Kyle Katarn is so tough...

There are no force sensitives - only people Kyle Katarn breathed on.
Anakin Skywalker was conceived when the dust of Tantooine made Kyle Katarn sneeze.



Kam

 

Kyle Katarn is so tough he can steal the Death Star plans, mow down countless stormtroopers, commandoes, and officers, defeat an army of deadly sword-weiling or giant gun/rocket launcher gun weilding robots, blast his way into the heart of the Imperial City, beat Boba Fett, punch a Kell dragon to death, kill hundreds of non-human thugs, fight his way through an Imperial garrison into a fortress, beat several Dark Jedi and an Inquisitor with no Force or Jedi training, stop an Imperial invasion force, fall to the Dark Side and become invincible, save the Jedi Academy, defeat hordes of Dark Jedi with lightsaber-resistant armor, save Lando, and be the most heavily armed and deadly Jedi with the highest body count of any in recent history.

 

When Kyle Katarn was on a mission with the Katarn Commandos, one of their pack banthas died. Kyle brought it back to life with a sustained beard rub. While the Katarn Commandos celebrated, Kyle killed the bantha with a Bryar pistol shot to the face, just to remind them that the Good Kyle giveth and the Good Kyle taketh away.

"The Sith" is actually just a nickname that's used because it's way shorter than their proper name, "Kyle Katarn's Target Practice".

Kyle Katarn is Darth Krayt. Not because he fell to the dark side or thinks that the Sith have the right idea, but because he wanted to have 10,000 Sith running around so he could kick all their asses.

 

These'll do for now:

Kyle Katarn doesn?t tie his shoes, they just know they better hang the **** on.

When Kyle Katarn enters a Tusken village, Tusken women and children kill themselves.

One day, Kyle Katarn was walking down a Mos Eisley street when he saw an hot twi?lek trying to cross at a busy intersection. As he was helping her across, a landspeeder came charging towards them. Kyle tossed the hot twi?lek to safety and placed his body directly in front of the landspeeder, stopping it instantly. He then proceeded to eat the landspeeder. Then he ate the hot twi?lek. Kyle Katarn never takes chances.

KotOR 2 says the Exile killed thousands of Mandalorians and Jedi with the Mass Shadow Generator at Malachor V. When Lucas asked Kyle Katarn what he thought about that, he said, "That's one way to do it." Lucas laughed at Kyle's wisdom, and said, "I knew you were going to say that."

Kyle Katarn cultivates a small population of outer-rim world orphans with brown hair so he can harvest them at a moments notice for his beard.

Kyle Katarn?s sperm is so fertile that a woman without ovaries, a uterus, or any reproductive organs is still guaranteed to become pregnant if she has sex with him.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of ***** Kyle Katarn eats.

It is a valid theory that a black holes' gravitational pull is so intense that it can bend light. However, it is also a known fact that any punch or jab delivered by Kyle Katarn will break light's neck.

Every time someone wins the Duelling Championship on Taris, the corporate office must, by Tarisan law, send an official letter to Kyle Katarn reminding him that the match was scripted. If this does not happen even once, Kyle Katarn will destroy every duelist that has ever existed.

Kyle Katarn does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Kyle Katarn goes killing.

Kyle Katarn never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.

Kyle Katarn only got a cameo in the NJO series because the writers knew it wouldn?t be realistic for a war to last that long if Kyle was involved.

The Rebellion offered Kyle Katarn 20 billion credits to capture and kill the Emperor but he declined due to the "lack of compounds filled with dark jedi ninjas".

Kyle Katarn does not stick it to the Man. He is the Man.

Almost all of the Lego design team was lost when they attempted to dismantle a life-size replica of Kyle Katarn they had built.

At the assault on the Jedi Temple, it was Kyle Katarn that killed the masters. He told Anakin to "take care of the kids". When he found out Anakin had actually killed the kids, he impersonated Obi-Wan Kenobi, travelled to Mustafar and kicked his ass.

If ever you have a day when you feel that the gods are against you, just be glad that Kyle Katarn isn't.

 

There is no such thing as hyperspace. It's just Kyle Katarn picking up a ship and throwing it.

 

Wookiees rip people's arms out of their sockets when they lose at Dejarik. So you really don't want to see what happens when Kyle Katarn loses at Dejarik. Lucky for you, he doesn't lose. Ever.

 

Wars not make one great. Katarn makes one great.

That's no moon. It's Katarn!

The explosion of the second death star never reached Endor - because Katarn said so. Even shock waves and radiation know not to **** with Katarn.


Kam

 

And then killed Luke for trying to predict what he is going to say. That is how Luke died.

 

This is without doubt the best thread I have seen in over a year.

I have some here...

- The chief export of Kyle Katarn is pain.

- Kyle Katarn is Luke Skywalker's real father.

- In every Star Trek episode, if a ship blows up or if someone dies, it's because Kyle Katarn hates Star Trek.

- It is believed that asteroid fields were made by Katarn's roundhouse kick.

- Zonoma Sekot can travel in hyperspace, but needs Kyle Katarn to make the planet's rotation possible.

- The Jedi Council won't send Kyle Katarn to deal with Jacen Solo because it's against the Jedi Code.

- The reason the Jedi Mind Trick was invented was because Jedi wanted to copy Kyle's powers. That was after they learned Kyle doesn't use the Force to pull the Mind Trick off.

