The Vader Monologues (humor)

The premise here is just what the title suggests--Darth Vader talking to himself. His two conflicted halves (Anakin/Vader) discussing this, that, and the other thing. Enjoy! Or not! More to come, if anyone's interested...

(Thanks go out to PeterTutham27--the only person who seems to be reading my "Boonta Eve Tale/ Rogue Droid Squadron" story . This wasn't exactly the fic you suggested, but you sparked the idea for it--so thanks!)



ABOARD THE DEATH STAR:

(Vader steps into a turbolift. It begins to rise.)

ANAKIN: Where are we going?

VADER: To the detention level, to interrogate the princess.

A: You're not going to hurt her, are you?

V: I am, yes.

A: Why, man? She's a cutie!

V: So what?

(pause)

A: Qui-Gon wouldn't approve.

V: Qui-Gon was weak.

A: He was awesome! He had that whole long-haired hippie thing going on!

V: He was a fool. Remember how he kept taking his bong out behind the pod-racer when he thought nobody was watching?

A: He said it helped him get in tune with the Force!

V: Riiiiight. If I'd followed in his footsteps, I'd be living on a diet of "herbal" brownies and trying to smoke anything I could set on fire...

A: Well, we're just Mr. Bitter today, aren't we?

V: We're Mr. Bitter every day.

A: Yeah, I've noticed. And look what it's doing to your health!

V: Being thrown into a fiery pit of lava had more to do with that, I think.

A: Is that what happened? I'm still a little fuzzy on that.

V: It is. And stop it.

A: Stop what?

V: You're trying to distract me from interrogating the princess.

A: Is it working?

V: No.

A: Crap.

V: I'm going to question her, I'm going to get the information I seek, I'm going to crush the Rebellion and restore order to the galaxy.

A: Well, it's all about you, isn't it?

V: Actually, yes. George said so.

A: Well...can you at least do it without hurting her?

V: Why? What would you suggest?

A: You could maybe...reason with her?

V: You've got to be kidding. There can't possibly be any reasoning with a woman who sports that hairstyle.

A: Well, you've got me there. But you could try. Remember all that stuff you read in that book, "Men Are From Corellia, Women Are From Dantooine"?

V: That's just a bunch of pap. I'm glad I had the author liquidated.

(The turbolift door opens, and Vader strides out into the detention block. The guards come to attention as he stalks past them down the corridor. He stops in front of Cell 2187, starts to reach for the door controls.)

A: Wait! Wait a second, man!

V: What now? Make it quick.

A: I've got an idea. It'll get you the information faster than your torture.

V: I'm listening...

A: *whisper*, *mutter*, *whisper*--

V: Oh, that *is* good! And they say *I'm* the evil one!

(Vader opens the door, steps inside. Leia faces him defiantly. He looms over her.)

VADER: (to Leia) Now, Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base...

(An interrogator droid floats into the chamber. The door hisses closed. Suddenly, a couple of speakers pop out of the interrogator droid and spicy Latin-style music begins to blare.)

VADER: (to Leia) Now, Your Highness, let us...MACARENA!

LEIA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!


Blind Man

The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille

 

A: Well, you've got me there. But you could try. Remember all that stuff you read in that book, "Men Are From Corellia, Women Are From Dantooine"?

V: That's just a bunch of pap. I'm glad I had the author liquidated.

ROFLOL!!! HAHAHA!!! That whole post was HILARIOUS! The Macarena, hehe..

 

Hehehe, so true, so true!

THIS WAS GREAT! Sorry about the caps, couldn't help it.

Any more one-posts? That was sooo funny!

 

Thanks for the kind words!

I've got a couple of other tales on the boards, which should be listed in my profile thing-a-majig, but they're not "one-posts" (Unless you count "Wink Blasterburn", simply because I haven't gotten around to continuing it yet.)

More "stand-alones" coming for this thread, though! Thanks for your interest!

Blind Man

 

I thought it was cool. Very origanal. Now will someone read my fan fic, A Chance to Take.

 

*LOL*

 

That was very, very funny.

