Saga - OT Get It While It's Hoth!™ - Award fic for Mistress_Renata

Title: Get It While It's Hoth!™
Author: Ewok Poet
Genre: Humour, vignette
Characters: OCs, references to canon characters
Timeframe: 3 ABY // 1BBE
Rating: G
Length: Short
Summary: Spin, the company behind the ANGRY MACE™ products, is using the Battle of Hoth to promote its new soup...

This is an award fic for Mistress_Renata. Her excellent story, Hobbie's Law won best Action/Adventure and tied for the Best New Canon story at the 2017 Golden Yoda Awards. She requested an ad for an ANGRY MACE™ product and I asked her for a couple of elements to include in it. The story is late because I was literally brainless for months and absolutely "out of happy".

The ANGRY MACE™ brand was previously featured in a bunch of other stories, most notably those where Kylo Ren sees his grandfather in food...oh, and this award skit.

The soup started out as an inside joke between the three of us - Findswoman, Raissa Baiard and yours truly, after we had read a story featuring a really, really OOC Mace Windu. Of course, Snakes on a Plane came to mind. So, the soup was the first in the never-ending assortment of ANGRY MACE™ products.

However, I must point out that it was Raissa who gave the soup its current name. Curiously enough, she received an award fic from me featuring another ANGRY MACE™ product last year - there's also a picture of the packaging, make sure you have a looksie if you want TEH LULZ. I might, just might, photoshop this can of soup at some point, too - have not done anything other in Photoshop than editing RAW files of photographs off my Canon DSLR in a while...

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***Two Bith are walking down a crowded street, with tall buildings appearing behind them***

DIDDOMEL: "But, Grer'in, those beings are known for having sex! We cannot possibly be sharing the condo with them!"

GRER'LIN: "I know, Diddomel, but we have managed it to the mid-levels without being banished! That gig at the Millaflower Lounge will help us survive! Many Imperial officers come there while off duty and they tip the musicians generously!"

DIDDOMEL: "Perhaps we really are an inferior species. I don't think I will ever manage to adapt to their world..."

GRER'LIN: "That's the price of safety, Diddomel. The sooner we realise that, the better."

***The transmission suddenly stops***

***Large red text written in a slab serif font flashes at the viewers***

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT​

***Announcer in Imperial Uniform appears onscreen, stands perfectly still.***

We interrupt this episode of "Bith Marriage" to bring you the most exciting news - after the Rebel aggressors destroyed our pride, the Death Star and committed a genocide against millions of innocent beings, many started to doubt their future. But we are pleased to inform YOU that our mighty army has destroyed the Rebel scum secret hideout in the Hoth System. Many a great soldier has given his life for the Galactic Empire, but their families and YOU should be proud, for they took many enemies with them.

***Subliminal message briefly flashes onscreen: Join the Imperial Youth! Join the Imperial Youth! Carida, Carida, Carida!***

Background voice: "Good, good...now, what was the deal we had with SPIN?

THIS SPECIAL BULLETIN WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE ANGRY MACE™ BRAND CREAM OF VENGEANCE SOUP​

***NOW WITH TIE-FIGHTER AND AT-AT PASTA SHAPES***​

DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE DISCIPLINING YOUR YOUNGLINGS? IS IT HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM? ARE THEY - PERHAPS - BEHAVING LIKE REBEL SCUM? ARE YOU WORRIED THAT THEY WILL END UP IN THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL AND NOT IN THE IMPERIAL ACADEMY ON CARIDA? "SPIN", THE CORPORATE SECTOR'S MOST SUCCESSFUL FOOD CONGLOMERATE, RENOWNED FOR SUPPLYING RATION BARS TO OUR TROOPS AND CATERING FOR THE BANQUETS ON STAR DESTROYERS, HAS A SOLUTION FOR YOUR PROBLEM!​

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THE NEWEST ADDITION TO OUR ECONOMY LINE OF FOOD PRODUCTS WILL GET YOUR LITTLE WOMP RATS TO BECOME SUBMISSIVE AND YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO MOVE A FINGER!​