- Force lightning was invented for the same reason.

- If paper beats duracrete, duracrete beats vibroblade, and vibroblade beats paper, what beats all three at the same time? Kyle Katarn.

- Kyle Katarn's tears can cure more than Vergere's. Too bad he's never cried.

- Kyle Katarn's victims invented the Wilhelm scream.

- If you ask Kyle Katarn what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he shoots you in the face with his Bryar pistol.

- Kyle Katarn's normal power is setforceall 1138. (Jedi Outcast joke... )

- Duct tape is like Kyle Katarn: It has a light side, dark side, and holds the universe together.

- When Sith go to sleep, they double-check their closets for Kyle Katarn.

- Kyle Katarn can slam a blastdoor.

Ah.. That was great fun.

 

In reference to Traitor...

Kyle Katarn is always greater than the words we use to describe him.

 

- Duct tape is like Kyle Katarn: It has a light side, dark side, and holds the universe together.

I like that one.

Kyle Katarn can win a game of connect four in only three moves.

Contrary to popular belief the GFFA is not a democracy, it is a Katarnatorship.

Kyle Katarn grinds his own caf with is teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Some people wear Darth Vader pajamas. Darth Vader wears Katarn pajamas.

The original draft of Lord of the Rings featured Kyle Katarn instead of Frodo Baggins.
It was only 5 pages long as Kyle Katarn kicked Sauron's *** halfway through the first chapter.

A single hair plucked from Katarn's beard is enough to allow him to spear through Mandalorian armor.

There's an order to the universe: Space, Time, Kyle Katarn.....Just kidding, Kyle Katarn is first.

Kyle Katarn puts the "laughter" is manslaughter.

Force ghosts are actually caused by Kyle Katarn killing people faster than death can process them.

 

Question: How long is a Super Star Destroyer?

Answer: Doesn't matter, Kyle Katarn is going to kick your ass.

 

I was just about to do one on that.

 

Mandalorian iron is made by melting down Kyle Katarn's toenail clippings.

 

Along those lines...
Q: Who're better, the Mandalorians or the Jedi?
A: It doesn't matter, Kyle Katarn can kill both of them.

 

It's as long as Kyle allows it to be.




And the greatest fandom controversy addressed:

You know why the Republic only needed three million clones? They had Kyle Katarn.

 

Great stuff guys... (I always knew this was inevitable... hehehe )

If Kyle Katarn is late, time better slow the **** down.

Kyle Katarn's beard has a beard

Only a Sith deals in absolutes:- getting absolutely ****ed by Kyle Katarn.

Kyle Katarn drinks a special shake every morning for breakfast, the ingredients of which include blue milk, hot chocolate, a sprinkle of Anakin Skywalker's cremated remains (the armour anyway), and two fetuses. He says the fetuses make it extra creamy.

Kyle Katarn is like the Ring. Once you see him, you are already dead.

Kyle Katarn never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it.

If it weren't for Kyle Katarn's sex drive the GFFA would not be able to re-populate itself from all the killings of Kyle Katarn.

Kyle Katarn opened the blast doors

Kyle Katarn can cast a shadow in the dark

Kyle Katarn recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Hot Chocolate.

Kyle Katarn can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection.

There's only one way to skin a stormtrooper because Kyle Katarn has a patent on the other 1138.

Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch

Kyle Katarn killed Dumbledore.

Revan was.... power... it was like staring at a pale imitation of Kyle Katarn.

 

Kyle Katarn killed Dumbledore.

That made me laugh out loud...

 

Kyle doesn't need to carry all those weapons, he does it to show who *** **** people are dealing with

 

One time I was with Katarn in the back of a landspeeder, along with a live Ikopi. Katarn goes up to the ikopi and says, 'I'm Kyle Katarn! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the ikopi's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Kylekatarn' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a ikopi!

He'd eat a sandperson if you dared him!

He sweats bacta.

He sheds his skin once a year.


Kyle Katarn is a two ton man-mountain who can palm a medicine ball!

Kyle Katarn had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.


Katarn drank a full glass of liquid Glitterstim with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.

He once inhaled a thranta.

 

Despite popular belief the "Ganner" that Vergere saw the Vong worshiping was not named after Ganner. Ganner actually is the word in the Yuuzhan Vong language for Kyle Katarn. It has been part of their language since before they left their galaxy.


Palpatine wasn't the puppet master of the PT, Kyle Katarn was. Palpatine was an hones man until baby Kyle decided he was board with the Republic and thought it would be cool if Palpatine was evil.

 

You wouldn't have to dare him.

 

Kyes future is never in motion. He lives forever.

 

There was a prophecy that the son of Katarn would be as strong as the father, Kyle decided to send his infant son to another galaxy to rule. He was rasied by earth folks, but knew of his heritage because his true father gave him a holocron. His name is Chuck Norris.

 

Kyle Katarn is the Mayor of Sernpidal...just kidding. If he was, he woulda told that moon to get right back in orbit, Dovin Basals be damned, and it would have.

Kyle Katarn made the Kessel Run in less than one Parsec...on foot no less.

Those Sand Worms in Jedi Academy that will instantly kill you? Kyle keeps one of those as a pet. Same with the Mutant Rancor.