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CT Rewriting the OT to suit the Prequels (humor)

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by Darth Downunder, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. darklordoftech

    darklordoftech Force Ghost star 6

    Sep 30, 2012
    Qui-Gon: I'm Qui-Gon Jinn. I was Obi-Wan's master.
    Luke: But Obi-Wan said Yoda was his master.
    Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan speaks "from a certain point of view." You should know that by now.
  2. Darth_Invidious

    Darth_Invidious Force Ghost star 6

    Jun 21, 1999
    Yeah, it sure would've been nice if the old toad had warned him about that before croaking.
    darklordoftech likes this.
  3. AshiusX

    AshiusX Jedi Knight star 3

    Feb 7, 2016
  4. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Aug 5, 2001
    More Obi-Wan on Anakin:

    "He was the best pod racer in the galaxy. And a cunning warrior. And her was a um...friend. Actually more of a co-worker".

    "When I first met your father I was amazed by his midichlorian count. It was off the charts. I took it upon myself to train him. I thought I could instruct him just as well as Qui-Gon. I was wrong."
    Luke: "Are you drunk? I don't understand any of that!"
  5. CaptainHamYoyo

    CaptainHamYoyo Jedi Master star 2

    Aug 18, 2011
    Obi Wan- "You shall go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed the master of my master, who instructed me"

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  6. Palp Fiction

    Palp Fiction Jedi Master star 3

    Feb 18, 2003
    "Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day you nearsighted scrap pile!"
    R2 activates his rockets & flies away :r2h:
  7. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Aug 5, 2001
    Ben: You cannot escape your destiny. You must face Darth Vader again.
    Luke: Any advice?
    Ben: It's all about getting the high ground. Do that & you've won.
    Luke: The...what ground? How do I do that?
    Ben: Climb onto something. Anything. A table, a ladder. Doesn't matter.
    Luke: Hmm that could be difficult.
    Ben: The problem you have Luke is you're a short-ass. What're you like 5'6"? Vader already has the high ground.
    Luke: It's not fair!
    Ben: Use the Force Luke. Use your athletic ability. Vader is slow & clumsy. Leap up onto something. Be careful though. If you claim the high ground he'll probably throw his lightsaber through the air at you to knock you back down. He knows more than anyone how valuable the high ground is.
    Luke: Okay I'll watch out for that.
    Ben: If you can force him to the floor then the high ground is yours. Don't waste a moment. Attack him furiously until he yields.
    Luke: Good advice. Ok I'd better get going...
  8. SageOfRage

    SageOfRage Jedi Youngling

    Apr 4, 2016
    Luke: "leia, do you remember your mother?"
    Leia: "no, idiot you spent more time with her than i did"
  9. DarthCricketer

    DarthCricketer Jedi Master star 3

    Feb 18, 2016
    Luke: Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

    Obi-Wan: Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good — well, O.K. — man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.

    Luke: [incredulously] A certain point of view?

    Obi-Wan: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. Anakin was a good friend; well, not actually that good a friend ...

    [After a while]

    Luke: [shocked] I don't believe it!

    Obi-wan: [annoyedly] That whining; I hate it when you do that! Patience; use the Force; think! After all, I haven't even started yet!
  10. Drewdude91

    Drewdude91 Jedi Knight star 3

    May 21, 2011
    *Leia kisses Luke*

    R2 sees this, flips out, and shocks both of them.
  11. Drewdude91

    Drewdude91 Jedi Knight star 3

    May 21, 2011
    Bartender: "No droids here! They'll have to wait outside!"
    Luke: "What? Why"
    Bartender: "Because droids are evil. They killed my mama in the Clone Wars! WAH!!!!!"
  12. Lulu Mars

    Lulu Mars Chosen One star 5

    Mar 10, 2005
    LUKE: Come with me.

    VADER: Your mother once thought as you do. You don't know the...

    LUKE: My mother asked you to come with her?

    VADER: Yes.

    LUKE: And you refused?

    VADER: .....................I must obey my master!

    LUKE: BS! You're just using that as an excuse. Be honest, pops. You didn't want anything to do with her, did you? Was it 'cause she got pregnant? Well, I've got news for you, pal: YOU got her pregnant! Show some backbone and take responsibility!

    VADER: (through gritted teeth) You don't know what you're...

    LUKE: Save it. I see right through you, old man - and I do not like what I see.
    You never wanted kids, did you? No, you want your freedom. You're a one-night stand kind of guy. A girl in every port and all that crap. My mother meant nothing to you. She was just another... *croak*

    VADER: (fuming) I...LOVED...HER!!

    (He let's Luke go)

    LUKE: *huge gasp, Grievous-style coughing* ...OK, so you loved her. My mistake.
    ...So what the hell happened to her?

    VADER: Obi-Wan turned her against me.

    LUKE: Obi-Wan tu... Hang on - Did they... you know?

    VADER: (taken aback) ......Obviously! Yeah! Yes, they did. (whispering) Yes, they did!

    LUKE: Oh. Wow. That crazy old wizard just keeps on lying, doesn't he? Son of a...
    So, you might not be my biological father after all?

    VADER: ......Maybe.

    LUKE: Huh. That's... messed up, man. I feel for you.