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***a holotoon of an angry bald man jumps out from behind the text on the screen, tearing the canvas apart...he then throws a bowl of unidentified red liquid towards the fictional holocam, thus creating an illusion of its being splattered across the viewers' viewscreens***​

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BEHOLD THE ANGRY MACE™ BRAND CREAM OF VENGEANCE SOUP. THE LEGEND HAS THAT THE EVIL JEDI MACE WINDU, WHOSE GHOST STILL ROAMS AROUND THE LOWER LEVELS OF THE IMPERIAL CENTRE, ONCE THREW A BOWL OF THIS STRAIGHT IN EMPEROR PALPATINE'S FACE, PERMANENTLY DAMAGING HIS FEATURES AND VOCAL CHORD.​

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WE HAVE GOT A HOLD OF THE CURSED RECIPE DURING THE GLORIOUS RAID OF THE JEDI TRAITORS' ALLEGED "TEMPLE" AND NOW, MORE THAN TWENTY YEARS LATER, WE ARE PROUD TO SHARE A SAFER VERSION OF THIS ELIXIR OF ULTIMATE POWER AND SMOOTH SUBMISSION....WITH YOU, IMPERIAL DENIZEN!​

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OUR GLORIOUS FIGHTERS ON HOTH USED THE DEHYDRATED VERSION OF THIS FOOD PRODUCT AND ATE IT WITH MELTED SNOW IN ORDER TO KEEP WARM AND SERVE THE EMPIRE BETTER. OUR AGILE PILOTS HAD AN INFUSION OF THIS FOOD PRODUCT BEFORE THEY SET OFF. IN ORDER TO PRESERVE THEIR MEMORY, WE HAVE DITCHED OUR TRADITIONAL VENGEANCE SPRINKLES AND CHOSE TO IMPROVE THIS SOUP PRODUCT WITH PASTA SHAPES RESEMBLING TIE FIGHTERS AND AT-ATs. THIS WILL MAKE THE PRODUCT MORE INTERESTING TO YOUR YOUNGLING AND SOONER OR LATER, THEY WILL REQUEST TO WATCH PROPAGANDA HOLOTOONS AND PROMISE THAT THEY TOO WILL SERVE THE GALACTIC EMPIRE ONCE OLD ENOUGH.​

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TRICK THEM INTO SUBMISSION - PREPARE THEM FOR A FUTURE MISSION!​

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GET THE SERPENTS ON OUR ENEMIES' X-WINGS - CREAM OF VENGEANCE FOR THE WIN!​

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ANGRY MACE™ BRAND CREAM OF VENGEANCE SOUP. GET IT WHILE IT'S HOTH!™ SO GOOD THAT IT HAS TO BE YELLED OUT!​

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*CONTAINS 60% WATER, 15% GENETICALLY MODIFIED DUSTCORN FLOUR PASTA SHAPES, 5% ARTIFICIAL FLAVOURING, 20% REDUCED BANTHA LARD FROM OUR FARMS IN THE COLONIES AND 5% MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE. RADIATION LEVELS DETERMINED SAFE IN IDEAL SURROUNDINGS. PASTA SHAPES HAVE BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE SOME SIDE EFFECTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE LIMITED TO SUFFOCATION, RASH, HAIR AND FUR LOSS.​

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***Advertisement is over, back to the studio. The announcer looks remarkably confused.***​

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So, that's right - celebrate our victory with...vengeance soup, yes. Now back to "Bith Marriage".​

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***The scene resumes where it had previously stopped***​

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DIDDOMEL: "So, are we going to eat now? Let's see what they have at the nearby cantina."​

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GRER'LIN: "Look at what it says on the display. Today's table d'hôte features the ANGRY MACE™ SCALEFISH CHOWDER. Your favourite, darling!"​

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DIDDOMEL: "Oh, my Sith! Let's go in! I hope there are still free tables!"​

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Footnotes

Spoiler

I created “Bith Marriage” for a later chapter of The Blind Charts the Stars, but it was so unbelievably stupid that I just had to use it here and make the whole thing more absurd. I reckon that, in the days after the fall of the Empire, Doddomel and Grer’lin will be acting much, much different…

The Millaflower Lounge would be a club on Coruscant somewhere. Fanon.

