Saga - ST Before the Saga Saga - Legends Reading with Rey (Revan, cats, aliens, and Kylo gets his butt kicked once again)

Title: Reading with Rey (Revan, cats, aliens, and Kylo gets his butt kicked once again)
Author: gizkaspice
Timeframe: The Last Jedi, KOTOR era, directly after the Mando meets Kylo Ren story
Characters: Rey, Luke, Blackie, Millicent's loth-cat ancestor, Kylo Ren, sassy Darth fem!Revan, HK-47, Rakata OC, others
Genre: Comedy, Parody, Drama
Summary: Another Legends/Sequel crossover! Rey finds a sacred history "Legends" book and learns about the history of the Galaxy's domestic cat, Dr. Tana the First Order vet's veterinary school teachers, and how Kylo Ren appeared from a wardrobe to annoy the great Darth Revan and many others. So hold onto your butts because gizkaspice had too much sugar/catnip again.

Notes: Prior knowledge of KOTOR (Knights of the Old Republic) encouraged but not essential. Revan and friends are characters from the KOTOR game but you also don't really need to know the entire backstory of him in Legends except that he was a Sith and then a Jedi or something---I seriously don't even remember the whole story because I haven't played the game in a million years. Also, technically "Legends" Revan is a man but here he is a woman. Also I'm making all this up as I go along and have absolutely no storyline. Tagging @AzureAngel2 for another wacky cat adventure.

Chapter 1:

The temple island of Ahch-To.

"Luke! Will you finally teach me to become a Jedi!?" demanded Rey outside the last Jedi's stone hut.

"Nahhhhhh," mumbled a grumpy Luke on his sofa as he sat munching on snacks with Chewie and watching his soap operas.

"Chewie, you were supposed to convince him to come out of there not join him!"

"Rrawwrrrr," replied Chewie from the hut.

"What do you mean you couldn't resist the temptation of the snacks?!" Rey sighed, shaking her head. "Fine! Be like that! These days you can figure everything out from the Internet and through disciplined self-learning, anyways. Let's go, Blackie."

Blackie, Kylo Ren's black kitten whom she temporarily kidnapped from him back on Starkiller Base, sat on her shoulder and nodded as they headed towards the tree library to read some more books.

Rey sat on a small sofa and began to indulge herself in a small but thick notebook she found beside a trashcan that depicted a paw print and said in Aurebesh: "The History of the Cat." There was a sticker on it that said "Legends."

"I'm so excited, Blackie!" she said as she turned the pages. There were many, many pages missing and some pages had scribbles on them. "Oh, I wish Finn were here. He would love this."

Somewhere on Canto Bight, Finn gasped in terror, sweat dripping from his face. He turned to Rose. "I sense a great disturbance thingiee. As if....Rey...is reading a book about cats. The Galaxy...is not ready for this! Millicent...will...reign!"

Rose narrowed her eyes and zapped him with her electro-shock prod. "Nope. Not this cat stuff again."

But Rose's pleads to stop the cat stuff and bring logic and reason back to the Galaxy didn't stop Rey from reading the book she held in her hands now. "It all started about 4,000 years ago in a different dimension or maybe a different canon where someone called Darth Revan was looking for her wallet on a weird tropical paradise planet....and.....Kylo Ren appeared out of a wardrobe out of nowhere?! Seriously, who writes this stuff?" She sighed. "Alright, Blackie. Let's see where this goes..."

*****
To continue....

 

Another auspicious beginning!

 

Thanks for reading/commenting! Indeed and the beginning is just beginning...

Chapter 2

Legends said that some time after the Battle of the Star Forge and the great victory that followed after the defeat of the Sith, Revan, who was once a Sith Lord turned good or something like that, returned to the tropical planet of the Unknown World, or Rakata Prime as others called it, because she forgot her wallet.

So her ship, the Ebon Hawk, landed on a beautiful beach and while the rest of the crew stayed inside playing cat bingo, she ventured out towards a strange alien settlement she once visited with her sassy assassin droid called HK-47. He was a droid that liked to kill things and called organic life forms, "meatbags" except cats because nobody would dare insult a cat, not even an assassin droid. This is the way.

