Dear Hama... (bad advice columnist)

Dear Hama,

I keep forgiving people, even when they aren't sorry. People, who like, hit me with cars and stuff. What's wrong with me and what can I do about it?

TM

 

Dear Hama,

I just learned that Philip Wise is running for Sheriff of my town. What should I do?

DC

 

Dear Slippery in Sante Fe,

No. Waxing stairs and letting someone use them is not wrong. Unless you make a crappy "Home Alone" sequel -- THAT would be wrong.

-Hama

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Dear ?,

Clearly, you need to understand what it's like from their perspective. Hit someone with your car. Take notes on the person's resulting behavior and actions. Spend some time reflecting on this person's lack of forgiveness and how you can incorporate it into your own personality.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear [image=http://www.dylankinney.com/images/DCcomicsLogo.gif],

If you're really working for DC Comics, perhaps you could ask Batman to run against Philip Wise for Sheriff. No one would vote against Batman.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,

I've calculated that I take an average of 4,989 steps (not including stairs) at work everyday and my feet have recently started to ache, what can I do to prevent my arches from dropping?

Fearing Flatfeet

 

Dear Hama,
I bit my lip rather severely and have swallowed approximately two gallons of blood in the last three minutes. Not a question, just wanted you to know.
-OWNED

 

Dear Hama,

I'm having my first party at my new home. What should I serve?

Charbroiled in Carolina

 

Dear, Hama.

I've been going to the Jedi Council forums for about five years now, but very few people know or notice me. What cou;d I do to make myself more popular and/or famous.

 

Dear Hama,

how do I get JediAngela to forgive me? I already changed my icon and became a Yankee's fan.

 

Dear Hama,

I'm very happy to see your name again. Recently, I've become very sick. If I eat anything except rice, chicken, or soup, I get nasty abdominal pains. The doctors can't figure out what's wrong with me. Which one should I kill first?

Sincerely,

Painful in Seattle

 

Dear Hama,

How do I get a date witht he girl of my dreams?

-Dave

 

Dear Fearing Flatfeet,

To answer your question, I went to an expert on arches. Specifically, golden arches. Ronald McDonald has been pantomiming arch shapes in the air for decades, which transform into golden (unfallen) arches. His secret? Large red clown shoes that are about 14 sizes too big. Might want to take them off in revolving doors and crowded elevators.

-Hama

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Dear OWNED,

It's good to stay hydrated. You're supposed to drink eight glasses of water, and since your body is 80% water, you're actually ahead for the day. You should severely bite your lip more often.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Charbroiled in Carolina,

I recommend serving some Soylent Green. If unexpected guests show up, just make more. It's the perfect party food!

-Hama

[hr]

Dear plo_koom,

Nothing gets you noticed around here like poor math skills. Post a self-congratulatory thread about your five years on the board. Within minutes, you'll have hundreds of responses. Ignore the naysayers who remind you that 2006 minus 2002 is four years.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Jabba-wocky,

She'll never forgive you if you're willing to change loyalties to please her. Be a rebel. Root for the Cardinals. You can buy playoff tickets or a Pujols jersey at the [link=http://cardinals.mlb.com/]Official St. Louis Cardinals homepage[/link]. 2007 season passes are also available. Who wouldn't want to go see a game in the new Busch Stadium? Order today!

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Painful in Seattle,

Kill the chicken first. Eating live chickens is probably what's causing your abdominal problems. The rice and soup can live a while longer.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Dave,

Get the other guys in her life to root for the Cardinals. Then show up at the door in a Yankees jersey. She's yours.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,

The "Oil" light came on in my car. I drove for a few hundred more miles to see if it would go off on its own, but it hasn't. What should I do?

-Mechanically Disinclined

 

Dear Mechanically Disinclined,

The problem is caused by fast food drivethrus. You can't resist reaching in the bag on the way home and eating a few handfuls of fries. The oil on your fingers gets all over the steering wheel, and your car senses this. Get some Lysol and clean off your steering wheel. And would it kill you to order a freakin' salad once in a while?

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,
How have you been?
Did you have a nice summer?
How is your wife?
I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want.
Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible.
If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money.
How about tens and twenties?
-Sally

 

Dear Sally,
I'm fine. Summer was good. My wife is still denying that we ever got married. Something about never having met me before or some weird detail. I've got plenty of tens and twenties to send you. Of course, they're Canadian tens and twenties. I've been using them to provide extra padding in the couch cushions. Perhaps they can keep you warm if you burn them during the cold winter months ahead.

