Rewrite the OT in light of the PT (humor)

This is one of the best threads ever

I made the mistake of reading this at work, and as my phone rang and i picked it up i just burst out laughing ..great job everyone, plz keep these coming

 

OWEN: Have you seen Luke today?

BERU: He said he had some things to take care of so he left early.

OWEN: Oh good, while he's gone, we should probably get rid of his Grandama's tombstone right outside the house. Luke's been looking at it, and I think he's about to start asking questions.

 

LUKE
How did my father die?

OBI-WAN

Uh.... (stalls for time)... A young Jedi named Darth Vader -- silly me, that's a Sith name, not a Jedi name -- a young Sith named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil and became known as Darth Vader, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. Actually, he was too lame and pathetic to destroy any real Jedi Knights, so he only destroyed the little kids that the Jedi were training, while clones -- stormtroopers that is -- did the more dangerous work of taking out the actual Jedi Knights. Anyway, he also betrayed and murdered your moth-- er, I mean father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force... not so much because of the power, but because he actually thought it might save lives or some other such rot, even though he wound up killing the one person he was trying to save. Which, like I said, was your moth-- I mean, father. (slaps himself)

 

This has got to be the BEST thread ever! I LOVE IT! Keep em coming! I am Lovin' all this!




*Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Prepare to Fight*

Darth: When you left me, I was but the learner, but now I am the master!

Obi-Wan: I still slept with your wife, so that makes ME The MASTER! HA HA HA!

Darth: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!



*In Emeror's Chamber*

Vader: *hands Emperor Luke's Lightsaber* His Lightsaber.

Emperor: Ah, yes. A Jedi's weapon. Actually, it's also a Sith weapon, but that's not important. I look forward to beginning your training. Then, of course, I'll kill your dad because there can be only two Sith, but whatever, anywhoo--

OR:::



Vader: His Lightsaber.

Emperor: Ah, yes. A Jedi's Weapon. Much like your father's I-- *stops and stares at Luke* By God, He looks just like Obi-Wan!

Vader: *whiny voice* Nuh-uh! He looks Like me!

Emperor: No, no! Turn around, Luke, let me look at you!

*luke spins in a circle slowly*

Emperor: No, I think he looks more like Obi-Wan!

Luke: You mean--?

Emperor: Yes! You're "father" lied to you! It is really Obi-Wan that is your dad!

Luke: Wait....what? That makes no sense! So the whole plot of my father redeeming his bad deeds is for nothing, right? I mean, he doesn't have a son to save, so he's saving the love child of his old master he hated anyway?

Emperor: . . .

Vader: Damn.


Annadalla

 

Annadalla that was funny

 

Ah, I should check this thread more often.

 

Always nice to see this thread again. Cheers.


Vader enters his chamber and kneels. A large hologram of the Emperor appears.
The Emperor hologram now looks like this for some reason.
[image=http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40507000/jpg/_40507021_sidious.jpg]


VADER: What is thy bidding, my master?

EMPEROR: There is a great disturbance in the Force.

VADER: I haven?t felt it. The darkside clouds everything.

EMPEROR: We have a new enemy -- Luke Skywalker.

VADER: Yes, my master.

EMPEROR: He could destroy us.

VADER: He's just a boy. Obi-Wan can no longer help him. And he never attended Yoda?s youngling lightsaber preschool classes.

EMPEROR: The Midi-chlorians are strong with him. The son of the Chosen One must not become a Jedi.

VADER: What?s the big deal? The Jedi were cleared out of the galaxy in one afternoon, what?s one more Jedi? He?s lucky I didn?t know about him when he was a defenseless 6 year old though, then I?d of showed him a thing or two. Let?s try turning him, that?s a good trick.

EMPEROR: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?

VADER: Well, yeah, but we?d have to junk the whole Sith rule of two.

EMPEROR: Why?

VADER: Cause there?s already two of us.

EMPEROR: Are you sure?

VADER: Yes.

