1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga - OT EP's Neck of the Woods | One-shot/vignette thread 2015-2017

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Ewok Poet, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. Shira A'dola

    Shira A'dola Jedi Master star 6

    Sep 4, 2012
    I said so in the beta, but this was seriously amazing, Ewok! I had the biggest grin on my face while reading this and I love that you made them friends in the Academy together!
  2. divapilot

    divapilot Force Ghost star 4

    Nov 30, 2005
    Such a cool little story! I guess traveling in space for so long can get boring, even on a star destroyer. I like the idea that they've been friends for so long that they can be so casual and open with each other.
    And Piett with a copy of the Juicy Blabber...:p
  3. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Feb 27, 2014
    This is one of those situations where, because I helped beta something, I got myself under the impression that I'd posted a public comment on it already but didn't... and of course those are two different things. So I'm going to rectify the situation now, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to do so!

    I love how this piggybacks so well on Shira A'dola 's "Mondo" story. Like Nyota's Heart says, the whole concept of the same figure being scary and malevolent in one culture and fun and benevolent in another is just so cool. (Kind of like how dragons in Western lore breathe fire and are evil creatures, but in Chinese lore they breathe drops of water and are benevolent and lucky—and yes, I know it's technically not the same kind of beast, but it's the example that popped into my mind.) That moment where Jaye fears the Mondo of his memories may be real is so priceless—but the thing is, the existence of the other Mondo in some ways does make both Mondos extra-real. Especially given that the Axxilan custom is to dress people up as Mondo, the way people dress up as Santa Claus on parts of Earth—and wow, even though you don't describe the Mondo attire, what an image to picture Firmus dolled up in some kind of legendary getup and handing out presents to younglings. :D

    The way you tied the concept of the ecumenopolis into the Axxilan Mondo legend is a really cool touch and is exemplary of how to do cultural history in the GFFA. We on Earth are low on light for half of the year, but on an ecumenopolis, as you point out, they're low on light a lot more often than that, which makes a "bringer of light" figure something much more serious and compelling than just a GFFA equivalent of Santa Claus. That he brings that light primarily to the poor and disadvantaged brings to mind the original St. Nicholas, and I imagine similar legends being told about him. That's

    Some other random nuggets of awesome:
    – as leiamoody pointed out, the Juicy Blabber—and the fact Firmus's obliviousness to the busty Twi'lek on the cover busts that "military men are always horny" stereotype;
    – the fact that "Legends!" is a thing these two share—and that word of course for us SW fans of a certain age has very specific associations;
    – the mouse droid that immediately appears on the scene to clean up (hmmm, where have we seen that before? ;) );
    – the nebula that seems to be winking in agreement with Firmus's wink (a very, very EP touch).

    Great job bringing these borrowed characters and their friendship into a really swell little tribute to Admiral Volshe 's and Shira's friendship! =D=
    Ewok Poet likes this.
  4. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    These are replies to your comments on Two Sides to Every Story. Thank you so much for everything you said, all cool observations you made - especially those related to cultural differences. :)

    You *know* which letter I would use in response here...;)

    You deserve to be spoiled, I says. :D

    Hint: you can draw pretty well, so maybe...just maybe...

    Those things were meant to be funny, but more of cute-funny than haha-funny, so I'm relieved that they worked. :D




    Didn't even think about it, actually - thanks for pointing it out. Sugar skulls come to mind, and the idea of 4 being a scary number in eastern Asian countries. I'm determined to find more examples now...[face_thinking]

    To be fair, your spins on various characters did sort of start it and the idea was probably at least in the back of my mind when I came up with this collab, so...thank you. :)

    Now, there's a story for you to explore...something that comes before I Rise, perhaps. ;)

    That's one thing that's been on my mind so, so many times when reading fics with bulk of the events or a significant arc of the storyline taking place aboard a spaceship. The darkness, the cold, just...eeek. There's got to be something similar to SAD associated to space! One needs to have friends to warm up and colour those cold, dark eternal nights in the vacuum of space. :)

    He must be delighted...:p Totally the kind of literature for somebody like him.

    That happened to me, with [what I think is] your best piece...nothing bad about it and nothing to be sorry about. :)

    I remember being totally foggy when I read "Mondo" for the first time, I couldn't concentrate, regardless of how short and straight-to-the-point the story was. Once it made sense, I thought that the way she utilised the story beginning she got was pretty creative and unexpected. My fascination with it probably lead me to this, I just needed to add something to that myth, because it was so cool!

