Title: If Only

Author: Kit'

Characters: Taeyn D'levosh, Namia Zahalin, Qui-Gon Jinn, Mace Windu, and various other OCs

Genre: Action, Adventure, Drama, Romance

Timeline: 64-56BBY

Summary: Padawan Taeyn D'levosh has been made to keep a journal. Although he initially comes to hate it, eventually he realises how useful it actually is. Particularly when it comes to recording his feelings and thoughts in relation to a certain young, female padawan.

Challenge: Half-Marathon DDC 2021 Challenge.

 

So this was harder than I thought it was going to be to start, but once I got going it all went together. Hopefully it works and isn't too stream of concious-y. Taken from the events of Just a spoonful of trouble and hopefully is a good introduction to Taeyn (and Namia too).

***

First impressions


Dear Diary - no. Not Diary. That sounds ridiculous.

Dear Journal.

No.

Dear....

Dear thingamebob....

Oh Sith.

I don’t know what to call you really. I don’t even know why I’m writing in you. Master Indoa said I needed to write an account of my 'adventures as a padawan' as he called it. He also said that it might help me release some of my feelings. I think it’s dumb. I think the whole thing is stupid. I got into one fight because Josi pulled a dirty trick in practice and now I have you.

Yay.

So…

There is a new girl in our classes. She rocked up during politics. Her hair was chopped short like the barber’s do to anyone who lets it grow too long. I think they do this on purpose. As in “ha! So you liked your hair! Well, no attachment for you! Chop it off! Chop it all off!”.

Anyway. She looked ridiculous.

So she rocks up to the door with her Master in tow. Like she’s some kid who's never been to the Temple before. Qui-Gon was being his usual prattish self and throwing paper at me. He knows if we get caught it’ll be double ‘fresher scrubbing duty for both of us. Which is on top of the stuff I already have to do because Josi is a incompetent, nasty, stupid, dense, mindless, foolish, dull, useless piece of drool…

Anyway.

Qui-Gon thought she was pretty which is dumb (like him). She is not pretty. She’s annoying.

She was even more annoying when she managed to answer the question about Verpine. I would have gotten it if I’d been given more time. Although who needs to know about some weird insect species that rub their legs together to sing. So she answers it and Master Khdue is “Good work. I see all those years abroad have only broadened your education.” Apparently she’s been on some extended mission with her Master, serving as ambassador to Alderaan.

It sounded cool.

It doesn’t matter. She is a showoff. I really don’t like her.

Then, and this is the worst bit, we get to lightsabers.

Guess who I got paired with.

Why am I asking you? You’re just a silly datapad?

Anyway.

I got paired with her. Great. This is something I should have been good at. I thought I started well. I pivoted. I went the overhead strike. I even used the move we'd only been taught last lesson. In fact I used all the right techniques but she parried them all.

If only I’d practiced a bit harder last week. Maybe she wouldn’t have beaten me. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up on the floor looking like a complete fool.

She didn’t take the winning blow though. I wonder why....

In fact she was nice and let me get to my feet. She didn't have to do that. I mean, she had already won.

We fought again and she was really good. I threw a block at her head with the Force. Which, yeah I know, is the move Josi used but this was different. He cheated and I…

It didn’t matter. She blocked it easily. We kept fighting for a bit longer and then I don’t know what happened. Maybe she tripped, maybe I did. Whatever it was, we both ended up on the floor.

She ended up on top.

Her name is Namia.

She has a nice smile.

 

Wonderful You have the I don't like her, yes I do vibe perfectly.

 

hilarious first entry
don't or do

 

Wow, this has such a strong High School vibe. "Ugh, that new girl! She's so annoying! I hate her! .....Hey, she's kinda cute...."

 

Thank you I'm glad I got the "maybe I don't hate her as much as i'm trying to convince the world that I do" part across

Thank you Much appreciated

I have that ahead of me (although I deal with it forty weeks a year so I should be used to it) but I'm not looking forward to it when it's my own kids...

I think he's all of fourteen/fifteen here - so definitely the teen boy still caught up in the hormones...

 

Probably quite a good idea for a Jedi to write a journal, they have to vent their emotions somewhere, defenetly a 'new guy/girl in class situation' that I´ve experienced as well.

 

Yay! I'm glad I got that experience down pat. It was nice expanding on the scene from the drabbles and also I agree about having somewhere to vent. It's not like the Temple gives them many other options.

That's good to hear. Although I'm not looking forward to the grunting stage they all seem to go through.

 

***

Testing times

***

Dear thingamebob....

Well, things didn’t exactly go well today. I mean, I don’t really know what to write. I know I’m going to cop it from Master Indoa when he finds out…I can almost see his disappointed look now. It’s just that…

Oh…

Boy....