Suddenly, a flash of light sent them back as a man clad in black with a helmet and attire very similar to her own appeared in front of them out of a wardrobe. A black kitten was sitting on his head, shifting its eyes suspiciously.

Kylo Ren looked around, seeing sand and palm trees. One of the planet's moons was visible through the atmosphere. "Alright! I hit the jackpot and got a paradise vacation. After that Mando incident, I could really use a break."

Revan titled her head. "And who are you? Why are you cosplaying as me? You know that's plagiarism, right? You want to speak with my lawyers, punk?"

"Oh my gosh!" squealed Kylo in amazement like a total fanboy. "You're the legendary Darth Revan I read about in a book once I found in Supreme Leader Snoke's sofa next to an old sandwich! I'm Kylo Ren, very evil Darkside warlord of the First Order. I come from a totally different dimension in the distant future or whatever."

"What?"

"But...oddly you are a woman. I thought you were a man. Perhaps you are like the type of fish who changes gender. Maybe you're like Dory the fish and suffer from memory loss."

"Yes," agreed Revan sarcastically. "I am a fish. Didn't you notice?"

Kylo observed the masked figure with a similar attire design to his own. "I don't see the tail nor the fins..."

Revan helmet-palmed. "The stupid is strong with this one. Force save us."

“Funny you say that. An angry red-haired lady named Mara Jade once said that to me. Then I went to this other dimension and met this guy called Mango and his green, baby leprechaun. Freakin' Mango and his basket armour. I could take out a whole fleet of his mandarin oranges. Next thing you know your underwear has sand in it cause a fruit kicked your butt."

"I literally have no idea what you just said," said Revan.

"Didn't you have an apprentice called Darth Malic Acid?" asked Kylo suddenly.

"Huh!?" asked Revan, not understanding the Kylo language and too afraid to extract the Kylo language from the man's mind in fear of becoming one with the stupid. "Did your parents drop you on the head when you were a baby or something?"

"Maybe. That's why I killed my father. Let the past die, kill it, if you have to. That's the only way to become what you were meant to be."

"Uh...........Right....Do you make up dumb crap often?"

"Hey, you guys wanna see my cat?” asked Kylo, pointing to the black kitten. “This is Blackie. Her name is Blackie cause she’s black, like the Dark Side and Darth Vader. It’s a cool colour.”

"Who the hell is Darth Vader!? And your cat is peeing on you."

The yellow liquid dripped off of the young man's helmet but he only shrugged. "Yeah, she does that sometimes."

The droid, HK-47, sighed. "Fact: that cat is a boy and you are a moronic meatbag."

"You're wrong, droid," said Kylo sternly, even seriously, as though he was stating a great philosophical fact. "Many have said she is a boy. All were wrong. So, too, are you."

"Excuse me?" demanded Revan annoyingly. "How dare you argue with my droid, you time traveling wiener. Didn't anyone ever teach you about the birds and the bees?"

"You should teach your droid proper cat anatomy, Lord Revan," said Kylo. "It's really not that hard: girl cats have these things near their butts called radio transmitters which help them sense the world. Boy cats do not. It's very difficult to tell the difference because sometimes cat butts are very furry and it's just hard to see."

"Warning: my central processor is overheating from this stupidity," said HK-47, holding his head. "Unable to process the stupid any longer....memory full of crap!"

"Great," said Revan with a sigh. "Now my droid is going to explode because you're stupid. I hope you're happy, Kyle."

"IT'S KYLO REN, FOOL!" screamed Kylo, igniting his lightsaber and cutting down some palm trees. He kicked the sand, which got into his boots and pants. Now he understood why his grandfather hated sand--it was coarse and got everywhere. Then he got angry he had sand up his underwear and started to scream at air. He tripped over a small rock and fell into the terrible sand face down. A gizka hopped over and peed on him before happily hopping away in victory. Blackie followed the gizka's lead and also peed on him.