    And here is my answer to what I said to Nyota's Heart above - I did not realise this about Chinese lore and dragons before, now I totally need to read more about it. :) careful what you wish for and all...:p

    As said earlier, Admiral Volshe should totally give that a go, no pressure, no pressure...[face_whistling]

    I did have that on my mind, given that Ol' Saint Nick protected prostitutes, the poor and unfortunate, so I assumed the Mondo would do the same - care about the kind of people who would live on the underlevels. And, since he also protects the seafarers and sailors...the analogy to Axxila and Piett posing as him just got more interesting. ;)

    Valyn is canon to me and Firmus has no eyes for anybody else. @};-

    [face_whistling] [face_peace]

    I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MOUSE DROIDS. I AM NOT OBSESSED WITH MOUSE DROIDS. IT WAS NOT A MOUSE DROID. *jumps through the viewport into the vacuum of space and becomes a space squid*

    I guess it is what I would do, as it came so natural that I totally forgot I did it. [face_blush]

    ...which was the point, once this grew beyond wishing well to just one of them. Glad the point has been made.
    Findswoman and Admiral Volshe like this.
  5. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    In My Dreams

    Genre: Romance, Angst, Crack!fic
    Characters: Unnamed female narrator, mentions of Prequel Trilogy characters
    Timeframe: Sometime in 21 BBY / 25 BBE
    Rating: G
    Summary: A young Naboo woman rants about her crush in her personal journal. Or out loud.

    A/N: This is one of my responses to First Sentence Challenge (the French literature edition), plus today is the Valentine's Day. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! [face_love]

    My last year's Valentine's Day story, Nuv, can be read here.

    Our dreams are a second life. Our dreams reveal our deepest secrets and desires. And I cannot help thinking that's true. My dreams have recently replaced the grimmest of the grim realities. They are so good that I don’t want to wake up. Now or ever.

    For it’s only in my dreams that I can be with him.

    He’s nothing like the boys I know. <3

    They’re so dumb and immature!

    They don’t know what they want!

    They don’t know what they’re missing.

    They would disappear whenever I told them what I wanted.

    And it’s not like I wanted sex or marriage.

    I need love. I need somebody to be by my side, to hold my hand. Hold it the way I want him to – firmly enough to show me that he rules my world, but gently enough to sweep me off my feet. He looks like somebody who would be more than capable of it. One can see it in his posture – he is ruthless, but fair. I know that there is good in him.

    From the day I found out about him, I’ve been slowly taken over by his charm, his iron fist and his overall relentlessness. And I stopped crying about this or that boy at the Lyceum, once and for all. I realised that I don’t need boys. I need men. And I found my man. I found him where I least expected to find him.

    It’s not only that I'm attracted to him. I stand up for his cause, too. Doing what he’s doing requires the amount of courage and honour I cannot even grasp. The Galaxy is a closed space, so to say. It’s not like the Separatists can truly *separate* from the rest of us physically, you know? Opposing the Republic and creating own resistance moment to fight against those unfair laws the Coruscanti establishment has been imposing on us for nearly twenty-five millennia is something only great, great beings can do! And I’m so happy that he’s a part of it. More freedom to everybody, I say! The Republic should not control everything! Do they think the universe belongs to them or something? More freedom!

    I went to a therapist yesterday. She wants to talk to my parents. She told me to come to my senses and to see things as they are. She asked me if she could be casual with me, I said yes and she mentioned this “Darth Malak in leather pants” HoloTrope. Just how dare she? That, that offended me personally and there is no way in hell I’m going to see her again. Same goes for Broga. The therapist said that I should make up with Broga, because she wanted to help me, but kriff that, too. Broga told me that he was nowhere near handsome. Is she a specieist or what? She’s just another product of the fake “true artist” milieu that our planet is known for – they’re all for freedoms, yet they're always telling you how to live your life. She looks at the Livet tower, says a prayer to everybody who has ever died and is angry that I don’t do the same…yet, from the way she doesn’t appreciate my Love’s inner beauty, I know she’s just plain horny. She will hit the bunk with the first piece of Republic scum that comes her way. They all look the same, anyway, so her taste isn’t the best ever. And she’ll walk like a demented quadduck come next morning, while I will be sitting here, preserving my purity for the one I love.

    Don’t even get me started on the argument on HoloNet the other day. Some jerk from the University of Byblos went all Sacorrian on me and told me that I’m just a little girl who doesn’t know anything about real life. He used all these…all these big words to put me down and tell me that my understanding of the siege of my own planet has no base in this space time. Well, he has no space in my space time, either. I just went and dianoga’d the whole conversation chamber with pictures of dead Gungans. They blasted me out and I can’t send messages until the next New Year’s Fete.

    But do I care? No!

    All these arguments make me tired. So tired. No use proving my right.

