Saga Saga - ST Beyond the Saga Lord of the Rings but Kylo Ren is there for some reason

Fun discussion about catnips. By where is Kylo? He should be concerned about Blackie too.

 

I mean...he was... You know, at some point.

Oh, he is! And he's back!

Next nonsense chapter right here.

Chapter 11: Blackie's Radio-Thingamajiggers

Kylo Ren took the elevator up to the top floor of Barad-dûr which was powered entirely through the sheer strength of trolls. There was some elevator music playing in the background that resembled the theme of Mordor. It took half an hour to get to the top of the fortress and when he entered the Dark Lord's office, he was talking to one of his servants.

"So, how's the tourism industry in Mount Doom?" asked Sauron.

"A few tourists fell into the lava and complained they wanted refunds," reported the Mouth of Sauron.

Kylo Ren knocked on the office door. "Yo, am I interrupting something?"

"Please take a seat, Kylo," offered Sauron.

Kylo took a seat next to the Mouth of Sauron and was freaked out a bit by his appearance up this close. "You really need to see a dentist about those teeth, you know that? Doesn't Mordor have health and dental benefits?"

"Not in this year's budget," said Sauron casually. "Reports speak of the trespassing of two punk kids and their dog within Mordor territory. I'm assigning you the task of eliminating them. Sounds like trouble."

Kylo wondered if the "two punk kids and their dog" were actually the hobbits, Frodo and Sam, and that idiot, Gollum, that he splashed with Dead Marsh water eariler. "Don't worry about it. I'll find those fools."

"Also, I'm planning an attack on Gondor. Blackie is doing a great job training my Orcs. He or she or they will surely lead the forces of Mordor to victory," continued the Dark Lord.

And within the palantir, Kylo saw his kitten, Blackie, training thousands of Mordor's servants how to shift their eyes suspiciously. Supposedly something that would might help them in battle or something like that.

"So is Blackie officially a Dark Lady now? I hope her radiotransmitters are still in tact. She is to grow up as the woman-cat she was meant to be. That was the deal!"

"Don't worry, Kylo, Blackie's radio-thingamajiggers are still in tact last time I checked," reassured the Dark Lord.

"Okay, phew," said Kylo. "It may be hard to see because her butt is so fluffy just to warn you. That's why people get so confused."

"I'm sure they do," answered Sauron mockingly. "After all, you're the expert on cat sex education."

"Whoa," he gasped, taken aback by the comment. "Big scary word you used there, Mairon. Think of the children."

The Mouth of Sauron glanced from Kylo to the Dark Lord, not really understanding what was happening and too afraid to ask.

"Remind me not to introduce you to Mordor's veterinarian. You won't like her," said Sauron.

Kylo narrowed his eyes under his helmet. "Does her name start with a "T" by any chance? It better not be something like, 'Dr. Tana', because I definitely won't like her. There was a Dr. Tana who tried to take away Blackie's radiotransmitters but I stopped her. Those vets are big trouble, I'm telling you. Then she threatened to take away my radiotransmitters! The fool--only girl cats have them."

"Have you ever considered torturing prisoners with your nonsense, Kylo? I think you'd be good at it," said Sauron as he organized some documents on his desk. "Anyways, I gotta go review that agricultural yield report from the southern regions of Mordor. Why don't you find those punk kids?"

"Will do, sir," said Kylo as he hopped out the door, back towards the elevator. Once he arrived on the main floor, he walked out of the fortress. He pulled out a small cube from his pocket and threw it onto the ground. Somehow by some means, it turned into his Darth Vader kiddie car convertible.

Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeep, Kylo honked as everyone got out of the way except a few Orcs he ran over who were seemingly unharmed.

“You don’t know the power of the Dark Side…” announced the metallic recorded voice of the convertible as servants ran away screaming.

"I'm coming for you, Frodo Baggins," said Kylo as he drove slowly into the plains of Mordor towards the volcano on maximum speed. "You better watch out."

********
To be continued....

 

fun with the cat training the Orks. And Kylo on the hunt for punk kids in his kiddie car. Where will that end?

