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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Before - Legends Recall (Movie Quote Challenge - AU/Obi-Wan, OCs -Updated 8/15)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku, Aug 6, 2014.

  1. K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku

    K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 18, 2000
    Title: Recall
    Author: K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku
    Characters: K'Tai, Obi-Wan, T'lor
    Disclaimer: The GFFA is owned by someone else. I just play here.

    AN: This is in response to the Movie Quote Challenge. Sometimes, the past just won't stay there. I had #42:
    You look absolutely perfect to me. - Lolita (1997)


    We are in the senior dojo, working on a slow, meditative kata side by side. We flow from one pose to the next, a step here and then there, hands and arms sweeping through the air. It is a kata we have done many times. That is why I chose it today. Something familiar, gentle, known. K'Tai stands next to me, her movements following mine, her breathing slow and steady. The Force flows around us, peaceful, serene.

    "You are doing fine," I say as we move into parting the equus' mane. K'Tai smiles at me, her eyes closing as she reaches more deeply into the Force. We move into sky and earth and that is when it happens. As she stretches, feet close and arms touching over her head, I feel the Force contract, and then she is screaming, a blood curdling sound that would wake the dead. I can feel the panic rising through our bond as the vision claims her.

    "No, not again. Get out of my head! No more!"

    The words are torn from her throat. She drops to her knees, totally consumed by the vision before her. The Force churns as waves of heartache, anger, helplessness, self-loathing, and fear pour out of her. I bend down, trying to pull her back to reality.

    "K'Tai, it's a memory. It's past. Focus on me," I say, but she's gone beyond my reach. There is no bringing her back, at least not right now.

    "So much blood. My hands...so much blood," and she scrubs at her hands, trying to wash away something that isn't there, and yet will always be there. They are cracked and scraped, and the more she rubs, the closer they come to really bleeding. This is not the first vision, nor is it likely to be the last.

    The dark side is like that, an oily residue that never quite goes away. All it takes is a trigger, a scent in the wind or a pose in a kata, and you are right back in the midst of the madness. I know it well. The depths of the visions and the strength lessen with time, but they are never truly gone. I remember a time as a padawan, coming in to our quarters from class to find Gi'den in the midst of a flashback. I can still see the sweat on his face at his hairline, the tension in his muscles as he fought being consumed yet again by one moment so many years ago. It was terrifying. But as frightening as that was, K'Tai's flashbacks are worse.

    I reach out through our bond, but she is gone, walled up behind shields I could get past but not without lasting consequences. And then he is there, beside her, beside me.

    "I've got her, T'lor," he says and I step back watching wearily. Her flashbacks sometimes trigger my own. I take a steadying breath and focus on Obi-Wan, reaching into the Force to keep my own demons safely locked in deep in the prison of my memory.

    "Come on K'Tai," I hear him whisper. "Sesench'ai, listen to me. Focus on me." He calls her sesench'ai, beloved. I see him hold her hands. They are rubbed raw by her attempt to wash them clean of the blood in her memories. "It's not real. I am real. Now is real. This is the past. You have to let it go."

    "I can't," she whispers. "I can't. They died because of me. I couldn't stop it. He killed them and their blood is on my hands, and I can't get it off. It won't come off." She looks at her hands. "See?" Her eyes are wide and feverish. She is caught between the vision and reality. Her expression pleads with him to understand her anguish, to make it stop or at least help her to make peace with it.

    He takes her raw hands, now bloodied in places, and holds them to his lips. "They look fine to me, love." He kisses them. "They are the hands of a healer and a warrior. They saved many that day. They saved me."

    "But I couldn't save them all."

    "None of us could. We did our best. We saved most of them." He stroked a piece of hair back from her forehead. "It's time to come back to the present, to now, to me." He leans forward and pulls her to him. "Sesench'ai. Listen to me. Let it go."

    K'Tai takes a breath, and then another, and slowly I see reason return to her eyes. Her eyes are red, her cheeks are tear streaked, and her nose is swollen from crying. She is far from the picture of calm, much less pulled together, and she knows it. "I'm a fine mess to look at."

    "You look perfect to me," he says, holding her close and kissing her tenderly. And he means it with every fiber of his being. I look away. Some things are meant to be private, and this moment, this now, this time of rebuilding and renewal is one of them.