    And then they all dare to ask me what’s wrong with me?! I should ask them what’s wrong with them! I have my standards.There is nothing wrong with a 17-year-old woman knowing what she wants from life. And once again, my love is more of the divine kind, almost like a Force connection! I could have whomever I would want to – the Maker knows I’m beautiful…but I really want him. I can imagine us together on a throne, ruling the Galaxy. I can imagine us having the palace in Theed to us for the time being, tee-hee. Stupid senator Amidala just…just didn’t understand what kind of potential she was dealing with. Perhaps that’s why she’s no longer our queen, anyway! I heard there was some sort of an accident on Coruscant, resulting in death of two of her precious handmaidens. She is yet to get what’s coming for her, the nerf she is. Same goes for representative Binks. He will eat a rotten fish and die, as simple as that!

    Then Chancellor Palpatine will feel threatened and he will abdicate, thinking he’s the next Naboo on the list.

    And then the Republic will crumble.

    And then my Love will come here, again.

    And I will walk right up to him...

    ...the rest should be pretty obvious.

    I can’t wait for that day to come and I know that it will. I can’t stop thinking about him. The more I read about him, the more I love him. It annoys the kriff of me that people cannot understand him!

    I love you.

    I love you.

    I love you, Nute Gunray. More than you will ever know.

    Last edited: May 10, 2018
  6. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Oh sheer fun [face_mischief] Do you wanna know who I was practically prepared for her to be in love with? [face_shhh] [face_rofl] Jar Jar! Actually! 8-} [:D]
    Ewok Poet likes this.
  7. leiamoody

    leiamoody Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 8, 2005
    I...have no...this girl...has no taste...:rolleyes:

    But the heart wants what the heart wants...or the heart and loins...or both...or something...

    Anyway, just wanted to say I love this piece. It's sufficiently twisted. :D
  8. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Feb 27, 2014
    Hah! [face_laughing] Ever since you mentioned the concept of this (which I know you've had percolating for a bit now), I've been curious to see what form it would take. Well, he's certainly a snazzy dresser, that's for sure! :D

    So many fun things here. The speaker's love for Nute Gunray is so totally unconventional and yet so totally conventional at the same time. Unconventional in her choice, of course—this is definitely not the gent one imagines arm in arm with a respectable young Naboo lady. But we see in spades the familiar old "I and my love are the only things that can fix this man whom no one understands" fantasy—and its corollary, the (utterly priceless) "Darth Malak in leather pants" holotrope (wow, and that character in leather pants is an image in itself, let me tell you. :p ) There's also the insistence that her love is greater and purer than other people's love, notably that of Broga for whatever "Republic scum" she may end up with—and in its way that's a conventional trap into which to fall, too (one which in RL can have pretty rough results). But given the utter unlikeliness that our heroine will ever get to meet up with the man of her dreams, I suppose I shouldn't worry and just enjoy the romp! :D

    It's also neat to see someone, whether tongue-in-cheek or otherwise, trying to make sense of the Separatist conflict; it's not totally wrong to point out the existence of an elite Coruscanti establishment that likes to throw its weight around, even at this early pre-Clone Wars stage.

    Some miscellaneous fun touches:
    - "get all Sacorrian on me": This made me smile, knowing as I do the main themes in your Sacorrian oeuvre. I can imagine that the reference is to their rule against "canoodling with offworlders."
    - The GFFA take on internet arguments. Just hilarious, especially "dianoga’d the whole conversation chamber with pictures of dead Gungans" and getting banned/blasted. In just that one little paragraph you've introduced enough cool lingo to do a fanon post on Holonet messaging and its related terminology! :D
    - The cameo of Representative Binks. Little does she realize the staying power he will have!

    This was immensely fun—a real V-Day romp! =D=
    Last edited: May 10, 2018
    Ewok Poet likes this.
  9. CheckSix

    CheckSix Jedi Padawan star 1

    Dec 15, 2015
    Grimmest of grim, indeed !! Nute Gunray???? Hysterical!
    Ewok Poet likes this.
  10. whiskers

    whiskers Jedi Grand Master star 4

    May 19, 2005
    "Oh, that's so sweet, such a great diary entry of forbidden love between a person in the Republic who's pining for a Separatist hero. It's probably someone like Dooku or some minor hero."

    *chokes from laughter*

    Extremely well done, Ewok Poet. And that twist at the end... Holy crap!
  11. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    Yuppers, when Poet wants to make the reader laugh, you cannot. eat or drink while reading. ;)
    Findswoman , whiskers and Ewok Poet like this.
  12. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    I dianoga'd the owner of this stupid furry wermo from an Outer Rim planet no being has ever heard of. Yeah, "Forest moon of Endor", like that exists. Broga, why don't you admit it's you??? Come and show yourself.

