"A guy walks in to a bar..." -- tråd för skämt och gåtor! :)

Asså bry dig inte om han.. inte ditt fel att han inte fattar dina gåtor hehe

Aprentize! Släpp sargen o kom med i spelet nu hehehe

 

Precis.. det är ju inte hans fel att du inte förstår dina gåtor.... eller hur det nu var

 

Jag har ju för sjutton glömt att berömma dubbelve:t för ett underbart flygskämt. Alla flygskämt är bra skämt, så här kommer några till. Det är uppsnappad radiokommunikation mellan piloter och flygtrafikledning. Kanske inte riktigt lika kul för de som inte är insatta i flygvärlden, men jag tycker att de är underbara.



Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."


Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting.


A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

(ATC = Air traffic control, för de som inte visste)
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."


Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."

 

Härligt Lynx, mycket bra!

Biggles filosofi om flygning:

• När man flyger kan tvÃ¥ saker hända, antingen gÃ¥r allting som det ska eller sÃ¥ gÃ¥r nÃ¥gonting fel.


• GÃ¥r allting som det ska behöver man inte oroa sig. GÃ¥r nÃ¥got fel kan tvÃ¥ saker hända.


• Antingen sÃ¥ störtar man eller sÃ¥ störtar man inte. Störtar man inte behöver man inte oroa sig.


• Störtar man kan tvÃ¥ saker hända. Antingen sÃ¥ skadar man sig eller sÃ¥ skadar man sig inte. Skadar man sig inte behöver man inte oroa sig.


• Skadar man sig kan tvÃ¥ saker hända. Antingen repar man sig eller sÃ¥ dör man. Repar man sig behöver man inte oroa sig, dör man kan man inte oroa sig.

 

Tack för lite sköna skämt mitt i all diskning och städning (ja, jag har städat länge men det blir ändå inte mindre)

 

Alltså behöver man aldrig oroa sig! Biggles klippar.

Jag fortsätter på flygtemat med de grundläggande reglerna för flygning:


Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.


Sen har vi en riktig klassiker här: McDonnell Douglas questionaire


EDIT: Blowboards.

 

Haha, jag älskar det där formuläret. Tyvärr vet jag inte om jag tror på att det verkligen har funnits på McDonnel Douglas hemsida, jobbar man där borde man väl veta att F-14 Tomcat tillverkas av Grunman...

Ett riktigt dåligt skämt jag kläckte ur mig när jag och brorsan var ute och seglade häromåret:
-Men vad gör du, du kan väl inte gå MOT farleden!

 

Tack Lynx!

På tal om flygplan, här kommer en annan favorit:

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

 

Vi fortsätter väl på flygtemat. Även mekanikerna kan vara skojiga ibland.

Airline humor

Never let it be said that Australian ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by
QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline worldwide that has never
had an accident.)

("P" stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and "S"
stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: I F F inoperative.
S: I F F always inoperative in O F F mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engine
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

 

En inte helt politiskt korrekt historia.

Halfway through the flight the plane started loosing altitude. The pilot told the passengers "we have to dump the luggage or we will crash".
They threw out the luggage and the plane climbed to the previous altitud. After a while the plane started to descend again. The pilot said "We have to throw out some passengers or we will crash. Now I understand that this may seem a bit unfair, but we'll do this in a most democratic way, and use the alphabet. We'll start with A. Are there any africans aboard?"
No one answered
"Ok, B then. Are there any blacks aboard?"
No answer
"Are there any colored people aboard?"
A little boy turned to his father and whispered "Day, you always told me that we should be honest. We're colored, black, afro-americans, why don't you say something?"
"That's right my son, but not today. Today we're niggers"

 

German Airfield
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb


A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.

The pilot's sign read: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Overheard at Orlando International Airport.
A student pilot had just received clearance for departure from Orlando. The controller told him to make an immediate right turn after departure for noise abatement. The student was flying a Cessna 172 and was confused by the request for noise abatement. So he called the tower:

"Orlando tower, Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, please verify how a 172 can be involved in noise abatement."

"Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, because if you don't turn right now, it's gonna make a hell of a noise when that 747 on final hits you!"

 

Lägger in några till.

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, " I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Lufthansa(in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground(in English): If you want an answer you must speak English.
Lufthansa(in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unidentified English accent(before ground could answer): Because you lost the bloody war!!

Min absoluta favorit:
O'Hare Appr: United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.
United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the Fokker in sight!


Unknown Aircraft: I'm ****ing bored!
ATC: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown Aircraft: I said I was ****ing bored, not ****ing stupid!

 

någon måtta får det vara, varför ska jag få skit bara för att aleia inte kan formulera sig ordentligt?


En gåta:

Alive without breath
as cold as death
never thirsty, ever drinking
clad in mail, never clinking.

 

Den gamla damen besökte sin läkare och berättade för honom:
-Det är hemsk doktorn, mitt ben! Smärtorna kommervar tjugonde minut och vara i en vecka.



Jag kände en kille som var så snål att när de satte ett pris på hans huvud, anmälde han sig själv.



Man har nu gjort en uppföljare till den osynlige mannen. en kallas den osynlige mannens son och handlar om den stakars sonen som vill följa i faderns fotspår. Problemet är att han inte kan se dom.

 

-Vad kallas en person som säljer sig för pengar?
-Har personen hög lön är han/hon konsult, annars kollektivanställd.

 

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine
considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that
you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your
ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope
you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother
never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put
them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which
reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died
years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt
Berta and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I
would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with
would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched
that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my
cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about
me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my
heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more money,
because I know you need it for those expensive family
vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is --the one
with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from
my bosom.

Merry Christmas,.

Love, Mom

 

Jag kan köra några skämt/gåtor som jag redan har dragit på irc. Men det är säkert några som inte har hört dem?

Vilket djur bör man rådfråga innan man köper skor?
- Kängurun
Vilket djur går hem sist från festen?
- GÃ¥sen
Vilket djur tycker inte om nöjesparker?
- Antilopen

Tjo!

 

Det här är ett fruktansvärt dåligt skämt!!

Vad säger hästen när den är hungrig??

Svar: Hö! Hö! Hö!

 

OK, extrem nörd-varning på det här skämtet/gåtan. Ni som förstår det kommer jag personligen att stämpla "Teknologjävel" i ändan på. Om ni dessutom tycker att den är rolig blir det en stämpel i pannan också.


A passanger aircraft with only people from Poland as passengers was flying home to Warsaw. As they reached the capital city and started their descent, the captain told the passengers over the intercom: "If you all move over to the right side and look out, you will see Warsaw below us." The did this and as a result the aircraft crashed. Why?












NÃ¥gon aning?

















Because all the Poles were in the right half-plane.

 

lol!!!
*springer från Lynxs stämpel*

jag kunde ett ganska kul skämt. dock har jag glömt det. det brukar vara så.

 

varning!!!!lågvattennivå!!!!!

alla barn har skelett i garderoben utom min bror, han har nagellack. förlåt pelle, ANSIKTS-LIM heter de ja... det ser ut som nagellack!!!

 

Ahhhhhhhh!

LÃ¥gvatten!

Jag odrunknar!

Eh!

Eller så!

(Kan man odrunkna?)

 

Självklart. I Norrland kan man o-göra alla ord. Alltså kan man även odrunkna.

 

Haha <- skrattar gott

*springer o gömmer sig*

 

Vad sa musungen till sin mamma när han såg en fladdermus?
-Mamma, jag vill också bli pilot när jag blir stor.