I don’t even know where to start.

Can Masters return padawans? Is that something they can do? Qui-Gon hinted as much today, when I was sparring him. In between him laughing at me that is. And he laughed. He laughed a lot. I mean it’s not that bad. Surely they wouldn’t send me back to Master Pyndegard for what happened.

I blame her.

She’s supposed to be ‘oh so smart’. She’s supposed to know everything. I mean that’s what the teachers keep saying to her in class. “Oh Namia, you’re so smart.” “Oh Namia, that’s such a clever answer.” “Oh Namia, without you intergalactic peace could never be attained.” “Oh Namia - blurgh.” She’s just so...annoying. I don’t care about her smile, what happened today was definitely her fault.

So, anyway, I’m starting at the end and not the beginning. I mean, if Master Indoa is going to kick me out of the Order and make me a homeless beggar travelling the Universe, then I should really write an account of what happened. Just so people in the future can look back at my words and think about what not to do.

Basically, don’t be me.

So. Anyway.

We were sitting at lunch yesterday, Qui-Gon, Mace, Tara and I. Namia strolls in with her cute smile and nice…

Blurgh.

Tara invites her to sit with us. I didn’t even get to tell her not to. Apparently they’re friends. Qui-Gon and Mace seemed happy too. Although, it’s hard to tell with Mace, he always looks grumpy.

So she sits next to me. She smells nice. Then, she starts talking about the tests that we have this week. Which I’d completely forgotten about. She’s talking about what she’s studying for next. She kept bringing up Galactic Geography. How it was her least favourite, but she’d taken really good notes. I asked if she’d share them, and she said yes. I mean, that was my first mistake. Well, no, my first mistake was letting her sit next to me with her cute smile, and the way her hand brushed mine and…

I figured that she’d only be studying for the subject that we had next, right? I mean that’s what any sensible person would do. Only study for what they had on next.

Not her.

Of course not her.

So I spent last night studying Galactic Geography. I got pretty good at it. I had all the planets, their relative orbits and distributions of biomes and population down pat.

I was going to show her.

Let her see which one of us was the smarter one.

Maybe, that way she’d smile at me again.

Then today, we roll into Galactic History and Master Kegan puts down the exam papers in front of us. Apparently the Geography exam is tomorrow. The history exam was today.

She was studying for a test that wasn’t even due.

Why? Who does that? Is she some sort of undercover Sith Lord sent to turn me to the darkside? Because, if she is, then she’s at least half way there.

Anyway.

I flunked.

At least I think I flunked. I don’t think I did well at all. I remembered some of it, but probably not enough. Not enough to stay in the Order.

I should have listened to my gut.

I should have checked the timetable.

I should not be think about her smile or the way she makes me feel.

I should…

I should do okay on the Geography exam at least.

It’s tomorrow.

 

Nice chapter, going through a phase of job related tests myself currently I can defenetly emphasize

 

I'd be the exact same way with any kind of geopgraphy or math. Especially if you study for it and the test is not tomorrow. Yup, totally vanished, amnesia for the answers LOL

 

Yeah, he totally doesn't like her at all. She's just helping him study, that's all.

 

Yeah, tests are never fun. My year 12s sit one of their first tests of the year in two days (counts for 25% of their final grade). I'm nervous and I'm not even sitting the test! T

Hope your testing is going well though and thank you for reading

Me too. Geography isn't my strong suit!

Ha! Can't say I've ever done it, but I've certainly watched friends (and now students) make that particular mistake. Hope yours didn't turn out as disastrously as Taeyn's did.

Definitely! They're just friends. His heart totally does not beat faster when she walks in the room. He totally does not get tongue tied around her... He's fine okay...fine!

 

***

Chai-ing times

***

Dear thingamebob,


I stuffed up.

Like really stuffed up.

I mean I’d use bigger curse words if I could, but I also know that Master Indoa wouldn’t take too kindly to me using them - even if it’s in here and he said he wouldn’t read it. He’s already annoyed at what happened on the mission and I mean it wasn’t my fault.

Except that it was.

I should have read more about the Sh’andi customs about tea and what it was going to taste like. I definitely should have listened to the Force a bit more carefully then I did. I definitely should have not taken such a big gulp…

...and spat it out…

...all over the Vice-Chancellor.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Master Indoa’s face. Or the Queen’s face. Or the Prince’s, or, in fact any of the royal court. I definitely won’t forget the look on the Vice Chancellor’s face.

That was the end of the mission, for me at least. Master Indoa thought it would be best if I spent the time meditating in our accommodation. I can’t say I blame him. I don’t think I could have made that right no matter how many times I apologised.

And I apologised a lot.