    HELLO, BROGA. I'M TALKING TO YOU, you hyper-demented kaadu! >____<

    Broga, you're underestimating my taste!!!!

    I...I don't like his jawline. His lack of a firm hand. He would not make a husband who can show me both heaven and hell. ON TOP OF THAT, HIS CLOTHING STYLE IS HORRIBLE. What kind of a respectable being would ever wear that vest without a proper dress shirt underneath? Binks-shminks. Pffft. Niiice try, tho. [face_praying]

    And YOUR taste is better? Broga, you're trying SO hard with these clone-handles, I almost pity you. Did you go to Kamino to have the longnecks personally create each of these handles for you? Do you really think I would not recognise your writing style?

    P.S. I was reading your diary. You shouldn't be mentioning any loins, or I'm telling your mother what happened at the Lake Country. You will be grounded until the next supernova.

    Is that you laughing at me? You're pathetic, Broga!

    And he is certainly not going to dress like YOU.

    True love sees no form, colour and starsystem. Don't even try to get me down. Don't even try to talk back to me.

    Wait, is that a Gand? I have some pictures of them during "chemical baths". Now, THAT is nasty! Not that bugs aren't nasty in the first place. I get the noble necessity to lay eggs, but YOUR bugs have no redeeming qualities.

    I was friends with a necrophiliac for seventeen years! Go and apply for a casting for one of those "Wookie Grandpa" movies, the after-midnight edition. [face_devil]


    I am moving the Galactic capital to Kaantay and everybody will be speaking Pak-Pak. Down with Coruscant and useless lazy Senators. KRIFF THE GALACTIC REPUBLIC.

    Nute, tho. <3 <3 <3

    Broga, you will be hysterical when my man Nute is holding my hand while an army of Super Battle Droids sings our song. I tell you, I'm going to laugh so hard. Buuuurn!

    Yeah, and? Are you trying to win ME through false flattery? Sorry, dude, Nute clearly came before you and Naboo men are so passé, anyway. Go kiss an opee sea killer. xoxo

    A fitting ending for a TRAITOR like you, Broga. :rolleyes:

    You'd better watch yourself while eating, reading or drinking yourself, never know if that water is really water and so on...this is a fair warning from your former friend. I know some powerful people, e.g. Nute Gunray. <3

    Now, that was fun, wasn't it? Thank you for all your responses. While erotomania is a scary subject in general, teenagers like our heroine are - hopefully - likely to grow out of it!

    And, to answer @Findswoman's question: I thought of "going Sacorrian on somebody" as a take on the Earthly neologism "mansplaining".
    Last edited: May 10, 2018
    Findswoman and whiskers like this.
  13. leiamoody

    leiamoody Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 8, 2005
    Pssht...whatever, sweetie...I've got twenty hours of vid with you doing THINGS with that hydrospanner...yeah, you put on one hells of a performance. :eek:

    Ewok Poet likes this.
  14. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Procrastinating His Hair

    Genre: Crack!fic
    Characters: Boss Whatever Tarkin, Captain Jar Jar Binks, Admiral Droopy McCool, Princess Firmus Piett, a roba formerly known as Tiaan Jerjerrod.
    Timeframe: Around the time of the Battle of Yavin, but in an Alternate Universe clearly superior to George Lucas' original.
    Rating: G
    Summary: This is exactly what happens when a certain exhaust port vulnerability is exploited two decades earlier...

    A/N: This story’s existence is the fault of none other than Admiral Volshe - the title was taken from a reply in a private conversation with her and Findswoman back in November 2015. The said reply was indeed about Tarkin; more specifically, about drawing his hair. I thought I could write something using those three words as a prompt and she requested for Droopy, Jar Jar and "lots of Imperials" to be in the resulting story. I took some creative liberties.

    Droopy McCool burped out loud. Admiral Droopy McCool, out of all possible beings on the Imperial Starsey Sparkley Bongo Guardian LXVI! Shock horror, shock horror, shock horror and more shock horror! A supernova of nothing but rays of pure shock shook the delicate skulls of Boss Whatever Tarkin and Princess Firmus Piett. Poor Jerjerrod couldn’t afford being shocked – he was now a roba with a curly little tail, and any stress would have clogged his blood vessels to the point where he was in high risk of a fatal stroke.

    This business of burping was highly unusual. McCool was not eating much and burping was a rare occurrence in his past career as a musician, thus seemingly more unusual now that he was in command of an Imperial Starsey Sparkley Bongo. And he was more or less annoyed with the fact that he was not able to burp on demand in the said past, as that would have contributed to his overall stage persona.

