Dear Hama... (bad advice columnist)

Silly Jedi! Mind tricks are for Sith!

 

Dear Nomi Jade,

Make ear candles!

-Hama

---

Dear The_Scarlet_Woman,

Yes, there is a cure. TV rots your brain. Watch music videos continuously (now available exclusively on MTV4) for about a week. You'll still speak your mind, but you'll have nothing to say.

-Hoochie Hama

[hr]

Dear Obsessed with Football in Albak . . . Tucson,

As I recall from my football playing days (back when Madden '92 came out), you can't beat a sweep right or safety blitz. Tap the "A" button rapidly when the opposing quarterback is about to hike the ball, and you can rush past the defenders for a sack.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear AnanomoyusTypoArtist,

I like the way you think, but there's a more effective way. Wait until the football team has a pep rally. Then get up in front of the school and ask the girl to dump her QB boyfriend and go out with you. Don't forget to bribe the marching band to play "Hot in Herre" by Nelly as you do an erotic dance. She's yours.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Panicked Fashion maven,

Only three days left? It's a good thing you wrote to me... umm... 48 days ago. Perhaps you should borrow my DeLorean and tell yourself in September to wear a tank top and "Daisy Dukes." Just remember to refill Mr. Fusion when you're done. And watch out for lightning.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear George_Roper,

Depends on which furniture store you go to. Not all of them will let you bring goats onto the beds.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear E.C.F.W.A.S.W.O. Hottie,

When trying to decide between love and indigestion, it's important to take a scientific approach. Narrow down the possibilities. You could take a couple of Prilosec, but that takes 1-4 days for results. A quicker way is to start talking about your "other boyfriends." After he runs out of the room, see if the feelings in your stomach remain. If so, it's indigestion.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Ellethwen,

If anyone can rescue a cat, it's your local fire department. Whether it's from a tree, or rooftop, or simply the back of a chair, they have the tools and the talent for the job. Have them bring in the firehose and drench the kitty. That'll teach it.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear The_Scarlet_Woman and Kir Kanos,

Ah... Wendy... [face_love]

[i]Ahem...[/i] back to work! [face_nerd]

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Oh crap it hurts again,

Get a friend (or an enemy... it really doesn't matter in this case) to hit you over the head with a wooden mallet. Suddenly, the pain in your side won't seem so bad.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear farraday,

You got a [link=http://www.spacew.com/]Solar Terrestrial Dispatch[/link]? You must be the envy of all your astronomer friends. Your bedmate would be lucky to get something like that from you.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Catastrophic in Carolina,

Encourage the bad behavior. Then give the cat away to someone you don't like.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Miss Sing,

Mary Anne is single and interested in me? Sorry, but I'm holding out for the movie star or the millionaire's wife. As for your own problem, I would have your boyfriend get plastic moulds of his arms made. Then hot glue them to the couch and you can be in his arms every night.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Mod-bolting RSA,

You need to order a keyboard like mine. I got mine free when I became a GSA back in the day.
[image=http://www.dylankinney.com/images/banbutton.jpg]

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Double Addicted in LA,

To cure your problem, you must drink your Diet Lime Coke and eat Pop Rocks at the same time. Your head may explode, but you won't be addicted to Diet Lime Coke.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Broke,

Now that you're experienced in washing smelly bosses with soapy water, open your own business. Call it "Boss Olfactory" or "B.O." for short.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear mikadojedi,

Only an email address? When you meet that special someone, you're supposed to give her your email address, home phone number, cell phone number, work phone number, fax number, home address, work address, parents' home address, times you're normally asleep, times

 

Dear Hama,

I'm taking this girl out to a movie friday, and I really like her.

What should I do to get the point across without being a pervert?

Sincerely,

Unnlimahted_POWUUH

 

Dear Hama,

You broke Mary Anne's heart. She threatening to take another 3 hour cruise.

Also the arms just aren't the same when they aren't attatched to him

So now I have a pair of plastic arms and no idea what to do with them. Help?

