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Saga Going Out With a Bang, a Clone Trooper's final moments.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Katarn's Beard, Mar 24, 2014.

  1. Katarn's Beard

    Katarn's Beard Jedi Knight

    Jan 21, 2014

    I hope you enjoy my first fic I've posted here, and the first one I've finished in a long time.

    Title: Going Out With a Bang.
    Author: Katarn's Beard
    Characters: Clone Trooper Private CT-2711-104 "Rho", 2nd Airborne Company.
    Timeframe: Clone Wars, 22BBY
    Summary: A clone trooper's final moments.

    Ryloth, 22BBY

    I am Clone Trooper Private CT-2711-104, but everyone calls me "Rho". I thought this would be yet another normal boring patrol, there hadn't been any Sep activity in our sector in days. I was wrong.

    I lay here, on my back in the mud. I feel as though I've been here for hours, but it must have only been a half minute. I can't feel my legs, the last thing I remember is someone yelling "INCOMING!" and a flash. My visor is cracked and my HUD won't work, so I can't contact anyone on the comlink. I'm not even sure there's anyone else out there still. I finally gather the strength to raise myself up. I know it hurts, but I can't feel the pain. All I can see around me is the burnt hulk of a AT-RT, smoke, and dead troopers. I can only hear the ringing in my ears. Suddenly another trooper starts stirring. I recognize the markings on his armor, he's my sergeant, Par.

    I watch as Par sits up, and I try yelling at him, but he doesn't respond. Perhaps his eardrums were ruptured. He looks shaken, he smacks his helmet a few times, his helmet systems are probably down too. Maybe we got hit by an EMP along with whatever it was that caused that blast. I try waving to get his attention, but I collapse. After lying down a few seconds, I drag myself up again. Par is still there, though he has collapsed as well. But now I see another figure approaching him, and Par sees it too. I feel a moment of relief when I see the familiar T-shaped visor on the standing figure, but something's not right.

    I realize what the helmeted figure is, it's not one of us, it's one of the Mandalorian mercenaries that the Seps hired. I watch in horror as the Mandalorian stands above Par, blaster drawn, it's dull grey armor almost blending in with the smoke still hanging in the air. I know the Seps don't take prisoners. I expect any moment now for a blaster shot to ring out. Instead, the mercenary kneels next to Par, and removes his helmet. There is blood in his ears, I was right about the ruptured eardrums. Now, I am shocked as the Mandalorian removes it's helmet, revealing the face of a young human female. I stare at her face, she is the first human female I've seen outside of holos. I am fascinated by her, her jaw length brown hair, her soft facial features. Then I watch as she says a few words and puts a blaster bolt right through his head. There is something disturbing about watching a man who looks identical to yourself die.

    Now I start panicking, desperately searching for a weapon, a blaster, a vibroblade, anything. There is nothing within my reach. But then I remember. I have a thermal detonator on the back of my belt. The Mandalorian woman is walking towards me now. I lay down, and reach behind my back. I feel a surge of energy as my hand wraps around the cylinder. I remove it from my belt and hold it at my side. I can hear her footsteps getting closer, the heavy boots crunching the burned grass. Then there she is, right above me. My thumb is holding down the detonator, as soon as it releases that will be the end.

    She kneels down and removes my helmet, just like she did with Par. She looks into my eyes as she starts speaking in Mando'a, I recognize a few words and Jango's name. I don't know why I still haven't detonated the grenade. She starts slowly raising her blaster, and I look into her eyes and yell one final word, "Gra'tua", the Mando'a word for revenge. The shocked look on her face is the last thing I see as I release the trigger on the thermal detonator.

    laloga likes this.
  2. laloga

    laloga Jedi Knight star 2

    Jul 28, 2011
    Intense and, if I'm honest, rather sad. (But in a good way!) I like to think that the Mando woman was doing Par a mercy by sparing him a long, painful death, (or capture by the Seps), but the fic is open-ended in that regard - which I like. Either way, though, her actions don't look good to Rho, so I don't blame him for his reaction. Still sad, though; it makes me wonder "what could have been."

    Sadness of the piece aside, I thought you did a great job getting into the mind of a clone trooper. I enjoyed his observations on his and Par's gear - he felt very methodical about the whole "about to die" thing. Very practical. There's an element of tragedy to the clones, which you captured so well here.

    Writing first person present tense is difficult, and overall you did a fine job. One thing I'd recommend taking note of for future pieces is the excessive use of "I [verb]" at the beginning of most of the sentences. It gets a bit repetitive, but it relatively easy to fix. For example:

    Could be tweaked a little bit:

    Being coated in mud and lying on my back makes time seem to stretch out, so it feels like I've been here for hours, though it must have only been half a minute. The last thing I remember is someone yelling "incoming," a flash...and now I can't feel my legs.​

    The thing about first person POV is that *everything* the character mentions is by definition something that he or she "sees," "hears," "feels," etc, so it's not necessary to say "I saw," "I heard," "I felt," quite so much. Does that make sense?

    Anyway, I greatly enjoyed this piece. The clones don't get near enough love on this site, and I was thrilled to see your take! Maybe...somehow...Rho survives and joins the Mandos? :p I know, I know...but I'm an optimist at heart.

    Awesome job! :) Kandosii! :D
  3. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Aug 31, 2004
    Welcome and happy to see a new writer who can or does concentrate on the clone troopers and their uniqueness. [face_thinking] I love the intense immediacy, poignant and sharp, which is made even deeper by the "I" POV. I, like laloga, want to attribute good motives to the Mando warrior. @};-
    laloga likes this.
  4. Katarn's Beard

    Katarn's Beard Jedi Knight

    Jan 21, 2014
    Thanks for the feedback laloga & Nyota.

    Good point about the repetition, I knew something was off, but I wasn't sure what. That's what editors are for I guess [face_thinking] . I normally write in the third-person past tense, but I figured that first-person present tense was better for a character who, unfortunately, dies in the end.
    laloga likes this.
  5. laloga

    laloga Jedi Knight star 2

    Jul 28, 2011
    I think the tense & POV was a sound choice as well. It can be difficult to jump from 3rd/past to 1st/present, but it's always good to challenge yourself and figure out what works best for the story and character.

    This was a great piece! Keep up the good work. :)