    “I thought we were professionals!” Princess Piett shook his head, heavy under the pressure of two enormous hair extensions shaped to look like pastry. “That is what we had studied on Carida for!” He looked at his own reflection in the nearby mirror. “Then again, with these ‘fresher bowls placed around instead of actual seats, one can’t resist but…”

    "Professionals? That is what we were, yes, until that wermo over there-" Tarkin pointed to captain Binks "-blew up the Death Star in early stages of its build. He also managed to get rid of the Sith lords. So, now we’re fighting a very strange war.”

    “A war?” Piett put both hands on his mouth. “I thought this was an opera! Wasn’t Darth Vader meant to come and guest star as himself?”

    "Mesa mooie mooie sorry, boie!" Binks shrugged and grinned, in a manner otherwise seen only in minor government officials on Sacorria. "My wanten sticken tongue into conservator...of course! There besa scalefish! Doo, ree, mee…"

    "That was NOT a conservator! It was the most vulnerable part of the system. Have you ever heard of exhaust ports?" Tarkin removed the thin slices of Endorian cucumber from underneath his eyes, rolled them and placed them inside of his ears, clearly irritated by Binks’ squealing. “Ouch, my ear drum! Binks, I will deal with you soon enough, I swear!”

    "Yesa! Mesa always exhausten when spaken to yousa, at the port!" Binks sighed. “And then, this time, mesa been mooie exhausted and Vader went asplode…likey…kablamo! Boopjak!” He sat down, cradling his head in his long ears. “Mesa meanen…Death Star besa nova, mesa captain of new bongo!”

    “If the one we’re missing here is Vader, then how come I am the princess?” Piett was concerned. “I thought there were no princesses in this story. Also, Tarkin…the towel on your head is about to fall off. Space is cold, you know? You don’t want to risk acute facial nerve paralysis!”

    McCool nodded. “There is a princess of some planet, the name of which begins with an A. But since we have no proper maps, given that Jerjerrod ate them after he was transformed into a roba…the only “A” planet we are aware of is Axxila. Your homeworld, Princess Piett!”

    Princess Piett ran out of arguments. In some other world, he could have been an admiral. But in this world, his destiny has bestowed a far more graceful role upon him. Who was he to argue?

    “So, captain Binks, what planet are we going to fish on next?”

    Binks’ tongue pointed to the yellow dot on the lower right edge of the starfield visible through their viewport.

    “That’s Gamorr! I’m out of here, really!” Tarkin was furious. “The last time we were there, so many suspicious-looking local individuals were lusting over Jerjerrod. We had to dress him up in a pair of chastity robapanties!”

    “Oink!” The roba squeaked its way to the first available ‘fresher-seat. Only its little curly tail and stubby hind legs remained sticking out of the bowl. Poor Jerjerrod. Poor, poor Jerjerrod.

    “Do you see it, captain Binks?” Princess Piett’s tone was getting more and more judgmental with every next reply. “Your rhetoric upset poor Jerjerrod again! The poor thing will need even more stents! And it already has twelve of them!”

    “Mesa mooie sorry, Boss Tarkin! Wesa playen on some other planet…for example, this one…”

    “That’s Trandosha, you wermo!” Tarkin’s patience was reduced to the size of all matter in the Universe in the very last second before the Big Bang. “Will you shut up and allow me to choose planets?”

    “But my did no wrong this time! Trandosha beautiful! Trandoshians spake mooie funny!”

    That was obviously a no, or so Tarkin determined. He furiously pulled the cucumber wraps out of his ears and stuck them into his mouth.

    "I have no time for this. Please excuse me. I am procrastinating my hair!" He turned around, his hands behind his narrow back and closed the blast doors. “I will be procrastinating it for the next couple of millennia! Mmm...earwax!”

    McCool, Binks and Piett shrugged and shook their heads, prompting one of Piett’s hair extensions to fall off. Binks’ tongue immediately stretched out and the Gungan ate what he firmly believed was pastry from day one. Tarkin really, really needed to be kinder to them. Seriously, by now he should have gotten over the whole business with that Death Star blowing up and Darth Vader being sent to his death in the cold vacuum of space. Instead of it, he’s been doing this every other week, throwing angry tantrums. About the time he stopped!

    After all, they had been playing this “Empire” game for two decades now.

    Last edited: Mar 8, 2021
  15. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Feb 27, 2014
    Goodness gracious, what a fun surprise! I had no idea this was in the works.

    Wow, where even to start... well, I'd been wondering when we'd see your inimitable rendition of Jar Jar again, so that makes this an especially fun surprise. And yes, I can totally imagine that delightfully accident-prone former representative would do SOMETHING humorously and disastrously irreversible if he had been present anywhere close to an early Death Star build. [face_laugh] Poor silly fellow, always thinking with his tongue. :p

    Spa!Tarkin is particularly hilarious, for some reason. I can guess who might be supplying his cosmetic products, too. :cool: Poor roba!Jerjerrod indeed—this star destroyer bridge with all those treacherous, um, modified chairs is no place for a self-respecting roba-who-was-formerly-a-moff. Nor are robapanties dignified attire for such a creature. But I bet he is a pretty cute roba, all things considered.

