SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

This thread is taking an incredibly dark turn...

George Lucas: I have this wonderful idea for a movie called Howard the Duck.

20th Century Fox Executives: By golly, that does sound wonderful. Let's release it in 1977!

(The movie flops, Lucas abuses heroin and blows his brains out in 1983)

 

George Lucas sells Star Wars to Disney before the debut of ANH

 

"What about that blue one?"
"Sure, let's take it and cannibalize it's motivator for the red one. Luke, get on that."
"Right, Uncle Owen!"

 

George Lucas is born in the 1800's.

 

George Lucas: Ah, forget this Star Wars garbage, I think I'll make a sequel to THX-1138.

 

R2-D2, suddenly realizing that he doesn't want to get involved in major events in Galactic History anymore, transfers the Death Star plans into R5-D4. The stormtroopers find the plans in R5-D4's memory banks, kill the jawas just to be safe, but never make it out to the Lars homestead. Luke transfers to the Academy 3 seasons later.

 

Palpatine: Are you going to kill me?

Anakin: I would certainly like to.

Palpatine: I know you would. I can feeeel your anger. It makes you strong...

(sound of lightsaber slashing)

Anakin: *takes out comlink* Master Windu, Palpatine was the Sith Lord we'd been looking for. I took care of him.

Mace: Good. Good. You did well Anakin. The Chancellor was too dangerous to be left alive.

 

Some idiot forgets to fill up R2's oil tanks before the attack on The Invisible Hand, and R2 is destroyed by the bullying Super Battle Droids.

 

Nute: Jango finish her off

*Dooku is about to say something but gets a bug caught in his throat*

*Jango shoots Padme dead*

 

HAN: "Well, look at you, a General!"
LANDO: "Someone must have told told them about my little maneuver at the Battle of Tanab!"
RANDOM REBEL: "Waitaminute, that was you at Tanab?"
LANDO: "Well, yes."
RANDOM REBEL: "Oh, hells no! We ain't putting up with that. C'mon, boys, we're going on Strike!"
ENTIRE REBEL FLEET: "Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!"

 

Luke and Co are about to be a "lot thinner"

Luke in the comlink: come in C-3PO! THREEPEEO?! *Batman 1960's style* confound it! the batteries are dead!

 

General Grievous: "Army or not, you must realize, you are doomed."
Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Oh, you're right..." *pulls out his comlink* "Cody! This is General Kenobi. Call off the attack, Commander. I Repeat: Call off the attack!"
Commander Cody: "But, Sir, we're right over your location about to..."
Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Call off the attack! We couldn't possibly win..." *sobs*
Commander Cody: "What's the matter, General? Have you injured your head?"
Obi-Wan Kenobi: "I don't like your tone, Cody! Just pull your troops out and..."
Obi-Wan is cut down by Grievous' sabers as he bickers with Cody.

 

Luke joins Vader and kill Palpatine. They rule the galaxy together.

 

In the cockpit of the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT are flying the ship. Two JEDI, QUI-GON and OBI-WAN, stand behind them.

QUI-GON: Captain.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?
QUI-GON: Tell them we wish to board at once.

The CAPTAIN pushes a button.

CAPTAIN: With all due respect, (looking at viewscreen) the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.

On the viewscreen, NUTE GUNRAY, a Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.

NUTE: Yes, of course...as you know, our blockade is perfectly le-

Qui-Gon leans forward to better hear the conversation.

QUI-GON: Blockade? Why is this guy jabbering on about a blockade? I thought this was our long overdue vacation.
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master, I thought so too...

The CAPTAIN nods.

NUTE GUNRAY is visibly agitated by the interruption of his speech.

NUTE: Our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassa-
CAPTAIN: Ohhhhh!! I'm so sorry, Master Jedi. I thought you said Waboo. This is Naboo. I'm so embarrased. Such a rookie mistake...
QUI-GON: Good. I really didn't want to give the Council a piece of my mind for ambushing us with a secret mission...

NUTE GUNRAY continues speaking, desperately trying to ignore the fact that nobody is paying any attention to a word he says.

NUTE: ...Yes, we'd be happy to receive the Ambassadors.
CAPTAIN: I hope you don't mention this to the Chancellor?
QUI-GON: Alright, but you owe me for this one. How about dinner tonight at the resort on Waboo?
CAPTAIN (blushing): You flatter me, Master Jedi.
QUI-GON (remains stoic):Get us out of here, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir!

The cruiser blasts into hyperspace, leaving NUTE GUNRAY staring at an empty view screen.

 

Luke doesn't leave Tatooine with Obi-Wan
Luke gets shot in the Cantina while Obi-Wan is talking to Han.

 

The protocol droid sent to meet Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan doesn't recognize them as Jedi. The Jedi force a settlement from the Trade Federation before Sidious finds out.

 

QUI-GON: "I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute..."
*Qui-Gon takes a tip of the tea*
OBI-WAN: "Master! Don't drink the tea! It's your one weakness!"
QUI-GON: "Oh no! Now I can't use the Force anymore! Curse you, tea!"
OBI-WAN: "I can't use the Force, either! Because reasons!"
QUI-GON: "Let's get outta here!!!"
*Both throw away their lightsabers and run to the nearest escape pod and escape to planet, living their lives together in a.... complex relationship by the Lake on Naboo*

 

The Jedi and Amidala land in Mos Eisley, instead of Mos Espa, thus avoiding a meeting with Watto and Anakin.

 

Leia: "Luke, don't it's a trap! It's a trapppppp!"
Luke: "Well, you heard her Artoo. I'm going to actually be sensible for once in my life and listen to my friends. Let's start up the X-Wing and get the hell outta here!"
*Artoo warbles*
Luke: "It's not cowardly, it's called being strategic. Now hurry up, I'm scared and wanna leave!!"
*Meanwhile, in the Carbon Freezing Chamber, Vader is menacingly standing all by himself at the top of the stairs with the lights off. Waiting, waiting, waiting....*
Vader: "I wish that no good son of mine would hurry up already, this is getting realllllllly boring..."

 

Vader: I have you now!!

*Luke's X-wing explodes*


--

Mas Amedda: if only Senator Amidala was here

Amidala: *walks through the door* I'm here and I say no!

Palpatine: ****!

 

*The Millennium Falcon slowly enters the Death Star hangar*

-Officer: Search the ship. And don't forget your scanner. These ships' floors are filled with traps to hide the smuggling merchandise.
-Stormtrooper: Yes sir... TK-421 bring the scanner!

 

The shuttle Luke uses to escape the second death star is torn apart as the death star blows up.

 

Watto isn't immune to Jedi mind tricks, gives them the parts they need, and they leave Tatooine without knowing about the Sith or Anakin's talent with the Force.

 

Mace: "If they do break away..."
Palpatine: "I will not let this Republic that has stood for a thousand years be split in two. My negotiations will not fail"
Mace: "I was going to say if they do break away we should let them. After all everyone has the right to freedom & self determination. We're not going to force systems to stay in the Republic at gunpoint like some oppressive tyrants, are we? If they want to leave let them go with our blessing"
[Yoda, Bail & others all nod in agreement then look at Palpatine]
Palpatine: "Umm...well ahh I guess that's a um very sensible point of view Master Jedi"

 

Luke misses the exhaust port and Yavin is destroyed.