SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

"Qui-Gon's defiance I sense in you, need that you do not. Expelled from the order you are, Padawan Kenobi! Skywalker, back to Tatooine, he will go!"

 

"Qui-Gon's defiance I sense in you, need that you do not. Expelled from the order you are, Padawan Kenobi! Skywalker, to the spice mines of Kessel, he will go!

 

Imperial engineers meeting, designing the second Death Star:

Engineer 1: Ok so we all agree, placing the exhaust port in the centre of the station's interior is the way to go. Good luck to any Rebel fighters trying to navigate all the way into there!
[laughter]
Engineer 1: Now, as a secondary safeguard the Emperor wants an energy shield generated around the entire station. Since we've chosen the Endor system as our construction site I thought we could build the shield generator on this moon. We can keep it's location secret & have it well guarded [looks smug & pleased with himself]
Engineer 2: That's good but having one shield generator on a remote moon seems like an unnecessary risk, no matter how many troops we station there. I mean by your schematics the generator is no bigger than a small building so building a second one would not be a problem..
[a Bothan waiter enters the room with some drinks]
Engineer1: What are you suggesting? [grabs a drink]
Engineer2: Lets also have a second generator within the Death Star itself. That way we have a backup in case the Endor one is attacked or has some kind of technical problem. Most importantly the one on the station will be protected by the very energy shield that it will be projecting. I can't see any way the station would then be vulnerable to a Rebel attack.
Engineer1: .....Great idea, we're doing that!
[applause]

 

After Uncle Owen buys 2 new droids, Luke whines about "power converters" or something, and Owen tells him to get over it and get to work on the new droids.

LUKE: All right, come on! And the red one, come on. Well, come on,
Red, let's go.

As the Jawas start to lead the three remaining robots back into the Sandcrawler, Artoo lets out a pathetic little beep and starts after his old friend Threepio. He is restrained by a slimy Jawa, who zaps him with a control box.

Owen is negotiating with the head Jawa. Luke and the two robots start off for the garage when a plate pops off the head of the red astro-droid's head plate and it sparks wildly.

LUKE: Uncle Owen...

OWEN: Yeah?

LUKE: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look!

OWEN: (to the head Jawa) Hey, what're you trying to push on us?

The Jawa goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Artoo has sneaked out of line and is moving up and down trying to attract attention. He lets out with a low whistle. Threepio taps Luke on the shoulder.

THREEPIO: (pointing to Artoo) Excuse me, sir, but that R2 unit is in
prime condition. A real bargain.

LUKE: Uncle Owen...

OWEN: Yeah?

LUKE: What about that one?

OWEN: (to Jawa) What about that blue one? We'll take that one. (pauses) Wait, you know what? This is outrageous! You jawas ALWAYS try to swindle us out of something! Well, blast it, I've had enough of it this time! Give me my money back, take your droids, and park your sandcrawler where the suns don't shine! Jawa poodoo!

Artoo squeals in terror, as the jawas lead R2 and 3-P0 back up into the sandcrawler.

LUKE: Yeah, take them away.

 

"Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level! Do you copy?! Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!"
"Artoo! Make sure you shut each one down individually from the furthest one onward!"
"Bleep-de-wheet!"
"No, do not start to shut down another one until you're absolutely positive the previous one is fully stopped. We have to be extremely careful about this, Artoo!"
"Threepio!! The walls are still-ARGGGGHHH!" *crush*

 

OFFICER: Where are you taking this...thing?

Chewie growls a bit at the remark but Han nudges him to
shut up.

LUKE: Prisoner transfer from Cell Block one-one-three-eight.

OFFICER: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it.

The officer goes back to his console and begins to punch in
the information. There are only three other troopers in the
area. Luke and Han survey the situation, checking all of the
alarms, laser gates, and camera eyes. Han unfastens one of
Chewbacca's electronic cuffs and shrugs to Luke.
Suddenly Chewbacca throws up his hands and lets out with
one of his ear-piercing howls. He grabs Han's laser rifle.

HAN: Look out! He's loose!