    Just a point of curiosity: was there any specific reason you chose those particular planets (besides the fact that Axxila is Piett's homeworld)? Any Easter eggs there, maybe? (Knowing you, I'm sure there must be several. :cool: )

    Again, super fun stuff—you take crack!fic to a whole new level! :)
    Kahara, Ewok Poet and Nyota's Heart like this.
  16. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    [face_rofl] [face_rofl] The mental images you generate with stuff like this are beyond description! =D= Definitely need a best humor category again!! 8-} [:D]
    Kahara and Ewok Poet like this.
  17. leiamoody

    leiamoody Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 8, 2005
    What did I just read? o_O

    Tarkin Spa (you do not eat the cucumbers that came out of your ears, Tarkie! Not enough vitamins in earwax). Roba Jerjerrod (no panties required!). Princess Piett with the pastry sidebuns (which probably are pastries...strudel? A Danish? Fish flavored?). Admiral McCool (burping on duty with dreams of doing a minor jazz symphony that incorporates burping, like any true musician).

    Plus, of course, Jar Jar, Captain of Space and Random Eating.

    Yep, it's a cracked crack!fic. :D
  18. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    The thing I wrote in November was not going anywhere, but then TELO RACE HAPPENEN. AND I SPAKE.

    Wait, the one in MESA, JAR JAR!!! is evil. This one is good and has no grandiose delusions. Now, if they met, that would be...interesting.

    Who? I actually have no idea. But I'm sure he got a Tibanna facial at the Cloud City Spa.

    Gamorreans are gigantic pigs. Of course they find a roba attractive. Now you know what chastity robapanties are for.

    Trandoshians, I bet they're fond of long tongues.

    INES level 8?

    Watch out next time you're passing by a "conference room"...there are tongues jumping out of...NEVER MIND, NEVER MIND, I JUST SCARED MYSELF WITH THIS SOLE THOUGHT.


    ...and what did I just write? I guess some questions are not meant to be answered. Ever.

    Sure, that would be the case now. But how about "a long time ago"?

    Danish look more consistent to me, though Greek cheese pies are a close second.

    This may be my personal favourite thing anybody has ever said about any of my stories. It has that "Thing of thing and thing" ring to it, like "A Song of Ice and Fire", but of course, this is superior. :D

    It's a wham-wham!
    It's a boom-boom!
    It's a cheen-cheen!
    Sun, fun, baby!
    leiamoody, Kahara and Findswoman like this.
  19. whiskers

    whiskers Jedi Grand Master star 4

    May 19, 2005
    I really don't know what I find funnier: all of the crazy going ons with Jar Jar, Droopy and the shape-shifted admirals, or the fact that Tarkin plays straight man for all the silliness.
  20. Kahara

    Kahara Chosen One star 4

    Mar 3, 2001
    [face_laugh] Pretty much what whiskers said. I feel like this Tarkin has just taken up the spa thing as a way to keep from realizing the full horror of the situation -- and stay all relaxed and exfoliated and stuff. He's far too responsible to drink, so cucumber slices it is. :p And the rest... I blame Jar-Jar, which is probably unfair, but given his reality-warping powers in certain of your other fics I can only assume it's all due to him in some bizarre way. :p
  21. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014

    Exfoliation is the key. When Droopy burps: exfoliate. When Jar Jar blows a thing or two up, exfoliate. When Jerjerrod leaves a dudu somewhere, exfoliate. When Piett takes too long to admire himself in the mirror...EXFOLIATE!

    This is a very spa-conscious Tarkin.
    Kahara and whiskers like this.
  22. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    I am sorry that it took me months to reply to your comments on Radiophonic Heart. The usual happened - I would close the browser in the middle of responding and, since I have issues with concentration in general, this happened, err, three times. I apologise, here are the said comments. This story and Anjie as a character are very, very important to me and I'm grateful for all the things you folks said. <3

    First, to address one particular issue. :p

    I t-t-t-totally have no idea what you mean! [face_whistling] Sure that band the two of you are talking about never had a huge friendly drummer, an egocentric singer who uses too many big words and sort of can't sing, a little mean freaky-looking bassist and a revolutionary, trailblazer kind of a guitar player? I though they were a bunch o' vegetables. [face_cow]]-}


    Many artists have their own demons, including people like you and me. But when somebody has this many demons at this stage, I think it's absolutely normal to be concerned. Anjie is young, vulnerable and willing to go far below what's okay. :(

    Anjie is one of the lead characters in my next epic that I hope to start posting late this year at best and 2017 at worst, but I never said that, shush. ;) The other three are totally not in one of my current epics as minor characters, but I didn't say that, either. ;)

    This means a lot to me. It was tricky to write Anjie's anxious replies without overdoing it and if it worked out, then I'm very happy!