~ Miss Ery

 

Dear Hama,

So I started dating this great guy about a month ago, but alot of his friends think we are "closer" than we really are. They don't know I know about this tid-bit on information.... how should I honestly react to this? Should I be mad that they are jumping to conclusions, or just be a duck (and let it roll off my back)?

kthxbi!

~Mir

 

Dear Hama,

I have written a kick ass book and want to get Oprah to promote it on her show. It's called O[prah] RLY and is a tale about Oprah, if Oprah was an owl.

What can I do to increase my chance of success.

Sincerely,

Pen Name

P.S. if you go to the show the day she promotes it and get a free copy, I'll happily sign it for you for a large fee. Seriously. I'd be happy to.

 

"how should I honestly react to this? Should I be mad that they are jumping to conclusions, or just be a duck (and let it roll off my back)?"

I can't speak for Hama, but boys will be boys. I wouldn't necessarily let it roll of your back, or be a duck .

 

Dear Hama:

Everybody wants to kill me. I have no weapons. What do I do?

The Hooded One

 

Dear Hama;

Marry me.

 

Dear Unnlimahted_POWUUH,

The best part about taking a girl to the movies is that it's dark. So if you try putting your arm around her, and she doesn't like it, you can say "It's not me... it's the guy on the other side of you!" NOTE: This doesn't work if the lights are still on.

-Hama

---

Dear Miss Ery,

Bend the hands so that the fingernails are bent inwards. Now you've got a pair of back-scratchers that can reach almost anywhere.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Mir,

Do both. Be a mad duck. Flap your arms wildly, quack loudly, and peck at them with your bill.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Pen Name,

Place a copy of the book in the bottom of a box of donuts. Leave the box of donuts in Oprah's dressing room. When she's done eating the donuts, she'll be looking at your (slightly glazed) book.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Kir Kanos,

What's with the good advice in this thread? You're going to give this bad advice columnist a good name!

-Hama

[hr]

Dear The Hooded One,

I find that the box turtle style of kung fu works best in this situation. Crouch down on the ground, pull your head and arms into your shirt, and wait until the bad guys are gone.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Obi-Zahn Kenobi,

I'd rather just live together for a while and have your babies.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,
Why aren't there any words that rhyme with orange?
It sucks to be in citrus fruit marketing.
-Frantic in Florida

 

Dear Hama,

Should I join the Mormon Church?

- Surrounded by Mormons in the Mormon Corridor

P.S. Teh undarwaer rox.

 

Dear Hama,

There is a person that I want to cause bodily harm to, but if I do the girl of my dreams will hate me. What should I do?

 

Dear Hama,

How do I Wang Chung, and must I do it tonight?

--Confused DJ

 

Dear Hama,
Your response time sucks.
What can I do about it?
-Waiting in Waikiki

 

Dear Hama,

QFT.

- QFTing in QFTland

 

Dear Frantic in Florida,

Do what I do. Create new words and use the combined mighty powers of MySpace, Urban Dictionary, and Wikipedia to bring them into the mainstream. Here are some words I've created for you, along with their definitions. Feel free to introduce them into your lexicon.

• borange - (n) An incredibly dull manager. "I hope I don't fall asleep during the borange's presentation."
• forange - (v) browsing up and down the aisles of a hardware store, even though you have no immediate need for new tools. "Can I help you find anything? No thanks, I'd just like to forange for a while."
• snorange - (n) Snoring so loudly that your spouse tries to smother you with a pillow. "Honey, I love you... but if you can't control your snorange, you're going to die."
• doorange - (v) To kick the door in to a residence during a raid for bootleg music, DVDs, etc. "This is the Commissioner of Major League Baseball... take your finger off the 'Record' button or we will doorange you!"