    (They stand quietly side by side for a moment, just staring at the forest)

    LUKE: Well, so what! Who cares if we're not blood-related? As far as I can tell, you're a way more dedicated father than that lyin' old weirdo. I'm with you now!

    VADER: Terrific! So, what do you say we get up there and overthrow that wrinkly *******?

    LUKE: Sure thing... dad!

    VADER: Oh, you...!

    (They enter the elevator together)

    LUKE: (as the door closes) How did my mother die?
  13. Sarge

    Sarge Chosen One star 10

    Oct 4, 1998
    Ooh, I don't want to see what's in the elevator when the doors open again.
    Anakin.Skywalker and Lulu Mars like this.
  14. -Jedi Joe-

    -Jedi Joe- Jedi Master star 2

    May 6, 2013
    C-3PO: "Thank the maker!"
    Darth Vader: "You're welcome..."
  15. JDN21

    JDN21 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 17, 2004
    Yoda: "Feel the force around you, you must. The rock, the tree, you, me, between. Everywhere, yes, even the land and the ship, between". *Disgruntled facial expression with every syllable*.
    KaleeshEyes, Sarge and DarthCricketer like this.
  16. JDN21

    JDN21 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 17, 2004
    Vader: "I HATE YOU, Captain Needa."

    Ben Kenobi: "I don't remember ever owning a droid"
    R2: "Beeps..whistles <translation>You LIAR! We spent years together, I thought we were friends! If you're gonna blank me like that, I'm gonna play the Princess' transmission in 240p!"</translation>
    Anakin.Skywalker and corinthia like this.
  17. JDN21

    JDN21 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 17, 2004
    Obviously, in the PT Anakin/Vader was self-centred, charmless dullard, so lets carry that in to an alternative OT:

    Vader: "I find your lack of belief in the force stupid"

    Vader: "The force is with you, Skywalker...but you're no match for me, I am the most powerful Sith lord ever"

    Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father...
    Luke: "He told me enough, he told me YOU killed him!"
    Vader: "He's a liar! I'm your father...He really told you that? I hate him, I hate Obi Wan so much!"
  18. JDN21

    JDN21 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Nov 17, 2004
    "Obi Wan Kenobi? I haven't gone by that name since oh, sometime after you were born"
  19. panta1978

    panta1978 Jedi Knight star 3

    Mar 20, 2016
    Voice: We're sending a squad up.
    Han Solo: Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a minute to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous.
    Voice: Who is this? What's your operating number?
    Han Solo: FN-2187. Does it work?

    (I know it's about the 3rd trilogy but whatever...)

    Sent from my SM-G903F using Tapatalk
    -Jedi Joe- and Sarge like this.
  20. Darth Downunder

    Darth Downunder Chosen One star 6

    Aug 5, 2001
    Vader: We would be honored if you would join us!
    [Han fires his blaster, Vader deflects the shots & summons the weapon out of Han's grip]
    [They all sit at the table, the doors close behind them]
    Leia: What do you want with us Vader?
    Vader: No need to discuss that right away Princess. We've prepared some food & some refreshment for you.
    Han: We're not interested!
    Vader: I insist.
    [Leia, Han & Chewie reluctantly take a sip of their drinks]
    [An apple levitates into the air & flies across into Vader's hand]
    Vader: So, [cutting the apple] how was your trip here? It's a long journey without hyperdrive.
    Han: We're not interested in small talk pal.
    [Vader raises a hand & a piece of apple floats through the air & onto the fork of Chewie who shoves it in his mouth]
    Vader: If the Emperor caught me doing this he'd be very grumpy!
    Han: Can we skip straight to the torture? Anythin's better than this!
  21. corinthia

    corinthia Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Feb 16, 2016
    This one wins for me, hands down.
  22. panta1978

    panta1978 Jedi Knight star 3

    Mar 20, 2016
    I concur!!!!!

    Sent from my SM-G903F using Tapatalk
    corinthia likes this.
  23. Scott109

    Scott109 Jedi Padawan star 1

    Apr 22, 2016
    Technically R2-D2 belonged to Padmé, so I see no contradiction.
  24. cubman987

    cubman987 Friendly Neighborhood Saga/Music/Fun & Games Mod star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Nov 7, 2014
    The point there is he acts like he has never seen this droid before despite being saved by him numerous times.
  25. Scott109

    Scott109 Jedi Padawan star 1

    Apr 22, 2016
    GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Lord Vader, the Death Star is orbiting Tatooine.

    VADER: I grew up on Tatooine since I was very little: three, I think. My Mom and I were sold to Gardola the Hutt, but he lost us betting on the pod races.

    GRAND MOFF TARKIN: You were a slave?

    VADER: I was a person, and my name was Anakin! It's not fair!

    GRAND MOFF TARKIN: My apologies, Lord Vader! Did you ever return to Tatooine?

    VADER: No, it's a desert planet, and I don't like sand. It's rough and course and gets everywhere. . .unlike here.

    GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Yes, Lord Vader.

    VADER: But my step-brother Owen and his girlfriend Beru live there. We should send them a fruit basket.

    GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Yes, Lord Vader.

    VADER: Be sure to get to the old homestead quickly. Sandstorms are very, very dangerous. Did I mention that I don't like sand?

    GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Yes, Lord Vader, several times!