    "May the Force be with you both," I say and I walk out of the dojo, leaving her in his care. I look back briefly from the other side of the door. It frames them as they sit now, facing each other, palms together and foreheads touching in a posture of communion shared by our two traditions. I smile a little and commit the scene to memory. Then I head to our quarters to meditate and work on keeping my own past where it belongs.
     
  2. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    K'Tai, that was a riveting and poignant use of the quote. Intrigued by the "I" being T'Lor not Obi-Wan, but I love the external POV and outlook on the soul-bond. :D I can just imagine that flashbacks that are Force-fueled would be grievously intense.

    Obi-Wan's empathy and words are also perfect.

    [:D]

    [:D]
     
  3. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2014
    Beautifully written, K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku —just lovely and just... wow all around. I love how this piece captures the spiritual and emotional bonds between all three characters (it's good that K'Tai has a close Force-bond with her teacher as well as with her beloved) and explores the nature and effects of these probably very intense and disturbing Force-instigated flashbacks. I can barely imagine what this feels like for poor K'Tai, but I'm so happy she's got two people who care for her close at hand!

    And cool Lady Macbeth homage, too. ;) I'm now eager to read about what it was K'Tai did that got "blood on her hands" all those years ago! (Is it something already documented in Bits and Pieces or the Ultra-Stressed Jedi Students, or is that story yet to be written? ;) )

    Finally, great job transforming—indeed, reclaiming—a quote that probably sounded somewhat creepy in its original context (being from Lolita and all).
     
  4. earlybird-obi-wan

    earlybird-obi-wan Chosen One star 6

    Registered:
    Aug 21, 2006
    intense emotional piece
     
    Kahara and K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku like this.
  5. K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku

    K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 18, 2000
    Thanks Nyota's Heart, Findswoman and earlybird-obi-wan. I think it is a good thing I never saw the movie. [face_whistling] I kind of figured the line was likely a bit creepy in its original context, which led me in a weird train of thought to PTSD and how it might manifest in a Force-user. And that little plot bunny found a home in the story between Obi-Wan and K'Tai. I wasn't even conscious of the Lady Macbeth reference until you brought it up, Findswoman. The time in question is hinted at in Bits and Pieces and has been drafted but not polished enough to publish. That particular story has become a novella in length and needs some serious beta before it sees the light of day. I won't say much more than that other than K'Tai's response is driven as much if not more by survivors guilt than anything else.
     
  6. K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku

    K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 18, 2000
    AN: The other two characters in this scene insisted, rather forcefully I might add, that they get a turn too.




    Qui-Gon and I sit in the first hints of sun. He has chosen an outdoor garden for today's meditation and I can hear the strange mix of natural and urban that is Coruscant around the Temple - birds chirp over the drone of unceasing hover car traffic. I try to focus on the birds but feel my attention turned to the masses that the traffic represents. The Force on Coruscant is powerful because of the sheer number of beings that inhabit its surface. It is also tumultuous and pulsating, as if the entire planet lives through the beings that live on it. I would not characterize it as peaceful.

    Qui-Gon makes a noise in the back of his throat that lets me know he is aware of my wandering attention. I make a slight sound of apology and return my focus to the moment. I breathe, in and out, and the Force ebbs and flows with my breath. I can feel her too...she is in a moving meditation...in and out...and then I gasp. My eyes snap open and I see Qui-Gon looking at me. He feels it as well. I think the whole Temple can. She is a powerful empath and with the Force...

    "Go, quickly."

    I am on my feet and running out the door before I stop in my tracks. Where is she? I am shielding against our bond, and yet I feel her panic rising now, her distress mounting in ever increasing waves. This is a bad one. I close my eyes and open myself up, knowing full well that it will be a jarring experience to say the least. Waves of pain and images assault me...there is blood and fear. Sithspawn! There, in the senior dojo. I take off running, my feet carrying me to her side oblivious of others. My anger bubbles closer to the surface, laps at my feet. HE did this to her!

