, you guessed it, "CHEWIE LIVES". Now if only I could actually make this. . .

 

[Mmm whaa haa haa!!!! Gotcha again Zaz. Not really. Personally, I think there should be a separate Onslaught/Dark Tide humorous thread. This thread has taken on too much of a life of its own, more an NJO parody/satire. But I can see how people might want to include later books into ideas here. I'll read Onslaught because MAS has done well in the past and it's a paperback, not a hardcover. (Though I guess that's not much comfort for you Canadians.) I've heard it's pretty good from people who's opinion I respect.]

 

[JF, no comfort is right...I'm still majorly ticked about the $40.00 Cdn. Del Rey vacuumed out of my pocket for VP (I guess maybe you can tell). And then to have that pompous twit blandly assure me that if I disliked it, it was MY fault...them's fightin' words...though now I see Opie has already started the OHV thread. I would have made it 'alleged human from Modesto'--there must be SOME rational explanation--otherwise he's dead on.]

[Ping, no doubt we can make zillions selling that T-shirt to the disaffected...then, again, maybe I've been hanging out with the LMMs too much...]

[This message has been edited by Zaz (edited 02-01-2000).]

 

[Hope u guys don't mind if i join in]

Deep inside the ILM test center...

CDRO: Now how do we know the V2's will succeed in their mission
ILM: Don't worry they will destroy the originals.
CDRO: I'm still don't believe they are up for the task. Onslaught is supposed to come out today. they have to be done.
ILM: Then perhaps u should see a demenstration. Luke Version 2.0, come out here.
LukeV2: What is it master?
ILM: U see, there is a chip inside each robot and when i push this button, a message saying "U WILL KILL LUKE SKYWALKER!!!!" will play in their heads. Now each robot is programmed to kill each of their originals. All V2s come out now.
They come out. In front of them cardboard cut-outs of their originals pop up. The ILMer pushes the button. LukeV2 cuts off Luke Cardboard Cut-out's head. Machine guns come out of MaraV2's breasts and they shoot Mara Cardboard cut-out. Soon no cardboard cut-out are left

Later that day on Naboo, Mara and Luke are still working on their improvisations. the walk out of the tent to find that Jacen is gone....
Luke: Hey where's Jacen?
He looks ahead to see a horny Jacen humping a sleeping Guri.
Luke: Jacen get off her. Only me and ur father are allowed to hump Guri
Mara throws Luke a dirty look
Luke: Um, i mean........nobody is allowed to hump Guri.
Luke pulls Jacen off Guri
Jacen: But Uncle Luke, she so hot. I just wanna do stuff to her.
Jacen runs back and jumps on top of Guri again.
Luke: U think everyone is hot. I thought u had a thing for Danni Quee now.
Jacen: no, i liked her last week. i don't like her anymore.
Luke rolls his eyes. All of a sudden a ship starts coming toward Naboo. It lands and the V2s walk out of it. The start to draw out their weapons
Luke: What the hell? Mara, i didn't know u had machine guns in ur breasts. how'd i miss those
Mara: Um Luke, I'm over here. Thats not me.
MaraV2: No Luke I'm Mara. Come over here.
Luke: I know how to settle this. Who wants to have sex with me right now.
MaraV2: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I'll just kill u.
All the V2's start attacking the originals. All the originals are losing. All of a sudden a black guy with a lightsaber runs out and starts attaking the V2s. He defeats them easily.
Black Guy: Lightsabers, when u absolutly, positively have to kill every mutha ****er in the room. Wait u don't know me do u? Hey, I'm Mace Windu. I'm from the prequel era. I knew ur father. I was the baddest son of a ***** Jedi that ever live. That is until that Mutha ****er GL killed me off.
Luke: Then I guess we have something in common. We're all outcasts from the NJO.
Mace: I know. thats why i came here. I wanna fight those Muthas.
Luke: Wait, if ur from the Prequel Era, u know everything about everyone back then right?
Mace: Ya, so?
Luke: Then come with me.
Mace: sure. Kid over there, the one humping the droid that looks like a human. ya u. Fetch me my Lightsaber, its the one that says bad *** on it.

[This message has been edited by NightTraveler (edited 02-01-2000).]

[This message has been edited by NightTraveler (edited 02-01-2000).]