-Hama

---

Dear Surrounded by Mormons in the Mormon Corridor,

I've discovered through years of careful study through undercover operations that the prospect of having multiple wives through the Mormon church is greatly overrated. I'm still ugly, and can't attract one wife, let alone three or four. So there's no real advantage to joining their church.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear EmpireForever,

This is one of those situations where having a few hired goons sitting around the living room is handy. Send a few of them to cause bodily harm. Then be standing by to console this girl of your dreams with words like "What kind of monster would do such a thing?" Then while she's sobbing on your shoulder, kick the guy while he's down.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Confused DJ,

According to the music video, it appears that you must move in a herky-jerky stop-motion manner, sometimes transposing your body with that of another person. The answer to your second question is yes, you must Wang Chung tonight. However, it's not just you... EVERYBODY has to Wang Chung tonight. Have fun tonight!

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Waiting in Waikiki,

Each response should be accompanied by a delivery of food products to my residence. I prefer deep-dish pizzas with pepperoni and mushrooms. I will also accept: General Tso's chicken, Hooters' hot wings, barbecued spare ribs, or mint chocolate chip ice cream. Combinations of the above merit the fastest response time.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear QFTing in QFTland,

[quote=Obi-Zahn Kenobi][quote=GIMER] Dear Hama,
Your response time sucks.
What can I do about it?
-Waiting in Waikiki[/quote]

Dear Hama,

QFT.

- QFTing in QFTland[/quote]

QFT. And thank you for the Hooters wings (and the delivery girl).

 

Dear Hama

Some years ago Iw wrote this to you in the last thread:

Date Posted: 12/12/01 9:09am Subject: RE: Dear Hama... (bad advice columnist)

Dear Hama,

What would you like my next question to be?

Yours sincerely

JK Pozzi

You replied:

Date Posted: 12/12/01 4:54pm Subject: RE: Dear Hama... (bad advice columnist)
Jedi knight Pozzi --
I would like your next question to be in one of the following areas of expertise (or lack thereof): computer tech support, cooking, animal rights, cheesemaking, or an analysis of the 2001 Detroit Lions' wins.

Sadly, and with the best will in the world, I find I cannot. I have tried, but I'm beginning to lose hope in this area. Whatever can I do?

Signed

Far Too Persistent.

 

Dear Hama -

I had a Brokeback Mountain experience with a police officer who doubles as a staffmember on a large, Star Wars-centric messageboard on the intraweb. How do I let him know that I just can't quit him?

Sincerely,
Puddin' Eating Cowboy-Droid

 

Dear Far Too Persistent,

Several years have passed, and my areas of expertise have grown considerably. You may now submit questions to me in the following additional topics: bottled water, the Atari 7800, AOL free trial CDs, Listerine pocket paks, samurai swords, 70's disco/funk music, and batting statistics for the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals.

-Hama

---

Dear Puddin' Eating Cowboy-Droid,

Send him small token gifts. A vintage Village People album on vinyl. Doilies for his furniture. A subscription to the "Fudge of the Month" club. A pair of monogrammed spoons. He'll be yours forever. Send me a picture of the happy couple.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,


My wife is three months pregnant and frankly the hormones are getting to be too much to bear. I her to take some pills or something. How should I tell her this without her not having sex with me ever again?

Sincerely.
Pogey

 

Dear Pogey,

If your wife is three months pregnant, chances are that she's already made up her mind to never have sex with you again. You might as well take this opportunity to tell her whatever you want. Don't forget to make "moo" sound effects everywhere she walks.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,

I have this tooth that cracked the other day. I can't afford the dentist...so what's the best way to pull it out?

Sincerely,
Face Mob Jackson

 

Dear Face Mob Jackson,

My recommendation is simple. Walk up to friends, family, co-workers, and random strangers. Point out your cracked tooth. Make bad, overused puns. For example: "You want the tooth? You can't handle the tooth!" At least one person will punch you in the mouth for making such a terrible joke. Remember to turn your face so that the cracked tooth intercepts the punch. There might be additional teeth knocked out, but consider that an investment towards the cost of future dental work.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,

Is waxing the steps to the ladder and then letting someone use it wrong?

Slippery in Sante Fe