    The mind healers told me these episodes would happen. They explained that because we are sesench'ain, I would feel them more intensely than anyone else. They failed to mention exactly how intense that would be. She is reliving her capture and torture, and I feel HIM in her mind, just as if he were still living and still capable of hurting her. She is heartsick, and I ache to be able to fix it, to make it go away once and for all. But I can't. I couldn't stop it the first time, and I can't stop it now. She asked me once how I live with the memories of all of the atrocities I have seen. I told her I didn't know how, I just did. And that's true. You just do. There is no magic formula, no special exercise save persistence. I choose to make peace, each and every time, with those events. And each time, it gets a little easier and the recall isn't as bad as the time before. But you never forget.

    I round the corner, taking a breath and calming myself, and enter the dojo. She is kneeling on the floor, scrubbing at her hands, a symbolic gesture. I touch T'lor's shoulder. She startles a little and looks at me dumbfounded for a moment.

    "I've got her, T'lor."

    I watch as T'lor slowly stands and gives us space. She actually fought the thing that did this to K'Tai, just barely kept him at bay and her own mind intact. K'Tai's flashbacks rattle her even more than they do me because they trigger her own.

    "Come on K'Tai. Sesench'ai, listen to me." I call her beloved because she is. I grab her hands, hoping to still them, to help break the spell by touching her and moving her focus to me in the present.

    "It's not real. I am real. Now is real. This is the past. You have to let it go." I feel her start to return to the present, to see the memory for what it is. She reaches out to me through our bond.

    Obi-Wan?

    I'm here, love. Come back to the present. This isn't real.

    "I can't," she whispers. "I can't. They died because of me. I couldn't stop it. He killed them and their blood is on my hands, and I can't get it off. It won't come off. See?"

    Her eyes are wide and in them I see her teetering on the edge of the abyss. My soul cries out to her. Stay with me. You haven't left yet. Stay with me.

    Obi-Wan?


    She is aching and while I know that the monster is responsible for her shattered psyche, at some level this pain is my fault. I can do nothing but love her through it. I kiss her hands gently. "They look fine to me, love. They are the hands of a healer and a warrior. They saved many that day. They saved me."

    "But I couldn't save them all."

    "None of us could. We did our best. We saved most of them." Heart of my heart, soul of my soul, now and forever. I stroke a bit of hair back from her forehead and look into her eyes. She is almost back.

    Please don't leave me.

    I'm here. I will be here.
    "It's time to come back to the present, to now, to me." I pull her to me, tucking her into an embrace, protecting her from the world. "Sesench'ai. Listen to me. Let it go."

    K'Tai takes a breath, and then another, and slowly reason returns to her eyes. Her eyes are red, her cheeks are tear streaked, and her nose is swollen from crying. I can feel her chagrin and displeasure at her appearance. "I'm a fine mess to look at."

    "You look perfect to me." I follow this with a tender kiss, and her mental shields fall away. I drop my own and pull her closer. I want her to know I mean it. She is perfect in this moment, in her vulnerability. I would stay this way indefinitely, just holding her and being.

    I hear T'lor leave the dojo. "May the Force be with you both," she says as she walks out the door. K'Tai moves to face me, her forehead touching mine, her palms pressed against my own.

    Now and forever.

    Always.
     
    Ewok Poet, Kahara and Findswoman like this.
  7. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    Oh, oh, heavens above and SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! that was gorgeous. I love reading of soul-bonded partners and reading this from Obi's POV is scrumptious. His empathy - words and actions are even more touching firsthand than from T'Lor's perspective. [face_thinking] LOL like Findswoman, I thought the earlier Macbeth reflection was deliberate. =D=

    Lands, but that must be horrific, not only to have lived through it once but not to be able to rid oneself of it once and for all even with professional and loverly assistance. @};- [:D]
     
  8. K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku

    K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku Jedi Grand Master star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 18, 2000
    Nyota's Heart: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D I wasn't sure that giving additional POVs would work, but as characters are wont to do, they insisted. This bond is something that Obi-Wan tried very hard to make go away, and when that didn't work, he just flat out refused to acknowledge it or figure out how to deal with it (because Jedi don't become attached, and he IS Jedi to his core), and that is what puts K'Tai in harm's way in the first place. There is a lot of healing, on both of their parts, that has to happen, and it isn't pretty.

    Definitely. The Force is powerful, but some things only heal with time, and they leave a scar. But Obi-Wan and T'lor are right - it will get better with time. K'Tai just has to hang on.

    This is the last installment.