EMPEROR: We shall see. Sith, count off!

VADER: One...

EMPEROR: ...Two...

VADER: I believe that?s all of us, my master.

EMPEROR: Hmmm. This will prove difficult. I will not lightly ignore the rule of two. As you well know, Lord Vader, the Sith were only able to achieve galactic conquest because of a severe numerical disadvantage. But we shall attempt to turn him, in the hope that he will either refuse and die or join us and one of us will die keeping the rule of two intact. Sound good?

VADER: He will join us or be turned into orange goo, my master.

 

Oh, how I laughed when I read that

VADER: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father...

LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

VADER: No... I... hey... What? He told you WHAT?! That senile piece of gundarkpie told you that I killed your father?! He's the one who chopped of my legs and arm and left me to burn in lava! He's all like: "Oh, I love you Ani! You were like my brother! I'll walk away now to see to your wife who hates you now because of me (bahaha on you!) and leave you to die a horribly painful death in that fine river o' death. So long! Don't forget that I looove you -snicker-" If anyone killed your father it would be HIM!!! Stupid Obi-Wan who thinks he's soooo good just because he got to be a master and not me. Bloody backstabber with his fancy beard and silly disappearing-trick... Speaking of disappearance; where had he been hiding for all these years?

LUKE: On Tatooine. Watching over me...

VADER: HAH! Serves him right! It stinks living there, sands in your ears all day long (well, you should know), and those jawas were always mean to me. Aaaaanywho, if you haven't figured it out already, what I was going to tell you is that I am your father!

LUKE: No! No! That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!

VADER: You know, screaming Nooo won't improve your situation. Believe me, I know. But it sure is fun screaming when you have this cool mask on. It makes you sound just like James Earl Jones. That is sooo cool.

 

*Luke talking to ghost of Kenobi on Dagobah*

Luke: Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father!

Kenobi: Hey, you better be thankful I didn't tell the truth about how he choked your mother and killed all the Jedi kids!

Luke: Wha...he killed Mom too?

Kenobi: Errr....no. She simply lost the will to live and didn't give a damn about her newbon babies.

Luke: Yeah, right!

Kenobi: Honest! The robo-doctor told me!

Luke:

 

This a scene that will be added to the next special addition

Mace and Anakin's force ghosts are sitting together in a speeder

Anakin: It's nice to be a Jedi again,it's the little differences from being a Sith that make all the difference

Mace: Example

Anakin: You know what the Sith call a lightsaber?

Mace: They don't call it a lightsaber?

Anakin: Nah, they think it sounds gay, they call it a death stick

Mace: A death stick?(in a Palpatine voice) I will kill you with my death stick

Anakin: They also eat red milk instead of blue milk

Mace: Goddamn, that's nasty

Obi-Wan shows up

Obi-Wan: yes that is nasty

Mace: I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing

 

LUKE: Something's happening . . . I'm not the farm boy I should be. I want more, and I know I shouldn't.

OWEN: You expect too much of yourself.

LUKE: I have found a way to save myself.

OWEN: Save yourself?

LUKE: From my nightmares about being a moisture farmer forever.

OWEN: Is that what's bothering you?

LUKE: I won't lose myself in farming, Uncle Owen. I want to transmit my application to the Academy this year.

Owen's face becomes a scowl, although he tries to suppress it.

OWEN: You mean the next semester before harvest?

LUKE: Sure, there're more than enough droids.

OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one more season. This year we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to hire some more hands. And then you can go to the Academy next year.

Luke continues to toy with his food, not looking at his uncle.

OWEN: You must understand I need you here, Luke.

LUKE: But it's a whole other year.

OWEN: Look, it's only one more season. I promise you.

Luke pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands.

LUKE: No, I promise you!

 

ROTJ:

As Luke turns away from his friends celebrating their victory, he sees the ghosts of Obi-Wan and Yoda appearing.
LUKE:
"Hey boyos, what are you doing all the way out here on Endor?"

