Beyond - Legends A Million Glass Tears Unshed (Ben Skywalker Introspection)

Title: A Million Glass Tears Unshed
Author: Briannakin
Timeframe: Post FOTJ
Characters: Ben Skywalker
Genre: Introspection, Vignette
Notes: The 10th anniversary of my father's death is approaching. This was something I had to write. Much of this is based off of my feelings and my life.


It is hard for some people to pinpoint when they stopped being a child and became an adult. I suppose for many people the process was gradual, like in autumn when the leaves slowly change from green, to yellow, to orange, to red, like they are now. But for me, I know the exact moment I became an adult. My childhood blew up in an instant, like lightening hitting a tree. It was ten years ago today. I always thought of myself as a mature kid, I had a lot to deal with, but I was still a kid up until that day.

The day my mother died.

I remember that moment perfectly. My world crumbled at my feet, consuming me and ultimately my youth. I shed many tears that day as I found her body and stood by it until we were found. Every tear felt like glass, cutting my face. Many tears went unshed. It was easier that way.

I eventually learned that my cousin killed her. Somehow it didn't surprise me. I felt a lot of anger in those days. I was angry at my cousin for killing her, my mother for letting her get killed, my father for not stopping it, but mostly at myself, for being the reason why she died.

My anger faded, but has never completely died out, not that I'll admit to that. I learned to move on, first it was one day to the next, but eventually my grief became a part of me, a small nugget in my heart. I enjoy life now, even if it still hurts at times when I remember she isn't here.

I guess I became a bit of inspiration for some. When my friend's mom died five years after my own did (coincidentally the same day), I was her shoulder to cry on. I cried with her, but we have learned to laugh at our miserable lot of life. I'm a bit ashamed to say my motherless state has become a bit of a joke, but it makes it easier, and I don't think my mom would have minded. Last Fete week someone asked me what I was getting my mother (forgetting she was dead) and I just smiled and said “Nothing, she's a deadbeat mom.” (I loved my mother dearly and she was very active in my life, but I just had to).

Although I know it's been a full ten years since she died, I'm having problems believing it. I know she's gone. I don't hear her voice and I don't go to comm her, like in the early days. But it seems like yesterday I was sparring with her, hugging her and asking her what was for dinner. It's simply surreal to say, “My mother has been dead for ten years.”

This year is particularly hard for me. Just a few weeks ago, a man who was practically a father to my mother and a grandfather to me, Talon Karrde, died suddenly. I never realized how much he did for me. I cried when he died, both because I lost him, and because he was a connection to my mom.

I have shed a million glass tears for her over the past ten years, but I have left a millions more unshed.

 

That was gorgeous and moving!! As usual, you have Ben's emotions perfect. And for you, personally, !!! Thank you for sharing. [face_chocolate] because there needs to be one

 

Excellent work. I'm sad that Talon died. I really like him. I'm not looking forward to the time when the profics start having charcters die of old age.

Nice story and very sad.

Sorry about your loss. I lost both my parents in the last ten years also. It sucks.

 

Bri!

I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, I can't even imagine it, but this was beautifully and hauntingly written. I love the little jokes (the deadbeat mom) because I think that is so very real, at least from my prospective. I know that's how my family copes with things and while I know there are probably people who find it disrespectful, I find it quite the opposite.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

Thanks everyone.

As for the jokes, my aunt, sister and I started cracking them at my father's funeral, and have been doing so ever since (I've used the deadbeat line before). My grandmother didn't appreciate it, but we all thought it was hilarious. We did it again at my grandfather's funeral. We joked that we HAD to cremate him, just to make sure he was dead and not pulling one of his stupid pranks. Some people say we are horrible people, I say those people have no sense of humour.

 

What a powerfully well written piece. (And also sorry for your loss).

 

a very moving piece