"What the hell is wrong with this guy?" started Revan.

The droid turned to her. "Query: shall I kill him, Master? Oh please, Master. It will be great fun to have his meatbag organs all over this pristine beach."

"I need to get my wallet back first. Anyways, I'm sure when I get back from the Elders' settlement, he'll be gone. Why don't you stay here and make sure he doesn't cause an explosion or something?" said Revan, stepping on the peed-on Kylo who was just lying there with his Darth-Vader themed underwear sticking out. Blackie decided to jump onto Revan's shoulder and sat there looking cool.

"Ow," said Kylo as he was stepped on.

"Disappointment: I am left with a mindless meatbag from another dimension who doesn't understand his own squishy organs. Oh, what did I ever do to deserve this?" sighed the droid, looking at the already semi-defeated Kylo Ren.

*****
To continue....

 

"Oh my gosh!" squealed Kylo in amazement like a total fanboy. "You're the legendary Darth Revan I read about in a book once I found in Supreme Leader Snoke's sofa next to an old sandwich! I'm Kylo Ren, very evil Darkside warlord of the First Order. I come from a totally different dimension in the distant future or whatever."

"What?"

"But...oddly you are a woman. I thought you were a man. Perhaps you are like the type of fish who changes gender. Maybe you're like Dory the fish and suffer from memory loss."

"Yes," agreed Revan sarcastically. "I am a fish. Didn't you notice?"

Kylo observed the masked figure with a similar attire design to his own. "I don't see the tail nor the fins..."

Revan helmet-palmed. "The stupid is strong with this one. Force save us."

“Funny you say that. An angry red-haired lady named Mara Jade once said that to me. Then I went to this other dimension and met this guy called Mango and his green, baby leprechaun. Freakin' Mango and his basket armour. I could take out a whole fleet of his mandarin oranges. Next thing you know your underwear has sand in it cause a fruit kicked your butt."

Sheer hilarity!


The droid, HK-47, sighed. "Fact: that cat is a boy and you are a moronic meatbag."

"You're wrong, droid," said Kylo sternly, even seriously, as though he was stating a great philosophical fact. "Many have said she is a boy. All were wrong. So, too, are you."

"Excuse me?" demanded Revan annoyingly. "How dare you argue with my droid, you time traveling wiener. Didn't anyone ever teach you about the birds and the bees?"

"You should teach your droid proper cat anatomy, Lord Revan," said Kylo. "It's really not that hard: girl cats have these things near their butts called radio transmitters which help them sense the world. Boy cats do not. It's very difficult to tell the difference because sometimes cat butts are very furry and it's just hard to see."

"Warning: my central processor is overheating from this stupidity," said HK-47, holding his head. "Unable to process the stupid any longer....memory full of crap!"

"Great," said Revan with a sigh. "Now my droid is going to explode because you're stupid. I hope you're happy, Kyle."

Priceless!

 

Here I am, on my mobile, for I just wanted a wee peak onto the boards in between, but your writing is always too wonderful to leave it uncommented.

Revan being a woman is a great, brave twist, but fits perfectly into this new story of yours. Great writing as always! Thanks for tagging! I'll be around!

 

Well, DRL took over and an update to this story is long overdue.

@WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Thanks for reading/commenting on this crazy thing Glad you found it entertaining!

Always an honour to read your insightful comments, Azure!
I'm glad you like Revan being a woman. I always played him/her as female in the actual KOTOR game years ago because to me it made the most sense---it's a shame the Legends 'canon' Revan is a guy. I think SW needs more powerful women who actually influence the Galaxy and not just there for background support.

And finally onto the very delayed Chapter 3.

Chapter 3

“I'm just here for my wallet. Has anyone seen it?” asked Revan as one of the Elders approached her when she finally reached the Rakatan settlement. She had visited the village a few times in the past where the descendants of the ancient Infinite Empire still thrived, strange amphibian-like creatures with tall craniums and horizontal eyestalks. Over 20,000 years removed from their tyrannical ancestors, the planet still reeked from heavy usage of the Dark Side and made her uncomfortable.