OBI-WAN:
"Endor? Is this Middle-earth? We must have taken a wrong turn near the Dragonlance world."

YODA:
"No, no.. Endor this is. Planet of the Ewoks. Good relations with the Ewoks, I have mmm."

LUKE:
"Hey master Yoda sir, why is it that you don't fall through that wooden support beam? Aren't you.. ghostlike?"

YODA:
"Ghost I am not. Composed of midichlorians am I now."

LUKE:
"Midiwhat now? Midi-files?"

Then, a young man with a quirky smile on his face appears, also ghostly.

LUKE:
"Who's this now?"

ANAKIN:
"I.am.the.greatest.Jedi.EVAR.!"

LUKE:
"You look more like a stalker to me. Is it you who has been following me all this time? I've heard strange voices in my head, like when I almost fell in that chasm on the Death Star, I heard a voice going "Stop or you'll be goo!", and when I fired that proton torpedo I heard someone yell "Yipee!". Is it you.. father?"

ANAKIN:
"Yes. Luke. Between.the.apples.and.the.pears.and.the.whining.I.managed.to.get.into.your.moms.panties.-
Even.though.I.don't.think.I. really.impressed.her.that.much.She.was.always.talking.about.curly.boys.-
Not.slow.learners.like.my.self."

LUKE:
"But wait a minute here. I saw you just a few hours ago on the Death Star Part II and you were old and wrinkly, and exsqueeze my French, a tad ugly. Now you are quite good looking, albeit more monotone."

ANAKIN:
"Sorry.for.my.demeanor.Lots.of.sand.in.my.throat.as.a.kid.-
And.trouble.breathing.when.they.put.me.in.my.mask.before.they.brushed.my.teeth.and.-
cleaned.my.face.bloody.as.a.nightmare.gundark."



Butt Edit: Side-scroll

 

too funny

 

Vader: Has anybody ever seen a podrace?

HAN: They have podracing on Corellia. Very fast, very dangerous?

VADER: I?m the only human who can do it.

HAN: You must have Jedi reflexes.

VADER: I...I was wondering...something...

HAN: What?

VADER: Well...you're a smuggler, aren't you?

HAN: What makes you think that?

VADER: I saw your ship. Only smugglers fly that kind of ship.

HAN: Perhaps I tortured a smuggler and stole it from him.

VADER: Indeed?

HAN: Of course not! No one can torture a smuggler.

VADER: You?ll wish that were so?

 

Hahaha!

ROTJ

Luke drags his father's broken body across the hangar floor. Everywhere, Imperials are fleeing the imminent destruction of the second Death Star.

VADER:
"Luke..Luke..."

LUKE:
"Yes, father?"

VADER:
"Before I die, I just want you to know, I truly deeply love you."

LUKE:
"Hooookaaay, I have to go."

 

Emperor: The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.

Vader: If he could be turned, he would be a powerful ally.

Emperor: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?

Vader: He will join us or die, my master.

Emperor: Can you guarantee his death? He isn't a youngling you know.

Vader: But, I am more than well-trained...

Emperor: You are also little more than an armored pork chop.

Vader: But, I saved you from Master Windu.

Emperor: You still believe that? Grow up, boy. I had him eating out of my hands. Besides, who blasted whom through that window?

Vader: But, Dooku...

Emperor: In a rematch. And, even then, you were too much of a wuss to just cap him without a cheering section.

Vader (bristling): I slaughtered a village of sandpeople.

Emperor: They are mindless savages! They do not count.

Vader: But, I also...

Emperor: You bring up winning that damn podrace again and I fry you!

Vader: Master...

Emperor: That's better.

Vader: ...Please remember my loyalty to you in hunting down and destroying the Jedi.

Emperor: Please remember that the best Jedi were defeated by myself and the next tier of Jedi were gunned down by the clone armies.

Vader: But, Obi Wan...