The ingredients amount to 105% - you’re not seeing things and yes, it’s on purpose.

 

How did I know, just from the title, that this was going to have something to do with VENGEANCE SPRINKLES
!!!!

This was simply hysterical.

I actually burst out laughing at this!

That sounds so appetizing... not

Loved the blatant propaganda and the product placement!

 

Oh my! I didn't know what this was going to be, but something made me select this... and it was ANGRY MACE! It was so funny, especially the propaganda placement in the ad and the product placement in Bith Mariahe. Hilarious!

 

I have the feeling that ANGRY MACE™ is going to become a meme around here.

Whoever originally invented it, kudos. Because it's frickin' hilarious.

My brain came up with an ANGRY MACE™ joke when I was updating my food post in the fanon thread yesterday, and I couldn't. Not. Use it.

I think ANGRY MACE™ needs to have a post in the fanon thread, if it doesn't already.

 

The title was a grabber then the entire thing -- "Bith Marriage" - who watches that? And then the ad. "Cream of Vengeance Soup" Fantastic! Hilarious!

 

Oh, this is just great! Thank you, Ewok Poet; I think we've all needed some ANGRY! MACE! lately. I loved that the pasta was shaped like little TIE fighters, to entice the kiddies. The list of ingredients, with the notation on radiation levels, just put the whole thing over the top! And I liked that the announcement of this new product was SO IMPORTANT that the Empire had to break into regularly scheduled programming to announce it!

Hmm... bunny comes by...

 

gg

 

I like how there is 105% ingredients. Oh my goat, Cream of Vengeance soup! Too funny! And the soldiers were so pumped up and successful on Hoth because they ate dehydrated Vengance!!! And they put the blame for Palpatine's disfigurement on Angry!Mace throwing the soup at him! TOO MUCH LOLZ!!!



This is too, too funny. Great job here!

 

The side effects are a minor concern..... LOL Feed it to your Rebel Scum younglings, if they succumb to the side effects, they were to weak to be effective Imperial citizens anyway... LOL

The animated "Angry Mace" Windu ripping through the canvas to throw the soup at the holovid screen is hilarious!

 

There is no 'cream' in the ANGRY MACE™ soup! Where is the cream?! And....genetically modified dustcorn flour pasta shapes? LOL this is too funny.

 

ANGRY MACE FOR THE WIN!

It’s nice to see that as fully diversified as the ANGRY MACE line has become, the classic SOUP remains popular! Those genetically modified dustcorn shapes (made on Sacorria, no doubt, and also, no doubt Spin has the same subliminal advertising agency as Saygo!) are just the thing to trick your little womp rats rebellious hooligans precious younglings into submission and subservience! (Wondering now if that’s what Campbell’s and Kraft have in mind with their Star Wars pasta shapes )

The Empire interrupts its regularly scheduled propaganda to bring you this very special propaganda! Love the lore of Cream of Vengeance SOUP and ANGRY MACE disfiguring the Emperor with it (nice cover story there, Sheevster), and how it has nurtured the glorious Imperial troops to their glorious victory at Hoth, bringing glory to his glorious Imperial majesty! Did I mention it was glorious?

As always, the list of ingredients and potential side effects are priceless. @gizkaspice—of course there’s no cream in Cream of Vengeance SOUP, only ANGRY MACE artificial milk product! The fact that “Bith Marriage” itself contains thinly disguised propaganda (“Pehaps we really are an inferior species” ) and more commercials for ANGRY MACE scalefish chowder add a further touch of absurdity.

Can’t wait to see what further products Spin will add to their fabulous ANGRY MACE line!

 

What great propaganda!! (I think that's the first time I've ever said that.)
The fact that the food company is called "Spin" is such a great touch!

The "contains" section really cracked me up! It was reminiscent of the drug commercials we get here where the side effects can sometimes include "More major bleeding" and "death". I loved that they added up to 105%!
My favorite part was:

It really was the ideal surroundings that got me! I wonder what their ideal surroundings are?!

The title itself was hilarious so I knew the whole thing would be and I wasn't disappointed. Oh ANGRY MACE! How we love your products!