    The senior dojo is quiet this early in the morning. It has been a long night. I am tired, and the moving mediation of the kata promises a relief from the horrors of my dreams. The poses are familiar, soothing. I begin to relax, to let my guard down.

    "You are doing fine," T'lor says. She is standing next to me, guiding me in this. We part the equus' mane, and I think back to riding one on the plains of Kress. I smile, exhale, and relax more. That is my mistake. The next move is earth and sky. I pull myself straight, lifting my arms over my head and pulling my feet together. I stretch, and the world shifts. The Force loses its balance, Unity splits into Light and Dark, and the Dark advances. I am plunged into a waking nightmare. The dojo is gone. T'lor is gone. Obi-Wan is gone. My hands and feet are bound by electrobinders, and the monster is there in my head. I am alone with that monster, and they are dying at his hands. My world narrows until all I can sense is pain, fear, and death. I try to block it out, but the Force is elusive and slippery, sliding away as I try to stop him. I can't shut out their screams...

    Vaguely I register the sound of someone else screaming. He is in my head again, laughing, taunting, ripping my very self apart. "No, not again. Get out of my head! No more!"

    The jarring pain of my knees hitting the floor only magnifies the vision. The monster is feasting on the pain, on my fear and my helplessness. I feel my anger welling, the storm gathering...I will destroy him. He will not hurt them. I move to bring my hands into the battle position and horrible shocking pain shoots through my body. I scream until I can scream no more. And still the monster is there, gloating.

    The vision shifts and now my hands are free. I move again to bring them to battle position, to do something. As I do, I see them. My hands are covered in blood. It drips, crimson puddles pooling on the floor. There is so much blood. How is there so much blood? I am lost now. This isn't the past anymore - I know, I remember that by the time my hands were free, the cell I was in was empty of the physical evidence of death. And yet I know somehow that this is also a true vision of what happened. The monster laughs, and I cry out in anguish and anger. I am a Tal'shari guard! My job is to protect and heal, and I can do neither. Now their blood is on my hands. So much blood. No amount of scrubbing makes them clean. They are forever tainted, but I try to clean them anyway. There has to be a way to clean them. I become more frantic, and the monster grows bolder, taunting me with my failure.

    And then he is there, like sun bursting through storm clouds. He is calling to me and then he touches me. It is an electric shock, a spark, hope. He wants me to come back to what is real. But the vision still owns me, tries to claim me once more. There is so much blood, I could not save them...I have to make him see, make him understand. If he understands, maybe he can help me fix it, put the pieces back together, find a way to be whole because I am certain I will never be whole again.

    Obi-Wan?

    I'm here love. Come back to the present. This isn't real.


    "I can't. I can't. They died because of me. I couldn't stop it. He killed them and their blood is on my hands, and I can't get it off. It won't come off. See?"

    I go to show him my hands, but he has them already in his own. I look into his face, into his eyes. He is hurting too. What have I done that he hurts too? It isn't enough that they are gone, I've hurt him and that is too much to bear...I can't go back and I can't go forward. I'm stuck somewhere between the vision and reality, between past and present, regret and acceptance, turmoil and peace. I'm straddling a chasm, and I don't know if I have the strength to push myself back to safety.

    I feel him reach out to me through our bond, pleading with me to turn away from this, to come back to him, and then he kisses my hands gently. "They look fine to me, love. They are the hands of a healer and a warrior. They saved many that day. They saved me."

    I look at the past. I failed that day. He has to understand that.

    "But I couldn't save them all."

    I hear his breath catch. I catch a flash of a memory, not mine. He understands my failure all too well.

    "None of us could. We did our best. We saved most of them." Heart of my heart, soul of my soul, now and forever.

    The chasm looms below me. If he goes, I am afraid I will fall into it, that I will disappear into this morass. He is my lifeline. I panic. Please don't leave me.

    I'm here. I will be here.
    "It's time to come back to the present, to now, to me."

    Obi-Wan tucks me into an embrace, and in that moment the chasm disappears and I am grounded again. I collapse into him as the vision subsides.

    "Sesench'ai. Listen to me. Let it go."