 

Too insanely funny with the kiddie convertible

 

Let's find out!

Thanks, glad you enjoyed the kiddie convertible--more of that next and in greater detail

Chapter 12: Reaching Mount Doom

"There she is," said Sam the hobbit as he pointed towards the volcano before them. "We're so close, Mr. Frodo. Hold on. You'll cast this evil ring in the fires and that'll be that."

Frodo heard the echoing sound of a beeping car and turned around, seeing Kylo Ren race straight towards them very slowly in his Darth Vader themed kiddie car convertible at turtle-speed. Meanwhile, this theme was playing in the background as he rode towards them silently.

Frodo collapsed on the rocks. "He's back--Kylo Ren is back! I can't go on, Sam. I'm too tired."

Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeep, honked Kylo as he stepped on the gas but it didn't do him much good.

"Is he trying to run us down using that?" asked Sam. "What a dork. I can literally just kick that stupid thing over."

"Oh, no," cried Frodo as he lay on the slope, exhausted. "He's going towards us very, very slowly. He's got us now. It's over, Sam."

"Oh, please stop being such a drama queen, Frodo," said Sam, rolling his eyes. "A snail can outrun him. If we pick up our pace, he will be left behind in the dust."

Beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeep, Kylo continued to honk annoyingly.

"That does it, Mr. Kylo. We've all had quite enough of you!" said Sam as he approached the kiddie car bravely. "Get away from us, you shirtless manchild!"

“You don’t know the power of the Dark Side…” announced the metallic recorded voice of the convertible.

"And you don't know the power of Samwise Gamgee!" And here the hobbit kicked the kiddie car with his furry foot with all his might and it broke down in complete smoke and Kylo was forced to retreat, turning the car into reverse mode back down the slope.

"You have failed me for the last time...." announced the metallic recorded voice of the convertible.

"GOD DAMN IT," thundered Kylo angrily as he glared to the hobbits. "Ruined my only ride! I'll cut you into hobbit tenderloins and serve you to the Orcs!"

"We're not afraid of you, Kyle!" cried Frodo only a few meters away. "Leave us alone!"

"IT'S KYLO REN, YOU FOOL!" cried Kylo Ren back before angrily slamming his fists into the kiddie car as he continued to reserve backwards and the car ended up falling down to the bottom of the slope in a fiery crash.

"Quickly, now, before he returns!" said Sam as he carried his friend on his back and began walking up the rocky slope towards the Cracks of Doom.

But Kylo emerged from whatever was left over from his kiddie car convertible down the bottom of the volcano slope and stood up, kicking the burnt pieces to the side.
"MIDGETS," he cried. "You can't escape me."

He ignited his lightsaber and followed the hobbits up the slope, bent on revenge.

********
To be continued....

 

Don't mess with the kiddie car. Kylo going after the midgets. Fun discussion between him, the car and Sam

 

Yay for Sam! Frodo a drama queen?

 

Thanks, glad you like the kiddie car bit

Honestly everyone is kind of a drama queen in LOTR but maybe Gollum is the biggest drama queen

Next chapter right here:

Chapter 13: Blackie's Origins

"Written records say that Sauron accidentally created the Blackies in the Second Age when a black cat jumped into his office and stepped in some magic silly putty or something bizzare like that," explained Gandalf as they were reaching the Black Gate with their armies. "But they escaped into Kylo Ren's world through his closet and were never seen in Middle-earth again. They are magic and reproduce like some kind of a fungus. They are born spies and shift their eyes suspiciously. But cats serve no one. Perhaps Blackie has forgotten."

"This rises a a lot of questions," said Merry. "Why does Sauron have magic silly putty? How does a cat stepping into it create new cats? Why did they specifically escape into Kylo Ren's world? Are they a type of fungus or a type of cat and who do they spy for? What's with the shifty eye thing?"

"Good questions," said Gandalf. "For another time."

"So Blackie's ancestor was an original cat of Mordor?" said Aragorn. "No wonder he became so easily tempted by catnip. But there is good in him. I can feel it."