The only good thing that happened out of all of this was today, when we got back. She was waiting for me on the landing pad. I mean she laughed at me when I told her the story, but I don't really blame her. I would have laughed too…

...if I wasn’t the one who’d spat the tea.

She walked next to me when we headed back inside. Master Indoa said he needed to write up the notes for the mission in order to present them to the Council. I offered to help but he said there wasn’t much that I could add, seeing as all I contributed was cold tea.

That jibe still stings, even though he said it with a smile on his face.

It doesn’t matter though. Namia said she had the afternoon free too. Suggested we spar to get my mind off what happened. Said she missed me. Said she couldn’t wait until I got back.

We sparred.

She won of course. Like always.

I don't even mind.

She offered me her hand to help me back to my feet.

I can still feel where her fingers touched mine.

Suggested we spar again tomorrow. Said I could take her out for tea afterwards.

Guess the mission wasn’t so terrible after all.

 

Oh no! That was a major goof! Quite the turning point there as Namia is there to commiserate and offers something to distract And I notice her winning the spar doesn't bother Taeyn anymore.

 

Couldn't stop smiling the whole time I read this story, almost makes me wish I had kept a journal as a 14-15 year old...but I think I would have a few more lines crossed out

 

Glad you noticed that Namia winning doesn't bother Taeyn anymore. He's definitely changed his mind about her.

Thank you! Poor Taeyn doesn't quite know what to do with himself half the time.

I have something from high school that we used to share around the classroom (can't get caught writing notes if it looks like an exercise book! ). It's both amusing and cringe to read as an adult. Definitely some in jokes though that I don't understand anymore too.

 

***

Maths

***

Dear thinga-me,

So today something happened.

I mean every day something happens. It's just that today it was really something. I am still trying to process it all. I really don’t believe that it happened. I just…

I just…

I…

I should start at the beginning.

Today started like any other day in the Temple. Rise early with Master Indoa. Meditate for an hour while thinking about sleep. (Please Master, if you are reading this, I don’t think about sleep all the time. Just today...okay...so I think about how I could be enjoying more sleep most mornings but it's not a reflection on you - just that I like sleep.)

So anyway. We were meditating. Same as usual. Then breakfast of disgusting hearty boiled meal grain because Master Indoa believes that it will make me grow up ‘big and strong’. I put poptree syrup on mine when he wasn’t looking. I mean why else would there be at least three bottles in the cupboard at all times.

I’m off track. I don’t think even you, thinga-me, is going to be entertained by the eating habits of a teen padawan. Even if it is boiled meal grain and poptree syrup. In fact I think especially because it’s meal grain and poptree syrup.

So I ended up being late to leave because cold meal grains are hard to get off a bowl. (Have I ever mentioned how much I hate love meal grains?)

Running late in the Temple is never fun. As a padawan I’d get chided if a Master caught me using the Force to boost my speed down the halls. I mean, if we have the powers then we should use them - right? Last time I was caught I ended up having to help out in the Initiate Wing for half a day. Luckily I’m a Jedi which means no kids because after that morning I don’t think I would ever want children.

Here’s me, running down the halls at top speed and then slowing down in the busy areas and trying to look like I’ve never run in my entire life.

I wouldn’t normally have bothered skirting the rules after being caught that first time but I had Galactic Maths first.

Have I ever told you about Galactic maths?

Probably not. I mean it’s something I try not to write about because who needs to reflect on such horrible memories when they are an adult right?

That class is enough to turn anyone to the darkside just to avoid it. I’m sure there is some Dark Lord somewhere in the past that had a prophecy about the rise of Master Kariali Delfig and turned to the Dark side just to avoid ever having to cross paths with him.

Master Delfig is one of those teachers who believes that if you breathe in the wrong place that you deserve punishment. Most of the time punishment involves more homework.

Now for me, that isn’t so bad. I like maths. The numbers work in my head far more than having to memorise the reason behind Verpine leg singing and how the particular music indicates that the Verpine is in love, or hates you, or is just really hungry or whatever. I think the fact that the numbers work also is the reason why I like flying and mechanical stuff. I mean it’s all the same really. It has definite answers that are either right or wrong. It’s the same with droids and engines. Stick the wrong piece in the wrong place and you’ll be crash landing on some Force forsaken planet with nothing to eat and poo flinging simians.

The problem is for anyone else who isn’t great at Maths. Then you're in deep Bantha poodoo. Also sucks to be you if you doodle, or yawn, or speak to anyone else - it's like Master Delfig takes it as a personal affront to all Jedi.

Delfig normally likes me because I like maths. Which, you know, is fine by me entirely. The only time he doesn’t like me is when I’m late.

Which I was this morning.