Emperor: Remind me why I kept you. Your former teacher *vanished*, Lord Vader. No, all you have in your favor was killing a bunch of snot-nosed brats cowering in the Temple. How do you plan on killing your own son? Reading your insipid love poetry to him? Simply bring him to me. All will be taken care of.

Vader: Yes, my Master.

Emperor: And have my shuttle waxed. The drive needs a tune-up, too.

 

Luke talking to Leia in the ROTJ SE 2007 DVD Edition:


Luke: Leia, do you remember your mother, your real mother?

Leia: Well, yes for about 7, no 10 seconds

Luke: Tell me more.

Leia: Well, she had us and then lost the will to live for some reason

Luke: Well, our family is pretty screwed up if you think about what our dad is done

Leia: What Luke, tell me?

Luke: OK, he killed a bunch of kid jedis, he tried to strangle mom, he tried to kill Ben Kenobi, he then blew up your adoptive parents, then he froze your boyfriend in carbonite, and then chopped my hand off.

Leia: All that, thank god he didn't raise us!

Luke: Oh yeah, by the way, I am going to meet him to redeem him, I know there is still good in him. He was just misunderstood all these years by alot of older fans who grew up loving the Original Trilogy movies.

Leia: To each his own, I liked him better before I knew everything about him from those newer movies!

 

Luke: Search your feelings, Father, you can't do this.
I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate.

Vader: It is too late for me, son. The Emperor
will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now.

Luke: Then my father is truly dead.

Vader: Listen, you young whippersnapper - tell me what you would do
if all during your formative years all you heard was: "The Jedi are
corrupt," "The Senate is a directionless beauracracy," "You were meant
to be the most powerful Jedi," "They're all jealous of you!" Day in and
day out. Over and over again. Now, imagine your pregnant wife begins
siding against you and betrays your trust by dragging your goody-two-shoes
former Jedi master along to face you. Now imagine your eyes turning yellow
and red as you are overcome with the power of the Dark Side. In short,
it's not fun, kid. Look at you. You're out of control. Obi Wan didn't
warn you about ignorance of the Dark Side during your training?

Luke: Well, Obi Wan didn't spend too much time with me, really - it was more Master Yoda...

Vader: Oh ho ho! So, now we bring him into the mix! I had nightmares and all the advice he
could give was a load of fortune cookie crap about letting go and learning patience. Did he give you the Patience Talk?

Luke: Sort of, I guess...

Vader: You damn right he did. So, imagine you watched your mom die in your arms, in a rage
slaughtered the creatures that killed her, saw all the nookie and excitement the Jedi weren't getting, get denied a
seat on the Council, and have a crazy old coot whispering in your ear
during all of this that he can give you unlimited power if you only kill a few people. Ask
yourself, "What would I do?"

Luke: Well...I guess when you put it that way...

Vader: I am the victim in all this! Where's MY love? Where's MY respect?

Luke: Father...

Vader: Go away. The fruit of my loins has evidently become infested with fruit flies. I am lost.

Luke: I still sense good in you.

Vader: That's your mom talking.

 

Vader: Luke, would you like to hear my rap?

Luke: Not really

Vader: Don't make me destroy you

Luke: Okay go ahead

Vader: From the moment I heard Palps, say I had a son, I knews that I'd be safe cause I'd never be alone, an evil sith lord shouldn't talk a lot about his feelings, me burns and my rage don't make me too appealing. I went into a fit when I burned off my penis, but now I'm starting to heal, do you wanna seet it...

Luke barfs

LukeCrying) I love you pa

Vadercrying0 I love you son

 

Luke: Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side. You've failed, your highness.
I am a Jedi, like my father before me.

Emperor: You are an insufferable, whiny brat like your father! Yoda - owned.
Padme - dead. Obi Wan - gone. Master Windu - played out like a hustla.
Younglings - toast. Nute Gunray - smoked like a blunt. From where I sit...
I have won.

Luke: But I will never turn.