"I have to use the washroom," complained Pippin.

"Fool of a Took!" cried Gandalf, smacking the hobbit upside the head with his staff. "I asked everyone before we left Gondor if anyone needed to use the restroom! Now you're going to just have to hold it in!"

"Oh," whined the hobbit. "Okay....I suppose I'll die with a full bladder then."

"And what about Frodo?" asked Merry.

"Who!?"

"Nevermind, just checking if sanity returned," mumbled the other hobbit.

Aragorn stopped before the Black Gate, seeing 'K-Y-L-O' written on it, the letters still hot from his lightsaber. "It appears Sauron is using Kylo Ren as a deterrent."

"Well then, he has failed," said Gandalf. "For we are not afraid of Kylo Ren nor any other fool like he."

"Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Let justice be done upon him!" cried Aragorn before the Gates of Mordor.

And then the Gates opened slowly, and from them a small black kitten clad in armour emerged and meowed.

"Blackie," whispered Gandalf. "Blackie what have you done, my boy?"

"Blackie, cast down that evil armour and golden collar and return to the side of the light," demanded Aragorn, raising his sword. "You do not need to be what your ancestors once were."

"We'll triple the catnip!" said Gimli.

"Quadruple!" said Legolas.

"Certified organic as well," added Gandalf.

Pippin glanced to Merry. "This cat stuff is seriously getting bizzare."

Blackie shifted his eyes suspiciously and behind him thousands of legions of Orcs and other creatures were waiting for him to give the final word to attack. He was about to raise his paw up to attack but then something happened as the catnip wore off at last and he took off the golden collar that was controlling him.

Gandalf smiled to the kitten. "I knew you were not fully consumed in darkness, dear cat. You are our only hope."

"Go forth, Blackie!" cried Aragorn, pointing towards the volcano in the distance. "Go and stop Kylo Ren from whatever stupidity he is unfolding!"

Blackie nodded and rushed back inside the Gate, past the armies and towards the volcano at full speed so that only dust was left behind him as he ran like a small, black cheetah towards his destination.

"Is there a battle going on still or what?" asked Merry, seeing nothing was happening.

"Sorry, I'm late," said the Mouth of Sauron as he appeared from the Gates and approached them on his black horse. "Ahem, ahem. I am the Mouth of Sauron. My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome. Is there any in this rout with authority to treat with me?"

"No need. Negotiations have concluded," announced Gandalf.

"Understood," said the Mouth of Sauron before turning back back inside the Gate. "Have a nice day."

******
To be continued.....

 

no fighting and Blackie saves the Day?

 

Fascinating origin story for Blackie Loved the exchange about going to the restroom!

 

So it seems...

Honestly, it seems like I've been writing about Blackie for a few years now and I could never decide where Blackie came from or his origins so uh......he's from Mordor now and nobody expected that And yes, restrooms---the topic no fandom wants to discuss but is there


Next chapter right here:

Chapter 14: At the Cracks of Doom

Gollum was confused that, as he was falling into the depths towards the lava with the One Ring, he was suddenly flying back upwards and was now hovering in the air in front of the hobbits.

The hobbits turned to Kylo Ren, who had appeared from behind and who was holding the creature in the air with the Force before snatching the ring himself.

"No!" protested Gollum. "Give us back the Precious!"

"Okay," agreed Kylo, then tossed him screaming down into the lava anyways. "Just kidding, haha."

"Mr. Kylo, you better give that back! We're not letting you give back the ring to Sauron!" cried Sam.

"Why should I do that?" laughed Kylo, taking off his right glove and putting on the ring onto his finger. "When I can become the Dark Lord instead and enslave all of you pathetic losers?"

"No!" screamed the hobbits in dismay. But their screams were not needed.

"God damn it," Kylo complained as nothing happened when he wore the ring. "Is this thing broken? Why am I not becoming invisible? Powerful? At least it should have gotten me engaged to Rey! PIECE OF JUNK!"