    The Darkness calls, a sickly-sweet tale of lies, of promises of oblivion to end the pain. But before I can take heed, Light answers with a promise of its own. It is not a promise of oblivion, but of strength, perseverance, forgiveness, understanding, and most of all love. I chose to listen to the Light. I take a breath, and then another. Slowly reason returns, and the Force is back in balance, if still in two pieces. I am in the dojo again, on the floor, and I am a royal mess. No two ways about it. I look at Obi-Wan. He looks rattled, and so does T'lor. This was a bad one, probably something the entire Temple felt. I flush with embarrassment. "I'm a fine mess to look at."

    "You look perfect to me."

    His lips are on mine, soft and warm, and it feels right. For the first time since my ordeal the present is exactly where I am and where I stay. I let my guard down and feel him do the same. He loves me, discord and all, and I cling to that. I want to stay here in this now, forever.

    I hear T'lor leave the dojo. "May the Force be with you both," she says as she walks out the door. I move to face him, my forehead touching his, my palms pressed against his hands. The Dark recedes, and I ache to feel the Force without feeling that dichotomy under the Unity, to touch it like a Tal'shari and not Jedi. But for now, there is the Light and Obi-Wan. It is enough.

    Now and forever.

    Always.
     
    Ewok Poet, Kahara and Findswoman like this.
  9. WarmNyota_SweetAyesha

    WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Chosen One star 8

    Registered:
    Aug 31, 2004
    Beautiful. I love the analogy of the chasm and the dichotomy and how she grasps at the light and all the forgiveness and strength and love it can offer. Bravo!!!! =D=
     
    Kahara and K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku like this.
  10. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2014
    Oh my, K'Tai qel Letta-Tanku, how on earth did I not realize that you wrote further installments (versions? variations? it's hard to know what to call them) of this gorgeous piece? :eek: The multiple viewpoints really work out quite well for this story. We get the opportunity to see how Obi-Wan came to be on the scene (cool explanation of how K'Tai's empathic power is palpable to everyone in the Temple), and, most importantly—to get a little deeper inside K'Tai's head as she experiences this horrific flashback—lets the reader act the empath, in a way. I'm now stoked to reread Bits and Pieces to get the background on this harrowing incident from K'Tai's past.

    And just lusciously written... exquisite all around. @};- You've got a real talent there. Looks perfect to me! :D
     
  11. Kahara

    Kahara FFoF Hostess Extraordinaire star 4 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Mar 3, 2001
    The way that the scene plays out filtered through three different characters is fascinating -- it really brings home how the same exact event can mean entirely different things depending on your "certain point of view."

    T'lor's understanding of the Dark Side flashbacks and how terrifyingly sudden they can be gives us an acute and frightening inside glance at the continuing echoes of a past that won't let go. Her description adds a kind of familiarity to what might normally seem like a mystical -- and thus distant -- experience. It's a very present and "real" struggle through her eyes. I like how we get the sense that there's a common bond and understanding between her, K'Tai, and Obi-Wan that they have all faced this before and will probably have to again.

    Obi-Wan's fierce determination to keep plowing through, choose the right thing, get up again in the morning and do it again has a strong counterpart in K'Tai. They love each other -- seemingly more intensely for how much they've been tested. They have that way of people who will always be there for the other, no matter what. Their responses to each other and these mysterious past events really highlight the underlying sense of honor and duty that must be one of their common chords. Really beautiful. =D=

    Some favorite parts from each:

    Already said this once, but I'm seriously blown away by how much unique mileage you managed to get out of each character's POV.

    Congrats on the nominations!
     
  12. Chyntuck

    Chyntuck Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 11, 2014
    Holy moly! The first "version" made me freak out, the second one made me squee and the third one made me cry. Now I'm a fine mess to look at too. Beyond the virtuosity with which you manage points of view, this little triptych is powerful writing. I'll read "Bits and Pieces" as soon as I can, but I'm also going to badger you about the novella you said you had in the works!

    Congrats on both of your nominations :)
     
  13. Findswoman

    Findswoman Fanfic and Pancakes and Waffles Mod (in Pink) star 5 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2014
    Wonderful to reread this, and congrats on the well-deserved nominations. =D= Besides the deftness with which you handle the three characters' different points of view (similar enough to be recognizable as the same scene, different enough to highlight the characters' different inner struggles), I just love how you portray the real nuts and bolts of the bond between these two very different Force-adepts—and this goes for your other stories about them, too. @};-

    I too am anxiously awaiting the novella, and I would be glad to help beta if you are still in need of that. :)