“Revan, you’ve returned,” said a Rakatan Elder holding a fat, orange lothcat. “The last time you were here you destroyed the terrible legacy of our ancestors, the Star Forge. We forgot to tell you about this cat who is the last descendant of the ancient lothcats who served our evil ancestors. Her name is Milli’Kent and she likes to dance. Would you like to see her extensive hat collection? Subscribe to her newsletters to keep yourself updated on her daily sleep routine."

“Her....what?” said Revan in confusion. “No, I don't want this fat cat in my possession. I just want my wallet back."

"I see you already have one cat; another one should be no problem. The more cats one has the merrier, so we believe."

Revan looked to Blackie who was sitting on her shoulder, shifting his eyes suspiciously. "He's not my cat. He belongs to this guy who came from another dimension and pees on him for some reason."

"Huh. Who's peeing on whom?" asked the Elder, confused.

"Meowwww," meowed Milli'Kent the lothcat as she woke up from her mini-nap and wiggled her reptilian-like feet. She walked over to Revan and rubbed against her legs. Now her black attire had orange hair everywhere and there was no vacuum cleaner in sight.

"Would you like to hear the story how the Infinite Empire captured lothcats from the planet Lothal 20,000 years ago to rid their ships of gizka infestations?"

"A good story," said Revan, narrowing her eyes under her mask as she was tired of the cat stuff already. She had no time for a 4-hour story about cats without bathroom breaks. "....for another time. Now, where is my bloody wallet!?"

Suddenly another Rakata appeared beside the Elder. She was slender and wore similar attire to the rest of her tribe except for a white labcoat-like poncho. “Milli’Kent needs to be taken off Lehon to be with her own lothcat kind so you must take her with you."

“This is Dr. Sukhaa, our veterinarian who has been caring for the creature,” explained the Elder. "She specializes in feline biology."

Revan pondered for a few moments and then got an idea. “Is that so? Alright fine. I'll take your fat, evil cat but you need to do a really big favour for me. You’re a doctor, right? Learning human anatomy shouldn't be a problem.”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” mumbled Dr. Sukhaa, the brown eyes on her eyestalks narrowing at the human.

"There's this annoying guy called Kylo Ren that came from another dimension who refuses to believe his cat is a guy no matter how many times I tell him that Blackie isn't a girl cat. I'm trying to send him back where he came from without sending him back in pieces,” grumbled Revan and then stopped as she did some brief meditation to remind herself she was on the light side now. “I need you to educate him. I think he's like, really dumb and confused. Maybe his parents dropped him on the head when he was a baby, I dunno.” Here she took out a book out of her pocket she was carrying for the very occasion called “Puberty and You” and handed it to the alien to study it.

“What a very inefficient and stupidly complex reproductive system you humans have. I’m not even sure what I’m looking at, ” said the vet, unimpressed, reading through the human anatomy manual and being unfamiliar with the medical vocabulary.

“That’s totally OK,” reassured Revan. “You just need to convince him you're right and that he's wrong. Once he understands that his cat is a boy, maybe he'll go away. Maybe he’ll make the connection and listen to you. To clarify, he thinks his cats' testicles are radiotransmitters which emit some kind of waves to communicate with the outside world. Or...or something. I feel like an idiot just trying to explain his thinking."

"Uh.........Yeah. I highly doubt this plan of yours is going to work. You can't fix stupid," said the Rakata.

"Alright, alright, look," bargained Revan with the alien. "Even if this plan doesn't work out, I promise I'll still take Milli’Kent and find her a nice home. Then we'll throw Kylo Ren into the deep jungles and the savage tribes there will eat him."

"FYI, they don't eat junk food," clarified Dr. Sukhaa monotonously.

Revan sighed in defeat. "Then I'll do what must be done: kick his butt so he leaves everyone alone. Hopefully for good this time."

Hopefully, she thought. The poor folks in other dimensions who had to deal with him probably said the same thing....

*****
To continue....

 

Too much hilarity with the vet!

 

Cute and lots of fun! Lynda V.