So my run, walk, run plan was working perfectly until I came around one particularly tight corner and ran straight into Master Dooku.

Yeah.

Even though you’re just a datapad, I swear I just heard you groan.

Master Dooku does not like people who skirt the rules. Master Dooku likes even less people who break the rules. How Qui-Gon has survived being his padawan for so long escapes me entirely.

When he raised an eyebrow at me, I knew I was doomed.

He didn’t need to say much. That man’s entire aura radiates disapproval. I swear the Force went cold the moment he saw it was me.

At least his punishment wasn’t harsh. I had to sit and meditate on the consequences of rushing when patience would do better. I also have to go and find Jocasta Nu in the archives and take out some story about the Lepi and the Tortapo and write him an essay, but I’m sure that won’t be hard.

By the time I’m finished, I’m really late. Like dead late. As in not that I’m definitely late, but that I’m so late that Master Delfig will have me incinerated and my ashes returned to my Master with “failed maths” printed on the box.

Back to maths. So in maths one of the biggest things that will get you into trouble and literally thrown out of class is forgetting your data pad or a stylus. Delfig doesn’t even reprimand you. He just chucks you out of class and comms your Master to let them know. So basically, no matter what, make sure you always have a stylus.

This morning Namia didn’t have her stylus.

I got there just as she was leaving the classroom. I looked through the door to see Qui-Gon making ‘your dead’ gestures and Mace staring at me with massive googly eyes. I swear I saw Tara sobbing and she’s one of Delfig’s favourites.

Right then I decided. I wasn’t going in. Stuff the consequences and Master Indoa’s dirty looks (I swear they’re not that bad Master, I can just tell when you’re annoyed with me), I was going to be with Namia.

She didn’t say anything when I joined her. She just took my hand. Which was nice. We’ve been doing that a lot recently. Holding hands isn’t against the Code and I like the way it makes me feel when I’m with her.

I walked with her down to the big waterfall. It’s sort of become our place. There’s a spot up the top that you can only get to if you jump and use the Force which means not a lot of people bother getting up there. We bother. It’s nice and it’s quiet.

We just sat for a while and Namia told me about her last mission. She’s great at all that political stuff. Far better than I can ever be. I think I’d be happy if there was some sort of Jedi star fighter pilot project and I could just fly from planet to planet for the rest of my life. I told her this and she smiled at me, but she didn’t tell me that my idea was stupid. Which made me feel good.

We talked about what happened in class. Apparently Master Delfig had been really nasty to everyone about the last test scores and the necessity of maths to be a good Jedi (which I totally don’t get, but anyway)

Then I did the stupid thing.

I kissed her.

I mean not on the lips or anything. Not yet anyway. I kissed her cheek. I don’t know why. I’d like to say it was the will of the Force or something, but that would be a lie.

She didn’t say anything. The Force went all hot and tingly like it does when something is shifting. I figured that it was the fact she was about to slap me because I’d kissed her.

I started to apologise. It was such a stupid thing to do. I mean I didn’t even know if she wanted to be kissed…

I even got up to leave. I told her that I was sorry and that I would keep my distance. I was about to jump back down when she grabbed me and pulled me back down.

Then she kissed me.

I would love to say that it was world changing, or that stars exploded or there was fireworks or any of those trashy holonovel lines that Tara reads us from whatever Master Dor has managed to sneak into the Temple, but it wasn’t.

We clonked teeth and I was too caught up in trying to control the weird eddies the Force was putting out. I mean I’m use to it the ebbs and flows of the temperature, but this was something else. This was like it was trying to say something.

Maybe it was.

I don’t know. I just know that kissing Namia felt good.

When we tried again and we didn’t clonk teeth.

I’m not going to describe what happened next because you don’t need to know and neither do you Master Indoa if you ever read this...

It was really cool though. I don’t know how to describe how I feel now, but I can’t wipe the smile off my face.

She...she’s just...I mean….she’s… wonderful fantastic gorgeous perfect.

I ended up missing all of Maths and we missed Galactic politics too. Master Indoa is going to be really annoyed when he reads the comms, but I made it up to him by sneaking some Corellian Ryshcate out of Master Samukay’s Cuisine class. It’s his favourite.

Hopefully it’ll be enough to get me out of endless meditation and scrubbing the ‘freshers. I mean that’s the normal punishment for missing class.

Unless Master Samukay punishes Namia in the same way. Then we would have to work together.


That would be cool.

 

Oh the rollercoaster of emotions. Taeyn is quite "chatty" with the thingamie

 

Hilarious entries with the emotions he is experiencing and the dis(like) of grains, tea and the meetings with Namia and Dooku

 

Yep, for a boy who grows up to be quite stoic and gruff, he's a very chatty teenager

Thank you