    ...and thank you for running all these challenges. <3

    Was anxious about that part being too philosophical or something, glad it was not!

    Of course! Imagine you were this caricature of masculinity (or femininity, or anything for that matter) and the face of the band...and then comes this young man who is a real talent and probably looks better than you without any effort. If you were obsessed with your ego the way Antonio is, you'd feel threatened by Anjie.

    Not to mention that Anjie can also sing.

    Wompy may definitely have moments of being decent in future, but yes, he's scary.

    Dale is a grown-up man who knows how to stand up for himself and say no. Anjie is yearning for acceptance, just like all teenagers do. :( And Antonio and Wompy like to get a kick out of it. :(

    Fame has more bad than good sides. Sure, people will appreciate your work, but will they "get" it? Will they see you as a mere mortal or as some sort of an idol that will turn out not to have been what they had wanted them to be and rip you apart? :(

    You would totally love @leiamoody's DDC this year - it's about a child actress and totally your thing and my thing.

    I may have elaborated on my own fear of being rated and graded there, too; but yes - I definitely applaud people who can audition for anything. Even online job-interviews and negotiations with clients are awful, let alone anything IRL.

    Nothing other to say than "I know you would get it". :)

    Yup, the oven mitt shtick is reserved for shows where the reception wasn't the best. Plus, there is this cult of the body, sexuality and whatever going on.

    As for no-oven-mitt, that's Antonio and his complexes radiating out of him like the kriffin' Chernobyl rainbow. :(

    As he says in mention of his audition with Zap Farr's group, which he chickened out from, that may be the result of his restlessness and willingness to try everything - spice, women, et cetera. This, of course, may imply that he didn't have the best of the childhoods and that he's yearning for acceptance in more ways than one and getting it wrong.

    Dale is a sweetheart, most of the time. :)

    Of course he will learn, but his eventual stance on it as well as WHEN he will learn it remain open. He may spend a lot of time seeing things in black and white at some point, maybe more than once. :(
  23. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Just wanted to thank you for nominating About a Boy for the best short story in the Saga era. It's up there with three other things I consider to be top-notch and seeing it there is kind of surreal. Thank you so much! [face_love]
    leiamoody, Kahara, Annia Piet and 2 others like this.
  24. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    And thank you so much for voting for About a Boy, which is, according to this board, the best short story for 2015 in the Saga era. Now, who am I to challenge your opinion? :)

    Findswoman and leiamoody like this.
  25. Ewok Poet

    Ewok Poet Force Ghost star 6

    Jul 31, 2014
    Before the Fall

    Genre: General, OC backstory
    Characters: Anjie Mencuri, undisclosed female listener, mentions of Antonio Nokaarbe, Wompy, Dale Pavan, Shaban Sapphyra and Tosh Correll (all OCs)
    Timeframe: 5 BBY, told ten years later
    Rating: PG-13 (references to spice use and promiscuity)
    Summary: An older and wiser Anjie Mencuri is telling the story of his wasted youth to a loved one.

    A/N: This is my second response to the First Sentence Challenge (the French Literature edition). Anjie Mencuri previously debuted in Radiophonic Heart as an 18-year-old and he is frequently referenced in my DDC, where he is still a child. In this story, he could be anywhere between 30 and 50.

    Many thanks to Findswoman for beta-reading.

    I was twenty. I will let no one say it is the best time of life. Not in a life where one grows up in public. Not in a life where billions of prying eyes are waiting for you to fail, because they know you eventually will. And for some strange reason, they will enjoy it. They will find it easier to prey on you when you-you’re weaker, as what they ultimately care about is not your well-being, but their own entitlement.

    They say that they love you, they say that you are their life and then they end up loving to hate you, because you are not meeting their expectations. If you do snap out of it and end up finding yourself, you will anger them even further: for you’re no longer what they thought you should have been. They don’t like the idea of your growing up, they expect you to be the same person they once saw on the HoloNet. They expect you to be available to them all day, every day. They will prey on your mind like a whole band of Inquisitors, a whole coven of, wait, witches are actually great. I always wanted to be a man-witch.

    And then, there is the business equivalent of this. They give you an illusion of control. And you play it safe, or you play with that illusion. You feed it. You end up making love to it, in a way you believe is as sincere as making love to your lifemate. I feel like my eagerness to keep the illusion alive still surpasses everything I have ever done to give you pleasure.