Emperor: So what. Then, you will die, too. Problem solved.

Luke: There is still good in my father.

Emperor: Vader never told you what happened to your mother...

Luke: This is gonna be bad, isn't it?

 

Luke has just finished setting up camp on Dagobah and helps himself to some dinner...

LUKE: Now all I have to do is find this Yoda from the prequels, if he even exists. Still...there's something familiar about this place. Feels like...

A CGI Yoda triple backflips across the frame igniting his lightsaber in kewl fashion and landing next to Luke with his lightsaber held in Form VI lightsaber combat fashion.

YODA: At an end your feeling is, and not short enough it has been.

LUKE: Away put your weapon! I mean you no harm.

Yoda lowers his lightsaber and Luke is able to see who is next to him.

LUKE: Yoda? Yoda! It is you, I remember seeing you in the prequels!

YODA: For me to be wondering why you are here, a long time it will take. To figure it out, longer still. You here why?

LUKE: I?m Luke Skywalker, Ben told me to come and receive training from you.

YODA: Know who Ben is, I do not.

LUKE: What? He said you trained him.

YODA: Dooku, you mean? Been talking with Dooku, you have? Impossible that is, dead he is. Know the Jedi disappearing trick, he did not. Told his former master, perhaps Qui-Gon did. Hmmm, meditate on this, I might, if time I have...maybe.

LUKE: Huh? Look, all I know is that Ben Kenobi told me to seek Yoda and complete my Jedi training.

YODA: Oh, hmm hmm. Obi-Wan, you mean. Changed his name to Ben, has he? But kept the name of Kenobi, he has, hmm. Never bright, Obi-Wan was. Always knew it, I did. Ever since help he needed from younglings, to find missing planets. Very well, begin the training we will. Come, come, follow me.

Yoda does a CGI flip over Luke?s head and disappears from view.

LUKE: Hey! Where?d you go?

YODA: Over here, I am. Next to bluescreen, the bluescreen, follow, come.

LUKE: Bluescreen? Where?d the set go, where are you?

YODA: Not done, this part of the scene is. Still in post-production, it is. A digital character, am I. Added later, I will be.

LUKE: But there?s bluescreen everywhere and I can?t even see who I?m supposed to be talking to. How am I supposed to know good acting from the bad?

YODA: Acting not make one great! Come.

Luke follows the soon to be inserted into the scene digital Yoda in the vastness of the bluescreen

YODA: Train quickly, we must. Already 20 years too old to be trained, you are. Watch the prequels, we will. Learn all about the Jedi, midi-chlorians, padawan hair braids and digital effects, you will. And if time we have, tell you about my good relations with the wookies, I will.

LUKE: Prequels? Hair braids? Relations with wookies? I think I?m gonna be sick.

YODA: Oh, you will be. You will be.

 

Tarkin: The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word
that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic
have been swept away.

Tagge: But that's impossible. How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?

Tarkin: The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep
the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

Vader: Fear of power - unlimited power.

Tarkin: Well, that too.

Tagge: But how can his magical superpowers reach across systems?

Vader: You should see what happens if you don't pay him back for an opera
ticket. Trust me, he'll find you...

 

LUKE: But there?s bluescreen everywhere and I can?t even see who I?m supposed to be talking to. How am I supposed to know good acting from the bad?

 

TAGGE: Until this battle station is fully operational, we are vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is far too knowledgable about the Prequels. They're more dangerous than you realize.

MOTTI: Dangerous to your fan base, General, not to this Saga.

TAGGE: The Rebels will continue to gain support in the Imperial Senate until-

TARKIN: The Imperial Senate will no longer be a problem. As if it ever was. Those twits, for all the power they held could not stop the Emperor's rise to power.

CHIEF BAST (or whoever the unnamed officer who speaks this line is): And what of the Rebellion?

TAGGE: If the Rebels manage do manage to release the details of the Prequels to the fan base, it is possible, however unlikely, that they may find issues, and exploit them.