What is wrong with the macarena though?

 

heh, you should make this a round-robin. There are so many scenes where this could be so funny

 

Heh, if this were a round-robin, I could do some serious Skywalker/Solo damage....



Totally hilarious! MORE!

 

Nice.

 

And what is wrong with the Macarena?????

Very cute. And I'm totally for the Round Robin thing.

 

Hehehehehe.... I like this, it's very funny.

A: Well, we're just Mr. Bitter today, aren't we?

V: We're Mr. Bitter every day.

That was my favorite line. Good work!

 

Oh, hilarious!

*A: Well, it's all about you, isn't it?*

*V: Actually, yes. George said so.*

I've NEVER heard such a perfect retort.

You should write some more of these, you really should.

 

Wow, thanks, everyone!

But as far as the whole "round robin" idea goes...and this is going to sound awful...I'd kind of, sort of, rather--not. I've got a lot of ideas for this one, and I wouldn't want to inadvertantly duplicate someone else's efforts, is all...

More to come soon, though!

Blind Man

 

Don't be sorry for not wanting this to be a round robin...it's your thread! Can't wait to see what else you come up with.

 

LOL!!

 

IN CLOUD CITY:

(After his duel with Luke, Vader watches as his son steps gallantly off the platform and plunges down the air shaft, vanishing from view.)

ANAKIN: Dude, did you see that? Did you *see* that dive?!!! WOW! That would have gotten him an 8.5 at the Galactic Olympics, easy!

VADER: It was courageous, I'll give him that.

A: Does the old man proud, doesn't he?

V: Indeed.

A: Kind of harsh on him, though, weren't you? I mean, you chopped his freakin' hand off. What's THAT all about?

V: He needed to be shown his place. He needs to be disciplined, turned from this foolish course he's chosen.

A: Man, if you want to discipline him, you smack him across the knuckles with a ruler. You give him a "time-out". You don't CHOP HIS FREAKIN' HAND OFF!

V: I have endured far worse. It builds character.

A: You know, I don't think you're going to win the "Parent of the Year" award.

V: Nonsense. I'm an excellent parent.

A: Puh-lease! I mean, you cut off your son's hand, you blow up your daughter's home planet--

V: What?! What daughter? I don't have--

A: Um...forget I said that.

V: Besides, when Luke and I have overthrown the Emperor and restored order to the galaxy, I'll make it up to him.

A: How?

V: I'll...buy him a puppy.

A: Cool! Buy him a wiener dog.

V: Why?

A: Wiener dogs are wizard, man!

(Vader clips his lightsaber back onto his belt and storms away, off the gantry and back into the city proper. In one of the city's bright corridors, some of Vader's troopers fall into step behind him.)

VADER: (to troopers) Bring my shuttle...

(The troopers hurry off.)

V: So...any ideas on how I'm going to explain this to my Master?

A: Man, that's right. Palpatine's going to be pissed! It sucks to be you, huh?

V: You *are* me.

A: That's what I'm saying. It *sucks* to be you.


Blind Man

 

*gasps for breath* THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!

A: Puh-lease! I mean, you cut off your son's hand, you blow up your daughter's home planet--

V: What?! What daughter? I don't have--

A: Um...forget I said that.

Weiner dogs, LOL! That was great, Blind Man!!!!

 

A: Man, that's right. Palpatine's going to be pissed! It sucks to be you, huh?

V: You *are* me.

A: That's what I'm saying. It *sucks* to be you.

Too funny!
Mind if I use it in my sig?

 

LOLOLOL!!!!! OMG this is soooooo hilarious! We need more!! ROTFLMAO!!!

*SuperFilly*

 

Yeah what filly said, your great man, this is really funny, join the psychotic padawans, and help us defeat wannabe bigman!

 

ROTFLMHO!!!!!!

Oh, gosh...that was simply INSANE!!!

x Clare x

 

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH DEAR FORCE, THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pause, gasp*

More?

 

i am finding that i do quite enjoy this bit of humor you are creating here.

in other words...keep going! we want more!

 

This is genius. Pure, simple, genius.