    I was too young to know about playing it safe, so I chose to play. Not that I could have done otherwise. A team of self-appointed experts had already decided it all for me. I did not look good in white because I was too pale. I should have shown more of my face because I still had the alleged younglinghood innocence. My teeth were too big, so I was expected to smile with my mouth closed. I needed to exercise more in order to look like the other three when we all disrobe for the oven mitt act. If I was ever to grow significant chest hair, the only option was the epilaser, because it would distract the potential female fans from my pecs.

    And when somebody calls you attractive that many times, you’re going to think you own half of the women in Coronet City, even though you don’t get to choose – they get to choose you. There was the option of somebody else choosing a partner for me in order to improve my public image, a romdram actress or a fellow musician, but luckily, I broke down before such a thing happened.

    It didn’t cross my mind that everybody who ever saw me owned me and that I was, in some way, not a free person. Because I was twenty, as I said a couple of minutes ago!

    You see, umm, I was pretty sure I was a grown-up. Twenty! Some people were senators at that age, some were Jedi Knights, some were romdram stars...and I was a quetarra hotshot in a...sorry, I said Jedi Knights and there were none at that point. I’m glad you’re not a journalist. So, umm, grown-up. I had a home of my own, I even got a speeder and tried to drive it. The experience resulted in my getting stuck on top of a tree and I just never tried again.

    The thing that made me believe I was a person and not a hologram was that nobody compared me to SWS’s original quetarra player, Tosh Correl, anymore. Perhaps it was because I no longer looked like him, nor I was attempting to. The fame brings a certain dose of ego along, whether the famous would admit that or not.

    That was the time we met our current producer, Shaban Sapphyra. You are yet to meet him at the release party for Coroway, but beware – he may think you’re the next Galactic something. Whatever. He was to work with us on SexySpiceStarSinners. That name seemed like a good idea back then, you know?

    We were watched twenty-five hours per day during the process of the holoalbum’s creation. We were supposed to become the album and the album was supposed to become us. Shaban wanted it finished as soon as possible, I enjoyed the process of creating it, the discovery of every single little tone, every single chord progression. I would lock myself in the refresher and come up with the strangest of riffs. And Wompy and Dale found themselves following my unorthodox practice, not knowing that was the only remaining trace of the actual Anjie Mencuri. They loved it. This is the process they attempted to use with Sassvar Graba, the Zabrak, but it did not work out.

    But Antonio, he was not keen on giving me compliments. He would call me Sprout in presence of every single executive, holographer and mistress.

    The mistresses were a whole different matter. It was Antonio’s idea. And he needed a new partner in crime. Somebody to swap women with. Somebody to try all spices in the Galaxy with. With Dale and Wompy already married and – as he once said while half-asleep – not attractive enough, he resorted to me.

    And I played along. I am not sure with how many women we slept with. Some of them may have not been humanoid. I watched Clawdite pornography with him. Lots of it. I came up with the most vulgar of the comments on that atrocity. This is not to say that I have ever been an Angel from the moons of Iego, but I do have taste. There are things that nobody should be watching in order to appeal to the masses.

    To this day, I’m sure that Antonio actually liked it, but you’re not going to tell that to anybody, right? In fact, please don’t. I truly believe that he has changed and that there is still a man underneath his mask.

    Once we were done and travelling the Core Worlds to sell our work and our souls, I created the shallow impression of an insatiable quetarra hero, who looked like an Angel and played like Darth Vader would have had he been blessed with music talent.

    In reality, that was nothing more than a hologram. A sensory perception of somebody that never existed. The one who was really me was slowly growing inside of the skull of the product created by the Empire-era media and that cursed desire to be liked.

    The man was a mask, the mask was a man and he was on a constant decline. I am not ready yet to tell you how low I had fallen. Maybe because I never really renounced those days and I’m proud of everything I have gone through. And that would be hard to understand to somebody who never found solace in rokna blue.

    Is this surprising? I am not saying that anybody should do rokna blue. As a matter of a fact, it’s a horrible thing. But I am glad that it was a part of my life. I am glad that it almost killed me, because I am finally the man I should have been all along.

    But there are still demons in me. Destructive little droids preying on my insides, waiting for the moment when I’ll be jaded enough to harm myself somehow, the moment when I will fall into the void below. And they work together with their organic equivalents – the lovers of Steamy Wasaka Stew.

    Once that happens, and I know it will, I would not want to take you down with me.

    Then again, you’re not like me, by all means.

    You are too good for me.

    For your mask is only a replica of your actual face.

    Epilaser - A more efficient epilator. Fanon.

    Rokna blue is an extemely potent spice extracted from a poisonous tree fungus found on Endor