Frodo widened his eyes, staring at Sam. "The ring...has no effect on him!"

"Kylo!" cried Sam, turning to the dark warrior. "Throw the ring! Destroy it!"

"Fine, fine," said Kylo as he pulled the golden ring off his finger and threw it across the cave.

Sam face-palmed. "I meant into the lava! You were supposed to throw the ring into the lava! That's the only way to destroy it!"

"Now you're telling me? Should have specified," mumbled Kylo, rolling his eyes from under his helmet.

As Kylo tossed the ring off his finger, Frodo chased after it but it landed near the entrance of the cave and a Nazgûl picked it up and flew away.

Frodo fell to his knees, defeated, and then clenched his fists as he turned to the manchild. "You....you....you idiot! This..is all your fault, Kylo! This whole journey was in vain! My finger was bitten off. All for nothing."

"You're a jerk, Mr. Kylo!" cried Sam. "You mean, mean jerk!"

Kylo adjusted his robe in satisfaction. "Just doing my job."

Blackie suddenly appeared at the entrance of the Cracks of Doom but was too late to stop Kylo's stupidity, too late to save Middle-earth. The kitten wept. He had failed.

"Not all is lost, Blackie," said Gandalf's voice telepathically in the kitten's mind. The kitten closed his eyes and listened to the wise wizard. "You will return and be our saviour. Your time is yet to come."

"Kylo!" screamed Frodo angrily. "You will pay for this!"

"Whatever, midget. Oh, hey, Blackie," said Kylo as he picked up the kitten and placed him on top of his helmet. "We've caused enough trouble. Kind of tired now. Let's get out of here before Snoke finds out and takes away my vending machine privileges."

And just like that, Kylo Ren and his cat disappeared in a shower of sparkles, much to the hobbits' dismay. What would become of Middle-earth now?

******
To be continued.....

 

Who will hunt the Nazgul now that Kylo and Blackie are gone? Will Blackie return with an army of clones or Jedi or cats?

 

I never saw that coming! Kylo NOT becoming invisible and powerful (or engaged to Rey) ... Then him stupidly not tossing the Ring in the lava and a Nazgul snatching it... Looking forward to how Blackie salvages the situation

 

Or an army of cloned Jedi cats?

The not engagement to Rey part was probably the hardest hit for poor Kylo

Next chapter right here!

Chapter 15: New Adventures

Supreme Leader Snoke was sitting on his Throne in his golden bathrobe and slippers reading the newspaper. The main page of the newspaper was a surprise to him as it displayed a photo of Sauron with a thumbs up and the text below:

"LOCAL DARK LORD CONQUERS MIDDLE-EARTH; TURNS SHIRE INTO FIRST SHOPPING MALL; CREATES THOUSANDS OF JOBS."

"GONDOR BLAMES THE MANCHILD, KYLE RON: IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!"

"SLIPPERS, HALF PRICE."

"Kyle Ron?" wondered Snoke outloud and then saw Kylo walk into the room. "Kylo Ren, did you just happen to travel somehow to Middle-earth and change its course of history by another one of your acts of stupidity?"

"Nope," said Kylo, shrugging.

Snoke narrowed his eyes at him slightly, then turned the page of the newspaper. "Alright then....Ohhh....Slippers half price. That's a good deal."

Kylo shrugged and returned back to his room but not before he searched his pockets. "God damn it," he said, revealing an empty pocket. "Lost my keys in Sauron's office. I guess we better go back and get them."

Kylo returned back to the secret closet but couldn't remember what wardrobe Middle-earth belonged to. Suddenly another wardrobe opened, one with a wizard's wand and an owl engraved in it.

"Looks like fun, Blackie, let's go!"

And he jumped in and disappeared, leaving Blackie behind. Meanwhile, the kitten fell into the other wardrobe that contained Middle-earth and disappeared as well.

And so the two went into separate worlds....

******
To be continued.....

 

Great. Blackie will be able to get things done the right way LOL

 

So Blackie can save the day.
But Kylo? Up to some trouble in Hogwarts?