The Imperial Officer lunges back to his nearby control console, flips a switch, and suddenly, ray shields power up and trap the angry Wookiee, and the two fraudulent Stormtroopers inside their forcefield..

OFFICER: Troopers! Blast that Wookiee beast! We'll let you out when you kill it!

 

RIC OLIE : Coruscant...the capital of the Republic.
ANAKIN : Wow! It's so huge!
QUI-GON: That isn't Coruscant! It's Korriban!
RIC OLIE: And?
QUI-GON: It is the homeworld of the Sith!
RIC OLIE: Well that doesn't sound good.

 

"Boba Fett? Boba Fett? Where? I'm not moving an inch until someone takes him out!"

 

Suspended above a hungry Sarlacc amongst the Tatooine sand dunes...

Luke: This is you last chance, Jabba. Free us, or die.

Jabba: (garbled Huttese)

*Guards push Luke towards the edge of the plank*

*Luke gives a two finger salute to Jabba and R2, then turns, jumps down and around, catching the plank with his hands, propelling himself back up onto the vehicle*

*From Jabba's sail barge, R2 fires a slender cylinder into the air that lands securely in Luke's hands*

*Luke looks down at the cylinder in disbelief discovering it to be... a roll of Mentos*

Luke: What the...?

*the guards push the stunned Luke into the pit where he and the mints are instantly devoured and the Sarlacc growls in delight and slightly belches*

Narrator: Mentos...the Freshmaker!

 

Anakin: "You are in my very soul, tormenting me."
Padme: "Well, let me fix that for you Annie. Oh, Shang Tsung?"
*Shang Tsung walks out of the shadows (making Tag & Bink scatter for safety)*
Anakin: "What the hell?!"
*Shang Tsung rips out Anakin Skywalker's soul, Skywalker drops to the ground, soulless, dead*
Tsung: "Your soul is mine!"
*Padme gleefully jumps up and kicks Anakin's corpse a bit.*
Padme: "Bet you didn't see that one coming, did ya?!"

 

Luke walks away leaving Leia to reflect on their conversation, high amongst the trees of Endor. Han emerges from the Ewok gathering.

Han: "Hey, what's going on?"
Leia: "Nothing, I just want to be alone for a little while"
Han: "Come on, what is it?"
Leia: "Ok then...Luke is my brother & Darth Vader is my father!"
Han: "...Right...ok...that's ah...yeah, surprising. Ah, well er Leia that's...no problem, umm OH! I just remembered, I left something down in the forest, ah, I'd better go & get it, ah, I won't be long". [Turns to walk away] "You know I er better get Chewie to give me a hand because it's ah, kinda heavy...ok see ya" [Disappears & is never seen again]

 

Yoda: "Good-bye, Tarfful. Good-bye, Chewbacca. Miss you, I will."
*Yoda's escape ship lifts off, raises up into the atmosphere, sputters, malfunctions, and explodes.*

 

Anakin blocks obi-wan's strike, and stabs him in the back proclaiming, "You underestimate my power"

 

INT: Tantive IV

THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there!

Artoo isn't happy with Threepio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs angrily. A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. Flames lick at Threepio and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Artoo, the lanky robot jumps into the lifepod.

THREEPIO: I'm going to regret this.

INT: IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER

On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.

GUNNER: There goes another one.

EXT: SPACE

The Gunner strikes his console and blasts of energy erupt from the Star Destroyer, hitting the speeding lifepod, ripping it apart in a small explosion sending debris and gold twisted metal floating away form the destruction.

INT: IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER

CAPTAIN: Blast it man, hold your fire! There were no life forms on board. It must have been short-circuited.

GUNNER: Meh.


FADE TO CREDITS

 

"It's over, Anakin! You have the high ground!"

 

"Captain Needa! The ship no longer appears on our scopes."
"Hmmmm, they must be using an old smuggler trick and hanging off our hull. I saw it before in the Outer Rim. Commonplace, really. Scramble the TIES and Spacetroopers to kill anything they see, This should be over in seconds."

 

"Sorry, Ben, I'm not going with you to Alderaan, I just inherited a moisture farm! Once I clear the corpses outta the way I'm gonna make a freakin' mint!"