-Hama

 

I'm likin' your new color scheme, Hama! Very

 

Dear Hama,

I am faced with the inevitable problem of having to pay for grad school. How do you think I can make the money?

Ownedstrich

 

Dear Hama,

I recently was lucky enough to view a copy of the 2006 Mr. Star Wars contest from D*Con. I now have horrifying dreams of you and Nabooty taking over the world. How do I make these dreams stop?


~m80

 

Dear Hama,

I've been reading your column all morning and have finally reached the last page. Will you pay me for the time wasted, brain cells lost, and injuries sustained while laughing uncontrollably and having my family members throw things at me to get me to stop?

Sincerely,
Needing a Refund

 

Dear Hama,

What should I tell my mom to tell my grandma who is asking what my boyfriend wants for Christmas? We've been dating for three years, but this Christmas will be the first time my grandma is meeting my boyfriend. She wants to give him a present, but he doesn't want anything. What should I tell my grandma to get him, so she has the happiness of buying presents?

Curious in Chicago

 

Dear Ownedstrich,

There are many secrets to successful grad student panhandling. First is personal hygiene. Get rid of it. No one is going to believe you're a needy grad student if you wear deodorant or brush your teeth. Go without showering for a few weeks. If your teeth are still relatively clean, wedge something brown and/or green between two front teeth. The best cardboard signs can be made from boxes left out behind appliance/electronics stores. Sharpie? markers are easily shoplifted. For your sign, make sure you throw in at least one typographical error. This may cause you personal anguish if your major is anything in English, literature, or journalism, but it's worth the sacrifice. Write something like "Please fead my puppy!" Remember, the sign will be facing away from you, so you won't have to read the typo. Then adopt a malnourished puppy or kitten. If you squeeze its rib cage, it might even make a small pathetic cough on cue when you are trying to play on sympathies of animal lovers. If you get thirsty during your panhandling labors, remember to choose your beverage carefully. No one will take you seriously if you're drinking Dr. Pepper, Aquafina, or worst of all -- Zima. Stick with hard liquor, or Listerine. Working outside in the rain is worth at least an extra 50 cents per hour.

-Hama

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Dear m80,

The dreams will stop when it becomes a reality. Vote Hama/Nabooty in 2008. We're running on a platform of tax breaks for JC registration dates of 2003 and earlier, 75% pensions for retired Moderators, and Cheetos and applesauce on every table. If we win, I'll make you UN ambassador to Tahiti.

[hr]

Dear Needing a Refund,

Store credit only. You may exchange the first few pages of this thread for the next four pages. There will be a 25% restocking fee.

-Hama

[hr]

Dear Curious in Chicago,

Christmas is a magical time of year, when grandmothers can dote on their grandchildren (and their boyfriends). Sometimes it's not the gift itself that means something to the recipient, but the thought behind it. Nothing says "I want great-grandbabies" like the gift of fur-lined handcuffs.

-Hama

 

Dear Hama,

I have a friend who is sad that his SS gift has not yet arrived. How do I cheer him up?

Connie Sernd

 

Dear Hama,

My baby momma is demanding child support, but then I won't have enough money to buy an Xbox. How do I get rid of her?

 

Dear Hama,

I bought a computer game from eBay. Every time I try to install it I get a 'kernal error.' I have the drive space and meet all the system requirements. But it won't work.
The eBay seller I bought it from takes returns for faulty merchandise but what if it is user error and I look dumb? What should I do?

--Dazed and Confuzzled

 

Dear Connie Sernd,

When someone's Secret Service gift hasn't arrived, it's often difficult on a young special agent. Especially if this is his first Christmas with the agency. The best way to cheer up this friend is to go to the Secret Service, carve a circular opening in a glass skylight above the SS gift storage area, lower yourself down via rope and pulley system, grab a gift, and simultaneously substitute a bag of sand with similar weight. Your friend will cheer up dramatically when he gets his SS gift.

-Hama

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Dear EmpireForever,

Sell the baby on the streets. You'll never have to worry about child support again, and you might have enough left over for an extra X-Box game or two.

-Hama

[hr]

I get kernel errors all the time. Usually it means that I didn't leave the bag of popcorn in the microwave long enough. If you're trying to use your microwave's "Popcorn" button, consider simply setting the timer for an extra amount of time (say, five minutes) and listening for the sounds of the popping kernels yourself. Once your computer game is done making popping sounds in the microwave, it's ready.

-Hama